by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
IRON CHEF SPOILER: The Iron Chef ITALIAN loses to the Iron Chef CHINESE.
(Wonder how many people I just pissed off with THAT tidbit.) Watching
this show on KTSF is a bit like watching puroresu for me - I generally
have NO CLUE what the HELL is going on because everybody but me is
speaking a particular language. Sure, I can still make out some
wrestling/cooking moves, and probably would do a lot better if I stuck
with it and adapted, but... Still, it's good to have on the TV when there
isn't anything ELSE on (and really, if you're stuck at home on call at 8pm
on a Saturday, what else you gonna watch? And don't say "rent a movie,
dumbass" because I ain't LEAVING this apartment, baby!)
RADIO WWF RETURNS: Catch the Royal Rumble preview show on the Ticket 1050
- or if you can't pull in KTCT, listen LIVE on the web! Write down this
link for later... http://www.broadcast.com/radio/Sports/KTCT/
Remember, Michael Cole is COUNTING on your support!
WXO: Since NOT A GOTT DAMN PERSON on this site has talked about it yet,
I'm gonna take it upon myself to break the SCOOPS monopoly on WXO stuff by
filing a TV report Wednesday. So come back tomorrow for more CRZ! With
any luck (and if KBWB cooperates with me), I'll try out the WXO hour over
the weekends and write some recaps. Just to prove that I can, mostly -
thanks for asking that in your head just now.
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 14 13/16 (- 13/64)
TONIGHT: With the "Miss Royal Rumble" swimsuit competition only six days
away, why NOT have a sneak preview tonight? That's right, six women and
TWELVE breasts! Cactus Jack is in the house! And NO matches announced
before the show! Because WE know what YOU want to see and on that big
list, WRESTLING comes in down around FIFTH!
Vince McMahon narrates the same Martin Luther King tribute they
played last year. Not that there's anything wrong with that - I'M just
bitter that I didn't get the day off like almost everybody else around
here. Long live the dream!
TV-14-DLV Tonight, an exclusive report on Stone Cold Steve Austin's
surgery! The breaking of glass means that NOW you mustn't DARE change that
So important, they announced it before One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
LAST WEEK: Before our very eyes, Mankind transformed...into Cactus Jack -
Opening Credits and Closed Captioned Logo
SPARKLY PYRO and LIVENESS ensues because from the New Haven Colesium in New
Haven, CT 17.1.2K, RAW IS WAR on USA, on TSN and on this fine website!
CACTUS JACK is gonna kick off the interview section of the show with a
bang(bang). "First off, I believe congratulations are in order for Triple
H - because he did something I believed could not be done. You see, he
made Mankind mad. And the question is, Triple H, why? He was friendly -
he was funny - he was downright huggable, but you shoulda known somewhere
deep down in his twisted soul, there was a sick SOB waiting to be woken up!
And you know what you did, Triple H? You woke up the SOB. When you
cracked me over the head with that ring bell, remember it well, remember it
well! And when I felt that warm blood trickle down my face, I'd be lying
if I said I didn't like it JUST a little bit! Because it was at that time
that I realised who deep down I had been all along - Cactus Jack! And oh,
Triple H - you should remember Cactus Jack, and if you don't, well I'd like
you to pull up a seat and look at the TV monitor, because I"ve got one hell
of a reminder of two and a half years ago, the man they said did not look
like a star, the man they said was not cut out for the WWF rocked Madison
Square Garden, and he rocked your world!" Let Us Take You Back to
September 1997 and Cactus Jack's return agains Hunter Hearst Helmsley.
"Entering the hallowed halls - the same MSG I went to as a child, and you
paid the price! You paid the price, Triple H, and you will pay again!
How'd it feel, Triple H, knowing that I will make you suffer - that I will
give you pain - that 1997 was just a little inkling of what I have in store
for you. And I'll be upright, and I'll be honest - Mick Foley, Cactus
Jack, Mankind, they took a hell of a beating for a hell of a long time, and
there is no way that a normal man should still be walking around after the
punishment that's been dished out, and therein lies the secret, because I
sure as hell am not a normal man. You see, I spent most of the last year
worrying about the fact that I was not the man that I used to be, asking
forgiveness from the fans, and you know what? The fans forgave me -
because Mankind became one entertaining son of a gun. And I don't look
down on Mankind, and there will be a day when he returns, and he will all
make us laugh, but this Sunday will not be that day because there will be
no laughter. You see, Triple H, in Madison Square Garden at the Royal
Rumble, I am not going to pretend that I am the man I used to be - I'm
going to be just a little bit better - and I don't regret a single night in
the ten dollar motels. I do not regret a single freezing night in the back
of a '78 Ford Fairmont. I do not regreat my wounds sticking to the sheets.
I do not regret the ear that was cut off from my head and thrown out in the
garbage can. Because it's all those things, Triple H, that made me what I
am, and what I am is one bad son of a bitch! And this Sunday night, what I
will be is one MAD son of a bitch (beeeeeeeep) out on your ass! So when I
sit backstage and I get goosebumps up and down my arms, and I lace up those
leopard-skin boots, it's not just a change in outfit, it's a change in
mindset that says I will not be denied, and I will make you suffer! So I
will take those leopard-skin boots, I'll lace up the boots, and I will do
with those boots what they weren't meant to do - I will kick your pansy
little ass! And don't get me wrong, I can't wait 'til MSG, just six days
away, and I can't wait for my shot at what I feel is rightfully mine, the
WWF Championship, but all that I want right now, is just a little piece of
your ass right away. So Triple H, if you've got the testicular fortitude
(and that is a big if) come down here right now in New Haven, Connecticut.
No titles on the line, just you and me, and that's all, so bring it, and
bring it NOW!" The music plays, and here comes TREBLE H, alone. The crowd
wraps themselves up in chanting "asshole" soon enough. "Cactus Jack. The
myth - the legend. You know, for four days now I've thought about nothing
else but Cactus Jack. You know, at the Rumble, it's gonna be you and me
for the WWF title, in a street fight. Now I have to admit, that wouldn't
have been my first choice of matches with you - that match was made under
duress - ["asshole, asshole"] - BUT be that as it may, a street fight it
shall be. Cactus Jack and The Game will pull out all the stops - with THE
most precious title there is on the line. But, as you stand in that ring,
and you try to convince yourself and these people just how bad you really
are...I'm gonna let you in on a secret. Because as sadistic as you can be
at the Rumble, I will reach down to a place that I have never been in my
life, and be THAT much more sadistic, be THAT much more twisted, be THAT -
MUCH - MORE - EVIL - than you could EVER imagine you could be - in your
life! The other half of that secret is...that as sadistic as you are, I've
figured something out. I have figured out that while Cactus Jack might be
a sadistic sonofabitch...Mick Foley hates his damn guts. As a matter of
fact, I have a feeling Mick Foley might even be a little afraid of Cactus
Jack. Every time you have maimed somebody, every time you have crippled,
every time you have been as sadistic as you could be, Mick Foley dies a
little bit inside because he can't stand you. Well, the difference between
you and me is, when I get to that level - when I get that sadistic, when I
get that sick, when I get that twisted, I will LOVE EVERY DAMN SECOND OF
IT. So Mick Foley, at the Royal Rumble, you bring Cactus Jack - and you be
scared - you be afraid - you be VERY afraid - because what I am bringing is
gonna be more than you ever dreamed of, and it is gonna be more than you
could ever handle." "Well, Triple H, that's real good, and you keep trying
to fill yourself with that false confidence but I got a question concering
tonight, and twenty thousand fans in this arena...and millions
around the world...who wanna see you - and me - right about... NOW." "Let
me tell you what - if you're askin' me to walk down to that ring and party
with your sick ass...I would LOVE TO." H removes his jacket and walks down
the ramp - and then stops. "But I'll tell you what, let's invite a few
more guests to the party." Break it down! The rest of DX walks to the
ring and all four men strike. Guess what? Run the numbers - the one can't
beat the four! Crowd tries chanting "Rock E" ...well, turns out they're
right. LA ROCA runs to the ring...but before he gets in the ring, WELL,
IT'S THE BIG SHOW - Rock is prevented from getting in the ring when Show
pulls him out - headbutt! Rock taken to the post, and he flies over the
barricade, and now the Big Show is in the ring attacking DX! Cactus Jack
alone with Triple H while the other three work over the Big Show - and now
the ACOLYTES are also out (to their theme), in the ring and attacking the
Outlaws! Slowly but surely, everybody ends up over the barricade and
brawling away. Cactus Jack comes back to the ring as his music plays.
Rock has found his way back over the barricade to the floor outside the
ring and wondering what the heck just happened. Maybe Rock'll get to see a
replay just after this break! Bangbang!
"Moments Ago" footage shows DX rushing...ah, hell, just go reread the above.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Cactus Jack
has a lot of friends, we are told.
BIG BOSSMAN v. TEST for the Hardcore Championship - wow, when was the last
defense of THIS title? (That question was rhetorical.) Let Us Take You
Back to SmackDown! where Bossman and Prince Albert pretty much dissolved
THEIR relationship. Test is not only the opponent, but also the
challenger! Thanks, Lilian! The mysterious Orangeness and 13--ness
interrupts Test's entrance as the disembodied voice of Taz once again says
"the world is about to change - survive - you can't stop the path of rage."
Meanwhile, the match has already started. Test ducks a nightstick and puts
Bossman into the ringpost, then grabs the nightstick and Golotas him with
it. Bossman takes Test over the barricade, and they both go. Now they're
walking - they're walking - backstage we go - Bossman takes Test under the
stands - Bossman with a big stick - takes out the light so we can't see
that they're missing. Now througuh the tunnel to the backstage area.
Brass knux on the right hand of Bossman, right, right, Test's head knocked
into a timecard board. I guess he's got some "blood" under his nose, now.
Now we're in a bathroom! Hooray! Bossman run into a stall door. Test
stops to make a "funny" comment on the smell of some guy's dump, allowing
Bossman to take advantage of the distraction. And by "funny," I mean
"unintelligible." Test taken into a wall - now hit against a large wooden
thing - now Bossman closing a metal door on his throat. For some reason,
Chioda doesn't count three even though his shoulders are CLEARLY down.
Bossman lets up the door and covers - and NOW there's a count - but only 2.
Bossman argues the count - and Test pops up and fires back. Test
throttling Bossman with his own arm bandage. Now they're walking back to
the ring - but Bossman shakes him off and picks up a garbage can on his way
back. BOOM! PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN is out - Bossman conks HIS noggin with
the can as well. Another for Test. In the ring - feet on the ropes -
cover - 1, 2, nope! Albert in the ring - Uppercut, uppercut, now they're
trading blows. Test with the nightstick to Bossman, and as he and Albert
doubleteam Bossman, Test decides to whack *Albert* as well. Bodyslam -
Test to the top rope - nightstick elbow! 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a new hardcore champion. He's also got a blood mustache. (4:15)
Back in the office, Stephanie says that this isn't last week - and DX
*will* be respected. Triple H says yeah, tonight the Outlaws will take on
the Rock and the Big Show in a tag team match - that is, if they don't beat
each OTHER up first. He and X-Pac will take on the Acolytes. X-Pac
protests (as you might imagine), but Stephanie and Triple H once again ask
him to put some trust in them.
Terri fluffs up her headlights, and shows off her ribs. I *guess* that'll
make me stay tuned. I mean, TWIST MY ARM.
Here's a replay of that top-rope nightstick.
JONATHAN COACHMAN is backstage with the Big Bossman - Prince Albert stuck
his nose in his business, and nobody does that, and man, he's vowing some
revenge, yeah buddy.
THA GODFATHA & D'LO BROWN (with six - no, three ladies) v. EDGE & CHRISTIAN
- Quick, somebody tell Herb that the Godfather is out before 10PM!!!!!!!!!
Brown and Christian start. Lockup, knee from Brown, right, kick, opposite
corner whip, up and over, Christian kicks, right, right, opposite corner,
block, neckbreaker attempt, reversal, off the ropes, hiptoss from
Christian, dropkick, arm wringer, tag, Edge with a kick, right, off the
ropes, reversed, duck, spinning heel kick from Edge, clothesline, reversal,
into the gut, right, tag, off the ropes, hiptoss blocked, hiptoss blocked
the other way, clothesline by the Godfather, stomping away, off the ropes,
big boot, elbowdrop, another, is this the longest string of commas EVER?,
cover, 2. Kicking away in the corner, tag to D'Lo, kicking continues.
Right. Right again. Off the ropes, duck, Thesz press by Edge - but only
2. Brown with a right, right, tag, open shot, clubbing blow, scoop - and a
slam, second rope Vaderbomb coming up - but he finds the knees instead.
Christian reaching for the tag - both men make the tag. Christian ducks,
atomic drop, clothesline, 1, 2, nope. Off the ropes, biiiig back body
drop, Godfather in, double team, off the ropes, into an Edge spear. Brown
tries to surprise Christian as one of the women get on the apron.
Christian tries to whip Brown into the ropes, but it's reversed and he
collides with the ho, sending her to the floor. Off the ropes, Christian
with a dropkick - as he reaches for the tag - Edge isn't there. Turns out
he went over to check if young lady was okay. Brown catches Christian in
the Sky-Hi for the pin. (3:52) After the match, Godfather says he and
"D'Lite" ain't playa hatas, and since he's chronic-ly in a good mood, they
can have the ho's ALL NIGHT LONG. Only problem is...Edge is engaged to Val
Venis' sister. The ho's don't seem to care much about this, taking Edge up
the ramp - and leaving Christian behind. Edge protests all the way back.
Christian, of course, isn't too happy in the first place about taking the
loss when his partner wasn't where he needed him to be, but NOW - man, to
take all the women and leave him with NOTHING...we just may hear more about
MICHAEL KING COLE stands with a cel phone - apparently, he's in San Antonio
via satellite and will file the report later tonight.
Meanwhile, Bossman and Albert are doing their thing hardcore style. Albert
ends up thrown into a dressing room, where he hears a scream - then he
takes off - Tori appears topless but with a towel. Albert crawls off as
quick as he can, 'cause he KNOWS what'll happen with Tori in there! And
so, dear reader, do you and I...
The 1-800-COL-LECT Slam-of-the-Week is Cactus Jack's apron-to-the-floor
chairshot onto faux Mankind.
OLYPMIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, PRESIDENT OF THE CHESS
CLUB, HOMECOMING KING AND FUTURE FARMER OF AMERICA KURT ANGLE v. ? - At the
Royal Rumble, Angle will take on a mystery opponent - aren't you curious
enough to shell out some hard-earned cash for the PPV NOW? Back in the
office, we hear that Triple H has a surprise for Stephanie. With a knock
at the door, Steph asks "Is that it?" No - that's Tori. She sputters,
"That - Prince Albert - just - a match - " Stephanie says a Kane/Prince
Albert match, you got it. Back to the ring. "Now - I have been told that
tonight - tonight I have a mystery opponent. Now I'm not sure who it is,
but I am confident (as an Olympic hero) that I will come out on top BECAUSE
I know each and every wrestler backstage like the back of my hand. So I
know, that with my three I's - that's right, intensity, integrity and
intelligence - *I* will come out on top." Of course, the mystery opponent
is STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh), which is supposed to be bad,
because Blackman won't interfere on Angle's behalf in this match. Now, I
know what you're thinking. "Hey! Can't Blackman just LAY DOWN for Angle?"
No, no, my friend. You see, Blackman is a COMPETITOR. Blackman is a
FIGHTER. Blackman - Steve Blackman - is the Lethal Weapon. This'll be a
barnburner. First let's cut back to Stephanie to see her express
indignancy (is that a word?) to her husband. Angle draws first blood with
some punches in the corner. Off the ropes, duck, Blackman with a kick,
chop, kick, stomp, stomp - all those kicks are different, trust me.
Chop, right, off the ropes, slides under, roundhouse kick misses and Angle
hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Head to the buckle, right, right, right,
right, standing on the neck. Hey, referee "Blind" Jack Doan is back! Is
he back for GOOD or is this just a hometown thing? "Ang Gull Sux" chant
from the masses. Punches from Angle - attempt at a throw is blocked, off
the ropes, and they collide. Punches traded, Blackman ducks a clothesline
and hits his patented missile shoulderblock. Clothesline from *Blackman*
takes Angle over the top rope. Knife-edge chop as Blackman meets him
outside. Whip into the post is reversed, and Blackman takes the brunt.
You know, I was just thinking, this could be a main event in ANY arena in
the country! Whoa, BRITISH BULLDOG is out! He's got the kendo stick -
groin shot - stick across the back. Angle quickly runs over and covers -
1, 2, 3. (2:18) Backstage, Stephanie again gloats about Angle being
undefeated, while Triple H makes the gas face.
Coach stands with the Big Show. What he did to Rocky was personal, but it
was nothing against the fans - he still respects them, as he hopes they
respect him. He mispronounced "rapport," I believe. He's not a jabrone,
and he's not gonna let the Rock call him that. Also, he's gonna win the
Royal Rumble - and then at WrestleMania, the WWF title. Tonight, he'll
take care of the Outlaws and all Rocky needs to do is stay out of his way.
Show pats Coach's cheek and you can actually see his ENTIRE face disappear
beneath that paw.
Kat sensuously massages her thigh...I'm thinking about sensuously massaging
parts of MY body. Oh, COME ON - that's a pretty good line!
Coming up: we'll talk about Austin! Don't even think of missing it!
Jerry Lawler stands in the ring with MOST OF THE WOMEN of the WWF. Sunday,
we'll have the "Miss Royal Rumble swimsuit competition." He asks Terri how
she can top the RAW Magazine centerfold (visual aid here) - she says "Less
is more." Kat: "What sort of strategy do I need? Have you forgotten
Armageddon?" I feel I should point out the "Va-Chyna" T-shirt Kat is
wearing. Huh. BB: "I'm quite sure the fans are ready to see a much BIGGER
show?" Ivory: "Jerry, you are a pervert!" "Yeah, and your point is?"
"You're ALL perverts You're ALL just a bunch of perverts! And I am not
gonna have anything to do with this bikini contest, stupid T&A smut show--"
Jacqueline and Luna commandeer the mic and say if THEY'VE gotta be a part
of this, then she will too. Look at Luna and Jackie trying to get over as
wrestlers during this bit - and LAUGH and laugh and laugh. Suddenly,
Ivory's dress is ripped off and the brawl is on. Dogpile on Ivory! BB
wearing the EMT getup. Kat carrying the Women's title. There's just so
much to make fun of here! Somehow, BB's top is opened (natch). Lookit
Terri's NIPPLES! Anyway, MAE YOUNG is out on the ramp as Moolah's music
plays. She regards all this with some amusement as the REFS & OFFICIALS
come out to attempt to restore order (and while Lawler encourages them NOT
to make the attempt). Hey, Steve Lombardi putting in an appearence as an
official! And, I think another ref I don't recognise...hmm. Anyway, Young
climbs in the ring after it's emptied of all but the King. "It's about
time that everybody can see what they - get their money's worth! And now,
to my fans...to my fans, I'm going to let you see ...MY ...PUPPIES!"
Lawler says NOBODY wants to see that - "The Stripper" starts up and off
comes the top, revealing a slip. Only the timely intervention of SEXUAL
CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY, HARVEY WIPPLEMAN and FABULOUS MOOLAH prevents the
removal of any more of Young's clothing. But boy, you haven't LIVED until
you've seen Mae Young doing that ol' pelvic thrust! Ross warns us about
Sunday's contest: "Buyer beware." Is that a code word for "somebody might
take their top off and we'll have to apologise for it on Monday?"
Ivory RULES, by the way.
The Acolytes - are - you know - WALKING!
Triple H, X-Pac and Stephanie - are - gotta say it - WALKING!
The WWF Rumble Royale is LIVE THIS SUNDAY!
1-800-COL-LECT proudly sponsors the 2000 Royal Rumble
TREBLE H & X-PAC (with Stephanie Ono & the PPV is brought to you by)
v. ACOLYTES - Are you ready? Once again the DX mates come out to the DX
theme. Ring is rushed and a Pier Four Brawl erupts as the TV-14-DLV
ratings box reappears. Triple H almost immediatley bounces out and onto
the commentary table. Bradshaw all over H with the chops and the punches.
X-Pac has somehow gotten the better of Faarooq on the other side of the
ring. H taking Bradshaw to the barricade as X-Pac chokes Faarooq with his
shirt in the ring. Kicking away. Whoops, say him look up at the stage.
Meanwhile, Bradshaw slams H on the STEEL stage, then returns to the ring to
turn the tide against X-Pac. Doubleteam is on - this is EXACTLY what X-Pac
was worried about. Oh, Stephanie's on third headset, now let's ignore her.
Open shots on X-Pac as Helmsley makes it back to the ring. Faarooq
charges, X-Pac sidesteps it and hits kick, kick, jumping kick combo. Off
the ropes, X-Pac up and over but Faarooq clotheslines him down. X-Pac's
head meets Bradshaw's boot. Tag. Head to the buckle. Into the opposite
corner, X-Pac sidesteps the charge AGAIN and hits three kicks(tm) AGAIN.
Knife-edge chops, into the ropes, reversed, Bradshaw catches him and places
him on the top turnbuckle. H comes in to keep Bradshaw from hitting the
big move. X-Pac turns around and tries a plancha - Bradshaw catches him
and hits a fallaway slam. Bradshaw tires the clothesline, but X-Pac ducks
and hits a spinning heel kick. Tag to Triple H - tag to Faarooq. Faarooq
all over Triple H, but he puts his head down - there's a facebuster. Off
the ropes, spinebuster from Faarooq. All four men in - X-Pac ducks once,
but not twice. Here come the NEW AGE OUTLAWS. (DQ 3:57) The four get the
upper hand on the two - the Outlaws brought out the tag team titles and
each man gets a face full of belt. Fame'Asser on the belt. Wiggly wobbly
woouly kneedrop on the belt. Triple H with a knee to the graun for good
measure. The DX theme plays and Stephanie takes her leave with Triple H.
Earlier Today, MICHAEL KING COLE filed this news-like report from Methodist
Hospital in San Antonio, Tejas. Dr. Lloyd Youngblood, Austin's surgeon,
says that the problem was bone spurs pressing on his spinal cord - the
surgery to correct the problem took 2.5-3 hours instead of the normal 1-1.5
because he was so muscular - however, he was in stable condition the whole
time. Austin had a very positive attitude, and afterwards, he was feeling
very up about things. Youngblood says we're looking for some solid bone
healing here - and that'll take at least three months - maybe six to twelve
- before Austin can perform without restriction. What Youngblood FAILED to
say was whether or not Austin ever told him if he got a good look at the
driver of that car that ran him down...or not.
The Rock - WATCHES TV!
SmackDown! is coming to San Jose 4 April! And tix are on sale Saturday, 22
DX congratulates themselves on a job well done. "Moments Ago" footage
shows what we just done seen. Oh, I guess we COULD have been
watching the other show. HAhahahahahahahahahahaha Back to real time, H
says if he's glad his surgery went well, but if Austin ever comes back,
that'll happen to him again. The Outlaws promise that tonight, the Rock
and the Big Show will also get a taste.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY talks until the Rock puts up a hand to stop him.
"Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to New Haven. But before the Rock talks
about that, before the Rock talks about anything else, the Brahma bull has
GOT to talk about...the Rattlesnake. Stone Cold Steve Austin, you and the
Rock, we've been through it all! And if the Rock was there with you in
Texas right now, he'd pick up a beer can, give you a toast, and give you an
'aw, hell yeah,' and 'congratulations on a very successful neck surgery!'
Which essentially, Stone Cold, means three things...is #1, you can go
huntin' again, #2 is you can go fishin' again, and #3, you can bring your
ass right back where it belongs right here in the WWF!" Kelly asks Rock if
he'd like to retract his calling the Show a jabrone. "Yes...the Rock DOES
want to retract his statement. The Big Show is NOT a jabrone....but what
the Big Show IS, is a seven foot, five hundred pound, steaming, stinking,
steaming, stinking pile of Grade-A monkey crap! And the Rock says this,
Big Show, did the Rock call you a jabrone? You damn right he did, he
called twenty other a jabrone as well, shut your mouth, and look at the
Rock, read the Rock's lips - jabrone - J-A-B-R-O-N-I-X-Y-Z-A-B-C-oh, it
doesn't MATTER how you spell 'jabrone!' The Rock says this, Big Show, come
Royal Rumble - the Rock's Rumble - the Rock guarandamntees to take his hand
and one, by one, by damn one, over the top rope, the Rock guarandamnteeing
winning the Royal Rumble, the Rock, going to WrestleMania, and going out of
WrestleMania...the People's Champion. And on top of that, the Rock walking
out of WrestleMania without a shadow of a doubt THE BEST DAMN WWF Champion
there ever was....but first things first, Big Show, tonight. Once again,
the Rock, making your monkey ass famous, once again, you teaming up with
the Rock. Once again, you, the Rock's tag team partner. Make no mistake
about it, the Rock does not need you as a tag team partner, the Rock does
not WANT you as a tag team partner. But the Rock says this: you run your
mouth about how it's personal between you and the Great One. Well, the
Rock says, if you wanna do something personal for the Rock, the Walk - the
Rock wants you to do something special. He wants you to stand out on that
apron...and the Rock wants you to do the one impressive thing that you do -
aaauuuooouuaaaauuooauuuououaaaa [chokeslam pantomime]. Jabrone. If ya
smellllllllllalalalalalaalalaalowww...what the Rock...... ... .. .. .. ..
... ... ... .... is cookin'."
Wow! A three hour Mary Kay Letourneau EVENT! Maybe if I commit some
crimes they'll make a movie about ME!
Jericho prepares for his intercontinental title defense tonight. Why's he
got one tonight when at the Royal Rumble there will be a Triple Threat
match between himself, Chyna, and Hardcore Holly for the title? The
commentators are at a loss.
RAW is WAR comes to you via fanchecks.com, Chef Boyardee Overstuffed
Ravioli, and WWF: The Music (Vol. 4 - available at Tower Records)
JEFF HARDY (with Matty Hardy & Nipples and RAW is brought to you by...CRZ
3, Ray 1!!) v. BUH-BUH RAY DUDLEY (with D-Von Dudley) - Dudley rushes the
ring and it's on. Blows exchanged, now more for Buh-Buh Ray. Bionic elbow
from Dudley! Into the opposite corner, Jeff climbs up to the top, spins
off with a...let's call it a corkscrew senton. I dunno. Here's a tornado
bulldog for 2. Dudley goes outside - Hardy runs the ropes and hits a
SOMERSAULT PLANCHA! And NOW the shirt's off! Back in the ring we go - off
the ropes, kick, off the ropes, Dudley turns it into a powerbomb. In the
corner as 1-800-COL-LECT brings us the Double Feature of the bulldog.
Open-handed slap. Another gunshot. "Shut up!" Off the ropes, biiiig back
bodydrop. Straight right. Into the corner - Hardy catches him in a
headscissors takeover. "Full nelson bomb" by Dudley (which didn't look
painful as BOTH men landed on their rumps). Terri on the apron - D-Von
over to grab her - Matt over to defend her honour (heh) - D-Von hits the
steps and Matt tries to followup but gets caught and dropped across the
barricade. Back in the ring, Dudley hits a slam - senton misses, though.
Hangman's neckbreaker by Hardy - he's gonna fly - senton bomb! 1, 2, 3!
(2:46) D-Von is quickly in to get some revenge. Off the ropes, Dudley
Death Drop! Matt is in - and there's ANOTHER 3D, just like that! "ECW"
chant from the crowd? Yow! Buh-Buh Ray finds a table - WOW! Lookit her
nipples! Jeff is placed on the table - Buh-Buh Ray on the second rope -
D-Von putting Matt on Buh-Buh Ray in the headscissors position - Holy shit
- SUPERBOMB ON MATT - THROUGH JEFF - *AND* THE TABLE! What a spot!
Buh-Buh Ray has quite the look on his face now - he's not blinking. Dig
the replay. The refs and officials are out - a little too late...
Hardcore Holly wonders aloud to his cousin what the hell Jericho's
thinking defending the title against Rikishi Phatu tonight? He's just
gonna lose the title and kill off HIS IC shot this Sunday!
Meanwhile, Chyna and Kat have a little girl talk - what's Jericho
thinking taking on this title defense, when all he'll do is lose the title
for BOTH himself AND Chyna? "You know, I think his ego is getting as large
as Rikishi's butt!"
Let Us Take You Back to Last Night on HeAT, where Phatu hit the ol' Banzai
Splash on Rodney.
Local spot hypes the PPV this Sunday by showing last year's Rumble clips.
Last year, Mr. McMahon won the Royal Rumble - what'll happen this year?
Halftime HeAT will once again grace the USA Network on Super Sunday! I
thought I heard somewhere they'd learned their lesson and it WOULD be live
in all timezones this year - hey, you think maybe the USA Network must have
gotten my letter last year?
RIKISHI PHATU (with Too Cool) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO for the
Intercontinental Championship - Phatu sends Too Cool to the back during his
entrance. "Welcome to RAW is JERICHO! And for you two intercontinental
wanna-be's backstage who are wondering WHY I would come to defend this
championship tonight, well the reason is you idiots, that's what honourable
and legendary champions do, and in my eyes, and the eyes of all the
Jerichoholics, *I* am the undisputed Intercontinental champion. And as for
you, Rakasichi Fatu, what you don't know is that *I* am a dancing machine,
and I'll be happy to teach you a couple of my patented moves, like the
Great Caeser's Ghost, or the Electric Banana, but for now, I'm gonna have
to destroy you, AYATOLLAH STYLE." You know why Jericho's the SMARTEST MAN
ALIVE? He always lets you know he's watching the monitor and is aware of
what's going on! I think he's the ONLY guy paying attention to that TV
just like you'n'me. Phatu quickly gains the upper hand - into the corner,
boots up - dropkick. Off the ropes, but Riksihi stops, and drops him.
Outside we go, Rikishi follows. Jericho's head meets the STEEL steps, and
again. Back in the ring we go. Jericho to the top rope, springs off with
a dropkcik. NOW THE SHIRT'S OFF! Jericho tries a pescado, Phatu catches
him and puts his back in the ringpost. Rolled back in the ring, he
follows. Scoop - and a slam. Running out of the corner - big drumstick
drop. 1, 2, NO! Off the ropes, Jericho ducks, flying jalapeno hits
referee "Blind" Chad Patten when Phatu ducks. Belly-to-belly suplex. As
Phatu drags him to the corner, the HOLLYS come out - Phatu absorbs some
punches, then throws some of his own on Hardcore - Samoan drop for Crash.
Samoan Drop for Hardcore. Jericho attacks again - chops away, whip is
reversed, superkick. Motioning to the crowd for the sitout piledriver -
but now THAT SLUT CHYNA & ERNEST MILLER are out. Somehow, that Golota
found it's way betwixt the ample legs of the challenger and finds the mark.
Chyna giving the badmouth to Jericho - shoves are exchanged, Phatu is up
and there's a clothesline for each Co-Intercontinental champion.
BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX FOR CHYNA! Setting her up in the corner for the
Banzai Drop?!? Holly back in with a chair - yeah, you NEED to save that
spot for PPV. Ref somehow manages to spot this interference (DQ 3:26) and
the Hollys work on Phatu until TOO COOL run out - meanwhile, we see that
Jericho managed to walk off with the belt once again. Too Cool whips
Hardcore into a chair, that looked painful. Crash whipped, he ducks and
spins around - not realising that Phatu is behind him. Sitout piledriver
on Crash. Hey, don't think this segment is over yet - because NOW IS THE
TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight when Bossman, apparently in a
pre-meditated plan, threw Prince Albert into a topless Tori's dressing
room. Coming up next - now that we came up with an excuse to have Kane
wrestle Prince Albert, why, Kane's gonna wrestle Prince Albert!
Royal Rumble spot
Ross narrates a "Mary Kay LeTourneau Event" promo - good God man,
how do you SLEEP at night? ("On a mattress full of money - why do you
ask?" "Oh... never mind.")
Cactus Jack tells Big Show he's had some problems with the Rock in the past
too - but they need to work it out and work together against DX. Show
politely thanks him for the advice.
KANE (with Tori) v. PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN - Albert tires to rush the ring
and fails. Stomp, right, right, uppercut, elbow, chop, off the ropes, head
down, kick from Albert, clothesline from Kane. Uppercut, kick, elbow,
right, into the opposite corner, shoulder from Albert to block the charge.
Backstage, we see Big Bossman watching on the monitor and enjoying it.
Uppercut from Albert, bicycle kick, clothesline to take him to the outside.
Kane throats him on the top rope before coming back in - top-rope flying
clothesline. Choke - Albert throws some weak rights, but doesn't break it
- chokeslam - drive through. (1:17) Ross, ever the detective, tells us
"there's a piece missing here with Tori." Albert manages to get the mic
post-match. "Kane - Kane - obviously you like to be dominated by a woman -
and so - do I." What the hell does THAT mean?
Cactus Jack tells the Rock that DX attacks in a pack - he needs to work
together with the Big Show. The Rock says he'll work with the Big Show,
all right - oh yes, he'll work with him REAL good. What's that mean?
We'll find out - right after this short break!
And now, the WWF Rewind, presented by Jackson Hewitt Tax Service - from
SmackDown!, the Big Show refuses to tag in - and later, chokeslams the
Wait a minute. JACKSON HEWITT? How many kids in the 2-11 demo need their
*taxes* prepared, for crying out loud? Somebody get Bob Ryder on this!
NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & LA ROCA in a nontitle match -
Quote me: Dogg rhymes without reason. That's a pretty good line - I wonder
who I stole it from. Hey, I think I'm onto something here! Take a close
look in the ring - right there. Am I imagining things or does senior
referee "Blind" Earl Hebner seem to have more hair NOW than he did the last
time we saw him a few weeks back? Or did he just colour it? I think
there's definitely some different hair action going there. Anyway, to the
match. No sooner does Rock come out than he and the Show start fighting.
Rock ducks the first shot and wails away on the Big Show, culminating in a
right that takes him over the top rope and to the floor! Show tries to get
up - Rock knocks him down again. And one more time. Now the Outlaws take
on the Rock from behind, and the doubleteam stomp is on. Right from the
Dogg. We look up on the stage to see TREBLE H, STEPHANIE ONO & X-PAC on
the recliner and chair up on the stage. Big Show now stands out on the
floor, arms crossed, watching the proceedings. Gutshot, tag. Open shot,
right, off the ropes, duck, Rock with a swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, nope!
Polite applause from the Show on the floor. Gunn comes back, knocking him
down, then choking him out. "Come on Rocky! Let's go!" Rock outside at
the commentary table - Dogg comes off the apron with an axehandle.
Clubbing blows as Gunn comes outside. Gunn takes the Rock - well, into his
partner, unfortunately, as Rock clotheslines him. Rock comes back with
punches on Mr. Ass, and into the ringpost. Back to the Dogg, he tries to
get him as well, but Dogg blocks it and takes Rock to the STEEL steps.
Back in the ring, cover - 2. Dogg lets him stand - left, left, left, juke,
jive, right is ducked - ROCK BOTTOM! 1, Ass in to break it up. Hebner
trying to muscle him back to the corner. Crowd chants "Big Show sucks" -
I'm thinking the CROWD sucks. Big Show is THIS close to "my man" status!
Jackhammer only gets 2. Rock reverses into a spinebuster. Hebner puts on
the count - Show cheers on his partner. "Come on, Great One!" The Big
Show is all right with me. Ass throws Rock to the outside - headbutt from
the Big Show, and he throws him back in. Dogg in and covering - 2. Tag to
Ass. Dogg with the pumphandle - Gunn ready to come off with the
Fame'Asser, but Rock's trick knee acts up, then he slips the leg and slams
Ass. Show stalking around outside - now pulling Mr. Ass outside the ring.
Now Show is in - headbutts all around - double headbutt! Dogg off the
ropes, big boot. Ass off the ropes, powerslam! Dogg has a chair - Rock
also has a chair. WHACK! Rock hits Show - Gunn covering - 1, 2, 3!
(6:10) X-Pac and the Helmsleys provide a standing ovation for the Outlaws.
And now - the Rock with the People's Elbow on the Big Show! Golf clap from
the Helmselys for THAT, too. Hitting on all cylinders, just in time for
the PPV - see you at SmackDown!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman