From: kzim@watserv.ucr.edu (Christopher Robin Zimmerman) Newsgroups: rec.sport.pro-wrestling Subject: WWF Monday Night Raw - 1/2/93 Keywords: 3ATR857 = Steiner Message-ID: <25699@galaxy.ucr.edu> Date: 2 Feb 93 20:56:04 GMT Sender: news@galaxy.ucr.edu Lines: 157 Nntp-Posting-Host: watnxt01.ucr.edu Short results from last week: Macho Man def. Repo Man to reclaim his hat, Kamala squashed Kim Chee playing the Brooklyn Brawler, and in the loser leaves the Federation match, Mr. Perfect def. Ric Flair after two ad breaks. This match, incidentally, featured a classic Hebner-kicks-the-foot-off-the-rope-with-righteous-indignation move. Onwards... WWF Monday Night Raw, shown on the USA Network 1.2.93 Although the opening credits are the same, I'm expecting Yokozuna shots to be edited in to where the Razor Ramon shots are. Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Macho Man Randy Savage, and Rob Bartlett, who finally appears to be cognizant of the fact that television is a visual media by wearing something other than a T-shirt and jeans. Tatanka v. Damien DeFreshMaker. After Tatanka tries the quick small package, 'Mentos goes to the neck with chops. Tatanka invites DeMento out of the ring involuntarily, but 'Mentos lands on his feet and talks to The Voice (tm). Tatanka follows and does some chopping. Back in the ring, and more chopping. 'Mentos chops back and clotheslines, and talks to the sky some more. Boots and elbows while the commentators congradulate the Dallas Cowboys to show just how live the program is. 'Mentos slows it down with kicks and 2 counts and Bartlett does the Tatanka truck joke about A YEAR too late. A "We want Flair" chant has started up in the crowd, but doesn't last long. Tatanka, after fighting out of a reverse chinlock does the whiny pout look (tm), the war dance (tm), and ye olde papoose to go (tm). 1,2,3, some push for DeMento, wot? "Highlight" from MSG's Headlock on Hunger. Hart comes in with a $100K check. The ring is surrounded by wrestlers, including Flair. Send YOUR checks to Headlock on Hunger, and maybe they'll stop handing out that address. Geez, am I watching WWF or PBS? Vince interviews "one of the all time greats..." Brutus Beefcake. You'll recall the last time we saw him was WM8, which Vince conveniently forgets. Brutus is here to announce his return to the ring. God help us all. Vince plays up the face reconstruction, and we are treated to a recap of the Barber's life for the past five years (or so). Brutus buries his mother, who died of cancer, later buries his father who died "partly of a broken heart," his wife divorced him for some bar guy, taking all his money (crowd doesn't buy it), the infamous parasailing accident, the ordeal in the hospital with the doctors not giving him odds to live (guy in crowd yells "Kill yourself!"), and the whole time I'm wondering if maybe he's angry enough to turn heel. But then the Hogan's blood thing comes up. Of course, anyone with Hogan's blood in him can't be all bad. This interview, having lasted longer than the Tatanka match, is really trying the crowd's patience. More Hogan talk (fans are booing). At the lowest point in his life, with literally nothing to lose (except presumably his pruning shears), he asked the Hulkster what he should do. Hulk, we are told, replied "Go for it, Brutus! Go for it!" (Sure he did.) So now you know who is going to carry the banner of Hulk Hogan. Brutus has signed the open contract... WM9 ad. No Hogan, and Flair has been edited out. Sigh... High Energy v. Dream Jobber Team (Von "Hitler" Krus and "Iron" Mike Sharpe). First TV appearance of Koko's Bird Energy pants, a real step up from Neidhart's New Foundation pants. Does anyone else notice that when the syndies pull up a still shot of High Energy, Koko's in his eighties outfit? Anyway, Sharpe manhandles Hart for about ten seconds. Hart with dropkick, armbar (guess he's not injured after all), tag, wishbone stretch. Tag on each side, quick dropkick off top rope into bridge. Oh, is it over? Yes, it is. These two matches still haven't matched the Beefcake interview for length. Let us take you back to Doink, a "lead-filled" prosthesis, Crush, and...well, you know. Typhoon v. Doink (The Clown) Apparently, the powers that be haven't decided between Doink and Doink the Clown. They'll probably screw it up and go with Doink the Clown (as if we couldn't tell he's a clown--GEEZ). Doink still is odds-on favourite for musical theme of the year. Doink with QUICK takedown, Typhoon gets up, Doink takes him down again, headlock, Typhoon gets up, tosses Doink. Crowd is chanting "Doink doink doink..." and I'm starting to think this Clown thing may be a good idea yet. Typhoon down again, Doink with arm hold, another arm hold, elbow to the back, reverse chinlock. Bartlett is clueless. Typhoon backs into the ropes, sandwiching Doink. Whip and sleeper for Typhoon, but Doink doinks the eyes. Yet another hold from the Doinkster. Punches to the head, but Typhoon hulks up and hits a powerslam. Whip and a miss. Doink jumps, knocks him down and gets the pin with the help of a wedgie on the tights. Slaughter, amazingly enough, does not come out and reverse the decision. Say, wasn't this a loser leaves the federation match? Time will tell. WWF Mania ad. "It's..." Vince interviews Todd Pettengill. Saturday, you'll be treated to a Giant Gonzales match, if you remember to set your VCR. The Fink eulogizes Andre the Giant. Stills of Andre throughout his WWF careers while the bell rings and the crowd (for the most part) stands in silence. Pretty classy, given the notice. Promos: ICOPRO (Hart), WWF Figures, Slim Jim (Savage) Bartlett: "Slim Jim, for the times when you don't really care what part of the cow you're eating." Vince: "Ha ha ha..." As Yokozuna comes in, Bartlett goes one more step over the edge by complimenting Savage on being the first guy to knock 'Zima off his feet. You can hear History Revisionist McMahon wince in the background when he says "I don't think so..." Vince says Hacksaw Jim Duggan is on the phone, and we hear a dial tone. Oh yeah, the opponent is Bobby DeVito (friend of someone on the net, I recall). Oh wait, Duggan *is* on the phone. Duggan hasn't learned to pronounce Yawkazooma yet, I guess in his position he can pretty much mangle the name any way he wants. Duggan sets up the Japan (Yokozuna: hails from the Polynesian Islands) vs. USA feud, putting all sorts of words in the mouths of the opponents. Duggan's voice fades in and out...must be cellular...while 'Zima gets the zquash. Vince interviews Money, Limited who come out without Jimmy Hart. DiBiase mangles "Humpty Dumpty," which is supposed to be ye olde tale auf Brutus Beefcake. Thinking that just after a three year hiatus is probably a poor time to be signing open contracts, DiBiase denies some poor jobber a chance for an easy win by offering either himself or Irwin as the opponent. After flipping a coin, DiBiase wins. Out comes Hart, who thinks this is a bad idea and advises against it, thinking that if either man were to be injured during such a frivolous match, "that would be it, baby." DiBiase assures him that there is NO WAY they could possibly get hurt against Beefcake. Guess who will be taking a vacation from the WWF pretty soon. The Fink introduces (The Narcissist) Lex Luger. Luger does his posing in front of the mirror you've all heard about. Out comes the fattest, ugliest ring girl you'd never hope to see in a swimsuit, ruining Luger's routine. Steve Jordan of the Minnesota Vikings introduces us to the Perfect passer. This vignette, I've heard, is going to win THIS year's "most judicious use of editing" award at Cannes, bringing the streak to two years in a row. (The Narcissist) Lex Luger v. Jason Knight. Savage tells us that Beefcake will indeed wrestle the Million Dollar Man. Luger shows off his impressive arsenal of wrestling moves and pins with his pinky. Check out that "Total Package" banner in the crowd. We do not get the traditional stretcher ending, maybe next week, although Luger does do a helicopter spin with his (clearly unconscious!) opponent. There are now TWO fat ring girls. Urgh. I think someone in the front office misunderstood when they were give the directive "We need a larger audience share." Promos: Cybergenics Phase 1, Bicycle Playing Cards, "T2" Nintendo carts Next week: The Dog Show. Next next week: Beefcake v. DiBiase in a nostalgia match, and a sixteen man over the top rope battle royal. I predict a swift victory for Barry Horowitz, who will take Yokozuna out. And no doubt we will get highlights of Hacksaw's death. Let me tell ya...I've seen this Clown guy wrestle on four different occasions, and I'm coming around...I just might become a little Doinker myself. Christopher Zimmerman / "Ah, could that hath been I!" - Ultimate Warrior / kzim@watserv.ucr.edu / kzim@ucrmath.ucr.edu / zimmerma@ucrengr.ucr.edu