by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
WCW is coming to the Cow Palace Friday! Hogan & Sting team to take on Sid
& Savage, despite the fact that we haven't seen them together in weeks!
Ric Flair takes on Goldberg...or does he? Buff Bagwell takes on Rick
Steiner - "for the last time!" There was a four-way hardcore match, but
I missed Worldwide and don't know if that's changed. Sadly, no Kevin Nash
- he was forced into retirement (snicker). Why am I telling you all this?
Well, I forgot to remind Rick to get WOW Magazine to sneak me in...it's
probably too late now but it never hurts to put a big ol' hint at the top
of the page!
I GET LETTERS: I find it kind of ironic that you rip on wrestlers like
Austin and the Rock for being "repetitive" when every week in your recap
you say the exact same crap over and over!! Joe Blow is walking, This is
Sting, Big Poochie, etc............ Oh well, I guess it's just the pot
calling the kettle black. - TONYDX1068
It seems to me that there is only one logical conclusion for
WCW to come to regarding who drove the Hummer. It has to be Kevin
Nash. Anything else might make sense. - David McKie
Hey, Dennis Rodman *did not suck* on Saturday, and I'm as shocked as you
are. That match actually could have been the highlight of the (pretty
much boring and lacklustre) card except they decided to WWF it up with a
trip to the portacrapper, complete with "waste." Ewwww. That much was
doing just fine on its own! Come ON!
Well, at least with Sting laying down for Sid, we all know what a terrible
president he made...ha!
And if I've pissed you off ALREADY, you should STOP READING NOW! Because
it only gets worse once the show actually STARTS...
QUICK QUOTE: SPLN 19 3/16 (+1 11/16) - Put that gun down, the Franchise is
coming back...slowly...
LAST WEEK: "WCW NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR HOGAN & NASH" - TV-PG-DLV -
"HOLLYWOOD
HULKS UP!" - Closed captioned symbol - wow, that's it?
WCW logo - now in "Everything" flavour
Opening credits - kaboom!
"You have waited all week for this moment - ladies and gentlemen, wait no
more!" And with those words, let the Tony bashing begin! Hey, look, it's
the NITRO GIRLS!
WE ARE LIVE from the World Arena in Colorado Springs, CO 16.8.99 and have
you ever seen so many FIREWORKS!? Hulkamania is a raging disease that
cannot be stopped - since he won on Saturday...
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN. Not only did Hogan defeat
Kevin Nash, but Harlem Heat took the tag team titles, Benoit kept his US
title, and Sid defeated Sting (sigh) to bring his "streak" to "55-0"
Tonight, Sid and Hogan for the world title, in a rematch we had to wait
FOUR weeks for! Needless to say, it's Tony who says "Fans, this is truly
one of the biggest main events we've had in many many months!"
Let's go to the still pictures of Road Wild and show you what a great
company man (yet lousy president) Sting made.
Come to think of it...let me go back and check that 19 July Nitro
report...yup. Hogan vs. Sid - DQ 9:11. Who lost THAT match, you ask?
Well, let's just say he's apparently "55-0" right now.
Not that WCW would expect us to REMEMBER that.
Or 21 June, for that matter - Sting defeats Vicious by DQ in 6:11 - then
asks the crowd to say "suck it" to our great delight
Oh, wait, am I just LOOKING for a reason tonight? I must be BIASED. How
can you ENJOY being treated like a moron? Really? Why WATCH this show
when they're going to find totally NEW ways to insult your intelligence
EACH AND EVERY WEEK?
Please send all complaints to ringmaster@wrestleline.com.
LASH LeROUX v. JUVENTUD GUERRERA - tonight, Goldberg takes on Barry
Windham! Diamond Dallas Page takes on Kidman! Rick Steiner defends his
television title against Brian Knobs! Stick around, SOMETHING should
appeal to you sooner or later. Also, Sid Vicious is fifty-five and oh.
Give me a FRICKIN' break. It's really amazing that in my "One Year Ago"
Nitro report, I spent a great deal of time chewing out the WCW brain trust
for spending three hours talking about WWF "ten second main events" -
remember that? And tonight I get this "55-0" nonsense that I'll probably
have to endure for three hours. If you're looking for play-by-play, you
don't get it. WCW doesn't care about wrestling, so why should I? SID
VISCOUS comes out to chokeslam Guerrera (DQ 2:39) and powerbomb LeRoux.
Fans chant "Hogan" because THEY didn't come to see wrestling either, so
Sid powerbombs LeRoux again. He's 55-0! 55-0! 55-0! 55-0! "In case no
one knows what's happening..." oh boy. "...in the year 2000, the name Sid
Vicious will be heard the loudest! In the year 2000, I will accumulate
more wins than anyone in the history of professional wrestling. The name
Goldberg will be obsolete! So you gotta realise I don't enjoy coming out
and beating people up like this, but it's what I have to do. Okay, enough
about that. You, Mr. Hogan, if you can chant 'Hogan, Hogan, Hogan' all
night long." Crowd chants "Goldberg." "But you Mr. Hogan, you got
something that belongs to me, and that's the World Heavyweight belt. You
see, you're not the Heavyweight champ until ya go through me, Mr. Hogan,
and I am gonna do THIS all night long until Hogan comes down and gives me
what is mine. That's the bottom line." Crowd: "'cause Stone Cold said
so!"
Shit, should we even bother with this report? "Here's SID VISCOUS come
out to powerbomb both guys. DQ." Repeat ten times. "But Hogan has
the support of the fans - Hulkamania can not be denied! SMELL THE
RATINGS! HOGAN WINS! HOGAN WINS! HOGAN WINS! THE STREAK IS OVER!"
There you go. GOOD NIGHT!
You're still here?
Fine.
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, America (ha!) Online, Moen
faucets, Motel 6 7/8, Viractin cold sore medicine (Nitro gives you cold
sores), Hot Pockets from Hot Pockets
Time now for a MAJOR WCW onsale announcement! Friday tickets on
sale for Roanoke! Saturday tickets go on sale for Winston-Salem for Fall
Brawl, and Norfolk! Tomorrow, you can still get tickets for Casper, and
Wednesday for Amarillo!
STEVE REGAL (with David Taylor) v. SCOTTY RIGGS - Why hasn't Regal been
handed the World Television title on a silver platter yet? Who do the
fans root for here? Regal's a heel. Riggs is a heel. Can you tell they
just stuck these two guys together with absolutely no thought because they
just needed two bodies out there so SID VISCOUS can come out with a fluid
chokeslam for Regal (DQ 1:29) and powerbomb for Riggs? God damn WCW. If
we're REALLY lucky, Sid will speak! "If you can hear me Hogan, I am
pleading - for the rest of the people in WCW, that they don't have to go
through this. Answer me. Give me what's mine, Mr. Hogan, just give me
what's mine. Give me what's mine. Goldberg - that's one more - one more
towards your - your win record, which one day will be my win record, and
the name Goldberg will never echo...AGAIN!" If I weren't so pissed off,
I'd actually be enjoying Sid's smiling delivery here. But, alas, I am.
You know, maybe I DON'T want to go to that show at the Cow Palace. Of
course, it wouldn't be as bad as THIS show...right?
Right?
Closed captioning where available hand delivered by Western Union
Nash has Monster Truck Madness! This is quite believable, because it sure
SEEMS like he's been playing his N64 instead of spending time coming up
with a decent three hours of Nitro booking...
Sting carries the card - and walks around art galleries in full mime
getout. Funny that they highlight the Ric Flair and Konnan cards when
neither guy's been in action for quite some time...
This portion of the WCW Nitro Suckfest brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT.
I don't like this when Kane does it either.
Or the Undertaker.
The Dynamic Duo mention that it could very wel be a monumental night for
Sid Vicious - or for Hulkamania.
Let's go to the still frames from Saturday's Road Wild pay-per-view.
"This was a classic big man, strongman wrestling match." Actually, this
was late eighties all over again and it left me with a bad feeling - as in
"I've got a bad feeling about this" bad feeling. And you know it.
THREE TIME WORLD KARATE CHAMPION AND THE GODFATHER OF SOUL THE CAT (with
Sonny Onoo) v. MIKE ENOS (with "Tonight Show" music??) - Cat predicts
he'll defeat Enos in four minutes or leave town and never come back. Why
the HELL did Enos come out to the Leno theme? Enos is a big star with
quite a nice win streak on shows like Saturday Night and Worldwide, if
Tony Schiavone is to be believed. And if you still are of a mind to
believe ANYTHING coming out of Schiavone's mouth, you need to go read
somebody else's recap. I hear Galatea's being groomed to replace me.
Ring announcer DAVID PENZER is forced to announce the time of the
match as "3:39" although Cat REALLY gets the pinfall in (2:12) and I guess
I should say "well, at least Sid didn't run in on THIS match..." I guess
I should ALSO tell you that Enos had his way for most of this match, but
forgot he was a veteran by making the rookie mistake of turning to Onoo at
the worst time.
BERLYN is technical, determined, and victorious. AND really funny
lookin'! Proving that I DID take Deutsch in a previous life, I'm going to
take a stab at cutting through those echoes and tell you that I THINK he's
saying "Losing...is not an option." Of course, HE'S saying it more like
this "Lysyng...ys nyt yn yptyyn."
Sid's beating up SILVER KING and LA PARKA when we come back. There are
two people out of these three I'd really like to see on Nitro, WRESTLING.
Of course, they're busy having kegs thrown at them and being powerbombed
into plastic bags filled with popcorn. "Thank God for the popcorn!"
Sid: "Now Hogan, NOW maybe you'll listen. 'Cause you don't want to see
this happen to EVERYONE in WCW! So give me what's mine and it'll all be
over. Sweet, sweet, sweet..."
Yeah, a one minute segment to boot!
Universal Goldberg ad in here somewhere
LENNY (with Lodi) v. REY REY for the World Cruiserweight Championship -
"Retro Lodi outfits 4 ratings" - "Must see Lodi + Lenny TV" - "We dive
with Greg Louganis" - good God, they just sneak it in, don't they? -
"Blair Witch Fears Lodi + Lenny" - Rey puts Lenny in a waistlock, so Lenny
wiggles his ass into Rey's...well, at least we can take THIS match
seriously! "Irvine stole my pants!" sign reminds me that Chris Jericho
DID have some Lodi duds on for his debut last week - and Lodi's apparently
just TRYING to get fired with signs like that. Lenny and Lodi hug on the
apron, and Rey gives Lenny a shot, then whips him into his "brother" for
the collision. Of the ropes, Lenny somehow reverses into a faceslam for
2. TWO! ONE COUNT AWAY FROM BEING CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!
Anyway, let's get real here. Flying headscissors from Mysterio. Off the
ropes, reverse, Mysterio spin (tm) Rey dumps him over the top rope, almost
onto Lodi, but he hits the apron. So Rey goes over the top rope with a
somersault Thesz press on LODI. Lane to the top turnbuckle - HOLY SHIT!
MOONSAULT TO THE FLOOR!! Back in the ring. Whip into the opposite corner
- but Rey ducks out and Lenny hits the top turnbuckle. Here's the
broncobuster - aw shit, here's SID VISCOUS to shove Rey across the ring
(DQ 2:32) - double chokeslam on Lenny and Lodi, powerbomb for Mysterio.
Well, here's (THIS IS) STING finally. Blows traded as we cut to YOU KNOW
WHO gimping to the ring - I guess we have Sting and Sid fighting so we
have a focus away from how badly Hogan's LIMPING as he "jogs" to the ring.
Sid quickly takes his leave as Sting and Hogan pump up the crowd.
GENE O. works tonight! And he's in the middle of the ring now to
talk to Sting and Hogan. Sid's got a mic. "Hogan, you and I know you
don't want none of this! You don't want none of this! So tell your
adoring fans that you're gonna give me my belt." "You know something Sid,
you look pretty happy that you got away from the Stinger, but not as happy
as me brother, because when I put the world title on the line, I want you
at 100% because I came here to train, say my prayers, then kick your ass!"
Hogan's EDGY! Vicious again tells Hogan he wants none of this. *I* want
none of this. Anyway, Hogan says after he defeats Sid tonight, next week
he'll give Sting a title shot in Vegas. They ARE the best of friends, you
know. And will be right up until Hogan's next heel turn. Sting gets
about five words in edgewise which I can't be bothered to transcribe here.
Hogan tries on his "train, say your prayers, and kick your ass" line one
more time, and I'm still waiting for Rick to publicly proclaim how wrong
he was to want so badly for one more run in the red and yellow for Hogan.
Camera focuses on a giant "HULKAMANIA DIES" banner as Tony proclaims that
"later tonight, Hulkamania lives!" I long for death's sweet embrace.
Maybe I should go do RAW now come back to this show later. No, I'll just
be too tempted to take a "vacation" like ... oh never mind.
Promotional consideration paid for by David (Flair) sunflower seed,
Toaster Breaks from Hot Pockets, Targon enabler for smokers, IceSport from
Aqua Velva, Hooked on Phonics, and Naya
INSANE CLOWN POSSE (with Vampiro and Raven) v. PUBLIC ENEMA (with Double
Tables) - WHEN RAP GROUPS COLLIDE! Oh, sorry, this isn't THAT Public
Enemy. Crowd chants for "ICP" even though I *believe* WCW would like you
to treat them as heels. Johnny Grunge DESTROYING Shaggy 2 Dope - as he
should since he's an actual wrestler. Rock in - double back elbow into
double elbowdrop! I sure missed that. The WWF REALLY missed the boat on
these guys - I wonder what the story was behind that... Violent J tagged
in and he manages to get the upperhand on Rock, who was jawing with
Vampiro and distracted. Whip into the opposite corner - elbow - elbow,
right, whip into the opposite corner, Rock steps aside, tag to Grunge -
headbutt. Shooting him into the ropes, reversed, Raven grabs the foot,
turning Grunge around, J from behind. Sending him out, Vampiro sends him
into the STEEL steps. Whipped into the barricade. Rock over to
rescue his teammate, but J still on him as he's put back in the ring.
Off the ropes - double clothesline. Crowd clapping for Public Enemy -
finally giving the face treatment to the faces. Tag to Rock! HOUSE
AFIRE! Right, right, clothesline, clothesline, Shaggy flips three times.
Double flapjack - "table chant" - top rope Frankensteiner from Rock!
Commentators miss it, of course. Shaggy 2 Dope, the recipient of said
rana, is placed on the double table stack - Grunge on the apron, Rock on
the top rope - Rock and Shaggy THROUGH BOTH TABLES!! Back in the ring,
Grunge taking it to Violent J despite both men being illegal men, as
protested by referee "Blind" Johnny Boone. Grunge attempting an
avalanche, and J pulling Boone between them. Vampiro up on the top
turnbuckle - there's a spinning leg lariat - there's the Nail in the
Coffin! Vampiro places Violent J on top, then rousts Boone, who forgets
that neither man in legal and counts the fall - 1, 2, 3. (6:39) Well, I
actually can't complain about that match - if you weren't paying
attention, you just missed the beginning of RAW! You think Hogan will
somehow find a way to claim credit if they hold the viewers?
So if the next two hours are GREAT, will that make me forget the FIRST
hour? Is THAT how they think it works?
Does it work like that for YOU?
That new Burger King logo kinda sucks too
Oh boy, DJ RAN is all up in my area! This hour is rated TV-PG-DLV! Ran
shops at the same hockey jersey store as Public Enemy, by the way -
EVERYBODY wants to suck up to the locals tonight!
Hey look - it's the NITRO GIRLS!
Gene O. welcomes HARLEM HEAT to the ring. They won the belts back not
only for themselves, but for the People. Booker T. thanks Diamond Dallas
Page for making them "eight time, eight time, eight time, eight time,
eight time, eight time, eight time, tag team champions of the world!" So
why'd he only say it seven times? Stevie Ray says that they're gonna take
on all comers as well as any fruit booties that are so inclined. Booker
T. says that Colorado Springs is gonna turn this mutha out, now can u dig
it?
Let's go to the still shots where Harlem Heat defeated Bam Bam Bigelow and
Kanyon to win the titles. "That's not a double IV Horsemen symbol, that's
eight time champions!" Oooh, TONY feeling feisty by slipping in the
Horsemen reference! He and Lodi must be racing to see who can get fired
first....GO TONY GO! YOU CAN BEAT HIM, BABY!
Nash has a chronic case of Monster Truck Madness - hel-LOOOO, NURSE!
Konnan, in what I hope is his only appearance of the night, shills his
bombay off da hook T-shirt - peep that parental advisory! Rrrrowr!
BERLYN promo #2 - in case you missed it during the hour that people
actually WATCH Tony: "Brand new athlete from German - Berlyn will be
coming to WCW, making his debut right here in a mere two weeks!" Well,
let's see, it's GermanY (note missing last letter), he ISN'T brand new, in
fact it was TONY that noticed Alex Wright in the full garb in the front
row of Nitro back on 19 April - ohh, wait, that was more than three months
ago. Tony probably just forgot. Anyway...
A familiar theme of old fires up over the PA as the NWO - WELL, WHAT'S
LEFT OF THEM appears in the aisle. Horace is unhappy that Stevie Ray had
the gall to put down his former compadres. Scott Norton says does a lot
of screaming - Adams steals the mic from Norton and says he and Vincent
will be happy to take on Harlem Heat tonight - Norton takes umbrage and
throws an elbow, then a tripleteam beatdown occurs on Adams. Why? Well,
the REAL reason is so he can put on some KISS makeup next week in Vegas,
but in terms of the story - there ISN'T any REAL good reason to trim the
numbers of the NWO down to three, but ... well, not that there's any
compelling reason to keep the NWO at all, now that you mention it...
well, except for the shirt sales... ah, let's just move on.
Gene O. namedrops John Boy and Billy by way of welcoming KIDMAN to the
ring. Okerlund says "chick magnet" 'cause he's hip, you know. Kidman
says a clique's forming between himself, Rey, Konnan and Eddie - they're
"a bunch of filthy animals." Kidman and Okerlund mention that they've
seen the Nitro Girls PPV many times. Okerlund asks Kidman which Nitro
Girl is his favourite, and Kidman says Kimberly. Of course, this brings
out DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE. "What the hell are you talking about?" Kidman
says he wouldn't disrespect either Page OR his wife. Page says Kidman
doesn't know how to spell respect: "R...E...S.." and then he slaps him.
Then he asks for a ref.
DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. KIDMAN - Tony calls this an impromptu match, which
is fine and all, but was I just DREAMING when they actually mentioned this
match at the top of the program? Off the ropes, Page with a tilt-a-whirl
into a semi-sidewalk slam, semi-backdrop. Page removes his shirt and
chokes Kidman with it - snapmare by the shirt. Kick, kick, scoop - and a
slam. Off the ropes with a flourish elbowdrop. 1, 2, KICKOUT!! Choke on
the second rope. Kick in the gut. Off the ropes, Kidman reverses into a
flying headscissors. Tornado - no, Page just drops him. PAGE POWERBOMBS
KIDMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Write this date down! 1, 2, PAGE PULLS HIM UP!!
Page threatens referee "Blind" Billy Silverman when he takes exception to
that action. Page feeding the crowd. Into the opposite corner, boot up -
Kidman runs at him, but runs into a spinebuster. 1, 2, LETS HIM UP AGAIN.
Page signals for the Diamond Cutter - Fireman's carry - Kidman slides off
the Diamond Cutter attempt, drops into a rollup - 1, 2, 3! (3:13) Page,
shocked, gives a wicked sneer and UNLEASHES a sledgehammer blow on Kidman.
There's a Diamond Cutter for Silverman. Kidman on Page's back with a
sleeperalike - Page drops HIM with a Diamond Cutter. Fans boo with relish
and mustard. Time to tie Kidman to the Tree of Woe! Page removes
Silverman's belt, Kidman's shirt and whips him like the proverbial
government mule. NITRO GRRL KIMBERLY is out, and I mean with breasts and
everything - she pulls off Page, who is choking Kidman with the belt.
"This guy's your friend! You're blowing this waaay out of proportion -
come on!" Page finally lays off, then kills the solemnity of the moment
by calling him a "filthy booger" one more time. Still, I think I just
MIGHT have become interested in DDP one more time - even if it means
Kidman is taken out of the Cruiserweight title picture. Hell, maybe
this'll actually move Kidman up the card. Or is that TOO optimistic?
The replay is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin.
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by WRANGLER! One.
Word. Sentences.
This is quite an ad break here. When you think Bootsy Collins, think
DOMINO'S! THEN I hear "Ring of Fire!" Then...I fast forward because
these ARE ads after all. And WHY did they decide it was a good idea to
put KETCHUP on the JUMBO JACK?
Dude, Jimmy Barron is a cheap bastard, dude, and he uses 1-800-CALL-ATT to
do the Road Report, dude, and this Thursday you can catch THUNDER! live in
Lubbock, dude. I actually possess a "Lubbock Jaycees" pin from the 70's
which I believe makes me the COOLEST Monday night wrestling reporter on
EARTH.
DISCO INFERNO comes out with his own monologue - the Filthy Animals have
been calling him and calling him - don't call him, he'll call you. Disco
goes on and on about being the next big superstar or something or other
and next thing you know CHRIS BENOIT is out telling him that he's stepped
into a Revolution and he don't lay down for no one (huh?) so I guess it's
on. I would say "contrived" but if this is what it takes to give me this
match...
CHRIS BENOIT v. DISCO INFERNO for the United States Heavyweight
Championship - "Benoit, there is a fine line between courage and
stupidity, and you just crossed it! Prepare for a good ol' Brooklyn New
York tushy kicking!" Benoit ducks a clothesline and hits a chop, and
another - off the ropes, double shot, cover, 2. Backdrop suplex for 2.
Off the ropes, back body drop. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick,
kick, double Okie blow. No WONDER everybody loves this guy. Look at that
varied offense! Gutshot, elbowdrop. I bet Disco wins the title here.
Disco reverses a whip into an armdrag, tries for a clothesline, but Benoit
catches the arm for the crossface - Disco slips outside the ring for a
powder. Benoit grabbing the hair - Disco drops down and catches Benoit on
the top rope. Gutshot, off the ropes, Disco with a swinging neckbreaker.
1, 2, no. Disco on him - off the ropes, atomic drop, clothesline, cover,
leg hooked, 2 count. Scoop - and a slam. Second rope boogie forearm drop
for 2. Side Russian legsweep. 1, 2, no. I think we just went through
all his finishers there - except the Stunner. Rear chinlock from Disco
and the crowd comes alive (with Pepsi) for Benoit. He's up - powered him
off the ropes, but the head is down. Clubbin' forearm across the back by
Disco - for 2. "Disco sucks" chant. Disco throws him through the ropes,
and follows. Head to the STEEL steps. Disco back in and striking a pose.
Back out - whip into the barricade. Rolling Benoit back in, off the
ropes, head down, Benoit tries the Sunset flip - and succeeds! But only
2. Disco comes back with a big ol' lariat but only gets 2. Tony
proclaims this a four star match (ha!) - Disco trying to work over the
body in the corner but it turns into a showcase for Benoit's chops.
Disco to the eyes - Benoit flips out of the suplex attempt and hits a
German suplex of his own. Both men down - referee "Blind" Charles
Robinson (who was "reset buttoned" Saturday) puts on the count. Both men
up at 5. Benoit ducks a clothesline and hits a gunshot chop. Into the
opposite corner - Disco throws up an elbow - Last Dance attempt is
shrugged off - triple snap suplex from Benoit and he climbs to the top.
Swandive headbutt! 1, 2, 3. (6:17) "This is only the beginning - of the
Revolution!" Watch the replays and wonder with me - will the
smarts come home if Benoit continues to hold the US title? Depends - how
cynical are they?
"Reach out and crush someone!" Feel the (Monster Truck) Madness!
I'll bet you thought you wouldn't have to see any more Road Wild ads -
nope, here's one more - for the ENCORE!
BARRY WINDHAM (with Kendall Windham & Bobby Duncum Jnr) v. COLD BEER -
"First Daughter" scored some phenomenal ratings, says Tony. "Hackneyed
cliches make the perfect made-for-TBS movie!" says CRZ. I guess he really
DIDN'T need the knee brace after all. Tony manages to flub the name of
the hotel that the Nitro Grill is in, much to my amusement. Kendall and
Duncum separately try to attack before the match starts and fail, Barry
gets speared. Jackhammer. Pin. Whoops, missed it. Let's be generous and
call it (:43) Why yes, the combined entrances of both men took probably
about five minutes, if you were curious. "Who's next? Anybody and
everybody!" CRUSH 'EM!
TCI local spot hypes SummerSlam - heh
KISS will appear next week. I hear they won't be wrestling, but ... oh
never mind, let's all be surprised next week.
THE ENTIRE NWO - YEP, ALL THREE OF THEM v. HARLEM HEAT in a nontitle
handicap match - Tony manages to sneak in a WCW Hotline plug during
the Heat's entrance. Only one hour to go... how come these two guys
don't wear matching outfits? No opening bell - again. Vincent starts -
man, why these brothers gotta fight. Stevie Ray, of course, has no
problems with Vince. Vince actually manages to come back for a bit before
a whip is reversed - Vince gets the boots up. Clothesline ducked - off
the ropes - man, he just MUSCLED him up and over. But Vincent goes to the
eys - and tags in Big Scott Norton. Repeated blows, elbows, headbutt,
chop, whip into the opposite corner, Stevie puts a boot up, clothesline,
again, tag to Booker T. Double whip, double back elbow, T. covers, but
only gets 2. Norton fires back. Chop. Tag to Horace. Horace all over
him. Into the opposite corner, follow clothesline. If Hulk's a face,
what does that do to Horace? Gutshot, axe kick from Booker T.,
breakdance, Harlem sidekick, cover, Vincent makes the save at 2. Booker
T. hits Vince as he tries to get out, and he falls to the floor. But
Horace manages to hit the distracted Booker T. as he turns back. Chop,
off the ropes, duck, flying jalapeno from Booker T. 1, 2, no. Uhhhh!!
Tag to Stevie Ray, they send him in - sidewalk slam coming up. Stevie Ray
off the ropes, big boot. Daring him to get up for another, but Norton hits
a clubbing forearm as Ray comes off the ropes. Tag to Vincent, who is
quickly on Stevie Ray - and the fans, with the badmouth. Fistdrop. Tag
to Norton. Headbutt, 2, 3, off the ropes, missile shoulderblock, Booker
T. in to stop the pin count. Norton puts up a finger and points - Booker
T. backs down - ha! Stevie Ray trying to push the headlock to his partner,
but of course referee "Blind" Nick Patrick was talking to the NWO while
the tag happened and totally missed it. Tripleteam on Ray as Patrick
tries to get Booker T. back in his corner. Norton continuing to shove
Booker T. off the apron to the floor in between manhandling Stevie. He
signals for the powerbomb, but BRIAN ADAMS is out and attacking away on
all three men. God knows why the DQ isn't called here - well, obviously
Harlem Heat demand nothing less than a pinfall victory - which they get on
Horace following a Booker T. missile dropkick from the top rope, and a
Stevie Ray cover. (7+ minutes) Brian Adams walks out of the building, and
we follow. Adams gets into a nearby limousine with a KISS license
plate...could somebody PLEASE spell this out for me, har har har.
K-Dogg shills his T-shirt again - hah? Str-8 up G'z 4-eva yo
RICK WOOF WOOF v. NASTY BRIAN KNOBS (with James Hart) for the World
Television Title - "First Daughter" will be on again Saturday - Mariel
Hemingway models a variety of wet clothing, so it's not a TOTAL loss if ya
got nothing better to do Saturday, I suppose. Me being a geek, I'll
probably be catching the "Star Trek: the Next Generation" marathon on
channel 44 instead. Steiner takes the mic and says something not worth
hearing. Punches here, punches there, Steiner with a clothesline
to stop that nonsense. Rake of the face and various orifices. Knobs
choked with his own coat. Knobs blocks a head to the buckle and fires
back. Steiner reverses the momentum. Into the corner, big boot up,
clothesline from Knobs. Now they're both outside. Steiner taking Knobs
into the STEEL steps. Steiner removes his studded dog collar and whups
him with it, then chokes him. Knobs punching out but not having much
effect. Both men back in - choke on the rope. Who do you root for in
this match, anyway? Aren't they both technically heels? Maybe Sid will
come out in THIS match. Knobs comes back with a scoop slam and an
elbowdrop. Here's another scoop slam. Knobs to the second rope as crowd
chants "boring." Knobs eats a boot. Knobs into the corner, into the
opposite corner, scooting out and attacking. Referee "Blind" Scott
Dickenson BLATANTLY positioning himself in the corner, Knobs trying to
take Steiner to the corner, but Steiner shrugs off and as Dickenson gets
out of the way, Hart brandishes the dog collar - unfortunately, failing to
notice that he's hitting HIS man as he falls to the apron. Knobs groggily
wanders into a top-rope bulldog - 1, 2, 3. (4:38) MATCH OF THE YEAR.
For an encore, Steiner threatens random (amused) crew members. Castrol
GTX oils up a replay. Drive hard!
That's right, time for another Monster Truck Madness spot!
THUNDER! ad features more replays from other shows than replays from the
show itself - figure THAT out
KISS performs live! Can they break Chad Brock's STRANGLEHOLD 2.4 QH?
Megadeth's 2.1? Find out NEXT WEEK!
Hey, look! It's the Nitro Girls! And they're SPANKING each other!
Here's another long, loving look at your commentary team - coming up Sid
and Hogan! Bigelow and Saturn! And NOW let's talk about Rodman and
Savage! Rodman is an ATHLETE!
Let Us Take You Back to Road Wild - they're actually showing actual
footage instead of still shots - hooray! I can FAST FORWARD this! For
some reason, they skip the decent wrestling bits and go straight to the
outside nonsense, including the long walk to the portable facilities,
the locked door (why would you be able to lock the door from the
oustide?) and the tip. We are AT LEAST spared the "solid" waste. How
come Nick Patrick didn't count out both men, anyway? Anyway, the encore
is TUESDAY!
Speaking of which, here's one more Road Wild ad by way of hyping the
Special Encore Presentation (which really isn't all that special when you
think about it)
WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by MILKY WAY! YOU MUST MILK IT!
TRIPPA B (finally has some music) v. PERRY SATURN (with the original "RAW
is WAR" entrance them - sorta) - Bigelow is sporting a black eye,
interestingly enough. Bigelow calls to referee "Blind" Johnny Boone and
while he's talking to him surprises Saturn with a kneelift - ha! It
actually looks less like a black eye and more like just some kinda mark
now that I see that closeup. Saturn's fighting back, but Bigelow takes
him down with one punch. Bigelow rushes him, but Saturn pulls the top
rope and Bigelow flies - Saturn to the outside - ASAI MOONSAULT! Both men
back in, but Bigelo'w in first, so he gets to stompin'. Nerve hold and
rope choke is broken at 4. Off the ropes, Saturn with a kick in the gut -
Sunset flip - nope - Bigelow's buttdrop misses, however. Off the ropes
with a clothesline - again - Bigelow doesn't go down - third attempt is
caught. Saturn in the corner, sat up on the top turnbuckle - Bigelow
going for the superplex? But he falls to the mat, so he just beals him
instead. 1, 2, no. "Bam Bam sucks!" chant. Bigelow returning to the
rope choke. I would classify Bigelow's offense as "deliberate" at this
point. Saturn dramatically pulling himself up by the ropes after every
big boot. Snapmare by Triple B, to the rear chinlock. Time for the crowd
to come alive (with Pepsi - what do you MEAN I already did that joke
tonight?) for Saturn. Saturn elbows out but Bigelow drives a knee to the
gut, and hits his falling headbutt. Standing on the neck for 4. Saturn
with a right, left, right, Bigelow with a standing dropkick (!) - Bigelow
covers but they're in the ropes. Saturn with
Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine - Saturn tries a suplex but Bigelow falls
on him for 2. Whip into the opposite corner, Saturn puts up a foot -
Bigelow charges, Saturn sidesteps it. Ten punch countalong is stopped at
nine when Bigelow pushes him off - and into referee Boone. Saturn springs
off the second rope into a plancha - Exploder! (khris) KANYON is out but
Saturn's got a shot for HIM as well - Saturn to the top - but Kanyon is
over - pushing him into Bigelow - in position for Greetings from Asbury
Park - Kanyon getting on the top turnbuckle to add a spike, but SHANE
DOUGLAS is out - pushing Kanyon off in such a way that Saturn lands on
Bigelow in the cover - 1, 2, 3. (7:25) Kanyon dumps Douglas over the top
rope and he and Bigelow work over Saturn until the VANILLA MIDGETS come
out, pick up Douglas, and storm the ring. Bigelow and Kanyon take off.
Saturn, back up, looks in the camera and says the Revolution won't
be kept down.
Dammit, I think we all KNOW that KISS will be performing next week, can we
PLEASE stop with the promos already? Especially since it's the SAME ONE
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND
Oh, I see, that ad was the WHOLE SEGMENT. SCREW THE VIEWERS!!
YOU KNOW WHO v. SID VISCOUS for the World Heavyweight Title - They clip
Hogan's music so I can't make fun of Hernia Guy singing "He's
Ame-e-e-er-i-can Ma-a-ade!" Hogan's too big for chyron! No Michael
Buffer tonight, eh? Sid attacks before the bell with the big ol'
stompin'. Sid takes the belt and poses with it briefly, then gets back on
Hogan. This match will be totally by the numbers, won't it? Do I HAVE to
watch? Stomp, stomp, springs off the bottom rope with a stomp, again,
scoop...and a slam. Vicious measures - and hits his OWN legdrop! But
here's Hogan popping up fresh as a daisy. right, right, right, right,
right, right. Windup...and a right. Hey, Hogan, punches are ILLEGAL. Cup
the ear to the four sides of the arena. Sid, on the outside, points to
his head and says that he DOES have a brain. Uhh? Back in the ring,
Hogan makes the "kiss my ass" mime. Sid strikes. Right to the chest,
another right. Whip into the opposite corner, gutshot, double sledge,
repeated axehandles. Hogan trying to get up. Vicious over and trying to
take the head to the buckle - Hogan blocks. Hogan takes SID's head to the
top, middle and bottom turnbuckles. Now stomping away. Vicious rolls
out, Hogan tries to grab him but Vicious pulls him out by the feet. Sid
rakes the face, Hogan rakes the face. BACK RAKE!! Hogan takes a chair
and waffles Sid with it (no DQ from THAT?!?) and takes Sid over the
barricade into the front row. Sid pokes the eyes to come back. Somehow
referee "Blind" Charles Robinson hasn't gotten to ten. Sid takes the
chair and clocks HOgan right back. Sid takes Hogan to the commentary
table, drives him to the table, then douses Tony with water. SID VICIOUS
IS MY HERO! Tony meekly tries to throw some of HIS water back on him -
wuss!! Back in the ring, 2 count for Sid. Vulcan neck pinch by Sid.
Time for the crowd to help Hogan "Hulk up" - but Hogan goes back to
the mat. Crowd chants "boring" - or is it "Hogan?" Arm falls once, arm
falls twice, arm doesn't fall thrice - in fact, there's the "ah-ah-ah"
point. Hogan to his feet. Elbow, elbow, elbow, hold is broken. Hogan
ducks a clothesline, but doesn't duck the second one coming off the ropes.
Vicious covers but only gets 2. Hogan appeals to the crowd - Hogan
unappealing to this chronicler - right hand from Vicious, tomahawk chop,
right to the small of the back. Got him in the choke - chokeslam!! But
Sid does NOT cover - well, now he does - 1, 2, Hogan shakes it off. Sid
strikes, Hogan perks up, repeat, Hogan's doing the jackhammer. Hogan
points. Hogan blocks a punch, one, two, three, off the rope, big boot,
legdrop, cover, RICK WOOF WOOF is out with a double axehandle. Cue the
trash. (THIS IS) STING is out to even it up - he and Sid end up on the
outside while Hogan drops a leg on Steiner. Robinson shrugs and counts a
pinfall. On Rick Steiner. Excuse me, that's bullshit. (10:36) Time now
for the posedown, and we're outta here.
The first hour was crap.
The last match as crap.
Why bother to praise the stuff inbetween?
Everything that looks like it could grow to resemble something that I
might actually REALLY ENJOY tends to look more and more like it's
grudgingly thrown out as some sort of concession in an attempt to get me
to stick around - because if only I watched ENOUGH of the Nutjob Screwjob
and Hogan Show, I'd come around and appreciate it for the true ART that it
so OBVIOUSLY is, and swearing my undying allegiance to Time Warner and
Turner. Well, frick that - I've got a mind of my own and YOU
CAN'T THINK FOR ME. Pull your damn head out and CUT THE CRAP already.
I'm gone.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net