I GET LETTERS: Mystery solved, thanks to Scotty: Hey (yo),
I really liked this week's NWA show...but I guess I'm biased being a huge
Low-Ki mark and all!! The replays were surely long, but the truly
objectionable stuff was kept to a minimum. I could've done without
Jasmine St. Claire, in order to give the Briscoe's match more time.
Probably my favorite funny moment that I've seen in a wrasslin' ring, and
I was all geared-up to see CRZ make fun of them, but you missed it! The
crowd was chanting "Zip your pants! Zip your pants!" at K-Krush, and if
you watch the match again, you will see him reach down and zip his
pants...without breaking character! All of a sudden I LOVE K-Krush!!
Let's see how we do with the "truly objectionable stuff" THIS week, eh?
TNA IN THE NEWS(?): Jeff Jarrett's end-of-show fracas with members of the
Tennessee Titans didn't go unnoticed after all - unfortunately, it appears
to have received the WRONG kind of attention: Click here for the
Nashville Tennessean story: http://www.tennessean.com/sports/titans/archives/02/07/19858883.shtml
Same pre-show ad as last week - and the week before - and the week
before...man, it's too bad they didn't think to include any X Division
folk in this ad, isn't it? The OTHER strange thing was I actually saw
more ads for *WWE* presentations (the 100% Austin-filled Vengeance promo
as well as the Austin-filled Fanatic presentation of "What?" - hmmmmm)
just before this show than for TNA. That crazy, wacky iNDEMAND! It's
almost as if they think they'll make more money selling....naah
We start TONIGHT'S show with a long, long, long montage of Jeff Jarrett's
reign of terror - just in case we forgot who the REAL star of this show
EARLIER THIS WEEK: Goldilocks ran after Ken Shamrock carrying an umbrella.
Someone left him out in the RAIN! I don't think I can TAKE it, 'cause it
took so long to MAKE him, and I'll never have that recipe AGAIN - OHHHH
NOOOOOOOOOO - anyway, Shamrock finally gave her the time of day and more
when he turned around and said "Back off, bitch! What's wrong witchoo
people? Oh oh that's right - that's right - you need a story - oh you
need a comment. You wanna know what it's like to have a chair wrapped
around my head - or how pissed off I am! I gotta better idea - how 'bout
I just show you and start kickin' the shit outta everybody here? BACK
OFF!" He shoves the camera and disappears. Wow, listen to him talk
PYRO AWAY - welcome once again to the TNAdome at the Nashville Municipal
Auditorium LIVE 17.7.2 and Tenay is already remarking on the "different
side of Ken Shamrock!" This is NWA Total Nonstop Action #5 and there's a
ladder! The #1 Contender to Ken Shamrock's world heavyweight title will
be decided in a ladder match (no, there's a contract up there, see?) but
oh my let's go to the back
...where Scott Hall is beating up Jeff Jarrett! What's going on? This is
chaos! Madness! Jarrett ends up taking the whip reversal into the deadly
garage door - there's the dreaded plastic garbage receptacle - and there's
the dangerous appearance of Bill Behrens, telling Jeff Jarrett he just
forfeited his match. But - but Scott Hall was the one who...well, damn,
I'm confused and we're only four minutes in
Your hosts are ASK MIKE TENAY, DON WEST DOT ORG & VINCE RUSSO'S FRIEND.
"Ladies and gentlemen, often times live TV can be a real challenge - and
this is certainly one of them." Poor Mike Tenay. Poor, poor Mike Tenay.
Now with no opponent, TEAM MASCARA hits the ring. I still can't quite
figure how this deserves the curtain jerker spot but I guess with no
Jarrett it makes a LITTLE more sense. Malice fails to walk underneath the
ladder - I guess it's bad luck even if you're a Disciple of the New
Church! Mitchell on THE STICK: ""It iswith deep, deep regret that I make
the following announcement. Due to unfortunate and unforeseen
circumstances, it appears that Mr. Jeff Jarrett will not be able to
bleeeed here tonight. However, my weapon of mass destruction (Malice) is
still very much in the mood to wash his hands in the crimson life essence
of another victim. Therefore, Malice is formally extending the thorn
branch to anybody, anybody in this arena that would like to take a ride in
the fast lane to hell and back. Now, do we have any takers?" The lights
go out - this wasn't on the schedule! Lights back up and...it's SABU.
He's desecrating an American flag by wearing it as a turban...so that'd
make him...the face?
MALICE (with Father James Mitchell, Slash & Tempest) v. SABU in a ladder
match to determine the #1 Contender
referee: MARK "SLICK" JOHNSON
Well, here we go. Duck, right, right, right, Malice reverses, right,
right, right, right, right, right - into the opposite corner - two boots
up by Sabu - swinging DDT out. Springboard into a heel kick. Gutshot,
right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, back elbow by Malice.
There goes his vest! Off the ropes, drops the forearm - does it again -
big choke. Johnson manages to pull him off. Scoop...and a slam. Malice
gets a chair tossed to him...but Sabu cuts the legs out from under him -
then tosses the chair at his face. Sabu tosses the chair again. Ew,
let's lose the closeup of his back. Arabain splash - is caught - Malice
with the backbreaker. Malice kicks a field goal with the chair. Malice
with a suplex. Off the ropes - drops the leg. Tempest sets the chair up
in the corner - so Malice rams Sabu's head into the turnbuckle in the
opposite corner. NOW Sabu gets rammed into the chair. Malice drapes Sabu
over the bottom rope and stomps away while Tempest (quite audibly) calls
the next few spots. Hoo boy. Forearm across the chest by Malice - again
- and a right hand. Off the ropes - well, I don't know WHAT the hell THAT
was supposed to be but it turned into Malice going over the top and to the
floor. Ugly ugly ugly. But he's near the ladder, so he grabs it.
Tempest feeds *Malice* some spots. Malice tosses the ladder away, hits
the apron - back to the floor. Damn, get some communication together,
guys. Malice brings the ladder - to the perfect position for Sabu to
dropkick it into his face. Here he comes - onto the chair - the top rope
- and into a double axehandle onto Malice. Here comes Tempest to call
another spot - his whip of Sabu is reversed into the barricade...then Sabu
flies off the STEEL steps into a heel kick for Malice. Tempest over to
call some spots - and now Sabu takes off after Slash and Mitchell - who
run off. Sabu under the ring - he's got a table! Table in place - Malice
in time with a right hand. Head to the STEEL steps. Knee by Malice -
scooped up on his shoulder - and dropped on the ladder, held up by the
ring and the ringside barricade. Malice scoops him up for another one -
running drop onto the ladder and apparently Sabu just broke his nose in
gruesome fashion. Everybody back in the ring - Malice puts the ladder in
the corner - here comes the whip - and he lands hard back first - Malice
adds an avalanche. Malice scoops up Sabu AND the ladder - front slam
pancakes Sabu. Crowd chants "TNA" and Paul Heyman is probably smiling.
Malice stomp, stomp, chairshot. Malice with the ladder - almost saying
"Here, I'll hold this until you hit a springboard kick to turn it around."
Malice underneath the ladder - double legdrop by Sabu onto the ladder,
onto Malice. Stomp. Sabu sets up the ladder...will he actually climb?
Yep - oops, one rung too short - Malice up from under and powerbombs him
to the canvas. Malice puts the ladder against the second turnbuckle and
whips Sabu into the opposite corner - pulls him out - belly-to-belly
overhead suplex onto the ladder! WOW the commentators are excited! TNA!
TNA! TNA! Here's a replay. Into the ropes - big boot by Malice. Stomp.
Malice grabs the ladder - it's underneath the contract. Malice climbs up
but Sabu climbs the corner - dropkick to the ladder to take him off!
Give THAT a replay! Somehow, Malice is up first - while Tempest relays
the spot call to Sabu. Into the ladder - but Sabu steps aside and Malice
splashes the ladder. Sabu throws the chair at Malice's face again - then
hits the Arabian heel kick, springing off the chair into Malice against
the ladder! Sabu out - on the corner - bulldogs the ladder onto Maclie!
Tempest and Sabu "fight" over a chair - Sabu gets it and hits the Arabian
facebuster on Malice. But again, Tempest throws right hands (and calls
spots) from ringside. Sabu sets up the ladder - Malice yanks him off the
ladder. Malice with a right, Sabu with a right, right, chair to the face,
chair, off the ropes - Malice catches him with a spinebuster. Malice
rolls him over, nudges him with his boot and decides to set up the ladder
nowhere near the contract. Climbing up - he's there but he's too far away
- but just close enough for Sabu to shove the ladder, taking him out of
the ring and feet-first through the middle of the table outside the ring.
Give THAT a replay and we almost miss Sabu climbing the ladder in the
meantime - taps the contract, swings it his way - FINALLY pulls it down to
put us all out of our mercy - at least until the Sabu/Shamrock match NEXT
week. (13:23) * Tempest and Slash (hey, almost forgot all about Slash)
put the boots to Sabu - he manages to duck a doublc clothesline and hit a
quebrada on both men...but Malice comes back in and steps on him and the
numbers take over again. Malice crowns him with a chairshot as Slash and
Tempest produce a second table which is set up on the floor. Malice has
him on the apron - chokeslam to the floor! Then they smear themselves
with Sabu's blood - no, REALLY. Just in time, we cut to
Outside, Jarrett and Behrens and Security have apparently been standing
out in the rain for fifteen minutes! OHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO Behrens calls
Jarrett a "bastard." And furthermore, he might catch a "frightful chill!"
As Johnson helps Sabu to his feet, A.J. STYLES hits the ring with a look
of...well, it's a look. HE'S NOT SCHEDULED TO BE HERE AT THIS TIME!!!
Let's all listen in. "Jerry Lynn. MAH partner. I think you owe me--"
"Shut the hell up!" Well, here's JERRY LYNN. "You shut the hell up. I
don't owe you SHIT, punk!" "Jerry I just wanna ask you a question--"
"I'll tell you. You don't ask me nothing. I'll tell you what you want to
know. Lemme guess - you wanna know why I punked your ass out last week
and left you layin' like a BITCH. Well tell me somethin', how many years
you been wrestling now, huh?" "Three and a half, four." "Oh - three and
a half years - everyone always exaggerates. All the young guys exaggerate
- they want more experience. All right, tell me this - humour me, how
many years have I been wrestling?" Commentators sneak in "That's a shoot!"
Oh boy. "Fourteen years, that's right. And while your momma was at home
powderin' your ass, I was busting my ass in the ring. I have done more in
this business in one day than you've done in your lifetime. AJ Styles -
who the hell are you. What have you done? You walk around here like
you're king shit. Well you ain't SHIT. You never had to sleep in your
car at a rest stop or a truck stop because you couldn't afford a hotel
room. You've NEVER had to live off of peanut butter sandwiches for weeks
on end because you couldn't afford to EAT! You ain't SHIT 'til you paid
your dues like I've done! And when I *let* you be my tag partner, you
didn't do me a favour - I gave you an opportunity. And I'll be - I'l be
GODDAMNED if I'm gonna sit back while some snot nosed punk steals all the
victories and the glory. Do you understand me? Look at me when I talk to
you - do you...understand me." "I understand, Jerry." "Good, good.
'cause from here on out - you just follow my lead. And oh by the way, you
will respect me." So Styles gives him an enzuigiri and a discus lariat.
Stomp, stomp, stomp, Styles Clash. Umm....tell me again. Who's the face
here? Play Styles' music!
To the back with Goldilocks, standing in front of an EXCITING door! The
"cardboard and construction paper?" sign helpfully says "FEMALES" for our
benefit. Let Us Take You Back to Last Week for the talent contest
between Jasmine St. Clair and Jeremy Borash - and Bill Behrens and Ed
Ferrara - none of these people wrestle, by the way. Looking for a comment
from St. Clair, Goldilocks instead finds herself pushed aside by
Francine, who takes St. Clair into the shower and sprays water on her
until I ALMOST see aureola.
Speaking of which, the TNA GRRRLZ dance while the crawl advertises:
NWA ECCW - 18 July - Abbottsford, BC
NWA Mississippi - 19 July - Greenvile, MS
NWA Wildside - 19 July - Cornelia, GA
Tenay namedrops every site but this one as effusive in their praise of
last week's show (let's see if that keeps up THIS week) as K-KRUSH hits
the ring to make some noise. "Shut the hell up and sit down. I got
somethin' to get off of my chest right now. I want every one of you folks
in here, everybody that's watching this to look at me - look at me! I
LOOK like a star. Every time I grab this microphone I *sound* like a
star. Whether I'm dancin' down that ramp - whether I'm dancin' in the
ring, or whether I'm just knockin' the dust off somebody's stankin' ass, I
move like a star. I even *smell* like a star. So tell me this - why, at
this point in my career, am I not the biggest damn star in the business?
Tell me this - why, in my first few weeks here, do they put me in the ring
with the damn NASCAR driver?! Why in the hell did the WWF - WWE, whatever
the hell they call themself, why in the hell did they let me go?
Terminate my contract? What the punk damn thunder is that about? I'll
tell you what it is - I'll tell every last one of you what it is. They
was afraid that K-Krush was gonna become something that they was scared
of. They was afraid, whether you like it or not, I was gonna be the
hottest item they had. And you know what that means? That means you
would have had to promote me - they woulda had to sell my T-shirts. Good
Lord, forbid I get the damn gold round my ripped-up-ass waist. My whole
life I've been kept down. My whole life I've been treated like a damn
second hand citizien. And why? You want to know why? Because they know
that I'm better than themy is and they are *afraid* of that. You better
be afraid! You need be afraid. You better be afraid, because form this
point on, I'm gonna take what's 'posed to be mine. I'm gonna spit some
damn face while I'm doing it. After years and years of being pressured
and suppressed, its time for me to move some damn things to the top o' the
mountain, blow the top off that son of a bitch! But you know what, don't
get it twisted. I'm not an angry black man. I'm just a damn truth - and
the truth will no longer be denied." I don't know, most of that SOUNDED
angry - and black, for that matter
One fall, twenty minute time limit THIS IS K-KRUSH (Charlotte, North
Carolina - 244 pounds) v. SCREAMIN' NORMAN SMILEY (Miami, Florida - 235
pounds) referee: SCOTT ARMSTRONG Armstrong sports a large wrap on his arm,
which can only mean one of the following two items: (a) Jarrett didn't
really accidentally break his arm last week, (b) they can't afford a real
cast for him. Anyway, good to see he didn't take time off - time is short
around here, after all! Smiley has opted for orange this week. Tenay
decides to talk about Jarrett & the Tennessee Titans instead of this match
and the transformation into Tony Schiavone II is nearly complete. Krush
from behind - right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. "What do you
think about Norman Smiley now, huh?" Into the ropes, reversed, hiptoss by
Smiley - leapfrog - hand in the face - does the dance! Headlock, powered
out - Smiley up and over when Krush drops down - Smiley with the swoop
slam! Krush is assuming the position...but Smiley says it's not time for
his very special dance just yet. Into the ropes, Krush ducks, wheelbarrow
- Smiley smacks him up while doing him in the butt - faceplant - 1, 2, no!
European uppercut by Smiley - into the opposite corner, Krush up and over,
superfluous backflip, does the splits underneath the clothesline, right
hand puts Smiley down - 1, 2, no. Krush covers again and again gets 2.
Head to the buckle. "Y'all gon' respect me!" Right, slap by Smiley,
right by Krush, right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stands on the neck for 4.
Krush and Armstrong share a moment. Whip out is reversed by Smiley but he
runs into the big boot. Krush swings and Smiley ducks under. Death
suplex and both men are down. Armstrong starts the ten count - both men
up at five - Smiley with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, ducks
Krush's next swing and Krush does a full spin into Smiley's right. Right
by Smiley - winds up for the cocobutt style headbutt. Into the ropes,
back elbow by Smiley, clothesline off the ropes, BUTTBUTT!! Into the
ropes is reversed, gutshot by K Krush, brought up - and HAT RACK CRACKED.
1, 2, 3. (3:21) *1/2 Krush removes his belt - "Is he taking his pants
off?" Well that WOULD be edgy, but no. Stomp - then whips him with the
belt, whip, whip, whip, whip. Poor Don West makes the perfectly valid
point that last week Krush did this to Hermie Sadler and the referee
reversed his decision, not knowing that he just buried that decision in
inconsistency when we all know that will utterly fail to happen tonight.
Krush wraps the belt around Smiley's neck - then hangs him over the top to
the floor. Here comes MRS. NORMAN SMILEY (a rather - ahem - stately
looking figure of a woman) to beg Krush to stop - he DOES let go...but
then tries to throttle HER. TNA SECURITY quickly comes out to separate
them - Krush lets go, leaving Mrs. Smiley to overact to anyone who will
listen. "That's my husband!!" The stange thing is...Norman never *once*
Backstage, Goldilocks finds Puppet masturbating inside a trashcan. This
would normally be where I (ahem) get off. "Can't a midget just get a
little privacy around here? ... What do you mean, what am I doing? What
do you think, I'm spankin' my monkey? Hey little girl, how would you like
to have a little porridge? What do you mean what am I doing. I'm
meditating in here - I'm putting my game face on. You know I have a
little problem that I'm suffering from. We call it PMS. Yeah, PMS -
pissed midget syndrome. And its not a little thing that Summer Breeze can
take care of. The only thing that can cure my problem is beatin' midgets
ass - oh yeah, beat the midget's ass." He's referring to Meatball? "The
world's largest midget? I mean, you're either a midget or you're
a...McCauley Calklin. Oh, I got plans for this Meatball character - see
these six inch pythons? I'm gonna wrap my pythons right around his neck.
Like a spaghetti noodle around a fork. Oh, and uh - later if you're a
good little girl, I'll show you my cobra - oooh yeah." Goldilocks walks
off, muttering about garden snakes and why hasn't her singing career taken
off already? She wanders back to find the Dupps play spin the bottle -
with dryhumping. Stan's apparently playing spin the Bic. "Hey, cain't
you see I'm playin' with far? Hey, Goldie - you, you sure do got some
pretty - (throttles the lighter) - got some pretty lips." "Oh, thank you
very much!" "I, I, I, I wa'n't talkin' about doze, doze lips."
NWA ECCW - 19 July - Port Coquitlam, BC
NWA New Jersey - 19 July - Long Branch, NJ
NWA SW - 19 July - Richland Hills, TX
FLYING ELVISES (Siaki & Estrada - Memphis, Tennessee - 452 pounds - with
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. "FALLEN ANGEL" CHRISTOPHER DANIELS &
"PRIME TIME" ELIX SKIPPER (422 pounds)
Graphic STILL says
"Elvis'" and I still can't make myself duplicate it - worse yet, Daniels
is "Chris" this week so I should probably just give up on the chyron
people. Pier Four Brawl to start - eventually Skipper hits and Daniels
does not - so we're left with Skipper and Siaki in the ring - whip,
Skipper ducks and somersaults out and onto Estrada on the floor - there's
an elbow by Skipper. Skipper takes a shot from Siaki as Estrada comes
back in - where Daniels is waiting with a knee. We break from the action
(confusing as it is) to take a replay of Skipper's corkscrew. Coming
back, Daniels off the ropes, up on Estrada's shoulders but he drops him
facefirst in an inverted rydeenbomb, let's say. Estrada outside - are we
using lucha rules? Skipper and Siaki back in - Skipper in, reversed into
a drop toehold into the second rope - pressed up into a snap Samoan drop -
cover - 1, 2, no. Tag to Estrada. Off the ropes, wacky backflip gets 2.
Right, right, into the opposite corner, reversed, Estrada up and over but
Skipper's waiting with a shot in the back. Meanwhile, Siaki takes fourth
headset. Estrada backflips out of a death suplex attempt, gutshot, double
underhook into the butterfly suplex, 1, 2, no. WOW Siaki is breathing
heavily considering we're not two minutes into this match. Estrada
with...well, hell, let's watch Siaki instead of the action. 1, 2, no.
We watch Siaki some more. "I have three very important things in my life
now - me, me - and me. What do you think about me, Don?" Estrada stands
on the neck. Into the ropes, clothesline, Elvis pose. Tag to Siaki - kid
to the buckle, kick, into the opposite corner, Siaki ducks, gutshot,
scooped up on his shoulder - and drops to his knees, giving him a
backbreaker. 1, 2, no. Stomp. Tag to Estrada. Siaki back to the
headset as Estrada leaps into a nice split-legged moonsault. 1, 2, no!
He decides to try again and only gets 1. Gutshot for Skipper - again -
kick by Estrada, got him up on his shoulder - spun into a drop - 1, 2,
Daniels breaks it up. Stomp, stomp, gutshot, into the ropes is reversed
by Skipper - but Estrada dumps him on the apron when he runs in. "Sonny
Siaki's been carrying this knucklehead on his shoulders the past two
shows." Well, that's out of nowhere - notice also that he refers to
himself in the third person...just like...hmmm. Right by Estrada -
Skipper flips back into the ring to meet Estrada with a clothesline.
Both men down - will we finally see Daniels in this match? Yes! Back
elbow for Estrada, dropkick for Siaki, clothesline for Estrada, front face
on Estrada, ducks Siaki's clothesline while holding him, back kick for
Estrada, elbow for Estrada, running bulldog while clotheslining Siaki!
Right, right, right, Estrada up from behind and there's a death suplex.
All four men in - Skipper runs, uses Daniels for an all-fours boost, off
Estrada's shoulders into a Frankensteiner on Siaki! Meanwhile, Daniels
catches Estrade with a Blue Thunder powerbomb - 1, 2, no! Headbutt by
Daniels, right, overhand right, into the ropes, reversed by Estrada, Siaki
ankles him and Estrada dropkicks him in the face. Second rope, Elvis
shake, legdrop - 1, 2, no! Tag to Siaki - held open for the gutshot.
Chop by Siaki - chop - Daniels fights back - right for you, right for you,
right for you, but Siaki plugs him to stop it. Standing on the neck. Free
shot for Skipper to bring him in - he lands a forearm (which Siaki has to
no-sell) before Johnson finally grabs him. Another gutshot by Siaki, tag
to Estrada, right, right, opposite corner whip, Daniels steps aside and
Estrada hits the corner. Daniels with an enzuigiri and both men are down!
That guy with the "MY NAME IS CHAD" sign is REALLY bored with this match
and REALLY wants you to see his sign. Johnson to seven - tags on both
sides! Skipper right, right for Estrada, right for Siaki, back kick for
Estrada, armdrag for Siaki, belly-to-belly, butterfly suplex, floats over,
1, 2, Estrada saves it. Tag for Estrada - Skipper's clothesline is
ducked, and Estrada hits the blowout. Estrada flubs a springboard but
improvises a forward roll senton - leg is hooked - Daniels saves at 2.
"You fucked up" chant. Right by Skiper - back kick, tag to Daniels - back
leg trip - double springboard moonsault!! 1, 2, Siaki breaks it up! Tag
to Siaki - kick, into the opposite corner is reversed into a reverse
Russian legsweep. Tag to Skipper - up top - missile dropkick! 1, 2, no.
Into the ropes, reversed, gutshot by Siaki - pumphandle - overhead with
the suplex - 1, 2, Daniels breaks it up. Daniels with a forearm, forearm,
running at Estrada who sidesteps but Daniels manages an armdrag on his way
out to take them *both* outside. Back in the ring, Skipper reverses into
the Play of the Day, but Estrada is out, grabs the waistlock - we look
outside and almost miss the German suplex attempt but Skipper backflips
and lands on his feet anyway - Estrada with the Elvis move but Skipper is
up from behind - gutshot - Play of the Day - cover - Johnson more
interested in the outside action so no count for Skipper. Siaki sneaks in
- gutshot on Skipper - variation of the Final Cut, which Tenay says is
called "the Money Clip" - Siaki isn't legal but who the hell cares anymore
- count it - 1, 2, 3. (9:49) *1/2 Post-match, THE DUPPS come out with
very VERY obviously pre-cut boards - Siaki hightails it as Estrada takes
one board shot, two board shot, and even Fluff breaks a board. Bouncy
bouncy! Dry humpy dry humpy! Play their music! Johnson helps Estrada
out as the Dupps do si do in the ring.
NWA Main Event - 19 July - Columbia, TN
NWA East - 19 July - KcKeesport, PA (KcKeesport?)
NWA Tri-State - 20 July - Parkersburg, WV
I guess I should mention that TEO has been let into one of the cages
Goldilocks has K-Krush backstage. What was the point? "You wanna know
about some damn point? How about I start slapping you around, bitch?"
Scott Hall enters the picture and runs Krush into the deadly garage door.
"Two down...one to go"
THIS IS MEATBALL (4'5", 251 pounds) v. PUPPET THE PSYCHO DWARF (4'5", 160
referee: NUMBER THREE
You know what...I think they're
exaggerating his weight. There's a shopping cart full of catering next to
the aisle - Tenay says Meatball made a raid prior to the show and man,
he's really hungry. Meatball brings a bag of cheese doodles to the ring
and that may be as funny as this gets - we'll see. Puppet with a trashcan
to the head - that'll teach you to worry about how carefully you set down
your bag of cheese doodles! Leg trip into a faceplant on the garbage can.
Puppet grinds a boot in the face. 1, 2, no. Here, catch this can so I
can dropkick it into you! Thanks! "Get up, fat boy!" Whip is reversed
and Puppet goes out to the floor! Meatball with a double sledge off the
apron to the floor. Scoop....and a slam onto the ramp! Meatball with a
superfluous cartwheel (!) and then an elbow drop. Whip into the
barricade. Puppet's at the grocery cart now. Meatball with ye olde pie
in ye face. And now, a word from Beck: GET CRAZY WITH THE CHEEZ WHIZ!
Tomato for Puppet. Got the pineapple...but Puppet hits him in the nuts to
turn it back around. Tomato for Meatball. Big, big bag of flour. Crowd
DEMANDS the watermelon - and Puppet gives it to Meatball. Head to the
ramp and I think Puppet's turned it back around. Trashcan lid to the
head. He's got a chair. "Please catch this so we can do the van
Daminator spot twice in this match! THANKS!" Puppet puts the chair in
the ring. Meatball thrown and rolled into the STEEL steps. Puppet
climbing the steps. Tornado DDT onto the floor. 1, 2, NO! Tenay finally
does me the honour of naming the third referee for us: Rudy Charles.
Only took us five weeks! Puppet rams Meatball's head onto the apron.
Man, the commentators actually have to RECYCLE their arsenal of fat jokes
for Meatball. Meatball trying to get in the ring - Puppet meets him on
the apron with a right, right, rakes him across the bottom rope, spanks
him (TNA! TNA! TNA!) goes to the second rope and guillotines him with a
chair underneath. He's not done! He drags him (and/or Meatball
backwalks) into position - chair placed on top - Puppet with the sign -
second floor - VADERBOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMB. 1, 2, 3. Thank God. (6:14)
On his way out, Puppet gets a gander at TEO in the cage - but doesn't
attack him - that feud will just have to wait, folks
NWA Hawaii - 20 July - ?? (I'll bet it's in HI)
NWA Mississippi - 20 July - Magee, MS
NWA ECCW - 20 July - North Vancouver, BC
Then TEO removes the TNA Girl's shirt and nearly gets her tit to pop out.
Man, abusing women is FUNNY when it's a MIDGET doing it!
JASMINE ST. CLAIRE v. FRANCINE
- Poor Jasmine,
her shirt is STILL all wet from that shower from well over half an hour
ago - I guess she had nothing else to wear and no hair dryer or nothin'!
Johnson and Borash fight to see who can part the ropes for her, yuk, yuk,
yuk. "Francine - you started something in the back with me - and I'm out here -
I'm gonna finish it off NOW! Get your scrawny ass to the ring NOW!"
CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! You can watch Francine guide St. Claire -
"grab me HERE, pull my top off HERE" - well there's a bra. The
catfight...continues. There go St. Claire's boxers, revealing the thong.
Francine STILL carries Ed Ferrara's belt. WHIP! Whip! And here comes
BLUE MEANIE - she whips HIM, again - so Meanie grabs her and gives her a
DDT. Let's call the match there. (DQ? No contest? 1:24) Ed Ferrara
thinks it's a load of crap - many, many times, in fact. Meanie grabs St.
Claire in his arms and takes her to the back. Meanwhile, the EMTs are out
- hey I can see the bottoms of her boobies! Oh, sorry - this is a
SERIOUS, SERIOUS situation and she's on the back board with the horse face
- I mean, collar - Ed Ferrara is noticably somber...or at least attempting
to give that impression with his acting. A single tear runs down
Francine's cheek.....sniff..excuse me. I have to finish *masturbating*
Goldilocks has Low-Ki - but not for too long! "I'm sorry - I do my
talking..." and we can't hear the rest 'cause he's too far away from the
Low-Ki uses the dragon clutch - let's look at it here - it's a combination
dragon sleeper/camel clutch!
Here is the Ki crusher '99, Low-Ki's version of the fishermanbuster, done
Blue Thunder style
For A.J. Styles, you should look for the Styles Clash - a Tarantula into a
He also uses the Spiral Tap - a corkscrew twister (legdrop? sentonbomb?
"flying body attack?") from the top rope.
LOW-KI (#1 Contender - Brooklyn, New York - 210 pounds) v. A.J. STYLES
(champion - Atlanta, Georgia - 224 pounds) for the X Division Championship
of the World
Let's go! Lockup, takedown by Ki, floatover - Styles reverses to a
headlock - back up, armbar by Ki. Styles with a back leg trip to a
headlock, 1, Ki floatsover - forearm from the mount, forarm, lefts and
rights, Styles rolls it and HE throws rights from the mount. Back up -
knee by Ki, knee, knee - chop! Chop by Styles. They look at each other
but nobody applauds (ha)! In fact, it looks like everyone's busy watching
"my name is Chad" FINALLY get tossed out of the building for being
incredibly annoying. Crowd is turned way down. Knucklelock, no, Ki kicks
the back of the leg. Styles kicks back. Ki kicks, Styles, repeat,
repeat, the kicks are getting higher up the body, one more time, they kick
at the same time and hurt each other's feet - Ki ducks the next kick and
grabs a single leg trip, floating over to a headlock. Styles with a
fireman's carry to counter. Right to the head. Now they won't even take
the longshot because nobody opposite the camera is looking in the ring.
How embarrassing! Styles with forearms from the mount. Ki slips out. Ki
tries to snap a kick as Styles stands over him - finally connecting. Back
up, double chop to the back - another - now back to the standard chop -
another double chop to the back of the neck. Into the corner, Ki goes
into the cartwheel but Styles has that scouted and dropkicks him. Kick by
Styles, chop, into the ropes, dropkick complete with Holly-style
celebrating. Kick by Styles - scoop - and drop - off the ropes with a
forward somersault senton - 1, 2, no. Forearm in the back by Styles.
Into the ropes is reversed and Ki drops down with a forward roll
guillotine heel kick. Running kick connects and Styles is down on the
apron. Ki grabs the hair - right by Styles, right - up the corner, but
Ki kicks him off. Styles STILL on the apron - Ki wants to suplex him back
in - but Styles blocks - grabs HIM onto the apron - Styles spins with a
clothesline and connects - wants the Asai moonsault but Ki's outta there!
Ki with a running kick, chop, puts his head on the apron but Styles blocks
- Ki's head to the apron - chop - Styles back in - tries to go through the
ropes but flubs it - no matter, though, as Ki stops him with a roundhouse
kick from the floor! Ki on the apron with a chop - Styles chops back - I
punch you, you chop me, I kick you, you kick me, Ki reverses the suplex
attempt into a dragon sleeper and body scissors using the ropes - has to
break at 4, and pulls him in for the cover - 1, 2, no! Ki kicks Styles
square in the back. Dragon sleeper reapplied. Styles grabs the top rope
- then throws a forearm behind him to break the hold. Ki with a forearm
in the back, Styles with a chop - moonsault lands behind Ki - and Styles
hits the DDT. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. Chop by Styles. Into the
opposite corner...Ki gets the superkick up as he comes in. Ki runs at
Styles - and runs into a powerslam. 1, 2, no! Both men stay down a
spell. Styles up first - picks him up - half hour suplex coming up - make
that a brainbuster! Styles slow to cover - hooks the leg eventually - 1,
2, no! Styles with a big right hand. Ki whipped into the corner...Ki
steps aside and Styles rams the post. Ki sets him up the second rope and
climbs up - Styles tries to block - Ki with headbutts and a punch - yet
Styles STILL throws him off. Spiral Tap attempted - and he MISSES! Ki
tries to take advantage - but only gets 2. Ki makes the signal - Ki
Crusher '99 coming up - but after getting him on his shoulders, he rams
him into the top turnbuckle instead. Holding him WAY too long...sure
enough, Styles manages to find a way to reverse it into a DDT! While they
sit there, let's take a replay. Armstrong is up to 7 by the time they get
up. Styles with an uppercut. Ki whipped, reversal, tumbling run into the
cartwheel kick by Ki! Crowd is still watching anything in this building
except the match. Ki climbing to the top soooo sloooooowly - trying a
corkscrew moonsault but Styles catches his legs on his shoulders - steps
in and hits the Styles Clash! 1, 2, 3! Champ retains! (10:36) **3/4
Styles looks thrilled about the audience having their backs to him.
Styles all the way back up the ramp to unleash a might cry - hey, there's
JERRY LYNN with a spear that upends Styles! Lynn throws the belt at him -
now runs him into the ring - PILEDRIVER!! Stomp. Lynn back outside and
going under the ring for the ladder. Ladder positioned in the corner -
stomp for Styles - and here's a belly-to-belly suplex into the ladder.
Mount, seven rights - front suplex onto the ladder. Stomp. Stomp. Crowd
is chanting "Jerry" WAY too loud here. Legdrop. "C'mon, punk! You WILL
respect me, punk!" Stomp. I get it - Lynn is The Undertaker! Lynn
finally leaves the ring. Styles almost gets up (which says a lot about
the damage piledrivers do in this day and age, I suppose) - hey, Lynn's
back out! Stomp, stomp, stomp, DDT on the ladder! Armstrong and Charles
are having practically no luck getting Lynn out of there. Many punches -
I think he's pulling some hair out or maybe that's the claw or...hell, I
don't know. Hey THERE'S that cradle piledriver! Back to that "I am
holding my hand in this position and believe me, it really hurts" move.
And now Lynn takes off...again. I wonder if he'll come back!
Commentators make some more noise. How can these two team up next week?
Only ten bucks will buy you the answer! Also, next week's world
heavyweight title match between Ken Shamrock and Sabu will now have some
stips - Sabu wants a ladder (Sabu speaks the English?) and Shamrock said
sure, but he wants submissions to count as well. So there you go. Hey,
there'll be an X Division match as well!
NWA Wildside - 20 July - Cornlia, GA
NWA CWF - 21 July - Winnepeg, MB (Winnepeg?)
NWA CWF - 22 July - Churchill, MB
BRIAN LAWLER (Memphis, Tennessee - 242 pounds) v. SCOTT HALL (Miami,
Florida - 252 pounds)
Hmm, I think Lawler's got
something to say about people not wrestling in this federation! "Excuse me
- if I can get everybody in here to sit down for a second...and shut their
mouths, okay? I thought I told you people *last* week that I am no longer
'Jerry's kid' - I am my own man! Hey, if I'm not mistaken I said sit down
and shut up. Hold this. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'm
gonna take a quick second right here to give you people a few Jerry Lawler
facts. You know, you always want to - you always want to bring his name
up - you always want to talk about Jerry Lawler. I'll tell you have facts
I have about The King. Fact number one. Did you know that Jerry Lawler
has been married THREE times? That's right. He's been married three
times and all three times his wife was younger than me." Commentators try
to figure out how his own mother could be older than... "No, you don't
applaud that! That, my friends, is sickening! Hey - hey, listen to this
one - listen to number two. Tonight, and this is A SHOOT! Tonight, I
left a ticket for Jerry Lawler to come down here, sit in the crowd and
watch his son wrestle. But you know what? He's not here. I forgot -
every Wednesday night he likes to hang out at the local high school with a
fistful of candies. That makes me sick to my stomach! Hey - listen to
this one - number three. This one involves Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross, and
Vince McMahon. Listen to this one..." Well, damn, just when he was about
to SHOOT, Hall's music starts up. "Hey, ah, ah, ah, ah, no. I'm not
through - I'm not through, kill that music. Cut that music. I don't want
to hear Scott Hall's music and I don't want to see his stinkin' face. YOU
people listen to me. Now like I was saying oh, oh, oh you think Scott
Hall is coming out here so everyone wants to clap..." at this point Hall
enters the ring behind him. Borash makes with the bug eyes.
"...everybody wants to cheer - everbody loves THE BAD GUY - everybody
loves RAZOR, or whatever you wanta call him. Well, let me tell you
something - let me tell you what I think about Scott Hall. Nah, you know
what - what I think about him, let me tell you what I know about him - oh,
Scott Hall, what they call him - Last Call Scott Hall - 'cause he's always
(makes drinky drinky motion) oh he's the last one to leave the bar -
boozing it up... getting that last one in. Hey, I got more to tell ya
about Scott Hall. You want me to what? What? What does this (draws a
halo) mean you bunch of morons? Huh? Oh, it's not the rodeo. Huh? Ya
bunch of hillbillies. I don't go to rodeos. I tell you what I DO do. I
kick some ass. I am a legitimate, bonafide, certified asskicker. Hey,
and if anybody doubts me, you're more than welcome to step up in the ring
right here and get you some of this bad boy right heeeeeeeeeeeeah. Oh
yeah. Oh yeah. I don't see anybody getting in here. Anybody over here?
C'mon down, huh? That's what I thought. A buncha talk. Well I tell you
what - how about over here?" FINALLY he turns Hall's way and eats a right
hand - that was the LONGEST TWO AND A HALF MINUTES IN SPORTS and that
INCLUDES all them horse races! Still, could have been worse - they could
have put another two and a half into this match, right? Ah ha ha. Right
by Hall, right, right, into the ropes, Lawler hooks the ropes and gives a
highly audible "fuck you" to Hall - climbs out but Hall kicks the ropes to
crotch him, then gives him the uppercut to the floor. "Me me me" dance!
Hall out after him - Lawler into the barricade - Lawler onto the
commentator table - Hall right, right, right, right, Blowout into the
commentator table - so many moves to choose from, Hall with a...right.
Lawler whipped into the barricade. Stomp, right, right, Lawler rolled
into the ring, Hall back in, Lawler back out, Hall back out - the chase
(such as it is) is on - up to the ramp - Hall with a (wait for it) right.
Lawler down, Lawler up, Hall with a....right. THIS IS OUR MAIN EVENT!
Hall with a (yes) right hand. Lawler goes into the crowd and comes up
with a purse to take control. Another purse shot. Well, I've seen
everything now. Lawler right, right, head to the post. Hall rolled into
the ring and Lawler follows. "Jerry's Kid" chant and Lawler makes a
comical face in response. Right hand by Lawler - right hand. Lawler
spits his gum in the crowd, which incites them. Two handfuls of hair -
Hall rammed into the top turnbuckle. Lawler up to the second rope -
right, right, right, gnoshes on the cranium. Lawler stokes the crowd a
bit more. Gutshot, gutshot, double leg, got both legs...and headbutts the
lower abdomen - pointing to his own abdomen to prove to Johnson that
that's really what he just did. Suplex coming up - but first, a middle
finger for the crowd - suplex, floatover, 1, 2, Hall kicks out. Hall
whipped into the corner. Lawler drives his shoulder into the gut, again,
make it three, uppercut - and Hall checks his teeth. Lawler chokes Hall
on the second rope and adds a hairpull for effect. Lawler slides under
and connects with a Boss Man uppercut outside the ring. Lawler asks for
the mic. "Anybody out there sayin' 'Jerry's Kid' can kiss Jerry's kid's
ass!" Back in the ring and there's a right hand. Right. Hall bounces
off the ropes and comes back with a right. Lawler right, Hall right.
Lawler right, Hall right, Hall with a discus right but Lawler ducks - and
hits a superkick. Lawler goes for the goggles - why? He's just gonna
take them off in anger after climbing to the top, right? But before he
gets there, Hall beals him back in! Right, right, into the ropes, Lawler
ducks the clothesline but makes the cardinal error of attempting a
crossbody block - so Hall catches him for a fallaway slam! Hall puts
Lawler on top and climbs to the second rope - DEATH SUPERPLEX! I think
Hall wants to let us know that that's it! Edge coming up - Hall keeps him
there a really, really long time - which can only mean it's run-in time -
sure enough, Lawler escapes as K-KRUSH is out - HE gets a right, right,
right and goes back outside - ducks a clothesline from Lawler - gutshot -
scooped up for the Edge - wrong side to the camera but he HITS it! 1, 2,
3! (8:17) *1/2 Krush is back in - Hall meets him with a (guess) right -
Hall's gonna give HIM the Edge but Lawler manages to sneak behind for an
uppernut - sorry, THREE uppernuts - and Hall crumples to the canvas.
Krush takes off his deadly, deadly belt - he and Lawler give Hall a
crotchin' and bounce him a bit. Forearm in the back from Lawler - and now
Krush is going to hang *Hall* with the belt. Hall spits RIGHT on the
camera - lovely. Lawler tosses Johnson - now TNA SECURITY is out, along
with BULLET BOB ARMSTRONG & DON HARRIS - Krush and Lawler and taken off
but the damage is done. Here come the EMTs one more time. Poor K-Krush
forgot his belt! Hall actually gets to his feet to WALK to the gurney
(HAAAA ha ha ha) but gets the ride to the back. Credits are up - oh,
wait, JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is dressed as a paramedic and he's got a
chair. Poor Mike Tenay: "Paramedic, my ass! That's Jeff Jarrett!"
Chairs for every Security member dumb enough to show his face - and of
course, plenty for Hall. He threatens to take out the cameraman - and
that's our cue to fade to black.
How come every time the swearing goes up, the workrate goes down? HMMMM