by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
QUICK QUOTES: AOL 40.03 (+ 5.23 ... last year: 72 3/4), TWX 60.64 (+ 8.40
... last year: 90 1/16) Will none of these matter next week at this time?
Oh, and... hee hee SPLN 4 5/8 (- 11/16 ... last year: 44 3/4 - blame
WrestleLine) Will none of these matter next week at this time?
WCW logo - ohhhhhhhhhhh WCW
"Highlights" of Thunder - TV-14-DL - close captioned logo
Opening Credits - slightly re-tooled once again - hello, Page - hello, Sid
It's a brand new year but the same ol' NITRO! Sin is Sunday and it's time
to start da hype Monday-style - coming to you from the X-Cel Energy Center
in St. Paul, MN 8.1.1 via one hour of tape delay, and leave us not tarry...
THE CEO is out, accompanied by SECURITY (is that Robbie Rage? I thought he
was the mystery man!) & THE SIN: 6 DAYS AWAY LOGO. "Woooo! How 'bout
those Minne Sota Vikin's...wooo! Rest assured the state of Minnesota will
OWN New York next weekend. Woo! Also be assured that this is WCW - wooo!
- the greatest wrestling company in the world today. Wooo! We - are - six
days away from Sin Sunday, the biggest pay-per-view of the year. A couple
of very important things - woooo! - are on my mind tonight. First of all,
Mike Sanders - wooo - Commissioner Mike Sanders. Y'see, Mike, nobody likes
you, listen to the crowd. Nobody thinks that you should be the
commissioner, so here's the deal: I get so caught up with being the CEO,
sometimes I forget about the little things, and one of the little things is
this: how'd ya even get that job? I didn't give it to ya...you didn't win
an election...as far as I know, and from what I hear back there, you had
some outside interference to beat the Cat to become the commissioner. Well
here's the deal: at Sin, Commissioner Sanders, you will defend that job
against the Cat. To see REALLY if you are the commissioner." Sanders
reacts while watching a monitor backstage. "Secondly, Wednesday night at
Thunder, I gave Sid - wooo! - I gave Sid Vicious to move Jeff Jarrett out
of that slot - what happens? Scott Steiner gets dressed up like a mystery
man, runs down, interferes, so now I'm in a spot - I don't know whether to
put Sid in the match, I don't know whether to put Jeff Jarrett in the
match." The music says that JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET wants to voice his
opinion before Flair voices *his*. "Listen, Flair, the bottom line is
this. I've already received my slot in the three-way dance at Sin this
Sunday. Sid didn't beat me, so that slot is still mine." "You REALLY
sound like a Tennessee Titan tonight. The truth is, Jeff Jarrett, you're
showin' your real colours, 'cause you really do want a crack at your best
friend's title, don'cha." "Listen Slapass, I've been the world champ
before and I'll be it again, but you're too worried about stirrin' things
up between me and Scotty that you can't see the fact that all I'm doin' is
protectin' mah buddy. Because everybody knows you've got somethin' up your
sleeve with this mystery opponent, and all I'm gonna do is protect my
buddy, so *you*, Flair, don't win the war." "Oh, let me see if I have this
right. So, if YOU win the title at Sin, and you walk out the door with the
belt, Scott Steiner's gon' be high-fiving you, you're gon' be best friends?
Is that the way you see it? Well, let me see you this, let me say it to
you like this, if things are that confusing, this is gonna be an unpopular
decision but as of right now, there won't BE a three-way dance for the
title at Sin." WHITE THUNDER & MIDAJAH are out. "Cut the music! Let me
remind you of something, Flair. I'm wrestling S-- at Sin in a three-way
dance - you made the rules, now you gotta play by 'em - it's me and Jeff
against your so-called mystery partner, and I like our odds." "Scott
Steiner, I am so happy you are here, because this is really all about you -
you are the World Heavyweight Champion, and everybody - like I told you the
day you won it, everybody, look around, wants to be wearin' that big gold
belt you're wearin'. Now I didn't say that you wouldn't have a title match
at Sin; I said you wouldn't have a three-way dance, and you won't - you'll
have a *four*-way dance because now it'll be you versus Jarrett versus Sid
versus my mystery man." "No no no, hell no, no you can't do that, Flair."
"No no, Flair, it's gonna be me and Jeff against Sid Vicious and your
mystery partner, and I *still* like our odds." "Scott, take...one step
back and take a deep breath. I told you you couldn't trust anybody -
you're seeing this the wrong way - everybody wants to be the champ -
everybody wants to be the Man. Do you remember askin' Jeff Jarrett at
Nitro two weeks ago if he was in a match for a slot in the three-way dance?
What'd he tell ya? Let's watch it - roll it!" Let Us Take You Back Two
Weeks Where Jarrett Denied It. "Flair, Flair, you know I had to do that,
just so I could protect 'im and get into the three-way dance - you're just
tryin' to stir a buncha crap up, Flair." "Scott Steiner, did he or did he
not lie to ya? Let's go to the biggest night of your night - Starrcade!
Look what he did there, let's roll it, c'mon! Watch this, Scott!" Let Us
Take You Back To An Errant Kabong. "It's clear-cut, I was goin' for Sid
and you know it , and Flair, you know it!" "All I know is that I'm tryin'
to tell our champion that he stands... all by himself! An island unto
himself! He can't trust anybody! It's gonna be three on one, the way I
see it. And I tell you what - just to make sure the champ stays on his
toes, this is the #1 wrestling show in the world, we need a great main
event for tonight, right? I am tell you, as the world champion, Scott
Steiner, you're gonna wrestle your friend Jeff Jarrett for the title
tonight, on Nitro!" "No no, Flair, I'm not wrestling Jeff - I'm gonna
wrestle YOU!" "No no no no no, you touch me, you come near me or touch me,
I'll strip you of that title and you'll never make it to Sin as the
champion." "Let me leave you with this, Flair - you keep on puttin' up
these roadblocks, and I keep on knockin' 'em down - sooner or later, your
ass is gonna be mine." Play his music! And I think he just told him his
mother sucks!
Backstage, Goldberg & the Sarge arrive - and they're WALKING! Goldberg
roughs up the agents at the door - apparently, he's in the mood for some
Kronik...
When we come back, Mike Sanders bemoans the fact that Ric Flair is
making him take several steps down to face the Cat at Sin...but for now,
he's still commish, and he's still booking matches. How about Big Ron
Harris against the Cat? Sanders says he wouldn't mind at all if there was
nothing left of the Cat at the end of tonight. "There won't be."
Meanwhile, Flair and Security are WALKING! Franchise stops the CEO - has
he lost his mind by putting Sid Vicious in the Sin main event? "What about
me? What about the Franchise, Naitch?" And...what about Raven? Flair
says he'll give him Vicious tonight. Franchise says after he beats
Vicious, he'll make history at Sin - winning the US title AND the World
title. Flair says if he beats Vicious, he'll consider putting him in the
match.
MIA T-shirts are available for a mere $20 + S&H from wcwgear.com! WOW!
SHANNON MOORE (with Shane Helms) v. CHAVO GUERRERO, JNR. in a nontitle
match - Let Us Take You Back to Thunder where Chavo waffled Moore with the
title belt after his match with Jaime Knoble. Helms takes fourth
headset..but let's hear from the Champ. "Suga Shane Helms...I know you're
in the back, watching, whoa! There you are, littlel trooper! Is that
really you? Did you come out here to see MY match? That's SO nice of you.
Looks to me you got a little announcing job out here - you're REALLY goin'
places now. And I know EXACTLY where you can go. Anyways, you got a fight
against me at the upcoming Sin pay-per-view. Well, tonight is a NONtitle
match - but being the fighting champion that I am, I don't like nontitle
matches, so tonight, I'm gonna put MY belt on the line against YOUR
partner, Shannon Moore. Now if he beats me, that makes ME the champ, and
*I* face *him* at the upcoming Sin pay-per-view, that makes YOU out in the
dark. So once again, if I don't keep it, you don't get it - got it?"
Helms notes that this is the same tack he took against Jaime "Kuh-noble."
Moore gives Chavo a shove off the apron and we're off - Helms with a little
lovetap as Guerrero happens by. Moore with a forearm, rolling him back in
- checking with his partner to make sure it's okay, then going back to
Guerrero - head in the gut, over the top, back to back to get back in -
into the ropes is reversed, ducked under by Moore, right, right, into the
corner, reversed, Moore up, shoved over to the apron, Moore with the head
to the buckle, springing up, corkscrew moonsault (!) for 2. Guerrero fires
back, right, right, right, Helms right, right, into the opposite corner,
leg lariat in the corner, to the first corner, Guerrero catches the next
flying leg and drops him on the mat. Up for the death suplex...and down.
1, 2, Shannon kicks out. Big knife-edge chop...chop...gutshot in the
corner, kick, kick, standing on the neck...and once again. Referee "Blind"
Mark Johnson trying to keep it clean - good luck. Snapmares him
over...wraps up one arm, half nelson around the other. "Come on Suga!" To
the headlock - Moore elbows out, Guerrero back to the attack with a
forearm, Moore counters the suplex and goes behind, shoving him into the
corner hard. Moore with a spinning heel kick. Moore tries to put him into
the ropes, reversed by Chavo, Moore on the shoulders, drops forward with
the victory roll - for 2! Right by Moore, into the ropes, head down, kick
by Guerrero, and a big lariat. Scoop....and a slam, but Moore hangs on and
follows through...into a rollup for 2! Chavo kicks the head, kick,
snapmare, back to the chinlock. Moore back to his feet and elbowing -
Guerrero knocks him down again.Right by Moore, right, over the top from
Chavo, right, right. Moore right, right, left, right, right, right, into
the ropes, reversal, what a dropkick by Guerrero! 1, 2, NO! Knife-edge
chop by Guerrero - into the ropes, reversed, Chavo holds on, Moore ducks
the clothesline, gutshot, springboard Rocker Dropper (!)...1, 2, NO! Moore
picks him up - Chavo blocks the head to the buckle and hits one of his own.
Chavo to the second rope - Moore quickly over - right, right, leaps to the
top, slips and falls back to the mat. Oops. Guerrero with a double sledge
to take advantage of it - hooks the leg - only 2! Right, right by Moore,
right, right, into the ropes, Moore ducks a clothesline off the ropes,
Moore with a head scissors...but the foot's on the rope. Moore with a
right, suplex is countered - gutshot by Guerrero - HIS suplex attempt is
countered...Moore goes for the sleeper, but before he can hit the sleeper
slam, Guerrero backs him into the corner. Guerrero charges, Moore up and
over, down with the body scissors rollup - 1, Chavo rolls through - gutshot
- BUURAINBUSTAAAAAA - good night. 1, 2, 3. (5:54) But Chavo's not
finished...with a look to Helms, he picks him up for another
brainbuster...but Helms hits the ring and prevents that. Chavo has a smile
- he's *finally* gotten to Shane...in fact, he's NOT walking away. He's
sneaking around and back in the ring...Helms ducks the clothesline, then
dumps him over the top rope and over to the floor! Guerrero takes umbrage.
Just in case you start to cheer Shane as the face, they play "Sing Along
with 3 Count," just to tear your heart apart. One step up and two steps
back?
"In this world, the desire to be champion will tempt a good man, turning
him on those who trust him most, destroying friendships, making the
fight...real." OH MY GOOD THIS MEANS IT'S *GOTTA* BE A SHOOT FANS -
anyway, Sin promo - you cannot imagine
When we come back, Kwee-wee and Paisley are watching a monitor -
Mike Sanders walks up and tells him he's got a big match for him tonight -
he gives him a piece of paper to read...then punks him out while he's
distracted. Thank goodness Big Vito comes to the rescue! Is Kwee-wee all
right? Vito and Paisley walk off with Kwee-wee, arm in arm...
Meanwhile, here's a long shot of Flair...and Luger & Bagwell. What could
THEY be talking about?
CAT (with Mz. Jones & Let Us Take You Back to Thunder) v. BIG RON HARRIS
(with Heavy D Harris) - Ron managed to shave his head between the last
segment and now. "Okay, okay guys - now guys, I'm gonna tell you - hold
up, just wait a minute - just wait a minute now. You know, I'm a bad man,
but you two guys are BIG, man - you two guys got to be six-eight, three
hundred and ten pounds apiece! I'm a bad man, but I'm not a crazy man.
Now, I'm gonna tell you two guys something, I know Mike Sanders sent you
out here just to hurt me, so I cannot win the commissionership back. But
these people out here wanna see me as the commissioner! So, I tell you
guys what - I tell you two guys what. Hey, I don't have a beef with you
guys, so what I'm gonna do here - I'm not gonna be stupid, okay? I want
Mike Sanders. But before you guys go, you know - you guys look alike, man
- are you guys twins? Yeah, you two guys look like two baby
Frankensteins!" Well, that was stupid - both Harrisses quickly get to
punishment. Referee "Blind" Jamie Tucker tries to get Don out of the
ring...and, amazingly, succeeds. NBA on TNT Wednesdays and Thursdays!
Harris with a choke on the second rope...then arguing with Tucker while Don
continues the choke behind his back. Ron right, right, right, elbowdrop.
Into the ropes, clothesline. Through the ropes to the floor - hey, Tucker,
come over here and talk to me while my brother puts Cat into the safety
rail. Rolled back in. Into the ropes, Cat holds on - kick, splits,
uppercut, over to Don...and there's a hot shot. Ron tries a sunset flip,
but Cat gets jiggy jig jig JAAH, James Brown's breakdancin' elbow. Wacky
arm wringer, kick, kick, kick. Tucker holds him back as Ron rolls
out...and Don rolls in. Don with a big right hand. Jones up to
argue...now BOTH Harrisses are in - into the ropes - H BOMB. Average White
Band calling, they want you to Pick Up the Pieces - 1, 2, 3. (2:43) Ron's
da One! Jones isn't the persuasive type...
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, AOL 6.0 (will they EVER get
it right?), "Coyote Ugly" on video & DVD, Lean Pockets, and Fran
Tarkenton's credit scam - I mean, 1-800-BAR-NONE
That movie "Snatch" - it isn't what I *think* it's about, is it?
GENE O. works tonight! He stands with the Cat - he looks in bad shape -
perhaps he won't make it to Sin - perhaps he won't win back the
commissioner's office! "Oh yeah?! I'm gon' tell you something, old man -
you think they can stop me? Move it! I'ma show you how bad I am - move
out the day, I'm gonna dance baby! You can't stop me! I'm the greatest of
all time! Hey, somebody help me, I'm the greatest, I'm the greatest..."
Meanwhile, a voice offstage says "3" and General Rection asks Sid Vicious
to save just a little piece of Franchise for him at Sin. "You got it
man...yeah!" And then he breaks into the Sid Giggle.
Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner try to patch it up. Steiner says
he's gonna go find Flair. "Don't let him strip you of the title, Scotty!
God I gotta come up with something..."
Meanwhile (4), Gene O. stands with the Natural Born Thrillers and asks Mike
Sanders about the Cat's comments. Sanders calls him "Gene Mean," which is
probably more a mistake than an homage to Chris Jericho. The Cat will be
lucky if he makes it to Sin, but that's not why he's out here. A little
while ago he was jumped by "Kiwi and Big Vito," and he's gone ahead and
booked a "Minnesota Massacre" - those two will face some "randomly selected
opponents." The intimation is that the other Thrillers are probably going
to be those randomly selected opponents. Oh, and anybody interfering in
the match will incur heavy fines, suspensions, and so forth. "Gene, one
more thing." "What's that?" Stasiak: "Hey, don't worry about it." Then
they all start BLEATING?
WHAT A SEGMENT FANS - HERE'S AN AD FOR "BULL"
When we come back, Luger & Bagwell have found Kronik and relate that
when they heard that "big, bad Bill" was looking for them, they suggested a
match to Flair - Kronik vs. Goldberg & Sarge. If they can win, then
Goldberg gets fired - everybody wins! Clarke asks where the cash is -
Luger says it's a WCW-sanctioned deal and no cash is involved...then they
back away.
Lance Storm T-shirts available at wcwgear.com - only $20 + S&H! Speaking
of which...
LANCE STORM (with Elix Skipper & Major Gunns & ... ugh ... Mike Awesome -
oh, and Let Us Take You Back to Thunder) v. (billy) KIDMAN (with Raymond
Stereo & Konnan & Tygryss) - "If I can be serious for a minute...I was
hoping to start 2001 in a good mood. But after the act of vandalism
perpetrated by the Animals last week on Thunder, that's oot the window.
Tonight, I take care of Kidman. And at Sin, we challenge the Animals to a
Canadian Penalty Box match - and for those of you who aren't smart enough
to figure out what that is, if someone breaks one of the rules, they sit in
the box, and the other team gets a one-man advantage. All rise for the
playing of our Canadian national anthem!" We get about (:22) down before
the Filthy Animals hit...new video (same music) for them, by the way.
Kidman with the chest bump, ring the bell. Storm shoves him away. Kidman
right, right, right, into the ropes, Storm slides under, elbow, right, into
the ropes, presses him up, Kidman with a rana to take him down. Right,
into the ropes, reversed, kick by Kidman, kick, suplex attempt blocked,
again, Storm drops Kidman on the top rope with a front suplex. Into the
ropes, press...and drop. Awesome tosses Storm a chair (you knew Mike
Awesome joined Team Canada, right? I know, I'm depressed about it, too),
and Storm wedges it in the corner between ropes top and middle. Back over
to Kidman, gutshot - Kidman with a right, into the ropes, reversal, Kidman
with a crucifix...no, Storm with a forward roll slam (WOW! FIT
FINLAY!)...but only for 2. Big "USA" chant. Storm with a
backbreaker...and stretching him afterwards. Another 2 count for Storm.
Into the ropes, going for the abdominal stretch...and got it in. "USA!"
Kidman powers out, dueling hiptosses ends with Storm on the apron, dropping
down with a hot shot on Kidman. Back on the apron - springboard...Kidman
with a dropkick to counter! Both men are down...Kidman with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, into the ropes, BIG back body
drop, dropkick, going for the tornado bulldog but Storm shakes free and
shoves him away - Kidman lands on his feet and hits the "short"
powerbomb...for 2! Into the opposite corner, Storm sternum first - ducking
the clothesline off the ropes, SUPERKICK - 1, 2, Kidman gets a shoulder up!
Storm ducks a clothesline, tries the full nelson but Kidman drops down and
rolls him forward for 2. Into the corner with the chair, but Storm avoids
it, up and over, Kidman avoids the chair...Storm with a rollup...1, 2,
Kidman kicks out and Storm headbutts the chair! 1, 2, Gunns and Awesome
pull Kidman out of the ring. Big lariat by Awesome. Now ALL six start
tussling on the outside - we watch Gunns and Tygress, of course. So is
referee "Born to Do It" Scott James. Back in the ring, Storm tries to
powerbomb Kidman (IS HE DAFT?) Kidman with a backdrop, but Storm lands on
his feet - Kidman ducks a clothesline, hooks the arm - Kid Krusher - 1, 2,
3! (4:07)
In two weeks, Nitro will air on Tuesday! HEY! They FINALLY learned how to
tell us these things AHEAD OF TIME!
FRANCHISE (with Let Us Take You Back to Thunder) v. SID VISCOUS -
"Cut the damn music! St. Paul, Minnesota...I'll make ya a little deal.
You don't like me any more than I like being in this hellhole you call a
city. I don't get paid by the hour so I take Sid Vicious tonight, and
start making history! After I Franchise his ass, my old friend Ric Flair
will be forced to put me in that four-way title match at Sin. Don't worry,
Rection, I haven't forgotten about you, and my gold you wear around your
waist. Tonight at Sin, then a four-way match I'll win at Sin, and then
it's time for you, Rection, to get your ass Franchised. Hahahahaha" I
think Franchise just got his timelines a bit confoozled, there. As
Vicious' music plays...did some other show just start? Sid's
wearing....jeans with kneepads and boots over them? Please alert the
fashion police! Sid climbs the corner to stoke the crowd...so Franchise
jumps him from behind with a forearm, two, three, and one more. Head to
the buckle. Into the opposite corner, Sid gets the boot up, running
clothesline. Sid follows him outside - whip into the safety rail. Forearm
across the chest. Scoops him up...and drops him on the commentary table.
Forearm across the chest. Back into the ring...and Franchise crotches him
on the second rope - two times! Kick, running, swinging neckbreaker...for
2. Into the ropes, knee to the gut. Franchise has the chain wrapped
around his fist - into the ropes, reversal, big boot. Big clothesline,
clothesline, clothesline. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes with the
legdrop! Signalling for the chokeslam...does he still have that chain? No
matter - it's a CHOKESL--no, it's not!! Franchise chops his trap with the
chain and Sid releases him. Franchise going for the DREADED
BELLY-TO-BELLY....but Vicious ain't budging. Shoved to the corner - Sid
catches him on the bounce and chokeslams him. Millennium Bomb coming up -
mama sez it beez that way sometimez. (4:20 - uhh) Sid's celebration in
the aisle is cut short as WHITE THUNDER & JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET pop
up, pop him down, and throw him over the rail into some really confused
fans. As the beatdown continues, let's move on to...
Promotional consideration paid for by Disney's "The Kid" on video & DVD,
Hot Pockets, Geico, Geico, and "The Perfect Storm" on PPV!
Thunder ad
When we return, Gene O. stands with Ric Flair - everything's out of
control! Hopefully things will work out for the best with Sanders...and as
for Steiner & Jarrett, if he gets a whiff that they're not performing at
their best tonight, he'll suspend 'em both and strip the title from
Steiner. Turning to the Penalty Box match, Flair says a special referee is
needed for the match...and he calls on Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Duggan runs
down Team Canada...then promises to call the match right down the middle.
Ohhhhh. I mean, Hoooooooooo! "Wooooo! Sin Sunday here we come!"
TERRY FUNK is out - he's actually using the hardcore championship belt to
hold up his pants! "Hey! I wanna know one thing...I wanna know who's the
king? Who's the king? I's the king! I's the king! I am the king of
hardcore wrestling! And it's about time the CEO of WCW realised that I am
the king of hardcore wrestling. But no - Flair wants to destroy me - and
how is he gonna do that? By puttin' me against *nobodies*. Nobodies like
Crowbar at the pay-per-view in Indianapolis. He knows that if you put a
nobody against someone else, that that other person will become a nobody,
and that is me. And I don't ever wanna be called a nobody. What I want is
- I want the best that WCW has to offer in the ring in a hardcore match! I
want GOLDBERG! GOLDBERG! GOLDBERG! I want STEINER! STEINER! I want
Diamond Dallas Page in the ring with me. Why...Meng or Mingo or Jingo or
Bingo, you know that ugly guy with the (monkey face) and the banana nose--"
"I HAVE HEARD ENOUGH OF YOUR CRAP, TERRY FUNK!" It's CROWBAR & DAFFNEY
UNGER - he with a chair and a mic, she with some sparklers. "You're doin'
nothing but telling everyone in this arena LIES, LIES and more lies.
Everybody knows - everybody saw at Starrcade - I was binded at the wrist,
being beaten half to death with a steel chair, but I still stood toe-to-toe
with you, Mr. Hardcore Legend. Wait...Terry, it wasn't supposed to be like
this. It wasn't supposed to end this way. Everything I ever wanted to be,
and everything I've ever become is because of you. DAMMIT, I IDOLISED YOU,
TERRY FUNK!" "You *should* idolise me - look at yourself. You'd better
look up to somebody. You oughta look up to me as well as anybody else,
without me you would be a nobody. There wouldn't even be hardcore in this
country. I am the true hardcore individual that started ECW! I am
the extreme wrestler in the United States today! Ask these people if you
don't believe me." "Y'know something, Terry...I used to look up to you -
as I said, I used to idolise you. You were a legend! I thought you were
timeless...but the truth is, you're old school...and I represent everything
that's a threat to you! All those barbed wire matches (Sin: 6 Days Away)
all those death matches in Japan - all the classic wars with Ric Flair -
nothing, NOT a thing will prepare you for our match Sunday, 'cause when the
match is over, I'm gonna walk over to your beaten body, and no matter how
hard you try to tighten your grip, no matter how hard you try and hold on,
I'm gonna grab the hardcore title and that hardcore torch, raise them both
high, and take my rightful spot as the leader of the new hardcore
revolution." "Well, I might just take that hardcore torch...and stick it
where the sun don't shine." "Baby I'll give you a shot right now."
Crowbar rushes the ring...but Funk's out. "I'll be there. Don't even
worry about it - I'll be there. I'll be right there for ya, don't worry
about it..." At this point, THEMONSTERMENG runs out with a STEEL chair and
brains Funk. "Is that the best you got? Is that the best you got?" So
Meng goozles him. Daffney over with a wooden chair - doesn't even break it
with her weak swing on Meng - Meng SUPERKICKS Daffney! Crowbar out to
check on Daffney - now *he's* out with *his* wooden chair - Meng puts his
right hand THROUGH the chair (sorta) and puts a Tongan Death Grip on
Crowbar!! BOTH men down...and out. Play Meng's music! "You! And you!
If you want this...come and take it from me!" HE'S GOT THE BELT!
Hooomahummahee ho ho ho ho
The following segment, paid for by Jimmy Hart, will continue to be ignored
until SOMEBODY comes to their senses and keeps it off the air
WCW Magazine ad
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by America (ha!) Online!
Let's take a trip behind the door marked COMMISSIONER. Oh, wait, it's
empty. A hand approaches Mike Sanders' jacket hanging up, removes the
envelope with the randomly selected opponents, and replaces
it...commentators are dumbfounded as to what just happened. Maybe they'll
figure it out in the next half hour or so...
KRONI>| (with Let Us Take You Back to Thunder) v. "SARGE" DEWAYNE BRUCE and
COLD "34-0" BEER (entrance: 1:26) - Adams meets Goldberg in the aisle while
Clarke takes it to Bruce in the ring. I think Adams hit a sweet
head-and-arm suplex, but the director would rather ogle Goldberg and Adams
trading punches. Bleah. Clarke over to help Adams - doubleteam on
Goldberg. Clarke with a side Russian legsweep into the safety rail.
Goldberg into the STEEL steps. Adams kicking away. Bruce trying to elbow
out of Clarke's hold - Clark kicking, stomping, now working on the broken
arm - into the post! Goldberg in the ring - no, referee "Blind" Mickie J.
telling him to get in the corner. Another shot to the broken arm. Tag to
Adams. Kick by Clarke, kick, into the ropes, double shoulderblock. Into
the ropes, head down, Bruce kicks Adams, Adams headbutts Bruce. Big
press...and toss. Goldberg wants in - Adams won't fall for THAT. Setting
up for a big suplex...Bruce fights it off and falls back to his feet - BIG
DDT drops Adams. Tag to Clarke - Goldberg's not good at waiting for the
tag as he's halfway through the ropes but we'll give him the benefit of the
doubt (how often is he in tag matches?) and call it as the HOT TAG!
Forearm for Clarke, over the shoulder toss for Adams, big boot for Clarke,
Adams with a gutshot, and full nelson slam. Setting up for the High
Times...nope, Goldberg elbows them both. Right for Clarke, right for
Adams, superkick for Clarke, spear for Adams, Clarke with a forearm in the
back. Into the ropes, reversed, we look outside to see BUFF BAGWELL
stomping on Bruce, leapfrog by Goldberg, spear. THE NARCISSIST has joined
Bagwell in the beatdown - broken arm to the STEEL steps. Goldberg hasn't
caught on yet - jackhammer for Clarke - 1, 2, 3. (3:52) Goldberg
*finally* sees what's going on outside and goes out after Bagwell...this
works until Luger hits him from behind with Bruce's cast. Bagwell secures
a chair and WHACKS Bruce, then throttles Goldberg with the chair. Luger
uses the cast on Adams (huh?) - Bagwell over to choke Bruce with the chair
. Play Buff's music!
Nitro hits Baltimore and tix are on sale Saturday! Also on sale Saturday:
Nitro in Tupelo, Nitro in Biloxi, and don't forget that plenty of great
seats are still available for Sin Sunday in Indy!
You know, things haven't changed all that much from earlier in the night -
those MIA T-shirts are STILL on sale for $20 + S&H from wcwgear.com
As MIKE SANDERS hits the ring with envelope in hand, we learn that it's now
a three-way dance for the hardcore title Sunday - Meng, Funk and Crowbar.
"Let me take this opportunity to welcome you to the first-ever Minnesota
Massacre. Now, what I have in my hand is an envelope of Randomly Selected
Participants. Now, if your name is NOT in this envelope, you are banned
from ringside. Now, the only reason I'm wearin' my gear tonight is because,
hell, I possibly could be picked and I wanna step up to the plate, so, Mr.
Penzer, if you would, take that, read off the participants, and let's get
'em out here and get this thing started right. Thank you." DAVID PENZER:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first-ever Minnesota Massacre Last Man
Standing - introducing the first participant, representing the Natural Born
Thrillers, Mike Sanders!" Sanders acts surprised but hits the ring as the
Thrillers' music plays again. "Ladies and gentlemen, participant number
two... representing the Natural Born Thrillers, THE EVENT CHUCK PALUMBO!
"Ladies and gentlemen, the third participant...representing the Natural
Born Thrillers, SEAN O'HAIRE!" Boy, it's fun listening to the SAME theme
so many times in a row. "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the fourth
participant...representing the...Insiders, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE!" As
Sanders gives us "genuine surprise," and Page's music SUCKS, by the way,
Tony *finally* puts it all together. "And the final
participant...representing the Insiders, BIG SEXY KEVIN NASH!"
MINNESOTA MASSACRE: LAST MAN STANDING - "Whoa whoa, hey - now...just what
are you two jacked up geeks don' down here anyway? This ain't how it's
supposed to go--" Two simultaneous rights put Sanders on the outside.
While a Pier Four develops, let me take this time to note that the NBA is
on TNT Wednesdays & Thursdays. Sanders with a tag team title - WHACK for
Nash! WHACK for Page! Well, that turned it around... Three-way stompin'.
Nash's legs wrapped around the post, but they forget to do anything once
that's done. Sanders stands on the neck. Most over man in this match
is.....Scott Hall. Oops. Palumbo with the rights...but Page fights back
and now it's PAGE with the rights. Right for O'Haire ... wait, he's one
and they're two - sit down, Page! Page ends up ducking a superkick from
each side...and Palumbo and O'Haire take each other out. Sanders looks
around...and finds himself the only man standing. Referee "Blind" Billy
Silverman puts on the count...but at five, Page manages an uppernut to put
*Sanders* down. The count begins again. "Billy Silverman's gonna win!"
Up to 7 - Palumbo and Page are up - and down. O'Haire and Nash trade
blows. What a mess. Page with a DDT counter out of...something. Oh, a
hiptoss. Oy. Nash standing on O'Haire's neck. Looks like PERFECTSHAWN
STASIAK & MARK JINDRAK tried to come out and help, but KWEE-WEE & PAISLEY &
BIG VITO & JOHNNY "THE BULL" keep all of them away. Diamond Cutter on
Palumbo! Truckstop Drop on O'Haire! Silverman says "what the hell, let's
just declare TWO winners...without a ten count." It doesn't HAVE to make
sense because IT'S WCW! Play Page's EXTREMELY CRAPPY MUSIC! (3:27)
Sin ad #2
Two weeks from tonight, "The Pretender 2001" pre-empts Nitro. Man, "CHiPs
'99" NEVER got to pre-empt Nitro
Lance Storm T-shirt.....eh, fuck it
MESH HEAD MUSH MOUTH (with Mesh Head Fake Breasts) v. AD BREAK -
"Ric Flair, if I didn't put Sting in the hospital, I'd wrestle him here
tonight in the main event. If I didn't put Booker T. in the hospital, I
would wrestling him in the main event. You can send Sid Vicious out here
tonight, and I woulda kicked his ass too. But tonight, just me and Jeff
Jarrett share a common bond, and that is we both don't like you - I am not
wrestlin' Jeff Jarrett here tonight, I don't care if you're CEO or not.
So, Ric Flair, you don't have no main event tonight."
Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is WALKING! "This ain't happenin' - I don't give a
damn what he says, this ain't happenin'..." What's he talking about? Come
back...
WCW MasterCard ad - hey Buff, you didn't make a joke, so STOP LAUGHING
WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE: WHITE THUNDER (with Midajah) v. JEDOUBLEF
JADOUBLEREDOUBLET - Champ enters first because....umm....so he could chat
with us before the break. "Flair...me and Scotty are sick of this
conspiracy crap. You just don't get it, do you, Jurassic Slapass? You
make the rules, we break 'em. And as far as the Chosen One concerned, I'm
not gonna be fallin' for any of these Divide and Conquer tricks. So this
match between me and Steiner tonight, no, I'm puttin' it on hold 'til this
Sunday, when we can add two more opponents and make it a four-way. So Mr.
CEO Slapnuts, choke on that." And now, here is THE CEO. "Mr. World
Heavyweight Champion, Scott Steiner - Jeff Jarrett, challenger - you're
both wrong. You're not running the company, you are booked in the main
even tonight, and it goes like this - Scott, you're the world champion, but
I'm gonna strip you of that title if you don't wrestle him tonight. And
Jarrett, if you don't wrestle him, I'm gonna take you out of your slot at
Sin. Ring the bell - we're gonna have a main event tonight. Ring the
bell!" Jarrett shoves Midajah out of the way....well, that can't be good.
Steiner with a forearm to the back. Kick, forearm, kick, kick, chop, chop,
high hiptoss. Press...NBA on TNT Wenesdays and Thursdays...and a drop.
Chop. Into the opposite corner, but Jarrett gets the boots up. Choke on
the second rope. Boss Man straddle. Choke with what's left of the shirt.
Into the ropes is reversed, Steinerline. Kiss the bicep, drop the elbow -
1, no...pushups. Jarrett manages a jawbreaker. Atomic drop. Standing
dropkick. Jarrett outside, and up top...crossbody hits - 1, 2, kicked out
with authority! Jarrett back on him with a right hand. Into the ropes,
reversed, Steiner with a tilt-a-whirl slam. Steiner shows off the guns.
Scoop...Sin: 6 Days Away...into the corner and tied to the Tree of Woe.
Steiner outside...and yanking on the neck. Steiner over to threaten
fans...Jarrett's made his way out - right hand - head to a chair. Whip
into the safety rail is reversed, and Jarrett hits hard. Whip into the
opposite rail. Scoop...Jarrett powerslammed onto the announce table!
Steiner standing on the table, stomping Jarrett. Did he just thrust his
package in the direction of a female fan? Yikes! Jarrett with an
uppernut. Rolled back in the ring - forearm by Steiner, kick, kick, right,
right, into the ropes, Jarrett reverses, knee, another knee, going for the
Stroke, but Steiner shoves his head into the buckle - and hits the buckle
one more time. Big belly-to-belly...1, 2, NO. SID VISCOUS is out...ah
hell. All over Steiner...now all over Jarrett. Out trots THE MYSTERY MAN
- and goes for Steiner. Referee "Blind" Mickie J. says "well, I could have
let it go with SID interfering, but this other guy...oh man, I don't think
so. (Relaxed DQ? 5:08) Crowd woofs a lot for some reason - is this secret
THAT poorly kept? Anyway, Sid and the Goon clear the ring, but before we
can see how *they* react to each other....the credits are up and we're out.
Sin ad #3
Will it all change next week?
Let's hope....not TOO much.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net