WWF Monday Night RAW, coming to you from the Lowell Memorial Auditorium in Lowell, MA (what, again?) 19.9.94 (but taped eons ago, 15.8) and broadcast on the USA Network. Let us take you back to SummerSlam, where Tatanka does that heel turn thing and starts wearing real outfits, and riding limos with good friend Ted DiBiase, who is teaching him how to laugh. Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Randy Savage. Randy is befuddled by Tatanka...well, it doesn't take much. The Narcissist v. (Agony) The Executioner - You know, Lex is man enough to forgive the 54% of the people that doubted him...thank God. I mean, how much fun can life be when you hold a grudge against over half of the people? Lou Gianfriddo is here, taking notes for his "RAW Ringside" column...buy magazines...oh, look, a little wrestling! Well, very little anyway. The commentary, as you might imagine, is all about Tatanka. Apparenly, Native Americans all over the world (you figure it out, I can't) are devastated by Tatanka's actions. The finisher is the Rebel Rack. Once again, Pain doesn't bother to run in and save his partner. Hype for next week's show: Tatanka, Diesel & Shawn Michaels, and the British Bulldog on the King's Court. If only they had a name vs. name match...I guess it'll be a surprise. Jerry Lawler v. Duke Droese - If I had a dollar for every time someone said "it's time to take out the trash..." I could retire. Lawler does a lot of insulting, and we take an ad break. Droese wheels out a plastic trash can. Joe speculates that Dink is inside, and I have to agree that he's spoiled another ending for both of us. After a merry chase outside the ring, we actually start. Well, ok, no. Lawler wants to make sure that Droese knows all the rules. This is called "psychological warfare." Lockup, the King gets a headlock. Droese picks up Lawler and throws him. Lawler cowers in the corner, using referee "Blind" Dave Hebner for a shield. After some more stalling, and some impatience by the Dumpster, they lock up again. Back into the corner (Lawler is pulling the hair), Laeler misses a punch, Droese doesn't. Lawler steps outside and chats with the fans. After coming back in and complaining about the closed fist, the lock up. Back into the corner, and a hiptoss by the Dumpster. Whip, punch, punch, punch, punch...you get the idea. The big ten punches and Lawler falls over...and goes outside again. "Burger King" chant...oh, it's hurting his ears. Lockup, into the corner. Lawler tries to whip Duke, but he's not going. Duke whips Lawler then a back body drop. And, yes, Lawler goes outside. Following Rule of RAW #1, we take an ad break. I think I saw the trash can moving... When we come back, Lawler is going into his tights. With a fist behind his back, Lawler asks for the test of strength with his other hand. The crowd tries to tip off Duke. Of course, Lawler has the object hidden by the time the ref checks. This time, Lawler asks for the test of strength AND limps. Finally, Duke goes for it, and Lawler nails him with whatever it was. Firmly in control, Lawler punches away. Head into the turnbuckle. More punching. Lawler poses in the corner to tumultuous boos. Head into the turnbuckle. Taunts and punches. Droese gets choked on the second rope (Lawler: "Who's the Burger King now?"). Lawler with a snapmare, and a fist off the second rope. 1, 2, kick out with authority. Lawler with his patented piledriver. You think he'd try to pin him, right? No, no, he's going for the trash can to dump it on him. Oh, didn't see that coming. Dink is inside with a squirt gun. Lawler goes after him, natch, while Hebner coutns like the wind. Dink goes behind the curtain, and Lawler stops. Meanwhile, the bell rings. While he protests, Dink sneaks back and bites Lawler on the butt. I'm laughing hard, yeah. Dink goes in the ring, Lawler follows, Droese trips him up, Dink runs over him. Lawler goes outside and grabs the can...of course, by now Doink is behind him with a Burger King crown on. Lawler rusn away and out, through the crowd. The clowns spasm. Duke looks dumb. I'm glad I watched the end of the Detroit/Dallas game. The Action Zone debuts 23 October in the "All-American" time slot...get excited! The Heavenly Bodies v. Mike Bell & Steve King - Promos: ICOPRO (Ramon), Slim Jim (Savage), Super Street Fighter 2 Bell never gets tagged in, at least during the part they showed us on TV. del Ray does a "Bang Bang" probably to put down the Smoking Gunns and not Cactus Jack. The finisher is a moonsault. The WWF: We Offend Catholics. This is the second in the award winning series. Vince McMahon interviews Bob Backlund, which I have transcribed in a previous article. I like it, he's completely off the deep end. I imagine Bob knows who shot John F. Kennedy, too. Anyway, the upshot is that if ANYONE can get out of Backlund's crossface chickenwing, he'll retire. He offers to put it on Vince, who deflects the offer. Lou Gianfriddo (Gee, I wondered why he was REALLY here) says he'll volunteer. Bob snaps again and snaps Lou. Man, that chicken wing *is* the greatest hold in wrestling. Bob looks at his hands...and smiles... This should be replayed on every WWF show this weekend, do check it out. Fantastic. Let us take you back to moments ago. Man, Vince looks funny trying to get Bob off of him. Bob "Spark Plugg" Holly v. Richie Rich - Holly bears a striking resemblance to Thurman "Spark[e]y" Plugg; even the Fink is fooled. Of course, Vince and RAndy are so shocked by Mr. Backlund that they forget to call this match. The finisher is a plancha, I think. Promos: Mortal Kombat 2, the Clinton Backwards Running Watch, Spiderman Venom: Maximum Carnage Yokozuna v. Phil Apollo - Again, Cornette and Fuji are absent. The winner of the Paul Bearer lookalike contest gets to go to the Survivor Series. Anybody want to guess how HE'LL be used? Banzai. Bong. Bong. See ya. Next week: Shawn Michaels & Diesel, Tatanka, King's Court with British Bulldog, and an update on Lou Gianfriddo's condition...of course, since this was taped over a month ago, I hope he's feeling better by next Monday. Oh wait, this happened TONIGHT. I get so confused sometimes. See ya next week!