Saturday Night Live 4/13/2002
HOST: The Rock
MUSICAL GUEST: Andrew W.K.
Salutations to everyone at www.slashwrestling.com I'm Mark P,
probably better known around these parts as Big Bad from the Wienerville
message board. I write reviews of SNL for www.saturday-night-live.com, and
since the Rock was hosting, I figured that CRZ might be interested in my
latest review. Big thanks to Zed for his generosity in allowing me to take
up a small corner of his illustrious website.
(Incidentally, this is an edited version of my original review. I opened
with a bunch of preamble and meta-humour about my fellow SNL reviewers, and
since I'm not some Chris Hyatte that relies on a lot of inside jokes to the
detriment of 90% of the readers, I edited my preamble out. A full version
of my review, if you're interested, will soon be available at
We are now past the one year anniversary of my first announcing my campaign
to get my name on SNL. The results so far have been utter and complete
failure, but I remain hopeful. If you support the idea of having myself
(and by proxy, the entire SNL on-line community), then be sure to either
e-mail SNL via their official website
and demand to hear Mark P's name on Saturday Night Live. If you are
a reviewer yourself, cut-and-paste the following line in each of your
reviews (preferably near the top): I WANT TO HEAR THE NAME 'MARK P'
ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SO IF YOU ARE ASSOCIATED WITH NBC, MAKE IT HAPPEN!
Together, we can all make this happen! Go forth, my minions! E-mail,
e-mail! Make me famous!
Hosting this week's episode is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who since his last
SNL hosting appearance as won three more World Wrestling Federation world
titles, making him a six-time former world champion. That and a dollar will
get you a Coke in a vending machine, but nevertheless, it's still quite the
achievement. As a wrestling fan, I'm more familiar with the Rock than most,
and thus I know that the man can be quite funny if he wants to. His first
hosting gig was okay, but he seemed a bit nervous for most of the night.
Live sketch comedy is daunting even to a man who makes his living wearing
tiny tights pretending to fight other men in front of thousands of people, I
guess. Hopefully, Rock will loosen up a bit more this time, as he's got
charisma coming out of his ass. This unfortunate biological quirk means
that since his rectum is busy dispensing charisma, feces comes out of the
Rock's nostrils. The moral of the story is that whenever the Rock is about
to sneeze, for God's sake turn away.
The musical guest is Andrew W.K., who no doubt wore BK Knights as a child.
His music has been described as "party rock," but presumably he's a big more
cutting-edge than Wang Chung. Or, maybe it's just me that plays Wang Chung
at parties; God, why is my life so sad? I've never heard anything by this
guy before, so I'm going into tonight's show a completely Dana Carvey-esque
blank slate. I plan to sit back in my houserobe drinking a scotch saying
"Entertain me, my good man! Sing your ribald melodies and tickle my fancy!"
At this point, I will demand that my manservant Eduardo refill my glass
while I insult his personal hygiene. Oh, the demeaning things that Eduardo
will do for his green card.
As an experiment for this review, I'm starting it immediately after the show
itself and staying up all night to write it in one sitting. If I get
incoherent by the end, now you know why.
[COLD OPENING] "And We Can't Watch FOX Because They Own Those Chemical
Weapons Plants In Syria."
President Dubya turns into an informercial in this cold opening, which
wasn't bad. If you're a suicide bomber watching SNL over in Bethlehem, you
have the choice of either killing yourself needlessly, or getting a Nokia
phone. The choice seems pretty clear, unless you're worried that you'll get
ear cancer from cell phone usage. Wow, that's a real damned if you do,
damned if you don't situation. Here is yet another reason why the Bush
government is inferior to the Clinton administration: Bush can't find 72
whores at the drop of a hat. Hell, Clinton had probably half of that number
just lying around the Oval Office. I'm not going to bore you with my
political views, but my feelings about the Israel/Palestine situation can be
best summed up by the movie Jerry Maguire. You know how you really
wanted to like Jerry because he seemed to be a decent guy at heart, but he
kept doing such dumbass things that made you wonder if you were backing the
right horse? Jerry Maguire is Israel. I guess that would make Palestine
into Jay Mohr, so my analogy isn't perfect. If Yassir Arafat could do a
killer Christopher Walken impression, however, he could get a lot more
people on his side. This one gets 54 out of 72 whores.
[MONOLOGUE] "Your Brain Is Cushioned By A Layer Of Fluid 1/8th Of An Inch
Thicker Than Normal, Acting Like A Football Helmet. Why, I Could Wallop You
All Day With This Surgical Two-By-Four Without Ever Knocking You Down...But
I Have Other Appointments."
My fears are automatically allayed, as Rock seems about ten times more
composed and relaxed during the monologue. His shirt, I'm sorry to say, is
nowhere near $500 in value, however; I have a shirt like that, and it cost
me about $10 at BiWay. Um, er, that is, not that I shop at BiWay or
anything. Sure, I might've just admitted it, but....let's move on. Rock
also made mention of the fact that he's been hit with chairs, ladders and
thrown from 15-foot-high objects, but the latter is untrue. As somebody
who's seen many a Rock match over the years, he's never taken anything more
than a 11.2 foot drop, a figure achieved through deft calcuations of the
ring and a defined placement within the given...
Voice of Reason: Since when could you do math? Aren't you an English
Shut up, Voice of Reason. Anyway, statistical anomalies aside, the
monologue was perfectly fine. Kattan carrying the power of the punch was
hilarious, and Rock's facial reactions sold the whole thing. Another nice
touch would've been to have Rachel Dratch or somebody had some out and
continued to assault the Rock, but then I'd no doubt have complained that
the joke was being drawn out. Wow...I'm criticizing my own ideas now. My
web of cynicism just never stops expanding, does it? This monologue
gets...um, well, something good, since I'm not good at math.
Voice of Reason: I told you so.
Shut up, Voice of Reason.
[SKETCH] "Whoop-De-Doo, Tarantula Town!"
The only parrot I've ever encountered in my life belonged to a blind friend
of my grandmother's. There's comedic potential involving a blind woman and
a parrot, but I just can't put my finger on the joke. At this point I'll
pause to allow you to make a suitable entry up for
yourselves............there, pencils down. This was your average Brian
Fellow skit, and the gimmick is getting pretty stale. The skit kept some
semblance of freshness back when it was only on once a season, but having it
three times in a year just slays it dead. Tracy's dialogue was a bit
funnier than usual, with the comment about fixing the parrot's dialogue in
editing standing out as particularly clever. Extra points are given for the
fact that the parrot was named Bailey. As I've said several times in these
reviews, I have a cat named Bailey, which means that this is a SHOUTOUT TO
ME. Well...still probably not, but at least this one is semi-plausible. If
the tarantula had been named Trooper after my dog, I would've been onto
something. If a wrestler was going to bring a tarantula on-stage, shouldn't
Yoshihiro Tajiri have played the role? ~~~ NON-WRESTLING FAN ALERT: Tajiri
is another WWF wrestler that uses a move called the Tarantula ~~~ Golly
gee, the Rock sure was an innocent and forthright guy in this sketch, wasn't
he? He just couldn't understand what the pesky Brian Fellow fellow was up
to, gosh darnit. Now that's acting at its finest. This sketch gets 21
Monty Python dead parrots out of 30.
[SKETCH] "You Agreed To Spend One Saturday A Month Doing Something With
The Kids." "Awww...." "Oh Quit Complaining. It's Half The Work Of A
Divorced Dad." "Yeah, But It's Twice As Much As A Deadbeat Dad."
The timing of this skit was off, for a very simple reason. The Rock is used
to slower-paced dialogue in his WWF interviews, as he has to pause for crowd
response after basically everything he says. This works fine in the WWF,
but not for a sketch like this; there was a lot of dead air while the Rock
was running through his facial reactions. At least the pausing gave Rock
time to improvise off of his inability to read the word 'tomb.' He didn't
even break character, as
opposed to certain professional actors (coughcoughFalloncoughcough). Maybe
that was the reason for the Rock's pauses; he was trying to figure out how
pasty white Jimmy Fallon could ever pass for Egyptian. Geez, Dean Edwards
is just sitting in the back, begging for airtime, and still it's not given
to him. SNL = racism. Anyway, the concept was pretty generic to begin
with, so it's not like the dialogue was ruining anything. Seth was
appropriately bratty as the Scorpion Prince, though I'm not sure how he was
able to achieve an electric sound on an ancient Egyptian guitar. Must be
that weird, mummy magic. I'll give this one eleven scarabs out of twenty.
[SKETCH/COMMERCIAL] "Sir, Bad News From Accounting. The Economy's Hit Us
Pretty Hard." "Tough Times, Eh? I've Lived Through Twelve Recessions,
Eight Panics And Five Years Of McKinleynomics. I'll Survive This."
Look at the Arthur Andersen situation this way: wouldn't you want your
accountant to be as loyally crooked as him? I mean, sure, Enron paid the
company a hefty sum, but all of this illegal activity is just above and
beyond the call of duty. Kudos to Arthur Andersen Accounting, the acronym
of which is AAA. How appropriate, considering they need a road map to get
back to the land of legality. HA HA, I'M UPROARIOUS. A pretty
straight-forward spoof ad here, with the jokes able to be seen well in
advance, but still clever in a "it's funny because it's true" kind of way.
Amy's waitress character reminded me of my own tax return, when I always
claim my tips. This is a tip (no pun intended) to all of you in the service
industry: by reporting your tips, it helps to turn the cycle of honesty
around. Surely by being honest with your government, the government will be
forthright with you. This message has been brought to you by the Canadian
Association for the Naive. This sketch rating has been brought to you by
the number 725, by way of the number 1000.
[SKETCH] "How About Town Crier? You'd Be Great At That." "You Think
So?" "Yeah, Well, Dad, You're A Big Fat Loudmouth And You Can Walk When You
Remember when I said earlier that Brian Fellow was better then the skit only
appeared once a year? The same is true of Hardball. It's been a while
since we've last seen Hardball, and absence has made the heart grow fonder.
Removing Chris Parnell's Bob Barr character from the skit also improves
things, since now Darrell can mock three people instead of just two or just
Paul Begala. The insults were appropriately...uh, insulting, with some
creativity added, though adding Dick Armey to the skit just writes itself.
One thing that must be mentioned is that Darrell Hammond broke character yet
again, this time after the "only 50 people watch this show" joke. After
years of keeping a straight face, this is the third time that Darrell has
broke up this season; what's going on? Has Molly Shannon syndome affected
another SNL cast member? Oh the horror, the horror. Dick Armey's plan to
make the West Bank into America 2 is probably being studied by White House
security officials as we speak. Canadians are up in arms because we always
thought that we were America 2. This sketch gets 17 of Jean Chretien's
tears out of 20.
[INTERLUDE] "You Can't Seriously Want To Ban Alcohol. It Tastes Great,
Makes Women Appear More Attractive, And Makes A Person Virtually
Invulnerable To Criticism."
After the success of the between-sketch sketch last week (the Oscar spoof),
SNL goes to the well once again. Unfortunately, unlike the randomness of
last week's bit, this one is little more than an excuse to get the Rock
dressed in drag. Ha ha, the big tough wrestler in drag! That's pure comic
originality right there. Anyway, Jeff was still good as Drunk Girl, though
the Rock was a bit too wide-eyed to really convey that sense of being
totally wasted out of your mind. Also, I find it hard to believe that any
woman (or even men in drag) drunk or sober would ever find Seth "Phil
Mickelson Lite" Meyers attractive. Even the wasted have standards; on a
totally unrelated note, I've never had a drunk girl hit on me. This one
merits a six-pack of Budweiser out of dozen.
[MUSICAL SKETCH?] "He's Probably Just A Big Blowhard Like You."
Did I miss something? Did SNL become a variety show again when I wasn't
looking? This is the latest sketch with a musical theme, and, well, at
least this one was better than the Kandahar song from the Billy Bob Thornton
episode. Maya (who in this sketch was a dead ringer for Miss Hyjazzy, my
fourth grade French teacher) gets a chance to show off her vocal ability,
though no, wait, she doesn't because her character is so nasal. I fail to
see the logic in writing a sketch around a song, featuring the SNL player
with the best voice in said sketch and then totally wasting her vocal talent
by making her character sound like Fran Drescher. As for that Fred, well,
he's just a know-it-all on the subway, sort of like how I'm a know-it-all
behind a keyboard. Maybe this song will seem catchier if I find an mp3 and
listen to it a few more times, but for now, it didn't do anything for me
both aurally and sexually. Usually I at least get one of the two. An
interesting concept for a skit and an E for effort, but it only rates an EFF
out of EFFORT.
[SKETCH] "Pros: Uses Big Words, Dislikes The Boy. Cons: Possible Homer
And they brought back the Girl With No Gaydar why? It was a perfectly fine
one-time-only skit, but that's SNL, just desperate for recurring characters.
But hey, let's not confuse this sketch for anything other than an excuse
for the Rock to sing. Is he going for a record contract or something?
Sadly enough, lisping and suggestively stroking a microphone is not nearly
as homoerotic as dressing in short tights and rolling around with big,
sweaty men; sorry Rock. Though it was basically a carbon copy of the
original, it still has enough enthusiasm for me to give it a positive
rating. Rachel just acts so giddy in this character that it's infectious.
RuPaul: If I got to kiss the Rock, I'd be giddy too. Oh, darling!
I'm still trying to figure out how RuPaul got into my review, but moving on,
I expected SNL to feature a bit more about the Catholic priest molestation
scandals than just a throwaway gag about a priest in the bar. Perhaps the
omission is a bit of loyalty from that good Catholic boy Lorne Michaels
towards his church.
Lorne Michaels: Um, I'm Jewish.
Oh. Never mind. This sketch gets 28 out of 40.
[WEEKEND UPDATE] "We're Here, We're Queer, We Don't Want Any More Bears."
"Hey, That's A Pretty Catchy Chant. Where Did You Hear It?" "Oh, I Heard
It At The Moustache Parade They Have Every Year."
A more reserved Update than the epic we had last week, and unfortunately a
step less funny as well. Still, several good newsbits, including the ones
about Nick Cage and the Italian-American hall of fame, cocaine testing and
Jimmy n'Tina's little routine about vampire rapists. You'd think that
nobody in his right mind would try to rape a vampire, but then again at
least afterwards you could say "Fangs for the memories" (rim shot). Sorry,
I saw a commercial for a Dean Martin roast today and it's still affecting my
The Rock: It's probably because you're used to a slower pace in your WWF
Good call, Rock. The only special guest on Update was Horatio as Gene
Shalit, whose home was victim of a bear attack this past week. I just like
writing that because it's so damn funny. I mean, who gets attacked by a
bear in this day and age? The idea is so absurd that Shakespeare was using
it for farce in A Winter's Tale 400 years ago. Oh, to live the wacky
life of Gene Shalit. The best part about Horatio's bit was when 'Bear
Necessities,' one of the great Disney songs was produced, and thus we all
got to partake in a makeshift country bear jamberoo. Lord knows I got out
my washboard and played all night long. The unfortunate part of this bit
was that Tina happened to be wearing pants behind the Update desk, which
meant that I didn't have material to "get out my washboard" and "play all
night long," nudge nudge wink wink. This Update gets an octet out of a
[MUSICAL GUEST] "Oh Boy, What's Going On? Patio Party?" "No, A Possum
Drowned In The Pool. You Have Any Garbage Bags?"
Like my grandmother would say, this boy has ants in his pants. This song is
called "Party Hard," and the message that Andrew W.K. (musical artiste) is
trying to convey is that everyone should party hard. One needn't be a music
scholar to figure this guy out. I'd personally love to be the pianist in
his band; you could be horrible, but nobody could tell under the wall of
guitars. Andrew W.K. looks like the love child of Dave Grohl and Anthony
Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and since the Foo Fighters are a
3-star band and the Chilis 3.5-star band, I'll give this song 3.25 out of 5.
[SKETCH] "The Naturalist Who Took These Absolutely Extraordinary Pictures
Was Impressed By The Creature's Uncivilized Look, Its Foul Language, And
Most Of All, Its Indescribable Stench."
What with his absences from the show, the 2001-2002 SNL season had been
missing Will Ferrell as his finest. There hasn't been any real standout
"Ferrell moment" (tm Mario Lanza) this year, with the possible exception of
the first Neil Diamond/Gay Hitler Weekend Update segment.
Neil Diamond: Dammit, Neil Diamond doesn't stand for any maybes...if I'm
going to be a Ferrell moment, I'm going to do it by himself, with some
possible help from a pro wrestler dressed as Bigfoot.
What started out as another goofy Rock-gets-to-sing skit turned into one of
the better sketches of the season. So many memorable little bits: the
references to the "black Richard Mulligan," the ridiculous photo of Will and
the Rock with their mouths wide open on the cover of the "All Aboard The
Freedom Train" album, Will's constant questions about whether the commercial
is really happening or not, etc. All of you losers out there take note:
this is the kind of sketch that will make you a popular person if you get a
copy on RealPlayer video or even on audiofile. Maybe even that special
someone will sleep with you to get a copy of this sketch, and though that is
shallow and wrong, it's still intercourse. Never forget Einstein's Equation
of the Universe: Intercourse = A-Ok. This sketch gets 9 and a quarter out
of 9 and four quarters.
[SKETCH] "I Can See My Maw From Up Here. Hey Maw! Get Down Off The Dang
So let me get this straight: the week that a wrestler is on the show, Kattan
isn't held upside down in the piledriver position?? Poor Dean Edwards had
to hold Kattan upside and have testicles in his face, but I guess Mr. Big
Movie Star Rock is just too good for Kattan's balls. These Hollywood types:
always forgetting the little people. I think this skit might've contained
yet another SHOUTOUT TO ME, since Kattan had the word 'Shazbut' on his
shirt. It's an alien curse word popularized by Kang on The Simpsons,
and since I co-opt everything from that show, the word has entered my
vocabulary as well. I'm really stretching it now, but then again, SNL is
stretching the America Undercover rednecks by having them appear three times
in the past sixteen shows. These are more characters that could use more
time between appearances because of the sameness of their sketches. I guess
this one was original because doctors, instead of cops, were the straight
men, but that's splitting hairs. I'll give it a third out of a fifth of
[MUSICAL GUEST] "Who's Playing That Music?" "And Where's All That Liquor
Coming From?" "It's A Party, Marge. It Doesn't Have To Make Sense."
The singing was so incoherent that I couldn't even begin to find a title.
"Get Away?" "I Really Don't Care?" Another of his 18 songs with the word
'party' in the title? I got so bored that I'm now just idly speculating on
what the W.K. stands for. Whale Killer? White Knight? Willie Keeler,
baseball Hall-of-Famer? Whack Kracker? Wan Ker? The world may never
know...hey, there's another one! World Know? This song gets two out of
[MUSICAL INTERLUDE] "Yo Chill Out, Dude. I'll Pay The Fine." "Not This
Time You Won't; This Is Your Third Strike. First You Torched That
Orphanage, Then You Blew Up That Busload Of Nuns..." "Hey, That Was
Self-Defense!" "Well You'll Be Seeing A Lot Of Nuns Where You're Going,
Normally I'd rank the Horatio/Jimmy/Tracy/Kattan song an NA, but wait! It's
actually a different song this time! Will wonders never cease? Tracy
actually has some lines in this one, though since the thing was cut off
after about fifteen seconds, the true musical genius couldn't be fully
appreciated. Let's hope this was just a one-time summer-themed song and not
a recurring bit, since this one isn't as stupidly catchy as the Christmas
song. Also, since the whole point of the first bit was to sing a dumb
Christmas song at all times of the year, making another one seems kind of
pointless. Anyway, I'll introduce this new song to the club by giving it an
PERFORMER OF THE NIGHT: Will Ferrell
BEST SKETCHES: Neil Diamond and Bigfoot; Hardball
WORST SKETCHES: Fred the Subway Loudmouth
BUSIEST PERFORMERS: Jimmy Fallon, Will Ferrell (6 sketches each); Chris
Kattan (5 sketches)
PERFORMERS WITH ENOUGH TIME TO LIE PRONE ON THE GROUND SO THAT THE ROCK CAN
DELIVER HIS RIDICULOUS PEOPLE'S ELBOW FINISHING MOVE: Dean Edwards, Jeff
Richards (1 sketch each)
PLACES WHERE THE SNL WRITERS COULD EASILY HAVE INSERTED THE NAME 'MARK
P': One of Arthur Andersen's clients, one of the doctors treating the
redneck couple, and even one of the gay guys in the piano bar.
MISTAKES: The aforementioned problems with the Rock's timing, and the
characters breaks from Jimmy and Darrell. Oh yeah, plus the last skit
was cut off. Yeesh, you'd figure after 27 years that SNL could schedule
a show properly.
"You probably know I have a movie out: Gosford Park 2."-- The Rock (during
"Thanks to Andersen, I get tax credits for drilling and exploration. And
that is not a sex joke."-- a satisifed Arthur Andersen customer (Will
"Hey, what do you think this is, the Dick Armey Happy Fun-Time Hour? This
is Hardball, so zip it!"-- Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) to Penis
Navy...er, Dick Armey (Will Ferrell)
"Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock got engaged this past week in Las Vegas. To
celebrate, Kid Rock bought her a three-karat diamond ring. Pamela, in
return, gave him hepatitis."-- Jimmy Fallon, Weekend Update
"According to a recent study, women over 40 have more trouble conceiving.
So hello Bea Arthur, goodbye condoms!"-- Jimmy Fallon, Weekend Update
"Listen folks, I don't know if any of this is real. I'm stoned out of my
gourd right now."-- Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell)
"My husband jumped off the roof!"
"Is he conscious?"
"No, he's Methodist!"-- Redneck woman (Amy Poehler) and a 911 dispatcher
A pretty funny show, though not without its flaws. Certainly more good than
bad things about it, with that Neil Diamond/Bigfoot sketch standing out as
one of the funniest sketches of the entire year. The Rock seemed a lot
looser this time out, and except for the inexplicable amount of singing,
accounted himself very well. Andrew W.K. needs to sit down and take some
Ritalin or something; his music isn't all that great, but the boy sure is
Next week's show is hosted by Alec Baldwin, making his 10th appearance on
SNL. Not totally sure why he's showing up, but since he was announced as
host only a few days ago, it would seem to hint that he's coming in as a
replacement for somebody else that pulled out at the last minute. Any
ideas? The musical guests are P.O.D., thus making it four straight modern
rock bands on SNL. Remember two seasons ago when I made the plea for more
rock acts on SNL? This is a case of being careful for what you wish for
since you just might get it. Gentlemen, start your mute buttons. I can
also say that next week's review will be delayed at least a day, since I
have an exam on Sunday afternoon. Until then, adieu.
Mark "Big Bad" P
What the hell is wrong with me?
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