PICTURE OF THE WEEK: An unnamed benefactor took the liberty of procuring
this photo personally addressed to
me. Call me skeptical, but I don't REALLY think that's a legit signature.
HEY LISTEN UP WCW: The FINISH of the MAIN EVENT affects the ENTIRE
PERCEPTION of the WHOLE FREAKIN' PAY PER VIEW. You need an example? Take
away McMahon's table bump and Wight's appearance from the St. Valentine's
Day Massacre, take away David Flair's ski mask and taser, and SuperBrawl
KICKS WWF ASS. But GOD. I mean, we all knew TWO weeks ago that this was
how things were going to go but none of us DARE EVEN SPOKE OR THOUGHT
because we so *desperately* wanted something, ANYTHING else to happen. Of
course, it didn't. NOW all we have left as wrestling fans (and by "we,"
of course, I mean "me and that guy over there") is the thin strand of hope
to cling to that all the NONSENSE that took place last night on the dime
of the customer would SOMEHOW make sense in a larger picture after we
watched tonight's show. The problem is, so many people have been holding
their collective breath for so long that people have been DROPPING like
flies around here. Who's next? Who's LEFT?
MORE WCW STUPIDITY: Geez, don't they have anything BETTER to do then sue
Sean Shannon and the NWWWO? I mean,
how LAME can you get? I haven't heard about anything this dumb happening
since Island and U2 went out of their way to try to destroy Negativland.
It's just so TOTALLY not worth pursuing and you can't help but think about
what that energy could be accomplishing put to better use. (Of course, I
could say the same thing about the NWWWO - ooops, I mean somebody else
could say that - umm, yeah, I think Hyatte said that! It was Hyatte! Go
get him, Shannon! And don't forget to unnecessarily trash Bret Hart and
rec.sport.pro-wrestling.* for me!)
TV-PG-DV Here's some stills of that tragedy that was SuperBrawl IX - where
a white-hot Oak-town crowd just got quieter - and quieter - and quieter as
the night went on. Hear Tony for the first time mention the mysterious
camera babe by saying we'd seen her "so many times on this program" (how
would HE know?) and watch David Flair surprise no one by being the
mysterious camera man. It's just SO sad.
We are LIVE from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, CA - home of the NBA Kings
(slogan: "You Must Take Us Seriously This Year") 22.2.99 for WCW Monday
Nitro - we have new World Tag Team Champions (ALSO the ones nobody want)
and your hosts, Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry
Zbyszko, are all over how disappointing David Flair acted. Tonight, Flair
and Flair have a confrontation, oh boy. There's even a special set for
this confrontation - matching checkerboard sofas and all. Can it get
RIKI RACHTMAN ("Hey, I used to be on MTV! REmember me?) is somewhere at
Cal Berkeley (slogan: "Stanford Beats Us Every Year") at a Nitro Party -
if only I'd KNOWN...I could have STILL stayed home. Apparently, as part
of Cinn-A-Burst's Spring Breakout, we're going to have to endure this for
six weeks! Feel the Burst!
Big ol' long clip of fun and games at Cal. I've spent a lot of time
walking around that campus, and I SEEM to remember it being more fun than
a Nitro party. But then, I never had Spice autograph my bicep either.
Hmmm... let me get back to you on that.
Clip from "Konnan's Second Music Video" because this is what Hell is like.
This portion of the Monday Nitro cavalcade of interviews, promos and
special video looks is brought to you by Baby Ruth! Ooh, Baby!
Nitro Girls calendar ad
And here's the REST of the Nitro Girls! Boy, if I'd paid to see Nitro
Live, I'd be PISSED that I only get Jazz, Tygress, Chae and Storm!
Coming up later tonight, a NITRO GIRL SWIMSUIT EXPOSE! (Where it is
exposed that they can't...oh NEVER MIND) And also we'll see Rey Mysterio
Jr. without his mask. FIREWORKS!
Last night, of course, for the truly stupid, money could be spent on
SuperBrawl IX. If you HAD paid for it, you probably would have seen Bam
Bam Bigelow and Goldberg move a BIT faster than in these still frames -
although admittedly not much.
JERRY (It is my Lightning Foot destiny to open every Nitro) FLYNN v. (Not
in Disorderly Conduct) MEAN MIKE ENOS - Tony: "Many of you saw the Tonight
Show with Jay Leno on Friday night when Goldberg laid out that big
challenge - and it's very apparent out there that there's a lot of people
out there that try to talk the talk, but when push comes to shove, they
can't walk the walk." What the HELL is he talking about? By the way,
Calista Flockhart IS Karen Carpenter. How uncomfortable was it to watch
HER that night? His suspension over, referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson is
back in the ring as the third man. Coming up later, Tony Schiavone
mediates a meeting between David and Ric Flair which can only have the
inensity of a Maury Povich show (thought I'd say Springer, didn'tcha).
Flynn rolls through an Enos scoop slam into a cross arm breaker, and Enos
taps. (4:17) What, you wanted play by play? Sign in crowd: I LOVE JERRY
FLYNN'S MULLET. Well, hell, so do I.
Backstage, Torrie Wilson tells David Flair she's so proud of him. We
don't actually know she's Torrie Wilson, but Gene mentioned the name on
Saturday Night, so there you go. David says he's gonna make sure Ric
knows it's his time to shine now.
By the way, wasn't it INCREDIBLY annoying to hear Scott Hudson and Larry
Zbyszko go ON AND ON about how they were waiting for a "note from the
Executive Committee" to announce an additional SuperBrawl match, only to
hear them bring up a Return Dress match Gene had already mentioned an
ENTIRE HOUR earlier in the show? Oops. You'd think, having SO MUCH TIME
to edit together a Saturday Night show, SOMEBODY would be on the ball over
there. And also, I have no life for spending a Saturday afternoon
watching two hours of WCW on TV.
TCI locally promos Uncensored here.
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers ("Yousmashedmy
- HEAD!"), Slim Jim, Sudden Change Scam Cream, America (ha!) Online, Hot
Pockets and Aqua Velva IceSport - oh, the smell of it
Backstage, Gene O. is with Booker T. The Harlem Hangover is back, baby,
it's gone be one like neckbone. Tonight, Bret Hart takes on Booker T. in
a match which Gene suggests might determine the #1 Contender for Scott
Hall's United States Championship. The knee is 100%, OGB, now can you dig
it. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! "Sucka" is not said.
More with Riki Rachtman at 1-800-CAL-I-mean-COLLECT. He's "proud to be
part of the Nitro family." You mean he's gonna be there PERMANENTLY? We
meet the winner of a Panama City trip, Marco oh who cares.
Backstage, Vince welcomes back Scott Norton from Japan. Vince tells
Norton that he's in charge of the black & white, and Norton seems
skeptical. Hey, Vince, I thought Hollywood asked you to keep it SECRET!
Let's watch this scene from "Mortal Kombat" featuring - damn, who is that
guy? I seem to recall him being on Nitro once...oh, yeah, it's Wrath! Too
bad he's ready to sign with the other company and can't be pushed or on
Nitro anymore...except, of course, in a clip from a show following...
TCI is now advertising a Backstreet Boys concert that happened two weeks
ago. What is this, cable for people with time machines?
Closed captioning delivered courtesy Western Union!
Scott Steiner - Diamond Dallas Page - Kimberly Page - I feel like I've
taken this special video look before...but it's a bit new, as they tack on
the statement from the lawyer and also Steiner adding the stipulation last
week on THUNDER! that if he won, he'd get Kimberly for 30 days. This is
what folks in the business call "storyline progression." After this
rolls, Tony says "well, nobody ever agreed to that stipulation in WCW!"
which means somebody realised it was a stupid thing to do and they
retroactively rewrote the script. Well, give 'em a point.
FAR OUT VAN HAMMER v. BAM BAM BIGELOW - Rather than talk about THIS match,
Tony mentions that later tonight, we'll see more of Konnan's New Crappy
Music Video, the Nitro Girls Exposed (or something) and Tony Schiavone's
Very Special Intervention Betwixt Father and Son. Oh, and maybe also some
wrestling. I think the funniest sign I saw last night at SuperBrawl said
"DENAIR IS NWO COUNTRY." No, it isn't. I mean, there's LOCAL flavour and
then there's taking it too far, come on. Denair. Denair is a suburb of
TURLOCK, for crying out loud. Gimme a break. What, you wanted play by
play? Bigelow says "sucks" and it gets by the TNT censor. This match
goes on for like an hour - the commentary team actually RUNS out of things
to talk about and has to start talking about Hak - what the hell kinda
name is Hak anyway? Hammer misses a big boot in the corner (causing him
to loudly exclaim "Bummer!") and walks into the Greetings from Asbury Park
for the pinfall. I can't BELIEVE they got nine minutes. (9:02)
WCW Monday Nitro Spring Breakout is brought to you by Cinn-A-Burst and
1-800-COLLECT! In case you were wondering.
Sign in crowd: "ARCO SERVES MINORS" - that's funny on many levels.
Here's the Road to Spring Break Out bus - featuring Buff Bagwell and Scott
Steiner pickin' up chicks or something. Apparently some blonde steals
their Humvee and we'll catch up next week in Rahleigh for more of their
In a clip that is probably not supposed to be part of that last clip, but
who can tell, anyway? Goldberg is posing for photos - Scott Steiner walks
in and talks some smack, then leaves. Goldberg says one day he's gonna
beat him up or something.
Who's next? You're next! Next to play WCW/NWO THUNDER! on your
Last night on SuperBrawl, some stills were taken in the Piper/Hall United
States title bout. "Piper used the atomic drop, many other exciting
moves..." Oh shut up, Tony. These stills actually show more motion
than...wait, I already used that joke earlier.
BRET CLARKE v. BOOKER T. to determine the #1 contender to the United
States Championship - well, FINALLY, fifty minutes into the show,
something I can get up for. So if Hart puts BT over here NOW, what was
the point of Hart refusing to drop the title to him a few short weeks
back? I guess by watching how this match goes we'll REALLY have a pretty
good idea of where Hart fits in with the big bookers' plans, won't we? I
think Hart said "hi" to his cat in here, too. "Feeling out process" to
start. Finally they lock up, to the corner, clean break. Hart complains
that T's greased up. Tony refers to a clip of backstage activity! Maybe
they're coming around? Lockup, wristlock by T, wrenching the arm around,
Hart rolls to the mat, nips up and reverses into a hammerlock of his own.
T with a back elbow - Hart walks outside and works every fan in the front
row. T offers to part the ropes for Hart, but nothing doing. Hart back
in after referee "Blind" Charles Robinson backs him up. T puts some moves
together and we end up with a side headlock. Hart tries to push out, off
the ropes, shoulderblock, armdrag takeover and Hart AGAIN rolls to the
outside. Hart's MO lately has been the big stall at the start - which
works but only when you get a LOT of time to develop the match. Back in,
lockup, to the corner, reverse, Tony says "Sting" as Hart lays into T with
some rights. Right to the jaw is I would say "deliberate." By which I
mean slow. Snapmare. In the centre of the ring, rear chinlock by Hart.
Crowd is NOT chanting "boring," which is a testament to Hart's ability to
get across a story to the fans. Have I built up Hart enough for you yet?
Ha ha. Back up, Hart keeps Booker T. from getting control - to the
corner, several blows, blatant choke. To the opposite corner, T FINALLY
reverses and gains control. Follow lariat. Whip into opposite corner and
follow lariat again. T. pulls him out, there's a kick, there's an axe
kick, 1, 2, no. Crowd is fairly rabid. T to the armbar and calling to
Now, for absolutely NO reason at all, we cut to a split screen with the
satellite truck, where Disco Inferno talks to the satellite guy. The NWO
is gonna pirate the satellite signal around 10:50 or 11, and the satellite
guy is gonna fix it for them. Coincidentally, it's time for RAW to start.
THIS is gonna keep people glued to the set? I really think they'd have
done better sticking with Booker T. and Bret Hart.
Speaking of which, Hart has a near fall as I spy a "WATCH RAW" sign in the
first row. Tony talks about the clip, then as if to say hi to me, says
"Somebody say something here - am I the only one that saw that?" Okay,
okay, you've let me know you're addressing the madness. Thank you, WCW.
But cut to backstage footage during the nine minute Bigelow/Hammer match
instead of this one, huh? Side Russian legsweep for 2. Tony speculates
that Disco had scheduled this cut 'cause he didn't want us to see Booker
T. wrestle and they ALMOST win me over with that story. But I'm not
buyin'. Hart takes Booker T. out to the floor and pounds away - T fires
back - again - Hart has a chair and there's a shot to the gut. Headbutt
to the small of the back, repeat. Hart rolls him back in and fires up the
crowd with a single look. He's the Master! Side backbreaker. 1, 2, no.
Head to the lower abs. Later tonight, Tony tries to mediate between
father and son on a very special Nitro. To the corner, semi-blatant
choke. Tony announces that he'll have to leave the booth to get ready for
that interview (thank GOD). Booker T. puts up an elbow to stop a charging
Hart and both men are down. Both men up at 7 - face rake by Hart. Tony
calls him "Stevie Ray" 'cause he's racist and they all look alike. Side
suplex by Hart and Tony's outta here. Legdrop by Hart. Another legdrop
as Tenay actually attempts a little play-by-play, shocking the ears of the
entire audience. Hart holds onto the ropes, and goes up and down with the
boot. I think something was muted there. Scorpion Deathlock is applied a
wee bit too close to the ropes - before it's on, T pulls the hair rolls
through into a small package for 2. Hart kicks a field goal with T's
midsection. Face rake on the rope by Hart. Kidney punch. Scoop and a
slam. FIGURE FOUR! T is doing the cool writhing thing - 2 count while
the shoulders are down. Crowd is BEGGING for T to get out of it. T
raises the fist and the crowd goes nuts. T tries to roll - but no.
Another 2 count for Hart. T tries again for a roll - and does! Hart
immediately grabs the rope and the hold is broken. Both men slow to get
up - Hart is up now, and T isn't. Hart back to the choke for 4. Elbow to
the back of the head by Hart. Whip off the rope, T ducks, flying
jalapeno! Hart is up but meets a boot to the gut, then a spinning heel
kick. T calls to the crowd. Sidewalk slam (called "side slam" by Tenay
in a compromise) - breakdance by T, let's raise the roof (or move along
the story) - Hart pops up and gets T crotched on the top rope - Hart up -
SUPERPLEX!!! Both men down and crowd is hot. Hart BARELY up at 9.
Sharpshooter is applied as Hart waves "bye-bye" to the crowd. But they're
too close to the ropes and T holds on to the bottom rope. Hart won't let
the hold go until Robinson says 5, BARELY beating the count. Hart driving
with two buttdrops onto the lower back, using the ropes for extra impact.
Picking him up, Hart whips - T reverses - Sunset flip attempt by Hart is
reversed as T sits back down and hooks the legs - 1, 2, 3!!!!!!!! Booker
T. is the #1 Contender. (17:43) Is there ANY chance a Booker T./Scott
Hall match will be this good? And where can Hart go from here? Oh, the
bittersweet life of a wrestling fan...
One more shot of the Flair set - Schiavone tests out his mic. I wonder if
any of that furniture will get broken...
WCW/NWO Magazine ad
Another clip of "Konnan's Brand New Music Video" - we'll watch it in it's
entirety later tonight. And I might say something amusing.
Still shots of last night's big pelo contra mascara match which saw Lex
Luger on the outside, yet still managing to help Hall & Nash get the best
of Mysterio and Konnan and remove the mask of Rey Mysterio, Jr. so we
don't get bald Liz. (Yeah, who thought THAT would happen, huh?) Later
tonight, another Nash/Mysterio mismatch.
DISCO INFER-NWO v. GLACIER HAYASHIRYU - David Penzer: "Ladies and
gentlemen, because this match involves international competition, the
Disco Inferno would like you to please rise so he may sing the National
Anthem!" GOD DAMMIT, that's MY gimmick! YOU tell me they aren't going
out of their WAY to appeal to me this week. Disco's mic is unmercifully
cut short. Kaz Hayashi bought Glacier's outfit at a THUNDER! flea market
a while back, okay. Sign in crowd: "VACAVILLE IN THE HOUSE" I didn't
even pick up on the fact that Tony was back at the commentary table but
the mic check must be done. Kaz does a sweet no-hands tope over the top
rope and I guess *I* should start paying attention to this match.
Hayashi with a dropkick to the back of the had to a seated Disco. Rear
chinlock, Inferno elbows out. Dropkick from Kaz. Off the ropes, Disco
holds on and Kaz hits the mat. BIG lariat and Kaz lands RIGHT on his
head. DAMN. After a strut, Disco only gets 2. Slam. Second rope forearm
drop but only 2. Disco to the rear chinlock. We're up, we're elbowing
out. Off the ropes, Hayashi with a Sunset flip for 2. Disco comes back
with a vertical suplex. Off the ropes, something flubbed, Hayashi comes
off the ropes with a spinning heel kick. Disco tries a powerbomb, but
Hayashi counters and comes down with a Rocker dropper. Pickup -
backbreaker - Hayashi to the top turnbuckle - senton with nothing but mat.
Disco with the swinging neckbreaker, Chartbuster, and pin. (6:03)
Brian Adams tells Scott Norton that Hollywood made him the man. Scott
stifles a grin to himself and goes along with it. Adams does a better job
with this than Vincent did. Not that it really matters - this is like
choosing which plague you'd like to die of.
Hey look, it's (some of) the Nitro Girls! Bobby Heenan joins the
commentators at the commentary table.
Oh, boy! Another shot of that exciting CAL Nitro Party! They're doing da
LIMBO! And Whisper chews Cinn-A-Burst!
Aw we gaze 'pon the Awesome 3, we see that Bobby Heenan is openly
brandishing his "WCW/NWO Magazine Reader's Choice Award" for Best
Announcer. Then they talk some more about Ric and David because it's
probably the least interesting thing they could talk about.
Then again...SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER & BUFF IS THE STUFF make their way to
the ring as we learn that Diamond Dallas Page has been written out of the
script for a little while. Steiner brings a chick into the ring with him.
Sorry, that's one of his hooches. Something is muted that probably wasn't
what the TNT censor thought it was. Steiner AGAIN says he gets Kimberly
for 30 days despite Tony saying it's not true. Steiner says that Kimberly
will call him "Big Bad Booty Daddy." While DDP will be lying on his back,
Kimberly will be lying on HER back....okay, that's enough. Hmmm, after
the music starts up Steiner says "I'm not done yet!" and then goes on for
a bit more. He's taken out his brother, he's taken out Page, he mentions
Sting for no good reason, and says the only man left is Goldberg.
Goldberg, you're next! This time "hoo-" gets censored for no good reason.
Steiner says he's challenging Goldberg - TONIGHT! Oh boy! Let's lock up
the television title!
Another clip from that music video I'm NOT gonna want to see by the time
they show it - most likely in the third hour
Bruise Cruise ad. Tony drops some names for the first time - Disco
Inferno, Kidman, Perry Saturn, Diamond Dallas Page, and a special
autograph session with Goldberg! But whatever will Saturn WEAR?
Still shots from the tag team finals, where the Horsemen took the first
fall, but Windham & Hennig used devious means to immediate take the second
fall. Tony announces that there was a melee following that match last
night, and we'll learn more about it later.
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with JPS Ralphus) v. HUGH MORRUS (with James Hart) -
Ralphus finally gets a mention in the graphic - probably payment for
coming to the ring in a dress. Jericho intimates that Saturn just might
be....well....you know...for walking away after planting the ref in their
return dress match last night instead of getting the sure pinfall to stop
having to wear the dress. Morrus has a new strange haircut. Morrus all
over him to start. Jericho slaps him. The chase is on. Round and round
we go, back in, Jericho puts the boots to him as he comes back in, whip
off the ropes is reversed, Morrus picks him up and lets him fall. Morrus
with the whip, Jericho slides under, Morrus picks him up and there's a
half hour press slam. Commentators are remarking on Jericho's losing
streak (wink wink). Morrus climbs the ropes - Jericho tries to attack,
but Morrus shoves him off. Top rope elbow drop misses. Jericho with a
superkick and Morrus goes on the outside. Jericho with a top rope plancha
to the floor! Jericho grabs a bouquet of flowers and whips Morrus with
it. Jericho does his crane dance in the ring. Snap suplex by Jericho,
arrogant cover only gets 2. Rear chinlock. Jericho slaps him - oh oh,
made him mad. Whip off the ropes, big lariat by Morrus. "I am going to
attempt, fans, to call this match." Quote that man! Morrus knocks him
down and does a mocking version of Jericho's crane dance. Jericho
dropkicks him in the knee. Snapmare. Bow'n'arrow type hold as we take a
longing gaze Ralphus' way. Morrus turns the hold around but Jericho flips
up, catching Morrus in the jaw with a kick on his way up. Neat move.
Off the ropes, Morrus catches him and drops him powerbomb style. Whip
into the corner - freight train splash by Morrus. Whip into the opposite
corner, there's another avalanche. Third time, he misses as Jericho steps
aside - feet on the ropes - 1, 2, no. Whip, reversal, powerslam by Hugh
Morrus. He's going up - Ralphus grabs the leg! Hart takes a chair and
makes a move for Ralphus - but PERRY SATURN is out and stripping the dress
off Ralphus. He tosses Ralphus in the ring, so referee "Blind" Mickey Jay
is distracted trying to get HIM out of the ring. Hart offers the chair to
Saturn, but instead he KO's Hart, then delivers a Spicolli Driver to
Jericho. I sense the losing streak will continue. Is Saturn wearing
eyeliner or what? Schiavone says he looks "pretty." No Laughing Matter,
1, 2, 3. (6:58) Morrus leaves the ring and asks Saturn what's up with
hitting his manager. "Hey, I did you a favour!" "I didn't NEED an
favours!" and the next thing you know Saturn is back in the ring asking
to get it on. Morrus complies. They trade blows until the cartful of
refs comes out and breaks it up, to the crowd's dismay. Jericho didn't
move this entire time.
Footage from last night at SuperBrawl show Hennig & Windham gloating with
their belts - then Benoit & Malenko attacking for no good reason. Well, I
guess they had a reason. Anyway, they choke them out with regular belts a
la Windham on Malenko last night. And...umm....that's it.
Still to come, this, that, that, and that. Oh, the third hour.
TV-PG-DV BIG POOCHIE (with The Narcissist, Liz & Rey's mask) v. REY
MYSTERIO, JR. - "You know, Lex and I along with Liz watched the tape back
from last night, and while I was taking a break on the mat, catchin' my
breath, it appears to me that Scott Hall took a couple of shortcuts - you
know the NWO has always stood for what's right in this sport - for fair
play - I know that Rey Mysterio went to the committee today and insisted
on having a match with me, but after watching the tape back, Rey, we're
real sorry and, since it doesn't fit me anyway, instead of fighting, come
on down and I'll give you back your mask ('cause Liz won't wear it)."
Rey comes out in B&W camoflauge instead of his LWO shirt and to Konnan's
music instead of his own. How do you misspell "NO?" "Okay, did you say
what you have to say? It ain't about the mask anymore, Nash. You got
what you wanted, now it's time to get what I want." "And what would that
be, Rey?" "It's time for me to get a piece of you." Nash wants the test
of strength but I don't think Rey can reach that high. Nash's high knee
is almost higher than Rey's head. Whip - Rey's flips and flies but Nash
ducks it. Rey works on the knee with kicks - spinning heel kick and Nash
goes DOWN! Springboard facebuster! Nash retreats to the corner - bronco
buster! Nash pushes him off - Mysterio ducks a lariat - springs up - Nash
catches him and dlivers Snake Eyes. Heenan calls Nash the best big man in
our sport today - WHY. Ten story beal from Nash. Jackknife coming up -
of course, that doesn't work on Cruiserweights - Rey punches and punches -
Nash falls - Randy Anderson counts three times! Konnan's music plays!
(2:39) Replays show Rey hooks the wrong leg, but oh well. Let's see
Konnan's new music video!
Only the third hour is good enough for the new K-Dogg music video! I hope
they paid George Clinton for that "Atomic Dog" sample - I mean,
Time/Warner wouldn't just commit outright THEFT of an artist's works,
would they? I wonder what Capitol thinks of this. Hey, maybe I'll ask
'em! Naah. What the hell's up with the zoot suit?
NWO Wolfpack T-shirt ad.
Someone has NOW decided that this hour will only be rated TV-PG-V so
there's a NEW ratings box. And here's Horace telling Scott Norton that
Hollywood has placed him in charge of the black & white. Why is Disco
Inferno standing there? I dunno. I guess I should point out that Tony
hasn't remarked on any of THESE bits, but who cares anymore...not me.
Well, this week. Well, unless I come up with another funny bit.
GENE O. works tonight! And he brings out the new tag team cham-peens,
CURT HENNIG & BARRY WINDHAM. Hennig's not the kinda guy to say he told
you so - but - well, you know. Where's Rick Rude, anyway? Does anybody
have any comments about them not being in the NWO? Gene asks what about a
return match, Windham says that they've got a lot of defenses scheduled
and just have no room for the Horsemen. And...that's all I got out of
Scott Norton walks over to Hollywood Hogan and asks him what's up - what,
did I MISS the Stevie Ray clip? Anyway, Hollywood says no, no, YOU'RE the
man. Take charge of the black & white. I am SO BEYOND CARING.
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they have spotlight solo slutty
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION GLACIER CAT v. ? - you see, Sonny Onoo
bought Glacier's music, lighting, lasers and snow machine. You really
should try to watch THUNDER! every so often. "Ladies and gentlemen, once
again the Cat would like to be recognised as the greatest of all
time...and the greatest looking man in sports today!" Sonny Onoo will be
on the Bruise Cruise - well, that's IT, I'm signing up NOW. Cat goes on
and on about "James Brown music" as if that was even close to what his
music EVER sounded like. Cat demands the lights come back up, then tells
the crowd they're a bunch of sick lookin' people. Before we move along,
let's cut back to the black & white dressing room where Disco Inferno is
monitoring the action while Norton is ALMOST ready to tell them that
Hollywood has put him in charge (hmmm, there's Stevie Ray after all).
Sonny Onoo is less than excited about this challenge, but Cat says he's
doing it for him, 'cause he "messed up all your cousins and nephews over
there in Japan." Here's BIG SCOTT NORTON and I predict this'll last about
12 seconds. Cat kicks before the bell and doesn't let up. kick, kick,
kick, Million Dollar Dream! Norton hiptosses him to break the Cobra
Clutch. Big chop (wooooo!), again (woooo!), Cat with a kick but Norton
just catches the foot, then MAULS him. Chop (woooo!) - whip into the
opposite corner - Cat with a superkick, another standing side kick, a
THIRD standing side kick and Norton goes down! Cat tries a splash -
Norton catches him and slams him. Here comes the powerbomb. Good night
THUNDER! ad features *Bobby Blaze*!
Hey, that WCW Monday Nitro Spring Break-Out '99 thing is once again
brought to you by Cinn-A-Burst and 1-800-COLLECT so get used to it for the
next month or six weeks okay.
MICHAEL BUFFER is out for the Nitro main event. Huh? Does that mean
Flair and Flair will be .... aw shit.
SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff is the Stuff) v. (bill "192-1")
GOLDBERG in a nontitle match - Why does the champion come out first again?
Steiner whomps on a plant photographer - err, I mean plot device - err, I
mean... Buff runs down Buffer, then says that Goldberg isn't here tonight
so there won't be a match. Then Steiner tries to incite a riot by
inviting every random fan into the ring. Goldberg's music fires up and
the demeanor of the Wolfpackers changes quite a bit. Heenan gets quite
surreal on us - Goldberg's in your garage, he's in you will - HUH? Sign
in crowd "GOLDBERG FEARS GILLBERG" Staredown - Goldberg pushes him away.
Lockup, to the corner. Steiner fails to break, throwing elbows, then
knees. Whip is reversed, Goldberg put his head down though and Steiner
continues the attack. Head to the buckle - Goldberg turns around and the
crowd loves it. Kick to the gut, again, forearm. Steiner turns it
around, whip into the opposite corner, big boot put up. Goldberg with
rights. We're going to take a commercial break??? God only KNOWS how
they can make a match like THIS last through an ad break. Anyway,
Goldberg with the military press and he drops him just before we go to
C'mon, Hardee's? There's NO Hardee's for HUNDREDS of miles here. I
When we come back, who knows what's been happening. Steiner wants a
timeout. I hope he was doing that during the break instead of now. The
chase is on outside the ring after Buff grabs the leg. Looks like
Goldberg must have run into a Steinerline. Whip into the barricade.
Whip into the STEEL steps. Goldberg made the challenge the world heard -
challenge? What challenge? To WHO? Tony says they'll even throw in a
taser, well, hell, they SHOULD accept it then if they're gonna throw in a
TASER. Steiner with a blatant low blow kick but nobody gets DQ'd while
they wrestle Goldberg, you know. Steiner with some punches. Steiner to
the whip, but for some reason Goldberg's head goes through the ropes and
he ends up getting clotheslined with the top rope coming back. Steiner
whips him properly - lariat - elbowdrop - 2 count. Belly-to-belly suplex
as Buff is working with the wire cutters on the top turnbuckle. Referee
"Blind" Johnny Boone takes umbrage - Buff takes Boone to the turnbuckle to
take him out. Buff's in the ring now - Boone over the top rope.
Goldberg reverses a whip and it's STEINER'S back to the exposed STEEL.
Goldberg spears Buff and the crowd is digging it. RICK STEINER is out!
Double Steinerline to Buff and Steiner! Hey, the crowd was barking for
Rick and not whooping it up for Goldberg! They're not as stupid as I was
worried they were being. Now the NWO BLACK & WHITE is out sans Norton.
Vince tries to get them to rush the ring - Stevie Ray throws Vince in
instead. Vince is easily dispatched with a Steinerline and a whip into a
Goldberg spear from the side. The NWO walks off as Goldberg and Rick
stand in the ring and the crowd is barking like nuts. Yup. (DQ, let's
call it .. oh .. 7:30ish)
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by SNICKERS!
Wrath appears on "Mortal Kombat" NEXT! And later, in some other
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Smash & Slam Wrestlers (Why
would Luger's action figure beat up Sting's action figure?), Hi-Ener-G old
wives' pills, Arrid XX TotalSport deodorant, Aqua Velva IceSport, and Hot
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! In SWIMSUITS! So who let all the birds
into the recording studio for the background music? And why do most of
these ladies seem so unattractive?
Disco tells the satellite guy it's time to pirate the feed. The guy has a
last second bout of conscience which will probably disappear right after
this last ad break. What, you think they'd jam the feed during the
COMMERCIALS? Shows what YOU know!
From the special set, Tony Schiavone stands in front of a sofa containing
David Flair and Torrie Wilson - my spider sense is tingling as I hear that
Ric Flair's limousine has arrived at the building and the picture goes a
little fuzzy...why, no, we DON'T see Ric Flair tonight. No, we DON'T get
a promised event, hyped THE ENTIRE FUCKING THREE HOURS. Instead, we see a
black and white NWO clip of David Flair and Torrie Wilson - Disco Inferno,
doing a Gene Okerlund impersonation, tries to conduct an interview, but
they are interrupted by Arn Anderson (Nash) and Mongo McMichael (Vince, in
bear costume) - Arn opens a beer with his tire arn, then Torrie pushes him
over. Scott Hall comes out as Roddy Piper, and here's Hollywood Hogan as
Ric Flair, even better than Syxx was if that's possible. David spends
almost this entire clip staring at Torrie's breasts, good for him. I'll
give Hogan this, he's funny unlike the rest of these guys. But I'm not
sure that's enough. Fade to white noise and a copyright notice.
Should I even ask why THIS week Ric Flair wasn't even in the building
until 10:55? No, I suppose not. Well, hell, I'm SURE there wasn't a
SINGLE person who bought tickets to go to Sacramento to see Flair
You know, I just don't really know what to say here. I'm speechless. It
just...is ANYBODY totally into this? What's the payoff? I mean, Monday
morning I thought Mike was NUTS for even bringing up the POSSIBILITY that
Hogan and Nash were trying to run WCW into the ground, EVEN with
SuperBrawl IX's conclusion, but THIS.....
How long can they keep doing this? Is this what Flair stuck to his guns
and disappeared from EVERYTHING for nearly four months to get? Is this
what the fans are longing to see? How can WCW seem to turn it around,
only to throw any meager gains completely in the crapper by poisoning 170
minutes with 15 minutes of....I mean, words fail me. It just does not
make sense on ANY level. God, what a SHAME. All I can do is just shrug
and shake my head. It's a damn SHAME.
Tune in when next week Riki Rachtman tells us how great "Headbanger's
Ball" was ten years ago.