Hey Chris. I just got back from New York City, and I thought I'd fire off a quick show report from tonight's (last night's?) WWF "Last Time This Century" show at MSG. Fair warning: it's almost 3am, and I'm really tired (I went in at 7 this morning to line up for Royal Rumble tix - 9 hours on line, but I got sweet seats...the line, by 5pm, was once around the outside of MSG), so my spelling won't be the greatest. Also, as I did not have a notepad with me, I may not be able to give exact match play-by-play. I may also get the order of the matches wrong.

Anyway, as the Fink says..."HERE...WE...GO!"

PYRO! And we are not televised from Madison Square Garden ("the most famous arena in the world", or so they would have us believe) on 4 December 1999. It's the last show this century - I know because a limited edition t-shirt told me.

Godfather v. Kurt Angle
Godfather enters with his usual assortment of Times Square's finest - and a really big pop - and yet MORE pyro. Angle (who gets no pyro and is NOT wearing his medals) enters to massive heel heat and an "Angle Sucks" chant - he berates NYC fans for cheering a pimp and "the women he controls," which gets a huge pop from the crowd. Whilst Angle acts confused, Godfather attacks from behind. Tim White clears the hos from the ring and it's on. Pretty standard stuff from both men - several Ho Train attempts countered by Angle, and finally Angle gets the pin, continuing his undefeated run.

Rakishi (Fatu) v. Shawn Stasiak
Whilst the card does not give Rakishi a last name, the Fink does. Rakishi is accompanied by Too Cool. Stasiak draws some genuine heel heat from the MSG crowd. Not an overly exciting match - except for Rakishi's sitout piledriver - he had the pin, but broke the count for the move, and I still say it's damn impressive. Rakishi scores the win, and joins Too Cool in a post-match dance, which remains one of the funniest things I've seen....at least for now...

15 Man Tag Team Match, Royal Rumble rules
Wait, you say. 15? How can you have a 15 man tag match? Well, apparently the Mean Street Posse can compete with all three men in the ring, despite the obvious handicap to the other teams. Anyway, in order of elimination (and I may screw this up - after all, it is 3am...):
TAKA & Funaki (who lasted about a minute - I had guessed 30 seconds.)
The Headbangers
The Mean Street Posse
D'Lo Brown and Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry (...what?!?!?)
The Dudley Boyz
Big Bossman and Prince Albert
And your winners, courtesy of the nicest dropkick in the business followed by a double clothesline, are Crash and Hardcore Holly.

For the WWF Euro strap: British Bulldog w/the Posse v. Christian
I wish someone would tell these crowds that you can't logically chant "USA" during this match. Standard Bulldog fare, and despite Christian's attempts to get some decent spots going, reversing an attempted powerslam, and a few near falls...well, let's face it, he's wrestling the Bulldog, and we all know how this is going to go. Bulldog no-sells everything, ref is somehow eliminated momentarily, Posse whomps and stomps, rolls Christian into ring to set up the "Running" Powerslam. I use the quotes around "Running" because it has quickly devolved from running, to walking, to simply step, slam. This match positively lasts forever, mainly because of Bulldog's "apply a hold and keep it on for 10 minutes" technique of wrestling. Bulldog retains, damn it. Someone take the strap off this man, please.

Six PERSON tag match: Hardy Boyz & China v. Chris Jericho & Too Cool
Fink returns to the ring and informs the crowd that China has not been cleared to wrestle by the on-site physician, owing to the hammer incident from SmackDown! So, we have...

3-on-2 Tag Match: Hardy Boyz (no Teri) v. Chris Jericho & Too Cool
Despite the fact that Too Cool has already been out once tonight, they get a good pop. Jericho enters to a mixed reaction (mostly positive, but it was hard to tell over "Break the Wall Down" and all the pyro. Jericho hits the savior pose and welcomes us to "Madison Square Jericho," thanking us for coming to see our role models and heroes, Y2J and Too Cool. Something tells me this partnership isn't lasting long. Anyway, the Hardys hit the ring to a huge pop. Jericho dominates the start of this match, which runs very long BTW and includes a momentary prissy slap-fight between Jericho and Jeff. Jericho takes Jeff to school, much to my enjoyment, whilst Grandmaster Brian Christopher awaits a tag and Scott Taylor 2 Hottie bounces on the ropes, trying to get the crowd going. Then it happens. The funniest (unintentional) thing I've seen this year - Taylor slips off the rope he's been bouncing on, recovers quickly on the floor and springs right back up to the rope, his hair a mess, smiling all the way. Crowd explodes in hysterics and thanks him with an "Asshole" chant. Anyway, back to the match - the usual high-flying spots from Matt & Jeff, a security rail crotching that lands Brian Christopher in the crowd for about 3 minutes, a worm chop, near fall, and senton bomb - oh, and an assist from the "injured" (there are those quotes again) Chyna w/ Ms. Kitty - later, Matt and Jeff win the match. Post-match, Jericho is not happy, and has words with Too Cool, which breaks down and fisticuffsmanship ensues. Jericho is getting the best of Taylor and Christopher until Rakishi comes to the ring and makes Jericho feel the full brunt of his enormous hinder. The trio are about to leave the ring, but the crowd wants more of the Lords of the Dance. They happily oblige, and...well, it's hard to explain, but Rakishi is loosening up.

For the WWF Championship strap: The Big Show v. HHH
"One, two...do I suck?" Everyone's favorite entrance music fires up for...a mid-card world title bout? I guess the world title is taking a backseat to Rock & Sock/HHH v. the McMahons. HHH enters to good heel heat, except from the family of 8 in front of me who marked out for both HHH and Big Show. (Don't ask me, I don't know.) HHH cuts a promo about the McMahon family, the wedding, and how Steph will be in the front row at Armageddon, after which they will have lusty sex. Big Show doesn't do the "Well it's a Big Hand" signal to the crowd, and the match starts quickly. One guess how this ends. If you picked a Ref bump and DX interference, you're right, although there's more. After the aforementioned ref bump, the Outlaws and X-Pac are out and stomp away on TBS - Road Dogg takes a shot at Earl Hebner while he's out. Kane comes to the ring and cleans house, leaving all 3 men prone on the floor of the ring. Shane McMahon (WHAT???) comes out with a STEEL chair to assist. He's not much help. HHH waffles Shane with the chair, then tries to get the Big Show. TBS ducks, ducks, and gets a firm grip on HHH's throat. HHH takes several chairshots to Big Show's head - no effect. TBS rids HHH of the chair, and it's time for Well It's a Big aaaaaaAAAAAAARRRGCHOKESLAM! Big Show covers and retains. Post-Match, Shane waits patiently, then gives HHH a patented Super Shane Spear. DX returns and tends to Shane. Shane gets a pedigree for his efforts.

Intermission hits at 9:40 pm.

The JVC Kaboom Box brings you this house show. This house show brings someone in the general admission area a JVC Kaboom Box.

More PYRO! (more of the same, actually) and we're back...

Val Venis v. Al Snow
Val comes out with his towel & does his thing, which drives the woman in the row behind me into throws of ecstasy. He talks about how his dick is like Starbucks Coffee, possibly because there are 2 Starbucks within spitting distance of MSG. Al Snow comes out to a mixed response. The crowd is into the match, but they're not really sure who to be rooting for. Val, despite his recent helish antics involving Mankind, is talking about his dick being hard again, so I guess he's a face again. Al Snow, by virtue of hating The Rock is now the de facto heel. I guess. I dunno, because while Val and Al (hey, they rhyme!) were putting on one of the best straight, no gimmicks wrestling matches I've seen either do in a long time, two drunks in section 21 were fighting. The ENTIRE arena turns to look, ignoring the fine ring work. After many, many near falls, Al Snow cold-cocks Val (no pun intended) with Head (nor there, either) to get the pin. I seem to be alone in my appreciation for this match, even though I'm not a huge fan of either man.

Kane (w/Tori) v. Viscera (or, as wwf-dot-com called him, "Big Vis") (w/waste of space...er...Mideon)
This one goes exactly how you think it will. Kane hits all his spots, including a particularly weak chokeslam on Viscera. After Kane gets the win, he chokeslams Mideon for messing with Tori mid-match, and for generally being Mideon. (On the upside, he was wearing a shirt tonight...) Tori rewards Kane by stroking his hair and talking sweat nothings to him in the center of the ring.

Test v. X-Pac
The ladies, they do love the Test. Especially after the wedding. I can't be bothered with this one. DX beatdown, X-Factor --> pin for X-Pac. Post-match BrocoBuster for Test. Sorry - I just couldn't get into this one, as good as Test is. Something about X-Pac, maybe.

Fink tells the MSG fans that they are the greatest in the world. Cheap local heat, but who cares. We kick ass!

I should point out now that the crowd has started up "Rocky" chants at various and often inappropriate moments of the evening. I say this because...

For the WWF Tag straps: New Age Outlaws v. Rock & Sock Connection.
The Outlaws are out first, and do ALL of their usual schtick. I'm sorry - I don't get how these 8 year olds in the row in front of me could mark out for the Outlaws AND Rock. And besides which - heels that can do no wrong by the fans? Oy. Anyway, Mick is out next, and he has the stick. "I have an important announcement to make...unfortunately, The Rock couldn't be here tonight." (Loud negative reaction from crowd.) "Just kidding...You may have noticed I'm a little more messy than usual tonight...I was out on the sidewalk all day today doing a new Chef Boyardee commercial... and if you're not down with that, I've got TWO WORDS FOR YA! 'MMMMMM, BEEFY'!" (please note - this was from memory. I did not get an exact transcription.) The Rock is out last, to an earth-shaking pop, no joke. MSG loves the Rock, but apparently the feeling isn't mutual. The Rock doesn't get the stick, and the crowd voices its dissatisfaction. Usual offence from these 4 men - Mick does Road Dogg's juke and jive punches, then puts Socko on Dogg. Rock in, cleans house, hits Rock Bottom, but is attacked by Al Snow, leading to the ref DQing DX, thus insuring that there will be no surprise title changes tonight. The Outlaws skip town, and post-match, The Rock takes Al to the mat and readies him to receive the People's Elbow. The Rock then says something to Mankind, who is reluctant about something, but positions himself at Al Snows head. That's right folks, Mankind did the People's Elbow to a huge pop.

Since Rock didn't get the stick before the match, he gets it now. He runs through the usual catchphrases, including the new "poontang pie" bit, although "You can't jam pie, so it goes into the microwave for 13.5 seconds," THEN turn it sideways, etc. Every so often he's looking straight up in the air, as though he were looking at something on the now-retracted center scoreboard cluster. Finally the lighting people catch on and throw on his lighting treatment. Rock teases with his tagline, then sings "Smackdown Hotel".

M-D November (aka The Critic)