by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
I was supposed to say something about emzee.com here, but YOU can't tell ME
what to do! Yeah! Ha! Wheeeee.....woo.
QUICK QUOTES: AOL 62 (- 1 1/4), TWX 87 5/8 (+ 5 5/8), SPLN 40 3/4 (- 3)
Three bells "in memory of Bobby Duncum, Jr." Holy crap! I hadn't
heard about this at all! I blame WrestleLine
Four TV-14-DLS black limos arrive - Kevin Nash is in the first, Jarrett in
one, Steiner in one, the closed captioned symbol in the corner, the Harris
Brothers waiting in the building...and the fourth...yep, it's Scott Hall.
Everyone is surrounded by breasts. Hall reminds us why he was suspended by
immediately crying out "Remember when it used to be fun around here?" even
though it's meant as a joke.
Opening bumper is Nitro Grrrrrrrrl-free
WE ARE LIVE from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA 24.1.0 and we're
starting straightaway with the foreboding WCW CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE
TOURNAMENT graphic...
KAZ HAYASHIRYU (no entrance) v. PSYCHOSIS (with the Juice, no music) - "The
Juice has come back to Las Vegas! It doesn't matter where we are because
the Juice is in the house and the house is with the Juice! And tonight the
millions of millions of Juice's - they will be chanting the Champion's name
- Juvi, Juvi, Juvi, Juvi - if joo smellllalala what the Juice - is -
cooking!" It would be wrong of me to point out the "WCW SUCKS" sign in the
crowd but I'm feeling frisky this week. "I HATE WRESTLING" sign - that
guy's in the fright place. "I LOVE CAMEL TOES" What's a camel toe?
"BRING BACK OWEN" - well, that's just tasteless. I'm not recognising ANY
more of your signs tonight! Hayashi with a tope with a twist. I wonder it
we'll see brackets for this tourney. "DIESEL SUCKS" - who's this Diesel
guy? Hayashi jumps off the top rope and lands in an atomic drop. Full
flip off the clothesline. Don't know if these two are having trouble
communicating or what, but not much is happening here. Psychosis
dropkicking the knees, and taunting the crowd. Psychosis slides Hayashi
out of the ring so Guerrera can put the boots to him - there's a Juvi elbow
for good measure. Hayashi "helped" back in the ring, dropkick from
Psychosis, elbow dropped. Blatant choke - knife-edge chop (woooo!) - into
the ropes, Hayashi goes over the top to the floor. Whip into the barricade
by Psychosis after following him out - back in the ring and posing to the
crowd again. Psychosis on the top turnbuckle - but Hayashi hits a dropkick
just as he reaches the floor. Both men back into the ring at 7. Hayashi
takes Psychosis into the corner, places him on top, a few blows, going for
the superplex, Psychosis countering with a front superplex. Off the ropes,
Hayashi with a spinning heel kick, the next one misses, Hayashi catches an
attempt from Psychosis, Psychosis spins around into a bodyscissors and
rolls through - 1, 2, 3. (6:17) Not exactly a dream match, which is too
bad as I like both of these guys.
Your hosts are the AWESOME 3 - welcome to WCW Monday Nitro! Here's some
graphics of what we got on tap - Vicious vs. Nash for the WCW Championship
- but first, Vicious takes on Jarrett in a Roadblock match (in which the
first guy to hit the reverse bellyflop from the apron into the ring will
win), the Mamalukes (the WHO??) defend the world tag team titles against
the White No Limit Soldiers, Booker T. takes on the Total Package, and
Kidman takes on Vampiro - quick prediction: Vampiro does the job. Tonight,
we WILL crown a new World Heavyweight Champion! By God, we WILL! We mean
it! We take a quick look at the entryway - nope, nothing there - back to
the commentators. Crowd tries a "weasel" chant, God bless 'em
Backstage, it's T&A - and they're WALKING!
Meanwhile, in the Commissioner's locker room, Nash tells Jarrett that he's
unable to compete tonight. Unfortunately, we fade to black before Nash can
finish this sentence: "Don't worry...I've got a plan."
WWF SmackDown! is coming to San Jose! Errr, I THINK they are. This ad
suddenly stopped and the national ad picked up right where they left off.
Wow, I NEVER get to see the free "Lamb of God" video offer!
HEY! The Sacramento Kings are featured in an "NBA on TNT" promo!
They've come a long way, baby! Kings/Hornets Tuesday at 5, baby!
Nash tells us that he's gonna book Funk with Bam Bam Bigelow in a hardcore
match - then he huddles up with the Harrises and Jarrett - because...once
again...he has a plan.
THE WALL v. KID ROMEO (no entrance) - On the plus side, a Nitro debut for
the deserving Power Plant standout with the Steve Blackman-esque glowstick
routine - on the minus side, this is nothing more than the return of the
jobber squash to Monday television. Tell you what, if Romeo ends up
surprising us, shocking the world, winning this match, I'll go back and
give you a complete play-by-play. Schiavone tells us that Nash just put a
$15,000 bounty on Terry Funk and Bigelow will be the first guy to get a
chance to collect. Well, see, THERE you go - the Nash remembers how the
Clique screwed Bigelow five years ago and it's time to mend fences now that
he's in power. Commentators decry Nash "booking matches on the fly" - this
is where you make your own joke. It's a real shame when a deserving
cruiserweight ends up as cannon fodder for a "massive" "monster." Romeo
gets some token offense in, but ends up caught - dropped - chokeslammed -
and pinned. (3:38)
GENE O. works tonight! He's backstage with Sid Vicious. Just for the tOA
faithful, I force myself to translate his (almost whispered) words to these
electrons: "Gene, how can they expect to stop me with a roadblock, for I
am like a monster truck out of control. See, I am here for one purpose.
To reach one mission. To become WCW World Champion. Kevin Nash, you are
the commissioner, but I am the man that can veto your power - possibly your
career - hee hee hee hee hee ha ha ha."
Arn asks Bigelow to band together with Funk to tell Nash to stick it -
Bigelow says for fifteen grand, he'd wrestle his mother. Anderson tells
Bigelow it's his funeral, and walks off...
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Judge Wapner's Cashco,
Meatball Hot Pockets, and Superdexadrine!
Closed captioning where available sponsored by America (ha!) Online!
In the locker room, Steiner says he wants to book a match tonight, and asks
the girls what they want to see. Hall delivers his lines as if to say
"hey! I'm reading these off a card, dammit! It's not real!" Al Green and
two other guys are summoned - Hall asks who wants the opportunity and
(whew!) Green volunteers first. Thank goodness, 'cause I couldn't
recognise the other two!
3 COUNT are in the ring and the green circles are ready to be put to good
use. Instead of hitting THEIR music, the music of Black Magic fires up,
and it looks like the performance is postponed...
SHANNON MOORE (with Shane Helms and Evan Karagias) v. NEW LOS ANGELES
DODGERS CATCHER SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY - Helms and Karagias work over
Smiley while Moore distracts Mickey J. with his move-busting ability. Wow,
the good ol' criss-cross! Back elbow from Smiley - tilt-a-whirl
backbreaker, and now it's time to do it in da butt and smack mah bitch up.
Off the ropes, Moore ducks, body scissors, Sunset flip attempt, Smiley
pulls him up into the wheelbarrow position, does him in the butt and smacks
him up, then drops him on his face in a reverse powerbomb. Whip into the
corner, Moore up and on the shoulder, Smiley puts him over and on the
apron, then hot shots him to the floor. Smiley follows him, then Karagias
and Helms are over to work on him - referee "Blind" Mickey J. somehow
manages to miss all this, walking right by to check on Moore instead.
Helms tries backdropped into Karagias, and almost missing, and almost
bouncing his head off the floor in the process. Moore back up - Smiley
tries to dump HIM, but he ends up boosted onto the apron - top-rope
moonsault to the floor! J. actually goes down for 1, then remembers this
isn't a hardcore match and tells them to get back in the ring, and so they
do. Stomp by Moore, scream by Smiley. Scoop - and a slam. Flourished
legdrop for 2. Smiley comes back with a clubbin' forearm, off the ropes,
Moore slides through, Smiley holds onto the rope, 'rana attempt countered -
chickenwing! Moore taps. (2:32) Karagias and Helms drag Moore in and
place him on his green circle, then ask for the music to be hit. Moore
ain't movin' but they keep trying. Smiley gets in the ring - and starts
get-ting jig-gee wit it. Then he clears the ring. Now play his music!
Steiner, Hall, and three women puff up Al Green - do I even have to tell
you that they're all WALKING!
Meanwhile, in the Fortress of Solitude, Nash asks which Harris will take on
Sid tonight in the Roadblock match. Don volunteers. Don's the bald one.
I stole that joke from Heenan. How sad am *I*?
WCW & Surge are the perfect match! Nobody on these cans has been
released...yet...
As Hall, Steiner, and the six women watch on the monitor, we sense bad
things ahead for the Reverend...
REV. AL GREEN (Let's Stay Together) v. TANK AB[S]BOTT in a "Loser must put
on a mask and appear weekly on WXO in a comedy role match" - whoops, the
results of this match were already given away on another show! How
embarrassing! (CO 1:12) On his way out, Abbott has some words with a fan
in the front row, who is apparently BIG AL, the guy who watched Abbott's
back at all those UFCs. Heenan says he's GOT to get up and interview him.
Huh? Wendy's sponsors the replays of that devastating right hand. In a
few angles, it doesn't even appear to land - that's a bad choice, I guess.
We cut back to the locker rom, where Hall, Steiner and females yuk it up.
BOBBY HEENAN asks Big Al to stand up and give us some grist for the mill.
"Let's just say Tank and I have a real long history. And I'll tell you
what - we've rode a lotta hard miles together, we've fought a lotta hard
miles together. But this just makes me sick to my stomach...you know I
know he thinks he's out here tearin' it up - he ain't nothin' but a
sellout." Heenan asks him to repeat it, and he doesn't. The Cat's music
starts - then stops. Heenan asks him to give us his name, despite Tenay
and Schiavone already calling him Big Al - I'm so confused. He doesn't
answer, at any rate. The Cat's music starts again...
And this time THREE-TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT *is* out, having
grown out - and coloured - his hair. He's also borrowed on of the Disco
Inferno's suits. "You know, I was sittin' at home, and I heard how all my
fans were lookin' forward to seein' me back in the ring - and you know I
couldn't wait to get back here, baby. But I'm gonna tell you another thing
- I'm here, and I'm gonna whoop EVERYBODY. And you know, I'm gonna tell
you something - sit down, fat boy. Sit down. If you could get your fat
ass over, come on up here - I'll start with you tonight, baby - but I'll
tell you another thing - I'm gon' whoop everybody in this place. I'm gonna
start in the locker room - I'm gonna start over here, then I'm gonna start
over there, and then I'm gonna finish right in the middle wichoo, fat boy.
But you know, I'm gonna show you people something. I'm gonna show you just
how great I am. I practiced on a few moves, and I'm gon' show you people
how they go - HIT MY MUSIC!" A little James Brown, a little robot. "I
shook up the world, baby! I shook up the world! I got to be the Greatest!
You people make me sick!" I've got to practice more restraint typing this
stuff out...
As Al Green is loaded in the ambulance, Steiner gives him five bucks. Then
he and Hall share another laugh.
Bam Bam Bigelow - IS - WALKING!
See the Superstars of WCW LIVE in action - "Tonight" in Johnson City
(tonight?!? Is this the Saturday Night tape?), next Monday for Nitro in
Wilkes-Barre, Tuesday in Binghamton for THUNDER!, and Wednesday in N.
Charleston!
Terry Funk is WALKING! Whoops, now he's being chaired by Bam Bam Bigelow -
guess it's starting back here...
TRIPPA B v. TERRY FUNK in a hardcore match - they brawl in the hall, they
brawl out to some stands, Bigelow ties a rope around Funk's neck and drags
him to the ring - ouch. Bigelow uses a chair for good measure. WHACK.
WHACK. Is Funk taking the name of the Lord in vain? And why isn't he
being muted? WHACK. How many of you hoped we'd not see Funk again after
losing at Souled Out? Finally at the ring. Into the STEEL steps. Right
cross. WHACK. Funk over the barricade into the first row. MIL MASCARAS
in the crowd! - well, maybe not,. Notice Big Al has taken a hike - his
segment's over, no need to watch the REST of this crap. In the ring as
Bigelow says "$15,000" a few times. WHACK. Snapmare, headbutt - Bigelow
working the shoulder here. Top-rope headbutt - MISSES! Funk up and
peppering him with rights. Clothesline takes him over the top rope to the
floor. Funk on the apron - ASAI MOONSAULT from the second rope! Funk's
throwing a chair into the ring and he's got another one on his way in.
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! Funk in command - but thinking about doing
his wobbly knee stuff. Headbutt from Funk and they're both woozy. Another
headbutt from Funk. Dick Murdoch style butt! One more - Tony and Bobby
laughing. Heenan just expressing how much fun it is to watch Funk in the
ring, but it'd be REAL easy to get a different impression - one which
diminishes Funk a little more every week he comes out here. Bigelow with a
bodyslam. He's going up top again - headbutt from the top hits this time.
Bigelow says one more. Now FIT FINLAY & BRIAN KNOBS are out - apparently
feeling some sort of hardcore kinship to Funk. Bigelow elbows a chair into
Finlay, another bodyslam for Funk - going for a THIRD top-rope headbutt -
Knobs puts the chair onto Funk before Bigelow lands on him. Funk placed on
top of Bigelow - referee "Blind" Mickey J. counts - 1, 2, 3. (6:34) Well
that gets a big ol' "WTF?" from me. Funk's got THE STICK! "Kevin Nash -
you're gonna have to kill me to get rid of me. I'm gonna be a thorn in
your side for the rest of my life - and I've got plans for you - on Thunder
- as I am going to have some reinforcements, Nash - for you and the NWO -
I'm bringin' it on - DEAD - MAN - WALKIN' - YEAH! You got that right!"
Funk keeps talking even though we've cut away to
The Harris Brothers are WALKING! Don actually says "Piece of cake" several
times as if he's aware of the camera's presence.
Sid Vicious, elsewhere, is WALKING!
THUNDER! ad features "Chris 'Champagne' Cannon" - is he related to Frank
Cannon?
There's an ad for Steve Borden's TNT World Premiere movie - if I DO watch
it, it'll be for Daisy Fuentes - but I probably won't
SID VISCOUS (with the TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. DON HARRIS (with Ron
Harris - not the director of ":20 Minute Workout," the other one) - the
graphic says "with Jeff Jarrett" but they ain't. I hope that doesn't give
away the ending! I guess it'd be more interesting than the ol' switcheroo
we've come to know and love with these two guys. Sid doesn't want to wait,
hitting an apron axehandle on ... one of 'em. "XPW" sign in the crowd -
always nice to see folks supporting their local indy. The devastating
water bottle! For a switch, Sid kicks AND punches. Back in the ring, into
the corner, clothesline, big boot, and we're outside again. Into the
barricade. Got him by the tie - and taking him to the opposite barricade -
and over! Sid rolls in the ring, where the OTHER Harris Brother pours it
on - Sid tries to no-sell, but there's a clothesline to take him outside,
where a tie choke grounds him for a bit. Both men back in the ring, choke
with the tie again. Kick to the fieldgoal, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, 1 count.
Rear chinlock - Sid reaching for the bottom rope - not quite there. That
is Don - he's calling to Ron. "Sid" chant fires up - and so does Sig.
Elbows out, backs up and Ron gives him a shot across the back. Here's a
crowd taunt. 1, 2, kickout. Back to the rear chinlock, because this match
can't go long enough! Don talking quite a bit here. Now Ron making some
noise on the outside. Sid begging for the crowd to make noise - it's
semi-successful - elbowing out - off the ropes - choke - chokelslam. Ahh,
THERE'S the ol' switcheroo. Referee "Blind" Mark Johnson fails to notice
that one's got a tie and one does not - not that it matters, Sid powerbombs
Ron and pins him 1, 2, 3. (5:19) I smell instant loophole for Nash...or
is that just too much thinking?
Promotional consideration paid for by Meatballs & Mozzarella Lean Pockets
from Hot Pockets, the city of Las Vegas, Frank's Red Hot, Plus+White
toothpaste
"WCW Mayhem: the Music" CD spot - now selling at a brisk pace of about 23
units a week
(billy) KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda) v. VAMPIRO (canadiense) - SuperBrawl X
is at the Cow Palace 20 February - remind me to start harrassing Kevin
about getting me some credentials - and maybe for Nitro at Arco on the 21st
as well...Tenay notes how remarkable it is that the careers of both of
these men have "really taken off, especially in the past couple of weeks."
Hmmm. Vampiro with a showboat roundhouse, just to make him think a bit.
Vampiro start the real offense with a gutshot and a nice snap suplex to
start. Right, off the ropes, duck, Kidman with a headscissors. Gutshot,
into the opposite corner, boot up from Vampiro, in the midsection -
powerbomb throw - God help us, DAVID ARQUETTE & COURTNEY COX-ARQUETTE are
in the crowd. David's been in the coke, apparently - big nose wipe there.
All the matches you could break from to show us those yutzes and you pick
this one. Yep. That other guy looks familiar, too...oh well. Backdrop
suplex by Vampiro for 2. Unfamiliar rollup into a legbar, but Kidman's got
the bottom rope. Vampiro stomping away. Into the opposite corner, boot up
from Kidman, dropkick from the second rope. Right hand, kick, whip is
reveresed, duck, kick ducked, Vampiro with a sidewalk slam for 2. Vampiro
to the top - but the legdrop misses. Both men slow to get up - Kidman
ducks a spinning heel kick and clotheslines Vampiro to the outside - now
he's gonna fly - top-rope plancha! Kidman up first, but slowly -
into the ring we go, stomp, head to the buckle, kick, whip is reversed,
Vamprio dumped over the top - Kidman going to try a clothesline to the
apron, and it works - stun gun, dropkick, pescado, but Vampiro catches him
and puts him on his shoulder - javelin to the rinpost is shrugged off and
it's Vampiro hitting the STEEL instead. Back in the ring - Vampiro catches
him trying to come in over the top rope - another powerslam - another 2.
Vampiro making the high sign and trying to stoke the crowd - Kidman up and
over, short powerbomb - 1, 2, no! Snap suplex blocked into an armbar,
quickly into a DDT. 1, 2, no! I wonder if they'd book a time-limit draw -
whoops, spoke too soon - YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN! That's been doing it
as of late - defying all logic - Vampiro KICKS OUT! Out of the corner,
looks like Kidman wanted the bulldog but didn't get it - Kidman off the
ropes again - uranage by Vampiro - 1, 2, no. Vampiro to the second rope -
but meeting a dropkick on his way down. VAMPIRO POWERBOMBS KIDMAN!!!!!!!
(but only gets 2) Setting him up for a superbomb, looks like - Kidman with
a Frankensteiner as a counter. 1, 2, 3. (7:05) We'll call that the match
of the night before everything's said and done, I reckon.
Backstage with T&A - Funk putting ice on his nose, Anderson on the phone...
"What are you doing? Where you at? Well, put your pants back on, willya?
Listen, I got a proposition for ya - this time around, I say some other
guys eat some of that desert dust. Can you be in Vegas for Thunder? Aha,
I knew I could count on you, Champ. Yeah, you'll be there? All right man,
I'm here with Funk, I'll let him know. See you then, yeah, thanks Champ.
(to Funk) Done deal." Funk: "We'll show those son of a bitches!"
Meanwhile, the women massage Nash, who insists that things are all going
according to schedule - "all part of the plan." Who does he sound like
there? "You say those last two months sucked? Hey - all part of the plan!"
Goldberg hawks T-shirts
Gene O. attempts to interview Vampiro, but his mic appears to be
non-functional. Maybe we'll get that later.
TOTAL PACKAGE (with Liz) v. BOOKA T. - commentators all but say it's Flair
- guaranteeing it probably WON'T be Flair. Remember the last time they
promised Ric Flair on a THUNDER? We didn't see him for four and a half
months! "The Package has the Stick! No, Elizabeth has it." Rather weak
"we want Sting" chant from the fans. Elizabeth introduces "the finest
physical specimen in sports entertainment...the Total Package." Listen, I
LOVE you guys, but you get no Luger transcript from me. He grows stronger
in Sting's weakness, and something about his cowardly butt or something.
Package tells us that no one can deter the path of the Total Package to
claim his greatness - oh, and that includes the Immortal Hulk Hogan. The
commentators suddenly leap all over Hogan's name and say it about a MILLION
times - except Heenan. Package with the upperhand as T. climbs through the
ropes. Off the ropes, duck, flying jalapeno from T. Right hand, right
hand, right, off the ropes, back elbow to take him outside. Axehandle off
the apron as T. joins him on the outside. To the barricade we go, back in
the ring, slapping hands with the fans, but that was just enough
time for Package to recover, attacking on the way back in. Into the other
corner, up and over, caught him with a uranage for...2. Package surprises
him and puts him through the ropes. Double sledge off the apron - doesn't
work, as T. hits a gutshot. Package comes back, taking T. over the
barricade into the first row. To the face. Snapmared back over to the
floor. Stomping away. Has he done a wrestling move yet? Here's one - a
big suplex from the apron back into the ring. Big elbowdrop, another one,
and another. Hooking the leg, 1, 2, nope. Look, if *I* lived in West
Covina, I sure wouldn't brag about it. Luger with a succession of big
right hands. Choke on the rope. Off the ropes, T kicks back, off the
ropes with the axe kick, Harlem side kick, Liz on the apron to distract the
ref and prevent the count. MYDNYTE is out (well, why wasn't she out
earlier?) and Liz backs off. Now STEVIE RAY ties up referee "Blind" Mark
Johnson while BIG T gets in the ring and wallops T. with the blackjack.
Package over for the big Torture Rack - lifting the dead weight - Johnson
calls for the bell. (4:43) Package wonders where Liz is, decides he
doesn't care, and starts to celebrate...but the lights go out - some
familiar music starts up - a FIGURE appears at the entryway and points a
baseball bat at Package - then the lights go out and the music stops -
then, when they come back up, HE'S GONE! Of course, he could have just run
away in the darkness...naah, he DEMATERIALISED! YEAH!
"Jimmy Barron is a Cheap Bastard" report - thanks to 1-800-CAL-LATT
SuperBrawl 2000 is brought to you by SNICKERS! And it's Sunday, 20 February.
Gene O. apologises for the technical problems, and then says "if I didn't
know better, I'd say the WWF might have sabotaged my microphone." What the
HELL? Vampiro says he's very humbled, that he respects Kidman and he'd
like a rematch at Thunder. Hmmm, would you trust a guy who looks like
THAT? Kidman probably will...
DAVID FLAIR & CROWBAR & DAFFNEY come out, scare away all the commentators,
and take the headsets. Clearly I'm being punished for something.
HARDCORE SOLDIERS FIT FINLAY & BRIAN KNOBS v. MAMALUKES (isn't that a
Howard Jones cut?) BIG VITO & JOHNNY "THE BULL" (with Disco Inferno) for
the tag team championship - You know, Devon Storm has a future as a
commentator. Rather than watch this match, let's take a gander at
STANDARDS & PRACTICES & MISS HANCOCK - Hancock is left alone as the gents
walk to the back. Every few seconds Flair interrupts with "Do you like my
crowbar?" Flair dances on the commentary table - Hancock supresses
smiles as she takes notes. Screw what's going on in the ring! Daffney and
Flair take off (thank God) and follow Hancock up the aisle - of course, we
watch them instead of the fine forward roll slam of Johnny from Finlay.
Tag to Knobs - Daffney is screaming somewhere - top rope splash - Vito in
with the belt - to the back - Disco done tying up referee "Blind" Billy
Silverman - 1, 2, kickout! Finlay has Inferno, Vito tries to hit Finlay
but ends up taking out his own man instead, of course, rollup, 1, 2, no.
Apparently Vito and Knobs are having fun just out of the shot. Big back
bodydrop by Finlay inside the ring. Knobs has a chair and he's calling to
Finlay - Knobs tosses the chair, but it lands on Finlay's bad leg *huh?)
Vito hits his "Paisan Plant" DDT. 1, 2, 3. Oh, WHATEVER. (3:58)
Backstage, Nash and Jarrett - are - WALKING! I think they're talking about
David Arquette, too - a shudder just ran through me...
When we come back, our regular commentary team has apparently retaken their
places. BIG POOCHIE is out - "GIVE NASH BETTER CATERING" sign - ha! Nash
calls attention to a "HALL FEARS O'DOULS" sign, just for grins (I guess).
"Lord Master is right. As commissioner, I have certain powers bestowed
upon me. Those powers are stipulations in matches, and actual matches
themselves." "Goldberg" chant. "You can chant his name all you want - he
doesn't work here any longer. Tonight's match - Sid Vicious will
face...the Commissioner (Big Sexy Kevin Nash) and I wanted to make this as
fair as possible - since Sid uses the powerbomb, and I use the powerbomb,
and it's so gosh-darn dangerous, I have decided this evening to OUTLAW the
powerbomb. That being said, if Sid Vicious uses the powerbomb tonight, he
will automatically forfeit the match - and the winner will be...yours
truly, the Commissioner (Big Sexy Kevin Nash). You know it's really nice
they let all you unemployed people in here tonight. Now if you're
wondering where the rest of the NWO is at, we've kinda had some 'special'
guests in the back for most of the night, and we have deci-thank you, I
know I'm number one, sir, thank you - we've went ahead and since I am
commissioner which is kinda like a president, we have sent an advance team
onto Las Vegas as I speak, with the girls and ice cold beverages, to meet
me, the Commissioner (Big Sexy Kevin Nash) for a one - for one...humdinger
of a championship party to follow tonight's activities. So without further
ado, please hit the commissioner's music."
Sid Vicious - is - WALKING! "ONE MISSION - ONE MAN - ONE CHAMPION!"
BIG POOCHIE v. SID VISCOUS for the World Heavyweight Championship - Nash
apparently staying in the ring through the ad break...I hope, anyway.
It's already two to the hour. There's NOBODY in the upper deck tonight -
I wonder what the final numbers were on this - looks downright DISMAL.
Tenay has the audacity to float some names for who it could have been on
the phone - Heenan joins in - Piper, Flair, Dory Funk Jr., Jack Brisco.
Lockup, Sid attempts a bodyslam - and hits it - legdrop - 2. Clothesline
takes Nash out of the ring. Sid begs for cheers. Nash back up and back
in before the count of 7. Nash wants the test of strength -
SUUUUURE he does. Sid consults the crowd - the reaches - and they
actually lock up! Nash with the knuckle lock - to the corner - knee, knee,
knee, into the opposite corner, clothesline. Man, you know what would be
GREAT now? Into the opposite corner, reveresed, follow lariat by Sid.
Kick, right, right, right, right, Nash goes outside, Vicious follows -
double sledge, kick, eyepoke from Nash. Over the barricade and Nash
follows. Right, phantom right, back over the barricade, right, Sid rolled
back in - Nash in over the top rope (as always), elbow to the head, right,
somebody called a spot, off the ropes, sleeper by Nash. He's going
out...but the crowd chants "Sid..." and Sid raises his arms to try to feed
that frenzy. But the arms are down now. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson
checking in. Arm falls once. Arm falls twice. Arm falls thrice - but
the other one comes up just in the nick of time. Sid backs Nash into the
corner, unfortunately squashing Robinson as well. Right, right, running
clothesline, big boot, cover - no ref. Sid drops the leg - still no ref.
Sid motioning for the chokeslam. Hoganesque ear cup. Everybody stands,
awaiting the run-in - here's JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET with silver
gee-tar. Sid with a right, then breaks the guitar over Nash's head. Sid
goes down as Robinson gets up - Robinson looks at the shattered guitar in
the ring and sees two men down, and doesn't know WHO did WHAT with WHAT to
WHOM. SID IS THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE. Sid fake-crawls over to Nash and
covers - 1, 2, 3!!!! DAVID ARQUETTE WAS UNINVOLVED!!! Sid points to his
head. If Jim Gramze is reading, THAT'S the picture I want - Sid pointing
to his head. As for the rest of you... Ladies and gentlemen, judging by
the confetti falling from the sky, I'd have to say we have a new World
Heavyweight Champion. (6:20)
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net