PICTURE OF THE WEEK: Craig & Joe clipped this just for me. It's funny on
SO many levels, I have to share it with you. Hopefully instead of getting
sued, I'll be THANKED for the FREE ADVERTISEMENT! Click here (108k JPEG).
Let's open this week's TV-PG-DV show in BLACK-N-WHITE-GRAIN-O-VISION -
David and Sam sit in front of a ... fire?
There's a '99 Beetle! Join the Battle for the Beetle Sweepstakes by
logging onto wcw.com or sending a postcard to some address that doesn't
appear on the screen. Beetle Adventure Racing can ONLY be played on the
N64! Oh, THERE'S the address! Did you think this was a show?
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and thelivinglegend Larry
Zbyszko. "Tonight at 9 o'clock Eastern time, Nitro takes the air!" Well
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS SHOW AT 8 O'CLOCK IF IT IS NOT NITRO? And
why am I bothering to recap it? The "We want Bret" chant is even louder
than the "Larry" chant, aww yeah. Tonight, Hart and Goldberg go for five
minutes. I think - I wasn't listening. This isn't Nitro, you see.
Let Us Take You Back to last week's Nitro where Hart (correctly) points
out that Goldberg's only had handpicked opposition and he'd not only lose
to himself, but he could beat him in five minutes.
Beetle Adventure Racing and WCW present AN AD! Of course, I'm not gonna
turn down a free Beetle, so I'LL enter, for sure.
Goldberg and Diamond Dallas Page WCW Superstar Video Series ad
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro (BUT THIS HOUR ISN'T NITRO!) is brought
to you by Wendy's classic hamburgers!
Mortal Kombat is NEXT! Or actually, after Nitro. 'cause this hour ISN'T
You know, I'd think they'd WANT to include this hour as Nitro, 'cause it's
the only way the ratings look close. Oh well, here's Konnan's Music Video
#2! Moooooore bounce...moooore boooounce...much more booooouuuuunce. Wah
wah waaaaah wah danketadankadankdanketadankdanka fast forward
I HATE KONNAN is out - Tony says you "can't see enough of that video" and
Larry says "I've seen it enough" and I hate to agree with Larry about
ANYTHING. Konnan and Disco Inferno will fight at Spring Stampede, 'cause
once is NEVER enough. "Yo it's been a while...strawberry...bout it...--"
VINCENZO interrupts him with some crap about the NWO, the black'n'white
and him being the boss, and suddenly a match breaks out, I guess.
I HATE KONNAN v. VINCENZO - Konnan is all over him and then he shakes his
pants because his balls are so big, or something. There's a bulldog.
No! Keep your shirt on! Vince gets lucky pulling the top rope and Konnan
spills to the outside. I'd actually give you more real play by play here,
but honestly, this isn't Nitro, so why bother? Plus it's Konnan and
Vincent and give me a break. Referee "Blind" Scott Dickinson doesn't look
too disgruntled, but reffing this kind of match should be EXACTLY the type
of thing to disgruntle you. You know it's bad when *Larry* is the only
guy attempting to call moves in this match. I bet this match goes ten
minutes just to annoy me, too. Sign in crowd "I GET IT." Well why are
you in the front row of Nitro, then? Eh. Crowd is booing - oh, it's
STEVIE RAY! What's the over/under on when he says "sad sack" tonight?
Vince spends too much time looking at Stevie Ray and Konnan takes command,
there's the Tequila Sunrise, PLEASE play that song one more time.
(submission 5:36) The sad thing is THIS piece of crap was longer than the
LONGEST match over on the other channel. I mean, I *guess* that's sad.
Oh, I don't know. Tonight's gonna be hell.
Mike Tenay shills the WCW hotline
Another Battle for the Beetle sweepstakes promo
Hollywood and Sam talk about David thinking of Hollywood as a father
figure. Is Hogan a face here? I'm so confused. Sam asks Hogan if he
could beat Nash - Hogan whispers something to Sam which must mean it's not
G-rated or something. I don't know. This isn't Nitro, is it? In
WCW Monday Jericho T-shirt ad - the countdown is at FOUR months! Get it
soon! This ad is so old you can compare his lack of goatee here with that
insane thing he's got on his chin today...
Bruise Cruise ad. See the Nitro Girls, Buff Bagwell, Sting, Diamond
Dallas Page, and Disco Inferno! And a special autograph signing with
Goldberg! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
GENE O. works tonight! And it's a little early to hear from YOU KNOW WHO,
but here he comes to the Wolfpack theme. Larry is the only one not
blatantly sucking up to Hogan tonight - what kind of bizarro universe are
we IN around here. Oh, the one that says this ISN'T Nitro. Everybody
dances around the fact that Hogan and Warrior I was fought here because it
involves, 1) the Warrior and 2) the WWF. The crowd CHEERS when Hogan says
"Well ya know something Mean Gene" and all I can do is sit here in stunned
disbelief. Hogan says he beat Flair and where's his stinkin' belt. The
word "hell" is (almost) muted out tonight. Hogan says he's gonna beat up
Ric Flair tonight, but it takes him a couple hundred words to do it. Did
Hogan just make a hypocritical reference to Flair's "bleach blonde hair?"
The crowd chants "Hogan," ignoring the "4 life" and "2 sweet" singalongs.
We sweep the rafters as Tony mentions that somebody in customs mentioned
seeing Sting passing through...
WCW comes LIVE to Baltimore, Richmond for THUNDER!, Fairfax this week!
Onsales for Norfolk and Charlotte for Nitro also!
60 seconds with Goldberg - or about seven in fast forward
The Treacherous Three talk about Sting and I probably imagine hearing a
"Larry sucks" chant from the Toronto crowd. Somehow we segue to a very
special interview Mike Tenay recently had with Diamond Dallas Page (who?)
- stay tuned for the highlight package! Oh, wait, it's now! Crowd chants
"We want Bret!"
Just because we probably HAVE forgotten, here's the "Steiner stalks
Kimberly, then destroys Page" video package.
Mike Tenay sits down with Diamond Dallas Page. Kimberly's doing fine. Doc
West said he had a herniated L4 disc, causing occasional paralysis, but
he's rehabbed and he feels pretty good now. Page says Tenay doesn't need
to make excuses for him - next time it'll be different. Tenay asks about
that thirty day stipulation that seemed to fall on the floor - Page says
he never agreed to that stipulation so drop it already. I'm getting dizzy
from all these camera cuts. Page says the "People's Champion" monitor is
a bunch of hype. When he comes back, it won't be a bull in a china shop -
he'll be picking his spots. "I'm gonna get to ya, and I'm gonna get to
you ... my way." Is he turning too? Might as well, it would MAKE NO
WRATH ATH v. KENNY KAOS (no entrance) - If Wrath returns to Nitro, can
that mean he finally signed a contract extension? Well, let's see if he
wins tonight. Kaos given the jobber treatment, so you'd THINK...hey,
whatever happened to Robbie Rage anyway? Or should I care? Word on the
street is I'm not watching Nitro right now. I can only WISH I wasn't
really watching Nitro right now. I guess I should add that THIS match has
ZERO commercial interruptions - let's see if they can manage that during a
match I'm interested in. Again Tony reminds me that Nitro doesn't start
until 9. (Meltdown -> pin 8:49)
Mike Tenay shills the WCW hotline
Nash and Sam talk about Hogan beating Nash in an AWKWARD acting moment - I
suppose there's some sort of wedge developing between Nash and Hogan with
Sam stirring the put but who knows why. In black-n-white-grain-o-vision!
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Smash'n'slam action figures!
Slim Jim! America (ha) Online! Croissant Pockets! Judge Wapner for
Singer Asset Finance! Boy, I hope these companies realise they're paying
for promotional consideration for a show that IS NOT NITRO! Of course,
there's the Nitro logo...hmmm...
THUNDER! ad features some guy named "Blitzer"
Monday Jericho T-shirt ad #2 - clear out the stock!
Closed captioning sponsored by Western Union!
Gene O. says "hangin' from the rafters" and brings out THE MAN to straddle
the non-Nitro and Nitro hours. Crowd boos because they suck - Tony makes
fun of "hangin' from the rafters" and if he's gonna steal MY stuff I might
as well quit right now. Flair wastes no time dissin' some Canadian guy I
never heard of and don't want you to write me and tell me who it is
because I don't care. Flair runs down Canada until he's roundly booed and
established as the heel. Sigh. Flair announces a surprise for the
wrestling fans tonight. Crowd chants "asshole" as if he were Vince -
sounds guys work very hard to turn down the crowd leaving an eerie
silence. Flair says he'd like to welcome out, to make a very special
presentation to the President, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE. My spider sense is
tingling...somehow Page puts Steiner over as a face while putting himself
over as a heel. "Jack offs" gets muted from Page. Flair says tonight,
he's booking Page vs. Hogan because he's tired of Hogan shooting his mouth
off about Flair, and Page shooting HIS mouth off about Steiner. YOU KNOW
WHO comes out and says "rear end" instead of "ass," then leaves. Flair
says he'll act as Page's manager tonight to ensure a Page victory tonight.
Randomly, we fade to a shot of (THIS IS) STING up in the rafters, wearing
white facepaint. Flair says "dammit" and the censor *just* misses it.
What just happened here? Let me get out my scorecard. Hogan is a face,
check. Steiner is a (de facto) face. Page is a heel. Flair's a feel.
Nash is ... hmmm. Hall's gone. Hart's ... later, I guess. Goldberg...
and now Sting is... and apparently it DOES NOT MATTER that any of this
is happening because THIS part of the show is NOT NITRO. I...
(70 - or 10 minutes after) Opening credits
FIREWORKS welcome you to the Air Canada Center in Toronto, Ontario,
Canada! We're LIVE 29.3.99 for Monday Nitro! Tonight, Page vs. Hogan!
Sting is in the building! Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! Hey, Whisper's
missing...you don't think that Shawn Michaels rumour ain't a rumour?
The Treacherous Three talk about stuff we've seen earlier
BIG SCOTT NORTON v. RICK STEINER - Lockup, to the corner, referee "Blind"
Randy Anderson works to break them apart but nothing doing. Norton with
the clubbing blows. Back elbow. Head to the opposite turnbuckle, Steiner
absorbs it and punches away. Off the ropes, they meet in the centre and
no one moves. Steiner off the ropes, clothesline ducked, Steiner HITS a
Steinerline, then another to take Norton outside. Norton mumbles
"sonofa(mute)" where the camera and censor can hear it. Norton back in
but Steiner hits him on the way in. To the corner, Norton runs into a
boot. Ten Punch Count Along stops at Six. Atomic drop counter, then
Norton knocks him down. Did Larry call him a "rattlesnake" back then.
Double chop from Norton. Choke on the top rope, then whips him back.
Knife-edge chop (woooo!) Off the ropes, Steiner ducks a clothesline and
tosses him across the ring, Norton rolls out. Let's take an ad break
because Wrath and Kaos get nine uniterrupted minutes but we can't bother
with, you know, a COMPETITIVE match!
When we come back, Norton's down and Steiner is too. Steiner misses an
elbowdrop. Norton kicks the knee. Tombstone - no, I guess a flapjack -
crowd boos, they're right. Steiner ducks a clothesline and hits a
belly-to-back suplex (wow!) Norton fires back with a clothesline. Norton
up first. He's gonna go for the powerbomb now. Steiner back bodydrops
him instead. Norton to the eyes and Steiner falls out of the ring.
Norton following him outside, then takes him to the STEEL post. Steiner
tries taking Steiner to the post but Steiner slips through and takes
NORTON to the post. To the post again, again, again. Back in the ring.
Top rope bulldog. 1, 2, 3! (7:11 - free Slurpees!) Fast count if you
ask me. Castrol GTX supplies sponsorship for the replay. THIS REPLAY
Backstage, Rey Mysterio asks Kidman to be his partner in a tag team
champion match, as the Horsemen have laid out the open challenge, and
Konnan's too exhausted from his bout with Vincent (I guess). Kidman
balks, remembering his bad experiences with Chavo. Never mind that
they'll fight each other at Spring Stampede, says Rey, they KNOW each
other so well they'll have no problem scoring the titles! Kidman, missing
the gold (the chicks dig it), gives the okay.
WCW Spring Stampede is 11 April!
GENTLEMAN CHRIS ADAMS ("I'm not afraid of my gut!") v. BOOKER T. for the
World Television title - instead of finding Heenan, Zbyszko is still in
the seat. By my watch, he's still on duty anyway. "Speaking of raising
the roof, how about Sting?" WHAT? Lockup, to the corner, clean break.
Schiavone tries to make fun of the hotline but it's too late for you,
buddy. Larry: "I'm trying to talk about the matches but pay no mind to
me." I'd say it's too late for Larry, too, but I'm kinda amused by this.
At least he's managed to avoid mentioning Dusty Rhodes all night.
Headlock, power out, off the ropes, shoulderblock from Mr T. Everybody
back up, lockup, side headlock from Adams, to the ropes, off the ropes, T.
goes down, dueling hiptoss attempts and Adams hits! Booker T. is amused.
So am I! I'd like to see Adams win but I'm not expecting he has a chance
in hell. Lockup again, Booker T. goes behind with a waistlock takedown.
Now a nice bit of mat wrestling here. Hammerlock from Adams, reversed
into a wristlock by Booker T. Adams elbows out. Off the ropes,
shoulderblock, off the orpes again goes Adams - over, under, dropkick from
Booker T. Hiptoss and Adams is a little disgusted. 'THIS SIGN IS "G"
RATED' Adams offers the hand of friendship and they actually shake! Tony
bemoans that the fans boo the handshake. Larry says he should have kicked
him in the ribs. Dueling headlocks takes them to the corner - clean break
averted when Adams kicks and punches away. He's the first one to eschew
sportsmanship, you see. Head to the turnbuckle. Whip into the opposite
turnbuckle is reversed, clothesline coming out. Picks him up, gut shot,
off the ropes, axe kick is BRUTAL, taking Adams unintentionally on the way
up as well as intentionally on the way down. Adams kicks out at 2
somehow. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson hasn't done anything
controversial yet. Martial arts kick from Booker T. Adams manages to
toss Booker T. through the ropes to the outside. Dueling whips to the
barricade and Adams hits it. Booker T. runs into the SUPERKICK! But
unfortunately Adams can't win on the outside (or at all for that matter).
Booker T. taken to the barricade, and again. This Canadian crowd should
be BEHIND the Brit against the 'Murican, right? T. rolled back in and
Adams stays on him. Off the ropes, reversal, head down, double sledge
from Adams. POWERBOMB! 1, 2, kickout! I will forgive Nitro EVERYTHING
that's happened and everything to come tonight if they only give me a
Chris Adams title win. Adams rides him to the mat, punches him in the
back of the head. Up we go - belly-to-back suplex by Adams. Cover - 1,
2, weak kickout. Both men up - Booker T. holds on, arm wringer, kick,
kick, Adams is down. They're trading European forearms Booker T. with a
whip - caught him - spinebuster! T. picks him up whip, flapjack,
breakdance, Harlem side kick, to the top rope, c'mon Adams! Missile
dropkick, sigh. 1, 2, 3. (7:24) Don't get me wrong, I like Booker T.
too but Adams might have won me back to his side for a while.
"Battle for the Beetle" sweepstakes promo sounds like a Dr. Seuss
Bobby Heenan is out and hey look! It's the Nitro Girls! Again, we're
down to six with no Kimberly and ... no Whisper?
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Cinn*A*Burst gum
with Flavour Crystals!
Let Us Take You Back to Monday Nitro last week where Rey Mysterio believed
he was a bus and gave Kidman another title shot at Spring Stampede.
There's your Riki Rachtman sighting for the week (let's hope that's the
LIGHTNINGFOOT JERRY FLYNN v. CANADA'S OWN CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - Schiavone
apparently missed that entire clip as he tries to intro it again. You
don't suppose they'll - oh, I don't have a good feeling aboot THIS.
Jericho gets a singalong on "Monday Night Jericho" then sucks up to the
crowd saying "Chris Jericho is 100% Canadian!" Heenan: "What's that mean
with the exchange?" Tenay: "About 85%." That's TOO funny even to me.
"You know, I spent my childhood in Canada [pop] - I grew up in Canada
[pop] - I became everything that I am today in Canada [pop] - but now I
live in the United States [boo] - but, as I was walking down the streets
of Toronto today [pop] - looking at the blue skies and saying Hi to all of
the Torontonians, one thought popped in my head - Man I'm glad I moved to
the States because Canada sucks!" Wow, you've never SEEN a crowd turn
that fast. Nor the commentary team. Flynn attacks before the bell and
offcamera. Crowd STILL can't get up for the mighty kicks of the mighty
Lightningfoot Jerry Flynn. Jericho fires back with some punches and a
spin thrust kick. Flynn comes back with the shortcut and now choking
away. Nice spinning heel kick from Jericho. Crowd can't help but love
him. Blatant chokehold with the T-shirt. "We want Bret" chant. Flynn
kicks, Jericho kicks. Vertical suplex from Jericho. Arrogant cover(tm)
for 2. To the rear chinlock. Later tonight, Hart SPEAKS! Chop (woooo!)
from Jericho, off the ropes, Flynn holds on and Jericho finds the mat. I
thought that was supposed to be a catapult, but nothing doing from
Jericho, so Flynn steps into a half crab instead. Jericho grabs the rope.
Off the ropes, another flubbed spot. Who's calling this match? Jericho
with a fishermanplex and a Lionsault. 1, 2, no. Jericho to the top
rope, Flynn to the kick to crotch him. Jericho on the second rope - ten
punch count along doesn't go two before Jericho hits an eyepoke and shoves
him to the mat. Coming off the second rope, Jericho gets kicked again.
Flynn with a chop that takes him to the mat (woooo!). Flynn off the
ropes, roundhouse kick ducked, Jericho tries for the Liontamer - Flynn
rolls him over for 2. Powerbomb attempt - Jericho keeps his momentum, up
and over, rollup - they're tangled in the ropes - Jericho pushes him away
and kicks him in the head. These guys REALLY don't appear to be getting
along. Whip is reversed, Jericho puts up a boot as Flynn charges in -
covers, feet on the ropes. 1, 2, 3. Referee "Blind" Johnny Boone misses
it, so there's a tainted victory for Jericho in his home country. (4:35)
Gene O. & SPICE hang out (not literally - well, not enough for Spice) near
the Beetle Battle Beetle. Spice says it's "sporty, fun, fast, peppy and
SPICEY" - just like a certain Nitro Girl I'd like to get in with.
This time when the camera pans the crowd, it just HAPPENS to alight on a
"Wrestling with Shadows" promotional poster. Humm. Hey, look at that
picture of Vince McMahon in that poster!
BRET CLARKE will straddle the two competitive hours - he's wearing a
Calgary Hitmen jersey, which can only mean they haven't been eliminated
from the playoffs yet. Rightly so, Hart receives a massive welcome that
he rightly deserves, no matter how much he seems to be whining to us
biased 'muricans. Ovation is defeaning and sustained - I'm proud to be a
wrestling fan right now. "You know, it's nice to be in a place where you
get a little respect. It's nice to go to a place where you see some kids
in the audience, too. You sit back there all night and you sit back and
you listen to everybody, and I know everybody's all up in a big fff- - you
know everyone's all upset about the ratings and stuff, I'm not gonna worry
about very much tonight - I think I'm gonna start off with a little bit of
"O Canada." "Our home and native land / True patriot love / In all they
sons command / with glowing hearts we see thee rise / in the true North
strong and free / From far and wide, O Canada / We stand on guard for
thee." Hey Bischoff, put THAT in your pipe and smoke it! You know I've
been in the WCW for over a year. FIVE TIME World champion [pop] the best
there is, the best there was, and the best that there ever will be
[singalong] and I can't get a match with anybody. You got Ric Flair, the
world Champion, back there hiding under a table somewhere. You got
Hollywood Hogan - I guess he's afraid of me. But you know, I'm gonna get
right to the point. I came to the WCW to earn a reputation, not to lose
it, and I got one point I wanna make. I wanna prove that I can excellent
execute any wrestler I want, any TIME I want - so let's cut to the chase.
The Franchise player - William Goldberg. Ya big chicken! He thinks
'cause he's built like a tank that he can run over the top of me - well
I'm not goin' anywhere Bill Goldberg 'til you come out of that dressing
room, bitin' your fingernails, trembling with fear, 'cause you could take
me on RIGHT here tonight in Toronto, Canada! He's puttin' up all this
money to take on Steve Austin - well let me tell ya something, *I* beat
Steve Austin every time I ever fought him! He likes to fancy himself some
kind of fancy tough football player. Well I got news for ya, Bill
Goldberg - " and he removes his Hitmen jersey to reveal a Toronto Leafs
jersey to another HUGE pop " - this is hockey country, Bill Goldberg!
Put away your silly helmet and come out here and FIGHT me!" The music
starts, the fans chant "Goldberg" but not in an endearing way... COLD BEER
stride to the ring with purpose. The chant seems to stop immediately.
Hmmm. There's a SPEAR! And now NEITHER man is moving. It'd be wrong of
me to say they look really gay laying there, but...crowd is nuts. "Bret"
chant fires up but he still ain't moving. Hart lifts his head - rolls
over. Cover. Hart counts himself. 1, 2, 3. Hart stands and removes his
Leafs jersey - and there's a STEEL plate attached to his abdomen. Hart is
the COOLEST sumbitch on Earth. DOUG DILLINGER is out to tend to Goldberg.
"You can go ahead and respect that. Hey Bischoff - and the WCW - I QUIT."
And he walks off, having a few words with J.J. DILLON in the process -
five fingers for the camera and for Dillon, and as we fade to black - was
that CRACKA EAZY-E coming into the frame JUST as we went out?
Now THAT was cool.
Why can't it ALWAYS be like that?
Hart does not suck.
Let us Take You Back to Moments Ago - there's the spear, there's Hart
counting three, there's the steel plate. Replay shows that that WAS Eric
Bischoff during the break. The sad part is that you can't follow up on
this because Hart will be taking time off, and for the purposes of the
story, he'll have quit. What do you do with it? Sigh.
And in case anyone wonders if that was a shoot, let me remind you that you
saw it on TV, in which case you should NEVER even have to ask it. It's a
work. A DAMN good work. I think only Pete Rose could have made that more
exciting to watch - hear me WWF? That segment made me shout louder than
just about ANYTHING on WrestleMania last night. That can't be good. WCW,
as they are wont to do, gives the most painful, bottom-of-the-barrel
scraping lows a fan can (sometimes not even) sit through - and then they
can give you hot shit like this within the same hour. The sad thing is
there are precious few who can slog through the turds in real time just to
feel the highs. That's why RAW is winning the ratings - a consistently
higher level of the "stuff I will sit through" quotient. But you still
have to watch both shows. You HAVE to. Just skip the "not Nitro" hour,
for the love of God.
Where was I?
Special video look at Buff and Scott - the divorce
BUFF BAGWELL v. THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC, NORMAN SMILEY (yellow) - Buff has
some new, incredibly annoying music. Tony repeatedly calls the Hart
situation "a Stunner," probably on purpose. "Needless to say, to Toronto,
Big Poppa Pump and Buff Daddy are no more. So what I'm trying to say, from
now on - choose who you wish but remember, I love you, just as much as you
love me. 'Cause I'm Buff, and I'm the stuff." Hey, I bet it's all a big
swerve! Oh, sorry. I miss Smiley saying "'oo iz yore dad-dee?" Lockup,
armdrag by Buff, posedown time. Lockup, knee from Bagwell, hiptoss, time
for another pose. THIS IS ACTION! Bagwell does pushups. Bagwell makes
the heretofore unspoken Warren Moon comparison and lets the genie out of
the bottle. Lockup, to the corner, Smiley prevents a clean break,
throwing elbows, punching, slapping, through the ropes to the outside.
Smiley must be dancing because we're only looking at Bagwell. Bagwell
punching away with fury, backdrop, clothesline over the top rope to the
floor. Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson isn't too controversial here.
Smiley back in the ring now. Lockup, kick to the back of the leg by
Smiley. Headshot, off the ropes, back and forth, leapfrog, Smiley down
low, Bagwell stepping on the head. Atomic drop. Scoop and a slam. Off
the ropes, splash meets the knees. Smiley with a straight right, whip
into the opposite corner, swoop slam. It's not time for the dance,
apparently. Headbutt from Smiley. European forearm. Kick to the knee.
Headbutt. Vertical suplex here. 1, 2, Bagwell kicks out. Smiley with a
Bagwell-esque pose. Bagwell sneaks up and rolls him up for 2. Smiley
back up, clothesline misses, back elbow does not. Rear chinlock applied,
bodyscissors added. I wish they'd SHUT UP about pronouncing Smiley's last
name already. Crowd chants for Bagwell and he gets up and elbows out.
Smiley takes him to the mat again. It looks like he's trying to set up -
nah, I guess not. YES, IT IS! KUNZE STUMP PULLER! No, he's dropped the
leg again. But staying on the neck. Bagwell tries to stand up, Smiley
pounds him in the back, off the ropes we go, Smiley puts the head down -
Sunset flip - Bagwell gets him down thanks to a blatant trunks pull, and
only 2. Smiley pops up with an eyepoke. Clubbing blow to the small of
the back. Now choking him on the second rope, leg on the neck. Smiley
goes outside and punches him. Off the ropes, dropkick finds nothing.
Shoulderblock from Bagwell. Scoop and a slam. Dropkick. Bagwell poses
because they crowd isn't chanting loudly enough. Into the corner we go.
Right from Buff. Whip into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up,
though - Buff Blockbuster coming off the second rope! 1, 2, 3! (7:30)
Because we still owe them some paid spots, let's take time out to mention
that this portion of WCW Monday Nitro is sponsored by CINN*A*BURST! CHEW
CHEW CHEW CHEW CHEW
The Awesome 3 discuss the tag team title matchup to come.
CANADIAN CHRIS BENOIT & DEAN MALENKO v. REY NO LONGER A MYSTERIO, JR. &
(billy) KIDMAN (with Konnan's "Psycho" as tonight's theme - sigh) for the
tag team Championship - This match SHOULD rock the free world, but we'll
see. Benoit and Kidman start. Kind of a dream matchup right there,
actually. Lockup, chop from Benoit (woooo!) takes him to th emat. Off
the ropes, HIGH back bodydrop. Backbreaker for 2. Whip into the corner,
hard, by Benoit. Stomping on the back. Another chop (woooo!) and Kidman
slumps to the ropes. Head to the turnbuckle. Chop (woooo!), kick to the
head. Whip off the ropes, hiptoss attempt is reversed, counter, flip,
standing switch, to the back of the head by Benoit. Kidman counters.
"Short powerbomb" by Kidman for 2. Both men tag out. Shoulderblock by
Malenko and Mysterio bounces to the corner. Snapmare by Malenko into a
chinlock. Head to the turnbuckle, tag to Benoit. Double kicks. TV-PG-V
box pops up to confuse me at the 2:29 part of the three hours. Benoit off
the ropes, shoulderblock takes him down. Benoit over Mysterio, stops,
turns around and chops him (woooo!), again (woooo!), off the ropes, Rey
slides through and hits a right, and another. Springboard off the ropes,
landing on the shoulders, 180, Frankensteiner! Leg lariat for Malenko.
Back to Benoit - up and ready for another rana, but Malenko is on the top
rope - clothesline into powerbomb. Malenko in the middle of the ring.
Tejas Cloverleaf - no, Rey kicks it away, and makes the tag! Kidman to
the top rope - plancha! Dropkick for Benoit on the apron. Malenko with a
gutshot and a powerbomb - but you CAN'T powerbomb Kidman - counter into a
faceslam - 1, 2, Benoit breaks it up.Rey in now. Tornado bulldog by
Kidman as Rey and Benoit brawl. Benoit and Rey over the top rope to the
outside as Rey hits another rana. Malenko with a fireman's carry into a
TOP ROPE GUTBUSTER - 1, 2, Rey manages to save. This match isn't
Wrath/Kaos, though, so we better take an ad break as Kidman is laid out on
the top rope.
When we come back, Benoit is taking it to Kidman. Double Okieblow. Kidman
punches back, Benoit punches again. Whip into the corner, pushing him
into the corner again, tag to Malenko. Half hour suplex. 1, 2, kickout.
Malenko with a shot to Mysterio as he pops up. Back to Kidman -
Belly-to-back suplex - 1, 2, no. Malenko whips him off the rope - sunset
flip by Kidman, 2 count for Kidman. Lariat by Malenko takes him back
down. Tag to Benoit. Double whip, double press and they let him drop to
the mat. 2 count for Benoit. Gutbuster from Benoit. Irish whip off the
ropes, kick to the gut. Kidman hangs on the second rope, Benoit picks him
up and drops him on the top rope - Kidman bounces to the mat. Benoit
throws him out to Malenko, who take the small of his back to the apron,
then whips him into the barricade, rolls him back in and I guess referee
"Blind" Billy Silverman missed all that. Benoit tags Malenko - double
whip, double - Kidman counters with a dropkick to both men! Tag to
Mysterio! He's a HOUSE ON FIRE! All four men in now. Benoit with Rey -
powerbomb countered into a huracanrana. Malenko whips Kidman into Rey,
who boosts him into a pescado on Benoit on the outside. Malenko with a
snappy tilt-a-whril backbreaker but Silverman is trying to get Benoit and
Kidman separated on the outside. Malenko picks up Mysterio for another
move - picks him up for - I don't know - Rey with the stun gun. For no
apparent reason, RAVEN & SENSATIONAL PERRY SATURN are ambling to ringside.
Rey to the top rope - huracanrana blocked - Tejas cloverleaf is on! - but
Raven is in and there's the Evenflow DDT on Malenko!! Mysterio and
Malenko both out. Mysterio manages a cover. 1, 2, 3!!!!! Ladies and
gentlemen, we have new tag team champions of the world. (12:23) I may
not like the result, but it's definitely MATCH OF THE NIGHT. vato vato
vato vato believe I'm a bus vato vato vato
Clips from WCW Spring Break Out with lots of bikini'd babes saying "Bite
the burst!" because it's all about the CINN*A*BURST, baby!
Promotional consideration paid for by Bashin' Brawlers ("Yousmashedmy -
HEAD!"), David sunflower seeds, LA Looks hair stuff, Blimpie subs &
salads, and Compu$erve 2000, AND "Mighty Joe Young" - a movie for the
Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls!
"Battle for the Beetle" sweepstakes hype, one more time
That WAS the whole segment, in fact
THIS portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT - call
someone who cares!
MICHAEL BUFFER is let across the border? Canada's more permissive than I
thought! Buffer proclaims this match a "clash of Titans," even though
Harry Hamlin isn't involved. Even though Diamond Dallas Page has never
worked in the WWF. Even though...no, that's all I got. Let's get ready
to (tm)! Hogan STILL gets no chyron love. What's up with THAT. Anybody
else notice we haven't seen Booker Nash all night? You know, Page might
be a heel but if it keeps him from sucking up by walking through the
crowd, I guess I could warm up to it.
YOU KNOW WHO v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (with The Man) - your referee is
Senior Official Mickey Jay. Crowd is chanting "Hogan" and I'm getting
racist towards Canada, I tell ya. Shoves traded. More jawing going on.
Now they're trading punches - to the corner - Hogan with knees, whip into
the opposite corner, Hogan with a lariat. Hogan with a chop (woooo!), on
him fast and furious, punch, rake of the face, powered off the ropes,
another clothesline, to the chinlock, punching added. page pops up and
tackles him - drives into the corner, now punching away, kneelifts, Hogan
with an eyepoke, face rake, whip off the ropes, follow lariat takes Page
outside the ring. This isn't Wrath/Kaos! Let's take an ad break!
An AD BREAK IN THE FINAL QUARTER HOUR? I don't think this is THAT big of
a draw...is it?
When we come back, the commentators have deserted their post, as Hogan and
Page and manhandling each other on their set! Hogan against the
scaffolding. Page stomping with impugnity. He said something but I know
not what - making their way to the giant WCW logo - Hogan's head into a W!
To the opposite side and an opposite W! Hogan comes back and now PAGE
into the logo, compeltely tipping the giant metal WCW over! Trying to
take out the other, it stays up, SOMEHOW. Brawling back towards the ring,
back and forth, barricade to barricade. Hogan reverses a whip into the
STEEL steps and Page hits it with his back. Head to the barricade. Back
in the ring! Hogan's got his belt - whip! Whip! Whip! What action!
Choke with the belt. Page with a kick to a sensitive area to gain control
of the action - and the belt! Whip! Whip! Hogan rolls to the outside,
where I suddently remember Flair is still out there. Flair with a blatant
choke as Page comes outside - right hand to Flair! Now on Hogan, Page
doesn't get a shot as he absorbs a kick and now belt shots. Hogan puts
his belt back on. Page rolled into the ring, Hogan follows. Kicking a
field goal - head to the buckle - HOgan takes him off the ropes - Page
puts a foot up - catches it, spins him around, clothesline from Page
(called an "enziguiri" by Schiavone - HA!) takes Hogan down - 1, 2, no.
Page opening every orifice in Hogan's face. Head to the buckle, twice.
Swinging neckbreaker from Page. 1, 2, no. Page whips Hogan across the
ring, Hogan reverses, there's a clothesline. Right hand from Hogan.
Abdominal stretch - FROM HOGAN? Hogan knows a wrestling hold? Flair is
up on the apron - Hogan sees him and breaks the hold to go after him -
doesn't get him though. Page with a low blow, uppercut to the throat -
suplex for 2. Front facelock to the corner - Page with back elbows,
again, again. Hogan to the face to regain the momentum. Vertical suplex
from Hogan. Elbowdrop - lightning elbowdrop - another elbowdrop - 1, 2,
Page kicks out. Arm wringer, Hogan steps over - into an arm bar! Page
always makes Hogan bust out some moves we're shocked to see he knows, you
know. Inside cradle from Hogan for 2 - Page rolls it the other way for 2.
Page to the eyes. Off the ropes, clothesline down. 1, 2, no. Page
stands on the neck. Flair gets in a choke on his own but Page tries to
kick him away. He don't want his help, see. Whip out, Hogan reverses,
Jay gets squashed. Hogan follows with a clothesline. Hogan with the
three punches, the whip, the big boot, off the ropes, but the legdrop of
doom MISSES as referee "BLIND" CHARLES ROBINSON makes his way in. Page
ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own - but HOgan pops back up and
he's doing the jackhammer mime. Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, three
punches, Flair is in with a chair - Robinson has something in his eye and
has to turn away from the action, ha - Flair advances, Hogan turns it
around and Flair ends up chairing Page. Flair attacks Hogan but Hogan
just absorbs everything, jackhammer miming. Hogan with the punches to
Flair - big boot takes Flair outside. Legdrop of doom on Page! Robinson
asks Flair if he should count - Hogan grabs Robinson - down with one
windmill punch. Cover, Jay is up to count - 1, 2, 3. (12:50) Hogan has
words for Flair to the camera.
Why did the first hour suck so much? Because it was NOT NITRO!
8 matches, 66:17 bell-to-bell for those of you keeping score at home. I
still think the moment of the week was Hart's segment, though. Is it okay
for me to like a nonmatch the best? Is it okay for me to like a Bret Hart
moment the best? I think I just pissed off Herb Kunze AND Sean Shannon.
ONLY *I* can do that! Yeah!
Next week: my one year anniversary with WrestleManiacs. SO WHAT? SO