by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
I GET LETTERS: John Wenus fills in the gaps with Sorry if you've
mentioned this before in some recap I didn't get around to reading, but
something just struck me:
Let me take you back to that interview that Vince "The Genius Responsible
For Most, If Not All, Of The WWF's Success" Russo did on WL a little while
after he left WWF -
I could have sworn he said something to the effect of: 'I didn't leave
because of money, it was that it started taking up too much of my time,
having to do the extra two hours each week in addition to RAW.'
Isn't he doing Thunder as of this week? Doesn't that make 5 hours a week
now? Isn't five hours more than four hours, by approximately one hour?
What the fuck?
I think he has now officially contradicted EVERY SINGLE THING he said in
that interview. What a piece of shit.
AWARDS: I'm WAY behind. Talk to me next Monday.
QUICK QUOTES: TWX 65 (+ 2 45/128), SPLN 53 31/32 (+ 4 7/32) - everybody
makes money! Oh, wait...
WCW logo
Jeff Jarrett beats up Chris Benoit while the TV-14-DLS ratings box
ominously looks on. Then the Closed Captioned logo looks on! Then Benoit
Opening Credits seem less Jazzy for some reason
HIT THE PYRO! WCW Monday Nitro is LIVE from N'awlins, LA and the N'awlins
Arena 13.12.99 - what BETTER way to start out the show than
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE....IAUKEA (with Tygr--check that,
Paisley) v. MAESTRO (with Symphony) - the Artist...formerly known as
Prince...........PRINCE IAUKEA!!
WOOOOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Remember a few
weeks ago when I was complaining about those really short entrances? I
take it all back. These guys take about a half hour to get into the ring.
You know, I can see why Maestro competed as Gorgeous George III - he's got
a real Gorgeous George thing going there - too bad he can't play into
that, as opposed to attempting to play the piano. If you care who won
this match...well, okay, Iaukea won with a rollup. I mean, the
Artists...snicker..formerly known as Prince...chuckle chortle giggle
Iaukea! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA - oh, pardon me. (1:55) The Symphony vs.
Paisley catfight has been postponed. Afterwards, JEDOUBLEF
JADOUBLEREDOUBLET comes out and destroys his first two gee-tars of the
evening, then challenges Chris Benoit to a Bunkhouse Brawl tonight.
LISTEN TO THE CROWD GO WILD WHEN JARRETT SAYS SLAPNUTS!!!!!!!!!
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE & BOBBY HEENAN. Tonight: a Bunkhouse Brawl!
Tank Abbott returns and takes on Meng! Sid Vicious takes on Dr. Death
Steve Williams! In a no-DQ match, Sting & Diamond Dallas Page take on
David Flair & the Total Package! Tony says "Power *to* Be" - what the
HELL does that mean anyway? The Outsiders are here tonight and they'll
take on Bret Hart & Goldberg, the NEW champs.
Speaking of which, Bret Hart is WALKING!
Elsewhere, Kevin Nash is WAITING! (for Scott Hall)
Here's a Special Video Look at WCW, using "Take It" by the ICP as
background music - buy a WCW Mayhem CD! PLEASE! They have WAREHOUSES
full of them!
Closed captioning where available sponsored by JollyTie popcorn!
BLAST O BUTTER!
Evan Karagias is flirting with...Spice? Madusa catches them and then does
her impression of Counselor Troi in that episode where that guy sucks the
life force out of women, making them really old and really cranky and
jealous - you know the one I'm talking about. By the way, Spice is really
hot. There, I said it. Now you know.
BRET CLARKE comes out and meanders a bit before getting to Goldberg. Or
should I say BILL Goldberg, because Hart insists on saying it EVERY time.
"Bill Goldberg." "Bill Goldberg." "Bill Goldberg." "You're not gonna
beat me, Bill Goldberg. I'm gonna make one guarantee. I'm gonna make one
guarantee. In Starrcade, Bill Goldberg, I'll be standing there with my
hand raised right in middle of the air, the best there is, the best there
was, and the best there ever will be. Thank you." This cues the music of
COLD BEER and yes, we ARE privliged enough to get Goldberg walking all the
way from his dressing room to the ring - surrounded by cops, of course -
what a pansy! Goldberg sports one of those T-shirts you get when you
subscribe to the WCW Magazine - bet they had just a few of those lying
around extra to dole out to guys like the 'Berg. Man, Lutz was right - a
lot of people DO misspell "you're" on signs! (This in-joke was brought to
you by SURGE!) Goldberg HAS THE STICK! Listen to the Professor: "Now
unfortunately for you, matches ain't won based on your confidence level.
Matches are won by beating your opponent. As of late, that belt's lookin'
pretty good around your waist. But this being all business - Starrcade -
you gotta beat me man to man. And as sure as I'm standing here, I can
guarantee ya, that ain't gonna happen. And not only will you never beat
me...YOU'RE NEXT." As if on cue, "Theme from Wolfpac" plays and out come
the OUTSIDERS. Didn't I see this LAST week? Scott needs Kevin to feed him
"Hey Yo." "Before you two, uh, heroes, get in a fistfight, you know
everyone wants to watch it this Sunday - but me and Big Kev been talkin' -
you got something that belongs to us - 'cause everybody knows that me and
Kev - the Outsiders - we are IT. Because when you mess with the
Outsiders, you're messing with the shhhhhhhhhhh-bomb, baby." "It appears
to us that you guys got something that belongs to the Outsiders. I'm
talking about those tag team belts ya got down there right now." "Down
where?" "Down there. So if you two can find it in your hearts to kiss
and make up - go ahead - I'll wait, go ahead...how 'bout just a little
embrace? Little sumtin' sumtin'. If you guys can find that tonight, then
how 'bout you put those tag belts on the line here tonight so the
Outsiders - the GREATEST tag team in wrestling history, can walk outta
here tonight the Champs - whaddaya say? Now if you don't wanna do it, we
can do it the hard way, we can take 'em from ya - whaddaya say?" "You
want it, you got it." How come Hart always speaks for Goldberg? Nash
says something about having to finish his coffee first.
So they want the tag belts, but the TV belt can kiss my ass? GIVE IT TO
REGAL!!
GENE O. works tonight! He talks to Madusa's chest. Madusa says Spice had
no business talking to HER man - so she'll wrestle her tonight. That
should...no, actually it shouldn't...
Roddy Piper - ARRIVES!
Promotional consideration paid for by Slim Jim, Rent-A-Center, America
(ha!) Online, Stetson smelly stuff, and the Mag-Lite flashlight - made in
Ontario!
WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you in part by Western Union Money
Transfer!
Total Package - ARRIVES! Coming across Terry Taylor, he learns
that he's part of a big tag match - and his partner is David Flair.
Taylor's got that "point the way" move DOWN.
Meanwhile, the camera follows a Delivery Man - with a package for David
Flair...
MADUSA v. SPICE - And I was like "Don't go there girlfriend!" and she was
all "Talk to the hand!" and I was like "you know, not EVEN," and then she
was all "That is so NOT WORTH IT," and then EVAN KARAGIAS came out and
then Spice sorta charged everybody, then covered Madusa, whose foot was on
the rope, but referee "Blind" Billy Silverman counted 3 anyway (1:08) and
you can SMELL the ratings! Your cherry on top is Madusa German suplexing
Karagias for no apparent reason. Now play my music again! "Girl, PLEASE."
Charlie talks to Curt Hennig - and asks Shane if the remote control is in
place. Then Rhonda Sing(h) appears - Charlie says he doesn't talk to
people at her level - she needs an agent. Then he asks Shane to go get
Piper. RATINGS! RATINGS! RATINGS!
Local promo for Starrcade features a LOT of out-of-date clips - including
one of the Giant, for crying out loud! It's been almost a YEAR he's been
gone!!
WCW Mayhem: the Music CD ad
Let's Take a Special Look at the Revolution - and Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Gene O. welcomes HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN. He'll defend the flag of the USA as
long as there's breath in his body. This guy RULES - you can't kill his
heat, and God knows they've been trying. Just when Duggan gets the USA
chant going, the lights go out, static appears on the Powers-that-Be-Tron,
and ...SOMEBODY punks out Duggan from behind.
Charlie boasts of the power of the old remote control, then tells Roddy
Piper that he's reffing a matchup between Curt Hennig and Buff Bagwell.
It's in the best interests of his career to *do the right thing.* Wait,
how tough should this be? Doesn't Piper have a grudge against Buff?
Buff Bagwell is WALKING!
Sting: Back in Black - Sid Vicious: the Milliennium Man - Nitro
Grrls: The Swimsuit Calendar Special - buy 'em! Now!
Total Package is looking for David Flair. This would be funnier if
somehow Vito and Johnny were involved...on the other hand...
ROWDY RODDY PIPER comes out to his music. What was it they said about
wearing vertical stripes? Strange - Tony just gave away that THUNDER! is
taped this Tuesday...
BUFF IS THE STUFF v. CURT HENNIG - didn't they have this match on PPV?
Piper says this match is no-DQ. Lockup, armdrag from Bagwell, windmill
pose. Lockup, knee, hiplock, windmill double bicep. Lockup, Hennig with
a knee and a clubbin' forearm. Knifeedge chop. Bagwell takes him into the
corner, slam, 2 count. Hennig argues the cadence, Bagwell with an inside
cradle for another 2. Another argument, arm wringer from Bagwell. Off
the ropes, reversed, gutshot from Hennig, kneelift. Oh boy! BUZZKILL
wants us to save the baby seals! Hennig and Piper arguing again.
Lockup, to the corner, right hand from Hennig as Piper tries to get the
clean break. Field goal kick. Knife-edge chop. Hennig choking Bagwell
with his own necklace. Well, he shouldn't wrestle in it, then.
Knife-edge chop, trademark neck snap, Hennig covers and Piper counts a
reeeeeal slooooooow 1 before Buff kicks out. Hennig disputes the count
and Piper dares Hennig to hit him. Hennig back on Bagwell. Choking on
the rope, Piper pulls him off. Head to the buckle. Using the necklace
again. Off the ropes, Bagwell with an elbow, gutshot, off the ropes,
duck, Bagwell clothesline, gutshot, swinging neckbreaker off the ropes.
Cover - 1, 2, no. Scoop - and a slam - a little dance - but he lands on
the knees. Right, righr, right, right, Piper interjects himself, now
they're staring, Into the opposite corner, Hennig wailing away with
rights, again Piper stops him. Hennig turns to Piper again - finger in the
chest - Piper decks Hennig into an inside cradle from bluff - 123 quick
count, Bagwell wins. (4:55) We see CREATIVE CONTROL waiting at the top
of the ramp...
Total Package finds David Flair's room - he opens the door, but hears
Flair...singing?
Jeff Jarrett is WALKING! And pulling a dumpster full of weapons with him!
Chris Benoit is also WALKING! And HE'S got a LADDER!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. CHRIS
BENOIT in a Bunkhouse Brawl - Barstool! Barricade! Barstool! Bullrope!
Bullshit? Bunkhouse Brawl! The REALLY weird thing is Jarrett somehow
LOSES that GREAT BIG DUMPSTER between the time he's backstage and the time
he comes out here! Benoit grabs the ladder, and all of a sudden, a
hardcore match breaks out! Baseball slide dropkick into the ladder, whip
into the ladder, now the other guy gets a whip into the ladder. Benoit
sets up the ladder - Jarrett comes back with the bullrope.
Jarrett on the second rung of the ladder to try a double axehandle -
nope, Benoit puts a fist in the gut. Benoit climbs the ladder, but
Jarrett lassoos him, then beals him to the mat. Now, what we've all been
waiting for - as you might expect, DUSTIN RHODES comes in with a flip,
flop, grab my balls, fly, set up for the Shattered Dreams - referee
"Blind" Charles Robinson blocks it - so Rhodes sets HIM up for it. But
Jarrett breaks a gee-tar (3) over Rhodes. Fortunately, Jarrett's too hurt
to move, so Benoit sets up the ladder for a top o' the ladder splash - but
Jarrett pushes Rhodes into the ladder, and Benoit finds no water in the
pool as he falls to the mat. Cover, 1, 2, 3. (7:03)
Total Package attempts to talk match strategy with David Flair, who is
caressing a headless teddy bear and giggling.
Wow! A Porsche has pulled up! Who's in it? Why SURE I'll sit through
these ads to find out!
Promotional consideration paid for by Judge Wapner's House o' Cash,
Rent-A-Center (again), Stetson (again) and that's it??
Charlie has words with Piper - then Hennig swings a chair - how come he's
better at that than La Parka anyway?
TANK ABBOTT v. THEMONSTERMENG in a "No Holds Barred" match - I
wonder who'd REALLY win this match. I wonder when the crowd will get into
this match. Well, that double leg takedown by Abbott was pretty cool.
Now they're out on the floor. Now they're up the aisle. Referee "Blind"
Nick Patrick counts to 10 (DCOR 1:30) and I can't believe I almost got up
for this match. Oh boy, I bet they BRAWL ALL THE WAY BEHIND THAT CURTAIN!!
There's the Porsche - hey, it's Khris Kanyon! And a coupla hotties!
And...HEY! IS THAT CLARENCE MASON?!?
Jimmy Barron, dude, throws the 1-800-COLLECT Road Report atcha, dude.
Starrcade is Sunday, 19 December! PLEASE buy a ticket! Goldberg and Hart!
You want to buy it! Please! Interesting to see that NWO shirt there...
Piper looks to get behind that door helpfully maked POWERS THAT BE -
spotting a nearby fire extinguisher, he's about to bash the door down when
some cops stop him - then walk off with him.
WOW! MENG AND TANK ABBOTT ARE FIGHTING! I AM EXCITED! Let's leave them
there and hope they'll still be fighting when we come back to them later
DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN & ASYA (with Shane Douglas) v. HARLEM HEAT -
Douglas isn't here to rant, rave and scream - he's here to talk. America
knows that he's right, they're wrong, and they can't face facts. Douglas
tries to convince me there's no "I" in revolutIon. Hmmm. Anyway, the
gist is that Duggan is in deep trouble Sunday. How come it's "mystery"
partners, anyway? Say...you don't think the mystery partners might be
these other guys here, do ya? As the match starts, the lights go out, and
when they come up - Saturn is whuppin' on Malenko - whoops, he must have
thought that was MYDNYTE. She legdrops Malenko. Brief tension as Booker
T. took a tag that Stevie Ray meant for Midnight. T. becomes face in
peril - nice full nelson from Saturn, nice suplex. Tag to Malenko,
Booker T. catches him in a uranage. Tag to Stevie Ray, who's all over
Malenko. Tag back to T - open shot. Malenko slips under a clothesline and
crotches him on top - Asya over to hold him down, Saturn springs off with
a crossbody - but T. ducks and he and Asya spill over to the floor! Tag
to Stevie Ray, another house afire bit on Saturn and Malenko. Douglas
goes off headset and up on the apron - Ray knocks him down. Now Midnight
is in. What fun for Malenko to sell for her! Apparently, Midnight hurt
her knee following a leapfrog - somewhere in here Malenko gets a rollup on
Stevie Ray, and T. tends to Midnight instead of breaking up the pin
attempt. I watched it a few times and it looks like Ray kicked out
anyway. Very confusing. (4:41) Anyway, Ray and T. have a few words -
hey, isn't it a little early to break them up again?
MIKE TENAY interviews David Flair and Total Package - Flair tells Tenay
not to touch him and runs away. Total Package gives us a by-the-way -
he's filed an injunction and Miss Elizabeth can ONLY work for HIM - not
for STING. Then we spy Piper ranting and raving and waving a chair - he
laid out a challenge, but I have no idea to WHOM. I'm gonna guess it was
Hennig...
Meanwhile, Rhonda's caught up to Clarence Mason - she wants him to
represent her, but he only deals with "the BEST Hollywood has to offer..."
like Kanyon, I guess. Chavo Guerrero, Jr., who has been overhearing, has
some dancewear Rhonda might be interested in, however...
OH BOY! ABBOTT AND MENG ARE STILL FIGHTING! Hey Tank, Say No to Crack!
This portion of Nitro is brought to you by Wrangler! Yeah!
Where's WCW this week? I'm glad you asked! Tomorrow, Mobile for THUNDER!
Friday in Daytona Beach, Saturday in Jacksonville - tix on sale for Erie
for THUNDER!, Charleston, and Cape Girardeau!
THIS potion of Nitro is brought to you by LUGZ!
Lookit! Paul Orndorff is here! Man, he looks OLD. Mike Graham helpfully
points the way to the Powers that Be...
Hey, look! The NITRO GRRLS! But they're interrupted by RHONDA SING(H).
This is ... disturbing
Meanwhile, off in the wilderness, Fit Finlay chews out Brian Knobs. Then
he makes him do situps in a stream. This is...HARDCORE!
Meanwhile, Norman Smiley (Ricky Williams) makes a wrong turn and ends up
in the Block with Jerry Flynn. Magically, the camera treatment switches
as
Meanwhile, Meng and Tank Abbott are STILL fighting - and on they're way to
the Block! I know this because the camera treatment changes back
Back in the Block, all four men converge - Smiley takes off and Meng
follows while Flynn and Abbott start brawling.
For some reason, Smiley and Flynn are the Lugz kick of the week!
Charlie talks with Paul Orndorff - so he's the one that trained Midnight?
He's done such a good job with her that he's fired! Orndorff takes a
rather large deal of umbrage at the fact that he's being fired for doing a
GOOD job, and invites Charlie to kiss his (mute). Charlie decides to book
Orndorff in a match with Creative Control...
Goldberg - WATCHES TV!!
Mike Tenay interviews Sid Vicious and a Very Special Youngster.
Must.....resist...urge....to....make....inappropriate....joke.... "See,
Tenay, knowing Oklahoma and Dr. Death, I thought I would bring my own
coach...it's obvious, and it's obvious for you, Steve Williams, that you
will be just an example for Kevin Nash to think
about...until...Starrcade...."
DR. DEATH STEVE WILLIAMS (with Oklahoma) v. SID VISCOUS (with Seth, a Very
Special Youngster) in a suplex vs. powerbomb challenge - Oklahoma says
Mike Ditka isn't from Oklahoma, and also he wears women's dresses. The
crowd goes WILD! All right, I gotta say it - Seth looks like a little Jim
Ross, kinda. Vicious sits Seth down, so Williams surprises him with a
double sledge. Punches! Chops! Rights! Not exactly a slobberknocker,
despite what Oklahoma says. Williams putting the boots to him. Sid
absorbing rights. Suplex? Nope. Sid breaks it. Williams blocks a punch
and tries for it again. Sid FINALLY coming back - Oklahoma over to give
his boot to Williams - and Williams gets him with it. Hey, VAMPIRO is out
and the chase is on. Williams with a lariat on Vampiro, but that was
apparently enough time to bring Sid back up - powebormb? No, Williams
backdrops Sid instead. Off the ropes, Sid with the big boot. Gutshot -
powerbomb attempt - ok. Sid wins. (2:12) Oklahoma in - Sid got him with
a chokeslam. But SCOTT HALL is here - Scott Hall is down. KEVIN NASH
prevents the chokeslam of Hall and a doubleteam is on. Seth should STOP
this! He....oh, sorry. No, really, I'm VERY sorry. Nash powerbombs
Vicious.
Interesting...in this Starrcade ad, there's a TV-PG-V ratings box. Are
you telling me the PPV's gonna be tamer than Nitro? What's the freakin'
POINT then, man?
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Nash powerbombed Vicious - then
smiled and dragged on an imaginary cigarette.
Backstage, the medical staff is checking on Sid. Seth looks concerned.
Apparently, Sid's neck REALLY REALLY hurts.
Mike Tenay interviews the Outsiders. Sid was talking trash - and he paid
for it. They promise to Hart and Goldberg - that - THEY'RE NEEEEXT...
then they make funny faces.
THE NARCISSIST & DAVID SAMMARTINO - ERR, FLAIR !v. DIAMOND DALLAS
PAGE & (THIS IS) STING - Not to give you the impression that only one team
in this match has problems - Let Us Take You Back to THUNDER! where Page
put Sting in the Diamond Cutter. Flair and Sting start - but Flair won't
surrender the bear and crowbar, despite Package's promise that he'll take
care of the bear. Sting ducks the crowbar and punches away - it's quickly
dropped. STINGER SPLASH! Page wants the tag - he GOT tagged, though.
Page in and now he and Sting are fighting. Meanwhile, Package stands on
the apron, stuffing falling out of the decapitated neckhole of the bear.
Package throws the bear out into the crowd - Flair goes out after it -
Luger hits Sting from behind, who was trying to get to Page. Now there's
a CROWBAR SHOT! LIZ is out and she grabs the crowbar before Luger can
swing it again. Luger goes outside for a chair. Liz covering Sting with
her cleavage! I mean, shielding Sting with her body. Meanwhile, Flair's
back in, and there's a crowbar shot to the ribs. Liz covers Luger with
Sting and that's the match. 1, 2, 3. What happened to Page? "Who
cares?" Well, you may have a point. (3:00)
Meng is looking for Goldberg - oh, he's saying "Norman." Hey, did he ever
finish with Tank? And why's he looking for Mike Shaw?
Gene O. attempts to interview Kanyon, who know wants to be known as Chris
"Champagne" Kanyon - or CCK. Hot damn, it's good to see Clarence Mason
back, whatever his name is now. Rhonda enters the frame and asks the
agent what he thought of her dance routine - "who are you?" - the agent
calls for security to take her off. THEN Bam Bam Bigelow enters the
picture, impressed with Kanyon, but Kanyon blows him off by way of a
beatdown. "Triad THIS!"
Bret Hart is lacing up! Lookit his BELTS!
TRIPPA B (with TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. CHRIS "CHAMPAGNE" KANYON (with
two women, one bottle of champagne and one legal advisor) - "Kanyon, I
don't know who the hell you think you are, and I don't know what happened
to you out there in Hollywood - but I know that I'm from Jersey, and I
don't sell out! It used to be just three guys from Jersey - the Triad -
and that wasn't good enough for you, Kanyon, so maybe this ass-whuppin'
will be. Get your butt out here!" One of the women slips on the great
big C - no WONDER they always cover it when women come out. Kanyon still
knows how to sell like a Champ. Apparently we're gonna call him "Mr.
Biggs" now, okay. Back and forth match and I'm TOTALLY dogging it
tonight. Let's go to Bigelow's top rope headbutt. Biggs up on the apron
- distracting Bigelow just long enough for Kanyon to hit a Flatliner - now
known as "That's a Wrap" - hmm, that sounds familiar - anyway, 1, 2, 3.
(Formula 4:09)
Meng still looking for Norman - who has helpfully left behind a trail of
uniform pieces. Oooh! He's HIDING! And SHAKING!
Oh ho ho! Vito and Johnny have BIG PLANS!
Sting has the power of the WCW MasterCard! Can you really keep calling it
"All-New?"
THUNDER! ads aren't as much fun when they feature all A-teamers...hey!
there's Hogan!
WCW Mayhem: the Music CD spot
Sid Vicious has a new T-shirt! I'll transcribe his speech the next time,
I promise! Sid does NOT say "buy the shirt,' however.
Piper rants and raves to Hennig, who isn't around. Apparently, it's a
"chair match" and apparently also, Piper's left arm is nonfunctional.
Piper says he'll do just fine with one good arm.
DISCO INFERNO & LASH LeROUX v. BIG VITO & JOHNNY THE BULL in a body bag
match - LeRoux spins some homespun hometown...stuff. Oh boy, the
I-talians come out to a "Theme from Godfather" knockoff. LeRoux and...one
of the bald guys start. Stay tuned for Paul Orndorff and Creative
Control! Is this a one one one match? Johnny keeps stalking around
ringside instead of in the corner. Wow! The Greco-Roman nosh on the nose!
I guess this IS one on one - Disco is also outside the ring. There's the
FBI universal "I don't like you" pantomime! FROG SPLASH!!! misses.
Everybody ducks, now LeRoux with Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine, there's
the Bayou Blues or whatever he calls it. Big back body drop, into the
corner, elbow, Vito begging off. LeRoux does something Cajun, then pulls
him out to the centre. Off the ropes, sidewalk slam, legdrop, only 2.
Semi-snap suplex from LeRoux - he's going up top! Elbowdrop. Now Johnny
is up on the apron - now Disco is over to take care of him. Disco's got a
STEEL chair! Off the ropes, reversed, WHACK on Vito, there's the Whiplash
- 1, KICKOUT?!? No way! LeRoux brings the body bag - oh yeah, no pins in
this match, right? Vito - very - slowly - gets placed in the bag and
LeRoux attempts to zip it up. C'mon Vito, just SIT THERE so we can get
out of this. Meanwhile, on the outside, Johnny nails Disco from behind.
Ring the bell, LeRoux wins (5:10), but Johnny's in. Say Lash, do you like
WAFFLES? Vito is freed by Johnny. Doubleteam beatdown ensues -
Johnny using a chain for added punishin'. Vito hits a ... let's call it a
180 Flatliner 'til one of the videogame players tells me what it is. Now
LeROUX is placed in the body bag. They're gonna take him to the river!
THE RIVER!
This is another portion of tonight's show brought to you via the cables of
WESTERN UNION!
When we come back, YES! I'm fulfilling my weekly quota of Vito'n'Johnny
Segments! The body bag is laid on the concrete and they put the boots to
it. Oh oh, Vito forgot where he parked the car! Yuk yuk yuk! LeRoux
unzips the bag and pokes his head out...WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?!?
MR. #1DERFUL PAUL ORNDORFF v. CREATIVE CONTROL in a Handicap Match -
Orndorff does NOT come to the ring to "Simply Wonderful," (it's more like
"We Got the Beat") nor is he accompanied by Garry Spivey. Zat guy still
alive? It's too bad Creative Control sucks so hard, 'cause their theme
music is pretty cool. Good LORD Orndorff looks...well, it's GOTTA be that
Johnny Unitas hairdo. Lockup, to the corner, unclean break. Gerald finds
himself on the wrong end of the reversal, Orndorff wailing away on him.
Gerald #2 comes in and Orndorff takes HIM out, too. Dropkick to the knee!
Kneelift! Off the ropes - wiiiiiiinding up, ELBOWDROP(tm)! Gerald #1
back in - he gets in the first knee this time, clubbing on the back, right
hand. Orndorff tries a right hand - there's a nice backdrop suplex.
Going for another elbowdrop(tm) - hits it! Elbow to the back of the head
- there's a shot for Gerald #2 to bring him in and distract referee
"Blind" Mickey J. This allows Orndorff to bring out a rope and work a
choke with it. Finally, Gerald #2 breaks it up. Gerald #1 with a scoop -
and a slam. Elbowdrop (not as cool, natch). A cry rises up from the
crowd - for THE ENFORCERS have reunited, and it feels so good. Anderson
and Zbyszko take divergent paths, then meet in the centre of the ring.
Can three old mean take out two men in the prime of their careers? Well,
Orndorff still has a pretty sweet piledriver. 1, 2, 3. (3:05) That was
pretty cool. Now, let's NEVER HAVE HIM WRESTLE AGAIN. As the three old
men and the ref walk off, referee MARK "SLICK" JOHNSON slides into the
ring and grabs THE STICK! "Due to outside interference, the referee has
determined that Paul Orndorff is disqualified - therefore, your winners
are Creative Control!"
Backstage, the Outsiders talk.
Meanwhile, Piper swings a chair! I keep waiting for him to break out in
Gaelic again.
WCW Mayhem: The Music CD - again - again - again - again
Let's Take a Special Video Look at the Outsiders, to Kid Rock's "Blast" -
surely THIS will make you want to ... watch another WCW Mayhem: the Music
ad
Back outside, Vito and Johnny - chuckle - are back to their body
bag. What hijinks could possible happen now? They - snicker - open the
bag to find - are you ready? I can hardly contain myself! NORMAN SMILEY!
WAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
CURT HENNIG v. ROWDY RODDY PIPER in a chair match - if you ask ME, and I
realise you didn't, but let's pretend you did, I'd have to say it's a
CRIME to have a "chair match" and NOT have La Parka involved. Well, ask
me again in three or four minutes, I suppose... We are reminded that
Piper has a torn bicep and can't use one of his arms. Hennig on him with
WHACK, WHACK, WHACK - Piper drops his chair and Hennig clubs him. Now
back with the chair - driving it into the gut. Hennig stands the chair up
- is he going for Raven's drop toehold? We'll never know - Piper reverses
and drives Hennig's head into the chair. Piper hits Hennig's chair with
HIS chair! It's noisy but it don't hurt much. Piper sweeps Hennig's legs
with a kick so Hennig can do his classic "feet in the air" spot," then he
smites him with the chair in the head so Hennig can go out over the top.
Mickey J. puts on the count - Hennig FLIPS THE BIRD! and says something
that gets muted but I believe starts with "F." Well, I STILL haven't seen
La Parka. (COR 1:17) But I got a couple minutes to give this. You tell
me. Is the crowd digging this?
There's something going on in the back! If you don't believe them, check
out how that cameraman jostles the camera when he finds out he's on!
Mike Tenay calls to the cameraman - we need paramedics! Hart's been
attacked! Ummm, this MIGHT have been more convincing if we hadn't seen
Hart SLUMP down JUST after the camerman entered the room. Goldberg (who
we passed on the way in) enters the picture to see if Hart's okay.
Lovingly stroking Hart's hair, Goldberg stands over his nemesis - and his
partner - with his masculine, hairy chest glistening in the hot light of
the cameras...so anyway
When we come back, Hart is still enjoying the complimentary sofa.
Goldberg is trying to ask if he's all right. Trainer Danny Young tries
to roust Hart while Goldberg wonders aloud who JUMPED Hart. Well, THAT'S
a rather unfortunate choice of words, isn't it?
OUTSIDERS v. COLD BEER & BRET CLARKE for the world tag team championship -
perhaps if we're lucky, Hall and Nash will say a few words before the
match. "Well it looks like Bret Hart's not gonna make it out here tonight
- seems that withstand some kind of injury in the back (huh?). So
Goldberg, since the Outsiders have done you such a big favour tonight.
(TV-14-L ratings box confuses us all), we've made it easy pickin's for you
at Starrcade - come on out from the back and hand us these belts so we can
be the tag team champs again - come on out here NOW and hand us these
belts, you owe us that much." Goldberg, who is watching this on a monitor
(always with the monitors where you least expect them), exhorts Bret to
"Let's Go!" but he ain't movin' while he knows a camera is on him (and
hopefully a few ticks later, just in case) - Goldberg grabs both tag team
title belts and begins his long, long walk to the ring. Amazingly, he
does all this WALKING without the aid of any of the local constabulary!
Goldberg gets in the ring - stares - then drops the titles at their feet.
They both look down...so Goldberg clotheslines them both. Right to Nash!
Right to Hall! Bootto Hall! Off the ropes, up...and down. Standing side
kick to Nash. Hall eats a right and scurries outside to join his partner.
Goldberg waits in the ring for the Outsiders - presuming that they want
the titles and won't get counted out. Now Hall is back in - lockup, Hall
with an arm wringer and his patented shoulderdrives. Yanking on the arm,
wrenching it in again, now messing up his (virtual) hair! Goldberg
decides this is enough and picks him up and throws him down. Here's some
forearms. To the gut - pumphandle - a look for Nash - slam. 1, 2, no.
Right hand, Hall spins and drops - then puts up a hand for the tag. Nash
is in and Hall takes a different corner just for kicks. Nash with
kneelifts, and an elbow. Off the ropes, Goldberg hits a flying
shoulderblock (a la Blackman) and knocks him down. There's a forearm.
Scoop - and a slam (wow) - 1, 2, nope. Another elbow. Right hand in the
abs. Nash takes him off the ropes, and Hall hits him from behind.
Goldberg takes Hall to the floor with one right, but he turns around to a
big boot right in the mush. Nash adjusts his hair, then tags Hall. Hall
stomping away here. Got him in an unfriendly corner - Hall chops and Nash
is tagged. Standing on the neck as Goldberg sits in the corner. Here's a
right. Laid on the second rope. Time for the Bossman straddle! Nash
pulls Goldberg into the center and covers - 1, 2, NO! Tag to Hall.
Goldberg manages one gutshot but Hall goes for the eyes. The crowd
finally shows some signs of life as Hall hits his chokeslam for 2. Bret
Hart is out! I wonder if he'll turn on him! Nope, Hart is all over both
Outsiders, who have to sit there and act tired while Hart alternates
between them. Side Russian legsweep for Nash! He's going for it! Nash
fighting the turn every step of the way - but just as Hart gets him over,
Hall breaks the hold. Hall back on Goldberg. Off the ropes, reversed,
reverse kik, there's another superkick, Setting up for the spear as Hart
pounds on Hall and prevents him from using the title belt as a weapon.
FINALLY, Hall staggers up - there's that spear. Unfortunatley, the camera
misses Nash taking the tag belt to Hart's left knee. Nash covers (and has
his feet on the bottom rope for good measure) - referee "Blind" Charles
Robinson decides they're legal - 1, 2, 3...even as Goldberg hits a
jackhammer on Hall. Ladies and gentlemen, we have new tag team champions.
(6:21) Cue a rather impressive amount of garbage! Goldberg stands over
Hart again with concern. WHAT WILL HAPPEN ON THUNDER!? I KNOW!
SOMEBODY ELSE WILL HAVE TO REPORT THE RESULTS TO YOU!
Not worth waiting for, was it? Ha!
The Artist Formerly Known As Christopher
Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net