by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
QUICK QUOTE: SPLN 24 13/16 (+3 5/8)
MY GOD! We start IMMEDIATELY with
STEVE REGAL & DAVID TAYLOR (no entrance) v. DISORDERLY CONDUCT (no
entrance) - No! I'm not ready! I CAN'T! I'm gonna have to PRAY Sid runs
in and chokeslams everybody so I don't get in trouble for not providing
the blow by blow. Would you BELIEVE this is Disorderly Conduct's Nitro
DEBUT? Schiavone says the cameras are stationed, poised, ready for the
arrival of Berlyn...well, here's SID VISCOUS. Good night everybody!
(Less than two minutes) I feel no need to mention anything in the rest of
this segment, other than it lasts about seven minutes total.
Backstage, something happens, but the mics must be broken because I hear a
faint buzz instead of audio. Wait, there's Lodi & Lenny - apparently they
can't get in the building or something. Hey, there's C.G. Afi again -
right Pijohos? - holding a LODI RULES sign outside their taxi. They
ignore him.
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Naya, America (ha!)
Online, Motel 6 7/8, and Croissant Pockets from Hot Pockets! AND IceSport
from Aqua Velva! This is the only time tonight you'll see Randy Savage,
need I mention.
I was trying to eat, right? And I'd made a nice grilled cheese sandwich,
right? And I actually ended up dumping some melted cheese on myself,
burning my NAVEL in a move I didn't think was humanly possible - anyway,
my POINT is that *that*- that searing pain as my tender bellybuttonular
area *burned* - THAT wasn't as bad as enduring Sid's interview.
LAST WEEK: Goldberg Spears Triad! Who's the boss? Millennium Man
Streaks! (oh, if only...) All About the Truth...and the Title! oh and a
screwjob in the main event. Kiss rocks Nitro! (Allegedly.) AAAAAND,
Brian Adams says "Shakka brah!" Well, not really.
The WCW logo is hungry - FOR YOUR SOUL
Opening credits scrape by to make the opening quarter hour
Hey look, it's the NITRO GRRLS!
WE ARE LIVE from the Nassau Colesium in Uniondale, LI 30.8.99 for
WCW Monday Nitro - tonight a great big Goldberg vs. Diamond Dallas Page
match (so sayeth the graphic, anyway)! Tony wants you to know that
Goldberg defeated Raven for the United States title to get to 75-0, now he
says that because Sid's record is 75-0, not because they need to bury
Raven. No, nosiree. Nope.
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and BOBBY HEENAN, for what it's worth. I'm
about one more Sid appearance away from throwing in the towel on THIS
week, too. The Kiss wrestler is named "Demon" and we'll see him tonight.
Also tonight, Gene Okerlund interviews Lex Luger!
Before we throw it to Gene, Tony has to step all over his words by saying
that this portion of Nitro is brought to you by SNICKERS! Want to
interrupt Okerlund? WHY WAIT?
GENE O. works tonight! And sure enough, here *is* THE NARCISSIST come out
to remind us that he's Sting's friend and he's gotta warn him about Hulk
Hogan. Luger quickly busts out "my friend Sting" to beat the over/under.
Luger says the past three years have proven that Hogan's words are nothing
but sham. Later tonight, he'll produce evidence that Hogan is a
black-hearted, no good scammer. Luger says he's not here to win any
popularity contests with his words, so go ahead and boo - and the crowd
complies. I hope Luger proves that entire crowd wrong!! Well, actually I
don't care. Well, ACTUALLY I'm a TEENSY bit interested. Okay? Got me.
Now let's bring out *SID!*
Tony and Bobby remind us that Fall Brawl is the 12th of September, then
throw it to
Out back, a black Mercedes (or, if you're Tony, "limousine") pulls up -
three security men and one shapely "interpreter" surround Berlyn himself
as he walks out, cane in hand. Apparently, he speaks English, but won't
do it out of contempt, or something. The interpreter has a suitably
"hilarious" German sounding name, but I'll need to hear it again before I
attempt to type it out for you.
WCW is LIVE in Binghamton tomorrow, Port Huron Wednesday, Saginaw Thursday
for THUNDER! Tix on sale Friday for Huntsville and Chattanooga for
THUNDER!
"Berlyn is in the building!" I CAN NOT WITHHOLD MY EXCITEMENT - well -
maybe.
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week as KISS stunk up the joint. Say it with
me. TWO POINT THREE! TWO POINT THREE! Is it TRUE that the song they
performed is available on the "Stone Cold Metal" CD? That's hilarious.
Hey, there's the Demon breaking out of that giant egg!
LASH LeROUX v. SCOTTY RIGGS - Uh uh. I'm not falling for THAT trick.
Crowd actually chants "We want Sid" - congratulations, WCW - THIS is what
you've conditioned ALL OF US to expect. Fuck wrestling! Later tonight,
Diamond Dallas Page will tell us exactly how fat Goldberg's momma
is. In a total shocker, THIS match is beset with a runin...by (el) VAMPIRO
(canadiense) y INSANE CLOWN POSSE. Apparently, Vampiro and Riggs have
history. Ohhh...kay. Riggs hits a surprise Rocker Dropper for the
pinfall (3:54) - Vampiro tries to put his arm around Riggs, but Riggs
shrugs him off. "You owe me." "I don't owe you nothin'!" I guess
Vampiro bought him that mirror or something. I'll bet Bob Ryder will tell
you that if you only GIVE this angle a chance, you'll be SMILING at the
end of it. I, on the other hand, will tell you that if you only ASSUME
this angle will suck, you can't POSSIBLY be too disappointed when it fails
to perform higher than our expectations.
Closed captioning brought to you thanks to MEINEKE! George Foreman likes
the Doritos, by the way.
You know what, those new "Revolution" shirts remind me an AWFUL lot of the
old "Raven" shirts. Is that clever recycling? In case you missed it, the
REVOLUTION hits the ring. Shane tries to pump up the crowd, then refers
to himself as "the Franchise." Crowd is ... tepid. Saturn takes the mic
and has words for Rick Steiner - he'd like a shot at the TV title at Fall
Brawl - marking the first time in like six weeks that somebody brings up
that title. Benoit and Malenko get some mic time but don't set up any
matches. They by hitting the catchphrase - "out with evolution, in with
Revolution" - then hit their "manos Boricuas" pose.
Hey, look, it's some of the NITRO GRRLS! And they're doing their *naughty
chair dance!*
KAZ HAYASHIRYU v. LODI (with Lenny) - PLAY US SOME BARRY MANILOW - LODI
LIKES THE TOP, LENNY LIKES THE BOTTOM - BUNK! - PLEASE SEND MORE BLOWPOPS!
- THE NY YANKEES STINK! - Lenny's put some tassles and bows on the
Cruiserweight title. I'd like to hear Colourbox do Lodi's theme. There's
a "Countdown to Mayhem" 26:03:17:17...26:03:16:41 and counting. I bet you
thought I'd say "Millennium" in here or something, but I leave the easy
shots for the other guys. I will note that this box hogging the screen
for thirty seconds is WAY TOO DAMN LONG, however. As for the match - Kaz
RULES THE EARTH, of course, not only playing the TOTAL badass dick heel on
Lodi, (check that "oh my ass hurts" mocking pose!) but hitting a
nice flippy-flippy on Lenny on the outside. *Lodi* hits a top rope to the
floor plancha on BOTH his brother and Hayashi (landing on Kaz' head in the
process) to turn the tide. And now I'll note signs in the crowd. We have
"Rey Rey is Gay Gay," always a welcome observation. "I miss Ralphus"
lends a wistful note of nostalgia to the proceedings. Kaz' brainbuster
brings me back to earth. He's gonna GUT him! Lenny, however, crotches
Kaz on the top turnbuckle rather than let him hit the move. There's a
superbulldog from Lodi. 1, 2, no! Referee "Blind" Billy Silverman gets
knocked out as Lodi spins Hayashi around, so Lenny comes in to switch -
and Kaz promptly rolls HIM up, countering a suplex attempt, for the pin.
(3:59) One would wonder whether this secures Hayashi a cruiserweight title
shot - but then one would probably also wonder how "Walker Tejas Ranger"
is gonna turn out on the other channel - then one would wonder if maybe
they should just turn off the television, go outside and talk to the
neighbours, maybe try a little harder to make the world a better place -
or hey! How about going out for PIZZA?
Promotional consideration paid for by David (Flair) sunflower seeds,
Croissant Pockets from See Earlier, IceSport from See Earlier, Armor All
Shiny Stuff, Jolly Time Blast o' Butter popcorn, and the tangy zip of my
favourite sandwich spread - well not really my FAVOURITE
To get a WCW Catalog, repeatedly bash your monitor with your head!
It's going to be Sting against Hulk Hogan at Fall Brawl - Sunday, 12
September!
Gene O. welcomes YOU KNOW WHO to the ring. When did leave the NWO,
anyway? I must have missed that. Sign in the crowd says "Why am I here?"
I'm with you, baby. Sign in the crowd says "Purple Monkie Refrigerator" -
what the HELL does THAT mean? I guess those are code words for Hyatte.
Is it just me or are they playing still OTHER music as Hogan starts
speaking? Hogan talks and no one listens. He'll NEVER stab Sting in the
back. He'll sit in the back, eat fruit and be cool, and watch for that
"evidence" from Luger. If Luger's trying to get between Hogan and his
good friend Sting, why, he's said his prayer and done a little training,
he'll kick Luger's ass! Hogan is EDGY! Whatcha gonna do? You know,
Slaughter was right about Hogan. "Puke-amaniacs" never seemed so apropos.
The Dynamic Duo plug the two latest videos from WCW Home Video -
Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair are featured. That Ric Flair guy sure looks
familiar...that piano music plays behind the commentators yet again - so
either it's an INTENTIONAL mistake, or they're causting more unintentional
hilarity by screwing up EXACTLY the same way twice. Either is entirely
possible, I suppose. Tony stands up the Hogan video, Heenan stands up the
Flair video - then knocks over the Hogan video. Heenan's THE MAN.
LA PARKA & BLITZKRIEG v. REY MYSTERIO JNR & EDDIE GUERRERO - Rey actually
makes Eddie smile on his way to the ring. If Konnan is REALLY gone, and
we can only pray that he is, wouldn't it be more appropriate to finally
stop playing Konnan's "Psycho" when Mysterio comes out? Hey, I didn't
know La Parka was Italian!! Parka and Rey start. Parka makes Rey step
aside so he can strut. Rey slaps him in return, so Parka KNOCKS him down.
La Parka is Spanish for "The Parka." Eddie takes umbrage - Parka SPITS on
Eddie, then goes out to the apron. Shoving match - Parka misses and hits
the floor. Next thing you know, Eddie is shooting Rey into a baseball
slide, caught, tornado DDT on the floor! Meanwhile Blitz is in and on
Eddie with a kick, snapmare, off the ropes, standing somersault splash,
backflip splash, 1 count. Eddie comes back with the tilt-a-whirl
backbreaker off the ropes. Tag to Mysterio. Snaprmares him over - off
the ropes with the quebrada moonsault. Blitz manages a tag to Parka after
Rey poses. Rey makes him miss and hit the ropes. Parka catches him
trying the crossbody, drops him, takes too long strutting, whip is
reversed. La Parka DOES catch him coming in and hits a scoop slam. Tag
to Blitzkrieg, who puts him in a bearhug for a sky high dropkick from La
Parka for 2. Hey, there's VAMPIRO y INSANE CLOWN POSSE up there on the
entryway again. This is an exciting match, so it would be wrong of me to
stop to ask what the hell Charles Robinson is doing out there as the ref
when he's busy holding signs for Sid Vicious...yeah. Miscommunication
spot for the bad guys, Eddie gets the hot tag, missile dropkick on Parka,
back bodydrop on Blitzkrieg. Eddie climbs the ropes and hits a nice 'rana
on Parka. Rey in to take Parka over the ropes with a flying headscissors.
Back in the ring, Blitzkrieg shoots him into the corner, and hits a nice
tumbling run that ends up on the top turnbuckle as Eddie gets out of the
way. Eddie flips Rey up into a superFrankensteiner for Blitzkrieg.
Eddie sends Rey over the top rope into a pescado on Parka on the floor,
then hits the frog splash on Blitzkrieg for the pin. (3:53) Snickers
provides the replay. Hungry for a replay? Why wait? Why did Vampiro and
ICP look on? I'll bet Scotty Riggs has something to do with this!
After a respectful amount of black screen
Berlyn vignette - why? We've already seen him--
Whoops, cut off for an ad instead
The production crew is really on the ball tonight, yeah buddy
That grilled cheese wasn't enough - man, I'm hungry. I wish I had some
food. I suppose I could pop over to 7-Eleven, but I might miss some
ACTION! Oh the trials and tribulations of being me.
Like this THUNDER! ad here. I would have MISSED it! Sid said
"Revolution!" and everything!
And now, here again - a Berlyn vignette. Know Victory! (Jack Victory?)
No defeat! "Verlieren ist nicht aberzecgahoban" or whatever he says.
"Close enough to Carmina Burana for the closed captioning folks" plays one
more time as Gene O. welcomes BYRLYN (und sein entourage) - the leggy
translator is named UTE LUDENDORF - dig that crazy lighting treatment!
The secret service men frisk Okerlund beforehand, har har. I am just
shocked by the incredibly bad iris settings here. So basically
Wright talks, then the blonde chick talks, then the crowd boos. The
challenge goes out to ... Buff Bagwell. Oh man. Finally hearing the
tagline wihout all the weird echos, I come up with "Losing is not
acceptable" before the translator muffs it "Losing is not...ummm...IS
UNACCEPTABLE!"
I say nothing about Kevin Nash's chronic case of Monster Truck Madness!
NOTHING!
Man, I could have a bag of Fritos AND a giant Slurpee right now - but
NOOOOO - I had to listen to FREAKIN' ALEX WRIGHT.
"It's a rematch so big it can only be seen on pay-per-view." And it takes
place at Fall Brawl - that's #2 for this spot
Gene O. mentions the Islanders, and the crowd boos - that's DAMN funny. He
is interrupted by THE NARCISSIST, who apparently caught Hogan going
through his bags in the locker room, and knocking out every window in his
car, after coming to after being roughed up. He's gonna show Sting! He's
gonna show us all!
This short segment was brought to you by the fine folks at Wrangler.
And here's a Megadeth ad.
And here's a Monster Truck Madness ad. Herb Kunze had a HILARIOUS scan of
an early preview of this game about a year ago - I wish I'd kept it, but I
didn't. And I can't find it in Herb's picture repository anymore. Oh
well.
KENNY KAOS & PRINCE IAUKEA (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. BARRY & KENDALL
WINDHAM (with Curt Hennig) for the world tag team championship - Oh,
please. (Kneedrop -> pin 2:02) Interestingly (or not), only one
man for each team is in the entire time - Kendall & Prince. Must be fun
to be Kaos. After the match, Barry and Curt make noise until HARLEM HEAT
come out and a Pier Seven brawl erupts, ending in referee "Blind" Mickey
J. *inexplicably* counting a pinfall for Booker T. following a Harlem
sidekick on Kendall - which apparently doesn't count for anything,
naturally. BOBBY DUNCUM JNR comes out and the four eventually get the
upper hand on the two, and there's some hog-tyin' goin' on. How racist!
Coming up: another Goldberg/DDP graphic
But first, another Monster Truck Madness ad - honk if you're tired of
seeing Kevin Nash act "cool"
Sting/Hogan Fall Brawl graphic #3
Gene O. says he rushed back to the locker room, and now he's rushed back
to the ring, and now it's time to once again bring out THE NARCISSIST for
that hard evidence. If you're like me, you've already figured out the
middle AND ending of this story, but let's just watch the spinning wheel
unfold. Or something. Luger carries a manila envelope with him.
Anybody seen Sting tonight? "A picture's worth a thousand words...I don't
take any pleasure at what I'm about to do." Luger calls out Sting,
because he more than anyone else needs to see what he's got. (THIS IS)
STING *does* come out - as we hear about ten times during this entrance
that Sting is Luger's friend of thirteen years. Listening to Tony and
Bobby talk about how Luger would never swerve Sting makes me wonder where
exactly they've been these past few years. Luger says that while the red
and yellow scam artist was supposedly rehabbing his knee - he was busy
driving the white Hummer that nearly ended Nash's career! Well, it's a
picture of Hogan and a Hummer. YOU KNOW WHO is quickly out to ask Luger
where he got the picture, and that picture doesn't prove anything, by the
way. Hogan asks Sting to look in his eyes - he wouldn't stab him in the
back. For no apparent reason, DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE gets in the ring, gets
a shot in on Hogan, and gets out to rejoin his mates in the TRIAD outside
the ring. Huh? Then Sting suddenly decides to get angry and shout a lot.
The SECURITY DETAIL quickly fills the ring to separate Sting and Hogan.
Umm... Now I should probably be trying to make this clusterfuck sound
LESS confusing. I guess I'll say "at least Sid wasn't involved" but if
you're like me, you're wondering if all that business with Savage, Mona
and Madusa AND the Hummer driver (the fake Sting) was all a dream. Then
you're wondering why you haven't just popped over to 7-Eleven, 'cause
obviously you're not MISSING anything by getting a cold, frosty Slurpee
and possibly a bag of chips. I wonder - what does Bob Ryder think of all
this? I feel like I already know...
A.C. JAZZ gives us some one-on-one actin. I like her a lot better
when she's showing off her gams 'n' stuff.
That reminds me - where's Miss Elizabeth again?
VAN HAMMER v. BUFF IS THE STUFF - Tony says the production crew is
frantically locating a way to bring back some Hummer footage that doesn't
have Randy Savage in it, later in the show. I think we get ONE wrestling
move in the first minute - of course, we cut to the entrance where UTE
LUDENDORF & BYRLYN'S DETAIL take notes and chat. Sign in crowd says
"Where is Mr. Fuji?" and this actually causes ME to wonder where Ricco
Suave is - he was like a Bobby Heenan for the 90's, and darn near the only
reason to watch the AWF. Well, that and Lord Alfred Hayes. Oh, and Tito
Santana. Ole! (Buff Blockbuster -> pin 4:58) The Blockbuster is the
"Lugz kick of the week." And if you, smartass, think that a blockbuster
isn't a kick, well, you haven't been complaining loudly enough about those
Coast Guard Rescues of the Week neither.
Let Us Take You Back to 7 June - yo, wasn't that Randy Savage? Isn't that
Madusa 6 standing WAAAAY in the background? A white hummer repeatedly
rams a limousine at great expense - money that could probably have been
better used to hire Morris Day & the Time to blow the roof off the joint -
Jungle Luuuuv / O E O E O / Girl I wanna Know Ya (Know Ya) / Heeey Jungle
Luuuuuuv
We never DID see the cameraman inside the limo again... *sniff*
Let's Take A Special Look at Insane Clown Posse By Way Of
Advertising Their New Album - it's AMAZING!
MEAN MIKE ENOS (with TV-PG-DLV ratings box) v. OUTRAGEOUS EVAN KARAGIAS -
let me check my watch again. 22:02. Hmmm....so this IS the third hour.
And I have Enos and Karagias opening up this here third hour. Okay, just
checking. Enos has a license plate on his ass that says "Enos." No,
REALLY. Let's split screen to that "Countdown to WCW Mayhem" clock.
26:01:57:40 - the BEST thing about this clock is is takes up MORE of the
screen than this match! Crowd chants "We want Sid" and I am very very
sad. Enos actually talks to the crowd. "What do you want?" "Sid!"
"Sid's NOTHING!" Enos is really winning me over here. Now the crowd (and
Enos) are distracted by something over to the left there. Over on the
other channel, Mankind is not wrestling. Say, there's VAMPRIO & ICP again
- don't tell me that Enos owes THEM money, too! So, ICP distracts referee
"Blind" Charles Robinson while Vampiro hits a spinning top rope spinning
spin kick. Karagias covers for the pinfall (4:25) and now Vampiro tells
Karagias OWES him - while they argue, some KISS fires up over the PA
and...from the entryway, there's the giant ice-covered rock splitting open
once again to reveal the DEMON. Funny thing is, when he speaks, it sounds
just like Brian Adams. "Hey Vampiro - not here - not now. Not this time.
Ahhhhhh!" Cue pyro. Demon's kinda dressed like Demo Crush, but with
Simmons facepaint. Vampiro's like "wha?" and ICP's like "wait, we hate
KISS, don't we?" and I'm like "OH SWEET JESUS - ARE THEY *ACTIVELY* TRYING
TO BE SO BAD AS TO MAKE ME QUIT SO THEY WON'T HAVE TO READ ME HALF-ASS
THESE WEAK CRITIQUES EVERY WEEK"
The Superstar Series presents "NWO 4 Life" and "Kevin Nash: the Outsider"
- next week, ads for Hogan's and Flair's tape!
HUGH MORRUS & NASTY BRIAN KNOBS (with James Hart) v. DEAN MALENKO & SHANE
DOUGLAS - Tony and Bobby are downright STYMIED - they have NO IDEA who
that strange Kiss lookin' guy was who was rolled out in that giant THING
by stagehands unbeknownst to part of the audience. Let Us Take You Back
to Last Week when Rick Steiner bulldogged Saturn into a pinfall victory
for the First Familly. Well, we had the Prince in the previous segment,
time now for the Revolution. Knobs calls them "crybabies" which gets a
smirk from me. THIS IS A TAG TEAM WAR!! I'm pretty sure that when Douglas
left ECW, he had DREAMS of selling Brian Knobs' "pit stop" in WCW.
Terribly long heat segment on Douglas ends when Malenko says "hell with
this," and pushes aside referee "Blind" Scott Dickenson to do a house
afire bit. Now he's putting on the Tejas cloverleaf despite being
(I think) not the legal man. Jimmy Hart is in the ring - I hope he gets
clocked! Oh boy, he did! I suppose this barely qualifies as a brawl of
some sort from some Pier of some number. Somehow, Hugh Morrus lands No
Laughing Matter - well, on the mat, as Douglas rolls out of the way.
Knobs and Malenko still having fun on the outside. Now Morrus is outside
and Douglas is scaling the ropes - wow! REALLY SHITTY PLANCHA from Douglas
on the First Family! Looks like a double countout coming up...yeppers.
(DCOR 3:56) And you know why? Because, friends, it's the First Family and
the Revolution - AND NEITHER TEAM CAN AFFORD TO DO THE JOB!!!!! Just for
fun, the brawl continues up the ramp. Then, they all WALK AWAY thinking
we've gone to ad break. THEN we go to ad break. THIS IS WCW!
You know, there are people out there that want this report broken up into
several pieces to increase the hit count. Can you IMAGINE your pain and
suffering being increased by having to click several times just to see
the great pains I took to avoid calling matches as the show went on?
This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by Wendy's Hamburger
Bliss!
Gene O. lets us in on the big attraction over there - it involves a
swimsuit, apparently. Then they throw her out. And why bother checking
out a chick in a cute outfit when we got YOU KNOW WHO one more time.
He's American made. Hogan thanks the fans for sticking with him, and they
boo. Hogan brings up Nick and Sting and how he'd never stab them in the
back - again. Hogan says next week he'll prove that Lex Luger is wrong.
Hogan ALSO says that he'd like to take on DDP tonight, even though he
knows that Goldberg is advertised to take him on tonight, so he asks if
he'd come out so he can ask him a favour. Goldberg's "new song, 'Crush
'em'" (credit: Tony) plays and COLD BEER walks out. "Well you know Bill,
you know what's going on here with Luger. I'd never stab you in the back.
Diamond Dallas Page has crawled so far up inside of me..." and so on. He
asks if Goldberg would step aside so he can have the match. Goldberg
counteroffers with a handicap tag - Goldberg & Hogan against the Triad.
Hogan's up for this. Cue DA TRIAD, who appear in the entryway and talk
all ethnic. It's on - BANG. Hogan predicts that they'll rip off their
heads, and also the roof off this joint. Goldberg invites us to stay
tuned and watch the massacre. I guess we can't use that graphic
anymore...
DYSCO YNFYRNO v. RICK WOOF WOOF for the World Television championship -
rather swank ensemble for Inferno's homecoming, including gay cowboy hat.
"My name is the Disco Inferno - I am a Superstar - I am a Sex Symbol - I
am a bona-fide booty shakin' badass - let's face it, the Disco Inferno is
an icon! I am living la vida loca...and alllll the girlies say I'm pretty
fly for a white guy! Now there's a guy back there trying to be a
superstar, trying to be a top guy, trying to be just like the Disco
Inferno, and he is wearing my television title - Rick Steiner - you need
to get your tush down here and bring my belt with ya!" So, like, does
that make Steiner the FACE in this matchup? When exactly did tonight's
show turn into THUNDER! anyway? Disco tells Rick to just put the belt
around his waist, so Rick FLATTENS him. Sign in crowd: "Konnan's gone -
THANK GOD" - Amen brudda! This suplexarific match ends with a bulldog and
pinfall (1:46) BUT IT AIN'T OVER as Steiner continues the poundin'.
Referee "Blind" Mickey J. is tossed as well. PERRY SATURN comes out to
stop the carnage and before THEY can get any kind of brawl going - Rick
takes off. Golly, what an exciting match that could be at Fall Brawl - if
only it gets signed! I HOPE! I WISH! I *PRAY*!
Fall Brawl spot #2 - not to be confused with the Hogan/Sting Fall Brawl
spots - yeah
Just another half hour and I can go get a Slurpee - I think I've EARNED
it. Yup.
Anybody who wants to bitch about the half-ass job I've done with tonight's
Nitro has to put a dollar in my pocket first - otherwise harass the ringmaster@wrestleline.com,
who gets paid a lot more to listen to complaints about CRZ than CRZ does,
and also wishes I'd stop mentioning it, thank you very much
LIGHTNINGFOOT JERRY FLYNN (with James Hart) v. CHRIS BENOIT for the United
States Heavyweight Championship - Okay, so Jerry Flynn, the #1 contender
for the United States Heavyweight Championship, wrestles in the final half
hour. JERRY FREAKIN' PAY PER VIEW STAR FLYNN. Maybe in YOUR world this
is okay, but in MY world...well, actually in any other week this might be
the kind of kooky, offbeat match that I might really get into. Kinda like
a Meng match - I sure could go for one of those for some strange reason.
But this week...this week. Tony just said the "spectre of death" hangs
heavy over the Fall Brawl main event. Add it to the list: Regal & Taylor
get NO match thanks to Sid, Berlyn speaks German and makes the camera
white levels malfunction, Kendall and Iaukea forget they have tag team
partners, Vampiro and ICP show up three times and confuse the hell out of
the audience ALL three times, Karagias and Enos lead off the third
hour...and hell, THIS match ends when Hart calls out HUGH MORRUS & BRIAN
KNOBS & BARBARIAN, (DQ 4:33) because it is VITAL that NO member of the
First Family EVER DOES THE JOB. NOT EVEN FREAKIN' LIGHTNINGFOOT JERRY
FLYNN. We simply MUST protect the First Family's push!! Anyway,
PERRY SATURN & DEAN MALENKO & SHANE DOUGLAS even up the sides and the
First Family takes a powder. Benoit takes the mic and has words for the
First Family...and *then* goes on to challenge...Sid Vicious. Errr, what?
Saturn hits the "evolution/revolution" tagline and again the four members
of the Revolution hit the "manos Boricua" raised fist pose. "Huah!"
Remember when Buff Bagwell got that pinfall on Ric Flair? Remember when
Disco Inferno was talking about old vs. young? Remember that wacky Kidman
guy? Anyone else wondering what WCW could possibly do next?
MICHAEL BUFFER is out to make sure we're ready
DA TRIAD v. COLD BEER & YOU KNOW WHO - Who LETS Page say the SAME FUCKING
THING EVERY FUCKING WEEK? Who LETS him do that? Just tell me that. Of
COURSE Goldberg and Hogan get separate entrances - we've got twelve
minutes to kill here! You know what would REALLY make this match for me?
That's right. The Demon. We can only hope. I don't dare notice that
Charles Robinson is the official assigned this match because it might
bring out Sid or something. Hogan and Bigelow start as the first pieces
of trash fly. Bigelow scoops and slams - headbutt off the top misses,
though. Right, right, right, Kanyon in, right, Page in, right, everybody
out, time to pose. How's that knee, Hogan? Looks okay so far. Bigelow
back in - crowd chants "Goldberg" so Hogan points to Goldberg. "Oh yeah,
there's my rub." Tag to Goldberg. Tag to Kanyon, who looks rather
uneasy. Goldberg with the gutshot. Pumphandle overhead beal, yow. Off
the ropes - press into a drop. Goldberg dares either of the other men to
tag in. Kanyon goes for the face, then pushes Goldberg into the ropes,
where Bigelow gets a shot from behind. Page with a top rope clotheslines
to keep him from coming back. Swinging neckbreaker. Illegal object shot
and Goldberg's finally down. Kanyon with some bruising, then a tag to
Bigelow for some beating, back to Kanyon, now to Page - gutshot from Page,
Russian legsweep from Kanyon, flourished elbowdrop from Page for 2.
Quick tags here, 1 count from Kanyon following a Page elbow to a
sensitive area. Goldberg trying to get up. Crowd chants. Doubel whip,
Goldberg runs through it and hits a double clothesline on Page and Kanyon.
Wow, he's fine, but go ahead. Tag to Hogan! Point to Page. Right,
right, right, big boot, Kanyon's down, Bigelow's down, Goldberg spears
Kanyon - big boot for Bigelow from Hogan. Big ol' roll of TP. Page with a
chair on Goldberg. Page ALSO manages a Diamond Cutter on Goldberg but
Hogan's already hit the legdrop on Bigelow for the pin (5:02). Well, no
Sid, at least....I guess...
Tony says something's going on in the back. We cut backstage to Sting
trying to get into Hogan's locker room - he opens the door... and for a
brief, almost split second we see two figures who look a lot like RANDY
SAVAGE & GORGEOUS GEORGE...well, kinda...I mean, it's really blurry and
quick, and really you could put ANYBODY in them furry ugly things and
sunglasses and have them look like Savage, and we IMMEDIATELY cut to a
shot of Sting looking surprised/shocked/disappointed...a shot which
LINGERS for a long time, considering they could have given some of that
shot to the other angle, and that HULKSTER weight belt is in PERFECT
focus, and...
Oh, hell, I'm just LOOKING for something to take the focus off the fact
that I pretty much hated this show. For sure, the last shot is
interesting, but an interesting half second doesn't make a thumbs-up three
hour experience. That's fer DAMN sure.
We're out at 2 after. Quick, turn to RAW! Oh wait, you're on the West
Coast with me and it's only got a few minutes left. Oh well - good thing
I taped that one too!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net