by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
I GET LETTERS: Gary Graham has issues. Hi,remember me?I'm the one who
works for Buff's Fan Club.I'm writing to say I'm getting a little bit
tired of all the negative Buff comments in yours(and others) columns.What
is it?You think it's 'cool" to insult him?But making comments about hm
"being gay" like you did in the Nitro report was a bit low.You sound like
Wade Keller over at that rag he does called The Torch.If you don't like
the guy fine,but calling him gay when you know he's not is uncalled for.If
you think he's got no talent,fine,but leave it at that.If anything,you're
the one who sounds gay making comments about it.Why do you care?Is it
wishful thinking on your part?Now who do I sound like with those
comments?Look in a mirror.I'm kinda curious to hear the reasons you
dislike Buff,I need a laugh.
I like the Torch, and I think Wade Keller is a funny, funny guy. I have
absolutely no special knowledge of Buff's sexual preference either
way....but I'm pretty sure I know where I'M standing. Hint: You're not my
type, and Buff isn't either - but I hope you two are very happy together.
And please - use spaces between sentences. It helps ALL of us. I feel
bad taking the cheap shot, but apparently nobody's told you about it so
I'm willing to take the heat if it gets you separating 'em out, there.
QUICK QUOTES: SPLN 44 3/4 (- 3 3/4), who cares? The *big* news is clearly
the announcement this morning of a major merger - that's right! Nextlink
(NXLK, 77 1/16) announced it would work a stock swap to take over
Concentric Network (CNCX, 39 5/8) for $45 a share (barring any drastic
swings in the 20-day average price of Nextlink before the end of the
quarter). If you don't know why this is important, just move on to the
next paragraph and put it out of your mind. If you DO know why this is
important, keep it to yourself, okay?
Of course, the REAL news and the stock to watch (to everybody who isn't me)
is TWX 90 1/16 (+ 19 1/16), which announced a merger with America (ha!)
Online (AOL, 72 3/4) - the new company will be known as AOL Time Warner and
trade under the AOL symbol. As if comparing the prices of Time Warner and
WWF Entertainment weren't unfair enough, NOW WCW is an even TINIER piece in
the big pie of the parent. I'll probably still quote 'em up here, though -
gotta have SOMETHING to bring week-to-week stability to the format! And
wrestling results JUST AREN'T GONNA CUT IT!
Still, you have to wonder...I mean, certain online folk made a lot of hay
out of the CBS-Viacom deal - remember that? "SmackDown! will be gone
before it even starts! THE UPN DEAL IS DOOMED!" You think those same
people are going to say anything about AOL doing anything with this
money-losing division? Hah?
Here's hoping that the lead headline in tomorrow's Onion is "CRAPPY ISP
BUYS ANNOYING MEDIA CONGLOMERATE"
KATE WRIGHTSON READS THIS CRAP?!? I'm hardly ever surprised, but THAT one
floored me. Just goes to show that you can NEVER define "wrestling
fandom" - or "non-wrestling fandom" as it were. news.groups in da house!
Usenet in your face! I have no idea what I'm exclaiming - or why!
Of course, the whole indefinibility of "wrestling fandom" should have been
made ABUNDANTLY clear to me the first time NPR's Laura wrote to me...I only
mention her now because some of us are wondering how she's doing and are
also too lazy to actually send an email while we have this public forum to
abuse - AHEM - on with the show!
WCW logo - it delineates between the stuff that isn't the report and
the stuff that is
TV-14-DLS ratings box welcomes us to a special package of THUNDER!
highlights! Also the closed captioned logo makes a cameo. Not only is
Funk vs. Nash for the position of comissioner set for Souled Out, but last
Thursday Funk took on Bret Hart - and also got put through the stage,
courtesy Kevin Nash.
Looking live at a long limo - Funk, Zbyszko, Orndoff, and Anderson walk out
STUFF THAT FLASHES!! We are live from the Marine Midland Arena in Buffalo,
NY and Tony wastes no time noticing that no matter what the sport,
Buffalo's got fans who WHINE, it's WCW Monday Nitro Live! 10.1.99 and only
on AMERICA ONLINE NETWORK TELEVISION
PERRY SATURN & DEAN MALENKO (with Shane Douglas & Asya) v. KONNAN & KIDMAN
(with Raymond Stereo) v. DAVID FLAIR & DEVON CROWBAR (with Daffney Unger)
in a triple threat tag team match - Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! where
the Revolution folks did bad things to Mysterio's knee. The Animals take
on the Revolution for about thirty seconds until that REALLY annoying laugh
brings out the champs and now it's a Pier Six Brawl - you know, you can
CALL it a "three way dance," but ain't NOBODY dancing out there. Douglas,
on fourth headset, says "I love it when a Flair gets dumped on his head!"
Shane, your dream's dead. Trust me. Daffney screams a lot, which the
cameraman finds more interesting than this match. The commentators discuss
the Revolution's mystery partner for Souled Out, but Shane keeps it...a
mystery. Shane makes the first call of a move 2:30 into the match. Champs
use the hardware, even though I don't recall anybody telling me that this
was a no DQ, falls count anywhere match. Saturn & Malenko grab a hold of
Mysterio and take off - Shane goes off after them to figure out why they'd
leave the ring. We see Saturn walking up through the crowd, while we see
Malenko walk Mysterio over to a table - Malenko and Douglas put Mysterio
down - Saturn's up on the New Jack! He's gonna - WOW! Douglas asks Saturn
what the hell he's doing - this is WCW, man! Well, he doesn't say that
really. Anyway, a trainer is over - ha! Goes RIGHT to Saturn! No, wait,
he's over checking Rey. A stretcher is brought out for Rey while David
Flair, who's found his way over next to the stage, has covered Saturn for
the...pinfall. Guess they DID count anywhere. Champs retain. (4:37)
Your hosts are the AWESOME 3 - Tony says that rather than announce
tonight's matches, Terry Funk has decided to book on the fly tonight - now
that opening is JUST TOO EASY. Also tonight, a special interview with
Stevie Ray ("sucka" will be said) - Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! where
Stevie Ray proved to not be a man of his word by taking the slapjack to his
brother and Midnight. Also tonight, a special face-to-face with Buff
Bagwell and Diamond Dallas Page. Let Us Take You Back Once Again to
THUNDER! where Page and Bagwell threw REAL punches. This segment must go
five minutes before they start swinging or fines of fifty grand will be
levied. And YOU thought we'd have MATCHES on this show!
Backstage, the NWO limo has arrived - it's apparently Scott Steiner's
birthday, and the boys bought him a present - sixteen - no, eight easy
chicks!
The old folks regard this on the monitor...then stand up and walk away.
Larry takes special care to make sure his pinky NEVER touches the handle of
his coffee cup
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro on TNT is brought to you by Western
Union Money Transfer!
Here's a replay of Saturn diving onto Rey Mysterio - and here's another
angle - and here's another - that's two (or three) more camera angles than
WCW normally has, by the way. There's a replay of the pin.
Here's Mysterio loaded in the ambulance - he doesn't seem to want to go
Here's Scott Steiner and lots bouncin' boobies - when they jiggle like that
I can't HELP but think "Coochie coochie" Apparently, he's gonna go f*ck
two of 'em and then come back for others later.
OKLAHOMA is out. GREAT. He carries a broom and a bottle of BBQ sauce. "I
just got something to say tonight, and it ain't politically correct...but
it's the truth. I am sick and tired of all these [hooches] around here -
all these [hooches] around here that don't realise that their place is in
the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant - what they don't realise that if they
ain't barefoot and pregnant and cleaning up after men like us, then real
men, like me - we just ain't got no use for 'em, I mean let's look at the
masters. You got your Archie Bunker, you got your Ralph Kramden - would
Ralph have let Alice get into a rasslin' ring and rassle a man? I don't
think so. But this Madusa [here he waits for the pop - it doesn't come]
...she needs to learn her role. That silicone freak needs to realise that
where she belongs is bringin' her husband his slippers and his beer, and if
she can't do that, she ain't no damn good. Now I'm out here tonight 'cause
I want to send a message to ol' Madusa. I wanna give her a little taste of
exactly what's gonna happen at WCW Souled Out when I take that WCW
Cruiserweight title right from around her cellulite-riddled waist. So I'm
out here to let- I'm out here to issue an open challenge to any woman who
thinks she can beat old Oklahoma - bring your fat ass down here, and let's
have ourselves a good ol' fashioned slobberknocker." Here comes...
ASYA v. OKLAHOMA - Oklahoma tries to balk, saying "I can't wrestle you - I
wanted to wrestle a woman!" Asya pushes him down - Oklahoma begs off -
then when she turns her back (why?) he hits a high knee. Outside - stomp!
Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! This guys almost knows as many moves as the
Rock! Asya pops up, kicks, punches, scoop - sorta - and a slam - he's a
big dude, you know. MADUSA comes out (with music!) as Oklahoma busts the
BBQ sauce bottle over Asya. Madusa wears a blue boa and blue wig - why?
Madusa checks on Asya - why? - then gets in the ring, whereupon Oklahoma -
guess - STOMPS on her! Then he whacks her with the broom - the second
time, the broom breaks, but not in the right spot. Oklahoma lifts the
title belt, which turns out to be quite easy as Madusa is more worried
about keeping her wig on. No ref, no match; no match, no time.
Funk's foursome - is - WALKING!
The NWO tells Scott it's time to be WALKING! But he's occupado
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Judge Wapner's Cash Scam,
Hot Pockets' Toaster Breaks Pizza, and "The Iron Giant" on pay-per-view
"Closed captioning where available sponsored by our new best friends -
America Online!" - Tony "Company Man" Schiavone
Out walk T&A & LARRY ZBYSZKO & PAUL ORNDORFF - Let Us Take You Back One
More Time - Make That Two More Times - to Nash's powerbomb of Funk off the
stage of THUNDER! There are a few Buffalo Bills in the front row (hey, you
guys lost - yeah - you guys.) Funk: "Big Sexy! Dead man walking! Dead
man still walking! You're gonna have to do more than put me through the
stage ... to get the best of this old man. If it's war you want, it's war
you've got. You see, these three guys behind me - I picked them up off of
the unemployment line. These three guys are MY three guys. And we are the
Old Age Outlaws. But we're still young enough to kick your ass! Come on
out!" Tenay: "I like that - the Old Age Outlaws!" Schiavone: "So do I!"
Anderson: "There's an old saying that when faced with adversity, if
it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger - well they almost killed me,
and I sure don't feel stronger, but I'm ill as hell. You see it goes like
this - when faced in a situation of engagement - get off first, get the
first lick in - so I'm telling you NWO, I'm gonna reduce myself to your
level and I'm gonna skulk around the back, and I'm gonna find me maybe a
broom closet to hide in, some shadows, and the first time I see one, or all
of the back of your heads, I'm gonna get me some payback tonight."
Zybszko: "Ladies and gentlemen of Buffalo - ladies and gentlemen of the
planet Earth - and to all you New World Order members in the back - we're
gonna get something straight right now - you're going to listen and you're
going to learn. You're gonna open your eyes and you're going to see the
truth 'cause you're not looking at Larry Zbyszko. You're not looking at
Arn Anderson, the Enforcer. You're not looking at Terry Funk of the famous
Funk family. And you're not looking at Paul Orndorff, the Branden Bull,
you're looking at tradition! And it has risen it's scarred-up, ugly head -
against you! If it wasn't for us and names I could go on forever, you
CLOWNS would not be in the wrestling business! The world has gone through
it's millennium madness, and I got news for everybody - this is the same
old century, and there's not a Powers that Be, and there's not a New World
Order, that's gonna make it to the 21st Century unless it's over our dead
bodies and legends never die!" Orndorff: "Well said. You know, last
three or four weeks, you've seen these young men sittin' on the front row.
These young men here are from my Power Plant - these are my men. These
young men bleed every day - sweat - tears! - to help keep the tradition
that we - have done so many years ago - that tradition still lives. Some
people seem to think that well, maybe we're all past our prime. I don't
know about you, but I can stay all night up with the best of 'em. And if
you want to get in a fight where you gotta get in the mud and the blood and
deer, I can still do that too. It wasn't two or three weeks ago that you
saw myself get fired - all of us get fired - but we've kicked everybody's
ass that we've had to kick to be where we are today. So believe this, if
you think these old dogs don't have another bite in 'em, you're awful
wrong, because tonight, we're gonna take a chunk out of your ass." Funk
takes the mic, but the music cuts him off - you can just FEEL this segment
going long. Wanna have fun? Translate Orndorff into English. Here's the
NWO - Jeff Jarrett is wearing a Frank Wycheck jersey for local heat. I
would think the #1 guy in the group would speak first, guess who it is?
"You know guys, it's kind of ironic since we go on at 8 o'clock how it
worked out for you all, and allowed you guys to get your early bird dinner
in. And, ah, Funk, I don't know if you suffer from Alzheimer's, brain
damage or a combination of both - you know, I was gonna wait and do this at
Souled Out, but I guess you're just not gonna learn, are ya? You're gonna
have to learn the hard way. Now, myself, instead of being out here tonight
badgering with the senior circuit, I should be out buying a coupla new
suits - 'cause I wanna look good when I become the commissioner next week.
Now, by looking at your apparel, you obviously didn't get any memo on any
kinda dress code for the commissioner - that's a nice Target outfit you got
there, commissioner. So whaddaya gotta say, Funk? Hah? Whattaya gotta
say, old man?" "Is that it? Is that all you have to say? Don't you have
anything else to say? Because if you don't, I'll tell you what my role is
here in WCW. I make each and every match, and I am making all of the
matches here tonight, and Jeff Jarrett - Jeff Jarrett, tonight I am gonna
give you a couple of special stipulations. I know that you are in Souled
Out in a Triple Threat Threatre match Sunday. Well let me tell ya, tonight
I am putting you in not one, but three matches. The first match will be a
wrestling match, the second match will be a bunkhouse brawl, and the third
match will be a cage match. And every match will be against one of my very
close friends." "That's fine, that's fine, but you just gotta do one thing
for me. You gotta tell me who my opponent's gonna be in each one of those
matches, because you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna kick THEIR ass just
like the Tennessee Titans kicked the Buffalo Bills' ass this past Saturday!
Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey! But please, you gotta tell me one thing, in
that wrestling match - if it's gonna be Zbyszko, you gotta tell me now,
because I'm gonna have to apologise ahead of time, because I'm gonna
stretch his ass like it's never been stretched before." "I don't have to
tell you anything, and the reason why is I am the commissioner. But I will
tell you one thing - you're not gonna be in the ring against any three of
these men right here, but you will going against three of my very best
friends tonight. So whaddaya think about that, give that some thought -
Jarrett!" "I just hope they don't die before they get to the
ring..hahahaha." "You don't have to worry about that - you don't have to
worry abou that, Jarrett - I am going to be in this ring, and like I said,
whenever you are in this ring, you are gonna be in three different
matches." Nash: "I guess Arn Anderson's gonna be the referee, right? Is
Arn gonna referee these?" "No, Arn Anderson isn't gonna be a referee - I
have a very special referee in mind to wear the black and white stripes,
and that referee tonight is gonna be Chris Benoit!" The crowd goes NUTS!
Well, sorta. Hart tells Funk he can't do that but we don't hear it. Funk:
"I can do anything I want to, Bret, at any time I want to! In fact,
tonight I'm gonna put you in a special match - in this ring with the
world's cham - championship title at stake! And in that match, you know
who you're going to be going up against? I'm gonna tell you who you're
gonna be going up against - you're going to be going up against Kevin 'Big
Sexy' Nash!" "We're not gonna fight each other, are you kidding me? We're
like brothers. So get a new idea, there's no way we're gonna put this
title between us and get a new idea, Terry Funk, 'cause you're an idiot!
You're senile and you're and idiot and it's not gonna happen!" "Let me
tell ya somethin'. If you take it easy on each other, I will see that you
are suspended for a year in WCW without pay! And I will see, Bret Hart,
that you are stripped from the world's championship belt - that's what I'll
do!" Nash: "Well, number one there, Funk - unlike you, I've saved my
money so I'll take the year off and I'm six hours from gettin' my
correspondence ah degree in gynecologidylala, so ah..." "Yeah, and I don't
need the money either, I'll take the year off too." "You're gonna lose the
belt, Bret Hart, you're gonna lose the belt. If you don't go out there and
wrestle your best, you are gonna lose that belt. Because I am gonna take
it away from you!" Steiner: "Listen here, Terry Funk! You old son of a
(beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)" Funk: "Steiner, you haven't
been officially cleared to wrestle, so I don't wanna see you crippled in
this ring. But I'll tell you one thing, I'm gonna do something to you
tonight that your momma should have done to you a long time ago. I'm gonna
wash your mouth out with soap. Hit the music!" We IMMEDIATELY go to the
ad break, cutting off Schiavone in mid-sentence - see, we're running late
again...coming up, five minutes under a minute long and several long ad
breaks! Do stay tuned!
WCW and Surge are the perfect match! Collect the five action cans -
now!
Funk gives Anderson some directions, then tells the other two guys they
won't know what hit 'em.
Buff Bagwell is WALKING!
Diamond Dallas Page is also WALKING!
That sure is one dark arena
Arn Anderson is out back, at a limousine. Who's in it? "I thought it was
somebody else, sorry" - quick to the ad break!
Where's WCW going? Tomorrow, THUNDER! tapes in Erie! Catch them Friday in
Charleston. Tix on sale Thursday for Winnipeg, Friday on sale for THUNDER!
in Reno, and on sale Sunday for THUNDER! in Fargo!
It's Kimberly! And she's doing that thing that's al the rage - WALKING!
Let's Take a Special Video Look at Bagwell and Page - oh my, this sure got
real real, real fast. And by "real," I mean "totally fake." At least this
time, when they play the "Buff would put his stuff all over her," it isn't
muted. You take your positives where you can get them, I guess.
GENE O. works tonight! It's time for that long-awaited wrestling match -
err, wrestling - wrestling - interview. Another five minutes of yakkin'.
Here's DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, feeling the bang. Here's BUFF IS THE STUFF, a
man with quite a fan club. Remember, it's fifty thousand in fines if they
strike each other in the five minutes. Page asks Okerlund to step off as a
clock appears in the lower left corner. I know better, but let's
transcribe THIS one for posterity as well - I know it'll be looked back
upon as fondly as the previous segment.
"Hey monkey, grab the microphone, you're gonna need it. Ohhh."
"I've got one, monkey. What you got to say?"
"So, Puff. Last Thursday on Thunder, that piss you off?"
"Well let's just say you hit a few buttons, okay?"
"Good. I'm just gettin' started."
"Oh, really. How's your WIFE?"
(4:00 left)
"I don't know, why don't you tell us?"
"I'll tell ya - we're just friends."
"Just friends?"
"I'm a great listener."
"WOW! Now you're a great listener?"
"I'm a great listener, but listen Page I've told you before, Kimberly and
I, and I'll tell everybody out here, we're just ... friends. But you know
what? I see a little sparkle in your eye, and you know what? I'm not too
sure it may not be DDP that's got the short - comings."
"Shortcomings. Trying to cost me fifty grand off the bat."
"Do ya got it?"
"I've got it, j[ackoff]."
"Careful."
"Shortcomings? That's good. It's not original, but that's good, LITTLE
MAN. (3) Hey little man, let's cut the [bullshit] and let's get right to
it. The night in Little Rock when you were at the bar hittin' on my wife
ALL NIGHT LONG."
"Don't go there."
"I'm there."
"Listen to me, I've said it once - we're just friends - period."
"Hahaha - I want you to try something with me here for a minute." "I'm with
ya."
"Try and be honest - just for a moment. Weren't you the guy at the bar
feedin' my wife drinks all night long? Weren'tcha? Trying to take
advantage of a situation that you know we talked about. I called you while
I was in L.A., I told you I'm over here - I'm right here - look at me (2) -
I told you that we were havin' problems and that she missed me - but what
did my buddy do, Bagwell, who doesn't do all his thinking with the big
head? HE tries to get MY wife in his bed."
We cut to a shot of Kimberly watching all this on a monitor.
"Okay - okay - lemme ask you a question - let's say it was Page that was
gettin' blamed for having an affair with one of the boys' wives. Let's
just say it was, big man, okay, and let's just say the sexual chemistry -
well, heh heh heh, you could cut it with a knife - at least that night you
could. Is that what you're saying? If that's what you're sayin' Mr. DDP,
Mr. Party Man (1), Mr. Nightclub Owner, if that's what you're saying, look
me in my eyes and tell me you wouldn'ta done the same thing."
"No - I wouldn't. That's EXACTLY what I'm telling ya."
"Well that's exactly what I'm saying - neither did I." "Oh so you didn't do
it." "I didn't do it."
"Why the hell should I believe you? Why should I trust you?" "Why the hell
should you NOT trust me? Lookitme, I'm here. Hook me up - you want a lie
detector's test? I'll do it. Everybody here knows I'm Buff and I'm the
stuff. But--" "So what you've saying to me is that I overreacted." "You
overreacted." "That you're not a boldfaced liar."
"Let's ask the people - am I a liar?"
(Crowd makes noise)
"But the one problem I got is the boys saying over and over and over again
to me, 'you know Page, that Bagwell keeps talking about how sexy your
(time's up! let's get to blows!) wife's birthmark is."
"Birthmark?"
"I'm not talking about the one everybody can see - I'm talking about the
one that only *I* can see." "So that's what all this is about - a
birthmark. Well, hell, that's easy - I've DEFINITELY seen that - but so's
all the boys in the back too!"
And Page PASTES him with a left. There's a right. We look to the video
wall to see Kimberly get up - and Bagwell pulls out a telescoping baton and
beats Page with it, then says "I didn't do it! I didn't do it!" Buff's
music plays.
What the HELL just happened?
In the NWO locker room, Jarrett paces back and forth, briefly being
obscured by the TV-14-DLS ratings box. Nash and Hart try to figure
out how to deal with their match. Nash offers to go down, but Hart says he
respects him too much. Of course, this devolves into an argument and Nash
says he'll have no problem winning the belt tonight.
Meanwhile, in the back, Arn freezes waiting for the transport with the
special ref - oh, never mind, the car's arrived!
CHRIS BENOIT comes to the ring wearing the zebra pattern. He's so happy to
be here.
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. ? in a bunkhouse brawl - the OLD AGE OUTLAWS
come out second - and then present ...oh, God...GEORGE "THE ANIMAL" STEELE.
Each man wheels a cart of plunder to the ring. Steele throws various
objects into the ring and in Jarrett's general direction. We last saw the
Animal, of course, at the unbelievably terrific "Heroes of Wrestling" PPV.
Oodles of time being wasted as Jarrett refuses to get in the ring. Finally
on the apron and Steele hits the wimpiest trashcan shot I've ever seen.
That one's a bit better - so's that chair shot. Jarrett still yet to enter
the ring. What's that, a tub? Jarrett decides to walk away while Steele
snacks on a turnbuckle cover. The Outlaws advance on Jarrett to prevent
him from getting too far. Jarrett in - gee-tar whack. Arn Anderson is in
- there's a spinebuster. Benoit drags Steele onto Jarrett and fast counts
a 3. (1:13) Hey Billones, PUT STEELE ON THE LADDER!
Steiner's done with two women - who know now why they call him Big Poppa
Pump. Steiner - urgh - pours champagne on himself - then invites some
women in.
In a split screen, we see Nash and Hart getting taped up.
Promotional consideration paid for by Hot Pockets' Lean Pockets metaballs &
mozzerella, Plus+White toothpaste, Jolly Time Blast o' Butter popcorn,
Frank's Red Hot sauce, and "the Iron Giant" on pay-per-view!
Goldberg T-shirt ad.
Jarrett tells Nash to punk out Hart and prevent them from having the match.
Meanwhile, Funk congratulates Steele and asks Anderson to get the
next one. Steele: "Surprise?"
Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER!, in case you haven't yet seen this clip of
Stevie Ray punking out his brother and Midnight with the blackjack - I
mean, slapjack.
There's a shot of the cage before we go to Mean Gene, who welcomes STEVIE
RAY to the ring. Ray trips on the giant "C" on his way out - who had him
in the weekly pool? Ray accuses Okerlund and the Awesome 3 of ministering
the propaganda, then - get this - gets MUTED on "fruit booty!" Seven years
ago, Harlem Heat came to WCW - and even then, the Man was tryin' to keep
'em down. When Booker T. started to taste some singles success - winning
the TV title because that's the only title the Man would let him win - how
could he turn his back on his own brother, his own neighbourhood? Just
because he wears the Johnny Carson suits and the Bruno Magli shoes don't
mean he's not from the hood anymore, "and we all know what happened to the
last sucka that stepped out with Bruno Magli shoes on!" Ray promises at
Souled Out...we pause for the (muted) "asshole" chant. What's the POINT?
"You know, at Souled Out - my brotha got a pay-per-view named after him!"
The music plays again and BOOKA T. & MYDNYTE are out. Midnight has the
ability to walk out without a chime? T. wants to know what's going on -
they slept in the same bed for twelve years, he's not gonna fight him. Ray
asks why he picked up that crackajack [fruit booty] to watch his back. T.
says he loves him and he's his brother, and Momma's probably turning over
in her grave. Last week he made his decision when he racked 'em on Thunder
- "you're on your own, man - I ain't wrestling you tonight, I ain't
wrestling you at Souled Out, I ain't never wrestling you. We outta here."
Ray spins him around and slaps him one. "I tell you what, bro. I tell you
what - you want a fight? You got a fight at Souled Out. But I'm gonna
tell like this right here. This [SHIT will be] fixed, now can you dig
that."
Backstage, Jarrett suggests to Hart that Nash might be a little jealous.
Before I figure out what this one's about (I thought he was gonna suggest
to Hart that they punk out Nash, but they didn't get there if they WERE
going here), they go to ad break.
CHRIS BENOIT is out again. The OLD FOLKS are out again. Terry Funk talks
about fire - don't tell me it's the Shiek? It's a former WWF
intercontinental (one of the "W's" having five syllables or so) champion,
former WWF tag team champion - yep, it's ****EL**** MATADOR, TITO SANTANA.
Last time we saw THIS guy, he was subbing for Hugo Savitovich during his
legal troubles. Unless he was at Heroes of Wrestling, too - I've blocked
it out of my memory, I guess. Jarrett struts a bit with his Titans jersey
in front of the Bills in the crowd, actually pushing TED WASHINGTON and
then daring him to jump the rail. Orndorff is over to stand between them,
and Jarrett shoves HIM as well. Jarrett gets in the ring, then rushes
Santana...
TITO SANTANA v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET in a dungeon match - you win
via pinfall, submission or throwing the man through the ropes to the floor.
Santana is in great shape and still has a great dropkick. FLYING
JALAPENO!!! Santana yanks on the leg, then splashes the knee twice.
Setting him up for the figure four, but Jarrett kicks him off - it takes
Santana three times to get up and over the top rope (sigh), headbutt
through the ropes - Sunset flip coming in - Benoit doesn't even think about
counting (oops), Jarrett clotheslines him down and now stomps away.
Jarrett kicking Santana onto the apron - ready to push him through to the
floor - Benoit over and he's got him in a waistlock - pulling him back to
the ring, Jarrett and Benoit shoving, Benoit pushes Jarrett into Santana,
punch, punch, Jarrett reverses and hits the Stroke but Benoit pulls him
off, meanwhile Ted Washington is up on the apron, there's a shove - Jarrett
looks around like "duh, who was I supposed to be shoved into?" and finally
Orndorff puts him in the patented piledriver - Santana covers, 1, 2, 3.
(2:24) Tell me - what exactly are the old folks proving with this?
Tank Abbott - is - WALKING!
I can't BELIEVE Coke would put SURGE ads on during THIS show and not
during SmackDown!
Jimmy Barron is a cheap bastard - PLEASE come to Souled Out - PLEASE!
Even in January, Barron wears the shorts and the flip-flops and hangs out
by the pool.
Sid Vicious and Sting have videos, and you can buy them. Also, the Nitro
Girls wear swimsuits and you can beat off to them - I mean, BUY them!
THUNDER! airs Wednesdays starting THIS week - by God, it's SPECIAL again!
Catch it at 6:05 - or if you're on the east coast, three hours later...
TANK ABBOTT is out. Let Us Take You Back to Abbott's latest beating of
Doug Dellinger - this one cost him $15K, we are told. "The countdown is on
- six days 'til I kick kickboy Huckleberry Finn's ass. It'll be the first
time he will find out what a Tank beating is all about. But what I want to
talk about is a big fat old duck body by the name of Doug Dellinger, head
of security. He seems to think that he can come out here, take money from
me. Ten thousand dollars here for hittin' him, ten thousand dollars there
for hittin' him. You can take all the money you want, duck boy, but you
can not take my pride or my integrity. I'm telling you right now, I'm
gonna give YOU the chance of a lifetime there, Doug Dellinger. I'll let
you come out here and take a shot on me, and then we'll go there. So why
don't you waddle your fat ass out here and try to take a poke at me.
That's what I thought, typical security." And I think he quacks. After
calling him a coward a few times, DOUG DELLINGER comes out again.
Abbott...apparently, quacks some more. Doug's in the ring now and trying
to politely decline (I think). Abbott finally grabs him by the tie (since
when does he wear a tie, anyway?), Dellinger gets a right but Abbott takes
him down rather fiercely. SECURITY & COPS come out and Abbott quickly gets
cuffed. "There's gonna be no handcuffs Sunday when he has that
shootfighting match with Jerry Flynn!" Well, here's JERRY FLYNN, who gets
a savat kick to the back of Abbott's head. Flynn sits up - and smirks.
Does THIS segment make you want to order the PPV?
Jeff Jarrett is WALKING!
Arn Anderson walks around to the back of a limo - and brings out - oh boy -
Superfly Jimmy Snuka.
Bret Hart is STILL getting dressed? It's been, like, an hour!
Kevin Nash is stretching
Chris Benoit is taking a little nap - he's apparently been laid out
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET v. JIMMY "SUPERFLY" SNUKA in a cage match -
Maybe I should just fast-forward to the big splash off the top of the cage.
Or...you don't think they'd bring him out here to NOT do that move? This
is WCW? Har de har har. Jarrett cuts a local heat promo running down the
Bills and proclaiming himself - and Frank Wycheck - the Chosen Ones. When
Tony says "I can remember back in 1978," so many things go through my mind.
One, since when does Tony remember things happening TWO MONTHS ago, and
two, how great an idea is it to get over Snuka by bring up great highlights
from *22* YEARS AGO? This match is all Jarrett. Here comes Benoit,
shaking it off. Trying to get in the cage, Jarrett shoves him off the
apron through the door - twice! Jarrett over on Snuka - Benoit in the
cage. Benoit on Jarrett. Chop! Into the cage! Again! Snap
suplex! Thumb crosses throat! Benoit climbing to the top - hey, you don't
think we'll have stereo headbutts? Well, Jarrett pulls him off the top
turnbuckle and Benoit hits hard. Jarrett goes outside (wait, did he just
win the match?) and goes back in with the gee-tar. But now LARRY ZBYSZKO &
PAUL ORNDORFF are out. Zbyszko wrests the guitar from him, now it's time
to go old school with the punches, chops, elbows, Jarrett acting the
pinball. Snuka is up to the top of the cage - Benoit on the opposite
corner - SUPERFLY SPLASH! SWANDIVE HEADBUTT! Snuka covers - 1, 2, 3.
(3:20)
Bret Hart - is - WALKING!
Kevin Nash - is - WALKING!
Steiner seems tired - but he's got two girls left - or is he gonna do 'em
again? I dunno. I'm sure it'll all come together at the end of the show...
Souled Out promo - it's Sunday Sunday Sunday!
KEVIN NASH v. BRET CLARKE for the World Heavyweight Championship - we look
in the back to see Zybszko and Orndorff cuffing Steiner to the lockers -
he's just too tired to fight back, I guess. Funk walks up and stuffs a bar
of soap in his mouth. Those ring rats are SCARY! Did you read Bret Hart's
column over the weekend? He sure loves his life at the moment. It almost
makes you wonder if karma's...no, better not say it. Both men walk around
- Nash with the knee and the elbow in the back. Elbow. Knee in the gut.
Repeat. There's another knee. Standing on the neck. We will call this
pace "deliberate," yeah. Hart finally strikes back, kicking the left knee,
punching in bunches, and Nash slumps in the corner. Rake of the face by
Hart. Headbutt - hurts Hart as well. Hart runs the face along the top
rope. Nash comes back with clubbing forearams to the back. Elbow to the
back of the head. Nash stands on the neck and uses the ropes to do a
little more damage. Do you think the folks in the arena are feeling like
they're getting their money's worth? Nash puts a forearm across the chest
and Hart goes outside. Nash follows. Punch to the back. Hart rolled in,
Nash back in over the top rope, natch. Hart going back to the knee, now
putting the leg across the rope and sitting on the knee. Elbowdrop on the
knee. Another elbowdrop. I sure could go for a cream soda right now.
Hart pulls the leg back. Another buttdrop on the leg across the bottom
rope. In the corner, Hart tries wrapping the leg around the second ropes -
Nash is screaming - referee "Blind" Charles Robinson counts to five but
Hart doesn't break. Hart finally lets go. Kick to the knee. Nash pulls
Hart into the corner. Elbow. In another corner, another elbow. Hart put
on the second rope, Nash straddles him. Nash limping. Hart going back to
the knee with kicks, there's the side Russian legsweep. Head to the lower
abdomen between the legs - and another. Hart picking Nash up by the hair,
but Nash hits the low bridge and Hart crumples. Nash runs Hart's
head into the buckle. Scoop - snake eyes. Nash covers - 1, kickout at 2.
Hart's trick knee acts up - returning the favour, I think. Hart drops the
elbow twice. Second rope elbowdrop - MISSES! Nash covers - 1, 2, kickout.
Right, right, right, Hart goes down. Cover - 2. Nash limps over, Hart
kicks, right, right, right, timber. Hart yanks the leg backwards again.
Nash can barely stand. Whip is reveresed, Nash with a sidewalk slam. Nash
rolls out - he's got a chair. Is this a "no DQ" match? ARN ANDERSON is
out - and there's a STEEL pipe to the back. And there's another. Sure,
might as well wreck the one good match we've had all night. Anderson says
"I told you I owed you." SID VISCOUS is out. Hart runs at Sid, who puts
the boot up. Ver-r-r-y slowly, the boot meets the chair meets Hart's head
and he goes down. Anderson asks for the cage to be lowered. Whip into the
ropes, caught in a choke - chokeslam by Vicious. The cage is down.
Millennium bomb! Anderson counts 1, 2, 3. Wait a minute - does he win the
title? Apparently not. What was it ol' what's-his-name said about logic?
(10:54) TERRY FUNK is out with a flaming branding iron. He comes across
Nash lying on the outside - and brands him. Quick, cut to black! Children
might be watching!
I can't adequately put into words how unsatisfying this show is. That's
how Nitro has gotten for me. Who on earth are they playing to with this
show? Did it do ONE DAMN THING to get you interested in Sunday's card?
Would you consider tonight's use of Benoit proof that he's no longer being
wasted or kept down? How about Booker T.? What happened to all the
Cruiserweights and luchadors? Anybody seen Kaz Hayashi? Where is the
telelvision belt, and why isn't it around the waist of Steve Regal? What
will they do NEXT week to make things worse, 'cause you KNOW they are
intent on finding new and improved ways to make things worse, more
unwatchable, more uninteresting to fewer and fewer people....oops, I was
trying to keep that in check. Well, I'm sure MADDEN liked it. And, hell!
At least the locker room morale is way up. That's what I read on WCW.com
anyway - THEY wouldn't lie.
See you next week.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net