From: kzim@watserv.ucr.edu (Christopher Robin Zimmerman)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.pro-wrestling
Subject: WWF March to WrestleMania - 28/3/93
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Date: 29 Mar 93 21:33:37 GMT
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By the way, thanks for not greeting me with any of those "Hey, will someone  
post the results of the March to WrestleMania?" posts.  Hopefully, this means  
you knew I was going to do it, as opposed to you really didn't care.

The WWF March to WrestleMania, shown on the USA Network 28.3.93

Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, who except for  
"Let us take you back" footage provide all commentary.

Let us take you back to the contract signing for one half of the gigantic  
double main event.  Yokozuna asks Bret Hart to examine the table, then his  
buttocks.  Wasn't it nice of all those WWF officials to leave the Hitman  
alone in the ring with no help, no medical attention?  They really care about  
their Champion, don't they.

Yokozuna v. Macho Man.  Yokozuna is introduced, and we take an ad break.  We  
come back just in time to see Savage's entrance.  Boy, the preliminaries are  
taking *forever*.  Savage alternates between posing and threatening Mr. Fuji.   
Savage ducks out twice.  Lockup and Savage is powered away.  There is a weak,  
pointless "USA" chant.  Lockup, shoulder block and Savage is down again.   
Chop by Yokozuna.  Headbutt.  Toss out of the ring, and 'zuna follows.   
Savage meets the corner post.  Punch.  Referee "Blind" Dave Hebner, who  
should be counting both men out, exits the ring to try and break it up.   
Savage meets the STEEL steps, and is thrown back in.  'zuna with repeated  
cops.  Savage punches back for no reason, but the quarter of a ton doesn't go  
down.  The Sumo with a powerful punch and down goes the Macho Man, again.   
Powerslam, leg drop of doom.  Yokozuna glares at the crowd for awhile and  
chops Savage.  Choke hold, whip into the corner, but sure enough Savage  
manages to jump away so Yokozuna can miss the splash.  Savage climbs the  
ropes and hits a double axehandle ('zuna down on one knee).  Savage goes up  
again, but Fuji hits him in the back with the Japanese flag and down goes  
Savage.  Yokozuna quickly recovers and with a belly to belly suplex, scores  
the pinfall.  Yokozuna does the Sumo dance, but before taking the check,  
takes the order from Fuji to Banzai splash Randy Savage.  "Just in the nick  
of time" Savage rolls away, causing 'zuna to land his keister on the hard  
apron.  Savage with a high knee to the back and out goes Yokozuna.  Enraged,  
he tries to get back in but somehow a herd of WWF Officials have materialized  
between them, so the bad guys go back to the locker.  Thankfully, they don't  
play Savage's music again as they usually might.

Let us take you back to the Royal Rumble, and Lex Luger's unveiling.  Quick  
summary of Luger's WWF "career," which consists of repeated shots of Luger's  
"forearm shiver."

Mr. Perfect v. Skinner.  Perfect throws his towel and for some reason it  
lands on Skinner.  Skinner decides to take Perfect from behind while he's  
posing.  Skinner throws him out and follows.  Knee in the gut, munch on the  
skull, head to the (STEEL) steps.  Skinner rolls in to break the count and  
rolls out just as quick.  Punch, and Perfect manages to reverse it and  
*Skinner* meets the steps.  Punches, Skinner into the post.  Perfect in and  
out to break the count and then he throws Skinner back in.  Whip, but Skinner  
comes off the ropes with his belt in hand.  Choke hold on Perfect, then a  
sound spanking.  McMahon thinks someone paid off Skinner to do a job on  
Perfect.  Amazingly, Skinner is not disqualified.  Skinner with everything  
but the kitchen sink.  But the tide turns when Skinner goes into the corner  
and Perfect has already left.  Some shock, eh?  Perfect roars back and does  
his usual stuff.  Skinner does get a shot in with the claw before the  
spontaneous Perfectplex.

Ad for the WrestleMania hotline.  Get this, if you call, they'll tell you  
about ANOTHER hotline.  Brilliant.  Sheer genius.

"Hulk Hogan" WM9 ad.

Rev. Slick preaches to the crowd, and warns that Kimchee is looking to turn  
Kamala away from the light.  He introduces Kamala, but no one shows.

Promos:  ICOPRO, WWF Figures (Bulldog?), "The Flintstones" Trading Cards

Oh, there he is.  Slick just had to go back and get him.  Children in the  
crowd are doing Kamala's "Hungry Dance."

Kamala v. Kimchee.  Kamala is intimidated, so Kimchee is brutal.  Lots of  
pointing and shouting, pulling by the beard and such.  Slaps.  Kamala finally  
fights back.  Kimchee with clothesline, Kamala with bearhug.  Kimchee punches  
out.  Kamala with kicks, powerslam, splash...and a half hour later, turns him  
over for the pin.  Some feud.  Kamala grabs the pith helmet and smacks  
Kimchee with it.  Slick puts the hat on and Kamala acts like he's going to  
chop him, so Slick backs off.  Slick does some posing to show him that he  
shouldn't be afraid of the hat.  Slick puts the hat on a reluctant Kamala,  
who finally does some posing of his own.  Next thing you know, we'll see  
Kamala in one of Slick's designer suits.  Eych.

"WrestleMania" muzak video.  It's about as good as "Slam Jam" which isn't  
very.  It is interesting to see the ring being set up, though, if you look  
real close.

Let us take you back to Brutus Beefcake's return match.  The Barber gets  
cased, Hart turns good, Hogan pulls the name "Mega-Maniacs" out of thin air,  
and the Champions issue the challenge.

Money, Limited v. Jerry Sabin and Reno Riggins.  IRS says it's time for the  
Megaultimatemaniacs to "put their money where their mouth is."  Irwin does  
most of the work, which you might expect with DiBiase injured.  DiBiase slaps  
the Million Dollar Dream on the High Roller.

Mean Gene Okerlund interviews the Megaultimatemaniacs, who come out to You  
Know Who's theme.  Endless posing by his Hulkness, and Brutus is masked for  
no particular reason.  You think sooner or later Brutus would stop being dumb  
enough to cut himself on those shears.  I didn't understand WHAT the hell  
Hogan was saying, not a single word.  Hogan goes on forever.  Doesn't  
Bruteye's mask look like Ultimate Warrior facepaint?  Beefcake's bit is even  
dumber than Hogan's.  Jimmy Hart, to his credit, can't sink to the levels of  
inanity that his charges are at.  I now know why this is a two hour show,  
because this  
interview.....WILL....NEVER.........BE..............OVER.............

Let us take you back to the amazing Tatanka, as he pins Shawn Michaels, not  
ONCE, but TWICE.  Oooooo.

Tatanka v. George South.  Take a wild guess.  Allusion made to Sensational  
Sherri at ringside.  Oh yeah, Tatanka is a proponent of ICOPRO.  Papoose to  
go, 3.  Out comes Michaels who takes the mic from the Fink and talks trash to  
the Native American.  Michaels does get in his forgotten, classic tag line "I  
don't think so," and guarantees a victory for himself.  Tatanka takes the mic  
as Michaels is leaving.  He doesn't want to wait for WrestleMania, he wants  
to go at it, right now.  RIGHT.  Shawn actually turns around and saunters  
back to the ring, but pauses before entering.  After looking around and  
teasing the crowd for about an hour, Michaels turns around and walks back.

Mean Gene with the WrestleMania IX Report, brought to you by ICOPRO, "more  
than simple pills and powders..."  It's the world's largest toga party, you  
know.  Exciting Double Main Event.  Hart interview.  Doink/Crush.  From Kona,  
or I should say off the coast of Kona, is Crush in a boat.  Crush is on a  
diving trip, I must say his diving style is better than his interviewing  
style.  Crush holds an octopus in each hand, make your own joke here.   
Headshrinkers/Steiners.  Steiner brothers interview.

The Beverly Brothers and Little Louie v. The Bushwhackers and Tiger Jackson.   
Louie and Jackson are midgets, you know.  When Louie comes out, Bobby Heenan  
says "See?  That's what can happen to you if you stop working out."  Vince:   
"Whaddaya mean?"  Heenan: "It's Hillbilly Jim!"  The Fink gets licked and  
Jackson does the Bushwhacker dance.  To make it even more hilarious, Jackson  
is bald.  Heenan has a million short jokes, and goes through most of them in  
this match.

I can't do this match justice.  It was so funny that I couldn't write.   
Suffice to say Luke gets beat up but against all odds makes the tag.  There  
are so many funny spots, and Heenan makes up for the slow bits.  The ref did  
a good job, too.  I plan on somehow saving this match forever for people who  
tell me wrestling is no fun to watch.  This match is a prime example of how  
the World Wrestling Federation is, was, and will always be the **BEST**  
Federation on Earth.  Oh yeah, the good midget pins the evil midget.

Let us take you back once more to the Royal Rumble.  Giant Gonzales works  
over the Undertaker.  We then get clips on Gonzales looking for the  
Undertaker at various TV tapings.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. The Undertaker.  Does anyone find it weird that the  
previously seen "WrestleMania" muzak video includes scenes from this match?   
Staredown.  Bam Bam with repeated punches, no effect.  Undertaker with drop  
toehold.  Bam Bam rolls out of the ring, but the Undertaker follows.  Bam Bam  
in, stomp on UT when HE comes back in.  Punches, headbutts.  Undertaker with  
DDT (!).  Undertaker with chokehold.  Arm bar, climb the ropes and do the  
tightrope thing.  More punches.  But the Undertaker puts his head down, and  
Bigelow kicks him.  Undertaker stares back and hits HIM.  Neither man goes  
down, though.  Undertaker tries again, and Bigelow stays up.  Undertaker  
tries the flying clothesline, but Bigelow ducks and out goes the Undertaker.   
We take an ad break.  When we come back, they're both outside the ring.   
Bigelow with bodyslam on the mat, Undertaker situp.  Bigelow drives his head  
into the apron, then into the STEEL steps.  Bigelow whips him into the steps  
again and Undertaker kind of rolls over them to emphasize that this should  
really hurt.  Both men get back in and beat the count.  Bigelow with  
headbutt, and Undertaker falls back out.  Bigelow drags him back in.  Back  
suplex, situp.  Whip into the corner, powerslam, situp.  Punch, situp, punch,  
situp, knee, situp, uppercut...see a pattern here?  Body slam, headbutt,  
situp.  Punch, punch, punch, and the whole time the Undertaker keeps rising  
slowly.  Headbutt, situp.  Double axehandle, headbutt, and finally the  
Undertaker is motionless.  Bigelow taunts, but no movement.  Slowly, Bigelow  
climbs the ropes and decides he's not going to roll away from his headbutt,  
but...well, you know.  Undertaker then hits the flying clothesline, chokes  
him and slams him.  Bam Bam decides now would be a good time to lose by  
countout.  Gee, I thought we'd see the piledriver.  Well, both men have big  
WrestleMania matches, I guess it's better to not have a loser...yet.  Hey,  
look, there's Giant Gonzales!  Undertaker leaves the ring and approaches  
Gonzales.  We could have WrestleMania right here, but for the dumptruck full  
of WWF Officials preventing their fun.

Promos:  GI Joe, Slim Jim (Savage), WWF game carts

Aretha Franklin's "Respect" played to clips of Hart.  Well, at least we get  
to see Flair and Da Mountie on last time.

Man, I miss two-hour WWF shows...sigh.  Definitely the best WWF non-PPV show  
in a looooooooooong while.

Tomorrow:  A RAW report, assuming it's not an hour of "March" highlights.

Oh, by the way, Saturday's "WWF Mania" is supposed to be highlights of  
previous WrestleManias...should be an interesting revision of history, no?   
Andre vs. Studd is promised.

Christopher Robin Zimmerman, your man on USA    
  / kzim@watserv.ucr.edu / kzim@ucrmath.ucr.edu / zimmerma@ucrengr.ucr.edu /