by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
I GET LETTERS: Longtime reader Chris Fairbanks offers: What is wrong
with all these people?
Don't they GET IT!? (tm)
I think Mae Young showing her breasts after that much hype is one of the
funniest things the WWF's ever done. Everyone from the Observer to the
Torch to Keith to your own recappers put this down, ignoring the fact that
it's fucking hilarious.
Hey, just 'cause it's FUNNY, don't make it RIGHT. I prove that at least
four or five times a year! Will tonight be one of those times? Stick
around and find out...
PICTURE OF THE WEEK: The suddenly ubiquitous (at least in this column)
Kate Wrightson provides the following photo (58K JPEG) - if you thought Jamal
Anderson was a copycat, check out this church!
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 16 (+ 1 3/16 - make your own Austin 3/16 joke here)
TONIGHT: One on one - Kane and X-Pac: it's personal! The Hardy Boyz get a
tag team title shot! The Game survived the Royal Rumble - will he survive
tonight? Only ten more minutes of "Walker" stand between you and WWF RAW!
The "Walker" credits promo is for Halftime Heat - I hate to say it, but I
stlil haven't seen any indication it's gonna be live on THIS coast, at
least on the USA Network website. I guess I could have checked wwf.com -
well, maybe after I turn this one in and it's too late - yeah
You know, somebody should have had the courage to tell Chuck Norris he
SHOULDN'T be singing his theme song
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF!
Closed Captionied logo - opening credits - if you stare right in the
middle, you can see the screen wipe open up a teensy little bit a teensy
FIREWORKS! SIGNS! PHILLY! WE ARE LIVE from the First Union Center in
Philadelphia, PA one day removed from a damn good pay-per-view and tonight,
on the USA Network and just maybe on TSN, RAW IS WAR!
STEPHANIE ONO & TREBLE H kick off tonight's interview - show! I meant
show! I think. He's heavily bandaged - we are told he has stitches in his
head, his leg, his ear (well, that's part of his head, but I getcha) Even
given a phenomenal performance in the title match, the fans will still
chant "asshole" - but maybe...just maybe...with just a touch more respect.
Then again, maybe not. They're a fickle bunch. "Last night, at the Royal
Rumble...Triple H ONCE AGAIN proved to the world that he is in fact The
Game when he defeated Cactus Jack at his own game - a brutal, bloody,
barbaric Street Fight. The World Wrestling Federation - [pause for "slut"
chant] - the World Wrestling Federation championship should never have been
defended in such a...demeaning matter, but Triple H, being the true
fighting champion that he is sunk to Cactus Jack's lowest low, and rose to
the occasion, to remain...my champion - YOUR Champion - The Game, Triple
"Cactus Jack...I'm not out here to put you over...not by a long shot...but
pal, you gotta be the most sadistic freak I've ever stepped into the ring
with in my life. You brought it all to Madison Square Gadren - barbed
wire, sharp metallic objects - every trick you had, you brought it to the
Royal Rumble - and while I might have left a lot of things in Madison
Square Garden - I left a piece of my leg, I left pints of my blood all over
New York City...the one thing that I did NOT leave was the World Wrestling
Federation championship - because as sadistic as you are, I was that much
more sadistic; as bad as you are, I was that much badder! Cactus Jack,
last night, Madison Square Garden, the Royal Rumble...I went to a level I
never went to in my life...and I liked it. And I stayed the man, I stayed
The Game, I stayed the World Wrestling Federation champion. But I couldn't
help but notice last night - as I rolled out of the hospital in New York
City - I couldn't help but notice Cactus Jack rolling INTO the hospital in
New York City, and it looked like you were gonna be there a whole hell of a
lot longer than I was...so I wouldn't expect to see Cactus Jack here
tonight. Now...Anaheim, California - April the 2nd - ten weeks from now -
Wrestle..Mania 2000!" ["Rock E" chant] "Yeah, the Rock versus The Game.
One on one - for the greatest prize in the World Wrestling Federation that
there is. Rock, you've got ten weeks. Get your ass in the best possible
shape you can be in, because I will be at the top of my game, and we will
battle, and I WILL leave Anaheim...the man..." WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW
interrupting proceedings with his zany music and cool pyro - walking all
the way down the aisle, entering the ring, and going nose-to-nose with the
champion - and then taking a step back and asking for a microphone. "You
know, you've never given me a rematch. And you know why? Because if I
were you, I wouldn't want to face me again either. 'Cause we all know, and
you know, I don't like you. And we ALL know what happens to people I don't
like. Now I'm out here because a crime has been committed. Last night at
the Royal Rumble, I was ROBBED. Listen...I'm a nice guy. I am a nice guy
- and I DON'T LIE. But last night at the Royal Rumble, yes, I did go over
the top when I had Rocky on my shoulders, and everybody sittin' in Madison
Square Garden last night, and all the fans watching on pay-per-view...SAW
ROCKY'S FEET HIT THE GROUND FIRST. So in all actuality, I did win the
Royal Rumble...but I was robbed. So what I've come out here, is I need to
ask you - I need a favour. Yeah, I need a favour from you. If I can prove
to you and to Stephanie and to all these fans beyond the shadow of a doubt,
pure proof on film that Rocky's feet did hit the mat first, you grant me a
one-on-one match with the Rock - the People's Champion. And the winner
gets to go on to WrestleMania and face you, and there, I'll get my
rematch." "Show me the proof and it's yours." LA ROCA can't let this go
without getting HIS mug on camera so out he comes. I'll type it before he
says it and save some time - "Finally, the Rock has come back to
Philadelphia!" Show quivering in anger - I guess. "Triple H, the Rock
says this - seeing as he just won the Royal Rumble, it officially makes
your days as a WWF Champion - numbered. Translation, at WrestleMania, the
Rock is just gon' kick your monkey ass." Rock whips the fans into another
chant with a look. "Now, onto you. Seven feet, five hundred pounds of
whinin' bitchin' moanin' (sobs) 'Oh the Rock's feet touched the ground
first - well the Rock says it doesn't MATTER if the Rock's feet touched the
ground first! The Rock says this, it doesn't matter if the Rock's
feet touched the ground, it doesn't matter where the Rock's feet touched,
the ground, the mat, or straight up your big fat candyass! [another
respectful pause] This ain't the NFL - there is no instant replay - the
only thing that matters RIGHT NOW is the Rock has won the Royal Rumble, the
Rock is going to WrestleMania, and the Rock stands before you, and you, and
even you - the People's Champion." "You know, Show, seems that uh, you and
I seem to have a little common problem. To be that jackass up there with
the big ego - seems to be a common thorn in our sides. So I'll tell ya what
- tonight - you and I - we're gonna team up - and we're gonna get in the
ring...against the Rock - and a partner of your choosing. That is, if -
you can go in the back and find one of those - what do you call 'em, Rock,
jabrones? - that you like to put down so much. If you can get one of those
jabrones to pal up with you, be your friend, and tag with you, then you got
yourself a deal. If not, if one of those jabrones WON'T tag with you -
then you and I - we're gonna have ourselves a little handicap match with
the Rock." "Well, the Rock says this - if there is someone in the back who
wants to team with the Rock, then that's fine...the Rock doesn't need it,
the Rock doesn't want it. The Rock says this, against you and you, two on
one against the Great One means this, is one way or the other, come hell or
high water, bet your candyasses you will smell what the Rock is cookin'."
Before we see a handshake between Show and Triple H, we cut to the graphics.
Tonight, Kane vs. X-Pac! Tag team titles on the line when the Outlaws take
on the Hardy Boys! Not to mention the big main event!
Backstage, Crash Holly eggs on Hardcore Holly, telling him if it weren't
for Chyna, he'd be the intercontinental champion tonight. They're standing
outside a door conveniently labeled "WOMEN'S DRESSING ROOM" - Crash tells
his cousin maybe he doesn't have the sac to go in there and get Chyna - he
DOES go in and screams erupt. Chyna emerges with a finger in the chest for
Holly. She WILL get respect from Holly - respect for her and respect for
the other women in the WWF. Holly tells us he's the Big Shot, and Chyna
laughs it off - Holly hauls off and decks her (wow!) and suddenly Chris
Jericho FLIES into the picture wailing away on Holly. The refs & officials
break it up. We see Crash laughin' at him, so Hardcore decks him one and
stomps away as we go out.
Royal Rumble clips in letterbox-and-extremely-red-o-vision - the encore
presentation is tomorrow night! If you missed it, hey - why not think
about popping for the replay?
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where Holly decked Chyna, Jericho came
to her aid, and NOW we learn that Holly's been challenged as Jericho has
offered him a title shot!
Al Snow says it's time to take this tag team to a new level. He offers a
cape to Steve Blackman - "this'll be perfect - you've already got the
personality of a dead guy." There's a funny wig. See, he'd be Count
Dracula and the team would be named "Head Count" - Blackman removes the
cape and wig in (almost) emotional fashion before Snow can pass him the
phony fangs and delivers his line: "What - is wrong - with you." Snow
offers him a cheese round - "Head Cheese." "Hold it, hold it - look - if
you think I'm going out there and having people callin' me Head Cheese,
you're completely nuts." "Look, we'll be over in Wisconsin!" "I don't
give a damn about Wisconsin - look, it's real simple here - you're Al Snow
and I'm Steve Blackman, the Lethal Weapon." "(snore) - oh, I'm sorry, were
you saying something - I was faling asleep at the name of that team. Wait
- I got one more." Snow holds up a box of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" and
offers "Head Games." Blackman gives us his best "I'm very exasperated"
look and walks off. "That's not a no!"
EDGE (you think you show him) & CHRISTIAN v. AL SNOW (with Head) & STEVE
BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Let Us Take You Back to several clips of
Edge's travails with many women. Separate entrances for Head Cheese - err,
sorry, Steve. Edge and Snow start. Al goes behind and hits a single leg.
Edge kicks Snow to the ground - both men back up. Off the ropes, over,
hiptoss by Edge, dropkick by Edge, armdrag takeover, Al reverses into a
nice chickenwing suplex, and a clothesline. Tag to Blackman. Atomic drop
from Edge catches him off guard - tag to Christian. Rather sizable "head
cheese" chant. Arm wringer, reveresd, side headlock, off the ropes,
shoulderblock, elbowdrop misses. Blackman ducks a clothesline, Christian
jumps a legsweep, into the corner, mokey flip out fails, elbowdrop misses
AGAIN, Christian tosses him out. Ross with the inside joke "he's got five
or six years unaccounted for..." Christian with a springboard plancha from
the corner to the floor. As he puts Blackman on the apron, Snow is over to
attack from behind. Edge comes over and now all four men brawl on the
outside. Blackman drops Christian's face on the STEEL steps from the apron
- yow. Back in the ring as the Double Feature shows us that once again -
Blackman stomping away - nice snap suplex. Another "head cheese" chant -
Blackman politely asking the fans to stop chanting, and when they don't, he
gives Snow a talking to. Ross proclaims Blackman "not very
gimmick-friendly." Scoop - and a slam. Vaderbomb catches the boots.
Christian makes the tag - Edge with a Blackman-esque shoulderblock on
Blackman - well, that doesn't seem right! - Shot for Snow as well - we miss
the next move looking at Snow. Blind tag as Blackman comes off the ropes,
Edge up and over, kicks to Edge, Snow on the top rope as Blackman hits a
backbreaker - Snow in with his version of Too Cool's Veg-O-Matic!
Christian in the ring and he and Blackman are going at it. Before Snow can
follow that up, referee "Blind" Teddy Long calls him off, rings the bell
(ref stop 3:34) and calls for the EMT's. BALD VENIS comes out in
street clothes to check on Edge, who isn't moving. The crowd breathes a
sigh of relief as B.B. comes out, signifying that this is one of those
"work" injuries that only requires the *pretend* EMT - oh GOOD LORD she's
giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Well, that hardly seems necessary
- nonetheless, it seemed to do the trick - here's a replay as everybody
slowly walks back up the ramp - and Al Snow's music plays.
Chris Jericho - IS - WALKING!
"WrestleMania 2000" by THQ ad - no "Santa in the bathroom" clip this time,
WWF SmackDown! is coming to San Jose...oops, this ad gets cut off. Maybe
they sold out ALREADY?
When we come back, the Hollys are WALKING! Crash decides he doesn't really
want to accompany his cousin tonight - in fact, he just may go find a new
tag team partner tonight!
HARDCORE HOLLY v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO for the Intercontinental
Championship - Jericho rushes the ring without the standard mic time and
it's on. Rolling around, exchanging punches, and referee "Blind" Jack Doan
has absolutely NO control. Listen to that "Y2J" chant! Into the corner,
boot up, clothesline, Jericho pounding on him, oh yeah, THAT SLUT CHYNA is
out as well. Off the ropes, Holly ducks, slaps and chops are traded
(woooo!), Holly with a kick, off the ropes, reversed, gutshot, off the
ropes with a bulldog, Jericho covers - 2. Jericho burying the knee in the
gut, Holly punching back, trading 'em again. In the corner, out of the
corner, off the ropes, Holly going for a powerbomb - and hitting it! 1, 2,
no! Holly off the rope with an elbow drop. Off the ropes again - Chyna
holds onto the ankle - Holly kicks her away. For an encore, he goes
outside and throws ANOTHER kick on her! A superkick, even! And now he's
got a chair - and he appears to have forgotten all about this match.
Jericho over to stop him, grabbing the chair, striking, head to the STEEL
steps, back in the ring (and also the chair), but Holly turns the tide
again. Back and forth we go now, off the ropes, reversed again, there's
the Best Dropkick in the Business. Jericho falls backward against the
ropes - and ties himself up. Holly ready to take advantage of the open
shot - but Chyna is in the ring. As Doan gets Holly away from Jericho so
he can free him, Chyna takes down Holly with a gutshot, and Pedigree on the
chair. Jericho with a Lionsault - and a 1, 2, 3. (3:44) What's going on
between Chyna and Jericho? Chyna takes the belt from the ref - and then
hands it to Jericho, raising his hand. It almost looks like we're about to
see Jericho raise Chyna's hand, but we cut to...
MICHAEL KING COLE stands with the Hardy Boyz - tonight, they have a tag
team title shot - are they 100% following last night's match? Jeff: "Last
night was brutal - but now it's time to forget about the pain - and think
about the titles." Matt: "Matt and Jeff Hardy are all about defying the
odds. We did it last night, and we'll do it again tonight for the tag team
titles." The Dudley Boyz interrupt the proceedings. D-Von: "Hardy Boyz!
You know what you punks did to me and my brother? You kept us up all night
last night thinking about what you did to us at the Royal Rumble. You've
done something that nobody's done before, and that's beat us at our own
game - by puttin' people through table, such as the Dudley Boyz. Huh, as
far as I'm concerned, you've taken the Dudley Boyz to the extreme!"
Buh-Buh Ray: "What me and my brother D-Von has never, ever been done
before, and it will probably never happen again - but after the Rumble,
we'd like to shake your hand, and show you the proper respect." "Respect
back." Hey, that's pretty cool. But...they don't let go. "Remember this,
punks - if by some reason you DO beat the Outlaws tonight for those WWF tag
team titles, the Dudley Boyz get the first shot at 'em." "You got it."
"And Hardyz, just in case you both need a little help, don't be afraid to
call us." Wow.
Halftime Heat is this Sunday! When? WHEN?
"The WWF would like to remind you that our superstars are trained
athletes, so none of their moves or stunts should be tried at home by
unskilled individuals - this message is from the WWF." Is it just me or
are kids a lot stupider than when *I* was a kid?
Phonefree.com presents WWF No Way Out - coming to a PPV channel near you in
TOO COOL v. CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) & ? - the EntertainmentTron
video is now a Too Cool/Rikishi Phatu entrance video, even as we don't see
him out with Too Cool now. Lawler asks if the scale will be his partner.
Nope, Crash Holly's partner, defying logic on several different levels,
is...VISSSSSCERA. Crash and Sexay start - off the ropes, leapfrog, point
to the head, gutshot, Sexay lifts him up and lets him drop. DDT. Sexay
busts a move while Vis takes in - going up, going down hard. Sexay tries a
sunset flip, nope, but the big butt drop misses. Scotty tagged in, right,
right, right, off the ropes, reversed, duck, Crash puts a knee between the
shoulder blades, Viscera got him in the Samoan Drop position, Crash jumping
up top, slipping, and flipping into the ring. I THINK that was
unintentional...Viscera goes ahead and hits the Samoan Drop. Crash takes
Scotty off the ropes, reversed, up and over, nice huracanrana for 2. Tag
to Viscera, open shot, into the corner, avalanche splash misses. Scotty
kicking away on the kidneys, climbing onto the shoulders and punching away
- Viscera spins him around and drops him in a powerbomb. Off the ropes -
but the fat ass splash misses. Sexay tagged in - punches in bunches -
Holly in - Holly down with a powerbomb. Viscera takes advantage of the
distraction to put him in a choke - Scotty in and dropkicking him, Sexay
with a dropkick, double dropkick takes him down. Double bulldog. Must be
time for the Wurm karate chop. Now setting up Holly for THEIR Veg-o-matic.
Goggles are on - and there's the big leg. Viscera calmly walks over and
drops a leg of his own. Grand Master covered - 1, 2, 3. (3:22) Crash
jumps into Holly's arms - I don't think we've seen the last of this team.
You know, I didn't mind this too much...the FIRST time I saw it, when it
was Hardcore and the Big Show.
Let's Take a Special Video Look at the saga of Kane & X-Pac. They were the
best of friends - until they weren't.
Will the final chapter be written tonight? Kane and Tori - ARE - WALKING!!!!!!
WWF SmackDown! is coming ot San Jose LIV--oops, cut it off once again.
Maybe the check to AT&T Cable bounced?
Here's a live look at WWF New York!
Live from inside WWF New York, JONATHAN COACHMAN stands amongst the People.
He doesn't get mobbed tonight, at least.
THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Tori) v. X-PAC - it's
almost enough to make you wonder whether or not they'll bring up the
holiday Tori spent with "perfect gentleman" X-Pac. Not yet...although
Lawler DOES bring up Kane's illegal elimination yesterday in the Rumble
matchup at the hands of X-Pac. Whoa Nellie, they brought up the holiday
too! All this continuity will be the death of me! Into the corner, X-Pac
squirts out and quickly hits his patented trifecta of kicks - Kane with a
clothesline to come back. In the corner, deliberate punches, elbows, and
so on. Hiptosses him across the ring. Kick, uppercut, into the opposite
corner , boot up, but X-Pac runs into a powerslam. Blatant choke by
Kane, followed by an intimidation on referee "Blind" Jim Korderas. X-Pac
comes back with a spinning heel kick. X-Pac with a crotch chop and the
"cunning linguist" pantomime - Now that's not very perfect gentlemanly!
Kane over to take X-Pac outside the ring, and right into the cameraman. As
Kane demolishes X-Pac on the outside, let's check the double feature of
this spinning heel kick - oof. Head to the barricade - X-Pac shrugs off
the shoulder and pushes him into the STEEL steps. X-Pac in the ring, where
Tori had earlier sought refuge. Grabbing her by the ass - then PLANTING
one on her. Tori screams and comes in to check on her. X-Pac is in with a
chair and WHACK right to the back of Kane's head. Well, that chairshot is
good enough for a (DQ 2:56) For some reason, X-Pac's music plays, although
I'm almost POSITIVE *he* was the one to be disqualified. Tori is reduced
to incoherency...which actually isn't all that different from--oh, sorry.
"WrestleMania 2000" by THQ ad #2
Halftime Heat is SUNDAY!
And now the Slam of the Week, brought to you by "WrestleMania 2000" for the
N64 by THQ - from last night's PPV, Jeff Hardy's sentonbomb through the
table (and D-Von Dudley).
Stephanie wants to be sure Hunter is okay to compete tonight, but as they
try to have this private moment (well, with the cameraman) but Kane & Tori
break in - they want to know where X-Pac is...but he's already left.
NEW AGE OUTLAWS (with RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. HARDY BOYZ
(with Nipples) for the tag team championship - the champs enter first
because they have a shtick and the challengers don't. The bleep guy misses
"shiznit" but manages to obliterate "doggystyle" - oh well. Hey, where's
Taz tonight, anyway? Say...you don't think HE'D be the mystery
partner....nah. Lest we forget, the Hardys have had managed to have defeat
snatched from the jaws of victory on several occasions in contests with the
Outlaws over the past month or so. The Outlaws rush the challengers and
it's on. Jeff dumped out of the ring, Dogg takes his place in the corner.
Ass removes Matt's shirt and reveals that the ribs are taped up. Head to
the buckle. Ass going for the ribs as we spy the DUDLEY BOYZ come out.
Into the corner, big splash. Buh-Buh Ray says they need a table - and they
go under the ring searchin' for dat plundah. A table is set up outside the
ring, and the Dudleys take their seats. Dig that crazy "ECW" chant from
the Philly faithful. Back in the ring, Ass has Matt in the jackhammer.
Ass with words for the Dudleys ("fat bastard," mostly), tag to Dogg, open
kick to the ribs. Dogg crotch-chops and brings him Jeff in, distracting
referee "Blind" Mike Chioda while Dogg stomps all over the ribs. Tag to
Ass. Punching away on the taped bits. Matt drops down and punches back,
they're trading blows, now Ass blatantly choking him. Tag out. Kick to
the ribs, another one, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, Matt
collapses in the corner. Tag to Ass, double Irish whip into the corner,
Ass on all fours - they're going to steal their move! But Matt puts up the
boots and kicks Dogg in midair. And there's a spinning Diamond Crusher on
Ass. Both men reaching for the tag - only problem is Dogg's got nobody to
tag in HIS corner. Hot tag to Jeff! He's a house on fire! Now all four
in, Dogg out, another Diamond Cutter on Dogg by Matt - sentonbomb - it's
over! 1, 2...the Dudleys pull Chioda out of the ring! They've been
screwed again! Dogg rolls out while "those damn Dudley brothers!" work
over Jeff, culminating in a 3D. Matt back in to help - and there's a 3D
for him as well. Buh-Buh Ray goes outside and brings in the table. "ECW!
ECW! ECW!" Terri gets in the ring - now that CAN'T be a good idea. D-Von
grabs her by the hair! "You want some?" He's ready to punch her out! But
Buh-Buh stops his brother. "Why would you puncher her in the
face...when you can put her through a table?" "Testify!" Buh-Buh
Ray on the second rope - SUPERBOMB!!!!! The bell FINALLY rings (DQ? No
contest? Call it 6:22, although it ended a couple minutes earlier) Terri
didn't go through the table - Dudley's butt did - but still, she folded up
pretty good there. The refs, officials and EMT's are out. Replays show
even friendlier angles of the non-impact - don't get me wrong, we probably
don't want her taking that kind of bump in the first place. To her credit,
Terri doesn't move a muscle - and stares straight ahead. Buh-Buh Ray is
doing a pretty good starejob himself.
When we come back, Terri has been immobilised with the collar and loaded on
a stretcher. "Moments Ago" replay as Ross asks us to check Terri's face
just before the move for fear. The Hardys are back up and on either side
of the gurney...
KURT ANGLE is out. "You know - that's a shame. That kind of stuff should
not happen. That's bad. But let me tell you something that's REALLY bad.
Last night, at the Royal Rumble, your Olympic hero experienced something
that he has never in his life experienced before. No, it was not defeat;
not by any means. It was something much worse." We cut back and forth
between the stretcher's journey and Angle. "It has to do with honour - you
see, I have documents - documents, and written letters from wrestling
officials, not to mention the International Olympic Committee, and even
doctors that state that last night was an illegal hold by my so-called
unnamed opponent - it was. Now, it is to my understanding that it's not
really his fault. [We see the stretcher being loaded into an ambulance] I
mean, he appears to be some sort of street thug that, perhaps, was not
brought up the right way, and, in turn, lacks integrity - one of my three
I's. So all I wanted to do tonight is clear the air, and say that no
apologies are needed for last night, and to also say to all of you not to
worry, because your Olympic hero's undefeated streak is still intact. The
EntertainmentTron turns orange...the music plays...and out comes TAZZ.
Angle tries to explain that it was an illegal hold, but before he can
finish the sentence, Tazz rushes at him - Angle ducks and puts him in a
waistlock. Tazz turns it around and puts on the choke. Angle desperately
tries to break the hold but he keeps it clamped on. "ECW! ECW! ECW!"
Angle goes limp as the refs come out. Play his music again! He never said
a word...still, that extra Z on the end is a *little* annoying...c'mon,
he's Taz. You know it, I know it...ahhh nuts
"WrestleMania 2000" ad - again
During the Break, Terri was loaded on an ambulance - hmm, I thought that
was actually more of a "Moments Ago" clip but let's not mince words (or
Four new "TV Guide" covers this week - the Rock, Triple H, Mankind, and
Chyna showcase "Presidential SmackDown!"
The Rock paces a bit. Michael King Cole, who should know better, attempts
to ask him who his partner is - Rock says he's his own best friend...no
wait, he didn't say that. But the gist is he didn't find anybody. Not
that he's worried - he can take 'em both by himself.
THAA GODFATHAA & D'LOO BROWNN (with ten ?- no, five ho's) v.
ACOLYTESS - Godfather mixes it up a bit by asking if there are any playaz
in the house instead of pimps. WHEN NATION MEMBERS COLLIDE! Godfather and
Bradshaw start, in the camera, referee "Yup" Tim White tries to force the
break, but it'll come naturally, just wait it out, man. Knee from
Bradshaw, trading punches, kick from Bradshaw, off the ropes, shoulderblock
from Godfather, Bradshaw back up, kick, off the ropes, reversed, duck,
superkick avoided, big boot from Bradshaw. Head to the buckle. Into the
opposite corner, follow clothesline. Into the opposite corner, Godfather
puts a boot up - clothesline, off the ropes, spin in place, legdrop. Tag
to Brown, punching away. Whip is reversed, big boot by Bradshaw, tag to
Faarooq. Open shot, right hand, off the ropes, duck, side kick by Brown.
Standing flourished legdrop - hooked the leg, but only 2. Off the ropes,
reversed, spinebuster by Faarooq. Head to Bradshaw's boot, Faarooq working
him over, tagging Bradshaw, off the ropes, double shoulderblock, elbowdrop
by Bradshaw. "Odd couple" is the catchphrase tonight - Snow & Blackman,
Viscera & Crash, Jericho & Chyna...did Ross just say Blackman and Snow
needed lithium? --the hell? Brown manages a powerbomb off the ropes and
tries to make the hot tag. ANd now he does! Faarooq knocked down twice,
Bradshaw taken to the floor, bodyslam of Faarooq, "martial arts kick," and
it's time once again for the Ho Train splash. 1, 2, Bradshaw breaks it
from the floor. Brown in - blind tag off the ropes, Faarooq holds onto the
ropes while Bradshaw comes at him from the criss-corss side - clothesline
from Hell! - Brown dutifully flips two or three times. 1, 2, 3. Acolytes
win. (3:45) AS the Acolytes check out the ho's...
The women of the WWF are standing around - we'll see them - NEXT!
And we'll see Halftime Heat - SUNDAY!
"Smokin' weed is kinda like playin' hockey without your gear..." Yeah,
that *definitely* explains why so many people do it, and why we shouldn't.
Furthermore, my coolness is not on trail here.
Mankind invades Manhattan! That's not blood; it's tomato sauce!
Once again, let's go to Jonathan Coachman at WWF New York - the fans think
Allen Iverson might be a good partner for the Rock - and they're disgusted
with the Dudley Boyz. Yup. Hey, thanks for THAT - it was really
productive. These segments are pretty pointless... unless... you think
they'll help get people to go to the restaurant on Mondays??
WWF RAW is WAR is brought to you by Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Raviolis,
Skittles, and WWF: The Music (Volume 4 - available at Circuit City) - now
that's a meal!
JERRYY LAWLERR stands in the ring to introduce the participants in last
night's Miss Royal Rumble 2000 contest - tonight we will present the
crowning. ERNESTT MILLERR, JACQUELINEE, BB.BB., IVORYY, LUNAA TUNESS, and
accompanied by FABULOUSS MOOLAHH is MAEE YOUNGG. Terri, as you might
imagine, can't make it at this time. Hey, did you notice that Kat and
Chyna haven't been together all night? This isn't accomplishing much but
it IS killing a lot of time with entrances. Crowd gives Young a "mixed
reaction" (mostly boos). Lawler presents a crown and a bouquet - Lawler
says at least these flowers aren't wilted like her...well, you know.
Young says at least hers are real, not like theirs. Kat says she knows
she couldn't be talking about her - must be talking about...Jacqueline.
Jacqueline points to Ivory, words are exchanged and the next thing you
know clothes are flying and all we need is Joey Styles to yell out
"CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!" as the five non-senior citizens create a fracas.
Anyway, B.B.'s top must have come off pretty well, 'cause she quickly
floats out of the shot and then leaves the ring and runs up the ramp
before we can check her out. Most everyone else sticks around as the
REFSS && OFFICIALSS come out and tell us how they love their jobs.
When it calms down a bit, Young is presented with the trophy - a
golden chest (with tassles!). But that's not all - she knows we all came
out tonight to see HER come out - and she intends to deliver. EVERYONE in
the ring is giving the "nonononono" hand signals and head shakes but Young
can't be stopped once that pelvis starts thrusting. Fortunately for us,
SEXUALL CHOCKLITT MIZARKK HENRYY makes a more timely intervention on this
night...and almost snuffs her out by covering her mouth with his jacket -
oops. Ahhh, let's just pretend it never happened and move on, all right?
Royal Rumble encore ad
"WrestleMania 2000" ad #4 - and hopefully the last one for tonight.
Sheesh! This is getting as annoying as "the Dialing Dragon!"
Halftime Heat - don'cha DARE forget it! Err, when is it again? Oh yeah -
Here's an exterior of the First Union Center.
Triple H and the Big Show exchange a few yuks at the Rock's expense.
Tonight, they say, they'll finish their problem once and for all - now
THERE'S a handshake we definitely see.
Earlier Today, DROZZ met with the WWF superstars at the arena. He's
strapped into a chair and not looking real mobile - I think we all hope
for his continued success and recovery.
TESTT v. BIG BOSSMANN in a nontitle match - boot, right, right, right, off
the ropes, big boot, off the ropes with a right that was supposed to take
Test outside, except he didn't get the elevation, so he just rolls under
the bottom rope instead. Now a Test-alike (complete with nose protector)
is out - hey, it's STEVIEE RICHARDSS! Guess he's healed up, and it's good
to see him back. Even if it DID completely ruin this match (DQ :24).
Richards wants a handshake from Test - Test offers his LEFT hand - when
Richards grabs it, Test puts him in a punmphandle slam. Nightstick
grabbed, off the top rope with the elbow (and not the nightstick, oh
well). Wow, we're really low on time!
The Rock - is ......
I hope "The Beach" loses more money than "Heaven's Gate" because, yet
again, it's another ad I'm SO SO TIRED OF - even as they keep showing that
one chick's ass over and over
Earlier Tonight, Buh-Buh Ray Dudley put Terri through a table.
From the hospital, Michael King Cole tells us that the EMT's were
checking for a possible concussion - but other than that, he doesn't
really have much of anything new to report, as they still don't have any
update on her condition - broken back? Neck? We'll probably learn on
Thursday (wink wink).
LAA ROCAA v. TREBLEE HH (with Stephaniee Onoo) & WELLL IT'SS THEE BIGG
SHOWW - I guess the obvious pick would be for Foley to show up at
the last minute, right? Well, as this match starts, it IS a Handicap
match. Only five minutes left, I reckon - maybe it WILL be a squash.
Whoops, check that. Of course - the only other man we haven't seen all
night - RIKISHII PHATUU makes his way to the ring, walks up the steps, and
takes his place in the Rock's corner. Rock and Show in the ring, big
headbutt...into the corner, big kicks, into the corner, another headbutt
takes the Rock down. Elbow to the back of the head, another, scoop - and
a slam. Off the ropes, well it's a big miss with the elbowdrop. Rock
blocks a punch and lets loose. Show reverses a whip and powerslams the
Rock. Tag to H. Right hand. Head to the buckle. Kick, kick, kick,
kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, I think I lost count. Yep, two more
stomps, okay. Right hand. Off the ropes, reversed, knee in the gut, DDT.
Cover - Big Show breaks it up. Apparently that was a tag. Elbow,
open-handed slap by the Show. Into the corner, misses. Phatu tagged in -
punches in bunches, into the corner, fat ass splash, superkick - Triple H
with a shot off the ropes, Phatu turns around and levels him with a chop.
Show hits a sidewalk slam when he turns back around. Show working on him
with devastating headbutts to his own hand. Tag to the Game - kick, kick,
stomp, blatant choke, referee "Blind" Earl Hebner pulls him off. Rikishi
coming back - reversed off the ropes, facebuster by Triple H, off the
ropes, but he falls into a Samoan Drop. Both men tag - Rock all over the
Show with rights. Gutshot, DDT, spinebuster for H, Rock Bottom for Show -
nope, a Golota by H breaks that up. Headbutt by Show - the OUTLAWSS are
out and on Rikishi (DQ 4:16) while the Show puts his knee in the Rock's
jimmy. STEEL chair work being done by the Outlaws, while a second chair
is provided by Stephanie for her husband. Hebner's lights put out. But
before something can be done with that - here's CACTUSS JACKK "running" to
the ring - oh man, that guy needs to take A LOT of time off - with a 2x4.
Rock manages to turn the tide before Jack hits the ring, but who's
counting. 2x4 shots aplenty. Now Rock and Jack clotheslining Show over
the top rope with the board. Play his music! Phatu, Jack and Rock stand
in the ring. H thinks about running atht them again - Rock WHACKS him
with the chair as the credits come up - and at seven after, we're out.
Christopherr Robinn Zimmermann