Dark Matches:

"Superman" Steve Langly defeats Johnny Swinger

Papi Chulo defeated Tom Powers

Michael Cole and Kevin Kelly come down to "Welcome to the Jungle" to start Heat.

Heat:

Starts with Bradshaw getting some water from a cooler while Kaientai (Taka and Funaki) stand nearby. Brashaw bumps into Funaki, the three have some words, then Taka and Funaki jump Bradshaw and get a few shots in before running off.

Headbangers defeated Val Venis & Shawn Stasiak
Val was actually getting good face heat before he started insulting Cincinnati for some cheap heel heat. During the match, the "World Wide Filth" guy was walking around by the ringside seats with his sign on the pole (I've coined a great new name for this guy: Sign Guy Mushnick :*) Since the guy was walking around where I was sitting, I wasn't really paying attention to the match, but I saw the Headbangers win. Afterward, Val and Shawn get into it, and Val knocks Shawn down and gives him the Money Shot before leaving.

Rikishi Fatu defeated Tracey Smothers
So this guy is the one I've been hearing about on the net? Not that impressive, to be sure. Pretty much a squash match, with Fatu finishing off with a piledriver for the win.

D-Von Dudley defeated D'lo Brown
The funny thing is, all the "D'lo" and "D-Von" chants blended together, and it sounded like everybody was chanting, "Devo! Devo!" I guess they wanted these two guys to whip it and whip it good! :*) OK match, with a few memorable moments. At one points, Buh Buh Ray was pounding on the mat in twos, and the crowd started to chant "D'lo! D'lo!" along with his pounds, and he looked around and stopped pounding. At one point, D'lo went for the Lo Down, but Buh Buh Ray pulled D-Von out of the ring, so D'lo did a cross body on both Dudleys from the turnbuckle to outside the ring! The ending was really sudden: D'lo pulled D-Von back in the ring, and D-Von gets the surprise rollup for the pin. So-so match.

At this point, the annoucer came in the ring and said that Kaientai had challenged the Acolytes to a "technical" match.

Kaientai defeated Acolytes by DQ
The Acolytes got a big pop when they came out and lots of face heat during the match... so these guys are faces now? As would be expected, the match didn't stay technical for long, as Bradshaw and Faarooq kept throwing elbows and punches. It soon degenerated into an all-out brawl, so the ref threw the match out. Both Taka and Funaki got Dominators from Faarooq, and Bradshaw did a nice fallaway slam from the second rope.

After this, they lowered the banners for Smackdown, but then put them right back up: apparently, they didn't get the "wild crowd" shot for the opening of Heat. So they asked us to start cheering and holding up signs and stuff. Then they put the Smackdown banners back down and Jerry Lawler came down to his royal theme music to announce for Smackdown.

Smackdown:

Show starts backstage with DX beating on Brisco and Patterson. HHH tells Pat to let Vince know that Vince was the one who made it personal.

After the theme song, we go backstage again. Vince and his family has found Pat & Gerry all bruised up. Pat delivers the message to Vince, and Vince says he wants to see HHH right now.

Match 1: Too Cool defeated Edge & Christian
Before the match, Too Cool do their little speil in the ring, while Edge and Christian snicker. The match was OK, and ended when Christian hit the Impaler, but the ref wasn't looking. Grandmaster Sex(a)y then hit a top rope leg drop and Scotty Too Hotty got the pin on Christian.

After the match, we see Slaughter go to Vince with a message from HHH: he wants Vince to come to him. Vince says he's on his way.

After a break, we see Vince storm up to HHH and chew him out. HHH tells Vince twice to "not make it personal."

Match 2: Kurt Angle defeated Gangrel (with Luna)
Sign Guy Mushnick was back, walking around the ring again. Funny thing this time is a fan walked around behind him with a sign saying, "This guy sucks!" A minute or so in, Angle does his thing where he grabs a mic and yells at the fan for cheering a "guy who looks like a vampire" rather than an Olympic Gold Medalist. Angle does the "best REAL athlete" line from his promo. Angle then gets back in the ring and, after about a minute, gets the pin.

We see DX conferring backstage, but I couldn't hear what they were talking about.

Back from break, we see Test playing the new N64 game Wrestlemania 2000 while Stephanie unwraps wedding gifts. Steph has to go out to the car for something, but Test says he'll go get it. Gee, I wonder what will happen next? Sho nuff, Test walks outside and gets ambushed, first by Mr. Ass, then by the rest of DX. They stuff him in the trunk of a car and drive off. HHH remarks, "I hope that's not too personal for Vince."

Match 3: British Bulldog defeats the Godfather to retain the European Title
Funny things before this match: the referee that got to dance with the hoes in the last two Godfather matches (name isn't coming to me) came out for this one, and the crowd immediatly started chanting for the Godfather, to which the ref gave a sly smile. Before the match, Godfather brings up the last time he tried to give Bulldog the hoes, and Bulldog attacked him, so no hoes for the Bulldog! The Mean Street Posse comes out to help Bulldog, but they're detained by the hoes (Godfather shows remarkable foresight in this match: there just happened to be three hoes, one for each Posse member... smart!) Sign Guy Mushnick was back, and the same thing happened to the Godfather that happened on Raw: he grabbed the sign from the protestor, which gave the Posse an opening to attack, and roll the Godfather back into the ring for Bulldog to finish off and get the win. Afterward, they had security guys take the former Sign Guy Mushnick away.

Backstage, Vince is yelling at HHH again, and Stephanie dashes in and starts beating on HHH (please don't tell me they're going to make Stephanie a wrestler too... oh, wait, they already did) for what he did to Test. Vince says to call the cops, and HHH threatens Stephanie.

Still backstage, Viscera starts coming on to Tori. Damn, Viscera sounds just like Barry White, and he's got the same figure, too! Of course, Tori's knight in red and black armor, Kane, comes to the rescue.

Match 4: The Big Show beat Hardcore Holly (with Crash Holly) to retain the Heavyweight Title
Before TBS came out, Hardcore Holly talked about how he had "unfinished business" with Show, and that he hated "fat" people like The Big Show. The Big Show actually came out to some pretty damn good heat, I think he might be coming into his own as a main eventer. It was your usual Big Show match, with Show tossing Holly around like a doll. Crash ran in, and for some reason, there was no DQ, not that Crash made that much of a difference anyway. Big Show fought them both off, then gave the Showstopper to Hardcore Holly. Funny moment, Crash tried to break up the pin by Big Show, but he couldn't move him! After the win, TBS chokeslams Crash too, before the Big Bossman runs in to beat on Show with his nightstick.

Outside, Vince and Shane have found Test, whose nose is broken again (after the show, I made the observation that, if Test breaks his nose many more times, we may not be able to tell him from Triple H!) They help Test back to the building.

Match 5: Kane (with Tori) defeated Viscera
Tori came out with Kane, but stayed at the top of the ramp for some reason. Your typical big-man match, with one big surprise when Viscera actually pulled off one of those X-Pac style spin kicks on Kane! Damn! At one point, both men spill out to the outside, and Tori comes to check on Kane, Viscera starts making with the come on again, and steals a kiss from Tori. Of course, Kane comes up from behind and goes to town. Eventually, they make it back to the ring, where Kane manages to chokeslam Viscera and get the pin.

Backstage, Triple H, laughing to himself, walks up to Vince's door and knocks. He "apologizes" for everything that's gone on before and offers Test a wedding present. It didn't stay on screen for long, and I couldn't tell what the hell it was. It was black, and looked kind of like a steering wheel or something. Whatever it was, it pissed Vince off enough to throw it against the wall and slam the door in Triple H's face. Triple H walked off, still laughing.

For some reason, they did the introductions to the next match, but then did more taped bits. They played a bit where J.R. was on the phone with the detectives investigating the Austin hit and run. He told them to talk to his lawyers, and also said they might want to investigate Jerry Lawler, calling him a certified, "restaurant quality" (what the hell does that mean?!?) ass! They then showed a shot of Lawler at the commentary table, looking mighty teed off at J.R. They then showed the Austin hit and run video again (the idiots in the crowd started cheering like SCSA was actually there... are you people too cheap to get the PPVs and see this stuff?). Then we see McMahon putting a police guard outside his dressing room where Test, Shane, and Stephanie are. He says to not let anyone who doesn't have the last name McMahon in. Aah, but Vince didn't count on the Undertaker recruiting the evil force of ED McMahon to attack and destroy Vince's family.

Sorry, had to do it.

FINALLY, we get back to the match they did the intros for a while ago...

Match 6: Ivory defeated Luna and Jacqueline to retain the Women's Championship
This was Hardcore rules, and it was one of those lame brawls that go all over the building (they suck even more when you're in the arena and have to watch it on the screen.) It would be alright if these women were willing to take hardcore shots (or if it was like the one women's hardcore match with Ivory and Tori), but any match that features a shot with a box full of drinking straws isn't exactly going to get my dander up. Only cool part was when the match went into the men's restroom, where there were guys using the urinals still! I'm surprised there weren't any "Something About Mary" style quick zipups when all these camera come into the men's restroom! Finally, the match went to the kitchens, where Ivory hit Luna with the Cookie Sheet of Doom and got the pin.

They showed some videos of Mankind and Al Snow in Vegas, apparently for this "UPN Vegas Week" thing. Looked pretty lame.

Now a recap of the Y2J/Chyna feud, starting with the loss at Survivor Series.

Match 7: Your God and Mine, Chris Jericho defeated Mark Henry
Before the match, Mark talked about how horrible it was for Jericho to attack Chyna. Mark brings up his problems with Chyna in the past, but says he never would have gone as far as Jericho did. Y2J time! Jericho does a great promo where he remarks that it's a shame that Chyna can't hitchhike anymore, but at least she can get the "no-thumb" discount at the manicurist. I swear, Jericho could come out and visciously slaughter a baby seal and eat its heart raw, and I'd still cheer his ass! The crowd was severly torn on this match, with "Y2J" chants competing with "Jericho sucks!" chants (guess which side I took). Jericho got a relatively quick, clean win.

We see the Dudleys on the phone backstage, apparently with the detectives. D-Von denies driving the car, than hands the phone to Buh Buh Ray, who says, "Hell, I don't even drive!"

Next we have the barely competant Lillian Garcia interviewing the Rock. Believe it or not, Rock didn't do a single catchphrase in the entire interview, and made a witty and entertaining promo without ever falling back on his old cliches. Yeah, right! If I had wrote that, you would have known these were fake spoilers! Rock does his usual Pavlovian interview, and the fans salivate on cue.

Match 8: The New Age Outlaws defeated the Hardy Boyz to retain the Tag Team Championships

Again, if I was writing fake spoilers, I would have said that the Hardys got their just dues and won the titles in a hard fought, high flying match, and got a major ovation from the crowd. But, we all know who wins in the "Better Workrate" vs. "More Catchphrases" wars here in the WWF, and now in the WCW too! Joy! Anyway, an OK match with the ending pretty much determined by anyone with half a brain after the ref gets bumped. X-Pac runs in and the fans cheer as he screws up the Hardys' chances of winning (goddamn you people, cheer the Hardys. If I had to choose between another awesome match between the Hardys and one of the other COMPETANT tag teams in the WWF, or another "sing along with Road Doggie Dogg" go round, I think my choice is obvious) Anyway, Hardys lose, Outlaws win, the world sucks.

Before the break, we come back to the McMahon clan... hell, just call them the McClan, still in Vince's backstage room. Shane claims he smells something burning. Uh, oh, I think the Rock left what he was cooking on too long!

After the break, we see that McMahon's room has filled with smoke, and everybody runs out coughing.

Match 9: The Rock vs. The Big Bossman (with Prince Albert)
I guess this is for all those online marks who got pissed that the Rock had to job to Bossman on Raw. A fairly by-the-books match, with Rock hitting the Rock Bottom for the pin. Afterward, the BBM and Prince Albert double-team the Rock, with The Big Show coming in for the save. Then the Hollys come out, but the Rock and TBS make short work of them.

At this point, just about everybody thought the show was over and started leaving. As it turned out, they saved the fifteen minute speech for the end of the show this time instead of the beginning.

Backstage, Vince says he blames DX for the fire. He goes after Triple H, taking the security with him and leaving Shane, Steph, and Test by themselves (umm, can you say bad move?)

Triple H comes out to the ring to the usual chant, and he says that he could be much more of an asshole than he is now if he really wanted to. HHH then does pretty much the same rant he did on Raw, talking about how Vince committed a crime against him, and that Vince made it personal. He claims the reason that Vince doesn't like HHH as champion is because HHH isn't one of Vince's "boys" and that HHH did it all without the big "push." HHH then calls Vince out, telling him to come by himself, without the cops. Vince comes to the ring and takes off his jacket, ready for a fight, but HHH says no way. If Vince attacks HHH, HHH will sue Vince, and besides, if HHH attacked Vince, Vince would fire him anyway. So HHH asks Vince to go to his lawyers and get a contract set up for a match between Vince and HHH at Armageddon. The stip is that if HHH wins, Vince can do nothing against him, including fire him, do anything financial to him or anything. Basically, HHH would be immune to Vince if he wins. He says that it's fitting this match would take place at "Armageddon," because it will be a match to "end it all" between Vince and HHH. Then we get a camera shot backstage, where Test, Shane, and Stephanie are all sitting and laying at the bottom of a staircase, looking like they've been thrown down. Shane and Test were rubbing their arms like they were hurt, and Stephanie actually had a bunch of blood on her forehead, but I don't know if it was fake, or if she actually bladed! (I can see it now... "Your winner, and new WWF Hardcore Champion, Stephanie McMahon!") Vince rushes out to help them, and HHH mocks him, saying he better "watch his step." To close it off, HHH said that he had two words for all the scum in Cincinnati who made him come here to do this show... and I think you know em.