One Year Ago on the March to WrestleMania IX: Yokozuna gets a headstart at the official contract signing, working over Champion Bret Hart. Yokozuna defeats Randy Savage after Fuji whacks him with the Japanese flag and Yokozuna gives him a belly-to-belly. Fortunately, Savage rolls away preventing a post-match buttdrop. Mr. Perfect pulls a Perfectplex out of thin air to defeat Skinner. Kamala defeats his long-time nemesis, Kimchee. Money, Inc. wins in a squash. The Megamaniacs don't wrestle, but get interviewed instead. Tatanka wins a squash, but not before Shawn Michaels comes out to taunt him. In the match of the year, the Bushwhackers & Tiger Jackson defeat the Beverly Brothers & Little Louie Fayetteville. The Undertaker manages a countout victory over Bam Bam Bigelow, then gets to stare down the Giant Gonzales. I called this "the best WWF non-PPV in a loooong while," apparently because I missed being able to watch two hours of WWF at once. The WWF Match to WrestleMania X, coming to you 20.3.94 on the USA Network. Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Johnny Polo (and Polo's SFX generator) (from the Superstars taping in ? taped ?) and Gorilla Monsoon & Stan Lane (from the RAW taping in Poughkeepsie, NY taped 21.2). Vince announces that WWF President Jack "Solomon" Tunney has barred Macho Man Randy Savage from the building, because he'd just interefere in the Crush/Bret Hart match. The Narcissist v. Gigolo Jimmy del Ray (Commentary by McMahon, Polo) The Gigolo is accompanied to the ring by both Cornette and Dr. Tom Prichard. It looks like the WWF has invested in a set of Intellibeams--there are stars everywhere for Lex Luger's entrance. They start off with...a posedown? Ick. Lockup, Luger with shoulderblock as they run off the ropes. Lockup, repeat. "USA" chant. Clothesline by Luger after what seems like hours. Lockup, punch from del Ray, military press and slam by Luger. Finally, del Ray ducks under a clothesline, and Luger's momentum sends himself all the way out the ring. While del Ray ties up referee "Blind" Dave Hebner, Prichard does some nasty stuff and tosses Luger back in the ring. del Ray goes to work on Luger's back with punches and kicks. Luger is rammed into the buckle. Again Hebner is distracted and again Prichard goes to work, choking Luger on the ropes. Some more back work. Fun submission hold. "USA! USA! USA!" Knee to the back. Again. And, once again Hebner is distracted so Prichard may commit mirth and mayhem. First to the eyes by del Ray. Axehandles. Gut-wrench suplex. Of course, even after all this, Luger can kick out at 2. Another knee to the back. Luger finally manages to get in some licks, but his eyes are raked. Choke with the boot. Slam. So now you figure del Ray is going to go for that moonsault and miss, and you'd be right. And now you figure this is just enough for Luger to mount a terrific comeback and win. Back body drop by Luger, clothesline, shot to Prichard putting him out, powerslam, human torture rack. Submission. No really, it was that fast. Anyway, Jim Cornette sneaks up on Luger so he can whack him with the tennis racquet. Foolishly, he hits the apron twice so Luger can turn around and catch him. Luger wrests the racquet and hits Cornette in the ass as he attempts to crawl out of the ring and avoid the American Original. Hey, he was made in the USA! Just like all those other Americans... so Cornette goes back to get Yokozuna. He brings the Champ and Mr. Fuji out. They're not gonna wait until WrestleMania! They wanna go at it right now! Of course, that doesn't happen, and Yokozuna goes back, having done nothing. Luger poses some more. Hey, how 'bout that WrestleMania X hotline? Plug. Still light years better than Mean Gene's constant bombardment, if you ask me. Sy Sperling redoes Luna Vachon. Make that Roy Orbison "grrrrrrrrrr" here if you want. Bam Bam Bigelow v. Ben Jordan (Monsoon, Lane) No wait... Promos: ICOPRO (Narcissist), NEW! Jurassic Park Action Figures (hey, how old is this movie, anyway?), Street Fighter 2: Special Championship Edition carts Hey, look! Nikolai Volkoff is in the audience and no one is talking about him, or his suit! Bigelow does a variety of moves, my favourite of which is the sidewalk slam. He wins with...er, something else. I didn't write it down, so it was probably boring. Alundra Blayze montage. Gee, like it would kill them to get her over with a MATCH instead of endless montages. WrestleMania ad. Since my cable company just played the EXACT same ad 60 seconds ago, I find it highly ineffective. Vince says that the WWF has had more than half of the PPV events that are in the top 50. Isn't THAT interesting. Vince interviews Tatanka from the locker room. He has that big upcoming match with Yokozuna. He's getting his revenge tonight, yeah, boy. Yokozuna may have two managers, but TATANKA, well, he's got the support of all those braves and squaws. Huh? I think if I were female, I'd be offended. Well, at least he didn't say "It bestows me..." again. rRazor rRamon v. Tony DeVito (Monsoon, Lane) If you don't know the Ladder Rules by now, maybe you just better turn to ESPN2 and watch Global. Remembering something that Andy Patrizio said on IRC, I turned to ABC for a minute, and I must admit he was right about Tawny Kitaen. Still, with a sense of duty, I turned back in time to see DeVito lose. Nikolai isn't in his seat, by the way. Johnny Polo interviews the Rocket Owen Hart. Apparently, they're good friends now. Big "we want Bret" chant. Owen has *really* nice, white teeth. "Bret's held me down all his life!" For an encore, he again asks Crush to save a piece of the Hitman for him. Can anybody tell me what that logo is on his tights? Little Richard gives it to ya. Earthquake v. Executioner Pain (Monsoon, Lane) I counted five moves. I wonder how Monsoon and Lane feel knowing McMahon and Polo get all the good matches, and they get these exciting squashes. Todd Pettengill with *your* WMXR, brought to you by the "History of WrestleMania" magazine. See what history they've changed since last year! All of the Big Apple is tensing up, getting ready for WrestleMania X. Hey, Burt Reynolds will be there. He's better than Buddy Hackett, Hal Linden, and Adam West combined!!! Jennie Garth will be there, Little Richard, yeah, yeah, Rhonda Shear (and her breasts!), Donnie Wahlberg, Sy Sperling, Bucky & Vinny...I'm ready to explode with excitement. Now, for the last freakin' time, here's the card. Yokozuna takes on Lex Luger (made in America!), with the winner to face Bret Hart, who will have fought a match with his brother Owen. Got it? Read it over if you don't. Cornette interview with Yokozuna standing there. The blue screen has a montage of buttdrops and the Undertaker being wheeled away, nice touch. Crush takes on Macho Man Randy Savage with falls counting anywhere in Madison Square Garden along with some other rules you should already know. Razor Ramon and Shawn Michaels battle for the Intercontinental Title in a Ladder Rules match (hey, that ladder RULES!), and MOM challenge the Quebecers for the Tag Team Titles. In a refreshing change, this match will have no special stipulations. Apparently, the rest of the card isn't interesting enough to Todd, 'cause he doesn't mention it. But *I* will. Alundra Blayze vs. Leilani Kai for the WWF Women's Title, Earthquake vs. Adam Bomb, Doink & Dink vs. Bam Bam Bigelow & Luna Tunes in a Mixed Tag match, and an exciting ten man. Can I remember it? Let's see, we have the Smoking Scotsmen & Tatanka & The "1-2-3" Kid & Thurman Plugg vs. the Head Shrinkers & I. R. S. & The Model & Jedoublef Jadoubleredoublet. Whew! Don't ask me that again. Johnny Polo interviews Bret Hart against a montage of Hart walking to the ring. Gee, that's JUST as effective as Yokozuna's buttdrop montage. I'm intimidated now. Bret promises to get the job done, whatever that means... (Kona) Crush v. Bret Hart (McMahon, Polo) I hope that by having this ad break before Hart enters, we won't have to interrupt the match... Lockup, Crush pushes Hart away with little effort. Let's try it again. Gobehind by Hart into a waistlock. Crush forces Harts hands apart. What strength! Speaking of which, Crush wants a test of. Hart says no, wisely. Crush calls him chicken. Again Crush holds up the hand, and again Hart says no. Crush asks a THIRD time and Bret goes for it--no, he doesn't. Crush asks again (4) and AGAIN (5). Bret finally goes for it--and instantly falls to his knees. I'm laughing. Bret gets up, but Crush forces him down again, just as quickly. "Bret" chant. Up he goes, down he goes. Up he goes, and he somersaults into some sort of painful wristlock that hurts both of them. The test of strength (would that be an inverted test of strength?) is broken, and both of them take some time to shake their hands off. McMahon is so impressed that Bret seems to have a counter for everything...I guess I'll file that away for when Owen puts on the Sharpshooter. After a rest, Crush lunges at Hart but ends up with a turnbuckle. Hart with a barrage of punches and a clothesline. 1 count. Hart with sleeper, but Crush just throws him over his shoulder. Crush attempts a punch, but hits the canvas instead. Hart elbows Crush out of the ring. Oh, this would be a good time for an ad break. When we come back, Crush delivers a superkick. Crush stomps on Hart's head. Geez, these good guys do great until we come back from the ad break. Punches, or are those karate chops, by Crush. Repeat. Kidney punch from the second rope. Backbreaker for 2. Leg scissors (just awful) and armbar by Crush. Crush goes back to the punch/chops. Irish whip hard into the turnbuckle. Bearhug--Hart punches out. Hart continues to punch, but Crush takes Hart out with a single punch. Crush throws Hart out to Fuji. At the last minute, referee "Blind" Dave Hebner notices what's going on and puts himself between Fuji and Hart. All this accomplishes is that Crush gets a free shot at Hart from the outside instead of Fuji. Everyone gets back in the ring, and Crush gets a 2 count. They trade blows and Crush wins. Crush hits ANOTHER backbreaker for 2. A third backbreaker. 1, 2, foot on the ropes. Crush thinks he's won, though, and Hart sneaks an inside cradle for 2. Hart with a mild resurgence, capped by a bulldog for 2. Headbutt by Hart. Victory roll for 2. Punch to the bread basket. Reverse Russian leg sweep (hey, Virgil's finisher!) for 2. Elbow from the second rope, by Hart. Unfortunately, Hart is so drained that all he can do is just lie there. They both get up at about the same time. Hart does some general pummeling but Crush picks up the Hitman and gives him an atomic drop. Crush with yet another backbreaker. He goes up to the top, though, forgetting that bad guys never hit those top rope moves, and sure enough he misses. Hart slaps on the Sharp--no, Fuji is up on the apron so Hart goes over there. Crush sneaks up on Hart, then nails Fuji. Hart with a small package, oh no, Hebner is tending to Fuji and can't see the pinning predicament. From out of nowhere, out comes Owen to roll the combatants in the opposite direction. Hebner turns around and counts 1, 2, 3. Your winner is Crush. Nobody saw Owen. Rhonda Shear (yes, and her breasts) dream of Lex Luger. I guess she forgot all about Shawn Michaels. Les Quebecois v. P. J. Walker & Mike Bell (Monsoon, Lane) The Champs come out without Polo (logically), and with a lot of hockey gear. Promos: NBA Jam carts, GI Joe Battle Corps Action Figures, T2 carts You know, about every six weeks, Cap'n Lou Albano comes out for no reason and watches a match. This is that match. By the way, Nikolai isn't in his seat. Lou tells anyone who's listening that he doesn't like these guys. Anyway, the Champs win with the ultracool Boston Crab into Legdrop. Hey, look, it's one of those RPI guys! 900 line plug. Todd Pettengill plugs FanFest, and all of the fun things you could do while you're there. He also tells us that Sunday's "All-American Wrestling" will be live from MSG. Vince McMahon, earlier today, interviews Macho Man Randy Savage. Savage is fuming because Crush cost him a third run as WWF Champion in his match with Yokozuna, and he happens to think he could have beaten Luger AND Hart and kept the belt. This interview is classic. He refers to his divorce, and indirectly refers to "the backstabber" (which is Hulk Hogan, in case you didn't know), and now this whole thing with his former best friend, Crush... Savage isn't wearing shades this whole interview, and is dressed in a RAW shirt and black leather jacket, with black headband. Very toned down. In fact, if you look in his eyes, you can almost see the fire and intensity. Have I convinced you this is a great interview? Anyway, he guarantees not a victory, but that he will leave MSG with his dignity, hopefully after completely demolishing, humiliating, and embarrassing Crush. Tatanka v. Yokozuna (McMahon, Polo) Again, an ad break before the Champ comes out. This *is* a non-title match, thank you for asking. Oh, look, Tatanka's headdress is hanging on a ring post. Is this foreshadowing? Polo keeps saying "Lookit the Indian!" Fuji distracts Tatanka, and BOOM. It starts. All Yokozuna. Tatanka manages two chops and Yokozuna drops him again. Three consecutive missed moves (Yokozuna, Tatanka, Yokozuna). Tatanka with a dlying body press for 2. Tatanka with arm bar, yeah that'll work on a 600 pound guy. To the ropes they go. Tatanka rushes the Champ, but runs into a knee with his stomach. Champ with Cop. Kick to the back. Nerve pinch? If I were a 600 pound guy, I don't think I'd go with the nerve pinch. Whatever. "USA" chant...for who? Tatanka's leg starts a-quiverin'. He gets out of the hold, but goes back down quickly. The Champ throws Tatanka out of the ring to the mats. As Yokozuna quietly dismantles a turnbuckle cover, we take an ad break. When we come back, Tatanka is being bodyslammed. Foot to the head. Another slam, and back to that good ol' nerve pinch. But his leg is still quivering! Polo makes fun of Vince constantly saying "Native American" instead of "injun." Arm falls twice, well, three times, but since Tatanka is lifting it, that third time doesn't count. Tatanka powers out, but gets clotheslined. Gee, why bother? Tatanka blocks getting his head rammed into that exposed steel (remember that?), and rams the Champ's head there instead. Now both men are down. "USA! USA! USA!" Tatanka crawls over to the Champ and gets a 2 count. Chops. Wardance, goody. Tomahawk to the head. Another. Another. One from the top rope. Timmmmmber! 2. Tatanka tries for the papoose to go--yeah, right. No dice. Yokozuna with belly-to-belly. He drags him to the corner for the Big Butt Drop and delivers it. 1, 2, 3. Polo: "I guess that's number two!" The big question is: will he give him another banzai? No. Hebner helps Tatanka back to the locker room, and Cornette and Fuji are all smiles. WM ad. Remember hearing Jim Ross? Well, McMahon has dubbed his voice over Ross. That should confirm any rumours you may have heard about Ross. Final thoughts from the commentators. Monsoon predicts Yokozuna is unstoppable and will leave WMX as Champ. Lane predicts Lex Luger will win. Polo, completely breaking character, is left to back Bret Hart. Yes, the WrestleMania X Rap by Men on a Mission. Well, at least it's better than that Survivor Series Rap... Have a great WrestleMania! Christopher Robin Zimmerman / kzim@ucr.edu