HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME! Three hours of Nitro! You call this a present?
WCW - our logo is a powerful symbol
A white limo pulls up and a TV-PG-DV ratings box fills the upper left
corner. Hey, it's Randy Savage and Madusa 6! Savage has the limo driver
remove a plastic container (closed captioned logo) from the trunk, and the
lid from the container. Oh Madusa, who made you wear that outfit.
Apparently the container is full of - something we're led to believe
smells bad but looks more like melted chocklit ice cream. It's a present
for Nash! Hey, he better watch out - people SUE for hijinks like that!
SMOKIN' HAK (with Pornstar) v. PRINCE IAUKEA (no entrance) - everyone
makes a big deal out of Hak smoking so it looks like he's stealing Giant's
gig, har har. This man has NO regard for authority! Geez, next he'll
start drinkin' BEER or something! Referee "Blind" Scott Dickenson
requests that the cigarette be extinguished and Hak blows smoke in his
face. Bischoff (oh yeah, did I mention Bischoff is at the commentary
table) suggests that Hak's just afraid to lock up with Prince Iaukea. Of
course, he mispronounces "Iaukea." J.J. DILLON is out to tell him that
smoking is over the line and they won't let him get away with it - now,
put that thing out so we can start the match. "Make me!" CRACKA EAZY-E
walks into the ring and relieves Dillon - he's the boss with a HEART.
Hak blows some more smoke - this time in BISCHOFF'S face, while the
emerging "asshole" chant (for whom I wonder?) is quickly leveled down.
Hak shoves him! Anyway, DOUG DILLINGER & THE SECURITY CADRE are out but
Bischoff is waving them back. "No, no, it's okay." Then BISCHOFF slaps
him. The security prevents Hak from getting a measure of revenge - too
bad, a caneshot on Bischoff - ooooh, THAT'D be sweet. Bischoff removes
the cigarette and says don't throw out the match - let 'em wrestle.
Iaukea with the quick punches and a cover for 1. Chastity, meanwhile, has
a fire extinguisher. Bischoff: "No, I have no authority - I just hate
smokers." Samoan Drop attempt is thwarted with extinguisher fun. Hak has
a table now. There's Iaukea on the table - there's a forward somersault -
table doesn't break! That's MORE painful! Table in the corner - Iaukea
whipped into the table - AGAIN it doesn't break! Hak covers - 1, 2, 3
(1:34) - well now NASTY BRIAN KNOBBS is out, JAMES HART is out, HUGH
MORRUS is out - now KIDMAN is out - of COURSE, Kidman has no problems with
both Morrus and Knobss - but then, after one shot on Hart, Morrus comes
back - there's a rare powerbomb on Kidman that works! Knobbs has the
"kendo stick" in the meantime, and Hak is feeling the effects. Hak and
Knobbs on the outside - Hak coming back until Morrus catches up. Now
Morrus saying they get the last laugh. I think Knobbs said "I'M DONE
THINKING ABOUT IT!" Apparently, Bischoff was dunked with beer by some
drunk fans while this was going on. I wanna thank those guys, whoever
they are.
Hey, look, it's (six of) the Nitro Girls! Anybody seen A.C. Jazz lately?
(Thirteen minutes after) Opening Credits
LAST WEEK: Tank Abbott made a little noise, then interfered in the cage
match between Rick Steiner and Sting. "Miss Big Sexy" fell at the hands
of Team Macho, Flair revealed that he'd banned the elbowdrop (even though
the segment never came up), and Nash found a zamboni and - no wait, it was
a BEER truck, yeah, then he - no, on second thought, it must have been a
cement mixer - what? A septic services tank? Okay.
First ad break - so at least it was fifteen minutes of action to open the
show.
Oh, MAN! Terry "Hulk" Hogan! Carl Weathers! In the Nitro Original
"Assault on Death Island!" See it tomorrow on TNT!
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by VALVOLINE!
DJ RAN is all up in my area - what's he saying, "keh?" You know, the REAL
"rowdiest section in the building" would STORM his ass. THIS week Ran is
an Indians fan. Suck up.
WE ARE LIVE from the CSU (something) Center in Cleveland, OH 7.6.99 for
WCW MONDAY NITRO! Eric Bischoff is LAME! And we are a mere SIX days away
from that GREAT American Bash!
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE, BOBBY HEENAN & CRACKA EAZY-E. They talk
about Savage and Nash, who will fight in the main event at the
pay-per-view comin' up. It's not about the title anymore, oh no, THIS
time - it's personal. Bischoff reveals that he hasn't changed by telling
us that "the guy under the hood - his initials are VM." Wow! Thanks,
Sherlock!
LENNY LANE v. SCOTTY RIGGS (with mirror) - Bischoff goes on to make fun of
the "Higher Power" because he's being sued for $110 million. He really
puts the "K" in "classy," don't he? Master P and Dennis Rodman are name
dropped. I'm expecting him to soon refer to this particular match as "a
main event anywhere in the country." Bischoff accuses Riggs of ripping
off Mr. #1derful Paul Orndorff. Ripping people off? Don't go THERE, my
man! Just to make sure we care even LESS about this match, LODI comes
out. Crowd immediately picks up on it by chanting "Lodi sucks," as
opposed to watching the match. I suppose *I* could be the sole person
watching this match - would you read my play by play? Hey, look, Riggs
swiveled his hips but the camera gave him the "Elvis on Sullivan"
technique! That must be TOO hot for television! Of course, Lane pulls
down Riggs' tights and we see his ass. Bob Ryder would approve of this
"accidental" exposure because (1) it's a guy's ass instead of some chick's
tits and (2) it's WCW, a company to which Ryder once referred by saying
"I'm a shill." Commentary centers completely around Randy Savage's
"bucket of whatever." Eric tries to be funny by saying it's "a bucket of
shhhhhh----ugar water." Geez, if you're gonna steal a joke, at LEAST say
that it's shhhhhhhhaving cream. Now Eric tries to be funny by saying Lane
shouldn't wear yellow tights. If I were Lane, I'd be rushing the table
right now. Also I'd have superhuman hearing, but that's neither here nor
their. Riggs has a very nice dropkick and that's this entire match.
Finisher is a Rocker Dropper for the pin. I think we could have had this
go about HALF as long. (6:21) Another hip swivel is kept out of the
fram. 1-800-COLLECT brings you the replay of the as-yet-unrenamed
finisher - hey, I've got a cool name! "Fame'asser!"
Back in the President's office, Ric Flair tries to talk Chris Benoit back
into the Horsemen. He's ready to pass the torch! Benoit is the Man - in
waiting! Flair talks about the rift between himself and Anderson from a
few years ago, and how tough it was to be apart. Benoit says he'll think
about it. Saturn walks into the room and demands a tag team title rematch
for himself & Kanyon - but Flair says tonight he wants the match for the
Horsemen - Flair & Benoit. Saturn says he'll get his title shot, sooner
or later. Flair asks Benoit if he'll go along with it. Benoit says Page
and Bigelow are the guys that punked him last week. Flair says that
shouldn't have happened - the Horsemen can win the titles tonight, just
give him a chance. There's a handshake and a hug - Flair says it's gonna
be glorious, wooo!
If there's any justice in this sport, Benoit & Flair will win the titles
and go on to have a long, productive reign with no inner tension between
them. The LAST thing we'd want to see here is for Flair to turn on Benoit
one more time, then have Benoit and Saturn team up for a tag team title
shot this Sunday. Oops, have I been reading ahead again? Ha!
Fifteen second spot for THUNDER! features Silver King
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Grip'n'Flip Wrestlers, Slim Jim,
All-U-Need smog test scam solution, David sunflower seeds, Motel 6 7/8,
and IceSport from Aqua Velva.
RANDY SAVAGE & MADUSA 6 make their way to the ring - various plants hold
their noses as if to say "whew, that's some vile smelling stuff! Don't
you believe me?" Bischoff announces that he was told it's raw sewage in
the container. Savage talks loud and says nothing - upshot is Nash isn't
around - Savage pronounces "cajones" as "kahunas" for some odd reason.
"Symbolicky" is a new Savage word. Boy, that Eric Bischoff is just too
cool for school. Finally, at the end of his semi-open challenge, (THIS
IS) STING is out - he's back, he's back in black. I feel like I've heard
this before...Sting adds that Savage is "pretty in pink," which is
actually pretty funny considering the shag jacket he's wearing. Sting
suggests a little match between Savage and the Stinger. Savage says some
more stuff while Madusa makes "you go girlfriend" finger snaps. Savage
promises a "shampoo job" then says "if you know where the Mach is coming
from" when you just KNOW he's dying to say "smell what I'm cooking." Sting
invites a lawsuit from Jimmy Lennon, Jr., then says "Macho Madness is on
Viagra" to further incite Savage. Savage tells Nash to watch what he's
gonna do to a man called Sting.
WCW onsale! WCW onsale! This Friday - Montgomery, Macon, Peoria!
Saturday - THUNDER! in Birmingham, Nitro in Rockford, and Moline for
THUNDER! Dig it!
I *believe* this first hour has taken approximately 2.5 hours. Hey look -
it's the Nitro Girls! How DOES Fyre keep her balance anyway? The poor
girl. I'm PRETTY sure that that kind of flesh wigglin' is NOT intended
for a prying child's eyes.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week - Tony steals a line of Mike Tenay's -
"Savage took them on a one-way trip to Septic City!" At least THIS time
"bitch" is bleeped. My poor ears couldn't stand to hear it again!
The commentators laugh as if this is the funniest thing ever seen. Well,
Bischoff does anyway. BIG POOCHIE is out with his luggage and the title
belt. Wouldn't you know it - he's in the house! This interview gets the
intro-to-RAW spot? Nash also makes fun of Savage's coat - hell, Savage
EARNS those kind of shots. Nash calls out Savage. Was it all Savage?
"Stupid, stupid, stupid man" says RANDY SAVAGE, who, for an encore, tells
him he's a "stupid perseon." A ..wha?? MADUSA 6 joins him on the walk to
the ring. Savage offers Nash the chance to call himself a .. monkey? Nash
says "how come I brought one bag down here while you brought three?" Hey,
don't insult the ladies! Nash walks off while the Savage Crew stands in
the ring. Nash asks Savage to put down the bucket, and Savage complies.
Nash asks the ladies to part the ring ropes for him - and THEY comply.
Nash asks Savage to get on his knees and BEG for him to fight him tonight.
Savage actually gets on his knee, but he begs the big Macho Man in the sky
instead. Meanwhile, Nash's bag stirs - what, is Max Mini in there? No,
it's a REALLY SMALL WOMAN - who takes the bucket and dumps it on Savage.
What is that, tuna? Oatmeal? Refried beans? Eric Bischoff commences
with the hyena laugh as if this was the funniest thing he's ever seen in
his life. I bet he LOVED Cesar Romero as the Joker because he's a DEAD
soundalike. Hey, here's a replay! You know what these EXCITING shots of
a ring cleaning crew (taking time out to hold their noses for dramatic
effect) remind me of? They remind me of the Crew dismantling the set so
we could have NWO NITRO! So, you're watching this - and it's time for RAW
to come on - what do YOU watch?
And you know what the WORST part is? Raw didn't DESERVE the ratings!
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & BAM BAM BIGELOW v. THE MAN & CHRIS BENOIT (with Arn
Anderson) for the World Tag Team Championship - well, if you hung on for
another two minutes, you just MIGHT be rewarded - this match should be -
well, I don't want to fall into a trap if Flair just screws him over...
sigh. Bischoff gets another chance to give one of his "I've made
mistakes" speeches, saying people like Benoit, Malenko, and Guerrero are
the future of the company. Just a COINCIDENCE that all their contracts
are coming up soon - gee whiz, Bischoff would NEVER just say something
because he thinks people want to HEAR it. While on the subject of
coincidences, how come THESE four get to wrestle right after Savage was
slimed in this ring (and how well did they clean it up?) Benoit starts
(uh oh) and does pretty well despite a fair attempt at a doubleteam -
Bigelow taken out - but Page wallops him - off the ropes - Page ducks the
lariat and hits a TOPE SUICIDA!! through the ropes into Bigelow. Page
outside, Benoit on Page, both men back in. Page off the ropes, back elbow
from Benoit. Shot to Bigelow - swandive headbutt on Page - Bigelow breaks
it up - Flair comes in and chops away (woooo!) while Page and Benoit fight
- CRIPPLER CROSSFACE! But Page is too close to the ropes. Why does
listening to Bischoff shine on Benoit sound so friggin' phony? Elbow to
Page, snap suplex - thumb-'cross-the-throat motion - tag to Flair - but
the figure four attempt is kicked away - another attempt kicked away. Page
with a right, Flair picks up the knee and drops him on it. Now the figure
four IS on - Bigelow comes in - but his headbutt misses! Benoit is in -
Page sat up in the corner. Double chops! (Woooo!) Now chops for Bigelow.
Bigelow taken out with chops over the rope. Flair and Page - Flair asks
referee "Blind" Nick Patrick to look the other way so he can give him a
Golotta. I love that. Flair with a little dance, and a tag. Benoit is
merciless. Patrick's calling spots! Off the ropes, Bigelow tries to get
a shot, Benoit strikes back, then turns around to run into a Page lariat.
Tag to Bigelow, there's the headbutt, and another, a third headbutt.
Cover, no. Bigelow stomps on the head. Suplex coming up - very nice.
Bigelow covers and gets 2. Tag to Page, who sucks, if the crowd is to be
believed. Rather low elbow. Shot for Flair - Flair tries to come in but
Patrick holds him back - doubleteam behind the ref's back. Did Page just
steal Flair's "fat boy" line? Bigelow takes Benoit's head to the
turnbuckle. Out of the corner, Benoit puts the feet up but Bigelow hits a
clothesline coming out. Bigelow drags him over and tags. Elbowdrop is
close to a sensitive area. Now stomping away to infuriate the fans -
Flair is in and has him by the hair. While Page and Flair trade blows in
one corner, Bigelow is having his way with Benoit on the other. Page gets
in a low blow of his own on Flair, then returns to his corner to join his
partner. Choke on the second rope. Now Page distracting the ref -
Flair's walking over on the outside and getting some shots on Bigelow but
Patrick's caught up. Meanwhile, Page is having HIS way with Benoit.
Here's a HIGH powerbomb with a twist. Near fall. Benoit trying to claw
his way back up - Page with the punch. Headlock. Bischoff announces that
he's been told that Savage is unhappy - DUH. Benoit on his feet now - -
picks up Page but doesn't gain much ground. Crowd trying to help up Benoit
but they can't come up with a good chant. Benoit picks up Page again and
gets some more ground. Page lets go of the hold and stomps away until
Benoit is dead weight. Scoop and a slam, there's the tag and it's time
for Bigelow's diving headbutt - but it MISSES! Flair leading the crowd in
the rhythmic clapping - Benoit crawling - reaching - reaching - but Flair
PULLS BACK his hand! And now he's WALKING AWAY! Something gets muted
here as Anderson reacts with shock. Flair's outta here. Fuck you, WCW.
Anderson REMOVING HIS SHIRT! HE'S GONNA TAKE FLAIR'S PLACE! Bigelow with
an avalanche in the corner, legdrop to the back of the head. Crowd is
going apeshit for Arn Anderson - camel clutch from Bigelow in the
meantime. Crowd is doing everything they can to will Benoit to the corner
- but nothing's going on. Now PERRY SATURN has come out to stand in the
corner - the thinking being that there's a lot less risk for Saturn to
wrestle than Arn. Benoit tags Saturn! Rights and lefts take Page down -
springboard flying jalapeno - drop toehold on Bigelow - belly-to-belly
suplex on Page - Bigelow taken out - Spicolli Driver on Page! 1, 2, 3!
(12:26) Well...talk about a bittersweet victory. Nick Patrick awards the
titles - so ... Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions.
KANYON is out to celebrate with his good friend Saturn. But there's no
hug - instead, Saturn gets a Flatliner. Meanwhile, Bigelow and Page are
pounding on Benoit. Umm, where'd Arn Anderson go? Nick Patrick gets the
Diamond Cutter for good measure. Saturn gets the Double Diamond Cutter.
Page and Bigelow steal the belts and walk off. Tony quickly manages to
put the whole story together for us - Kanyon probably wasn't attacked last
week, and he probably didn't get released from the hospital, and he
probably LAID DOWN last week, and and and...well, hell, when did Tony get
so freakin' smart?
The Great American Bash is SUNDAY! Nash and Savage clash on pay-per-view!
DJ RAN, STORM, and SPICE get all up in my area. Hey, I WISH. Ran could
take a hike. Storm can watch. Maybe film it.
SILVER KING y LA PARKA c. DAMIAN 666 y HALLOWEEN - this is apparently a
"Mexican Hardcore match" - if it's even CLOSE to what it COULD be, it'll
kick ass - I reckon it'll REALLY end with Hugh Morrus coming out and
wasting all four of them. Parka takes his chair to Ciclope, Damian steals
the chair and gets Parka - King takes out Damian, then puts a chair to
him. Ciclope with a garbage can to King as he comes off the ropes -
Damian follows it up with a clothesline - chair-assisted senton! Damian
with the garbage can to Parka's head. Ciclope has the garbage can in the
corner - Damian drop toehold from the Ciclope whip into the can. Another
can put over Parka's head - Damian flies into the can. Shot for King.
Backdrop over the top rope and Parka's out. Ciclope with the baseball
slide into the chair, into Parka. Ready to fly - Damien whips him into a
tope - and Parka puts up a chair to CLOCK him. Parka sets up the chair -
and dances on it - so Damien kicks him to the floor. Silver King goes on
to hit a dropkick high up in the air, to the chair, taking Damien to the
floor - Silver King off the top rope - but Damien throws the chair at his
head! You know, this looks pretty fucking painful - so I wish Schiavone
and Heenan would STOP LAUGHING already and appreciate this. Parka back in
the ring - kick to Damien's face as he tries to come in. Chair set up -
Damien sat down - King holds him as Parka runs the ropes - tope through
the ropes onto Damien. Damn. Ciclope off the ropes with a tope to Parka.
Silver King is in and starting some rhythmic clapping to get the crowd
awake. Garbage can toss over Ciclope's head - ASAI MOONSAULT FROM SILVER
KING!! Dammit, Tony, STOP LAUGHING. Paint tray - garbage can - garbage
can lid - La Parka dance - it's all running together for me. Damien set
up in the corner now - chair in the centre of the ring. Fighting on the
top rope - Parka pulls Damien out into the chair face first. 1, 2, no!
Referee "Blind" Johnny Boone is glad to be around. Parka sets up Damien
on top again - King sets up a chair - Ciclope wings him with a garbage can
lid - and *Tony Schiavone* catches it off the rebound - yow. Backdrop
over the top rope - Silver King on Ciclope - table spot coming up - no -
Silver King stops it. Looks like - TORNADO DDT FROM THE APRON TO THE
TABLE! King and Ciclope demolish it - King with the DDT, so he's in
better shape (ha). Meanwhile, Parka and Damien in the ring - in the
corner - table set up - Frankensteiner from Damien - NO! BLOCKED!
SUPERPOWERBOMB THROUGH THE TABLE!!! 1, 2, KICKOUT!!!!!! *FINALLY* Tony
and Bobby are impressed. Two chairs set up - Damien powerbombed through
them - and I don't mean THROUGH them, because they DID NOT MOVE. 1, 2, 3.
(7:14) You know, put some REAL commentators on that match and it's MATCH
OF THE WEEK. Instead, I was just waiting for it to end. Sad, really.
Tony breathlessly hypes "Assault on Death Mountain." Hey Tony, assault
THIS!
Konnan says something about being a Str8 up G and you should buy his shirt
to be as cool as him - if you're reading this, you're probably TWICE as
cool as Konnan ALREADY
Quick! What's wrong with this WCW MasterCard ad? Whyspyr? Check.
Diamond Dallas Page, a heel, is the featured performer? Check. Old WCW
logo in predominance? Check.
DJ Ran goes old school to keep it real, then he cuts up some C&W R&B for
his man Curt Hennig.
Backstage, Scott Norton proves he's the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE by claiming to
have watched his tape of Nitro and seeing his NWO black'n'white
stablemates flee after the Cat done whacked him upside the head with a
crowbar. The rest of the NWO folk try to suppress laughter and tell
Norton it didn't really happen like that. YOU tell me they haven't been
reading ScoopTHIS! when Norton
complains that they didn't all get together after the match last week.
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION THE CAT (with Sonny Onoo) v. ? - Oh boy,
he's dancin'! He's James Brown! James Brown! James Brown! James Brown!
James Bron! Cat runs his mouth - he shook up the world, taking Scott
Norton down with one kick. The most amusing part of this spiel is
watching ring announcer David Penzer make "I'm confused" faces to help
underscore the fact that - gosh, that Cat - he's just so CONFUSING. The
Open Challenge is on, something gets muted, and now Cat's roughing up
DAVID PENZER. "Ladies and gentlemen, the Cat would like to be
acknowledged by the fans here in Cleveland and all over the world on
Monday Nitro as the Greatest of all time - and the Godfather of Soul!"
Next thing you know, HORACE is out and a match is on. Horace takes care
of the Cat, then decks Onoo. Unfortunately, he runs into a superkick.
Scoop and a slam from the Cat. Oh, he's feeling it - there's a dance move
before dropping the forearm. Step on the face. Off the ropes - flourish
forearm doesn't work this time as Horace springs up. Chop time (woooo!),
two, three - pose to the crowd - whip into the opposite corner - followup
lariat. Onoo's up on the ropes and Cat's got the crowbar - in a split
screen, we see the NWO Black'n'white laughing at Horace - but, after the
whack and the pin (2:00), Norton doesn't think it's so funny when Horace
doesn't get up. He suggests they run the ring, calling Cat something that
gets muted (sigh). Meanwhile, Cat is in the ring doing his dead on JB
impersonation - he's exhausted, he can't dance no more - NO WAIT! He
throws off the robe and he's going again! He's - well, now he's
sprinting, as the NWO is out to the rescue. Horace tries to play
"amnesia" for laughs, and Stevie Ray dutifully squeezes in a "fruit
booty."
Closed captioning where available sponsored by AMERICA (HA) ONLINE! Eh?
What's that?
Hey look - it's the Nitro Girls! Heenan says "Never miss a step" and I do
believe he's serious - oh Gosh. Tony proclaims his love for Spice - you
stay away from her, you fat, married....oh sorry
GENE O. works tonight! and immediately sucks up to the Cleveland faithful.
Then he calls out ROWDY RODDY PIPER for a slice of surrealism pie with
unintelligble sauce on the side. Piper starts off with the EXACT same
sucking up with the Indians and the Browns. Jesus. Piper says he's gonna
make Flair bleed to death - hey, can you bleed in WCW? After he takes
control of the company, he's gonna stir up some stuff. Piper says he's
tired of the young punks whining about not being in the main event.
After again infringing on Michael Buffer's trademark ("...to
gruuuuumblllle!"), Piper calls out BUFF IS THE STUFF. Gene takes a
powder. Is Piper acting the heel here? Piper asks Bagwell how many times
he's done MSG - never. Bagwell tells Piper this isn't 1975 anymore - Piper
asks what exactly "the stuff" is. "You're lookin' at it, man!" Piper
says that after he wins at the Bash, he'll give Bagwell the ball - but if
he drops it, he'll be after him. Bagwell promises that if he gets the
ball, he'll run with it. Wha...? So, Piper's....he's running down
Bagwell, but...
Why yes, here's ANOTHER mention of "Assault on Death Mountain." TUESDAY!
In a limo, we see Madusa 6 (but not the lucky cameraman!) call to Kevin
Nash, who happens to be walking by - they call him over for a good time -
Nash doesn't believe it. He calls them out to check out the car - and
only sees a cameraman. He has the driver pop the trunk - seeing nothing
there, he puts his bag in there (hey, is that chick still in his back? How
will she breathe?) - he asks them if they want to get in, "oh no, you
first" - Nash must be the DUMBEST guy alive, because he gets in and
promptly has the door closed on him - the drivers' window lowers to reveal
THE UNDERTAKER!! No, actually it's Savage. "You like being a smartass?
Wanna go for a ride?" Then he pulls the limo up and parks it next to a
dumpster, then calls out "Get 'im!" and a Hummer rams the limo. Three
times, even! Nash punches out the window, but that's all he's got
strength to do. Thank GOD he's not bleeding, though!
Okay, that was kinda cool.
Konnan hawks his shirt for the second time. Reread my earlier recap of
this ad if you REALLY have time to kill
Tony says this is now a very different WCW Nitro, yet he sounds EXACTLY
the same. Anyway...
BOBBY DUNCUM, JNR (with Curt Hennig) v. REY MYSTERIO, JNR (with Konnan) in
a "winner gets to remove the Jr." match - Curt joins the commentators and
laughs at Nash's predicament. Hennig's pretty cool. Rey and Konnan wear
gas masks to the ring - actually, Rey hits the ring - Konnan goes over to
talk with his good friend DJ Ran. Does Rey now also believe he's a bus?
Apparently, we are blessed with Konnan performing colour commentator from
DJ Ran's platform. Konnan tries to say something about the old guys to
make the smarts happy, but it's SO OBVIOUS NOW. Listening to Hennig and
Konnan, I can't help but think that THIS is what those Lincoln/Douglas
debates must have been like. Konnan says "It's all good" about a MILLION
times. Hennig: "Go get 'em, Bobby D. DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!" There IS a
match going on, yeah. Hennig: "What's the DJ Ran position?" Konnan:
"It's all good!" Apparently, the broncobuster is now called the "rough
rider." Well, Hennig's had enough - while Rey is trying for the
Frankensteiner, Hennig gets on the apron and clocks him with a right - and
into a Duncum powerbomb. (DQ 4:21) Get excited! Duncum and Hennig take
on Mysterio and Konnan Sunday! The PERFECT bathroom break! Tony says his
mind was away from this match, not only from all the banter between Hennig
and Konnan, but because his thoughts are with Big Sexy Kevin Nash. Make
your own joke here.
wcw.com promo
Tony shills the WCW Hotline
Tony and Bobby talk about Savage - he's the most dangerous man in sports,
you know. Say, who was driving that Hummer anyway? Let Us Take You Back
to a Replay of it in case you were watching some other show earlier -
hmmm, some other show - hey, what else is on right now? Hey, how come
Savage can say "smartass" and not get muted? And how come nobody's
worried about the poor cameramen? Or the poor woman in Kevin Nash's
luggage? Tony asks again, who's the Humvee driver? I'll bet we don't
find out for three months! Or EVER! Tony says he thinks the World Title
is in jeopardy. Oh no! Let's reflect on this with another ad break!
Local promo hypes the GAB
Tony tells us we don't know Nash's condition but medical help is on site -
any further news of these grave developments and we'll pass 'em along.
Geez, what was that - a forty second promo?
Didn't I just see this SMINT ad?
Didn't I just see this Norelco ad?
Didn't I just hear Tony shill the WCW hotline? Jesus!
DJ Ran, all up in your area, gets the crowd to say "Hell yeah," proving
he's a closet Austin fan - then he congratultes the lucky winner of a
SURGE T-shirt.
The STEINER BROTHERS walk out and I'm guessing that I'm spared from
wrestling for another segment. Don't I have anything better to do
tonight? It could be worse, I suppose - "Steinerline" could be playing.
Scott: "Shut up! I'll be with you later on tonight, baby. You see all my
hooches have a space to fill, and they all tell me I'm the big thrill!
So believe me when I'm beteen [he forgot the "w"] the sheets, and I'm
pushing the pink, there isn't a freak that'd ever think that I'm just an
ordinary man - hell no! I'm SUPERMAN! Because I am the Big Bad Booty
Daddy! So this goes to all my freaks out there, Big Poppa Pump is your
hookup - holla if ya hear me!" Scott keeps talking but my fingers are
tired. Basically it involves talking about Sting not having any friends
in WCW despite the fact that we keep seeming to see Lex Luger nearby...or
maybe I'm remembering it wrong. Rick takes the mic and says the Steiners
are at the top of the food chain, and everyone else if fresh meat.
"Sting - I catch you anywhere in the Dog Pound, and I'm gonna take you
out! So everybody in the back - you don't like me, bite(mute) You want
some, come get some - 'cause I'm the DFG and I back down from nobody!"
Why did they mute "bite me?" I'm thinking those CENSORS should (mute).
HEY! I only said "lay off the button!" Is "lay" a bad word now? It is?
Oh. Sorry.
I think this is the third break in a row starting with that SMINT ad. I
don't mind it as much 'cause that chick's dress is REALLY short, but, come
on - there IS such a thing as saturation...
Where there's SMINT, there's Norelco
Promotional consideration paid for by WCW Grip'n'flip wrestlers, the Super
Soaker CPS, Travelodge (home of the dorky bear - I mean SLEEPY! SLEEPY!)
and IceSport from Aqua Velva AAAAND Western Onion
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where a cute little contortionist
dumped something bad on Savage - hey, did Savage say "kick your ass" in
THAT segment as well? Savage is on FIRE with the cursin'! You know, that
stuff actually kinda looks like Underwood Deviled Ham.
Again Tony asks who drove the Humvee. Hmmm....Jake Roberts? Savio Vega?
Hal Linden?
DISCO INFERNO comes to the ring and actually asks that they cut his music
- see, he's serious, no dancing! He says that Bagwell already dropped the
ball - he had the chance to look Roddy Piper in the eye and tell him that
he stinks, and he didn't do it. Buff's got no guts, and Buff's got no
stuff. No wonder he got kicked out of the Wolfpack! Inferno challenges
Bagwell to come down and show him that he's a man.
DISCO INFERNO v. BUFF IS THE STUFF - Tony falls over himself to say that
Eric Bischoff has EXCLUSIVE information about Kevin Nash, but only on
wcw.com RIGHT NOW. Oh man, I missed an opportunity to tell Bischoff what
I thought of his crappy television show? Oh well. So Eric's not gonna
tell US on TV? Bagwell tells Disco that he may have been kicked out of
the Wolfpack, but Disco was never IN it. This makes Disco unhappy, and he
attacks. Tony picks up a Walter Conkrite anchorman accent for about 15
seconds here. Bagwell, of course, quickly turns the tide, plays to the
crowd, and doesn't lose the momentum until Disco Inferno manages a couple
Golottas. Schiavone is still asking who was driving the Hummer. Hey,
maybe it was Vince McMahon! No, wait. MAYBE his initials were "E.B."
Oooh, what a shocker THAT'D be, huh? Disco cheats a lot, then, of course,
goes for the neck. The neck will be the focus of EVERY Bagwell match from
now until the end of time. Disco tosses Bagwell through the ropes, then
poses. Now he's outside and after him. Head into the ringpost. Stomp.
Hey, let's have an ad break so this match can last a little longer!
"Assault on Death Mountain" world premiere hype
SMINT ad (again)
Hey, you think there'll be a Norelco ad here?
No, but we DO get a local promo for the JEE AY BEE
We're back and that's some headlock Disco Inferno's got on Bagwell - but
wait! His leg is twitching! Elbow, elbow, elbow, breaks the hold, off
the ropes, Bagwell wears TOMMY - Sunset flip for 2! Disco Inferno with a
lariat - 1, 2, no. Forearm from the second rope finds nothin'. Too much
posing! Buff's on fire - off the ropes, baack bodydrop. Lariat. Right.
Off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker for 2. Off the ropes, Disco ducks,
off the ropes, HE hits a swinging neckbreaker. Tony is one note -
whodrovethehummer, EricBischoffisonthewebsite. Maybe that's two notes.
Blockbuster. Thank you, drive through. 1, 2, 3. (8:04) IMMEDIATE AD
BREAK
Hey, THERE'S that Norelco ad! I guess I won't go through Smint ad
withdrawl...
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro LIVE is brought to you by Nestle Crunch -
eaten by all sorts of fat animated cartoony characters.
SPICE sure makes glowsticks look good - hey, I have a glowstick she could
use...oh God, I'm SORRY, that sounds SO awful. I blame Jocelyn Enriquez
for recording "A Little Bit of Ecstasy," and totally ripping off Planet
Soul in the process.
THAT was the whole segment?
One more Great American Bash promo - thank God, no more of these until
next year
RANDY SAVAGE (with Madusa 6) v. (THIS IS) STING - "Big Sexy's gone - and
now - another one bites the dust - Sting is finished oooh yeah!" You
know, sometimes I almost forget that Savage is bald. Just kidding. Sting
rushes the ring and they scatter. Wowwwwww! Gorgeous George jumps on
Sting's back to start - Savage with punches. Eyegouge. Outside we go -
Sting meets the STEEL barricade - now with his throat. Miss Madness with
a sleeper while Madusa kicks away. Four on one - yeah, Sting'll win.
Back in the ring, choke is on, much to referee "Blind" Johnny Boone's
dismay. Savage runs Sting's face along the top rope, oops leaving no
makeup on the rope. We just had an earthquake at 0912! Savage standing
on the neck. Well, it felt like it. Savage makes threatening motions to
Boone, then goes back to Sting. Stinging jabs with the lefts. "We want
puppies" chant? Heh. Savage distracts the ref, so there's a tripleteam
from the ladies. Savage stands on the neck for 4, then does it again.
Sting thrown through the ropes. Savage follows. Sting's head meets the
commentator table. To the barricade, clubbin' blow on the back. The
women up on the apron again - here's the international object - no, it's
powder - right in Sting's eyes - hey, how did Boone miss that big CLOUD
when he turned around? He's a professional! Sting set up on the top rope
- FrankenStarla? No, Sting shoves her off! Savage just leveled Boone
with a right. PILEDRIVER! I think this match is effectively over.
MICKEY J. comes out to ring the bell. (DQ 4:14) So Savage chucks HIM out
of the ring. Right to Sting - Sting FINALLY comes back, and with a
vengenance. Savage in the corner - Savage pulled Miss Madness in front of
him to block the Stinger splash! Another corner - Madusa thrown into the
corner by Savage! Gorgeous George stands between Sting and Savage -
Savage at least pushes HER away (hey, which one is he sleeping with
again?) and takes the Stinger splash this time. RICK WOOF WOOF is out,
though, and he's on Sting. Here's SUPERSTAH SCOTT STEINER as well, here's
a belt shot to Sting's head - ahh, there's THE NARCISSIST come out
wielding a baseball bat. Sounds like a good time to duck out before Luger
turns heel on us again. (Luger wears FUBU?) See ya at the Great American
Bash!