by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
You know, if you're like me...no, wait, I have no idea where I was going
with that. Sorry.
BLATANT PLUG: Jim Raggi, who you may remember from his pretty bitchin'
letter about wrestling appearing on some other site, is also pretty
passionate about his music. I am lame enough to casually lump it all
together as "metal," but if you're smart enough to know the difference
between this kind and that kind, AND you're in the Atlanta area, you may
want to see if you can get your mits on his 'zine, "Lamentations of the
Flame Princess" - hell, with a name like that, how can you resist it, eh?
He's got a web page for the 'zine, too, but I don't dare plug it as it's
only a "Coming Soon" page. I tell you all this because he sent me a couple
copies and I'm jealous of him being a REAL publisher while all I ever do is
push up electrons - on the plus side, I probably have a lot less stress -
well, different kinds, anyway. What, you don't care? Oh, you're right.
Let's move on. Anyway, thanks Jim. Next time you have a wrestling column
in you, I've got a place for ya on the Web.
QUICK QUOTES: WWFE 16 1/8 (+ 1 1/8) - really shot up on New Year's Eve,
then settled back a bit today. But more importantly, check out GRIC at 59
1/4 (+ 40 3/16) - you go, GRIC! Papa needs a new web server! Don't let
anybody kid you - Silicon Valley makes DREAMS come true!
TONIGHT: I'm sorry to say I missed the "Walker, Tejas Ranger" ad - but I
*did* get to see a heck of a lot of nasty rump kickin' from my man Walker!
"What a guy!"
TONIGHT: Whoa, check that! Came through at 2057! Tonight, live from the
new American Airlines Arena, we'll find out who the Intercontinental
champion is (With an old title belt in the graphic!) We'll find out what's
going on as the McMahon-Helmsley era continues! We'll find out that the
Rock has finally come back to his hometown! All this and more - maybe -
you know - some MATCHES? - we'll find out! It's only three minutes away!
"Guilty!" "Guilty!" "Guilty!" "Guilty!" "Guilty!" ALL RIGHT, I DID IT!
I BURIED THE HEADLESS CORPSE AND THEN FRAMED THE BLIND GUY AT THE NEWSPAPER
KIOSK! Oh, wait...sorry. Nothing.
REAL Walker closing credits? How often do we see THAT?
TV-14-DLV NO OPENING CREDITS NO FIREWORKS NO NOTHIN' - it's the
first RAW of the new millennium! (You know, technically speaking, EVERY
Monday is the beginning of SOME millennium...) and immediately
LA ROCA is out. His autobiography "The Rock Says..." will be released
Wednesday, and I'm sure if Scaia hasn't already thrown up an Amazon link on
his homepage, he will after I've just reminded him! (You owe me three
pennies for that hint, Rick.) Let me just click over a sec...yep, the
Torch was right. Okay, back to RAW for the rest of the night. I have a
VCR for Nitro, after all. There's a "Rock E" chant. Just for you, a
transcription. "Finally, the Rock has COME BACK ... home." Crowd, who had
said "to Miami," pops. "Home to Miami, the home of the Miami
Dolphins...home of Miami's favourite reggae superstar, Ziggy Marley [and
there's ZIGGY MARLEY in the crowd] - Dolphins, the Marley family, allow the
Rock to introduce you to his family - and the Rock's family are the
millions...of Rock's fans." Pause for chant again. "Seein' as this is the
very first millennium RAW, and the Rock is surrounded by the people of
Miami, and the Rock is the People's Champion, the Rock sees it fit to say
on this day - one thousand years from now, in the year 3000, when the
historians look back and wonder what the sound was that encompassed this
millennium, the Rock says it was the sound of the People chanting his
name... and seeing as this is the very first year of the Rock's
millennium, the Rock has but one resolution. Simply put, the Rock says he
will be THE best damn WWF Champion there ever was. But before the Rock
becomes champion, he has one issue. That issue is Mick Foley. Mick, the
Rock realises you gave fifteen hard-earned years to this business - this
very business in which the Rock grew up in, and the way you were fired, the
way you were put out of the WWF, the Rock says it was the biggest pile of
monkey crap the Rock has ever seen! Now speaking of monkey crap...Triple
H...the Rock knows that you are back there listening, so the Rock says if
you have an ounce, an inch, a shred of hair on your ass...then you will
come on out here, go one on one with the great one, look this brahma bull
in the eyes, so this brahma bull can take his horns - shine 'em up real
nice...turn 'em sideways, and stick 'em straight up your candyass!" TREBLE
H & STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY come out as, once again, the screens to
either side of the EntertainmentTron change to the pictures of the Helmsley
couple we've seen the past two weeks. The Game has The Stick, but first we
take pause for this "Asshole" chant. "First of all - Rock, I passed an old
lady in the back on my way up here - she says she wants her jacket back.
Rock, let me make somethin' perfectly clear to you - there is nothing more
than I would want in this world than to walk down there and beat your ass
in front of every one of these jackasses - in front of your home town - in
front of your fans - in front of your "family" - to leave you layin' in a
puddle of your own blood for all of them to watch. But the fact of the
matter is, Rock, I've got bigger fish to fry than you. Because quite
frankly, Rock, you don't bring much to the table for me - you don't offer
to me anything I want - you see, Rock, I too have made a New Year's
resolution - and my resolution, very similar to yours, except that mine
will take place tonight in that ring, because tonight The Game will go
one-on-one for the World Wrestling Federation championship with the Big
Show - and I WILL become the three-time World Wrestling Federation
champion. Why? Because I am that damn good! But Rock, don't feel left
out, Rock, because, we've got room in the show for you - as a matter of
fact, I've got a hell of a little spot you can fill tonight - you know,
Rock, I know how much you like to make history - you like to be a first for
things - such as last week, the first-ever "pink slip on a pole" match -
which I believe that was the idea of my lovely bride - you remember...you
remember that match, Rock? The one where YOU - FIRED - Mick Foley? Well,
tonight, Rock, you get to be involved in another first. Tonight you get to
be in the first-ever ... Handicap 'You're Fired' match. Now if you're
wondering exactly what that means - what it meanas is, that tonight in a
handicap match - the Rock will go, not one-on-one, but one-on-three - AND,
Rock if you do not win that match, your ass is fired. Oh, and Rock, hey,
just to make things fair, because, hey, there's one thing about the
McMahon-Helmsley era - we are fair - to make sure things are fair, if
ANYBODY interferes in that match tonight, they will be fired on the spot.
Spit it out, Rock, I don't have all day." "Well, the Rock just wants to
know exactly who it is you had in mind for his opponents." "I'll tell you
Rock--" "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU HAD IN MIND!" "Very good, very good,
Pavlov, all your dogs have barked when you rang the bell. Your test was
successful. (Crowd barks - ha) Rock, you - it's only fair you'd want to
know who your opponents are, so just to be fair, and since you seem to have
so much energy tonight, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do - I am gonna give
everybody here a chance to see firsthand what you can expect later tonight,
I'm gonna give YOU a chance to see firsthand what you can expect later on
tonight, 'cause I'll tell you what, here are your opponents right now."
The DX theme plays and the OUTLAWS & X-PAC storm the Rock - and beat him
down. Dogg and X-Pac holding the Rock for a series of stinging
rights from Mr. Ass. X-Pac with a spinning heel kick. The refs come down
to break it up and the Helmsleys approach the ring. "Rock, I tried to give
you a warning last week - I told you if ya screw with us, you've got two
choices...tonight, Rock, you will experience both firsthand, 'cause tonight
Rock, first, you will get your ass kicked again - and then...you will get
your ass - FIRED-UH."
Before we get too much further, and since I have some time during this ad
break, let me tell you that tonight, WWF RAW is WAR is at the Triple A -
the American Airlines Arena in Miami, FL and LIVE 3.1.2K on the USA Network
and (barring some exciting curling coverage) on TSN in Canada. A little
strange to not have the standard RAW promo during the "Walker" closing
credits, and even MORE strange to not have the "One World Leader" opener -
are we working on new stuff for the new year? Hmmm...
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where three men got the better of one...
TOO COOL (with Rikishi Phatu) v. NO LIMIT DUDLEY BOYZ - Let Us Take You
Back to SmackDown! where the Mean Street Posse help the Dudleys get the
better of the Acolytes, probably guaranteeing a run-in in THIS match.
Before the match starts, sure enough, out saunter the MEAN STREET POSSE.
They stay on the stage as Christopher and D-Von start. Off the ropes,
duck, slide under, full nelson, Flatliner from Sexay. Tag, off the ropes,
double back elbow, pose, double elbowdrop, D-Von comes back against Taylor,
but Taylor reverses the whip and takes him down to the mat - time for the
worm/centipede/whatever karate chop, whip reverse, hot shot by D-Von. Tag
to Buh-Buh Ray - right hands aplenty. Off the ropes, big back body drop by
Dudley. Boot to the head. Head in the corner, tag to D-Von. Both men send
him into the ropes, double shoulderblock. Into the corner, Scotty gets the
boots up and hits a second-rope clothesline. Tag to Sexay, tag to Buh-Buh
Ray. Dropkicks for each man from the GrandMaster. D-Von tries to help out
his brother, and Christopher manages a double DDT for 2. The Posse is down
and assaulting Phatu - now the ACOLYTES are out and the Posse immediately
scatters. Buh-Buh Ray with the powerbomb on Sexay - holding him for the
"headbutt to the graun" spot but Taylor is over to crotch D-Von. Also,
Phatu is in to superkick Too Cool's way to a (DQ 3:17). There's a sitout
(alleged) piledriver on D-Von and NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE
DANCE!
MICHAEL KING COLE asks the Acolytes what's up with the run-in - Bradshaw
says they're just trying to finish what the Posse started with them.
Faarooq says they could beat up on the Posse with one arm behind their
back...
...unfortunately, Stephanie heard that on the monitor - and she thinks that
that'd be a sweel idear for a match - so tonight, we'll have the Posse and
the Acolytes, one arm tied behind the back of the Acolytes. After a knock
at the door, Steve Blackman walks in to talk with Triple H. "You were told
by certain people not to interfere in Angle's matches right?" "Well,
kinda." Helmsley tells Blackman that if he hits Kane with the kendo stick
tonight, he's fired. Got it? "'k. I got it." "Why would Blackman hit
Kane with a kendo stick?" Helmsley reveals to Stephanie after Blackman
leaves that Kane happens to be Angle's opponent tonight - also, that his
SECOND New Year's Resolution was to end Kurt Angle's undefeated streak.
KANE (with Tori) v. OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE
AND AMERICAN HERO KURT ANGLE - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week as Tori
did some weird shit, man. Back to now - and Angle's ready to cut a promo
for me: "Hold up a sec - now, many people think that this very well could
be the end of my incredible reign as the ONLY undefeated wrestler here in
the World Wrestling Federation...but fret not my fans, because it is *I*
who has the advantage. Oh sure, this is definitely a handicap match, but
*I* am the heavy favourite, you see down here I see a 7' tall, 340 pound
bag of muscle who hides behind a mask and does not speak one word, and why?
Because he lacks integrity and obviously he lacks intelligence. Oh sure,
he has intensity, there's no doubt about that - but that can only take you
so far, Kane. So, as you can see, I am the heavy favourite because I have
all THREE I's in my corner - Intensity, Integrity, and Intelligence. So
I'm asking all of you to cheer me on as I continue my undefeated status -
and beat the heck out of this big lug they call Kane!" Kane rushes Angle
and it's on. Angle rolls into the ring to recover, then strikes as Kane
tries to enter. Lawler: "We all know, since the fire, Kane's only got one
eye!" Now THAT'S a pun. Kane reverses a whip into the ropes, Angle ducks,
but not the big boot from Kane. Angle's head meets the buckle. Uppercut.
Right. Whip into the opposite corner, Angle puts up a boot, but runs smack
into a lariat. Angle thrown outside; Kane follows. Scooping him up - and
dropping him on the barricade! Angle rolled back in, Kane to the top rope
- flying clothesline! Angle somehow manageing to get to his feet - ducking
the clothesline in the corner and punching away. Kane throws him back to
the centre. Elbowdrop misses, and Angle dropkicks the knee. To the rop
rope goes Angle, but the axehandle misses as Kane catches him in a choke -
and here's the chokeslam! Thumb crosses throat - ahh, *there* is STEVE
BLACKMAN - in the ring - looking right at Kane - then cracking the kendo
stick ... across the noodle of *Angle*. There's another win for Angle as
referee "Blind" Chad Patten is forced to call for the bell. (DQ 2:28) Kane
stalks up the ramp after Blackman. MAN, that guy's BRILLIANT! (Well, okay
- *I* laughed - but that may just be my Blackman's disease manifesting
itself again)
Backstage, Helmsley asks Stephanie if she happened to have had a
conversation with Blackman right after he just did. She says no, but if he
thought THAT was tricky, just wait and see what she did about the
Intercontinental title!
Here's an exterior of the GORGEOUS American Airlines Arena
"My Time" plays (#2) and STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY walks out with TIM
WHITE (with the belt), JIM KORDERAS and CHAD PATTEN. I already have a
sneaky suspicion what's about to happen, but don't dare utter it for fear
it'll come true. Hint: it involves refs wrestling to settle this. She's
probably the only McMahon we'll hear speak tonight so let's enjoy it:
"It seems as though we have a dilemma on our hands - just who is the World
Wrestling Federation intercontinental champion? Is it...Chyna? Or is it
Y2J Chris Jericho? Well I'm sure everyone has their opinion, but I think
we need to take one more look at this match to determine who the REAL
intercontinental champion is." Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! for the
good ol' double pin on the chair. "Now, you two seem to have been
arguing. Mr. Referee: who do YOU think is the World Wrestling Federation
champion?" Korderas: "Without a shadow of a doubt - Chyna." "Well then
let's have Chyna come on down to the ring." Here's THAT SLUT CHYNA &
ERNEST MILLER, all smiles, walking down to ringside. "But it seems as
though we have another referee to ask. Mr. Referee, who do YOU think is
the Intercontinental champion?" Patten: "Most definitely, Chris Jericho."
"Chris, come on down!" Ross notes that CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO got a bigger
response than Chyna - now WHY would he go and say something like THAT?
Back to Steph: "All right - now even though everybody has their opinion, I
have made a decision. Seeing as how this is the McMahon-Helmsley Era, and
it is a brand-new millennium, and business is being done as it has never
been done before, therefore, Triple H and I are going to make a ruling
that has never been made before. Chyna - and Chris Jericho are BOTH the
Intercontinental Champion! Now now, what the means is that only one of
you can defend the title at a time, AND should one of you lose, I suggest
you listen, Chris, this is very important to you - should one of you lose,
you BOTH lose the Championship - now, now I know you two have your
troubles and don't get along so well, but if you really look at what's in
the bestinterests for the both of you, I'm very confident you'll
find a way to get along." The HOLLYS crash the party. "Cut the music -
now I don't give a rat's ass WHO the champion is - Chyna: "That's me, I'm
the champ." "Well, seeing as you're the champ - I want a title shot
tonight, and I want it right now." Stephanie: "Well, Bob, why don't you
come get it?"
HARDCORE HOLLY (with Crash & Scale Holly) v. THAT SLUT CHYNA (with Ernest
Miller) for the Intercontinental championship - Jericho gets on third
headset and bemoans Stephanie's hairdo AND her decision-making ability.
Jericho says he never lost the championship and this is a CONSPIRACY!
(Bring back the sign!) Hardcore Holly has the best dropkick in the
business, by the way. Standard Chyna offense (gymnast's splash, gutshot,
DDT, she didn't go for the nuts this week at least) pervades in this
match, with a bit of back-and-forth - ending comes after Holly
clotheslines Chyna out of the ring - Chyna tries a Sunset flip back in,
Holly squats down - Jericho walks over to clock Holly - Chyna rocks back
into a cover, referee "Blind" Tim White stops glaring at the Kat long
enough to turn around and count - 1, 2, 3. (1:58) Jericho nicks the belt
and walks out while Chyna's arm is raised. Chyna and Kat quickly out to
follow. Crash in the ring taking a bit of amusement from the whole thing,
and Hardcore hits a superkick on him. Looks like they're going to fight
through the crowd again. Holly blowing one of my rules of thumb - "new
tights = title win" - must speak to him about that.
Backstage, Triple H tells Stephanie how impressed he is with her decision.
Following this, Prince Albert and Big Bossman appear and Triple H tells
them that tonight they'll take on Test and his partners - emphasis on the
"Z" at the end...just to be "fair," mind you. Bossman says no matter,
tonight they'll kick some freakin' ass. Stephanie tells Triple H to go out
there and win the title - then she kisses him - on the cheek.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING and JERRY LAWLER. Tonight,
Triple H and the Big Show! Let Us Take You Back one week and show you how
it went down between those two in the LAST title match - well, them and
Road Dogg - and Mr. Ass - and X-Pac - and Mankind. Following all that -
the successful title defense by the Big Show on Monday, SmackDown! saw a
very special handicap match culminating in a quad-beatdown on the WWF
Champion by DX.
Michael King Cole attempts to get a word from the Big Show - and nearly get
his head taken off with - a glare?!? WWF title on the line - NEXT!
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. TREBLE H (with Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley & DX
... and the RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) for the WWF Championship -
champion enters first because Triple H is a glory hog - that's #3 for "My
Time." Helmsley tells DX to hang back on the ramp. Show attacks Helmsley
while he's standing on the apron - kicks- take down, pickup, thwon in the
corner, kicks, Helmsley finally ducks and hits seeral rights. Show comes
back with a headbutt. Off the ropes, head down, kick by H, headbutt by the
Show. Elbow from the Show. Scoop - and a slam, with authority. Well it's
a big elbowdrop - but only 2 from referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. Helmsely
attempting to fight back, rights, out of the corner, whip is reversed -
FLAIR FLIP! (sorta) Triple H on the floor, Big Show climbing over the top
rope to go out and meet him. Headbutt! Daring DX to come down, then
hitting a forearm to his back. Helmsley up on his shoulder - Helmsley
manages to shrug off and push Show over the barricade to the concrete.
Triple H back over to meet him. Right, head to the barricade, right, Show
blocks another right and beals him back over the barricade! Whip
into the STEEL steps is somehow reversed by Triple H. H rolls in the ring
to "break the count" (wink wink - like he's counting.) Show taken over the
commentary table, unseating Lawler. Fists of fury from the challenger.
Head to the table. Helmsley moving furniture - Show's head taken to the
bell - and one more time for good measure. Show shoved back in the ring.
Is this "no DQ?" H with a whip, reversed, head down, facebuster from
Triple H - there's a high knee. 1, 2, huge military press kickout.
Helmsley cutting loose with rights - but Show is starting to hulk up -
there's a big ol' headbutt. Off the ropes, sidewalk slam - 1, 2, no! Off
the ropes again, duck, powerslam - 1, 2, H *again* manages to roll the
shoulder. H sidesteps a splash - but Show is still up -
ahhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM - 1, 2, *foot on the rope!* Show places Triple H
and scales to the second rope - but there's no water in the pool for the
elbowdrop. Pedigree?!? Nope, backdrop from the Big Show. X-Pac runs to
the ringside, but Chioda isn't gonna let him down. Choke from the Big
Show, but H hits a kick in the nuts while the ref's back is turned -
Pedigree! Chioda back around - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a
new WWF Champion. (7:08) Lots of pyro goes off (gee, who planned THAT?),
followed by more pyro, glitter, balloons - wow, I hope they didn't have all
this set up LAST week and just didn't get the chance to use it... I guess
now we know where all the pyro from the opening of the show went. You
know, it was a year ago this week that it was *Mankind* on the shoulders of
DX instead of Triple H. Nitro's over, so I guess we can manage an ad
break...
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - and see that low blow, Pedigree and
pin just one more time - just in case you were watching another channel,
you missed it, neener neener. DX strikes a pose for our benefit.
TEST & ? v. BIG BOSSMAN & PRINCE ALBERT - Let Us Take You Back to the many,
many times that DX has broken Test's nose over the course of the past two
months. Amazingly, it looks okay today. But he's still gonna don that
mask, just in case. Do my eyes deceive me, or do I spy a cage above the
ring? Test's partners are announced as FABULOUS MOOLAH & MAE YOUNG, who
are accompanied by HIZARVEY WIPPLEMAN & SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY.
Bossman and Albert strike before they make it to the ring (as if that'd
help) - Test on Albert, but Bossman from behind. Both men kicking. Test
into the corner - Albert whips Bossman into the corner, but Test sidesteps
it. Clothesline ducked, Albert eats a clothesline. Test all over Bossman
in the corner, then inviting in Mae Young...oh boy! Broncobuster by Young
on Bossman! Kill me now! Fortunately, Albert takes out Test from behind,
then works over Young while Bossman works over Moolah on the outside.
Henry is over, but not before Bossman is back in the ring. Mask removed,
Albert with the bearhug and Bossman splashes Test in the back. Test
punching each man, taking Albert into the corner...Bossman splashes ...his
partner. Test runs at Albert, but eats a boot. Albert rushes Test - but
ends up in a powerslam. Test up to the top - nightstick shot on the apron
from Bossman, missed by referee "Blind" Teddy Long (who's dealing with the
seniors, I guess) - Test runs into the bicycle kick...and gets pinned.
(1:42) After the match, Mark Henry comes in the ring, but he's one and
Bossman's got a stick. Now Harvey Wippleman is in, shirtless - Albert has
little problem picking him up by his neck and gently dropping him to the
apron. Test takes his opportunity to hit each man from behind, so Bossman
and Albert scatter. Moolah carries off Wippleman over her shoulder - oh,
stop, you're killing me. Killing me now.
In the McMahon-Helmsley office, DX celebrates the new WWF Champion
with confetti, balloons and champagne.
Meanwhile, the Big Show walks off without a word. Hey, he'll catch a
frightful chill without a shirt! Show wears TOMMY!
Back to the celebration - the Helmsleys share a toast
ACOLYTES (left arms bound) v. MEAN STREET POSSE - the Posse attacks on the
ramp before the bell. Faarooq manages to introduce Pete "Gas" to the STEEL
steps and the barricade, while Bradshaw tries to work on Rodney and Joey
Abs inside the ring. Before this gets too far out of whack with reality,
the DUDLEY BOYZ come out (DQ :31) and a 5-on-2 works to the favour of the
five. "Head to the graun" spot for Faarooq by the Dudleyz. They take off
while the Posse removes their belts and lay a whuppin' into the Acolytes.
A pride of refs & officials are out to break things up...
Meanwhile, back in the office, the celebration continues - Road Dogg
suggests a bonus for the Dudley Boyz after what just went on. Stephanie's
wearing the belt. Hey, how about an ad break? After all, that segment
almost lasted - what, three minutes?
A timpani roll brings HOWARD FINKEL to the stage. "Ladies and Gentlemen,
D-Generation X proudly presents the epic film 'Have a Bad Day!'"
"d-generation X productions / in association with helmsley mcmahon studios
/ a triple-H film / starring mankind / have a BAD day" A sign says
UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE. Triple H plays Harry Sack, an employment counselor
and X-Pac is (voice-wise, a dead ringer for) Mick Foley. "What can you
do?" "Well, I can jump off of a cage onto a table, I can get hit in the
head 37 times with a chair and not have any - not have any - not have any
damage. I can get hit with a chair..." Sachs cuts him off. "Quite
frankly, you're horrible. That McMahon-Helmsley era, they did everybody a
favour - they got rid of you! Let's face it, you're hurting the product,
son! You're not hardcore anymore - you're basically a Muppet!" Mankind
begs for some work, Sack tells him to get out of his office before he beats
him like Triple H did. "Ohhhh...not another beating!"
Yow, ANOTHER ad break! They're sure *milking* this "unopposed hour" thing,
aren't they?
Geez, I haven't seen this many ads since...SmackDown!
And now, the WWF Slam-of-the-Week, brought to you by 1-800-COLL-ECT - Matt
Hardy slamming a chair onto the back of Al Snow to save his
brother's ankle - from SmackDown!
WWF RAW is WAR comes to you through the kind sponsorship of Castrol, Burger
King, and phonefree.com!
JEFF HARDY (with Matt Hardy & Nipples) v. AL SNOW (with Head) within the
confines of the STEEL cage - Snow with a shot for Matt on the outside, just
for the heck of it. Unless it was to distract referee "Blind" Teddy Long?
Now Snow's beating on Jeff between the ropes, then slamming the cage door
on him as well. Hardy pulled outside - STEEL chair procured, STEEL chair
whacked on Hardy. Thrown in the cage - and Terri's thrown in too! Snow
takes the chair with him and gets in the cage while Terri tries to vamoose.
Snow produces a chain from his tights and locks the cage door shut. Terri
calls to Matt, but Matt's still out. Jeff, however, has come to, and gets
in a moderate attack on Snow. Whip is reversed, Jeff climbs the ropes with
no hands and hits a moonsault! Double legdrop between the legs. Hardy
tries to get Terri out - but notices the door's locked. Snow over and
stomping away. Snow removing a turnbuckle cover - or attempting to, at
least. Over to kick Hardy, back to the turnbuckle. Wow, lookit them
headlights. Looks like Snow gave up on the turnbuckle. Kicks to Hardy,
whip into the turnbuckle is reversed (good thing the cover's still there!)
- but Snow lands Snake Eyes to stay in control. Hardy taken into the cage.
Scoop - and a slam. Snow with the chair - he's going to finish the job he
started on Thursday! Terri over to rake Snow's back. Hoganesque, it was!
Snow takes the chair and advances on Terri - then whacks the cage where
*Matt* was trying to climb, hitting him right in the hands. Jeff dropkicks
the chair to Snow's face. Hardy climbing to the top - he'd leave Terri
there alone? Snow quickly up to meet him - grabbing Hardy's hair - and
there's a bulldog from the top rope with Hardy on top of the cage!
1-800-COLLECT provides the Double Feature of both the chair to the hands,
and the top-of-the-cage manoeuvre. Back to the action, Snow is up -
powerbomb - check that, Snow takes him completely over, dropping Hardy on
his face. Snow now has the chair, and he's using it on the ribs. Matt
can't climb the cage - his hands are shot. Jeff's head meets the cage
wall. Snow stomping away and giving the badmouth to boot. Jeff taken off
the rope, duck, Hardy with a spinning heel kick. Both men down, both men
up - Hardy blocks a punch and lets loose with a barrage of punches. Kick,
off the ropes, big back body drop, Hardy climbs - Snow over to bring him
back to the mat. Snow with palm thrusts to Hardy's head, driving it into
the cage. Got Hardy on his shoulder - there's the lawn dart to the side of
the cage. Got him again - but Hardy shrugs off and Snow is taken into the
cage. Hardy uses Snow (who's on all fours) as a springboard to get to the
top of the cage - then flips over and out. (6:46) Postmatch, Snow tries
to take some measure of revenge against Terri, but Matt has managed to
recover enough to get in the cage and put the kibosh on THAT with some
well-placed chair shots. Poor Al - on the plus side, he DID seem to get a
nice handful of ass for his troubles, so. You know, if Terri had just
dropped her panties, she could have escaped...oh well, maybe next time.
NOW the refs are out and they seem to have a key to the lock - geez, where
was this key earlier? It would have been kinda helpful to have THEN,
wouldn't it? Well, no, see, 'cause it wouldn't have helped the STORY. Ha!
Snow vows that this isn't over...
The timpani sounds again and once again HOWARD FINKEL is out... "Ladies and
gentlemen, the story continues as DX presents Part Two of 'Have a Bad
Day!'" In this part, Triple H is Dr. Hung Lo at the "W. C. Fields
Children's Hospital" and X-Pac is (once again) Mankind. Mankind looks for
some children to entertain, but the doctor says unless he's got Triple H
with him ("he big-time ovah!") he's gotta leave. Mankind takes umbrage, so
Dr. Lo climbs over his desk - he knows the whooping crane! Or something.
He pops Mankind's balloon. "Ohhhh - mercy!"
"World's Deadliest Swarms!" Next Sunday after HeAT! Coincidence? I think
not!
Footage of a "Mankind Book Signing" when we come back - Mankind all by
himself...okay, that's KINDA funny.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight as DX laid some smack down on the
man who usually lays down the smack himself.
In the Rock's dressing room, Patterson & Brisco express how worried they
are for the Rock, and how they'll miss him when he's gone. Rock takes
offense and does some shouting. Highlights include "roody poo crew" and
"poppin' your chops."
In the DX dressing room, Triple H reminds DX of their objectives - gee,
should they keep drinking with a match to come?
The Fink: "And now, we return to Part Three of that cinematic masterpiece,
'Have a Bad Day!'" Triple H is "B. Dalton" and X-Pac is (guess) Mankind.
"Helloooooo..." Dalton says that not only is he doing no business - he
appears to have caused his OWN people to have left! Mankind doesn't know
why his new book isn't doing so well - Dalton says it's because the
McMahon-Helmsley machine isn't putting its promotional muscle behind it.
Mankind reluctantly agrees. "You're not very bright, you smell pretty bad
- I got no choice but to fire you." "Oh, no...not again..." Mankind tries
the Mandible Claw with the Sock... "You wanna threaten me with a sock?
I'll beat your ass like Triple H did!" "Have a nice day!" "Have a nice
day?" and he runs him into a wall. "What are you thinkin'? I'm tryin' to
run a respectable book business here - you're fired!" "Have a nice
day...."
Back in the dressing room, DX again discusses strategy - THIS time, the
Rock busts in and interrupts proceedings, taking out the (already possibly
inebriated - or at least suffering ill effects from some "possibly bad
celery") Dogg in the process, and giving a few shots to the other two
before beating a retreat. That match - is - NEXT!
Mankind Takes Manhattan - with Chef Boyardee's Overstuffed ravioli. He may
be fired, but by God, Chef Boyardee is gonna stick by THEIR contractual
obligations!!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Rock takes Dogg's head to the wall
and hits a couple shot to Mr. Ass - then disappears...
1-800-COLLECT presents the Royal Rumble LIVE 23 January from Madison Square
Garden in New York City!
TREBLE H & STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY present D-GENERATION X v. LA ROCA in
a handicap "You're Fired" match - Dogg with one more hit on the Dom before
making it to the ring. The Helmsleys take their usual position in the
recliner underneath the EntertainmentTron. The Rock, strangely, walks
right by them. Well, I think he MIGHT have looked at 'em on his way by.
Before the match starts, Triple H has THE STICK: "Rock, Rock, just a little
something I forgot to mention to ya - this match - it's no DQ - go get 'em
boys!" The Rock starts out on fire, but he's one and they're three. Rock
quickly taken to the mat, out of the ring, and DX follows. Ross: "Who's
gonna be stupid enough to help the Rock? If they do, they're gonna be
fired!" Rock over to the commentary table, timekeeper's table, barricade,
everybody taking turns putting the boots to the Rock while the crowd
settles on "X Pac Sux" for a while. Rock manages to reverse a whip into a
back elbow on Mr. Ass - Road Dogg to the STEEL steps, X-Pac run into the
posts between the legs. Referee "Blind" Tim White gets caught giving
singles again by this viewer as I hear an "eight minutes" cue. DX has
regained control and Rock is back in the ring when I return to paying
attention to what's going on - Dogg with a left, left, left, juke, give,
Rock strikes back with a clothesline and Gunn has to come in to help. No
problem for Gunn - until he tries to whip the Rock - it's reversed, and
Gunn collides with his partner, knocking Dogg to the commentary table.
X-Pac comes in and hits a spinning heel kick. 1, 2, nope! X-Pac continues
stomping on him, drops the knee, Ass drops the knee, Dogg stands on the
neck with a rope assist, stomp from X-Pac. Ass outside, there's an elbow
to the heart. Another elbow from Ass. Dogg outside as well -
double sledge to the back. Vertical suplex coming up - block - Rock
reverses into a suplex of his own, but X-Pac is over to put HIS boots to
the Rock. Rights, and kicks, and repeat. Knife-edge chop. Another. And
now the Outlaws are over - Dogg with a punch, Rock fights back, now DX
employing the "black ninja" style of attack, which never works - Rock with
a flurry - but Ass blocks a head to the commentary table and sends HIM over
instead. The tripleteam begins again. Back in the ring after a while or
so. Outlaws choking in the corner - X-Pac with some kicks to boot. Double
whip into the corner, Rock ducks the clothseline, punch for Dogg, punch for
X-Pac, duck, DDT for Ass, Samoan Drop for X-Pac, spinebuster for Dogg.
People's Elbow time? Yep. 1, 2, Ass pulls White outside the ring, then
shoves him to the floor. Rock punching X-Pac, but there's a spinning heel
kick to take him down. Mr. Ass setting him up for the jackhammer - and
there it is. Dogg and Ass dragging him into the corner - I smell a
broncobuster coming up. Yup. Dogg asking his mates to hold him while he
goes to get a chair - but MICK FOLEY emerges from the crowd, hops the
barrier, rushes Dogg and swipes the chair. There's a chair for all four
DX'ers, including the new WWF Champion, who's a bit too late coming down.
Rock is the first man up - Ass is second, but as he rushes the Rock, he
ends up falling into Rock Bottom! White over - 1, 2, 3!! (9:16) Ross
does his "Al Michaels at the '80 Olympics" impersation as Rock makes it up
to the top of the ramp and turns back to show Helmsley three fingers -
while *Helmsley* fumes. Ross' last words for tonight - "Triple H - is -
PISSED!"
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net