by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
MORE HITS FOR
WRESTLELINE: KngSnapple asks you to examine the
picture at http://www.wrestleline.com/photos/bombshells/hos/gg3.htm
because we're all VERY concerned about what we THINK we see in a...well -
"private" area. We need second opinions! Thank you! Somebody open a
forum on this!
UNHEIMLICH: Today's Yahoo! horoscope for Gemini sez: Public situations
could test you beyond the limits of your endurance. You may be ready to go
to battle over an unjust financial situation. Resist the temptation to
pull the rug out from under people just to show them your real value.
Instead, try to find a way to have quiet, private discussions. Later on,
you'll be happy that you didn't let your ego get the best of you.
What, you thought I was going to confirm or deny something? Where's the
freakin' MYSTERY if I do THAT?!?
I GET LETTERS: JInsaidoo suffers from a common affliction. Read her/his
email and see if you can figure out what it is before I tell you at the
end of the letter: hey man! i wanna know when undertaker is coming
back to WWF and stone cold? i like watching wwf everyday but now things r
moving pretty rough because there're know such big guys to take triple H
and the outlaws the D generation out of the game. it used to be
undertaker, stone and the rock for them to run the show every Monday while
stupid D generation & Stephanie Mcmahon Helmsley now running wwf.i would
like to see stone and undertaker back to wwf while if Kane can join hands
with his brother undertaker to take those sucker triple H and dumb outlaws
out of the game because i hate to see triple H running his yap mouth every
Monday and Thursday. Now what? they have fire mankind and using different
plan to fired the best one the Rock out off wwf.but they cant because The
Rock run that freaking show all the time and i think we enjoy to see em
kicking somebody ass out the out off that ring. Anyway, I wanna see those
men back again stone cold and undertaker. Thank u.
That's RIGHT! I have ABSOLUTELY NO POWER to bring back Stone Cold Steve
Austin and the Undertaker to the WWF - as well as ABSOLUTELY NO SPECIAL
KNOWLEDGE of when they WOULD be coming back. In other words, WHY are you
Also you can't use capital letters correctly. I'm sorry, but I love you
and I had to tell you for your own good.
QUICK QUOTES: WWFE 15 1/64 (- 1 7/64)
TONIGHT: The Kiel Center feels the awesome power of the Rock! The
McMahon-Helmsley Era continues! You thought we'd give up a MATCH in this
spot? You're a LOSER!
Speaking of giving up matches, the Royal Rumble card has a whopping ONE
match revealed with under two weeks until the PPV - and that's the tag team
title match with the Outlaws vs. the Acolytes. Think they'll help us out
with THAT tonight? Stick around, we'll learn TOGETHER!
I SAID IT: All you fair-weather recap readers who have no idea what I
like and dislike, observe the following edited quotes from a recap past:
...something that sucks is about to happen. ... My friends, *Hell* is
watching THIS crap take place before my eyes. ... oh, SHIT ... I do not
want to see this. ... God, I so do not want to watch this. ... THIS WAS
THE MOST FUCKING STUPID THING EVER. I don't care how much it costs, but
drop this NOW. This is the kind of SHIT that makes columnists QUIT.
[The commentators] tell us they've never seen anything like this before.
Fucking lamers, speak up and tell us thais was the STUPIDEST thing ever
PUT on _____. Come ON.
That was me a year ago. Fill in the blank, you guess the show and
detemine my bias!
Hint: It's not "Nitro."
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF!
Opening credits and closed captioned symbol
AND FIREWORKS! AND PYROTECHNICAL STUFF! AND AND AND... AND WE ARE LIVE
from the Kiel Center in St. Louis, MO 10.1.2K for the SEVENTH anniversary
of WWF RAW!
The SEVENTH anniversary of WWF RAW! Can you dig it? Let's take a break
before the show even starts. I went back to the original legal pad and
re-transcribed my VERY FIRST, long lost Monday Night RAW report for
rec.sport.pro-wrestling just so you wouldn't be without. The hyperlink to
the old textfile is http://www.CRZ.net/wrestling/monday/RAW.930111
- you go click on it, and I'll be right here when you get back.
Welcome back! How 'bout that first original card, eh? Ha! Yokozuna and
Koko B. Ware - I mean, and we ATE THAT STUFF UP, didn't we? Come to think
of it - I could go for that match RIGHT NOW! Why isn't somebody putting
that on TV for me?!?
ALMOST THE ENTIRE LOCKER ROOM walks out and surrounds the ring. In fact,
one wrestler is noticably absent - but the music hits. "If ya
smellll...what THE ROCK...is cookin'." Sure, HE gets his own entrance. I
guess we know who the main man is at the moment. As he enters the rings,
we look back to see Stephanie & DX looking on with bewilderment. I'm sure
all will be clear as soon as we learn that "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK
to St. Louis! Now you are probably wondering why every single WWF
superstar is surrounding the ring with the People's Champ in the middle.
Well the Rock says they have all asked the Rock to be their spokesman...and
as unaccustomed to public speaking as the Rock is, he has agreed, so the
Rock says Triple H and Stephanie, bring your candyasses out here and face
the Rock!" We look back - they don't appear to be moving...well, actually
- Triple H and Stephanie get up expecting the other three to back 'em up -
the Outlaws and X-Pac stay put. "Sounds like he was calling for you two -
not us." Back in the ring, "The Rock says...we'll try this one more time.
Maybe you didn't understand the Great One - maybe you'll understand this -
The Rock says: Triple H, Stephanie, bring your ROODY POO CANDYASSES!" Now
TREBLE H and STEPHANIE McMAHON-HELMSLEY are out - "Now now now - gentlemen
I don't know what you're up to...but - but I'm sure..." pause for the
"slut" chant... I am OUTRAGED that people would use such a word towards
such a fine woman! "...but I'm confident we can work something out." Rock
puts up the hand for Stephanie to talk to. "Let the Rock give you
something you have needed for a long time. The Rock says you should know
your role and SHUT YOUR MOUTH! Now the Rock says we're gonna talk about a
couple of things. The very first thing we're gonna talk about is Mick
Foley. Now the Rock knows that Foley's out there in the parking lot right
now, here in St. Louis - probably selling popcorn, hell he's probably
eating popcorn, but the Rock says if you do not meet our demands, we've got
every single WWF superstar ready to walk out on your candyasses and every
single WWF superstar ready to join a new federation - the WRF - the World
ROCK Federation. So the Rock says tonight you will reinstate Mick Foley -
NOW!" Triple H whispers in Stephanie's ear. As she starts to croak out
"Yes," a huge "Foley" chant from the fans drowns her out. Triple H takes
THE STICK: "All right, Rock, you want Foley reinstated? As of right now,
Mick Foley is back in the World Wrestling Federation - but not - NOT
because you say so - it was already in the works, as a matter of fact we
were gonna reinstate him today anyway." "Secondly, the Rock says he's been
all - he's been in all type of matches as of late - the pink slip on a pole
match, the you're fired handicap match, and the Rock says that as of
tonight, there is no way...and the Rock means NO WAY matches like that will
ever happen again." Now Triple H whispers in Stephanie's ear. "That -
that seems fair - that seems fair." Once again the "slut" chant takes
over. It's an OUTRAGE! Fine upstanding women just SHOULDN'T be called
"slut!" "It sounds to th eGreat One that there's fifteen thousand Rock
fans [calling you a slut]!" Hey, he stole that line from Austin! H: "I
thought they were talkin' to you, Rock!" "And thirdly, the Rock says this
- you like to throw away - throw around your weight, like you're a big
shot, like you're the Rock, well the Rock says as far as for anybody being
fired, is that as of tonight, there is no one who will ever get fired again
unless there is just due, jabrones." H: "That's fair, too. Hey, you guys
gotta realise one thing - all we're about is fairness--" some familiar
music cuts off Triple H - sounds like Ugly Kid Joe...hey, there's MANKIND
come out through the crowd! That music guy is PSYCHIC! Anyway, Foley
gets in the ring and climbs the ropes for the fans. "First off, I would
like to acknowledge THE DOZENS...of Mankind fans who sent out their care,
their cards and their letters. Second off, I'd like to thank the Great One
- not only for the kind words he inscribed to me in his new book, but for
sticking his neck on the line in support of me. But as it refers to the
McMahon-Helmsley era, I wanna say I condem you for ridiculing me, for
making fun of me, for mocking my family, and I've got a coupla suggestions
I'd like to make - in concern to the Royal Rumble, you see, I think I've
got a hell of a main event lined up and it concerns you and it concerns me
in Madison Square Garden...before you think about it, I'd also like to add
a couple of special stipulations at a later date - and with the knowledge
that we've got about fifty wrestlers ready to walk on a moment's
notice, I suggest you make up your mind...right about...NOW!" "You want me
at the Garden, you want me at the Rumble?" "You're damn right I want your
ass at the Rumble" "You got it!" "'cause you see, Triple H, the way I
figure it is when I get my--" the Rock cuts him off. "Well, seeing as the
WWF title match is set for the Royal Rumble, the Rock says he's gonna take
it upon himself to include himself in ANOTHER match at the Royal Rumble.
The Rock says, as the People's Champion, the Rock is gonna throw his name
in the hat and be a participant in the thirty-man Royal Rumble...and the
Rock says that night, at Madison Square Garden, New York City, the Rock
says he is gonna take 29 other ... jabrones...one by one by damn one...over
the top rope, the Rock, standin' in the middle of the ring, goin' to
WrestleMania to face YOU...or YOU." "Rock, that sounds like a hell of a
matchup - but let's not just waste all our energy on the Royal Rumble - it
seems to me we've got about twenty thousand screaming fans right here in
St. Louis, Missouri. So why don't we put our heads together and come up
with a hell of a show...." "A hell of a show is not your job to come up
with!" "Wait, wait, no, these are just suggestions, Triple H! Because you
know I've been out on the road and doggone it, not a day goes by when
someone doesn't come up to me and say 'Mick, who do you think the toughest
of the two New Age Outlaws is?' Yeah, I think we deserve to find
out...with your permission, I think we oughta book that match right here in
St. Louis tonight." We look back to DX for a reaction. "And I suppose if
we don't, everybody walks?" "Everybody walks." "Outlaw vs. Outlaw, sure,
that oughta be a hell of a match, sure, that's great." "That is great, but
you know while you were talking about that I had another idea - you see, it
seems to me you told X-Pac that he was just as good as you were on
SmackDown!, and I'm not sure everybody believes it, so I think we oughta
find out, by golly! And hey, once again, Triple H, with your permission, I
think we oughta see you and we oughta see X-Pac in this very ring tonight!"
Stephanie: "You got it, Mick! You got it!" They turn to leave, but...
"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - the Rock says we're not done. You see, as sure
as the Rock is standing in this ring, and as sure as you two roody poos are
standing on the stage, the Rock says that if your candyasses make it
through the entire night, there's one more match. It's gonna be the entire
DX facing the Acolytes." "Oh yeah, that's great - all four of us against
the Acolytes - no sweat, you're on." "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa...the
Rock is not done. You see, the Acolytes won't be alone - they're gonna
have a tag team with them, and that tag team is gonna be the Rock and Sock
Connection." Mankind jumps around a bit and goes to hug the Rock, who
flinches away. "If ya smelllllllalalalalalow what the Rock is cookin'!"
Ross officially proclaims this night "hellacious." We'll be right back!
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER.
"During the Break" footage shows the Outlaws crying foul about Triple H
making the match pitting them against each other - rather a less than
sterling review of his ability to handle pressure, 'tis. As for X-Pac
...well, he really didn't get a word in edgewise with all the screaming
going on but the gist was he'd see Triple H later.
ROAD DOGG v. KING ASS - WHEN OUTLAWS COLLIDE! somebody starts Dogg's music
early so he doesn't get a chance to ask our ass to call somebody. Well,
they don't WANT to lock up...but it looks like they'll do it. Collar and
elbow, to the ropes, to another corner, reversed again - Ass gives his
partner a clean break - crowd boos. Lockup, to the corner, around we go,
to another corner, Dogg gives him a clean break. Ross says there's a
signup sheet in the back and folks can sign up for who they'd like to
challenge tonight. Ass puts a forearm across the back - why'd he turn his
back on him? Six stomps, count 'em. Head to the corner. Ass all over him
with rights, then standing on the neck. Pulling him up by the braids,
snapmare, off the ropes with a slo-mo kneedrop for 2. Chinlock. Dogg
calls to the crowd, then gets to his feet and breakdances an elbow to get
out of the hold. Ass promptly knocks him down with a shoulderblock off the
ropes. Hairpull to bring him up, and Ass tosses him over the top rope to
the floor. Ass outside as well now - dropping him on the barricade. All
the women in the front row had collective heart attacks. Back in the ring,
whip off the ropes, duck, left, left, left, juke, jive, right, off
the ropes, wiggly wobbly woosly kneedrop, 2 count. Off the ropes, head
down, Ass takes him down with the jackhammer. Into the corner, Ass splash.
Gutshot, Ass coming off the ropes for the Fame-Ass'er but Dogg slips his
head up, avoiding the leg and catching him into a slam. 1, 2, 3. (3:30)
Dogg offers the hand but Gunn won't shake it. He leaves the ring.
Mankind has the fake Mankind tied up in a dressing room - WHAT WILL HAPPEN
Terri signs the signup sheet for her team...who're they gonna face?? Looks
like they're the only people signed right now...well, maybe during this
break something interesting will happen.
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, AMERICAN HERO AND
ALL-AROUND GREAT GUY KURT ANGLE & STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) v.
HARDY BOYZ (with Nipples) "You know, the St. Louis Rams and your Olympic
hero have a lot in common - we're both full of intensity, integrity, and
intelligence, BUT unlike the Rams, I actually beat people with winning
records! It's true...it's true! You mean to tell me you would boo an
Olympic champion and cheer Kurt Warner - a former Arena football player who
just HAPPENS to be on a lucky streak? Gick!" and he just cuts himself off
with incredulity. There are some RAMS in the audience, by the way, okay.
Matt's finally back to competing - what, those broken fingers were all a
work? Oh well. Angle fireman's carry on matt, to the corner, Angle with
the dirty break, Matt blocks and fires away, repeat, back suplex for Hardy,
neckbreaker, leg hooked - 1, 2, nope. Tag to Jeff Double whip into the
corner, all fours side kick, 1, 2, foot on the rope. Angle with a punch
and a desperation tag. Blackman ducks and kicks away, Jeff ducks a
roundhouse and kicks back, whip is reversed, Jeff slides under the bottom
rope, jumps onto the apron when Blackman tries the same, sprins onto the
second rope andhits a beautiful Asai moonsault onto Blackman. Hardy jumps
onto the barricade and lands on Blackman, who catches him and halts him in
midmove. Instead of finishing the headscissors, Blackman swings him around
- into the STEEL steps! Wow! Everybody back in the ring - only a 2 count!
1-800-COL-LECT brings us a Double Feature of Blackman's innovative offense.
Tag to Angle, open shot. "Angle sucks" chant as they go to the corner.
Hardy sat on the turnbuckle, Hardy up for a superplex, but Hardy punches
him away and he almost spills to the outside, managing to hold onto the top
rope and pull himself back to the apron. Hardy dropkicks him and he again
falls to the apron. Jeff reaching for the tag, but Angle has the ankle.
Jeff spins up into a mule kick to break free, and there's the HOT TAG!
Clothesline! Clothesline! Atomic drop! Scoop - and a slam! Angle
catches the leg, then spins him into a Blackman thrust kick. Off the
ropes, Blackman hits a big back body drop as Jeff surprises Angle, dumping
him over the top to the floor. Blackman goes outside for the baton,
despite the protestations of referee "Blind" Teddy Long - before he can use
it, however, Jeff is off the top with a dropkick to the head - right into a
swinging neckbreaker from Matt. Cover - 1, 2......3. (3:26) Angle gets
back in the ring and berates Blackman for losing once again. Angle with
the "nuts to this" hand motion, and he walks off.
Mankind tells the fake Mankind that he's all tied up - then he laughs
hysterically. Only, see, it was...well.....kinda lame. I know! I can't
believe I'm saying it either! But still....perhaps this is becoming a
yearly tradition? Last year Mideon was born when Dennis Knight was
"sacrificed" - complete with fake blood and druids. This year, he's
dressed in the Mankind outfit and playing the part of Vince McMahon to
Mankind's Steve Austin. And you people forget I can get annoyed with the
Edge displays his teeth near the signup sheet. Christian appears and asks
Edge if "he" was happy that Edge wanted to fight him. "Yeah, he was
totally happy about it." "Wow, that's awesome!" Will we find out what was
up with this? Perhaps after THIS!
Chris Jericho says Chyna really showed him something last Thursday, and
although it's hard to say, he's sorry - but he KNOWS that they can team up
and take down the Hollys - now won't she please sign the form? Hmmm, I
BALD VENIS v. EDGE (you think? - with Christian) for the European
championship - Ross drops the bomb that Val's sister is engaged to Edge.
Ahh, there's your subtext. I guess. Feel the excitement - WHEN FUTURE
BROTHERS-IN-LAW COLLIDE! Venis takes the mic and instead of telling us how
hard his dick is, he says "Hello, ladies! You know something, as many of
you may or may not now, my sister is engaged to Edge. Now Edge, with all
due respect, you may have what it takes to win my sister's hand in measure,
but I guarandamntee you this, you do not have HALF of what it takes to win
this European Championship." The orange glow and the voice saying
"survive" takes over Edge's entrance for a bit. Handshake to start.
Lockup, no Edge ducks, elbow, elbow, off the ropes, reveresed, back elbow,
elbowdrop misses, off the ropes, reversed, dueling hiptosses, Edge with the
leg over the neck, head scissors takedown, cover, 2. Into the corner, boot
up to stop the charge, but Edge runs into a spinebuster for 2. Ross says
the Outlaws aren't getting along in the back, and it's just breaking him up
inside. Edge's head taken to the turnbuckle. Two punches, into the
opposite corner, followup lariat. Repeat. 1, 2, nope. Into the ropes,
reversed, sleeper for Edge! Venis turns into it, and hits a powerbomb. 1,
2, nope! Venis stomps on him. Edge with some surprise gutshots, Venis
goes to the eyes. Venis drops him on the top rope throat first - another
near fall. Edge finds a second wind - three punches, off the ropes, Venis
buries a boot in the gut, then comes off the ropes - but Edge counters the
attempted swinging neckbreaker with a DDT. Both men down. Christian
leading clapping on the outside - off the ropes, Edge with an atomic drop,
there's a cltohesline, biiiig back body drop. Edge to the top...missile
dropkick! Venis puts up a boot, but it's blocked, Downward Spiral! But
Venis has a foot on the ropes. Edge readying himself for the spear - but
Venis sidesteps it and Edge hits the corner post. Venis with the
fishermanplex - and the pin. (3:41) Edge gets THE STICK. Handshake, hug.
"Hey Val, Val - you may have been the best man tonight, but you will not be
the best man at your sister's wedding. The reason why - is 'cause
Christian will be." Venis is cool with that, apparently. Umm...so what
was the point of THAT?
X-Pac tries to make peace between the arguing Outlaws - Ass says "You got
lucky! You find your own ride home!"
And now, the WWF Slam-of-the-Week, presented by 1-800-COL-LECT! From
SmackDown! last Thursday, Jericho runs his mouth - and ultimately pays the
price - as Chyna refuses to tag in a match against the Holly cousins.
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO & THAT SLUT CHYNA (with Ernest Miller) v. HOLLYS (with
Scale Holly, RAW credits, and TV-14-DLV ratings box) - An entire row
carries "RAW is JERICHO" signs - pretty cool. When WAS the last time Kat
defended HER title? I only say this 'cause that wasn't a bad
Ivory/Jacqueline match on Metal over the weekend. Jericho wants to pose
with the belt but Chyna won't fork it over. Jericho demurs - he's awfully
agreeable tonight. Jericho dallies, and subsequently blows his chance to
use the mic. No, wait, he gets the mic after the Hollys' entrance. "You
got one thing - Welcome to RAW is Jericho! But like I said Chyna, earlier,
we are gonna absolutely DESTROY THESE two morons! But I also wanna point
out, isn't it weird how you came down with the Intercontinental
championship belt, but I still got a much, MUCH bigger response from all
these Jerichoholics tonight? It's kinda weird, huh? But don't worry about
it - onward to victory! It's you and me, come on, tonight!" What a lovely
shade of sparkly eye shadow for Chyna tonight. Here's the opening bell
right at the top of the hour. Lockup, Jericho and Hardcore, to the
ropes, off the ropes, shoulderblock by Holly. Back and forth we go, over,
flying jalapeno by Jericho. Knife-edge chops, off the ropes, bulldog.
Tag! Off the ropes, double backdrop - while Jericho gets Chyna to admit
that was pretty nice, Crash is tagged it. Jericho successfully wanrs her,
Chyna ducks and Crash runs into a Jericho right, then turns back into a
Chyna clothesline. Clubbing forearm, another, off the ropes, back elbow,
right, right, off the ropes, big clothesline, off the ropes, blind tag by
Hardcore, Crash whips her into Hardcore who holds her up as Crash comes off
the ropes with a clothesline into a Hardcore spinebuster for 2. Hardcore
working over Chyna in the corner - tag to Crash. He's going airborne! -
but lands on a knee in the graun. Jericho looking for the tag - but just
when Chyna reaches him, Jericho turns to the crowd and leads them in
cheers. Unfortunately, Hardcore is over to pull Chyna away just as Jericho
turns back. One falcon arrow (or, if you're Ross, "vertical suplex")
later, we have a pin. (2:48) Jericho, who managed to appropriate the
intercontinental title belt, says to the camera "Sorry Chyna...oh well,
better luck next time, sister!" Jericho points to his head as if to
indicate that he's really smart. Well, he DID walk out with the title
Mankind pours hot coffee on the fake Mankind and makes his cry.
Meanwhile, X-Pac asks Hunter if he's ready to do this thing. "Remember
what you said about me?" "What, being every bit as good as me? "Well, I
hope you meant it, man - 'cause I'm gonna prove it to you out there." "I
did mean it...that's the problem..."
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli,
1-800-CALL-ATT, and M&M's! Wait...wasn't M&M's kowtowing to the PTC a
X-PAC (with RAW is brought to you by) v. TREBLE H (with Stephanie
McMahon-Helmsley) in a nontitle bout - Lockup, chain wrestling, reversal,
to the ropes, X-Pac gives a clean break. Tie up, to the corner, reversed,
reversed again, clean break? Nope, H shoves referee "Blind" Mike Chioda
away and stomps away on X-Pac. Blatant choke. Off the ropes, duck,
spinning heel kick by X-Pac. Off the ropes, reversed, duck, another
spinning heel kick. Clothesline takes the Champ over the top rope to the
floor. Baseball slide dropkick. X-Pac outside, knife-edge chop, again,
repeat. Helmsley manages to flapjack X-Pac onto the commentary table.
There's the head to the STEEL steps. Hunter rolls back in and it's time
for 1-800-COLL-ECT to give us a Double Feature of a spinning heel kick.
X-Pac with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right,
Helmsley with a knee, off the ropes, reveresed, head down, Helmsley busts
out the facebuster - so to speak. Going for the Pedigree, X-Pac manages a
Golota to break that up. Helmsley runs into ANOTHER spinning heel kick.
In the corner, X-Pac hits his trademark series of kicks (kick, kick,
jumping kick), and now there's the broncobuster! X-Pac climbging the ropes
- but Stephanie is up and pulling away the leg. Owch. Pedigree and
that'll do it. 1, 2, 3. (3:13) Here's a replay - which X-Pac must have
seen on the EntertainmentTron. How will DX regroup for tonight's big
"The Rock Says..." autographed copy and T-shirt! $44.95 through the Shop
Zone! Wotta steal! Wait, they did this with Mankind's book, didn't they?
Man, stealing from yourself - that's just cold.
Moments Ago - did Ross just say "X-Pac's manhood just exploded" or
was I imagining it? By the way, that's a nice miniskirt.
The Outlaws (when did they make up?) tell X-Pac that Stephanie is Yoko Ono
- or something
1-800-COL-LECT bring you the 2000 Royal Rumble!
TOO COOL & RIKISHI PHATU (with the Royal Rumble is brought to you by - CRZ
2, Ray 0) v. HEAD BANGERS & AL SNOW (with Head and no entrance) - Mosh
jumps Sexay at the bell. Kicking in the corner, hard whip into the
opposite corner, but he runs into a superkick - Mosh with a back suplex as
Snow runs over to the enemy corner for no apparent reason. Did Ross just
say "he just jerked off Scotty 2 Hotty" or was I imagining it? Is Ross
DRUNK or something? Tag to Thrasher, Snow joins them and there's a brief
doubleteam on Christopher. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long restores order.
Quick tags. Snow with a lariat off the whip. Quick tag to Thrasher as the
1-800-COL-LECT Double Feature shows us Mosh shaking the rump of Rikishi.
Thrasher with the open shots as Scotty 2 Hotty tries to lead the crowd in
some American Males clapping. Irish whip into the opposite corner is
reversed, Sexay with a powerslam. Both men down - tag to Mosh - HOT TAG TO
RIKISHI! Right hand for Mosh! Superkick! Belly-to-belly for Thrasher!
All six men in the ring now - Rikishi setting him up - Banzai splash on
Thrasher - and now a sitout piledriver for Mosh. Mosh (the legal man,
even!) is pinned (2:21) and if you know anything at all about this show,
you'd know that NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! But first, we
take a look outside ther ring where Snow puts Head to his now ex-partners.
Perhaps there are a few more tag teams he can piss off? Ross forces a
laugh as the dancing continues...
Mankind asks faux-Mankind if he's learned his lesson yet - he wouldn't want
to have to force him to watch an hour of Al Snow matches! Yuk yuk yuk!
WWF New York ad
Mankind's untied the faux-Mankind but he wants him to stay in the room.
Think this'll have a payoff? Prob'ly not
GODFATHER & D'LO BROWN (with eight - no, four ho's) v. NO LIMIT DUDLEY BOYZ
- now that ho-train.com IS one funny
site, Darien. The Dudleyz interrupt Godfather's call and response - a sure
way to get the boos from the crowd. Wait, I meant to say "heel heat."
Forgive me. Ring is rushed and it's on - D'Lo dumps D-Von while Godfather
hits a hiptoss on Buh-Buh Ray. Big clothesline. Tag to Brown - into the
ropes, double back elbow. Side kick by Brown - scoop - and a slam -
standing flourished legdrop - MISSES! Dudley with the gutshot, and the
powerbomb - Konnan-esque roll into a cheap shot for the Godfather,
distracting referee "Always in these matches" Tim White just long enough
for D-Von's "head butt to the graun" spot. Right hand from D-Von. Off the
ropes, fivearm. "Who's the man?" Stomp, nice snap suplex. Leg is
hooked - 1, 2, nope. Head to the buckle, punch, tag, open shot, gunshot
slap from Buh-Buh Ray - off the ropes, Brown ducks and manages a
Whateverbomb. Which man will make the tag? Tag to D-Von, HOT TAG TO
GODFATHA! He's on fire don'tcha know - like a house! Culmination of
events means it's time once again for everybody to watch the Ho Train! Tag
to D'Lo - but before he can come off the top rope, Buh-Buh Ray pulls his
brother to the floor - and safety. Each man grabs a ho and walks up the
ramp for good measure! Now Godfather and D'Lo are over 'cause, dammit,
those women are THEIR property! Err, that's probably a poor choice of
words - oh well. Anyway, the bell rings (DCOR? No contest? 3:14) and
after the wayward ho's are shepherded, all the good guys are back in the
ring and the Godfather's music plays, because NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS
WHEN...oh, sorry. Right joke, wrong match.
Mankind approaches Tori in the hall. "Tori! Tori! It's Mick. Hey, I've
been looking for you all night. Listen, we don't get a chance to talk like
we used to, so I'd like to take the opportunity now to tell you how much I
really admire your sweaty, heaving, voluptuous breasts, and I know you've
heard I'm a good kisser, but in addition to that talent, I've comprise a
list of about seventeen other things I'd really like to do to those bad
boys. So, if you wanna go over that list, I'll be in my dressing room all
right?" Then he slaps her on the ass! "Just in case you forgot - it's
dressing room #3 - number three, okay? Bring a friend, there's plenty of
Mankind to go around! Yeah!" Tori, of course, has been converted into a
fish out of water with her mouth flapping as if gasping for air. She runs
off...hey, you know? I think I was wrong about that lack of payoff. I'm
sorry. If you haven't figured out what's about to happen, you probably
think "Wheel of Fortune" is challenging, too, but I'm not gonna spoil it
for you - we'll probably find out together after this short break
WCW Souled Out hyped in the local slot
Here's an exterior of the rather opulent Kiel Center.
We take a look at the faux-Mankind. Did Ross just give away the ending?
He MUST be drunk!
Now we take a look at Tori and Kane striding with purpose towards dressing
room 3. Kane busts in on...you guessed it - faux-Mankind. Then he
demolishes him, throwing him all over the dressing room and into the hall,
then into a nearby stairwell. Ross: "Mick Foley's a genius!" Oh, sure,
ruin it for me by using two camera angles in this stairwell. Oh, wait,
maybe Mankind deliberately set up having these cameras here KNOWING this
would happen - after all, he's a genius! STEEL pipe shot misses and
"Mankind" heads for the hills, after exiting the building.
Triple H tries to rally the troops. "We've gotta stick together!" "We've
gotta *stick together?*" Road Dogg says "Okay, we'll stick together.
Yeah. That's what we'll do. We'll stick together." You know, I'm
beginning to get the feeling that the Outlaws and X-Pac - they're gonna
TEST & WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. BIG BOSSMAN & PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN - I
believe the commentators just gave me the impression that Big Show is in
the Rumble! Bad guys storm the ring and fail to have any sort of
meaningful offense whatsoever. Say, I wonder if the Mean Street Posse will
run out and render this match meaningless. Oops, it's over. Never mind.
(Test top-rope elbow -> pin Albert :55) Bossman comes in and Albert takes
umbrage at the inadvertant nightstick shot (just PRETEND I mentioned it two
sentences ago, okay?) - but before these two can further work their
continuing lover's spat angle (WHEN RUNNING BUDDIES COLLIDE!), Show is back
in - and there's ahhhhhTHEDOUBLECHOKESLAAAAAAM, which unfortunately isn't
well-done enough to get the replay - no, that's reserved for the Savage
elbow by Test, instead. See, Bossman JUST BARELY got off the ground, so...
Triple H and Stephanie leave the dressing room
The Acolytes are WALKING!
Mankind is WALKING!
The Rock is WALKING!
Roger Corman is SPINNING! (in his grave - wait - he's dead, right?)
Mankind eats ravioli in Manhattan
D-GENERATION X (with Stephanie Ono) v. ACOLYTES & ROCK AND SOCK CONNECTION
- DX comes out fairly well separated and far behind Triple H. DX scatters
when the Acolytes comes out. Shouldn't Mankind still be worried about Kane
coming after him? Did Billy Gunn just mouth "fuck off" to Mankind in the
camera's presence? As Rock poses, let's take a look at the Rock in NYC
signing books at Tower Books - let's embarrass one of the Rock's fans by
showing her nearly fainting in the Rock's presence. Helmsley offers a hand
to Dogg - nope - X-Pac - nope - high 5 for Ass - nope. Kiss from
Stephanie? YES! THEIR LIPS MET FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS! THE SPARK IS
STILL THERE! Umm, WHY am I screaming? Rock and Ass gonna start here. Bad
mouth exchanged. Crowd is rabid - well, those that are currently on TV,
anyway. "Hey! I'm on TV!" "Rock E" chant starts as the match finally
kicks off and gets underway as it's the Rock with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" and it's all downhill from here. Punch!
Kick! Rock can do it all! Into the corner, Gunn manages a neckbreaker to
stop the onslaught. Gunn says "I, too, can punch and kick - and also
stomp" and proceeds with a demonsration as the picture goes out.
Amazingly, this match is about the same even as a black screen. Gunn with
three rights, running the face along the ropes. This guy's the next Bret
Hart! Just kidding. Off the ropes, reverse, duck, duck, Samoan Drop.
Dogg in - spinebuster. Gunn falls to Rock Bottom, but X-Pac makes a save at
2. Rock clears the ring of X-Pac with a clothesline, gives a shot to the
other two DX'ers in the corner, and then tags in Bradshaw. Bradshaw takes
Gunn to the corner, but then manages to get his face raked so Dogg can be
tagged in. Bradshaw on Dogg as he comes in - off the ropes, Dogg with a
flying jalapeno. Off the ropes, reverese, head down, kick from the Dogg.
Off the ropes again, Bradhsaw hits a big boot. Bradshaw off the ropes, but
the elbowdrop misses. Tag to X-Pac, who (surprise) doesn't fare much
better against the big man. Hard into the corner - follow charge misses,
and X-Pac hits his three kicks(tm), off the ropes, duck, Bradshaw catches
him and there's a fine fallaway slam. Tag to Faarooq. Open shot, Faarooq
pounding away, headbutt, 2. Ross says Triple H hasn't tagged in, but, duh,
Mankind hasn't either, so what does THAT mean. Off the ropes, duck,
spinning heel kick by X-Pac. Irish whip into the corner is reveresed, big
backbreaker by Faarooq for 2. Into Rock's boot, tag to the Rock. He
punches! He kicks! He takes his head to the turnbuckle! He tags to
Faarooq! Faarooq is the man (so hit your knees and start praying) as he
blatantly chops his crotch in X-Pac's general direction. That reminds me -
we haven't seen Mae Young all night - THANK YOU! X-Pac wriggles free from
the Dominator attempt, hits a gutshot, and manages a DDT. Tag to Triple H
- hot tag to Mankind! Punch! Punch! Punch! In the corner - Twenty
punches! (No I WASN'T gonna type it twenty times, silly) Running knee!
FLAIR FLOP! Mankind ready and on him - there's a - punch! Off the ropes,
Triple H pulls out the facebuster. Looking to tag - but as he approaches
his corner - all three men back off and hit the floor. Mankind's back over
and got him by the schnozz. Punching away. Eyepoke by Triple H. Now
looking for a tag - and rather throwing a tantrum about it as they refuse!
In fact, they're walking away! Triple H once again taken down by
Mankind as the Acolytes and the Rock meet the other three on the
stage...and then brawl back behind the curtain. Mankid ducks a punch,
gutshot, double-arm DDT! Mankind motions for the sock as Stephanie finds
her way over to Mankind's ankle. Mankind pulls Stephanie up on the apron
by the hair - but before he can stick the sock in HER gullet, H is over and
unleashes a series of - yes - punches. Triple H over to the outside to
check on his wife - give us a hug. H directs Tim White over to check on
Stephanie while he heads over to Mankind and runs his head into the STEEL
steps, then the commentary table. And, what the hell, use the bell (thanks
Bobby!) 1-800-COL-LECT provides the Double Feature as TRiple H goes back
over to the commentary table and works over Mankind. Pedigree on the
table? YES! Everybody tumbles - here's a 1-800-COL-LECT double feature
and Mankind's busted wide open. Back in the ring, gutshot, Pedigree. I
can't believe White didn't call for the DQ, but here he is nonetheless -
counting down a 1, 2, 3. Triple H wins. (10:25) Punches for Mankind,
White taken out with a punch, H continuing to punch away. Mankind comes
back with a clothesline - the mask is off! Right, right, right, right, H
goes down. H thrown through the ropes - Mankind has the STEEL steps and
there's a WICKED shot to Helmsley. Mankind with the remains of the
commentary table to H's head - then, after setting it up against the ring,
there's a hairpull takeover into the table top, which breaks it. Did you
see a "bang bang?" Helmsley tries using the table top remains on Mankind,
but it has no effect. Right hand. Ross proclaims it a Pier Six brawl - I
only count Pier Two, but why quibble? In the ring, clothesline takes
Helmsley out of the ring. Triple H is now announced the winner, and as he
backs up the ramp, he looks like he's seen a ghost. We look back in the
other direction - but all we see is a badly bleeding Mick Foley and the War
Zone credits - can we learn anything from the expression on HIS face? Not
tonight - this show is OVER!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman