I GET LETTERS: What is your problem with WCW? Not to talk trash or
anything I know all Wrestling is inherintly fake but have you acctually
sat down and watched WWF? It is a load of BullShit. No One could watch WWF
and Not know it's fake.WCW Is More Wrestling less Shit. So Any way Take it
easy on WCW. Sincerly, Tim
You know, I've been TELLING myself that I've got to actually sit down and
watch WWF sometime. Maybe he's onto something. On the other hand, I've
always believed that the WCW was more wrestling, MORE shit, so what the
hell do I know. Let's see what they dredge up for me this week.
Listening to the voiceover playing over the "ER" credits right before the
show, why do they mention "Hulk Hogan, Sting and Goldberg?" Who the HELL
are those first two guys?
As the TV-PG-DV ratings box welcomes us to another clipfest,
interview-mania and recapper's nightmare, we see Alex from Flashdance
welding together a steel cage. Well, okay, it wasn't Alex. It was some
boring guy. You take your fantasy where you can get it. This is a pretty
good clip, actually, but the soundtrack sounds like it was lifted from one
of those "attacking ants" movies.
Clip from THUNDER! last week, where Arn and Ric have a heart-to-heart to
themselves...oh and to this camera, oh and to millions of television
viewers. As near as I can tell, Meltzer is the one who advanced this
theory that at Uncensored Flair will turn heel while Hogan turns face.
Wouldn't it just be great if it turned out that Meltzer was wrong? Not
only 'cause it'd be Meltzer being wrong, but also because all the Internet
smarks got all up in arms and threw a hissy fit over NOTHIN'. Of course,
Meltzer's probably right, people SHOULD be bitching, but I like to wait
until the shit hits the fan before I REALLY let go. But let's make fun of
this here. "Ric, this is just you and me talkin'." This is where Arn
should have said "and this camera, and these millions of television
viewers." Oh, I SAID that already? Well, like WCW I feel like I have to
repeat myself using the EXACT SAME WORDS just in case you didn't get it
the first time. This is STUPID. Do you understand that the way the WWF
expects me to suspend my disbelief WORKS for me from a common sense
perspective while the way the WCW expects me to suspend my disbelief feels
like COMPLETE IDIOCY? And if THIS is the first seven minutes of the show,
what MORE can I look forward too?
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 10-10-321! Call
someone who cares!
Goldberg and Diamond Dallas Page are now part of the Superstar Series of
Videos. They're SO new, they don't even have a clip ad for it yet!
No live action yet.
Mortal Kombat is next! Well, 2:50 away. They said "Dangerous Alliance!"
Promotional consideration paid for by Smash'n'Slam Wrestler action figures
(I see the Giant!), Slim Jim, LA Looks hair stuff, America (ha!) Online,
Aqua Velva IceSport, and Hot Pockets.
Fyre, Spice and Storm are partying down at Brown!
Our first live action is from Brown University in Providence, RI where
RIKI RACHTMAN shills for 1-800-COLLECT and CINN*A*BURST gum, the sponsors
of the WCW Spring BreakOut. I WISH we'd break out of this non-wrestling
Let's get up close and personal with A.C. Jazz. She has dogs. That's
what I've gotten from this. I was kinda hoping she'd talking about the
restraining order she's gotten against Larry Zed, but no dice.
The NWO brings us the Hogan clip from THUNDER! in astonishing "black and
white film noise-o-vision!" It's already been said in detail and better
than I that this clip is basically everything people have ever said about
Hogan, only Hogan's saying it and applying it to Flair. Yeah, but what
you HAVEN'T heard is that this clip pushes us past the twenty minute mark
with no live action. It's enough to make you think that whatever took out
the feed at the Nutter Center eight days ago was floating over wherever
the hell Nitro is THIS week NOW. At least, you would HOPE that's what's
going on, because if they're trying to prove that they could put ANYTHING
in the first hour and pop a 5+ rating, they might find that that won't
last as long as they seem to believe it would. Good Lord, this clip goes
UnCeNsOrEd is SUNDAY!
Hooray! Konnan has a new T-shirt! And it has a Parental Advisory! Does
that mean it isn't rated G?
Oh oh! KONNAN's been demoted to Nitro Party duty! Riki Rachtman does the
MTV thing an introduces
Konnan's New Music Video. This video represents the life in the street
and stuff. Yeah. Give me a fuckin' break. If he was REALLY working with
Kid Frost, Frost woulda made Konnan his BITCH by now. The only thing
worse than white folk is white folk pretendin' to be Raza! Trust me, I've
LIVED it! (No, I haven't.) I like to imitate Roger's funny voice thing
to this song. "Much more booooooooooounce" then I like to do that funky
guitar. "dankatadankatadankdank dankatadank"
The NWO brings us another clip in "black and white film noise-o-vision" -
Nash & Hogan going all MST3K on us to Flair's interview of last week. Do
they really think people will BUY this crap? Well, I'm insulted. But
what do I know, I'm just a wrestling fan. This clip (mercifully) ends
with Nash and Hogan deciding they need to "regroup" and "switch gears" and
"go to Plan B" because Flair didn't react to his son turning on him. Or
something. I'm sure they'll tell us three more times later in the show.
They appear to have PLENTY of time for clips and stories and stuff...
Here's a Special Video Look at Lex Luger for no apparent reason!
WCW MasterCard ad.
Closed captioning where available brought to you by JollyTime BLAST O'
Konnan T-shirt ad (#2). What the FUCK is going on here? By my watch,
it's forty minutes and we have not ONCE seen a live arena!
Bruise Cruise ad - Nitro Girls will stretch out in the sunshine and
hopefully get seasick
WCW "Road to Spring BreakOut" series continues in Boston with cops making
Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell cops for the day. They won't get a ticket
if they give out tickets all day. This is about as lame as it sounds,
makes about as much sense as it sounds, and, because it's now G-rated,
contains NO fine lookin' babes to speak of. There is ONE smokin' babe,
but she's smokin' in the sense that she's actually smoking a cigarette and
not that she's....yeah. Sigh. Do you think it's EASY to find something
to talk about here?
Riki Rachtman tells us for a second time that Cinn-A-Burst and
1-800-COLLECT bring us WCW Spring BreakOut. Also, he eats Domino's Pizza.
KIDMAN is also apparently demoted to Nitro Party duty. I'm starting to
wonder if this is really "live" and also if we're going to get ANY live
television in this first hour. I hope they're saving a TON of money on
this, 'cause they'll need it.
Here's a Special Video (FUCK) Look at Kevin Nash and Rey Mysterio Jr. and
all the wackiness that has come from the whole mask thing.
The NWO gets ANOTHER clip - we're at a gun club where Kevin and Hollywood
go out to meet - well, apparently her name is now "Sam" - she's shooting a
gun like she's - oh, hell, this is too stupid to bother thinking up
something funny about it. God help us all. She laughs a little TOO long
and tries a little TOO hard to be evil sounding with it. Hogan says
"Lethal Weapon 5" proving he has STEVE BLACKMAN on his mind. Notice we
never actually SEE her shooting - wait, I got it! It's a "Charlie's
Angels" homage! Yeah, that's better than a "VIP" joke any day. Only
eleven minutes to go...
Another UnCeNsOrEd promo
And now Hogan, Nash, and Sam are eating. I can't see the double turn
here. I'm sorry, I can't buy into this theory. Maybe in five or six more
clips I'll change my mind again. Anyway, another woman is introduced into
the mix - her name is apparently "Mrs. Robinson." Have I mentioned that
this SUCKS yet? Have I mentioned that I have problems seeing this as
G-rated? Somewhere along the line we learn that there's a $20,000 payoff
for something and something else. You know - WHY would they give away
their plans on nationwide TV like this anyway?
(Fucking fifty-five minutes after) opening credits
APW action hits the Mt.
Pleasant High School gymnasium FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY! Mighty midgets! Six
big matches! Mike Modest vs. Maxx Justice! What are you waiting for, a
match during Nitro?
RAW is WAR is NEXT MONDAY at the San Jose Arena! It's too bad they don't
have Dok Hendrix saying "hey! THIS SHOW SUCKS! Come see OURS!"
At FIFTY-NINE FUCKING MINUTES AFTER THE HOUR, we are welcomed to
Worcester, MA and the Centrum 8.3.99 for LIVE Monday Nitro action. GENE O.
starts off that INCREDIBLE action with - get ready - a FUCKING INTERVIEW.
Gene says he's got an interview with Goldberg, but the Wolfpack's music
plays - and out comes DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR along with SAM.
David says he's here to meet his father like a man, and he won't leave the
ring until he appears. I don't think I've said this yet in my 11 months
returning to recap duty, but - IF YOU HAVEN'T SWITCHED TO RAW BY NOW, YOU
HAVE NO FUCKING BRAIN. Anyway, Sam says ... something. Ric makes no
appearance, but Goldberg's music fires up - as David casts an uneasy eye
to the entryway...we take another ad break.
Speaking of Meltzer rumours, I'm starting to think that one about Nash &
Hogan trying to deliberately run WCW into the ground just MIGHT be true.
When we come back, there's GOLDBERG walking to the ring. WCW gets no
transcriptions from me tonight. Goldberg says David needs to learn
respect for his father as well as for Himself. David, who is an idiot,
points into Goldberg's chest - Goldberg grabs him and takes him to the
corner. In a split screen, we see Flair arrive, glance at a monitor, and
take a dead sprint to the ring. Once THE MAN makes it IN the ring, he
grabs Goldberg, wheels him around, and gives him a chop (woooo!). David
and the woman run off - Goldberg picks up Flair and gently guerilla slams
him. Words are exchanged, and the next thing you know there's a
Flair/Goldberg match on tonight. The crowd is made up entirely of pod
people 'cause they're BOOING Flair. It's like they were brainwashed for
HAK (with barbed wire & cane) v. RAVEN (with chair & Chastity) in a Falls
count anywhere match - 73 minutes into the show we have some action - just
BARELY beating RAW to the punch, given an hour headstart. How fucking
lame is THIS. They drop the weapons and embrace, then Raven attacks.
Back and forth and I'm just not in the mood. I can't help but think how
much Hak looks like Raven's friend Jim from Florida. Hak on a table -
Raven off the entryway scaffoldiing through the table. Tony says it's
never been done because he's an idiot who doesn't go out much. BAM BAM
BIGELOW is out and the bell sounds for no apparent reason (? 3:15) I hate
life. Now Tony says the bell was "inadvertant" so the match will continue
with Bigelow. I guess this means that you're getting for free this PPV
match, and if you spend money to see this match on Sunday you're an idiot.
Everybody's backstage now - there's a ladder - there's a dumpster -
there's a trashcan - who uses what on whom? It just doesn't matter any
more. Take a drink when somebody says "extreme" or "hardcore" 'cause you
must be drunk to be watching this shite! There's an ambulance! There's a
zamboni! Dare I even question where Kanyon might be this whole time?
There's a limo! Crowd is chanting "Larry" because they're reeeeeeeally
bored. Raven DDT's Hak on the hood of the limo - Bigelow splashes Raven
on that same hood. Nobody bleeds because this is the G-rated WCW. If you
can explain to me how men running other men's heads into various parts of
a limousine (including the windshield) is G-rated, well, you belong on a
ratings board, I guess. Since it's getting a little slow (a LITTLE?) we
cut to a clip from last week of these three guys brawling in the back.
And then we go to an ad break? (? 13:34)
Cage construction clip (2).
LIZMARK JR. v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with JPS Ralphus) - God, if they job
out Jericho here...I swear....I'm close to the edge here. Jericho is
wearing the dog collar and chain. Jericho takes the mic before the match
and talks up Perry Saturn, mentioning that he's specially trained in Nepal
with the very special Chain Match Yogis and Magic Men. He asks "Lizzie"
to make tonight's match a dog collar match. Tony says "There's been too
much talk and not enough wrestling here!" but he's only talking about THIS
segment, alas. Lizmark goes for it, shocking the hell out of the
commentary team. Jericho steps on the chain and takes him down - he tries
a chain shot but Lizmark scoots away. To the corner, Lizmark steps aside
and dropkicks Jericho. Jericho reverses a charge, then beals him by the
chain across the rain. Choke is on. Jericho wraps his elbow with the
chain and hist the back of the head. Chain choke. Stomp on the head.
Snapmare. Jericho wraps his knee in the chain and drops it. Amazingly,
Lizmark is not bleeding. But, hey, this is UNCENSORED! Suplex from
Jericho. Arrogant cover, kick out at 2. Jericho wraps his arm in the
chain and hits a short clothesline. Chain choke again. Kick to the gut.
Now Jericho ties up Lizmark with the chain - kicks him down - tries a
pinfall but only gets 2. Jericho throws him out of the ring. Fist to the
head wrapped in the chain. Lizmark pulls Jericho out of the ring by the
chain. After some choke action, Lizmark climbs to the top rope - but
comes in and meets the chain on his throat. Jericho wraps his neck again
and applies the Liontamer. Tap out. (4:31) I guess I should point out
that referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson does nothing to remind us of the
storyline that HE was involved in, so I guess that's just dropped off to
nothing and we're supposed to forget it....
Let Us Take You Back To Earlier Tonight Where David, Goldberg, and Ric
Had Much Fun At Our Expense
WCW Spring BreakOut '99 is 2 weeks from tonight! Will ANYBODY show up?
At this rate...
SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff Is The Stuff) v. BOOKER T. for the
World Television Championship - Scott says "hooches" this week which
should get him fired if we're lucky. Then he says "Big Bad Booty Daddy"
and "This goes to all my freaks out there..." which I guess is G-rated
this week. If there is ANY justice in the world, Scott will drop the
strap and THEN get fired. Lockup, to the corner, no clean break, finally
a break. Lockup, Steiner with a gut shot and some of that general
pounding. To the ropes, off the ropes, shoulderblock takes T down. Back
and forth, leapfrog, flying fist takes Steiner down. Punches in the
corner. Whip is reversed, Steiner comes out and runs into a spin kick.
Booker T. with another two kicks and Steiner's out to Buff. After an
eternity, he's back in - here's a little mat wrestling, Steiner coming out
on top. Facelock. Steiner elbows to the head. Steiner takes him to the
corner and kicks and punches. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed
and Booker T. hits a lariat. Again in the opposite corner with the
lariat. Steiner's head bounced off two different turnbuckles but the tide
turns when Steiner's trick knee acts up. Steiner to the attack with a
stomp. Whip off the ropes, clothesline. Steiner kisses his bicep and
drops an elbow. Feet on the ropes but only 2. Steiner throws him outside
and distracts referee "Blind" Johnny Boone so Buff can get his shot in.
Steiner outside and Booker T's head meets the STEEL barricade. The
"steroids" chant cannot be blocked out for a minute there. Mic cable
choke by Steiner. Boot to the head. And NOW we'll take an ad break while
they're still outside.
When we come back, they're both in and going off the ropes - T with a
flying jalapeno and cover for less than 1 - Steiner pops up and hits a
lariat. Steiner poses. Belly-to-belly suplex - punch to the head - right
again. Steiner kicks and punches. To the corner, succession of rights.
Steiner stands on the throat. Scoop and a backbreaker. Knee on the
shoulders - 2 count. Booker T. with the surprise inside cradle but only
2. Steiner back up with a knee. Stompin'. Again. Right hand. Double
underhook - up and down with a powerbomb. 1, 2, kickout. Steiner picks
him up and ties him to the tree of Woe. Now he's outside and pulling in
the neck - ouch. T tries a shot - Steiner comes back with a few shot s of
his own. T counters out of a suplex attempt and hits a swinging
neckbreaker. Both men slow to get up. Booker T. with the
Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Steiner gets a knee to the gut but T
ducks a lariat attempt, doubles him over and hits the axe kick! Off the
ropes, BIGtime lariat from Booker T. Forearm - slapjack off the ropes -
breakdance. Harlem sidekick! Time for the screwjob - Booker T. climbs to
the top - Buff moves the foot and crotches Booker T. - I hate WCW -
Steiner recliner - serves me right for watching - Arm falls once - arm
falls twice - arm doesn't fall a third time - Stiener drops him - Boone
calls for the bell even though the arm didn't fall a third time - figures.
They botch the finish just to fuck with me a little more. (14:04) Boone
thrown out of the ring and the chair is applied to Booker T. just for fun.
Whose fun? Not mine.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight Where Flair Rants and Raves and
Sets Up A Match With Goldberg
WCW Nitro Spring BreakOut '99 ad (#2). Only two weeks away!
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Bashin' Brawlers ("Getoffmy -
NOSE!"), Hot Pockets, Moen faucets, Arrid XX TotalSport, Aqua Velva
IceSport, and Blimpie!
Tony Schiavone makes a mocking voice to confuse us. Hey, look, it's (some
of) the Nitro Girls! Bobby Heenan has joined the commentators because
it's the third hour (God help us all).
Backstage, Gene O. talks to Jerry Flynn - but before we hear from him,
Sonny Onoo appears and tries to offer him a bribe - after Flynn declines,
the Cat jumps him from behind. Now THAT'S an outfit! Onoo cuts off
Flynn's ponytail! NOOOOOO! NOT THE MULLET!!!!!! Careful inspection
reveals Onoo's pile of money was all ones - THAT'S probably why Flynn was
so pissed off.
THUNDER! ad features no jobbers for me to make fun of
BIG SCOTT NORTON v. REY MYSTERIO, JR. - Fuck, I should just call him
Konnan Jr. and get it over with. If Norton doesn't KILL Rey here...well,
like Norton has a chance. Now I'm no judge of aesthetics, but I've
decided Rey's one UGLY mofo. Norton takes him into the corner - whips him
into the opposite corner and chops him to the mat (woooo!). Rey says
"ow." Double thrust - chokeslam to the mat. Norton stalks and there's a
short clothesline. "I can beat this man ANY time I want!" says Norton to
the camera. Sigh. Scoop and a slam. Elbow to the small of the back -
Rey rolls outside. Somehow Rey beats the count - Norton advances. Rey
catches a kick and pulls him out of the corner and down to the mat.
Rainbow suplex looks neat. "Watch this!" Knife-edge chop and he falls to
the mat. Headbutts contain reckless abandon. Referee "Blind" Randy
Anderson puts on the mandatory ten count but Norton picks him up for more
punishment. Off the ropes - back elbow takes him down again. I don't
CARE if Norton has 100% of the offense for the first four minutes - it
will make Rey's eventual win look even MORE stupid. Norton picks him up -
double thrust to the throat and down he goes. Norton makes him sail over
the top rope to the floor. Norton steps on the hand as he tries to get
back in the ring. Rey looks frustrated. Rey rolls back in - Norton
immediately on him with the big squash in the corner. Again. Rey to the
mat. Whip into the oppostie corner. Rey collapses to the mat. Crowd is
uneasy at watching this carnage. Norton elbows again to the small of the
back. Field goal kick. Looks like it's powerbomb time. Rey collapses -
Norton picks him up anyway - Rey punches away like it's time to come back
but Norton delivers a snake eyes in the corner. Wow, maybe Norton has a
chance after all if he's gonna be so smart! Norton picks up Rey and
powerbombs him. 1, 2, HE PULLS HIM UP! Oh, Norton Norton Norton. Norton
picks him by the pants WITH ONE HAND and PRESS SLAMS him. Damn. 1, 2, HE
PULLS HIM UP AGAIN! Sigh. "I can beat you any time I want little man -
uhh!" because Rey's kicked him in the nuts. Fortunately, Anderson was
looking the other way, and ALSO fortunately he has the fastest three count
in history to keep Rey the Giant killer. Fucking WCW. (7:11 - free
Hey look, it's (some of) the Nitro Girls! MTV airs the Beach Brawl from
Cancun this weekend!
Cage construction clip (3). If it plays three times during a show, I
have to hate it. That reminds me, when are we gonna see that Konnan
T-shirt ad again?
You're right - a Nitro Girls dance routing and video of cage construction
WAS that entire last segment.
FAR OUT VAN HAMMER v. BRET CLARKE - "Hi, I'm Bret Hart. I was the biggest
name in the sport. I left one federation in one of the most controversial
finishes in the history of pay-per-view telecasts, and signed with another
in what was considered one of the biggest coups in this highly competitive
field. Tonight I'm fighting DDP's friend in the last half hour of Nitro.
Maybe I'll get a couple free chairshots afterwards. Castrol GTX will
provide the replays. I hate my life." (Sharpshooter 10:45)
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Bobby Heenan. I'll give
'em this - we didn't SEE 'em until 2:45 in. Before they talk about
whatever it is they were going to talk about - the Wolfpack theme fires up
and YOU KNOW WHO & BIG POOCHIE, who are probably the best of friends these
days, make their way to the commentary booth. Tenay and Heenan scatter as
Nash and Hogan flank Tony in the booth. Nash makes fun of Hogan - "he's
doin' a Zbyszko on us!" - and says that he and Hogan just HAD to come down
and call the "War in Woos-town!" Hogan and Nash do some prattling and
we're ready for the last ad break
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Wolverine Boots and
Cage construction clip (4). FUCK YOU WCW!
THE MAN v. COLD BEER - I guess Michael Buffer don't GO to Worcester! I
wish I could get up for this match, but I'm depressed. Collar and elbow
tieup - Goldberg shoves him back into the center of the ring, repeat
lockup, repeat shove. Nash and Hogan are idiots on colour.
Shoulderblock attempt by Flair finds nothing. Again he meets the brick
wall. A third attempt ends with Goldberg catching Flair, lifting him up
in a press, dropping him to his shoulder, and hitting a powerslam. When
was the last time Flair wore black trunks? Flair walks around the ring
trying to shake it off. Flair's *walking away*! Goldberg comes out to
follow. Right hand. Fireman's carry back to the ring. Nash makes an
insider Oz joke but I'm not the mood to hear Poochie play to the smarts.
Flair begs off and then pokes the eyes. Flair asks referee "Blind" Billy
Silverman to check the time so he can get away with kicking him in the
nuts. Chop (woooo!), punch, chop (woooo!), Golotta (oooh!) Cover. 1, 2,
Goldberg kicks him off with authority. Big-time facerake by Flair.
Right hand. Chop (woooo!). To the corner, right hand, right hand, right
to the kidneys, to the body, crowd warming up on Goldberg as Flair
continues with the rights - Goldberg pops up and grabs Flair - but Flair
hits another low blow which is a MIRACLE Silverman missed it. Flair off
the ropes - chop block to the back of the knee. Figure four? Yes!
Flair's grabbing the ropes as well...sigh. Goldberg drags him to the
centre of the ring and reverses the hold. Flair breaks the hold. In the
corner, chop (woooo!), again (woooo!), again (woooo!) but Goldberg is
starting to shrug them off. Another chop (woooo!) and Goldberg roars.
Flair punches away and chops again (woooo!), but Goldberg doesn't feel it.
Boot to the gut, no, again, no, to the knee, Goldberg pops up and
clotheslins Flair. Goldberg with rights and lefts. Whip to the opposite
corner, Flair flip! Flair off the apron to the floor. Goldberg with the
knee to the gut, 2, whip into the opposite corner, Flair throws up an
elbow which stuns Goldberg - Flair to the top turnbuckle - NO FLAIR, THAT
NEVER WORKS! - Goldberg catches him and tosses him halfway across the
ring. Goldberg ready to spear but Flair sidesteps it and Goldberg's
shoulder hits the post. Flair with the vertical suplex - he's stylin' and
profilin' but Goldberg popped up again. SPEAR! Well now, what the hell is
THIS? It's DISCO INFERNO & the BLACK & WHITE come to the ring to FURTHER
confuse me. (DQ? No contest? 8:38) Goldberg throws Disco out of the
ring onto HOrace - Vincent is taken out with one shot but Stevie Ray has
better luck - until Goldberg turns the tide with a move *he stole from
Steve Blackman*. That's right. Now Nash and Hogan are also in the ring.
Everybody's on Goldberg. Ummm, where's Flair here? There he is. Low
blows and punching on Disco Inferno - Vincent - Nope, there's too many
people. Flair AND Goldberg being attacked...oops, we're out of time.
Can I put into words how much this show sucked?
See you next week!