by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
LATE WORD: It sounds like I might be on The Edge again on Thursday. This time I want some
calls and letters! Yeah!
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 11 15/16 (+ 5/16)
The last time I saw the WWF at the San Jose Arena, it was January, 1993 for
a Superstars taping. You don't need ME to tell you a lot's changed since
then...just off the top of my head, I don't think there was a performer on
tonight's show that was around back then - even commentators! Oh, wait,
the refs are basically the same. Okay.
I got an email at the last minute from Larry (Sportsline producer) who said
that the WWF never acknowledged the FAX they sent, so he didn't know if I
had scored credentials or not, but I might want to take a chance and find
out. I called up the San Jose Arena and was DENIED! But, thanks to Adam,
I got comped about an hour before the show started, so it's all good.
KSJO and Wild 94.9 were both out in force, handing out freebies with their
respective logos on them and blank other sides suitable for the markings of
magic persuasion - KSJO, of course, being locally clever with "I (heart)
THE ROCK" signs - the Rock being the name by which their station is better
known, as well as a wrestler of some renown.
My seats were dead center, seventeen rows up - of course, the cameras were
TEN rows up, so you wouldn't have seen me on TV - and just as well. Also,
the local ABC affiliate, KNTV, set up in front of me for a bit, then
decided to film elsewhere. I forgot to check the news to see if something
made the 11 at 11 news or not. Anybody else watch the news instead of RAW?
No? Ah.
At 1912, announcer HOWARD FINKEL and timkeeper MARK YEATON came out and we
were ready to roll! After the standard "don't throw things, don't jump the
fail, laser pens are bad" speech, we went to the dark matches:
FUNAKI beat FRANKIE LAZARIAN in about 4 minutes. I probably completely
garbled the name of the prelim guy, but he hit a tope that was absolutely
Eric Watts-ian in it's ineptness. The ref was completely unfamiliar
looking to me, a big grey guy.
In a match that may or may not make it to Metal and Jakked, BIG BOSSMAN
pinned BILLY D. (not to be confused with Lando) in about 4 minutes with a
spinning Bossman Slam.
The Metal and Jakked commentary teams were then introduced.
In the Metal Opener, PRINCE ALBERT defeated TIM PATTERSON (?) with not one,
but two bicycle kicks. Perhaps the first one didn't look good, so they
redid it and the first one will be edited out later. I say it's the Metal
Opener because Kevin Kelly and Tom Prichard took the table during this
match.
They laid out for Jonathan Coachman & Michael Hayes, so let's call this the
Jakked Opener. The ACOLYTES defeated the HEAD BANGERS when Bradshaw hits
El Lariat del Muerte Caliente.
LILIAN GARCIA came out to B.B's old music - she may suck as a ring
announcer, but she's quite the leggy one, she is.
The ring and ceiling banners are changed to the show logo and it's almost time!
LARRY KING comes out to Oklahoma's theme - no, wait...
JERRY LAWLER comes out to his own music - and a rousing ovation!
Lilian Garcia sang the national anthem. Now, THIS she was very good at.
Now I understand her website! As long as she's around, I have NO CHANCE to
tackle the anthem at a WWF card - she's got a mean set of pipes. Now, if
only it could translate to her ring announcing (non)ability...
After counting down the final minutes, we were ON THE AIR!!
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening Credits - Closed Captioned - and rated TV-14-DLV
LIGHT THE PYRO and it's SO much noisier in person - we are LIVE late night
from the Shark Tank - the San Jose Arena in San Jose, CA on St. Valentine's
Day 2000 and the place is JAM PACKED TO THE RAFTERS - No kidding! Looks
like a legit sellout to me - I think this configuration of the Arena allows
somewhere around fifteen thousand, and the seats were definitely filled all
the way to the top of the upper balcony.
PERRY SATURN, DEAN MALENKO, CHRIS BENOIT & EDDIE GUERRERO walk to the ring
to start off tonight's festivities. Am I dreaming or does Lilian really
want Eddie to be related to Juventud? Before anybody says anything, it's
time for another entrance - this time DX (and Tori & Stephanie Ono) come
out - Tori in Gertner-esque collar and Stephanie reminding us that the
longer the skirt, the longer the slit. 'Pac isn't in sync with his pyro
but you can't tell on TV. All right, we got ten folks in the ring - now
what? Now an "asshole" chant. Stephanie's got THE STICK: "All right,
listen up! I said LISTEN up!" None of us can hear her, though - her voice
doesn't carry too well. "All right then, SHUT UP! SHUT UP and watch!"
Let Us Take You Back to Thursday as Kane tombstones Tori after wrestling
with his conscience (so to speak). "Look at this defenseless woman! Look
at the fear in her eyes! Look at this poor, defenseless woman! She was an
innocent victim! And it was YOU - it was all of YOU that made Kane react
the way he did. How DARE you! How dare ALL of you! Kane was gonna do the
right thing - he let Tori go - and it was YOUR reaction that made him
tombstone Tori. You make me SICK! And I hold each and every one of you
personally responsible. Look at the suffering that you've caused - look
look, look at the pain and suffering, the torture! Well, if it's suffering
you want, then it's suffering you'll get TONIGHT." Triple H: "You know,
maybe up until now we've gone a little too easy on our adversaries. Some
people say they make the mistake of - thinking kindness is a weakness.
Well, starting tonight there will be no mistakes. There will be no
kindess; there will be no damn weakness. And it starts with Too Cool.
Grand Master Sexay - you will be bitten tonight by a ravenous dog, because
you will step into the Dogg House with the Road Dogg Jesse James. Scotty
Too Hotty, you think you're gonna wurm your way to victory? The problem is
you're gonna come face to face with 275 pounds of Badd Ass with bad intent
- Badd Ass Billy Gunn. And speaking of ass, that brings me to Saturn and
Malenko - the two of you will team up tonight to face the biggest ass in
the world - and I mean that in more ways than one; tonight the two of you
will step into the ring with Rikishi. Now that brings me to the Rock. You
see, Rock, you're looking so forward to your match with the Big Show at No
Way Out - but I hate to disappoint you, Rock, because after tonight you
probably won't make it to No Way Out, because you will be lucky to leave
this ring in one piece, because tonight you will go one on one with the
Crippler, Chris Benoit. Which brings me back to the beginning - which
brings me back to Kane. Kane, you need to be taught a lesson - obviously
you don't play well with others - you need to be taught about respect - you
need to be taught about respect for women. ["asshole" chant] Seems you
need to be taught some respect too. Kane, you need to learn that women
should be treated as your equals (or in your case, that women should be
treated as your superiors.) Look, you burnt freak, just because of your
little sexual inadequacies, you can't go running around beatin' up on women
- you can't go in the ring and tombstone...little virginal, virtuous Tori.
Just because you couldn't get the job done - you couldn't satisfy Tori -
you can't just attack a woman, a defenseless woman. And just because X-Pac
has got the X Factor to get the job done, you can't just attack him. Now,
Kane, I know that you want another shot at X-Pac. I know that you want one
more No Holds Barred match with X-Pac at No Way Out. Well, Kane,
congratulations, it's your lucky day because you've got it!" X-Pac takes a
bit of umbrage. "Hold on now, hold on, all you've gotta do now Kane is
beat ME and the partner of my choosing in a 'no disqualification' handicap
match TONIGHT." X-Pac decides this is okay after all. "Now, whaddaya say,
Kane? After all, if anybody knows about the meaning of the word
'handicap,' it's you." The lights dim and the music plays - and it's TOO
COOL & RIKISHI PHATU slowly walking down the aisle. They stop at the
bottom - the lights go out again - THROUGH HELL FIRE & BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE
(with Paul Bearer). Hmm, I have a sneaky suspicion - yup. LA ROCA.
It's the World Entrance Federation! Get the feeling this is their way of
saying "Thanks for staying awake until 11, here's everybody to reward you?"
Pier Twelve Brawl breaks out (Eddie and the women scatter and Paul stays
outside). The ring quickly empties of heels and Kane lights up the corners
as the six remaining in the ring make faces at the ten on the outside of
the ring. "This is shaping up to be one of the most exciting nights ever
on RAW, King!" Thanks, TONY.
During the Break and off TV, everybody leaves - of course, the crowd chants
for the Rock. Rock acknowledges the chants by jerking his hit in several
directions.
EDGE (you think you Ro-Sham-Bo him, with Christian) v. MATT HARDY (with
Jeff Hardy) v. D-VON DAMN DUDLEY (with Buh-Buh Ray Damn Dudley) in a Triple
Threat match for the #1 Contendership to the titles for his tag team - Let
Us Take You Back to No End of Clips of the Dudleyz wreaking havoc on B.B.,
Terri, the Hardys, and these other guys, too! I'm still waiting for J.R.,
by the way...Lawler can say "orgasmic" all he wants, but I don't think
that's the right word there. D-Von rushes the ring only to find himself on
the wrong end of a doubleteam. Double flapjack! In fact, Edge and Hardy
seem to be fighting to see who gets to do the damage, as each pushes the
other away to get at Dudley. Hardy with an all fours assisted heel kick,
Edge kicking away, then drop toehold-ing Hardy into the graun of Dudley.
Edge misses a splash in the corner, Dudley clotheslines Hardy. Just off
camera, Buh-Buh Ray is giving Ross the bad mouth. D-Von takes Edge over
the top rope with a clothesline, then scoop slams Hardy - off the ropes
with an elbowdrop - 1, 2, kickout. Vertical suplex - 1, 2, no. Edge
finally getting back up - on the top turnbuckle - missile dropkick finds
the mark - Dudley's head colliding with Hardy's! Buh-Buh Ray up on the
apron - Hardy over to pull him to the floor - he and Christian hit a DOUBLE
SUPLEX ON THE FLOOR! Back in the ring, Edge ducks a right and rolls up
D-Von - Hardy breaks the count and tosses Edge. Standing Diamond Cutter -
top rope SENTON BOMB! 1, 2, *Edge* breaks up the count. Hardy and Edge
shoving now - then both punching D-Von as he stands up. Hardy takes Edge
to the mat, then whips Dudley into the corner - it's reversed, so Hardy
walks up the turnbuckle, flips and lands on his feet - again he tries to
clothesline D-Von, but he ducks it - Hardy turns around as Dudley sidesteps
an Edge spear - which hits Hardy. Got it? Edge shrugs - then falls
backwards in a jumpin' Slop Drop. 1, 2, 3!!!!! (3:01) The Dudley Boyz
get the title shot, which must mean the Outlaws really ARE faces - at least
they will be at No Way Out. Back in the ring, the Hardys and Edge &
Christian are having words.
The unblinking eye of the WWF camera finds Mark Henry & Mae Young at a
hotel - the clerk at the counter asks if he wants two adjoining rooms. He
must not watch much TV! Henry requests a honeymoon suite. The clerk
attempts to keep a straight face as Henry sings "Let's Get It Own..."
Here's a look at the gorgeous facade of the Arena - and the electronic
message board that tells us the RAW IS WAR is SOLD OUT!
ROAD DOGG v. GRAND MASTER SEXAY - it's he, it's he, heard this before have
we. Ross tells us that Rock vs. Benoit is "a dream matchup - a
matchup I've wanted to see for years." Yeah, you and EVERY OTHER INTERNET
FAN OUT THERE, Ross. Dogg rushes Sexay and it's on. Dogg wiggles and hits
a right. Off the ropes, duck, slide under, full nelson, front slam. Sexay
busting a move, then hitting a baseball slide dropkick. Head to the STEEL
steps. Rolled back in, off the ropes, Dogg hits a flying jalapeno. He's
doing the two scoops! Sexay gets up, takes a look, and JOINS him! That's
funny! Sexay ducks a clothesline and hits a superkick - 1, 2, no. He
learned that from Rikishi! Into the corner, reversed, boot up - ready for
a bulldog from the second rope, and it hits. Sexay tells the crowd maybe
one more? Dogg hangs on and shoves Sexay into the second turnbuckle,
rendering him sterile. Off the ropes, kick, Sexay doubles over, another
kick, 1, 2, no. Dogg puts a knee between the shoulderblades and works the
chinlock. Crowd springs to life and Sexay gets up, elbow, elbow, Dogg with
a kick, suplex is blocked, again, Sexay hangs him out to dry on the top
rope. Now the shirt's off - all the girls (and some of the gay guys) go
WILD! Right, right, off the ropes, reversed, head down, Sexay with a DDT.
Sexay whipping him into the corner, doing "the Thriller," another whip into
the corner, powerslam, and it's time to go up and finish this. Off camera,
a cameraman helpfully positions Sexay's goggles where he can find them -
he's up top and putting 'em on - Tennessee Jam MISSES, Road Dogg has the
pumphandle - and the slam - and the pinfall. 1, 2, 3. (Call 4:11)
Henry and Young get out of the elevator, where the all-seeing eye of the
WWF camera is waiting for them. They walk to the room, Henry opens the
door - then carries Young through the threshold. He comes back for the
luggage. The "Do Not Disturb" sign is placed on the doorknob...oo-ee.
The Godfather, D'Lo Brown, and some ho's are WALKING!
THA GODFATHA & D'LO BROWN (with eight - no, four ho's) v. HEAD CHEESE (with
Head & No Cheese) - In case you missed it, we're LIVE! Hey, somebody write
Herb Kunze and tell him how dismayed I am that the Godfather is out before
midnight! Backstage, we see Snow attempting to hypnotize Blackman. "You
have an engaging personality." "Go away." "You have a winning smile."
"Leave me alone." "People find you exciting in the ring." "I hate you."
"You are head ch-- ... cheese." "Well, ,look at that - it's time for our
match!" He holds Snow's nose, and when Snow opens his mouth, Blackman puts
the pocket watch in it. "See you in the ring!" "Obviously, somebody's not
taking this serious anymore!" Blackman & Snow walk out together to
Blackman's music. Hey, remember when Blackman took the ho's? He DID have
a winning smile! The ladies swarm Blackman as Godfather takes THE STICK:
"Hey, listen up Steve. Ohh, come on and relax man, let some of that
tension out! Whachoo doin' man? Man, show a little personality, man.
Listen listen man, we can - listen to me! We can do this any time, man, at
any time. I say you, me and these fine fine girls - we go to downtown San
Jose, and we light it up all night long!" Blackman: "Get out of my face."
"All right, have it that way - Head Cheese." Crowd starts a "Head Cheese"
chant as Blackman corrects the crowd: "I am the Lethal Weapon!" Off
camera, one of the ho's takes a spill and my side of the crowd is pretty
merciless in making fun of her. Snow and Godfather lock up, off the ropes,
knockdown, over under, dueling hiptosses, Godfather knocks him down, but
misses an elbow drop. Snow with rights, off the ropes, down,
Blackman puts a foot in the back, clothesline from Snow. Snow keeps saying
"the ho's!" while Blackman wants him to pay attention to the match - and
indeed, Brown is tagged in as Snow isn't paying attention. Brown spins
Snow around and punches away, off the ropes, nice heel kick. Snow rakes
the face, scoops - and slams, and tags in Blackman. Drop toehold by Brown,
right, off the ropes, duck, Blackman kick, kick, nice dropkick. Off the
ropes, missile shoulderblock, "head cheese" chant. Meanwhile, Snow is
outside putting moves on one of the women. Blackman turns to face Snow,
and ends up being caught in a cartwheel rollup - 1, 2, 3. The undefeated
streak is over and Blackman isn't too happy about the loss. (1:29)
Henry and Young, arm in arm, share a private moment... with the ubiquitous
WWF camera, you, me, and all the other viewers. Young promises to slip
into something more comfortable, while Henry acts like he's all excited
about getting a piece of Young.
The Rock anxiously paces about - at any moment he could exit and be at the
corner of St. John & Montgomery! And THEN, man, he'd be LOST 'cause the
ring is the OTHER way...
WrestleMania 2000 for the N64 ad.
Positive K is NOT a "Monster of Rap" - Alex was right
WrestleMania 2000 is *7* weeks away!
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, NATIONAL MERIT SCHOLAR,
AMERICAN GLADIATOR AND THE ONE CALORIE IN A CAN OF DIET PEPSI KURT ANGLE
comes out. (By the way, we're LIVE.) "Ever since I won this prestigious
European championship belt, I couldn't help but take notice to the many
changes in Europe. For instance, the economy is up - suicide rates are
down, and last but not least (and I- I couldn't believe this when I saw
it), tourism has increased 16.4%. WOW. That's how I feel. While in
America, the stock market has PLUMMETED, the crime rate has risen to an
all-time high this year - it's true - and towns like San Jose continue to
fall to a deeper depression. It's true! Have you seen your town lately?
It's true. Now, ironically, this has all occurred ever since Chris Jericho
won the Intercontinental belt, and he represents all of you! So I feel
it's my duty (as an American hero) to do the same for America as I have
graciously done for Europe. Tonight, I am CHALLENGING Y2J - thank you!
Thank you - I am challenging Y2J at No Way Out for the Intercontinental
Championship! Now - I feel that I would make a MUCH better champion than a
foul-mouthed hooligan that has the audacity to call himself the *Ayatollah*
- I mean, come on! So it's important for ME to pull these people - all of
you, all of America - out of it's misery! So I am challenging Chris
Jericho to come out here and accept my bid for an intercontinental title!
Come on, Chris..." We wait. "You know what? Hold up a second. Whoa!
Hold up a second!" Crowd working a "Y2J" groove. "Could I have your
attention, please? This is so typical. I mean, he's probably down in
Hollywood with his pal Chyna, making a mockery of our industry, and
embarrassing herself on a national television program, a late night show.
Could we have the footage?" Let Us Take You Back to Friday, where Chyna
appeared on Leno. "Look at that. Now, I can't believe what I'm seeing.
You see, I was on the Jay Leno show, the Tonight show, I was on it once
after the Olympic games - but I didn't embarrass myself - I had decency - I
had respect for myself - I didn't walk out in a - in a - um - a LATEX
RUBBER SUIT, for God's sake! I NEVER embarrassed myself, and you know why?
Because I live my life by s - three set of rules - a simple set of rules
that I call the three I's - and they are - yes! Please chant it with me!
Intensity! Integrity! And--" and the Y2J countdown cuts him off. A
clean-shaven CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out. "All right San Jose! Welcome to
RAW is JERICHO! And Kirk Angel, as Confucious once said, 'if you ain't got
nothin' entertaining to say, then shut - the hell - up!' You say that
since Y2J has had the intercontinental championship that America has fallen
into a decline. Well I say that since you've been standing in that ring,
babbling on that microphone, America has fallen asleep! When you look at
yourself, you see a courageous Olympic hero, but when I look atcha, all I
see is a ridiculous Special Olympics jackass...and I don't know if I want
to give you a title shot at No Way Out, but I DO know that I wanna give you
a Y2J beating - RIGHT - NOW..." and he runs to the ring. Punches are
exchanged, Angle to the face, taking him off the rope, duck, Jericho hits a
clothesline. Knee, knee, knee, now pummeling him - the REFS are out to
break it up and Angle rolls outside. We see THAT SLUT CHYNA walking down
the aisle - the camera misses Chyna DDT'ing Angle, but it's probably just
as well, because Angle didn't really land in convincing fashion, seeing it
live.
Mark Henry, lies in bed...and in wait. How'd that camera get past the "Do
Not Disturb" sign, anyway? Young is almost ready. Time for Henry to throw
a pair of boxers on the floor. (Ewww!) Young comes out...in red lingerie.
She's his Valentine, see. Oy. She leaps into the bed...both lovers
disappear under the covers...
And we take a look at our commentators, LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Lawler
is pretending to rolf in his crown, he's so shocked by this public display
of affection! If this REALLY bothered him, he'd ask what the HELL that
camera is doing there...
That Benoit/Rock graphic (whoa, who ever thought we'd see THAT?) means that
that there match is NEXT!
"Moments Ago," Chyna DDT'd Angle. Camera misses it AGAIN - but,
like I said, it's probably better off
CHRIS BENOIT (with Eddie Guerrera and RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box)
v. LA ROCA - Rock starts off with - wait for it - brawling. Whip, reverse,
elbow. Stomping away - Benoit firing back with stomps and chops, then
kicks and punches. Back to Rock punching and kicking. Head to the buckle.
Off the ropes, reversed, boot from the Rock since his head was down, but
Benoit hits a clothesline. Benoit with a snap suplex. Backbreaker across
the knee - for 2. Off the ropes, reversed, gutshot, off the ropes,
swinging neckbreaker by the Rock for 2. Rock kicks as they both get up,
right, elbow, choke on the second rope, off the ropes, reversed, Guerrero
grabs the leg, Rock turns to Guerrero, then turns back to eat a big
knockdown by Benoit. 2 count. Benoit stomping away. Referee "Blind" Earl
Hebner pulling Benoit back, and Guerrero getting in some shots of his own.
Benoit goes outside and continues the beating on the Rock. We walk around
the ring - now Rock comes back with rights, head to the barricade, Benoit
reverses, hammer lock, into the ringpost, now over to the commentary table.
Benoit with a STEEL chair to Rock. Hebner and Guerrero having a chat about
Eddie's elbow off camera. Benoit in command, now sweeping the leg to take
him down, and there's a cross arm breaker. Rock lacing his fingers to
prevent the leverage. Benoit back to his feet, stomp, chop, off the ropes,
reverse, clothesline by the Rock. Benoit ducks a right and hits a
belly-to-back suplex. 1, 2, no. Benoit puts a boot on him - Rock reverses
and hits a DDT, but Guerrero is on the apron and Hebner is distracted.
Rock over to give Eddie a shot, and when he turns back, Benoit slaps on the
Crippler crossface! Rock slowly, slowly, inches towards the bottom rope -
and gets it. Bummer. Benoit has a shouting match with the one man shorter
than he is - Hebner. Back to the chop (woooo!), another, and one more -
Rock turns the tables and punches away as if the chops meant nothing. Off
the ropes, no, Rock holds on and puts him down with a Samoan Drop. 1, 2,
no. Off the ropes, Rock with a spinebuster. Big-time clothesline to take
Benoit to the outside - Rock follows. Up the ramp we go, right, right,
once again Guerrero monopolises Hebner, whoops WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW.
Show PASTES Rock - back in the ring, Benoit hits a belly-to-back and
bridges. Hebner, after an eternity, is over to count - 1, 2, holy crap,
3!!! (7:43) Benoit wins! Man I never BELIEVED Rock would be the first
one to job for Benoit, but he did - AND he actually kept his shoulders down
for about 10. I guess I gotta cut him some slack for a while now. Dammit.
Post-match, Rock is out to get some revenge on the Big Show, but Benoit and
Guerrero make it three on one, and surprisingly, even though the one is the
Rock, the three take the advantage. Thrown back in the ring for Benoit's
SWANDIVE HEADBUTT! The bad folks walk off, leaving the Rock wondering what
just happened. That was cool! Sure, we'll probably see him at the end of
the show, but at least for the next 45 minutes or so, I can feel QUITE
content, thank you very much.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - well it's a big shove to the
mat by the face. There's that headbutt again. Ross swore up and down that
Show was in Hawaii - oops.
MICHAEL KING COLE asks Big Show how he feels about what just happened.
Show says that was a work of art - and at No Way Out, Show should have no
problems with the Rock. "The Big Show is going to WrestleMania -
hallelujah!"
Meanwhile, in bed, Henry has a present for Young - "sweet chocklits from
Sexual Chocklit." Young also has a present - "edible undies." She puts
them (ack) on - hey, do you think they really did it if she had those hose
on the whole time? Henry claps off the lights - and then the next thing we
hear is, "Mmmmm! Tutti fruiti!" The less said about this...
KING ASS (with Road Dogg) v. SCOTTY TOO HOTTY (with Grand Master Sexay) -
Ass comes out to the Outlaws theme, who can say why. Dogg says he isn't
gonna say the same thing as before, then works up some crappy poetry for
our benefit. Ass asks us to say "suck it" so we do. Come to think of it,
why do these guys come out with their partners when earlier...eh. Tonight,
a Light Heavyweight title match! Lockup, to the corner, Ass kick, right,
kick, right, kick, right, right, right, right, words for referee "Blind"
Teddy Long. Scoop - and a slam. Pickup, scoop - and a slam! Ass
adjusting his trunks - err - then jumps off - into a punch. Now Hotty is
punching away. Off the ropes, nice dropkick. Ass holds on in the corner,
Taylor chops, whip works this time, there's the bulldog off the ropes.
Hotty making face - must be time for the Wurm. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hai-ya! Off
the ropes, Ass reverses, knee in the gut, jackhammer. Hotty whipped into
the corner, Ass charges and the splash hits, but Sexay, up on the apron,
throws a loaded right - everybody falls and Hotty's on top of that rollup -
1, 2, 3! (1:59) Gunn LEVELS him with a clothesline post-match but he's
still lost.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands in front of an exciting door! WOW!!
During the break and off TV, a couple of 49ers fans strongly in denial make
their presence felt. Seeing as this is more of a Raiders crowd, they may
have been better served just keeping their signage and dress to
themselves...
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - well, they never SAID the right hand
was loaded, but I have to think the way Gunn fell it MUST have been...
CRASH HOLLY (with Hardcore & Scale Holly) v. ESSA RIOS (with Lita) for the
Light Heavyweight Championship - Rather than broach the rather thorny issue
of how a super heavyweight can compete, Garcia just doesn't announce
Holly's name (or weight). Rios (I still think his first name should be
"Ese," oh well) has new Santanified music - too bad, I liked his
SuperAstros-type music. Let Us Take You Back to Last Night where the
incomparable Gillberg was defeated last night, bringing the Light
Heavyweight title out of mothballs for the first time in well over a year.
Also of note is the fact that this is the LAST belt to still carry the
"old" WWF logo on it. Well, okay, nobody cares but me - I just think
that's interesting. Oh, you wanted to know about the MATCH? Hang on while
I tell you that Hardcore has taken third headset and says that Crash has
decided to go the opposite direction of Super Heavyweight by getting the
Light Heavyweight championship. Holly with a knuckle lock, climbing to the
top, split-legged, lands on his feet, Rios ducks a clothesline and kicks,
kick, kick, now HE'S got a knuckle lock, tightroping to the top, springs
up, off the top, armdragalike, looks neat, anyway. Into the corner, Holly
turns it around and sits him on top. Forearm, Rios blocks another and hits
a tornado DDT. Off the ropes, chop, another, Crash reverses a whip
and there's a drop toehold into the bottom rope. Crash stomping away now.
Into the corner, out of the corner, followup splash misses and he crotches
himself - Rios with a superneckbreaker for 2. Off the ropes, spinning heel
kick, into the ropes, Holly holds on and rolls out. Holly points to his
head but doesn't notice Rios out on the apron - huracanrana! And now the
lovely Lita is over - and SHE hits a 'rana! Back in the ring, gutshot,
vertical suplex, rather low kick, moonsault, that's it. 1, 2, 3. (2:37)
Of course, Lita moonsaults Holly post-match for good measure. Hardcore
laughs and expresses his disappointment.
Kevin Kelly is still standing in front of that door, yo
During the break and off the TV, Crash manages to sell his poor head almost
the entire time - that is, when he and Hardcore aren't being given
direction from the floor manager.
Moments Ago, there was a moonsault - and then another. Back to live
action. "Crash - what seems to be your problem - I'll tell you what, just
shut the hell up right now. Not only did you embarrass the Holly family,
but you embarrassed me. First of all, Elroy, I mean Crash - ya got beat by
a Light Heavyweight - not only did you get beat by a light heavyweight, but
you got beat by a woman, too! Now I know you have your problem with women,
but that's okay, that's good and all - because it's a good thing you have
that right hand, because that's the only thing you're gonna get from a
woman. Now I'll tell you what - go get you a pen and paper, no forget
that, because you're one illiterate son of a bitch - I'll tell you what,
get out of this ring right now, and watch how Hardcore Holly kicks ass
around here!"
HARDCORE HOLLY (already in the ring, with Hardcore & Scale Holly) v.
TAZZZZZZZ - Hmmm, I don't like his odds, myself. Tazz was rather over,
from the response I heard live, not to mention the "ECW" chant you could
even hear at home. Ross says "smash mouth." 1, 2, kickout. Punches are
exchanged, Holly in control, knee from Tazz, off the ropes, kick by Tazz,
atomic drop by Holly, clothesline, cover, 1, 2, no. Tazz buries a right,
overhand right, looping right, right, Holly to the face. Holly chokes on
the second rope, then as he and referee "Blind" Jack Doan talk it over,
Crash chokes as well. Off the ropes, Best Dropkick in the Business by
Holly. He celebrates a bit too long - Nothern Lights Tazzplex for 2.
Tazzline. Tazz toehold. Forearms (Tazzarms?) - there's that choke - Crash
is in to break it up (DQ 2:19) - and gets a head-and-arm Tazzplex for his
troubles. Crash dumped out on his head - Hardcore doing some shoving as
they go back up the ramp...
Kevin Kelly greets the Rock as he FINALLY exits his dressing room, then
feels the wrong end of a shove as Rock WALKS on by...
During the break and off TV, a blow-up doll is confiscated from the
audience...much to everyone's amusement except the security guys.
The Dog Show continues TOMORROW!
Mankind has run out of Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli! Hide your children!
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Chef Boyardee Overstuff Ravioli, WWF: The
Music (Volume 4 - available at Sam Goody & Musicland), and T.G.I.Friday's -
home of the Jack Daniels Grill!
RIKISHI PHATU (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by) v. DEAN MALENKO
& PERRY SATURN in a Handicap match - they sure seem to be saying "LIVE" an
awful lot, aren't they? Must be the whole "specialness" of tonight and
all. Saturn & Malenk attack before the bell, but can't take the big man
off his feet. Sandwiched between clotheslines. Double atomic drop! But
all that does is hurt THEIR knees! Double clothseline by Phatu! Each man
goes down with one blow. Malenko taken off the ropes, Diamond Cutteralike
for him, Samoan Drop for Saturn. Saturn backs into the corner, sitting on
his partner, unfortunately. Riksihi is over now. Sittin' back and
wigglin' on Saturn's face - Malenko gets two cheeksful as well. Saturn
manages a superkick to come back, Malenko hits a sweet dropkick to take him
to the mat. They're making a wish. Double dropkick to the face. Stomping
away - they're both staying in the whole match, I guess. Going for the
double suplex - but Phatu REVERSES into a DOUBLE SUPLEX of his own! Phatu
with a right for each man. Whip into the corner for Malenko - ready for
the splash but Saturn pulls him to safety. Knife-edge chop by Saturn.
Both men attack, whip into the corner, follow lariat has no effect,
clothesline for Malenko, superkick for Saturn, Rikishi Driver for Malenko,
setting him up - Saturn pulls away - but there's a shot - Rikishi Driver is
shaken off, but Phatu manages a BELLY-to-belly. Dragging both men to the
corner for the Banzai Drop, but not before EDDIE GUERRERO sneaks out with a
piece of pipe and whacks him in the ankle (DQ 3:20) Guerrero passes the
pipe and the attack on the ankle continues until TOO COOL comes out to make
the save.
Triple H & Stephanie are...WALKING!
During the break and off TV, Phatu limps out with a member of Too Cool on
each side helping him along. The crowd expresses disapproval that we may
not get a dance tonight...
The WWF Free-for-all, sponsored by phonefree.com, is Kane's tombstone of
Tori ("My God!") - which is free because...er....
phonefree.com presents WWF No Way Out 27 February!
THROUGH HELL FIRE & BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Paul Barrow & PPV promo) v.
TRIPLE H and ? (with Stephanie Ono) - Kane with the "surprise" pyro to
scare all of us. During a break, the tech crew refilled the flashpots with
whatever makes those gigantic flames so he could light them again. I
ALMOST thought we'd make it without Triple H's theme, but no dice. The
next music we hear is that of X-PAC (with Tori) but all four stop halfway
down the ramp - and now H introduces his partner. Huh? Well, it turns out
that actually, H's partner - WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW, and here's a SECOND
batch of surprise pyro. The tech guys went to put the Big Show's rocket
launchers on the apron, only to pull them when it was obvious the action
was gonna start before he could hit the ring and trigger them. H posing on
the apron, so Kane hits him from behind. Show up, Show down, H shoved into
Show, Kane his him in a choke and FINALLY they get it together and take
control. Show kicking away. H on the outside - so in the "no DQ" handicap
match, they're actually going to tag. Show punching away - Kane absorbing
it and feeling nothing - now blocking and punching away on his own.
Reversal off the ropes, head down, uppercut by Kane, kick, uppercut, off
the ropes, reverse, double choke - up and down. Cover, 2. Headbutt, tag
to Triple H. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, right right, right,
right, right, right, right, right, and so on. Whip is reversed, Kane puts
a head down, H hits a facecrusher, H hits a high knee, H drops a knee - I
mean elbow, and gets 2. Into the Big Show's bit boot, tag, and now both
men are punching away. Show with a side Russian legsweep. He wants
to drop the knee but Kane hits a zombie situp. Show whips him into the
corner and tags. Kane manages an uppercut, another, another, trading
punches, now back to Kane only, off the ropes, head down, H with a DDT. 1,
2, no. Front face - tag - Show dropping elbows. Open-handed slap in the
corner, kick, elbow, elbow, headbutt, tag to Triple H. I would describe
the pace as "deliberate." Two rights, Kane fires back, trading blows, Kane
hitting rights AND lefts, off the ropes, kick from Triple H, clothesline
from Kane. Into the ropes, big boot, Show comes in on his own and attacks
from behind. Off the ropes, Kane ducks, there's a flying clothesline.
Kane putting a thumb across his throat - but H hits a Golota from behind.
Show with an elbow, another, X-Pac bringing a chair to his DX mate,
sidewalk slam from the Show, H putting the chair down. Show bringing him
over - Pedigree time, but the crowd chants "Rock E" - and LA ROCA obliges.
He comes in - right into ahhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM! I am the ONLY guy in the
crowd to be clapping here, but DAMN that was pretty sweet. Kane backdrops
out of the Pedigree attempt, Show pounds, X-Pac is in, doubleteam is on.
Triple H grabs the chair - but CACTUS JACK is out, knocking down Tori on
his way, firing away with rights on H, and dumping him out. Show is
working over Rock while Jack and H fight on the outside. Off the ropes,
superkick for Kane from the Big Show - as he sets him up for a piledriver,
Rock comes to and CHAIRS Show! Kane his him with a chokeslam of his own as
Rock chairs X-Pac - Kane covering Show - 1, 2, 3! (7:19) Pier Six Brawl
has erupted - Rock ready to hit the People's Elbow on the Big Show, but as
he runs the ropes, H pulls away his feet! Everybody back in the ring, but
this time Jack has a wrench on him. Sure enough, the ring is cleared of
Triple H, Big Show and X-Pac - Kane, Jack, Rock and Bearer stand in the
ring - Kane lights the ringposts one more time - the credits are up as we
check out the heels on the rampway...and we're out!
BUT in the arena, our story continued...
The crowd chanted "Rock E." As Cactus Jack's music played, he left with
his wrench in hand. Kane and Paul Bearer were out next, right behind him.
The Rock's music played as Ross and Lawler took off. Rock was ready to
leave - but as he parted the ropes, the crowd clamored for more.
Suddenly, Big Show came back out (with his music) - and it's probably time
for the San Jose crowd to get their People's elbow, methinks. Show blocks
a punch, headbutt, clubbing blow, another, another, off the ropes, Rock
slips it, but Show puts him down as Triple H reenters the ring. Big-time
boos. Standing on the throat - who should come out to make the save but
... Rikishi Phatu? Show asking him to bring it on - Rikishi catches it,
superkick! Superkick! And one for H as well. Off the ropes, running
clothesline to Triple H - Rock is up now - Rock Bottom for Triple H!
Another Phatu superkick for the Big Show and here's a Banzai Drop! The
music starts again and Too Cool are out now. I have a feeling that right
after the Rock hits the People's Elbow on Triple H...he's doing it in
rhythm to the music! Off the ropes, three crotch chops, and there's the
elbow. Cactus Jack is walking down the aisle all this time, as well.
Sexay leading the claps in time to the Rock's theme...but Phatu is leaving!
Sexay tries to stop him but he is up the aisle...crowd booing, then egging
him on. Rock has the mic again - "Rikishi - Rikishi, the Rock says bring
your candy ass back in the People's Ring!" And so he complies. There's a
brief staredown (!) - "Now the Rock says that you owe San Jose a dance!"
Crowd goes apeshit, of course. Everyone does the "American Males" clap
except me - I'm TYPING here! The Magic Goggles are put on...Taylor and
Christopher strike a pose...but before THAT happens..
"Wait, wait, wait! I don't know what the hell's going on here - I can't
believe my eyes! But I'll tell you one thing for damn sure, Cactus Jack
did NOT come to San Jose to watch you three idiots dance." Crowd gives
general confusion, some boo, but all is well. "...I came to San Jose to
JOIN you!" Another giant pop. And now the four men in the ring turn to
the Rock - who shakes his head. I have a feeling the crowd just MIGHT
change his mind. Too Cool on their knees, begging. "Rock E" chant led by
Jack. Rock manages to continue to politely demur. The four men return to
the centre of the ring - and finally, NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE
DANCE! Of coures, Jack gives us his Dude Love knee trick. Jack tells
Taylor HE wants to do the Wurm with him - and it's hilarious, as he gets NO
air - it's like he's doing (or trying to do) pushups. Phatu does HIS bit
and the music ends with an "arm crossed" 'hood pose. Big cheers all
around. Phatu shakes hands with the Rock - Taylor and the Rock touch two
fingers each. One final pose from everybody and the ring empties...
...except for the Rock. As Too Cool's theme plays one more time, Jack, Too
Cool and Phatu make their way back up the ramp and behind the curtain.
Phatu takes one more ear cup at the top of the ramp - and gets a large
cheer from the crowd - but not as big as the one when heard when we see
Rock on the EntertainmentTron doing the People's Eyebrow.
Again, Rock goes to leave - but the crowd boos. They WILL hear from their
hero this night...or will they? Another head fake out of the ring -
another cascade of boos.
Rock comes back in the ring - and the roof blows off the joint. Rock picks
up the mic, and starts shining it. Now - it's time. And, true to my word
to cut the man some slack, and because it just might be an EXCLUSIVE! for
this site, here's a transcript:
"Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to San Jose! You know, the Rock says the
Rock - Rikishi - Kane served up X-Pac, Triple H, and the Big Show - those
three roody poo candyasses - not one, not two, but three pieces of....pie."
The crowd fires up a "Poon Tang Pie" chant.
"Now it wasn't just any kind of pie - it wan't...pecan pie. No, not even
that ...peanut butter pie - it was the Rock's and San Jose's all-time
favourite - poontang pie!"
The chant fires up again.
"And just out of curiosity, who's giving out poontang pie?"
The 3-year old in the seat next to me shrieked. Well, okay, no she didn't
- she seemed kinda bored, actually.
"Now the Rock says he took those three pieces of pie - and you can't shine
pie, so he put it in a microwave for 13.5 seconds, turned those sumbitches
sideways, and stuck 'em straight up their candyasses!"
Rock motions for the tagline - but stops short. The "Rock E" chant starts
up once again.
"If ya smellllllllllllalalalalalalalalalaloooow - what THE ROCK ... ... ...
... "
Nobody's left the San Jose Arena - still cheering and still chanting.
Rock gives us the Eyebrow once again...he motions for the water, and the
bottle is thrown to him - he takes a swig - then throws it out to the
second row.
"...for the millions..." the crowd completes that phrase with "AND MILLIONS!"
"...is cookin'."
Hit the music, he is outta here.
Lilian Garcia thanks us for all our lovin' and asks us to visit the
souvenir stands on our way out - thank you and good night!
It's 10:26 and I'm STARVING. If I hurry, I can get home just in time for
the show to start!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net