I GET LETTERS: Dan Salerno and Pat Savino both pointed out that I
misidentified Hacksaw Jim Duggan's theme as "Stars & Stripes Forever,"
when what I *should* have said was "The Washington Post March." They're
both Sousa, so at least I was close. Pat covered for me by reminding us
all that S&SF was Duggan's theme for a brief time in the WWF, as well as
the music "Made in the USA" Lex Luger first used when he turned "American
original" on us. THAT was what I MUST have been thinking!
A few of you wrote me asking if they could actually BUY the "WCW theme
CD." Well, it was a joke. The music IS out there, but durned if I know
where to get it.
On to this week.
DISCLAIMER: I am biased.
WARNING: I swear below.
Let the first things I hear please be the sounds of Voodoo Chili cooking
on a TV-PG-DV ratings box and a closed captioned logo. That's right, we
start out tonight's Nitro with YOU KNOW WHO coming back to Hartford. I
*love* that "Hendrix/Hogan Voodoo Chili" pot sign. Tenay orgasms over the
word "LIVE! - no videotape here!" knowing full well that the taped RAWs
*beat* the Live Nitros - so everybody changes the channel. Oh yeah,
there's CRACKA EAZY-E, NO-SMOKIN' GIANT, and BOOTY DISCIPLE with Hogan.
Bischoff talks first. Hogan talks next. Nothing is said. Hogan
manages to call out Goldberg just before he loses his voice. Boos are
ponderous and thunderous. Oh wait, the title shot isn't for Hogan, it's
for the Giant. Hey, they're not gonna give away Giant/Goldberg for FREE
tonight, are they? Hogan says "4 life." Sign says "NITRO PARTIES SUCK"
I'm just getting started for THREE BIG HOURS OF NITRO!
...this portion of which is sponsored by Valvoline. They're giving away a
car or something.
There's the opening credits I know and love. You know, Giant, Lex Luger,
Steiner Brothers - how many of those guys are left in WCW? LIVE 17.8.98
from the Civic Center in Hartford, CT, it's MONDAY NITRO! Your hosts are
Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry Zbyszko. AGAIN
somebody bashes RAW because it isn't live. Remember this when you watch
THUNDER! this week...
MEAN GENE OKERLUND is out with J.J. DILLON, come to give us big news 'bout
that WarGames thing that happens every year 'bout this time at Fall Brawl.
Dillon makes some cryptic comments about Hogan (if you know, you know) and
announces that there will be three three-man teams in WarGames - the
captains will be Hollywood Hogan, Diamond Dallas Page, and Kevin Nash.
Let's see, NWO, WCW, Wolfpack - okay, that covers it. Dillon runs down
the WarGames rules and adds a spicy stipulation - winner of WarGames gets
a World Heavyweight title shot at Goldberg the next night on Nitro. So I
guess we won't have Goldberg in the WarGames, huh. Oh, the impression
left with what Dillon was saying is that it wasn't that Hogan had nothing
left to prove and was sending the Giant out to do his dirty work, but that
Hogan hadn't worked his way back through the rankings yet. I think that's
the first time anyone's EVER said that about Hogan. I'm sure we'll have
forgotten it in a month...
Let Us Take You Back to Saturday Night (you mean you DON'T watch it?)
where Dean Malenko has some heartfelt words for Arn Anderson.
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Motel 6 7/8, America (ha!)
Online, and the crispycrustytenderflaky crust of New Hot Pockets.
Local insert ad hypes the local RAW is WAR at the San Jose Arena 14
September. Surprisingly, there's no such ad during RAW - I guess
everybody watching RAW already BOUGHT their tickets. (Hint hint, I
didn't, if anybody's got a press pass lying around, hint hint, free plugs
every week from me in return, hint hint).
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they're - well, I think I can see
some buttocks!
Nitro Party winner video. They cut away from the Nitro Girls in those
outfits to show me THIS crap?
STEVE "MONGO" McMICHAEL (with four fingers) v. SICK BOY (no entrance) -
I feel like I've seen this before. Yup, 20 July and LAST WEEK. That must
mean it's time for this CRZ flashback:
SICK BOY (with Lodi) v. STEVE "MONGO" McMICHAEL - Lodi provides
distraction and Sick Boy gets the first few moves in. Sick Boy can't do a
move unless a springboard is involved, by the way. But of course,
McMichael has the fire burning inside him (and YOU thought it was a beer
belly) and with the passion of the group that always knew what THE Symbol
of Excellence was, tombstones Sick Boy for the pin. (no opening bell,
oh let's call it 3:07)
That was last week. I've noticed their matches get longer as each man
learns the moves of the other - that July match I have from them, it went
1:29 with Mongo winning with a tombstone. They know each other so well
that THIS time Mongo wins with a tombstone in 4:42. The highlight of this
match is Tenay and Tony continuing to whine about RAW being taped and that
we shouldn't bother watching "the ten second confrontation that ends this
show" and that it "was taped weeks ago." I leave it to the reader to make
the appropriate obseravtions of idiot/cluelessness to the commentators.
I bet that "Larry" chant is taped.
Gene O. brings out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE, who just *have* to walk out
through the crowd or else they'll stop calling him "the People's Champion"
- when was the last time he had some gold again? April? Gene wants to
know who the other two men on Team WCW are. Page says he had a guy's
number in his Rolodex, and he flew out west to ask this guy if he wanted a
piece of the Immortal One, Hollywood "Scum" Hogan. "This cat I'm talking
about, if you look in the record books, BROTHER, you're oh and one!" It's
the Genius, isn't it? The Genius, Lanny Poffo, is FINALLY making his WCW
return! No? You don't think so? Oh, well we'll see I guess. Page
mentions Bret Hart and the next thing you know BRET HART is out there.
"Gene, the details of my life are quite inconsequential. You come out
here with your sorry-ass excuses, you slip on a banana peel and whine..."
Page: "BACK OFF JACK!" Man, Hart can talk CIRCLES around this guy. Page
challenges Hart to a match, since he happened to walk out there. If Hart
were smart, he'd say "No" and walk away. Hart again mentions that Piper,
Savage, Benoit and Booker T. are out at his hands, and the only reason
Luger survivied is because he's Sting's friend. "You...are the scum of
the earth!" so it's on, and Hart has no compunctions about putting the big
hurt on DDP. Man, the Hitman's putting the Hart back in Hartford.
Lee Marshall narrates the Starburst Fruit Chews Pin on a Map Road Report.
Next week's Nitro is at the United Center in Chicago, Illinois!
Gene O. needs to talk some more because there was too much wrestling last
week. Here's RAVEN. Before he gets to talk, HORACE is out to whine about
how he's been mistreated and he wants a match with Raven tonight. Raven
says ok, but he wants a tag team match - Horace can team with Kanyon and
he'll team with Saturn. Out come SATURN and KANYON - Saturn says no way,
Raven says what, are you chicken, and Saturn says oh yeah, and Raven says
yeah, and Saturn says am not, and Raven says are too, and here's J.J.
DILLON - gonna make the match 'cause everyone's agreeable. BUT,
stipulations. If a wrestler causes his opponent to lose, he'll get a
90-day suspension. AND, this match can only end via pinfall or
submission.
HIGH VOLTAGE v. DISCO INFERNO & ALEX WRIGHT - Commentators hype Diamond
Dallas Page's surprise opponent - oh it's the Warrior, by the way. Rage
and Wright start. Wright does that triple kip-up thing. Match is
basically Wright runs around but ends up running into a Rage power move.
Tony again says that they won't have a ten second main event like another
program. Umm, Tony, Goldberg's matches only last two minutes. Disco
FINALLY gets the advantage when Kaos puts his head down. It doesn't last
long - oh, who cares, here's MENG to take out Alex Wright with that Tongan
Death Grip that has all the kids on the streets in fear. Now he's in the
ring and indiscriminately attacking everyone. (no contest - about 2:45)
Disco goes down. Kaos goes down. Rage goes down. Who's left? Referee
"Blind" Billy Silverman? Why not. Look at Silverman's tongue waggle.
Here's a member of security. Good night. Here's another one - he's armed
with some mace. Meng no-sells the spray and takes out that guy. Let's
take an ad break. NOTHING CAN STOP MENG! except an ad break.
EDDIE GUERRERO v. KONNAN - Eddie comes out late with a soda and luggage.
Hmmm... "Yeah that's right - unscheduled interview. Hey production, don't
even think about going to a commercial, if not I might go say my piece at
some other show. Yeah, that's right Eric, so I got your attention now
Eric Bischoff? I can't get it in the back. Huh? I try and go in there
and talk to you about business and I get screamed at and kicked out - well
if this is what I gotta do to get your attention, Eric Bischoff, then this
is what I'm gonna do. Fire me, do whatever it takes, I could give a you
know what, Eric. Eric Bischoff, time in and time out, for one whole year
I have been coming here to work just to be mistreated by you and very much
unappreciated, Eric. On the road, on TV, I give you my hundred percent, I
give all these people my hundred percent whether they like me or whether
they don't, I give you the best show there is and you know it and you
cannot give me the time of day in the back to listen to what I have to say
to you Eric, well I could give a damn. Cause you know what? I don't care
anymore Eric Bischoff, you got a lot of young talent here in WCW and all
you do is hold us down for people that you pay a lot of money to and that
you have way up here, well I don't care Bischoff, anymore, I don't care
about these people, I don't care about nothing anymore, Eric, you have
driven me to that. Eric Bischoff, this has nothing to do with you people,
this is personal between me and you, Eric. ["Eddie sucks" chant dies out]
I ... come to work with my heart and all you do is step on it, and I'm
tired of it. You hold me down, you've held me down, but from now on in
Eric, see I don't know what it is, I don't know if it's something personal
you've got against me. Whatever it is Eric, I don't know. I mean, what
is it about me that you have against me that you keep me from stepping up
the ladder in this profession? What is it about me? I mean you got me
tied down, Eric, in my contract, Eric, and I could give - I'm telling you
this right now, okay? And I'm saying this for any other guy that wants to
come out here and speak his mind that's being held down - if you got the -
you know what, come out here and say it like I am. Eric Bischoff, I'm
telling you this face to face, boy, 'cause I can't get your attention, by
the way, I'm face to face, let me say on national TV in front of all these
people I'm coming out and the only reason I haven't come out any sooner is
for two reasons - Chavo, Jr., I love you, man. You're my blood and I'll
never let that go. You're one of the reasons I haven't - said anything
about what I'm doing tonight. And the other reason is because I have two
kids and a wife that I have to support. But you know what? If losing my
dignity means having to put up with WCW, NWO red, black or white or
whatever the hell it is, I don't care. So Eric Bischoff, I'm telling you
this right now, I want out of my contract no matter what it takes, who I
gotta speak to, or what it is, okay? And here, let me save you some time,
Eric Bischoff I've thrown coffee on myself - as
far as I'm concerned Eric Bischoff, you can take this job and shove it up
your you-know-what." And Eddie walks away.
This of course, can only mean one thing: Eddie's re-signed. And Eric
approved this angle, but only if Eddie could work the name "Eric Bischoff"
about a MILLION times in his interview.
Another clip from Dean reaching out to Arn Anderson.
NWO Wolfpack T-shirt ad. Buy shirt!
It's the second hour! Did you switch to RAW? Come on, you can tell me.
Rated TV-PG-DV. fireworks. Tenay calls the Internet "ripe." Well, I'm
quoting him out of context, but he did use the word.
HORACE (boulder) & (khris) KANYON (with Kanyon's music and Horace's STOP
sign) v. RAVEN & (perry) SATURN in a "Three of us are half the men we used
to be" match - I believe they call this a parejas increible match - of
course, I'm spelling it wrong. Those of you who know, know. (Opa!) Tony
mentions the Internet AGAIN, then slams it. Did you know people from
turner.com have visited my homepage? They even have my picture, for
crying out loud! I bet Tony printed it out and drew little devil horns on
my head. It sounds like something he'd do. Then he'd proclaim it the
BIGGEST GRAFFITI IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORT. OK, enough Tony bashing -
for this match. We start out with Kanyon rolling up Raven, and Saturn
breaking up the count. Tag to Saturn. Saturn and Raven argue
about...something. Saturn and Kanyon lockup, power out by Saturn, Kanyon
ducks and tries an "innovation" but because we've actually seen the move
SEVERAL times, Saturn knows to counter and release suplex Kanyon. Tag to
Horace. Saturn with a T-bone Tazplex (hee hee). Saturn thinks about
tagging, but takes a shot at Kanyon instead. Turning around, Horace
flattens him. Tag to Kanyon. Something innovative for 2. To the corner,
right hand by Kanyon and Saturn goes down. Another right. Kick to the
gut, repeat, repeat, my goodness this is *innovative*. Whip, Saturn tries
to leap over but Kanyon catches him and hits a backbreaker for 2. Kanyon
to the top rope - Raven runs over and crotches him ('cause Raven likes to
crotch people, if you catch my drift). Saturn tags to Raven, who promptly
stomps a mudhole in Kanyon. Russian leg sweep, 2, 3 of them. Tony says
"ten second main event" again. Man, I'm going to turn to RAW in the last
quarter hour 'cause I'm afraid I might MISS that main event if I'm
watching Nitro! Meanwhile, Saturn's been tagged in and he's continued the
damage on Kanyon. Chops (woooo!), and kicks to the side of the head.
Kanyon crumples. Tag to Raven. Boot to the head, snapmare. Fans are
more interested in something else (is some girl showing her tits again?)
Chair in the ring. Kanyon placed on the top - Kanyon blocks the attempt
and takes Raven's head to the chair. Both men down, Horace looks like he
has to pee, he wants that tag so bad. Referee "Blind" Mickey Jay counts
to 9 until Raven's up - tag to Horace. It's all Horace. 1, 2, no.
'nother slam from Horace. To the top he goes - big splash! 1, 2, Saturn
makes the save. Now Kanyon is in. Raven and Saturn have a meeting of the
minds in the middle. Raven whipped onto Saturn in the corner - Horace
follows. Saturn "accidentally" headbutts Raven in the groin as he falls
down. 1, 2, Saturn saves. Horace and Kanyon with a doubleteam I KNOW
I've seen before but have forgotten the name of - 1, 2, Saturn kicks out.
Horace continues on Saturn and tags Kanyon. Doubleteam lasts forever.
Kanyon with the faceslam from the shoulders. Here's the stop sign - tag
to Horace. If you can see what's coming, raise your hand. Right, Kanyon
holds Saturn until the very last minute, and Horace smacks his own partner
with the sign. Saturn hits the Spicolli driver for the pin (8:03). Now
THE FLOCK has made their way to the ring. Raven - are you ready for this?
- gives Saturn the Evenflow. OK, now the Flock's got Saturn - Kidman
tries to stop Raven but gets an Evenflow for his troubles. Now Horace is
taking Saturn - "I want him!" - and delivers a full nelson slam on Saturn.
Raven forgives him - no, wait, that's another Evenflow. That's the mind
control thing, right? I need a scorecard. Ben Gay (heh heh) sponsors the
replay.
WCW tickets on sale Firday for Boston and Norfolk. This week see WCW in
Green Bay and Rockford!
Oh boy, WOLFPACK'S in da house! Oh boy, Bobby Heenan is out so he can
howl along with the music! Tony says something about TNT bringing you
live wrestling EVERY Monday (but not every Thursday). Man, they seem
really defensive this week. I can't believe I raved about this show last
week. Boy, I love it when they say "is most definitely in the house."
Sting says he's looking forward to WarGames and that he's red and black 4
life - except when becomes the moody, angry...no, I guess they changed
their minds about that. K-Dawg speak on dis and mispronounces "bout it
bout it" so the fans can say "rowdy rowdy" (there, I said it, stop writing
me when I type "bowdy") Nash promises that WarGames will be the end of
the Black and White as we know it. The fans all eat this up. Nash says
"2 sweet."
The Awesome 3 discuss the giant Giant/Goldberg main event, then turn to
the "big surprise." Crowd randomly cheers another girl lifting her top -
okay, I'm guessing. Or dreaming. Or...
SCOTT NORTON (with Vincenzo) v. POLISH PIRATE SCOTT PUTSKI - Norton didn't
even let Putski take off his pirate shirt. He DID let Putski execute a
neckbreaker, then a kick and a hiptoss, but then he shrugs off a dropkick
and hits the powerbomb for the pin (1:01). You know, if this were the
WWF, that match would apparently be ten seconds long.
Clip from Saturday Night has Curt Hennig telling Dean Malenko he doesn't
have what it takes to be a Horseman.
Tony mentions THUNDER! on Thursday but fails to tell us that it's taped
and will probably only have a ten second main event. The NWO theme plays
and here's YOU KNOW WHO again, along with CRACKA EAZY-E and BOOTY
DISCIPLE. Didn't these guys *already* have interview time to begin this
show? Bischoff talks, Hogan talks, I get bored. "Who is out there that
Hollywood can't handle?" Hogan calls himself the God of wrestling and
says there's not a wrestler he can't beat, there's not a war he can't win,
and (uh oh) there's not a warrior in the world that he can't beat. Well,
if it's gonna happen it'll happen now. Cheesy electricity sound effects -
the lights go out - spotlights sweep the arena - that mumbling is
unmistakable - a long figure comes out of the entranceway - the fans cheer
loudly - Hogan's jaw drops. Well, yes, it's MR. DESTRUCITY come back to
kill us all. "Talk to me, Waryrs!" Dare I even try to transcribe the
coming tongue twister? "Feel the real power, Hogaaaaan!" I guess his
name is "the Warrior" tonight. Hogan: "I-I thought you were dead." Huge
"War-ri-or" chant. "Who holds the absolute power now, Hollywood Hogan?
Unleash that raising voice, Waryrs!" It should be noted that the pauses
in between sentences are long enough for me to type these long sentences
between what Warrior's saying. Now even Tony has to talk to fill the
space. "Seems as if no formal introduction is gonna be necessary!"
Warrior walks around between sentenves, too. "Actually, it even seems as
if there are those who anticipated my arrival!" Only the ones with the
signs... Hogan removes his NWO shirt and offers it to Warrior. "What is
that smell? You might want to use it to clean up the mess you just made
all over yourself! You need to open your eyes and ears, take control of
the limited ability you have to understand the words I am about to say.
For years, I have watched while this industry, with you as it's
figurehead, has tried to create what is simply un-re-cre-at-able. I have
heard, listened to all the innuendos and speculation that something
ULTIMATE or WARRIOR may soon reappear. Welcome to the reappearance! [I
replayed it five times to figure out that word - the closed captioning
folks never did, poor suckers - sounded like "Reel Pants" - and Bischoff
is STILL somehow mouthing along with what Warrior's saying!] Those things,
Hogan, which are irreplacable, whether they be people, places, or things,
are never forgotten. You are witnessing that - RIGHT NOW! [Closed
captioning reveals that Bobby is actually "Larry" - this IS another giant
pause, thank you] History tells us, Hogan... ["Hogan sucks" chant is
rekindled - but stops cold when Warrior raises his hand] Let's talk about
something he doesn't know! History tells us, Hogan, that a man's legacy
is build from the premise that within his life the moments lived, once
lived, become a piece of his history. Somehow, you have conveniently,
even eloquently, misplaced pieces of your history. In the one time,
epochal battle between us, Hogan, you were the quintessential influence of
what was good, great, and heroic. But different than you may remember,
and albeit you may have beaten myths, legends, giants, and other great
men, you never - never - beat a Warrior. AND, certainly, not THE ULTIMATE
ONE! As a victor of that one-time battle, I defeated what was, until
then, undefeatable. I conquered what was then unconquerable. I dominated
what was, until then, indomitable. On that day, you were great. I was
ULTIMATE! Let me introduce myself, to those two fools that stand behind
you. Let's see, this - dude [Disciple] - must be your Barber. And who
are you, little man? Who are you?" "You know who I am, my name is Eric
Bischoff and I run this company. Who invited you?" "Ha ha ha ha ha
[etc]...different than you want to make people believe, I never received
an invitation, I showed up on my own accord, and let me tell you, Mr. Eric
Bischoff, if you stick your nose in my business, you only, very quickly,
prepare for your own demise. Furthermore, when I get down with my
business here, I'm going to be sending you a bill. I suggest you pay it.
I have waited patiently. The WARYRS have waited all too patiently. Now -
NOW - the virtue of justice unties my hands so that I can continue to
fulfill a destiny set in motion upon that memorable day years ago - a
destiny at the next level - a destiny beckoning the next Super Hero.
There really is no sadder sight than when a grown man fears the challenges
in his life so much that he rationalises adolescent behaviour to the point
where he carries out heinous and self-indulgent actions - YOUR evilness,
the evilness you embody and portray, is intolerable. I am the one that
has the power to destroy you. It's source, Hogan, the truth, is
inexhaustable. I come here, not to beat you up tonight, Hogan [crowd
boos] - beating you means nothing anymore. Everybody already has. No no
no no no no no, that's too easy. Because you felt guilty for being who
you were. Your mind became weak and Hulkamania became boring. I come
here, Hogan, to tell you next week I intend to launch a revolution not
even YOU can control. I ask you to find the courage - check it out - next
week, same Warrior time, same Warrior place, same Warrior channel (snort).
The screens in the arena go whitenoise - a lot of CO2 goes off, and he
*vanishes*, or as Tony says "literally vaporises before our very eyes."
The Bat-signal is displayed - but with Warrior's symbol.
I know I'll get in trouble for saying this, but - I liked Eddie's speech a
*little* bit better.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - where the Warrior disappears.
Several camera angles - how'd they do that? Tony says "literally
evaporates," which is almost as dumb as literally vaporising. Tony
speculates that THIS is DDP's shocker. I'm still going to hold out for
the Genius.
Hey, look - it's the Nitro girls! That last segment was so long, we'll
make this one extra short!
WCW/NWO magazine ad. This month: a close look at the pyro guy! Must have
been a slow news month. I wonder if they ask him how he gets psychic with
stuff like the Warrior showing up out of nowhere.
Closed captioning brought to you by Compu$erve! It can be REALLY
entertaining during those slow interviews.
CURTRICK HENNIGRUDE v. DEAN MALENKO - just for kicks, they ring the bell
to start the match, THEN take an ad break.
When we come back, it appears we've missed nothing - Dean is pulling
Hennig into the ring. TV-PG-DV. In a startling display of long-term
memory, commentators recall that Hennig turned on the Horsemen to join the
NWO at last year's WarGames. Tony says "take a breath" so I take one of
Tony's. Back and forth match with nothing but Warrior commentary. Sign
in crowd says "What's on RAW?" Tony apologises to Hennig and Malenko and
takes about Warrior some more. Rude interferes from ringside while Hennig
discusses Monica Lewinsky with referee "Blind" Charles Robinson. Dean
manages a comeback and looks to the crowd - who doesn't respond in the
slightest. Malenko punches away as if he has the fire inside him, the
passion that...aw, screw this. Russian legsweep (that move is POPULAR!)
and Malenko floats over for 2. Suplex by Malenko. Tony mentions a "ten
second main event on that taped program" again. What WAS that main event,
anyway? Malenko tries the Tejas Cloverleaf but Hennig makes it to the
ropes. Rude is up on the apron, yeah. Malenko gets a shot in on Rude but
Hennig hits him as he turns around, then he whips Malenko into Rude's knee
- Malenko goes out and Rude gets ANOTHER shot in on Malenko, then he's
thrown back in for the Hennigplex and the pin (8:27 including deadweight
ad break) Tony says "it took the team, it took the unit, in the face of
the incredible appearance of the Warrior, to defeat Malenko." What the
HELL?
Promotional consideration paid for by David sunflower seeds, Dan Marino's
house of mortgages, Mead ***** School Supplies, and Total Hair Fitness.
Okay.
Third hour FIREWORKS!
SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER & BUFF BAGWELL are out with a "doctor" - Steiner
has fully half of his body taped up (the left half). Bagwell talks (not
enough), and Steiner talks (too much). Steiner's doctor CECIL SCHWARTZ,
is doing a damn fine Jim Ignatowski impersonation. "Right on!" Upshot is
that Steiner is just too hurt to wrestle his brother. After what seems
like forever, RICK STEINER appears at the entrance and starts running down
his brother and his "girlfriend." Watch Scott lipsynch Rick's interview.
Rick's barking reminds me of Superfly Sunka for some reason. Anyway,
they're going to fight at Fall Brawl, you know.
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Tony hypes WCW's version of wrestling
buddies - "Bashing Brawlers" - you hit 'em and they talk back. For those
of you playing along at home, complete the following sentence: "And when
you hit Raven in the crotch, he says ___________."
Nitro Party Mug Root Beer call for tapes.
CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (with Pepe) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. STEVIE RAY in a
Triangle match for the WCW World Television Title - apparently, Booker T.
violated the 30-day clause and the Chavo/Stevie match was supposed to be
for the title - of course, Jericho took Chavo's place and the rest is
history. Props to WCW for not calling it a "Triple Threat match" this
week. Funny moment has Jericho convincing Chavo to team up with him
against Stevie Ray. They doublewhip Stevie and Jericho pushes Chavo into
Ray, who gets clotheslined. Jericho with the "arrogant cover" which
Stevie Ray breaks up with a big kick, Jericho goes out. Stevie throws
Chavo on top of Jericho. Back in, Chavo with a splash for 2, Jericho
makes the save. Jericho tries to convince Chavo to team up again - Chavo
appears to go along with it but dropkicks Jericho. Whip into the corner,
flying punch. Sprinboard bulldog. 1, 2, Stevie breaks it up. Chavo and
Stevie Ray have a discussion - Stevie grabs Chavo's fist - Jericho breaks
it up. Now Jericho and Chavo are fighting over pinfall attempts. Stevie
takes control of both of them. Double suplex and Stevie goes down.
Double dropkick from the top. Chavo covers, Jericho breaks it up with a
dropkick to Chavo's head. Too much happening in this match - Stevie Ray
collides with referee "Blind" Mickey Jay. With the ref down, Stevie Ray
reaches down for the blackjack in his tights (not what you think, you
lech) and decks Jericho. Now Chavo's in with a sleeper. Somehow
Stevie gets him off - we're looking at GIANT, who is out to chokeslam
Stevie Ray. Giant leaves and Jay comes to, and the count is on. Crowd
chants "Goldberg" unaware of the story taking place in the ring. At 7,
Chavo is up, but Jericho grabs Jay so he can't see it. Chavo ends up
staggering out of the ring. Jericho, now up, encourages Jay to finish the
count, and for the first time I've ever seen in my life, a ref starts up
where he left off, DOES get to ten, and Jericho wins (KO 5:24) - of
course, if Chavo had won, would he have gotten the belt? Replay shows the
blackjack from a better camera angle, it TOTALLY whiffed live. Giant
chokeslams Stevie. Jericho distracts the ref. Jay hits ten for a rare
non-COR CO. Yeah. Anyway...
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight Where Warrior Disappears.
BRET HART v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE for the WCW United States Heavyweight
Championship - Champ enters first, to his own music this week. Oh I see,
we need an ad break before Page enters.
This portion of Nitro is brought to you by 10-10-321!
"Property of NWO" T-shirt ad - how DOES Konnan squeeze in those "arriba la
razas" during these ads?
THUNDER! ad.
As Diamond Dallas Page enters, Tony talks about "ten seconds of wrestling"
again. You know, last week on RAW, the ONLY wrestling they HAD was the
main event and it was over fourteen minutes. They must not be talking
about RAW after all. Well, here we go. Lockup, DDP with a knee, an
elbow, another elbow, a punch, arm drag, shoulder block, headlock - I
think that's every move Page knows! Belly-to-belly suplex for 2. Hart
evades the Diamond Cutter attempt and leaves the ring. Page follows and
waffles him from behind. Hart meets one barricade, then the other. Hart
meets the steps. Stomp. Hart thrown back in and he's begging off. Page
with an elbow in the corner. Another elbow. Knees, whip hard into the
corner. Tony can't stop talking about RAW, I'm going to go see what
they're showing. Suplex for 2. Page climbs the turnbuckles for the ten
punch count along, but Hart hits him in a sensitive area. Snake Eyes by
Hart and it looks ten times better than any time Nash did it. Stomp on
the abs, stompin'. Hart pats referee "Blind" Nick Patrick on the back
after a five count. Thumbs up! Hart to the punches in bunches, again he
stops at 4. Got him by the hair, facerake on the top rope. Hart with the
suplex - inside cradle by Page for 2. Rake of the face by Hart. Russian
leg sweep for 2. Field goal kick in the ribs. Backbreaker. Must be time
for the elbow from the second rope, yeah there it is. 1, 2, kickout.
Page punches back but with yet another facerake. Choke on the second rope
by Hart - he breaks at 4 because he's SMART. "DDP" chant resonates
strongly through the arena - aw, I'm lying. Whip into the turnbuckle hard
and Page folds in half on his way down. Hart stands on the neck and
breaks at 4. Page is in a heap - Hart pulls him up for the piledriver.
1, 2, kickout. Hart has a problem with Patrick's count. Return to the
kicks for Hart. Somehow, Page gets himself up off the canvas and it's
second wind time. Lotsa punches and a knee. Punch, clothesline by page.
To the top rope? Clothesline from the top! 1, 2, kickout. Page with a
pancake for 2. Elbow smash. Whip, reversal, into the ref. Hart has the
international object. Big roundhouse and Page falls TIMBER. Patrick is
up - Hart has pulled Page on top of himself - 1, 2, Hart kicks out. This
is the exact same ending as the Benoit match but the commentators seem to
have forgotten that one - too bad. Hart with a head to the lower abs and
a Scorpion Deathlock - Page manages to get to the ropes (although it looks
like he taps out not once but TWICE). Hart with the big stomps. Hart
picks up Hart - no, Diamond Cutter! Hart's foot is under the ropes, but
Patrick doesn't notice it until 2. Page wants to deliver another Diamond
Cutter. But Patrick is checking Hart - and Hart is complaining about a
punch to the head with a loaded fist. "Check his tights." Of course,
Patrick finds the knux and has no choice but to award the match to Hart.
(DQ 12:02). Now THAT'S a story. Hart is the man.
Wolfpack T-shirt! Buy buy buy!
Fall Brawl features WarGames and it's 13 September!
Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they've got Wrestling Buddies! Man,
Page is one ugly doll. Hey, Sting's wearing black'n'white! Hey, Savage
doesn't have a gimp knee!
MICHAEL BUFFER is out to kill a little time because we're not close enough
to the top of the hour. Hey Tony, this match better not be ten seconds or
I'll never invite you to my house again.
ONE MORE TIME Tony talks about the "competitor's main event didn't even
last as long as Buffer's introduction." What the HELL is he talking
about? Let's look at the last few RAW main events.
10.8 Four-way tag team title match - 14:30
3.8 Undertaker/Austin v. Owen/Rock - 11:13
27.7 Undertaker/Austin v. Outlaws - 8:something
20.7 Kane/Mankind v. Steve Austin - 4:55
13.7 Kane/Mankind v. Outlaws - 8:07
6.7 Undertaker v. Mankind v. Kane - 2:17
That last one is CLOSE, but still 13.7 times as long as ten seconds. It
also took place six weeks ago. I'm stymied. I'm mystified. I just DON'T
get it. Tony is a FUCKING IDIOT.
NO-SMOKIN' GIANT (with Booty Disciple) v. (bill "131-0") GOLDBERG for the
WCW World Heavyweight Championship - okay, the "main event." Giant with
headbutts, slap on the chest. Goldberg punches back. Giant with
headbutt. Giant with a bodyslam. Goldberg no-sells. Kick to the gut by
Goldberg and a scoop slam. Well, the crowd digs it anyway. Lockup, Giant
with a knee to the gut, pounding the man down. To the corner, repeated
knees by the Giant. Russian leg sweep (?!?). Goldberg gets up a bit more
slowly. Giant with headbutt. Another headbutt. Giant throws him to the
floor to the Disciple. Goldberg blocks a punch and lets loose with one of
his own. Disciple sure looks weak. Now the double team is on. Giant
picks up Goldberg but Goldberg slips out and pushes Giant into the
ringpost. Giant back in the ring. Goldberg is following - Giant with yet
another headbutt. Suplex in? Oh but yes. Goldberg stands up first.
Spear. Oh well, it was a nice little match while it lasted. Disciple is
in to cause the DQ (Hey Tony, fuck you again.) Goldberg jackhammers
Disciple (I guess he can't jackhammer the Giant and the crowd needs to see
ONE of them). SCOTT HALL is out to add a little insult to injury. KEVIN
NASH is out to provide assistance becuase he and Goldberg are buddies.
Unfortunately, he holds Hall and - yep, Hall pulls away at the last minute
and *Nash* get speared. He pops up and bumps chests with Goldberg and we
fade out.
(DQ entrance 3:16 [how odd], match 3:25)
Hmmm, you wanna guess which fed has LONGER main events, Tony, you fat
prick who doesn't deserve to live? Oops, guess I can't work for WCW now.
Ha! God bless wrestlemaniacs.com! God bless MiCasa! God bless Scaia!
Thank you, and GOOD NIGHT!
Just in case you were curious:
10.8 Goldberg v. Meng entrance 2:30, match 2:07
3.8 Giant/Hall v. Sting/Hart 6:28
27.7 Hogan v. Page 4:16
20.7 Hart v. Page (Page injured) 2:50
13.7 Goldberg v. Hennig entrance 3:13, match 1:22
6.7 Hogan v. Goldberg entrance 3:50, match 8:11
Oh, Tony? Fuck you.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
chris@kzim.com
Miss a week? Check out the CRZ Archives at
http://www.aimnet.com/~kzim/ - Just look for the WM logo!