I GET LETTERS: Jerry Flynn is the TALK of the wrestling world!
Dear Chris,
The pants Meng was wearing in his match against Jerry Flynn are
called hakamas. They are wide, pleated pants used mainly by practitioners
of akido and kendo.
James Lawson
I'm willing to overlook ALL of that and STILL proclaim them pretty cool.
Chris- I'm a big Mullet fan. I simply love the hair cut- on others of
course. However, I can't help but note a disturbing trend in recent months
in terms of Mullet-dom and wrestling.
Wrestling used to DOMINATED by mullets. And while there are still some very
good mullets out there, such as Hulk Hogan's "Involuntary" Mullet, Chris
Benoit's "Intensity" Mullet, and Jeff Jarrett's "Traditional Nashville"
Mullet, mullets seem to be dissapearing. Perhaps a conspiracy?
Case in point #1- Lance Storm. Lance Storm floundered in ECW with his
obscene box-cut-with-dyed-blonde-rattail. True, he put on good matches, and
was over. However, his push did not begin until his blonde rattail was cut
this summer.
Case in point #2- Mike Awesome really broke out in ECW with his matches
against Masato Tanaka. He also really broke out one of the greatest
haircuts of all-time, a severe sharp incline shaved on sides back length
mullet. It was a textbook mullet. As he was about to become a star, he
mysteriously is injured in Japan.
Case in point #3- perhaps the best mullet in all of wrestling, Eddy
Guerrero. While Eddy was putting on some absolute clinics, his hair was
getting better and better each week. As he was about to become one of the
great heels in WCW, he gets in a car accident. His brilliant mullet
disapears of our TV screen for months. When he returns- how much you want
to bet it's with a short crew cut?
Case in point #4- Jerry Flynn. Forever a prelim wrestler, Jerry Flynn gets
an odd push against Ernest Miller. The angle? Jerry Flynn has his mullet
chopped off. Weeks before, signs proclaiming Flynn's mullet to the unaware
masses. Coincidence? Hardly.
Even mullet mainstays Barbarian and Meng have had their hair tampered with
the past few weeks. We must put an end to this. I implore you, Chris. Help
get the mullet back over as the pre-eminent wrestling hair cut. I need it.
Destrucitly Yours,
Greggulator
THIS man, friends, is onto something. As I result, I hereby pledge that
when *I* finally take MY hair in for the shock treatment, I'll walk out
with a mullet. Yeah! And then I'll start COACHING HOCKEY! YEAH! AND
THEN...
Finally, on Flynn's sudden demulleting, Wes Smith offers:
BTW, you think they made Jerry Flynn mullet-less to make him look like
Steve Blackman? Cause I'll tell ya, it ain't working, man.
I'm witchoo, bro.
This clip montage is rated TV-PG-DV! Ric Flair talks, Goldberg talks,
closed captioned symbol lets you know they're talking, Nash talks, Hogan
talks, these guys must think they're on RAW or something... tell me again
how Goldberg teaming up with Flair gets him any closer to that belt? And
here's some highlights from the match, which didn't have an end.
"You want drama? We've got drama!" are the first words from Tony
Schiavone's mouth because TONIGHT is the WCW NITRO SPRING BREAKOUT and
it's breaking out all over! We are LIVE from Club La Vela in Panama City,
FL 22.3.99, where spring is delayed but the SHOW MUST GO ON!
Let Us Take You Back to UnCeNsOrEd where Chastity did some bad things to
Raven and helped Hak win the hardcore triple threat match. Then Mongo's
music played for Hak. Er.
BULL PAYNE v. FAR OUT VAN HAMMER - The crowd wastes no time letting loose
with a "boring" chant. That's your highlight. No, wait, the highlight is
Mike Tenay shilling the WCW Hotline during this match - yeah! THAT'S the
highlight! (Flashback -> pin 4:58)
The Spring Break-Out is brought to you by Cinn-A-Burst - BITE ME!
WCW/NWO Magazine ad.
WCW Superstar Series - Goldberg! Diamond Dallas Page! High octane
highlights!
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Baby Ruth! Oooh,
baby!
Let us take you back to last week's Nitro and highlights of the
Kidman/Mysterio cruiserweight title bout. These highlights are SLIGHTLY
more interesting than the Hammer/Payne bout we just saw.
RIKI RACHTMAN interviews REY MYSTERIO, JR. who starts talking as Konnan's
"Psycho" mysteriously starts up. Mysterio says we're partying like hogs,
it's party non stop, oh and Kidman deserves another titleshot, so how
about at Spring Stampede. Rey must think he's like Wayne or something -
Party on! He doesn't have the belt out where we can see it - maybe it
doesn't work for him like it did for Kidman (and Mean Gene).
Here's a lot of shots of people on the beach wearing Not Many Clothes and
saying "Bite the burst!" and random intervals.
I just saw a Hyatte sign! I think I'll have to take this week off so I
won't have to mention it!
Bruise Cruise ad - it now promises that you'll be sailin' away with not
only the Nitro Girls and Buff Bagwell, but also Sting, Diamond Dallas Page
and Disco Inferno! And don't forget that special autograph signing with
Goldberg! Man, Disco's gonna be in bad shape with all those NWO-haters on
board with him.
If it's Spring Break, it must be A FUN MUSIC VIDEO! That's right, it's
the Sweaty White Guys House Band! That one guy DOES kinda look like Sugar
Ray, though - or is it Jimmy Ray? I get them mixed up.
Riki Rachtman interviews DISCO INFER-NWO, who does his Yakov Smirnoff
impersonation. Rachtman says that with each successive viewing, the Disco
Inferno interpretation of Konnan's new music video gets more annoying.
Disco (correctly) says that actually it's KONNAN'S video that gets more
annoying each time you see it.
To prove Disco's point, we again see Disco's Konnan video. This gets
FUNNIER each time I see it! This week I laugh at Disco's confused look
when he talks about eating the worm.
Rachtman, who is an idiot, again says that people are sick of Disco's
video - the crowd behind him TOTALLY blows him off. Yeah, fuck off, Riki!
Disco reveals that his sources in Tijuana hate Konnan's video, and also he
(Disco) will be producing Madonna's next video. Stay tuned!
Tony Schiavone totally loses his mind and by the time it's done, Spring
BreakOut is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT and Cinn*A*Burst gum and Lee
Marshall lives.
Here's a Special Video Look at Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell. Breaking
up is hard to do. The word "damn" is beeped in this clip, as is "suck."
Yo yo yo, in the nine double, mi vida loca, ice cream on a hot summer's
day, parental advisory, eat the worm, buy the shirt.
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Smash&Slam wrestlers, Slim Jim,
Croissant Pockets, and Judge Wapner for structured settlement cash.
Fit Finlay knocks on Rick Steiner's door - hey, Rick's shacking up with
Mickey Jay! And he drinks Surge! Oh, and I guess they're fighting later.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and yet another clipfest from last
week's four-way interview which was pretty good last week but diminishes
with each clipfest look back. "If I gotta be YOUR partner to get that
belt, so be it!" What the HELL does that mean?
Riki Rachtman narrates a Goldberg at NASCAR clip
...but he's interrupted by HAK with CHASTITY. He was the man who came
into WCW his first night and he told you that he was the king of extreme,
the king of hardcore, so from now on you'll refer to him as Hardcore Hak,
the King of Extreme. Tonight, Hak takes on Goldberg. Hak manhandles
Rachtman's mic arm, then canes himself until he starts bleeding - that's
it! He's FIRED! I can't take my eyes off that blue skunk thing
Rachtman's put in his hair.
Let's take a Special Video Look at 60 Seconds of Goldberg. I keep seeing
Fit Finlay's natural hair colour hair in this clip for some reason...
Sting walks through the rain - to QVC! Tuesday at 6pm (9 on the East
Coast)!
Mortal Kombat is NEXT! This is like the FOURTH time they've shown this
episode, by the way.
K-Dogg T-shirt ad (#2).
Closed captioning brought to you over the wires of WESTERN UNION!
(What's that again?)
PSICOSIS, SILVER KING, EL DANDY y LA CUCARACHA v. LA PARKA, DAMIAN 666,
SUPER CALO y ATLANTIS - 38 minutes without wrestling - these guys must
think this is RAW or something! "La Cucaracha," whom nobody's seen
before, could be David Flair for all I know - white guy in Uno Mascara,
long sleeved lumberjack shirt and long pants. Fair to middlin'
by-the-numbers WCW lucha-lite match shows everybody high-flyin' except the
unknown luchadore. Silver King's got one swank 'do-rag on tonight -
almost EXACTLY like Calo's now that I look at it. About four minutes in -
everybody starts taking turns hitting and/or (mostly) missing spectacular
moves - Psychosis goes so far as to miss *jumping to the top turnbuckle,*
crotching himself in the process. Finally, Cucaracha, who has STILL not
tried a high-risk manoeuvre, hits the Chartbuster on Calo, then on Dandy,
then on Damien. Damien is pinned (5:32), he waves off everybody, walks
off, saying to the camera "No comprende" in a voice not unlike Disco
Inferno, and walks off. 10-10-321 brings the replay and STILL no one's
noticed that one of the people hit with the neckbreaker was *one of his
own teammates*. Well, maybe they'll explain this later. Or maybe, just
to piss me off, they won't.
Here's another special look at Spring Break - THIS time the random coments
are directed at 1-800-COLLECT instead of the gum. Sigh. Hey, you know, I
don't care HOW many shots of Spice you throw in, I still don't really want
to watch this.
Spring Stampede promo - it's 11 April! Call NOW!
(Fifty-eight minutes after) Opening Credits - so is this first hour SOME
OTHER SHOW now? And can we bring in some OTHER guy, force HIM to watch it
and write it up? "Hey, Chris, if you don't like it, why do you WATCH it?"
Oh, fuck off.
Hak faces Goldberg tonight! And a whole lot more! And a TV-PG-DV ratings
box! And the FIREWORKS don't work very well! And I guess there's no way
to see the commentators tonight (thank God!)
Hey, look, it's the Nitro girls - up in the balcony!
J.J. Dillon and Ric Flair talk about women and their plans for tonight.
Flair says he's going to issue an open challenge to the entire locker room
but have his opponent be picked by lottery - draw from a hat. Then Ric
leans in close and whispers "stay midcard - lots of cruiserweights." Oh
God, I HOPE nobody's watching the show right now! They'll learn about
this DEVIOUS plan!
Mike Tenay has a very special taped interview with Dusty Rhodes - a
consultant to WCW, we now learn. We also learn that last week there was
an altercation between Rhodes and some of Flair's people. We move WAY
back to the Malenko/Windham match where Rhodes made the key call that
turned EVERYTHING around for Flair. Rhodes said that Flair told him that
he would be named comissioner after he won the company, but maybe it was
just an oversight that that hasn't happened by now. He said that Flair
said Zbyszko had the spot that the best colour commentator in WCW was
having, but that hasn't happened. Rhodes says that he heard that he and
TENAY were going to change places, but THAT hasn't happened. All these
things must be oversights on the part of Flair. Anyway, tradition is
back. Rhodes says "lay the smack down" then calls himself the Rapmaster!
He wants to know if Flair's "kwoss" with him, bottom line. Rhodes says
he's still the..."wool of the woods?" -the hell?
GENE O. works tonight! If you're like me, you're hoping that the guy who
gets tossed in the drink THIS year is Okerlund, but due to his advanced
years, I'm sure it isn't to be so. Zbyszko fumes about Rhodes, yet again,
and I LOVE the continuity here (I guess.) Anyway, THE MAN is out but he
doesn't get about ten words out before RAVEN is out to demand a title shot
- and that's just MEAN GENE! Flair says, okay, you can have a title shot
- with Kanyon - against Malenko and Benoit. Raven says Kanyon is out
filming a Jesse Ventura story and Flair knows that. Flair says so, Raven
says I'll beat 'em myself then, and you get the feeling he probably will
tonight, sigh. Anyway, after that dueling feedback, Flair addresses
Rhodes' comments with a "whether you like it or don't like it..." line and
we look at a smokin' babe. Woooo! Flair says we're gonna put everybody's
name in a hat and pull one name out. Flair says "Hogan, Hart, Goldberg,
Sting, Hall, Nash" even though *you and I are privy to Flair's dastardly
scheme* to avoid any of those people.
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and thelivinglegend Larry
Zbyszko, who has to stand up to piss off Rhodes and me. Tony and Mike
apparently did not see that clip that you and I saw - that secret look
into the inner sanctum of Flair's diabolical mind. Tony loses his format
to the wind - oh, no, he'll be CONFUSED the rest of the night!
FIT FINLAY v. RICK STEINER - I think Rick said "Where's Izzy" on his way
to the ring! Lockup, to the ropes. Rick's roommate "Blind" Mickey Jay is
the ref for this bout. Lockup, to the corner, reversal by Finlay, clean
break. Right hand by Finlay, European uppercut, kick to the face, it's
all Finlay, no wait, Rick fires back and takes over with rights. Off the
ropes, back elbow and Finlay goes down. But he pops up and now it's
toe-to-toe. Rick gets the better of him and takes him down. Finlay takes
a powder on the outside. Back in...Lockup, Vulcan nerve hold by Finlay.
Elbow, reverse chinlock and because this is only the third match we might
as well take an ad break right here.
When we come back, NOTHING'S HAPPENED! Well, hopefully - I'm sure all the
GOOD stuff happens during the break, right? Scoop and a slam from Finlay
and he's pulling back on the arms now. Finlay takes the head back to the
mat. Elbow across the throat - 1, 2, no. Double thrust to the chest.
Steiner with a right. Finlay takes him outside the ring and drops his
chin across the apron. Elbow to the chest. Finlay with the chair but Jay
won't let him use it. Commentators talk about Ric Flair stripping Scott
Hall of the US title last Thursday - there'll be a tourney match tonight.
Scott Steiner, Buff Bagwell and Chris Jericho in matches tonight if I hear
right. Steiner's letting loose with rights, but Finlay reverses a whip,
then charges and hits. 1, 2, no. Whip into the corner again - Steiner
puts up the boot. Steinerline. Up and over and dropping Finlay.
Elbowdrop for 2. Finlay with a jawbreaker to come back. European
uppercut. Suplex attempt is countered with a steiner DDT. He's going to
the top - bulldog - 1, 2, 3. (8:51) Is it just me, or is it hard to
watch that bulldog without worrying about the neck of whoever he's putting
it on?
Coming up later tonight, this, that, that, and that!
Bobby Heenan takes his place at the commentary table. Hey, look! It's
the Nitro Girls!
EL VAMPIRO (canadianse) v. NEVER SURRENDER JUVENTUD GUERRERA - it's been
one week shy of nine months between appearances for ol' Vampiro, who isn't
wearing his freaky makeup - must be a THUNDER! only thing. Vampiro shoves
Juvi to the mat, then Juvi runs into a kick. Chop (woooo!), headbutt.
Off the ropes, Juvi slides under, chops (woooo!), again (woooo!), again
(woooo!), off the ropes, clothesline ducked, hobehind, counter, off the
ropes, flying headscissors by Guerrera. Ten Punch Count Along - Juvi
takes it to 11 'cause he likes Spinal Tap. Vampiro counters with a TEN
STORY POWERBOMB. 1, 2, no! Referee is "Controversial" Charles Robinson.
Fireman's carry into a slam. Whip into the corner, Juvi goes up and over,
but Vampiro catches him into a uranage - only 2! Chop (woooo!). I wonder
what Juvi's tights mean this week. Juvi ducks a kick off the ropes and
hits a spinning heel kick of his own. Juvi off the ropes, duck
clothesline, straight kick to the chest - coming off the ropes, Vampiro
catches him and Juvi can't fight off another powerbomb. Remember when
that move was illegal? Oh sorry. Vamprio goes for ANOTHER powerbomb but
Juvi's adjusted - he holds the hair and takes him down with a faceslam.
High crossbody is SUPPOSED to take Vampiro over the ropes, but it's
botched. Juvi kicks him out anyway, then hits the springboard plancha in
close quarters on the outside. Back in the ring, he's stalling big time.
Baseball slide dropkick to Vampiro but now he's coming back in. Vampiro
wants the test of strength - I guess we better take an ad break as
Guerrera attacks instead...
Mortal Kombat is NEXT!
When we come back, Vampiro has him against the ropes and is chopping away
(woooo!) - one more? Vampiro asks the crowd to quiet down so they can
hear this one. CHOP! Woooo! That was kinda cool. Juvi comes back with
a chest slap of his own, and Vampiro chops back (woooooo!). Vampiro
whipped off the ropes, he holds on, Guerrera runs at him and gets tossed
for his troubles. Trying to bring him in, Guerrera hits a hot shot, then
a springboard dropkick coming in. 1, 2, kickout! Chop (woooo!), whip
into the opposite corner, Vampiro off the ropes with a faceslam - 1, 2,
foot on the rope. That crowd can NOT be chanting "boring" for these two
non-Payne/Hammer guys, can they? Juventud with an reverse enziguiri
(okay, YOU call it). Guerrera kicks at the knee. Vampiro hits the same
enziguiri as Guerrera holds HIS other leg. Vampiro tries the powerbomb
but Guerrera drops. Vampiro pounds on him and puts him in place again -
and AGAIN hits the powerbomb. Now he's going for the kill - to the top
turnbuckle - twisting moonsault finds nothing but the mat! Juvi has him
in place for a guillotine legdrop off a springboard but it finds NOTHING.
Slam DOES work, though, but before he can come off with the 450, Vampiro
crotches him on the top. To the top goes Vamprio to meet him - GUT-WRENCH
SUPERPLEX! How did he kick out of that. Up'n'over - countered - gut shot
- got him - Juvi Driver! 1, 2, 3! (10:51) Juvi tells us that the juice
is back.
Riki Rachtman introduces MISS NITRO '99 - JULIE WILLIAMS - who comes out,
like, wearing CLOTHES and stuff - what's up with THAT? I don't care HOW
cold it is, you come out in a bikini! Hell, that'd HELP! Before we go
too far, out come YOU KNOW WHO, BIG POOCHIE and SEVERAL BIKINI'D BABES
(these bikins are probably *slightly* more adult then G-rated, by the way)
Nash says now that we've seen the WCW Miss Nitro, it's time to check out
the finalists in the NWO Miss Spring Break - while the crowd chants "Show
your tits," Hogan and Nash count up the women, come up with seven and ask
where the eighth woman went. Nash says, in regards to the chant "I'd do
it, guys, but it's a little cold out." Turns out the eighth woman is in
fact SAMANTHA, walking arm in arm with DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERRR, FLAIR.
She's wearing a dress instead of a bikini - ahh, Nash takes care of me by
asking her to display her bikini. Riki again asks the crowd to give it up
for Miss Nitro. Nash asks Riki to pick a Miss NWO - when he demurs, Nash
puts him in the powerbomb position. Riki says he'll pick one - "whoever
you want" - and Samantha wins. She takes a walk for us and the camera can
only show her from the waist up, because tits are okay, but asses are
definitely not G-rated. Nash says "Sable eat your heart out" and I
wonder if it's more glamorous to be on the cover of Oxygen - or Playboy.
The 1999 Spring Break-Out is brought to you by Cinn-A-Burst and DON'T YOU
FORGET IT.
HAK (with Chastity) v. COLD BEER - Hak slides with the dropkick and takes
his feet out from under him to start this one early. Hak chokes him on
the railing. Left hand as Hak starts the chant himself. Throwing him
back in the ring, another left. Left, left, he's shaking it off. Coming
back with rights and Hak hits the canvas. PEC FLEX! ROAR! Hak drops and
pushes him through the ropes to the outside. Left, left, left, back in
the ring. Whip is reversed, Goldberg catches him and drops him to the
mat. Cross armbreaker is applied and Hak gets the bottom rope with his
feet. Gutshot, face rake as Hak stands up. Chastity provdes the chair -
there's a bulldog to the chair. Cane! Cane! Cane to the HEAD, again, of
course Goldberg shrugs off ALL of this and roars. Hak tries his finisher
of the Russian legsweep with the cane but Goldberg blocks and Hak goes
down on his own. Bodyslam. Spear! Jackhammer! *I* may not like it but
the crowd hasn't been louder tonight. 1, 2, 3. (3:00)
Gene O. brings out BRET CLARKE, who continues to wear the Calgary Hitmen
jersey, which can only mean they're still alive in the playoffs. "You
know Gene, I came here to EARN a reputation, not lose it." Hart says he's
gotten exactly zero title shots in his year in WCW, then reminds the fans
that it was HE that wiped the floor with Flair back in January '98.
Okerlund says that Hogan/Hart would be a dream match - Hart says he's lost
patience with himl. Okerlund says what about a Hart/Nash match - Hart
says some things never change - he may be the pencil but Hart can be the
eraser. What about Goldberg? "He's been hand-fed opponents - he's never
been in the ring with a real technical wrestler! Goldberg has never
fought any real competition - I could beat him in five minutes!" Hart
reiterates a five-minute challenge. And what does this interview set up,
you may ask? Let's take an ad break!
Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! And they're IN DRAG!
HORACE (hogan) v. VINCENZO - "I'm in charge!" "No, I'm in charge!" "I'm
the boss!" "No, I'm the boss!" "I'm the nephew!" "I'M the - no, wait,
I'm not!" "I suck!" "No, *I* suck!" You know the thing is I really
don't mind Horace all that much. I won't mind Vincent all that much
either. But damn, I sure don't want them wrestling *each other*! My
favourite thing when WCW is at Club La Vela floating on the pool is that
there's NO way for anybody to SNEAK in when there's only that one walkway
to the ring. That's why when STEVIE RAY makes his appearance, everybody
knows about it. The exciting finisher THIS week is Vincent rolling up
Horace into a small package (with the commentators pretending that Stevie
caused it with a push, har har) for the pin (3:53), followed by Stevie
putting the boots to Vince, Horace joining in. Now BRIAN (Heaven) ADAMS
is out and letting loose on Horace until he's out of the ring. Adams and
Stevie Ray have a conversation - Adams saying he was punking out Horace to
get back at him for...well Stevie says he's mistaken; it was *Vince* he
should be getting back at. And the best part is NO ONE CARES.
THUNDER! ad features Disco Inferno "gettin' jiggy" on the Disciple. No,
REALLY.
WrestleMania XV spot in the local slot
Promotional consideration paid for by Bashin Brawlers' ("Owmyachin' -
ARM!"), Blimpie subs & salads, Arrid XX TotalSport, and Hi-Ener-G scam
pills
J.J. DILLON, ARN ANDERSON, THE VANILLA MIDGETS and THE MAN join Gene O. in
the ring with the barrel of numbers. Several wrestlers make their money
tonight by putting in cameos around poolside. Hi Chris Adams! Dillon
picks number 23 (the Illuminati are EVERYWHERE) and we look backstage as
El Dandy, arm in a sling, reveals that HE has the number. Rey Mysterio is
happy to STEAL Dandy's world title shot - who is HE to doubt El Dandy,
anyway? Rey walks out with the 23 card - Flair and Dillon are unhappy
about this, but Flair says that if Mysterio is ready to be hurt, he can
take the shot and end up just like Raven later.
Let's Take A Special Video Look at Benoit & Malenko - who Nash did NOT
call the Vanilla Midgets, NEVER, NO he did not. So you stop spreading
that nasty NASTY rumour about that.
VANILLA MIDGETS v. WHAT ABOUT RAVEN for the World Tag Team Championship -
why of COURSE Malenko & Benoit stayed in the ring during the break so they
wouldn't get an entrance - but Nash isn't trying to keep them down, no
sir, not Nash. The Horsemen immediately attack before the bell and fail
to stop doubleteaming. Now Malenko is out and Benoit is attacking. Tag
to Malenko, double spinebuster, make a wish, Benoit drops the knee on HIS
knee, dropkick to the knee by Malenko, Tejas cloverleaf is on and of
course Raven loves pain so he won't give up. Malenko drops the hold and
tags in Benoit. "It's time for you to feel a little pain." Kick in the
back of the head - Crippler crossface applied. Raven again refuses to
give up. Benoit breaks HIS hold. Geez, these guys sure got stupid.
Double Okie blow by Benoit - tag to Malenko, who goes up top. Benoit puts
Raven in the powerbomb position, Malenko comes off with a reverse DDT -
crowd is raising their voices - ahh, it's SENSATIONAL PERRY SATURN come
out to get a piece of Raven apparently. Benoit says you can have him when
we're done, but this is Horsemen business. Then they turn their backs -
MAN, they're stupid. Saturn cleans house. Rings of Saturn on Malenko!
Benoit manages a dropkick to break it up. Off the ropes, lariat takes off
Saturn's head. Benoit whips - reversed - coming out with a lariat.
Malenko in - double suplex. Malenko with the leg lariat. Snapmare, tag.
I guess Saturn is the partner now. Chop (woooo!), backbreaker, lightning
fast 2 count from referee "Blind" Randy Anderson. Head to the buckle.
Tag to Malenko and the doubleteam is still on. Malenko now systematically
picking him apart. Another 2 count. Scoop slam. Tag to Benoit, cover,
2. Snap suplex. Saturn gets in a shot, then eats a kick to the head.
Whip hard into the turnbuckle as Heenan and Schiavone take turns saying
"this is our best broadcast ever." Belly-to-back suplex. Kick to the
head. Whip into the corner. Tag. Doubleteam. Boot to the head from
Malenko, kick to take him out of the ring. Benoit throws him back in.
Tag. Off the ropes, double back elbow. There's no way this segment wins
the ratings - it's like they PLANNED it to be this boring to make the
Horsemen look bad. Belly-to-back suplex, no cover. Bodyslam,
thumb-'cross-the-throat gesture - swandive headbutt coming up - but it
MISSES! Raven reaches for a tag - tag! Raven cleans house! I guess he
was playing possum, or else this makes no sense. Well, what am I saying.
Evenflow attempt on Malenko is broken up by Benoit - Malenko and Raven
outside - Crippler crossface - reversal! Rings of Saturn! Benoit
screaming as Malenko and Raven brawl on the outside over Malenko's save.
Malenko has a belt - RAVEN has a belt - both men in, Raven waffles Malenko
with the belt - Anderson calls for the bell - aww, shucks, poor Raven and
Saturn, they are disqualified. (DQ 9:58) Raven's music continues
playing, though, just for kicks. I was waiting to see if Raven and Saturn
shook hands or something but I must have missed it, ha ha.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier in the Show where Samantha shows off her
hooters
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 10-10-220!
Clip from THUNDER! last week shows Flair stripping Scott Hall of the
United States Heavyweight Champion for failure to defend, and subsequent
announcement of a title tournament - the first match of which ALSO took
place on that THUNDER! as Meng defeated Bam Bam Bigelow, causing many of
us to wonder what exactly Bigelow did to piss off Nash this early in his
WCW career.
SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO in a United States Title
Tournament - Tenay shills the hotline one more time, promising that we'll
get some idea where Sting and Randy Savage are if only we drop that $1.69
a minute and call up the ... nah. Steiner mangles the English language as
only he can. When he says he'll be a "missionary man," I have to wonder
what he's talking about, 'cause I KNOW this is only a G-rated show.
Jericho is wearing a sash with Japanese on it, but because he no longer
gets mic time on Nitro, we'll never learn what it said. No wait! Carlos
Martinez wrote me JUST in the nick of time to say The Japanese writing
on the sash Jericho was wearing was........ Chris Jericho. "Ku-ri-su Je(i
think, might be jo)-e-ri-ko" That was the sash he wore in one of the New
Japan Super J-cups. You're the MAN, Carlos! Jericho's ears hurt from
the "Jericho sucks" chant. This is a heel vs. heel matchup, but Jericho
quickly ensures Steiner will get the face pop by trying to posedown with
him. Steiner quickly takes control of this match with the power moves
(well, punches) and intimidation of referee "Blind" Billy Silverman.
Anybody seen Nick Patrick lately? Jericho manages a brief flurry
including a nice springboard dropkick (or, if you're Tony -
"spriiiiiiiiiiiingboard mmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissile dropkick" - what the
HELL'S up with that?) A second attempt at a high-risk move backfires when
Steiner sidesteps it. Jericho meets the STEEL steps. Steiner brings him
back in the ring and pounds him down but Jericho puts up a boot as Steiner
charges. Missile dropkick DOES hit but Jericho only gets 2. Steiner back
to the power moves. Through the ropes. We've gone two hours and fifty
minutes and no one has YET tasted the pool water. Jericho with a hot shot
on Steiner - coming in with a top rope elbow. Arrogant cover gets only 1.
Snapmare, Ultimo Dragon kick. Steiner absorbs all this and comes back.
Jericho reverses into a jawbreaker. Lionsault! 1, 2, no. Chop (woooo!),
whip is reversed by Steiner, Jericho comes off with a kick - double leg -
Liontamer attempt?!? Steiner blocks it, then whips him over with his own
legs. Full nelson - Jericho elbows out, standing switch, Steiner's trick
knee acts up. Heenan calls the trick knee!!!! Belly-to-belly overhead -
Steiner recliner is on - thank you, good night. (submission 5:15) Ewww,
they zoom in on his NAVEL for some reason.
MICHAEL BUFFER is back because he can no longer handle the DIRTY sport of
boxing. Does this strike you as the type of main event to put up against
Paul Wight/Steve Austin? Are they just THROWING in the towel here? And
then, will they somehow blame the inevitable ratings loss on FLAIR? Nah,
that's too Machiavellian of 'em isn't it. Buffer, of course, impresses
the world with his incredible proficiency and knowledge of phonetic
Spanglish.
THE MAN (with Arn Anderson) v. REY NO LONGER A MYSTERIO JR. for the World
Heavyweight champion - Flair asks Mysterio ONE LAST TIME to PLEASE give
him the LWO shirt once and for all, finally. They're talking in the ring.
Mysterio offers the hand of friendship and Flair does that "too cool for
you" hair move. Lockup, side headlock by Flair. Off the ropes, Flair
knocks him down, back and forth, leapfrog, Rey with a drop toehold and a
PLAYFUL TUSSLE OF THE HAIR! That's DEVASTATING! But I dig it anyway.
Another drop toehold by Rey. A third. Rey stomps on the back - outside -
springboard guillotine to th eback of the head. Flair pops right up and
spins around the celebrating Rey - Rey pastes him with a machismo slap
that takes Flair to the canvas. Throwing elbows with reckless abandon
now. FLAIR FLOP! Flair up with a gutshot and he slides him outside.
Arn advances - Rey slides under his legs and strikes with a right hand to
take Arn down. Rey back in - dropkick! Another standing dropkick - back
outside - springboard Thesz press - 1, 2, no! Flair goes outside to take
a powder, Mysterio follows behind. Flair lays in wait where Mysterio can
see him so after he ducks Flair, he runs SMACK into Anderson's lariat. Rey
rolled in by Arn. Chop (woooo!), blatant right hand - referee
"Controversial" Charles Robinson warns him and we all know it's an act.
Crowd chants "Ric Flair sucks" so loudly that the crowd volume is turned
down to silent - but I thought that's the reaction you guys WANTED! Whip
into a chop (woooo!), patented kneedrop. Next week, Nitro is in Toronto,
if you care. I'm a GOD in Toronto, shyeah right. Flair with a chop
(woooo!) that takes him down - fingers locked, 1, 2, no! Backdrop fails
to work as Rey rolls over and through - to the ropes - rolling over - 1,
2, no. Flair attempts a hiptoss, reversal, arm drag takeover, cradle by
Rey, 1, 2, NO! Flair is up and stomping with impugnity now. He's a
little angry, you see. Rather blatant low blow as the crowd chants "Rey
Rey Rey Rey Rey" and so forth. Half hour vertical suplex by Flair. 1, 2,
no! Off the ropes, elbowdrop. 1, 2, kickout! Flair returns to the
closed fist, rights aplenty. Whip off the ropes, Rey's head hits the top
rope HARD and he collapses. Flair picks him up and tries the spot again,
whipping him off the other side, Rey slides under, between the legs, kick
to the gut, again, two shots to the back of the head. Outside on the
apron, he springs off the top rope - gourdbuster is NASTY as Rey's knee is
under Flair's head at the time (probably unintended). Rey with the
spinning heel kick, it's ducked. Dropkick is NOT ducked. Off the ropes,
Rey with the spinning heel kick that DOES kick. Rey puts up a boot on the
charging Rey - Flair on the top turnbuckle - Rey with the dropkick in the
gonads - Flair's losing his balance - Rey's up on the top turnbuckle -
FRANKENSTEINER! ONE, TWO, THR- Arn pulls Robinson out of the ring and
he calls for the bell (DQ? 7:36) I put the question mark in there because
Robinson raises Flair's arm - that makes no sense to me, but...ah
whatever. Rey dropkicks Flair on the outside, Flair backs up - whoa -
whoa, and he goes OVER THE RAIL AND INTO THE POOL! THE STREAK CONTINUES!
NOW I can go home happy!
Last week's show was better, but this week's was still okay. The first
hour of crap has absolutely no reason to exist, though. They seem to be
going out of their way to prove that. "Hey Chris," people write. "If you
ignore the first hour, Nitro's a damn good show!" Yeah, but I CAN'T
ignore the first hour. Don't you see? It's part of the damn show! It's
ONE THIRD of the show! It's equivalent to saying "Hey Chris, if you JUST
IGNORE all the stuff you don't like, then there's only stuff you like
left!" Well, DUH. Life would be WONDERFUL if it went like that. But it
ain't, and I can't. So there. See you next week! OH CANADA / SOMETHING
SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING...