by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
BLATANT PLUG: I know I rarely hype up an occurence at WrestleLine, but if
you haven't yet checked out Ben Miller's interview with Sonny Onoo and
Cary Ichter (http://www.wrestleline.com/columns/miller/may00/miller51500.htm),
you might want to get over there. Good stuff.
LINK OF THE WEEK: If you haven't already fallen upon your knees in
worship of the Torch website, you gotta read their latest Archive
of the Week - check out the mean, nasty things that Mark Madden used
to say about WCW, back when he could claim to be objective - and compare
the WCW he bashed THEN to the numbers game WCW is playing NOW!
ONE YEAR AGO ON NITRO: Speaking of using people's words against them, it
just so happens that about a year ago this week, we were very fortunate to
hear from Eric Bischoff - and YOU were very fortunate that I took down
EVERY WORD. Compare Bischoff then...to now. As I originally reported it,
from the 17.5.99 Nitro report:
Here's a Special Chat with Eric Bischoff, whose hair is coming back in
nicely. I know better, but here's a transcript: "I meant exactly
what I said when I came out during Piper and Flair's match, and reversed
the decision, and when I looked at Roddy Piper and I said 'Look, I've
screwed a lotta things up, but I'm not gonna screw this up,' I meant
EXACTLY what I said. I mean, it's no secret, you know, I worked hard and
everybody worked in WCW worked hard for a long time to become the #1
Wrestling organization anywhere in the world - and we were #1 for a long
time - 88 straight weeks, we dominated this industry. And now, it's a
little more competitive than I'd like it to be. And maybe I got a little
complacent. Maybe I wasn't paying as close attention as I should've, yeah
maybe I got a little ... full of myself - there's no question about that.
But I think the important thing is that I learned from that, and I learned
from the mistakes that I've made. I've learned what it's going to take to
make this company #1. There's no doubt in my mind that we will be again,
because I believe that we have the best talent. I believe that we have
the most committed employees. I believe that this organisation deserves
to be #1 and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that we
reach #1 again."
"It's a little more competitive than I'd like it to be."
Let's hear some more comments from Eric Bischoff. WELL WHY THE HELL
NOT. Maybe he'll explain away the storyline plot holes...
"Interference? Well, you can call it interference if you want to call it
that. Ah, I simply did what I felt was right. During the Piper/Flair
match, I did what I felt was right. Roddy Piper deserved to win that
match - there was no doubt in my mind. And I did what I felt I had to do
- and as far as the World Heavyweight title match between Kevin Nash and
Diamond Dallas Page - anybody that saw that match, whether you were there
live, whether you saw it on pay-per-view, whether you've seen it on the
replay afterwards, it really doesn't matter. Anybody that saw that match
knows that Kevin Nash clearly had Diamond Dallas Page beat before Randy
Savage interfered. Now I did what I felt was right. Was it official? Was
I operating in an official capacity? I don't think at that point I gave
that much consideration. Quite frankly, I did what I thought I needed to
do. And don't blame Nick Patrick. Clearly, Nick Patrick did what Nick
thought was the right thing to do. Whether Randy Savage is getting
involved in the match from the outside, or Eric Bischoff, or anybody else,
the referee has the option of making the decision, and in this case, the
decision is final. Kevin Nash is, and deserves to be, the WCW World
Heavyweight Champion. There is no mistake about that in my mind, and there
should be no mistake about that in anybody's mind, and just as I said that
night, if Ted Turner's got a problem with it, if Harvey Schiller's got a
problem with it, it reall doesn't matter. If the board of directors at
Time/Warner has a problem with it, it really doesn't matter, because the
referee's decision is final, and that's all that matters."
Well, that DOES explain Flair's nonreversal of the title bout. Okay,
give 'em a point there. Geez, more Bischoff??
"Heh, well a lot of things are going to change. Umm, I've had a lot of
time to look at the way I've conducted myself, the way I've conducted my
business, the way I've treated people - umm, some of the decisions that
I've made along the way - and, you know, I'm gonna be honest with myself,
I've made a lot of good decisions and I've made some bad decisions. I
think the key with any person, whether it's professionally or personally
is to be able to be honest with yourself, to look - look at yourself in
the mirror and realise that you've made mistakes. Ah, and then DO
something about it. Do I expect that people are going to - to welcome me
back into WCW with open arms? Absolutely not - I'm sure that I've made
some enemies that will be lifelong enemies and that's unfortunate, and for
that I - I really do feel bad but there's not a lot I can do about that -
other than to change the way I conduct myself and to try to rebuild this
company into what I think it CAN be, umm - I'm gonna do everything in my
power to achieve that. I'm gonna do everything in my power to not only
build this company to be #1 again, but if I don't get the opportunity to
be "the president" of WCW, then I'm going to do everything I can to
contribute in whatever way that I can, because I love this company - I
love the opportunity that it's provided for me personally - I think
everybody that knows me and that knows my history knows that I got a
tremendous break back in 1993 when a guy by the name of Bill Shaw, ah,
gave me the opportunity to really, ah, lead WCW to where I thought it
could be and should be - umm, I got a tremendous break, and I owe a lot to
Bill Shaw, and I owe a lot to this company, and I owe a lot to the
employees - the guys behind the camera, the people in the offices, the
people that really are working ten, 12, 14, 15 hours a day - THOSE are the
people that I owe a lot to - and I'm gonna do everything I can, like I
say, to contribute. And those that give me the opportunity to take
another run at this thing, I'm grateful - those that can't find it in
their hearts to hearts to forgive me, I understand."
Let's see - you're Eric Bischoff. Your company is getting it's ass
handed to them by the other company - losing by as many as four ratings
points. Things appear to be getting even worse. Morale is low amongst the
locker room employees. How do you work to solve the problem? What's the
first step you take?
That's right! You cut a series of promos in an attempt to rehabilitate
Hey, you know what the WEIRD thing is? He actually RE-USED a LOT of those
lines during his last press junket! ...had a lot of time to look at
the way I've conducted myself, the way I've conducted my business, the way
I've treated people... - I mean, that's almost WORD FOR WORD there,
spun out and recycled prior to the 10 April "rebirth!"
The complete One Year Ago report is available somewhere else - if you
don't know, you better ask someone!
EPIC: Ready to Rumble made about $20K more than last weekend, but still
dropped two spots to #37 for the week ($116,971 - $12,270,132 total)
It's still playing on 379 screens - you do the match and figure out the
average - oy
I GET LETTERS: From Ryan Paul: You know, I was thinking about David
Flair's promo on thunder... He asked where his father was on prom night.
I was just thinking, who wants their dad around on prom night?! I know
that *I* was trying to get some action, and my dad would have just been a
handicap. But, of course, David Flair has never seen a naked woman, so
maybe he doesn't understand that the point of prom is to get laid. So, I
guess when Torri Wilson seduced him last year, she did so fully
QUICK QUOTES: AOL 58 7/16 (+ 3 1/4), TWX 86 1/16 (+ 4 1/8), SPLN 15 13/16
(- 1 1/8)
WCW logo - there it is
We open with some black and white clips of Vampiro rescuing Sting - and
Sting rescuing Vampiro - I guess, to confuse us - clips of Sting getting a
bloodbath - clips of the graveyard - clips of Vampiro up through the ring
apron - clips from Thunder
Opening graphic and TV-14-DL ratings box
And PYRO! WE ARE LIVE from the Mississippi Coast Colesium in Biloxi, MS
15.5.2K - it's closed captioned - it's about two hours long - it's TNT -
it's WCW MONDAY NITRO!
JOBBIN' VAMPIRO v. (THIS IS) STING in the House of Pain - Vampiro sez he
wants all the little Stingers to see Sting's last match, so they're having
it as the opening match - before their bedtime? As Sting walks the
aisle...Vampiro locks himself in - and Sting out. Sting climbs on top of
the cage, calls to the crowd and starts taking his bat to the roof. A
panel of cyclone fencing swings away, and Sting drops the bat through, then
swings through, kicking Vampiro on his way down. Right hand. Kick, into
the corner, Stinger splash! Vampiro punches back, gutshot, off the ropes,
face jam by Sting, call to the crowd. Vampiro kicks back, right, right,
head run into the cage, crowd booing - backdrop suplex. Spin kick by
Vampiro. Chop, right, kick, right, right, headbutt, right, chop, Vampiro
milks the crowd for boos - at least I HOPE that's what he's doing. Kick.
Crowd chanting "Sting." Right hand by Vampiro. In the corner, right,
right, right, right, into the opposite corner, clothesline follows, snap
suplex. Off the ropes, legdrop. Coming up - Russo and David Flair visit
"home." I can BARELY hear our commentators in this audio mix - not that
I'm complaining. Series of kicks from Vampiro. Kick to the back of the
leg, off the ropes with a kick to the knee. Knee to the graun. Right, off
the ropes, Sting kicks Vampiro, then comes off the ropes into a superkick.
Vampiro on the top rope - off the ropes, Sting powerbombs him! Time to
Hulk up - running clothesline, running clothesline, clothesline and Vampiro
flips - atomic drop - head into the cage, hard into the cage again - it's
all Sting now. Sting mashing Vampiro's face into the cage wall - going for
a shackle - right wrist locked in, left wrist locked in - the bell rings
(5:48) and I guess now it's fun time for Sting. Crossbody to the back -
another - Vampiro smooshes against the cage. Kick to the back - and
another. Sting gets out of the cage. Vampiro...smiles. Yeah, there can
be no other explanation - that boy LOVES to do the job. The cage is raised
- ouch, you're not raising him by his wrists, are you? The lights go
out...Sting...is looking for the cage control? Well, the lights come back
on - and Vampiro's gone! Where'd he go? Ohhhh...if only we'd been
watching the cage instead of watching Sting walk around
Outside, Bryan Clarke is getting out of his car and taking his luggage out
of the trunk - Shane Douglas sneaks up from behind and repeatedly slams the
trunk on Clark. He just got his ass Franchised, we are told...hey, there's
Goldberg's SCARY MONSTER TRUCK in the background!
Wow. See, you had me with the wrestling...then you kinda lost me with the
spooky supernatural shit. Still, maybe somebody's coming around on the
"wrestling" bit. Of course, there's an equal chance that the next eight
quarter hours will suck ass, so let's not jump the gun here.
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily -
Captain Rection addresses the Misfits in Action - I know you couldn't sleep
all week wondering what Hammer and Guerrero's new names were - well, Van
Hammer is now "Major Stash," and Chavo Guerrero Jnr is now "Lieutenant
Loco." For some reason they're all wearing "F.U.B.A.R." T-shirts - one
would think that that's got something to do with this angle, but not in the
way that they're thinking about. Rection says they have a new cadet
- "Major Guns" - a blonde with big breasts. Maybe it's my nostalgic
memory, but GLOW was funnier than this.
KRONYKK hits the ring. "Franchise! This is just like your punk ass to try
and take advantage of a situation. Just because my partner missed the 4:20
out of Atlanta - you thought you might take one of the members of Kronic
out. Well, it didn't work - as a matter of fact, I think you might have
pissed him off a little bit, so let me get right to the point, Franchise.
Either you come out here and face the music like a man, or we'll go back
there and tear this place apart, brick by brick, to find your punk ass."
Here's SHANE DOUGLAS. "Cut the damn music! You Biloxi pieces (of shit)
sit down when I talk, I'm talkin' to these boys! If you think for one
second that I'm coming down there to take back what rightfully belongs to
me (the WCW world tag team titles) with no backup, you got more muscle
between those ears than even I thought! If you're willing to put my belts
on the line, I'll be man enough to come down there and take 'em back - but
I ain't coming alone. I got backup You see, they can suspend Buff for
thirty days for disciplinary actions - that doesn't stop a Franchise. You
take a look at ringside, you'll see a few of the markers ... of who is
represented by those tables. My backup - the guy who's got my ass - he's
New Blood, I'm New Blood, and by God, New Blood sticks together, now hit my
partner's music! Hmm, when you say tables do you think Mike
KRONYKK v. SHANE DOUGLAS & THE WALL - Pier Four brawl to start - Kronic
gaining the upper hand. Clarke ready to go for the Meltdown on Douglas,
but Wall breaks it up - Adams DOES get his full nelson slam on Wall, while
Douglas apparently runs away. Wall manages a chokeslam on Adams but Clarke
is back in the ring - Wall falls outside to the floor - hey, you think
they'll put him through a table? Clarke all over Wall - Side headlock -
Wall puts Clarke through the table instead with a belly-to-back suplex.
Adams finally comes over to help and punches away on Wall. To another
table...Adams tries for a powerbomb (I guess), but Wall turns it into a
backdrop...that doesn't break the table. Crowd boos. Wall puts Adams on
the table - and splashes it from the apron. Well THAT'LL break it. Clarke
is back up - Adams is back up - I guess tables don't hurt much when you're
Kronic. Back in the ring, double shoulderblock, Wall thrown out through
the ropes. Well, here we go - HIGH TIMES *through the commentary table.*
Wall rolled back in the ring - Adams covers - 1, 2, 3 (3:32) Kronic are
announced as "winners - and still world tag team champions," so there's
your answer. Referee "Blind" Mickie Jay calls for the EMT's, who serve as
sacrifical lambs as Wall pops up and takes them all out, chokeslamming one
through a table for good measure. And we DARED to think this push might be
In the office, Disco Inferno tells Eric Bischoff that he doesn't want to
hang with the Mamaluke anymore - he's being wasted. Bischoff tells him to
go do whatever the hell he wants to do, just leave him alone. Apparently,
Bischoff and Kim are looking for a new bachelor pad for DDP - I think. As
Inferno leaves, Cat brings in Terry Funk, who tells him not to ever touch
him again lest he find his teeth knocked out. Bischoff tells Funk he'd
like to start with a clean slate - just hand the belt over and retire with
dignity. Funk starts to tell Bischoff about how they hate each other, and
Cat lets loose with a kick - as he works over Funk, Bischoff is back
talking to Kim like nothing's going on next to him...and who knows...maybe
it isn't! Maybe it's ALL A BAD DREAM!
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim (no Savage), Boston Market
TV dinners, Judge Wapner's cash scam and Super Soaker - wetter is better!
Close captioning where available sponsored by Meineke! It's not Yourneke,
Norman Smiley and Ralphus ponder their fiscal situation - they need to get
jobs. Hey, how'd they get to Biloxi anyway? As they walk off - Smiley
with an idea - we take another loving look at the Goldberg SCARY MONSTER
THE FILTHY ANIMALS v. TERRY FUNK for the hardcore title - The Animals are
now comprised of Konnan, Rey Mysterio and Juventud Guerrera. They have new
music, a new entrance, and they don't wrestle anymore. "Finally, de
Juice has come back to Biloxi!" Konnan promises to put Funk out of his
misery, orale. THE NEW GODFATHER OF SOUL brings Funk to the ring and
deposits him at the feet of the Animals. Bat, kendo stick, and chair are
wielded by the Animals. Juvi elbow on the chair on Funk - Konnan rolling
punch on the chair on Funk. Mysterio super double legdrop on the chair on
Funk. Chair placed on Funk's face - Guerrera on the top rope - but the
MISFITS IN ACTION are out to work over the Filthy Animals. Oh, FUBAR is
supposed to stand for something something Bischoff and Russo - now, why
didn't *I* think of that? Oh...because my mind is CONSTANTLY FILLED WITH
THOUGHTS OF BISCHOFF AND RUSSO. Well, maybe next week. Now DISCO INFERNO
joins the fray on the side of the Animals. Now BOOKA T. is out, and
singlehandedly wiping out the Animals. Juvi is brought back in and
flapjacked. Funk is placed on top of him and referee "Blind" Billy
Silverman promptly counts a pin. (3:01) Lord. For an encore, MAJOR GUNS
comes out and strips to a bikini top, then provides mouth-to-mouth on Funk.
Hey, didn't we hear about Beyond the Mat and Funk's wife and...and...
Meanwhile, outside another limo arrives - Ric Flair walks off - WOW! THE
GOLDBERG SCARY MONSTER TRUCK!!!!
Norman Smiley and Ralphus ask for a chance selling popcorn - the popcorn
sellin' guy gives them one chance and one chance only. We can only assume
that MIRTH and HILARITY will soon ensue! Hey, Ralphus - say no to crack!
HO HO HO HO HO HO HO it's even funnier after a few times!
Meanwhile, Ric Flair storms Bischoff's office looking for Russo. Bischoff
says he doesn't know where Russo is. Flair goes off to find him. Bischoff
sends Cat to give Russo a heads up - apparently, he's in his motor home
right around the corner.
Next Monday, Nitro starts at 7, where it's sure to be family friendly
"HARD KNOX" CHRIS CANDIDO (with Sunny Donna) v. ? - "Hold on a second! I
think it's quite obvious to everybody out there that we are the first
couple of sports entertaiment, aren't we? So tonight, since Tammy's
feeling kinda good, we're gonna put out the challenge - you know what, I'll
even put the Cruiserweight belt up the line - any other couple back there
wanna take up our challenge, come on out and get us!" Tammy removes her
coat. Whee. The challenge is accepted by ... DAFFNEY & CROWBAR. Well, of
COURSE. Crowbar and Candido waste no time trading punches - into the ropes
- up and down, back elbow by Crowbar, flying headscissors by Candido. Head
to the buckle, chop, MISS HANCOCK is out for no reason. Into the corner,
up and over, go behind, German suplex with a release by Crowbar. Over to
the ropes, Candido over and punching away - both men on top - superplex all
the way across the ring! Candido going back up top - swandive headbutt -
that'll be it - oops, Daffney pulls Candido off of him. Tammy is in now -
Candido has Daffney and they're standing there doing nothing, so let's
watch Crowbar and Tammy - suplex - no, she turns it into an inside cradle -
1, 2, no! Candido finally trying something on Daffney - scoop - she's down
- DDT on Candido - 1, 2, no. Tammy with a swinging neckbreaker on Crowbar
- I'm starting to think that this is a one-way street here. Crowbar rolls
out to the apron - Candido over - hot shot by Crowbar - slingshot crossbody
for 2. Crowbar puts Candido outside, follows, front slam on the mats.
Crowbar to the barricade - Vader bomb on the floor! Crowbar throws a chair
to Candido, who catches it and throws it back to Crowbar. Crowbar ducks a
clotheline and turns to the ring as if to say "Hey, Tammy, how about a
baseball slide dropkick to this chair?" so she does. Tammy with the
WEAKEST CHAIRSHOT IN THE WORLD. Candido puts Crowbar back in the ring -
double suplex - sorta. Tammy covers - Daffney pulls her off.
Daffney putting Tammy in the corner - broncobuster coming up - well,
finally a move on a woman, eh? Crowbar out on the aisle - Candido
following. Now, Hancock calls to Tony. Why? 'cause we might get bored
with WRESTLING. "I have a little surprise for you! I'm gonna give you a
little treat tonight and dance for you - right here, on Nitro. So please,
hit my music!" Crowbar starts banging his head - Candido from behind going
for a piledriver on the aisle - Crowbar flips out of the attempt and hits a
front suplex on the aisle instead. Hancock leaves - crowd boos. Inside the
ring, Tammy hits a Stone Cold Stunner, which apparently has no effect, as
Daffney rolls her up - 1, 2, 3. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new world
Cruiserweight champion - only...who is it? (5:19) Daffney puts the belt
around her waist instead of Crowbar's...not that it matters, as THE MAN
storms the ring, puts Crowbar's head in the corner, lefts and rights,
kicking, stomping, turning to Daffney, who heads out. Crowbar chopped out
of the ring. Flair's got the mic. "Woooo! Russo! Russo! Ruuusso! Get
out here now, brother! Come on! The game is over, Russo - we're gonna
settle it right now! Out here now, Russo! Come on! Come on, brother!
Bring your New York ass out here tonight! Come on!"
We look back in the truck where Russo is barking out instructions. When he
gives the cue, they play the tape. The director tells us to go to
commercial - and we do! Wow!
When we come back, Ric Flair is still in the ring. "Russo! Bring your New
York ass out here tonight! Come on! Apparently, nobody, including me, is
taken or mistaken for the (asshole) you are. Come on! Come on, New York,
Outside the arena, Sting walks to his car...only, it's on fire. Sting
looks pissed - now he'll NEVER make it back to his hotel room in time for
Back in the ring. "Woooo! Let's take it up a little higher - c'mon, Vince
Russo, come to the Nature Boy - woooo! COME - TO - ME - RUSSO - NOW!"
We cut to the tape Ric Flair doesn't want us to see. A white Corvette
pulls up to Flair's home. Russo proclaims himself Geraldo, and this is an
expose. Flair exits the driver seat and pulls Daffney out of the trunk.
We look at the house where the Flairs live - but not David. We look at a
limo - "that is the personal grocery go-getter for HER, Vince" - "her"
being Beth, David's stepmother. Vince promises to show us the REAL Ric
Flair. Inside the house, we see a picture of Beth, Ashley and Reid. We
hear about Reid, the kid called "champ" that he couldn't live up to.
Daffney plays "Chopsticks" on the piano. Now to the bedroom - "Space
Mountain" - Russo bounces around on the bed in the master bedroom. Out on
the balcony, David points to "their" swimming pool, and "his" creek. To
Flair's closet, where Russo rifles through Flair's wardrobe, which "cost
more than David's college education." Russo puts on one of Flair's robes.
Now to Reid's room - "no, it's 'Champ!'" David shows off Reid's trophies
and medals - Russo puts on a few of Reid's medals around his neck. Now we
go to David's room - a basement with a mat on the floor. "Can you believe
that I had to sleep in here for 21 years? How they treated me like crap -
like a troll under a bridge? Did you see Champ's room, did you see it?"
Russo says he's seen animals live better than this. Russo wraps up his
"expose," by asking us all to hug our children - then he gives David a big
hug. On their way out, Beth and the kids happen in on Russo, David and
Daffney - Reid tries to give Russo a shove, but this guy ain't goin' down
like Bischoff. Beth threatens to call the cops, but they're off.
And now DAVID FLAIR & DAFFNEY UNGER are out. "Everybody - everybody shut
up when I'm talkin'! Hey, *Ric* - my dad's busy in the back back there, so
whatever you want to say to him you can say to me. Got it?" "Come on down
here, I'll say it to ya. Come on down here, I'll say it to ya. Come on.
These are the biggest steps you'll ever take in your entire life, so make
'em good. You heard me." They meet in the ring. "I said those are the
biggest steps you'll ever take in your entire life." "Why is that?"
"Because tonight, you're gonna grow up. You know, I sat home last week,
Wednesday night and watched you call one of the greatest wrestlers of all
time, Arn Anderson, your uncle, Uncle Arnie. Was that funny to you?"
"Noitwasn'tfunnybutdoyouknowwhatit'sliketobemefortwentyoneyears? Oh Ric
Flair you're the greatest wrestler, ohyou'reRicFlair'sson
doyouknowhowthatfeels? Doyouknow? Do you know how that feels?" "You know
what's gonna happen? I'm gonna lay something down to you. You, funny
girl, listen up, 'cause you're involved in this too. I won an opportunity
to wrestle Jeff Jarrett at the Great American Bash for the most prestigious
trophy in our sport - you should know something about that, 'cause you've
been looking at it your whole life - the World Heavyweight Championship -
I'm claiming that favour tonight, Russo - if nothing else happens, I've got
Jarrett tonight for the world title! Do you know why I'm doing that?"
"Why are you doing that?" "I'm doing that so that YOU can walk out of this
building tonight, into that hotel, look in the mirror and see what an
(asshole you've made yourself), embarrassing your brother, your sister--"
"What did you say to me?!" "You heard what I said to you, if you don't
like it do something about it. Here's what's gonna happen. I told you in
the start of this business that they would manipulate you, they would not
get away, they would do anything to get you and I right here - real life -
they wanna talk about my divorce to your mother, they wanna talk about your
brother and sister - they want us to spill it - we're not doin' it. What
we are gonna do, becuase you think you're Mister Big Man now - you wanted -
I used to come home, you were six years old, you were wearing my boots
then. Here's the deal - the Great American Bash - pick out your favourite
pair of MY old boots, because YOU, David Fleihr, my eldest son, are gonna
wrestler Ric Flair, notcher dad." "Come Great American Bash, you better be
ready to wrestle your son - the one you left back in Minneapolis for so
many years." "You know how many guys - from Dusty Rhodes, Sting, Lex
Luger, Harley Race, you know how many guys have told me to get ready? I
LOVE gettin' ready! I just didn't want this moment to happen, but you keep
pushin' it, so it's gonna happen!" "Well I'm READY, Dad - I'm ready to
kick your ass at Great American Bash!" "Then don't wait - if you're ready,
don't talk about it - get up and do it! Remember this - nothin' in life -
nothing you ever do in your entire life will make you any higher, will give
you a bigger buzz, will take you closer to reality than wrestling Ric
Flair, not your dad, at the Great American Bash - and here's how big it is
for me - you've embarrassed me, you've embarrassed our family - here's how
big it is to me. If by the grace of God, I don't care how it happens, if I
lose to you, I will retire from this business for the rest of my life.
That's how big a moment it is to me. If I lose to you - you embarrassment
to our familly - if I lose to you, I will retire from wrestling forever -
that's it." JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, meanwhile, has snuck in and
there's a kabong for Flair. David: "Get up! Get up! Get up Ric Flair -
woooo!" and David punches away on Flair while Jarrett puts on a figure
four. "Get up! Get up! Get up! I'll see you at the Great American Bash
Backstage, Russo talks into his headset and to a monitor, telling them to
"fix that - you got it?" Turning to Elizabeth, Russo tells her it's tough
love time - he, she, Chuck Palumbo and R&B Security start WALKING...
Promotional consideration paid for by Boston Market TV dinners (again),
Motel 6 7/8, Corn Nuts, Bubble Yum, and Boston Market TV dinners (because,
for some reason, they ALWAYS get mentioned thrice)
Hey, Goldberg is eating Spree! I wonder if he's driving that truck!
WCW.com presents the Nitro pre-show - "Reload!" Featuring a REAL load - 1
Bob Ryder! And don't forget the post-show!
VIC VENOM (with the TV-14-DL ratings box), THE MAIN EVENT CHUCK PALUMBO,
LIZ, and R&B SECURITY walk down the aisle and into the House of Pain.
I GET LETTERS: Mike Javor offers: every time i see vince russo now i
think of soft pretzels. yum.
The "fix it" was apparently referring to the hole in the roof of the cage,
which is being worked on. "You see, Liz, I'm from New York, and there's
always a plan! For the last few weeks - look at me when I talk to you -
you've been humiliating me, you've been making a horse's ass out of me!
But tonight, you will learn all about tough love, Liz, because tonight you
will compete in the House of Pain! And you see, I'm not the only one
that's hot at you, Liz - I believe last week you hit a certain somebody
with a chair when she wasn't looking...so let me take the honour of
introducing to you, your opponent for the night, the lovely Madusa!"
LIZ v. MADUSA in the House of Pain - Let Us Take You Back One Week and
check out that chairshot. "Cut the music! Security is around the ring -
not yet, we're gonna milk this, Madusa - security is around the ring, the
Main Event is guarding the door - Event, lock that door! And bellkeeper,
ring that damn bell! Whaddaya say, Liz, how's it feel now, huh? We got
you paged like an animal now, don't we? Didn't you hit this woman with a
chair last Monday? How did that feel, huh? Look how scared you are now
and pathetic huh? You don't know what it is to deal with a New Yorker!
You're from Kentucky, remember? Come on - slap me now! Slap me now! He's
not gonna come and save you - do you understand that? He is NOT gonna come
and save you. Nobody can help you now. Week after week after week you've
been slapping me, you've been kicking me, and I'm sick and tired of it -
come on, Liz, come on!" Anyway, the maintenance man drops from the cage,
removes his mustache, cap and wig and it's THE NARCISSIST. Russo sends
Madusa after him - she gets some kicks and strikes in, but Russo ducks a
kick and puts her in the Rack. Russo Golotas him to turn the tide. "How
'bout it, Package - how 'bout it?" Luger goes into his pants and pulls out
- a protective cup. "All right, let's talk about this - open the door!
open the door! Liz kicks him in the nards, then takes the cup from the
Package and rubs it in his face (stinkyface! stinkyface! Oh, sorry.)
Luger motions for the Rack - but Palumbo FINALLY gets the door open - the
Security guys come in one at a time, so Luger goes through them - until the
mace hits. Hey, why didn't they just raise the cage? Anyway, Main Event
takes his "flexer" to Package repeatedly. Liz stands around and
watches. Palumbo chokes on Package with the flexer until the Theme from
Wolfpac pays and KEVIN NASH walks out...and into the cage. The Security
swarm, black ninja style, and Nash takes them out - one by one. Russo,
Palumbo and Liz manage to get out of the cage and back up the ramp.
Security takes off - Madusa tries to get away - Nash has her by the
hair...but before he can powerbomb her (remember, NO woman gets a power
move on 'em on this show), "THE CAREER KILLER" MIKE AWESOME comes out and
punks out Nash from behind, rescuing Madusa in the process. Russo, now
back to halfway up the aisle, holds his hands high above. Nash has THE
STICK. "Hey, listen up, Eddie Money! I'm talking to you, Awesome! You've
messed with me for the last time. You walked in this ring tonight on your
free will - well, guess what - you're gonna leave this building tonight on
a stretcher in an ambulance! I challenge you to an ambulance match -
tonight!" "Nash - you wanna challenge me, the Awesome One, to an ambulance
match? Well let me tell you seven foot freak! I'm gonna put you in that
ambulance and end your career!" "If I can steal one from my partner Scott
Hall, don't sing it - bring it!"
GENE O. works tonight! Scott Steiner tells Russo that he's not wrestling
tonight - he's gonna wait out in the alley for his brother and Tank
"because there's too many frickin' rules in wrestling!" Umm...WHAA??
Thunder ad features - Bischoff?
Smiley and Ralphus sell popcorn - or give it away - ehh
Goldberg and his arm are featured in WCW Magazine - won't you please subscribe?
Outside, Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott meet Scott Steiner - only to get
ambushed by the two hooches swinging 2x4's. Rick shrugs it off, I guess,
as he chases them away, grabs a board and breaks it over Scott's back.
Abbott and Steiner take turns working over Scott. I'm waiting for that
damn truck to put in an appearance. Ahh, there it is. It drives over
every car in the parking lot. "We could see Goldberg at any minute!"
Yeah, except...other than the next time there's a Spree commercial, it
ain't really happening.
Kevin Nash backs that ass up - I mean, ambulance
Local spot goes to UPN 44's airing of WWF SmackDown! Crafty local spot
"Two weeks ago, I implied that Bruno Sammartino was dead. He's not - I
apologise!" Wow, and so SINCERE!! I'm SURE that'll take care of it!
KEVIN NASH v. "THE CAREER KILLER" MIKE AWESOME in an ambulance match - Let
Us Take You Back to Kanyon - and Page - and a nickname was born. Knee from
Nash, elbow, Awesome punches back, in the corner, headbutts to the gut,
into the opposite corner, big boot up from Nash as he follows it up with a
charge. In the corner, knee, knee, elbow, elbow, Awesome kicks back,
right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, flying clothesline.
Awesome out on the apron - hot shot. Stomp. Awesome goes outside
and procures a chair. Nash manages a kick to the abdomen before he can
swing it - Nash swings the chair instead. Edge of the chair to the throat.
Awesome put out on the aisle. Right by Awesome, right, right, right,
right, right, Nash staggering backwards up the aisle, kick by Awesome,
right, stomp, Nash with repeated Golotas. Nash tries to take Awesome to
the scaffolding, but Awesome blocks it, elbows Nash, and runs HIM into the
scaffolding. Stomp. Awesome to the ambulance...looks like he's found a
table. Now setting it up - now it's falling - now he's re-setting it - now
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE runs in out of nowehere and hits the Diamond Cutter on
Awesome. Nash is over to collect him - Page pointing
ambulance-ward...looks like we'll get a powerbomb off the stage through the
table - Nash is gonna kill him - whew, Page is over just in the nick of
time to boost him - and help him fall into the table. Who's cel phone is
making all that annoying noise? Double crotch chop from Page and Nash.
Say...it might be a good idea to put him in that ambulance...well, referee
"Blind" Charles Robinson decides to ring the bell anyway (ref stop 5:22)
since Page and Nash have already walked away...
Backstage, Bischoff is watching on a monitor - saying to no one in
particular that if you want something done right....you've got to do it
Meanwhile, the Charger pulls up and Hulk Hogan - ARRIVES!
Hey, I forgot to mention earlier - Russo's voice sure cracks a lot, don't it?
(Okay, perhaps not as much as Lawler's)
Smiley and Ralphus talk abut how great a job they've been doing selling
popcorn - Ralphus scratches his ass, then loads up on popcorn with the same
hand. The popcorn guy notices this and fires them. Yuk yuk yuk!
The strains of "NWO Monday Nitro" bring CRACKA EAZY-E, KIMBRRLY and THE NEW
GODFATHER OF SOUL. Cat is referred to as "Eric Bischoff's shadow" -
probably because he's black. "Oh, I love you people - and I know that you
love me! Aww, come on - come on. You know, like I said a few moments ago,
there's a time when every man realises that when you want to get something
done, you have to do it yourself. Page, I don't get what you don't get. I
mean, first it was your soon-to-be ex-wife...then it was that Hollywood
thing you had goin' on - your good buddy David Arquette, I've taken it all
away from you, but you know what, I'm gettin' real bored with you, so Page,
bring it on down, 'cause tonight I wanna kick your teeth in all by myself,
but please do me a favour and bring some back up 'cause you're gonna need
it." After an awful long period of time checking out Bischoff shadow
boxing in the ring, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE walks out and asks the monkey to
kill his music. "Some backup? Now, Cat, I know in some circles most
people consider you a bad sumbitch. But, to me, you're a (pussy) - cat.
Yeah, you better back up, or you're gonna need to call your momma ...and
you...you don't need to call nobody, Jack - and he waylays Bischoff - then
Cat - back to Bischoff - back to Cat - going through the ropes as Bischoff
has already escaped to the outside - Cat over from behind, grabbing him -
page's trick knee acts up (we GUARANTEE a crotch shot per quarter hour) -
Diamond Cutter for Cat! Page outside and he's got Bischoff - have a seat,
Eric! Right hand. Cat back out, Page ducks and clotheslines him.
Bischoff sent into the barricade. Cat put in the ring - Page on top -
flying clothesline - Kimberly in the rin with a chair - weak WHACK to Page
- but it was enough to keep Page staggered long enough to eat a Feliner.
Bischoff back in and the doubleteam starts - but, hey, isn't that SID
VISCOUS' music? Sure enough, wearing a shirt that says "SID - E-NUFF SAID"
which looks homemade, Sid walks out and waits for a tag. A tag? This
isn't a match! I guess he's gonna turn on him. Tag - Sid in - picking up
Page - chokeslam. Wow, didn't see *that* coming, huh? Another pointless
turn, no build up, no logic (despite Russo's professed love of logic), no
continuity - in other words, SOP. YOU KNOW WHO makes the NEXT run-in -
block, right, right to Cat, right to Sid, double noggin knocker,
the ring is cleared and Hogan and Page stand in the ring. Shouldn't Hogan
be turning on Page now? This is WCW! Bischoff has a mic. "Hogan! Hogan!
Hogan! You wanna play? You wanna play in my house? You get rid of him.
I'M gonna let you play - MY way. You stay right here. You're a dead man!
You're a dead man!" Play Hogan's music again! We'll be right back to find
out what's up!
Backstage, Eric Bischoff, Billy Kidman, and Horace are WALKING!
"Horace...do NOT screw this up - I told you last week, I'm giving you a
shot - tonight is your shot - do not drop the ball. Forget what that uncle
of yours has been telling you - TRUST me."
Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where Horace lost a career match thanks to
several spontaneous stipulations.
As Kidman's music plays, out come BILLY KIDMAN, CRACKA EAZY-E and HORACE.
Bischoff talks...again.... "Hogan - it's real simple. I could kick your
ass but I'm not gonna. We already know Billy did - tonight - tonight, your
own nephew is gonna kick your ass all over this Godforsaken stinkin' state
- you know why? Because he's one of us!
YOU KNOW WHO v. HORACE v. BILLY KIDMAN in a three-way dance - Schiavone
tells us it's a three-way, at least. Hogan beals Kidman into the ring -
Horace is content to watch. Right, right, right, into the ropes,
clothesline. Bischoff takes fourth headset and that's all that needs to be
said about that. Face rake by Kidman to take command - elbow, kick, elbow,
right, elbow, into thr ropes - no, Hogan holds on - Hogan elbows awy and
tries it again - dropkick finds nothing as Hogan holds on. Hogan catapults
Kidman over the top rope to the aisle. Hogan removes his weight belt -
WHIP! WHIP! Choke with the belt! Right. Backdrop suplex - Kidman
begging to Horace to help - h'e watching. Cover - 1...Hogan PULLS UP!
Right for Kidman, into the ropes, right as he bounces off - outside the
ring, into the barricade. Scoop - and a javelin into the ringpost. Hogan
over to Bischoff, shuffling papers right into the crowd (some lucky fan
walks home with a format!) - Kidman finally manages to come back with a ...
Golota. In the ring, Kidman pounding away. Hogan doing the no-sell.
Block, right, Kidman with another Golota. Kidman trying to run away -
Horace grabbing him and throwing him at Hogan's feet. Hogan punching away
as Bischoff gets up on the apron and has some words for Horace -
open-handed slap! Horace responds with a right cross. Here comes the
FILTHY ANIMALS - Hogan has no problems, as they attack black ninja style.
Horace has a chair - whack, whack - chair given to Hogan as Horace has
another chair - whack, whack - the ring is cleared. Out saunters TORRIE
SAMUDA. Horace gets one look at Torrie - then takes the chair to Hogan.
Horace covers for the 1, 2, 3. (5:00) WHAT A SWERVE!
Jimmy Barron phones it in with 1-800-CAL-LATT - Nitro hits the GR next
Monday - hey, that's Grand Rapids, the home of I-96! I-96 - the GREATEST
CHR station in Michigan! (And if I got it wrong, O'Brien, I'm REALLY sorry
- I'll correct it next week)
Here's a replay - Horace decked Bischoff, made a funny face in Torrie
Wilson's direction, hit hogan in the back with a chair, which somehow
managed to keep him down for three.
Horace and Torrie are WALKING! Billy Kidman catches up, wanting to know
what the hell's going on - Bischoff catches up to HIM, telling him to let
them go - "it's no big deal...we'll talk about it..."
VIC VENOM & DAVID FLAIR & DAFFNEY UNGER are out - Russo still wearing
Flair's robe and Reid's medals. Daffney wearing the NWA title, the fake
NWA title, and I'm pretty sure the Cruiserweight title. They are
apparently here for guest commentary. Backstage, we see that Kevin
Nash is watching on a monitor...probably trying to figure out a way to turn
on Flair, Russo, Flair, Jarrett and Schiavone...all at the same time!
THE MAN v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET for the World Heavyweight
Championship - Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Today where Jarrett made
merry mit gee-tar to Flair's cranium. Flair runs down the aisle and jumps
Jarrett before he knows what hit him - kick, chop, right, chop, right,
chop, face rake, into the ring the hard way, Jarrett steps outside -
axehandle off the apron, chop, chop, into the barricade, chop, right,
clawing at the face, taking him to the Mark - removing his headset, chop,
right, it's all Flair. Into the barricade again - Jarrett manages a right,
Flair with a right - got the chair - chair to the back. Right. Chop.
Right, rolled back in the ring - woooo! - Jarrett crotches him on the
second rope as he tries to get back in. Daffney's got another statue of
liberty with her tonight... Jarrett, in the ring, stomping away. Hey,
those "New York" vignettes Thunder sure seem incongruous to this storyline
now, don't they? FLAIR FLIP! Jarrett goes outside and follows Flair.
Head to the barricade - whip into another barricade - chair to the gut.
Another chair to the gut. Another open shot with the chair. Chair to the
back of the knee - a second time. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson trying
to restore order - it ain't happening. Vertical suplex out on the floor by
Jarrett. Right hand. Fistdrop. Flair rolled back in and Jarrett follows.
Figure four coming up. Flair screaming in pain - Jarrett slapping him,
adding insult to injury - 1, 2, no! Flair trying to turn the hold -
Flair's shoulder's down again - 1, 2, no! Flair finally manages to grab
the ropes. Jarrett stomps, right, stomp, clubbing blow, right, right,
standing on the neck. Flair slumped down in the corner - trying to pull
himself up - Jarrett punches him back down again - right, right, right, in
the corner, on the second rope - Ten Punch Count Along stopped at four with
an atomic drop. Flair asks Robinson to check with the timekeeper, then
Golotas Jarrett. Hey Flair, you can do that in plain sight of the ref
these days, buddy, but God bless ya for doing it YOUR way, I guess. Chop,
chop, chop. Into the corner is reversed, FLAIR FLIP! Flair runs the
apron, ducks a clothesline, HITS a clothesline, scales the corner...but
gets poked in the eyes and bealed. THAT MOVE NEVER WORKS! Jarrett over -
into the ropes, head down - inside cradle - 1, 2, 3!!!!!!!!!!!! Ladies,
and gentlemen - fifteen times. (6:19) Russo's "Holy shit" gets muted.
Jarrett kabongs Robinson, then takes the neck of the guitar to Flair.
Russo and David hit the ring - Flair brandishing the statue of liberty -
and breaking it over his father. Russo takes the title belt away with
him...but before he can get back to the entryway, the music fires up and
KEVIN NASH comes out - got Russo in a choke - and taking back the belt.
Nash climbs over the top rope and pastes Jarrett with the belt - powerbomb
("through the ring"). Nash holds the title belt - Flair on his guard - but
Nash hands the belt to Flair...and raises his arm. Crotch chop for Jarrett.
We cut backstage, where Bischoff tells Shane Douglas that he and Vince will
need to be on a plane Wednesday at noon...so he'll run Thunder. Well, wait
a minute...isn't Thunder taped on Tuesday?
One last shot of Flair holding the belt high. And we're out.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman