by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 16 7/8 (+ 1/8)
SMACKDOWN!: I THINK I'm going tonight...it all depends on our collective
ability to seek out WWF production folk (who can be quite receptive to
begging in the right circumstances) between now and showtime. If I do,
you'll see an Extra Special Spoiler Report tomorrow around this time.
And if I don't, hey, you'll see me get a lot of extra sleep. Either way,
I'M A WINNER!
BLATANT PLUG #2: I'm EXTRA excited that E.C. Ostermeyer has made it to the
big leagues with his WCW
Saturday Night report - lately, this has been the BEST WCW show on
television (despite Vince Russo's low opinion of it) and E.C. does a
*superb* job of giving you the lowdown on what happened if you didn't
catch the show. Give him a shot if you haven't already!
RADIO RADIO: Ron & Fez will talk wrestling with MEEEEEE Wednesday on WNEW
and WJFK at 1am! In addition to breaking down WrestleMania (or maybe
putting it down, who can say?), I hope to share some of my (cross fingers)
SmackDown! experience one night before the show airs on UPN...also, let's
get some calls and emails! Hit Ron & Fez at ronandfez.com and give THEM some support
in thanks for all the support they've given the WrestleManiacs!
BLATANT PLUG #1: To celebrate the two year anniversary of WrestleManiacs,
Andrew F. prepared a special column that went under the the radar last
week - here's the link again http://www.wrestleline.com/columns/crz/dummies.htm
- if you would like to contact Andrew, his email address is firstname.lastname@example.org. I kinda think
that this "kayfabe breaking" kinda defeats the purpose of being a loyal
reader, 'cause longtime readers already KNEW all this stuff - it's like a
long-term relationship with you and me, you see? But people have
seemingly ALWAYS been asking me to prepare a document like
this...unfortunately, I'm REALLY lazy, so big ups to Mr. F. for taking the
time to put it together, then accept a few corrections before submitting
this most recent version. Can "updates" be far behind? Let Andrew (and
WrestleLine) know if you're interested!
SHORT EDITORIAL: If you ever needed a reason why I don't give out match
ratings, you need look no further than the latest Scott Keith argument
settler....that lad hands out more snowflakes than the director of your
garden variety Very Speical Christmas Episode of "Happy Days." Hey, it's
great to LIKE a match - it's great to ENJOY a match - I do a LOT of both,
myself - but if you're going to give out star ratings, try to get at least
a ONE hand grip on reality. Please. For the love of Meltzer...please.
PLEA: Once again, I'm going to start trying to find my "lost" PrimeTime
Wrestling and Monday Night RAW reports from 1992-1994, but I need your
help. If you happened to run one of the r.s.p-w FTP sites where I may
have copied over the old reports, can you get in touch with me? Also, if
you happened to VISIT one of these sites back in the day - or, hell, if
you managed to pull the reports off r.s.p-w when I originally submitted
them and STILL have them on a hard drive somewhere for whatever reason -
hell, if you find yourself handling five-year old backup tapes for UC
Riverside or CSU Stanislaus, give me a buzz and help BRING BACK
HISTORY! Unfortunately, I missed out and took my first hiatus JUST when
the first pro-wrestling Web sites started up, so I don't think Mark Long's
got them tucked away somewhere...hmmm, maybe I should write him too...
ON THAT NOTE: Hey, it's two years for me *this* week! I feel like
pointing out that two years was actually my "burnout benchmark" back in
'94 - and back THEN, I only did ONE hour of television a week! How could
I POSSIBLY have been burned out back then? Well, I *seem* to recall the
shows really sucking, but maybe that was just my fuzzy memory...also, I
was unemployed and living with my parents, so there you go.
AND, FINALLY: Lest you think I'm TOO wrapped up with myself.....hey, I'm
not gonna change YOUR mind with words, at least not this week, so... ON
WITH THE SHOW!
TONIGHT: Live from Los Angeles, Rikishi takes on the Big Show! Euro title
on the line as Chris Jericho meets Eddie Guerrero! And, oh boy, the
McMahons are in the house and they'll be chatting with us!
Another TV-14-DLV ratings box, another year of One World Leader
Attitude - WWF!
Closed captioned - Opening Credits
BOOM! BOOM! SHWOOOOOOOOOM! BOOM! WE ARE LIVE from the Staples Center in
Los Angeles, CA 3.4.2K and one question is on everyone's mind - why did Mr.
McMahon screw the Rock? Well, that and why was that Kat fight longer than
SKIPPY walks out to "No Chance in Hell" to begin the evening's festivities.
"I would like to publicly apologise to my father, Vince. You see, I have
always admired and revered my father in the past. But what happened last
night was truly my father's GREATEST accomplishment! You see, it made me
so proud - I was so proud to be his son - I was so proud to bear the very
name 'McMahon' for what my father did. Dad, I just want you to always know
one thing - that no matter what, your son will always love you very very
much. And it's because of love that I would like to continue what you
started at WrestleMania - you see, tonight... ["ass hole"] ...you see,
tonight, if he's up for the challenge, In This Very Ring, Shane O. Mac
would like to go one - on one with the Great One himself. So how 'bout it,
Rock? Whaddayasay? How 'bout it Rock, are you up for the challenge? Come
on, I wanna know!" But instead of the Rock, it's the HAPPY HELMSLEY FAMILY
- Stephanie managing to sell the beatdown given her by the Rock last night.
Shane and H exchanging looks - but Stephanie's going to speak. LUCKY US!!
"Shane...I'll never forget or forgive what the Rock did to me last night.
I mean, I'm a WOMAN! I'm a hundred and thirty-five pounds - I mean, yeah,
I slapped the Rock, but - but he DESERVED it! And - I certainly did NOT
deserve the Rock Bottom...OR the People's Elbow...I mean, my back - my neck
- my chest is SO sore...I feel like I've been in - in a skiing accident!
Any normal woman wouldn't even be out here right now. ["Slut"] No, Shane,
I appreciate your anger and your feelings towards the Rock--" "Appreciate
this, though - THAT is my wife - yeah, your sister, my wife, my sweet
little innocent frail wife - the Rock put his hands on her, NOW I WANT THE
ROCK'S ASS TONIGHT! No...no, don't get excited, not like that - not for
the World Wrestling Federation championship - I've already proved to the
world that the Rock can't beat me. I've already proved to the world that
the Rock is not in my league. But Shane, this is a personal issue - Rock,
this is a personal issue. An eye for an eye, Rock. You put your hands on
my wife - you hurt my wife - now *I* will hurt YOU. Rock, if you have got
the guts, man to man, I want your ass. So, Rock, what do you say? Are you
a man?" Crowd: "Rock E!" But "No Chance in Hell" fires up again and out
comes BILLIONAIRE VINCE. Shane makes a puppy dog expression, Stephanie
makes a gushy expression, Triple H...well, we don't see him. Vince gives a
"c'mere" smile and he and Stephanie are all hugs. Vince turns to Triple H
- stares - and there's a handshake. Now looking to Shane - more of the
puppy eyes - Shane offers HIS hand...and Vince takes it. Hugs! Hooray!
RESET BUTTON!! WHO CARES ABOUT PLOT HOLES YOU CAN DRIVE A MACK TRUCK
THROUGH? THIS IS THE WWF!! Anyway, Vince grabs the mic. "It appears as
though, that, uh, we have a problem here. And that is that ...Triple H,
you want the Rock tonight - Shane, you want the Rock tonight - but that's
not the match that I had in mind. You see, the match that I had in mind
for the Rock tonight (In This Very Ring) one on one was the Rock versus -
*Vince* McMahon. Now I'm sure many of you would like for me to offer some
sort of explanation as to why I scrambled the Rock's brains at
WrestleMania. Well, since I don't have to answer, and don't answer to
anyone, and all the rest of you do, and since you would like for me to
offer some sort of explanation - quite frankly, I'm not inclined. Suffice
to say, the Rock has a great deal in common with many of you in this arena
- many of you in the Los Angeles are - let's face it. Because the vast
majority of you are...vain - egocentric - and narcisstic! [I think he
meant "narcissistic" - oh well] Come on, look around - look around, what
you're gonna see is just a bunch of phony people - LOOK AT YOURSELVES!
Come on, many of you have fake hair - fake teeth - fake BOOBS - a lot of
you have undergone...lipsuction...facelifts...tummy tucks...my God, what
kind of people are you, you're not real human beings! You're just a bunch
of phonies! And I know that some of you are saying 'well, he's just
talking about people in the entertainment business - he's not talking about
ME.' ["Ass hole"] I hope our producer has the finger on the bleeper
button 'cause I've never been called that word by so many assholes in
m(beeeeeeeep -y life). So you must be saying to yourself, 'Mr. McMahon is
not addressing me, I'm not in the ENTERTAINMENT business.' Well,
quite frankly, you're probably worse, because since you're not in the
entertainment business, that probably means you want to be. You see,
you're what we call *bottom feeders*. You're waiting for some Hollywood
agent to come slithering up out of the commode to make you a star. Well,
just as I shattered the Rock's dreams of becoming WWF Champion at
WrestleMania, so too are all of your dreams destined to be shattered over
and over and over again by wanting to be a star. The Rock, himself, has as
much of a chance of becoming WWF Champion again as you do of becoming a big
Hollywood star - *no chance in hell*. So therefore, whether it's Shane
McMahon vs. the Rock tonight - whether it's Triple H vs. the Rock tonight
(nontitle) - or whether it's Vince McMahon vs. the Rock tonight - one of us
will attempt to not only defeat the Rock but drive him out of the World
Wrestling Federation completely and into a profession he's more suited for
- waiting on tables. I thank you very much."
Let me see if I can get the gist of the previous segment. Is it something
like "Screw you! We don't HAVE to explain the storyline! It doesn't HAVE
to make sense! You'll tune in anyway! You're a complete loser and an
idiot! Here, join in the chant!" Zat about cover it, WWF? I'm not gonna
tell you it's thinking like that that cost other companies THEIR dominance
in the past...
Tonight, a European Title Match - Chris Jericho takes on Eddie Guerrero!
Hardcore title on the line - WHEN HOLLYS COLLIDE! Intercontinental title
on the line as Chris Benoit takes on Tazz! Titans clash when Big Show
takes on Rikishi Phatu! We cut from the McMahons leaving the ring to
Backstage, a limo arrives - and the Rock exits it! Wow! He's WALKING!
So, like he wasn't even IN THE ARENA when all these challenges were being
Here's a live look at the outside of the Staples Center where it's still
THAT SLUT CHYNA comes out with her C-2000. Don't eat her like a woman!
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with That Slut Chyna) v. EDDIE GUERRERO for the
European championship - Champ enters first because tradition must take a
backseat to the almighty storyline. Jericho gets no mic time but Eddie's
got one with him. "Heyheyheyhey! Take it easy, Mamacita! I know you're
here really 'cause you want some Latino Heat - I mean let's face it, last
night you were practically coming out of your pants at the sight of me!"
Kudos to Guerrero for being the first guy to make a reference to Chyna's
pants splitting and falling apart last night - geez, don't ANY of these PPV
recappers NOTICE stuff like that? "But I gotta set you aside today, 'cause
I gotta focus on the European championship - see, I gotta make all my
ancestors in *Spain* proud - so, dio Juanito, et Conchita, cousin Pampilla,
this one's for you, baby." Ross: "I thought he was from El Paso!"
Guerrero hits the ring and it's on - punches traded - in the corner,
Guerrero with an elbow. Into the opposite corner, Guerreo looks to Chyna,
then runs at Jericho, who drops and boosts him into the top turnbuckle.
Running lariat. Chop, chop, chop, into the ropes, Guerrero up - and face
first down. Powerbomb coming up - Guerrero rolls it through and tries to
cover but Jericho rolls through THAT. Guerrero with a clothesline - then a
dropkick to the head as he's lying on the mat. Another look at Chyna as we
check the Castrol GTX Drivin' Hard Double Feature. Snapmare, Guerrero with
a face grind. Into the ropes, up and over, leg lariat by Guerrero. Into
the ropes again, HUGE sleeper by Guerrero. Jericho trying to fight it but
fading...elbow breaks it, elbow, elboe, into the ropes - Guerrero with an
abdominal stretch? Now back to the sleeper - Jericho turns into it and
suplexes him out. Right by Jericho, eyepoke by Guerrero - Jericho sent
outside - Guerrero follows. We cut backstage where a camera's on the floor
of Stephanie's dressing room (?) - we cut back very quickly (oops) and back
to the match. Jericho's head to the STEEL steps - Jericho manages an
elbow, but Guerrero fires back with a right, chop, Jericho chops back,
Guerrero chops, Jericho chops, Guerrero runs - the chase is on - Guerrero
stops him with a thumb to the eye and a snapmare. Back in the ring we go -
vertical suplex. Guerrero winking at Chyna, who gives the stone face in
return. Guerrero going up top - for the frog splash? Well, Jericho gets
out of the way, so Guerrero tumbles out of his landing instead, but Jericho
catches him in a powerslam. Right, right, chop, into the ropes is
reversed, knee by Jericho, running bulldog. 1, 2, no! Chop by Jericho,
into the ropes, Guerrero puts up a boot. Off the ropes, Jericho hits a
drop toehold and Guerrero collides with referee "Blind" Tim White - and he
falls out to the floor! Jericho hits the DOUBLE powerbomb, then springs
off the ropes with the Lionsault quebrada - but there's no ref. Crowd
chants "1 - 2 - 3" - no dice. Chyna over to check on White - no movement -
so SHE goes in and fast counts a 3 for Jericho. No bell, no music. Chyna
raises Jericho's arm, then hits a GUTSHOT (or even lower, maybe) AND DDT!
Guerrero placed on top of Jericho, and now she's out to roust White. Over
to count - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European Champion.
(5:39) Chyna gives Guerrero the belt - and smiles. Eddie can't
believe it but after they shake their bonbons and hug - yep! Well, at
least Chyna can put her fluency in Spanish to good use. Arm in arm, they
are! What? You say it makes no sense? And you call yourself a WWF fan!
Clearly IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE!! Just say "Latino Heat" six or seven
times and you'll forget ALL ABOUT the fact that while Chyna turning on
Jericho MIGHT make sense given an awful lot of words, you can't even MAKE
that kind of leap to make her joining withGuerrero work!
WrestleMania encore presentation promo
Back in the dressing room, Stephanie asks Daddy if he's proud of her for
being the Women's Champion. Then she turns to a heartfelt plea for Triple
H to get the match with the Rock tonight - beside the fact that he's her
husband and the WWF Champion, it only seems right that her husband be the
one to fight on her behalf. "That's not your job anymore, Dad. I love
you. Will you - will you think about it?" "Yeah, I'll think about it."
Eww, right on the LIPS!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, where Chyna went from Jericho to
Guerrero - what a slut!
ROAD DOGG & X-PAC (with Tori & "WWF Aggression" ad) v. T&A (with Trish
Stratus - the fitness model) - Ross sends well-wishes to Bob Clark. Dogg
rhymes like a ... limes. Albert and X-Pac start. Big spit in the eye,
blinding Albert! Kick, right, elbow, into the ropes is reversed - GIANT
PRESS by Albert, dropping him to the mat. Pound, pound, into the ropes,
Dogg gets in some shots from behind off the reversal - one of them actually
even appears to hit! Roundhouse kick by X-Pac - Castrol GTX Double Feature
of the press and drop. Cover - 1, big kickout. Tag to Dogg, boot to the
head, kick, into the ropes is reversed, duck, left, left, left, juke, jive,
crotch chop for Stratus, but Albert ducks the right and hits the bicycle
kick! Tag to Test - into the corner, do-si-do doubleteam whip and Albert
splashes him. Whip into Test's big boot - 1, 2, X-Pac saves it. Into the
ropes, head down, kick for Dogg. Full nelson into a uranage. Running big
boot misses and he straddles the top rope. X-Pac with a kick on the
outside as well. Tag - X-Pac chopping away. Right, Test first back,
trading blows, Irish whip is reversed, charge misses, but Test catches a
kick and slams him to the mat. Going for the pumphandle, but X-Pac goes up
and over his shoulder. Belly-to-back suplex - tag to Dogg. Dogg off the
ropes with a Bossman straddle, only with a 180 before he sits on him. Shot
for Albert, now off the ropes with the wiggly wobbly woobly kneedrop.
Albert breaks the count - now all four men are in and it's broken down.
Big boot by Test, but Dogg backdrops him over the top rope. Albert has
X-Pac up in the double choke, but Dogg clips him and there's the X Factor!
Dogg covers as referee "Blind" Jim Korderas turns back around - 1, 2, 3!
(3:35) D & X defeat T & A. Replay of the finish.
Backstage, Kurt Angle talks to Howard Finkel about his loss and general
conspiracy victimness. "Kurt, the rules clearly stated that the Champion
did not have to get pinned in order to lose his title." "So, what are you
saying?" "Well, Kurt, I've got the utmost of respect for you, but quite
frankly... you're no longer a champion." "You're right, I'm sorry. I
don't know what I was thinking. You're right, Howard. Thank you - thank
you." Howard walks off...but not too far before Angle storms back into the
picture and takes him down Backlund style! "I *AM* A CHAMPION! IT'S TRUE!
When we come back, Shane tells Vince that Stephanie is wrapping him
around her finger like she always does, and HE should be the one to take on
the Rock tonight. "All right - I'll work it out."
"RAW is WAR" is brought to you by FRAM!, 1-800-CAL-LATT, and Chef Boyardee!
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ v. CHRIS BENOIT for the Intercontinental championship
- Lockup, into the corner, Tazz punches out, Benoit chops, neither men
relenting - back to the center, into the ropes, shoulderblock by Benoit,
sliding under, Tazz catching him in a head and arm belly-to-belly Tazzplex
that see Benoit land RIGHT on his head. Stomp, right, into the ropes,
shoulderblock by Benoit, back elbow, chop, snap suplex, 1, 2, nope. Tazz a
former Hardcore champion now. Benoit throws Tazz through the ropes and
follows. Hard whip into the barricade, Tazz fires back with a kick, chop
by Benoit, open-handed slap by Tazz, chop by Benoit, back into the ring,
scoop - and a slam. Benoit off the ropes with an elbowdrop. Slap, kick,
kick, double leg, SHARPSHOOTER! Ross actually calling it that, too!
Benoit lets go of the hold. Eh? Stomp. Into the corner hard, Tazz puts
up a boot - drop toehold by Benoit, WAILING away on the back of his head.
Kick. Into the corner sternum-first - waistlock by Benoit, reversal,
TAZZMISSION! Benoit's going out - and PERRY SATURN is *coming* out -
climbing up to the top - Tazz shoves Benoit into the ropes, crotching
Saturn. Tazz over to the corner - HEAD AND ARM SUPERPLEX! Saturn almost
DIES trying to get footing to push himself off the top...damn. Tazz
clotheslines Saturn out of the ring - then finds himself on the wrong end
of a German suplex (with bridge). 1, 2, 3. (3:21) Benoit and Saturn walk
off - Tazz runs up the aisle and puts Saturn in the Tazzmission! Benoit
over to beat him off of his man - Tazz shakes it off and runs back again -
again going for Saturn...as they brawl backstage...
Elsewhere, the gay cameraman has AGAIN found his way to Rikishi Phatu's
ass. Please, no. Just - no. NO! No. Arrrrgh. And now they're WALKING!
Hey, notice how this 1-800-CAL-LATT ad doesn't involve the "Ready to
Rumble" movie? Yup.
And now, the Castrol GTX Slam of the Week! From last night's WrestleMania,
Jeff Hardy hits a twenty foot swanton bomb from a super-high ladder to
Buh-Buh Ray Dudley and a table on the floor. Yeah, it's a great spot - but
it ain't no FIVE STAR MATCH.
Backstage, Shane priases Big Show for his quick exit from the main event
last night - well, maybe not like that, but...anyway, Show thinks it's
"time for the Big Show to go Hollywood" Rugs will be cut, he's gonna cut
loose, and all that. Hey, looks like he's going to take the SNL lead and
let loose the goof!
MICHAEL KING COLE stands in the ring to introduce the new tag team
champions - tonight, EDGE & CHRISTIAN enter through the normal means
instead of through the crowd - and walking quite gingerly, at that - almost
as if they were SELLING! Edge tells Cole to step off, they'll take it from
there. Edge & Christian give a "we're really great" interview - well, Edge
talks and Christian punctuates it every now and then with a line like
"really, REALLY great" while Edge practices the Bischoffian technique of
mouthing along. They realise that to have a great match, you need great
opponents, and they ask "Matthew & Jeffrey" to please come out. So here's
the HARDY BOYZ at the top of the ramp. Christian asks for one more
big round of applause and the crowd complies. Edge: "Hey - don't hang
those heads, guys - pick those chins up, young bucks. YOU did a great
*JOB* last night." Christian: "There's no shame in being (makes the 'gun'
hand signal) SECOND best - or even (makes 3D sign) THIRD best, for that
matter." As the Hardys make it to the apron, the music starts up and here
come THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - as the Hardys turn round to stare at the Dudleys
on the ramp, the Blondes waffles the Hardys with their belts and take them
down to the floor. Buh-Buh Ray and D-Von sidestep the carnage and go right
for Edge & Christian. Christian taken to the outside while Edge gets 3D
(Dudley Death Drop) - The Hardys hit the ring while Christian collects Edge
and they run off. All the refs try to separate the four in the ring and
have varying degrees of success. The Hardys' theme plays for no apparent
reason as the fight is still on - bring on the officials. When we come
back, the Big Show and Rikishi are NEXT!
"Don't try this at home" promo
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where three tag teams hinted that it
wasn't all said and done...yet.
Backstage, Chyna and Eddie are WALKING! EN ESPANOL DONDE SEA DISPONIBLE!
They pile into an orange low-rider and drive off...
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with "WWF Aggression" music and no Shane) v.
RIKISHI PHATU (with Too Cool & RAW credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) - Show
trying to get his groove on as he enters the ring. In fact, Show's kinda
getting excited to see Phatu and Too Cool dance - Phatu giving a quizzical
look. Show tries to get first attach, but it's blocked. Rights by Phatu -
into the corner, big boot up - Show with a clothesline that spins Phatu
around. Show playing "guns". Show moonwalking. Show getting light on his
feet. Show going for the Wurm - well, a VERY flat version of it, anyway.
Crowd going nuts for it. Hoo - hoo - hoo - swinging elbowdrop misses as
Phatu's long rolled out of the way. Show runs into a quasi-Samoan Drop.
Phat ass splash. Big stinkeye. Sexay with a trademark cacklin'. Phatu
hits a superkick - Show over to the ropes, where Sexay hits a hot shot -
referee "Blind" Teddy Long calls for the bell (DQ 1:17) as Phatu hits a
SECOND superkick, putting the Show down. Scotty Too Hotty in - and now
he's going to show you the CORRECT way to do the Wurm, culminating in
karate chop. Let's play their music because NOW IS THE TIME OF SPROCKETS
WHEN WE DANCE! Show apparently watching all this on the outside - and
Wow! It's a door! And it says "THE ROCK!" A DOOR! AN - EXCITING
EXCITING - DOOR!
Vince, Shane, Stephanie and Hunter have gathered. It's the family
routine - "whoever draws the short straw gets to face the Rock tonight."
Triple H takes a straw - Vince asks Shane if he wants him to pick or if HE
wants to pick. Shane says Vince can pick, so he picks - leaving Shane with
the short straw. Shane seems less than thrilled that he "won." After he
walks off, Vince says "You know, I *really* wanted to face him." Triple H
counters with "Oh, me too - but I tell you what, you NEVER let the guy
holding the straws pick second!" ...huh?
Back to the ring. "You know, all my life, people have been telling me what
a great athlete I am. Hey, I know it's hard for you to believe but people
have been tellin' me that I'm the biggest, baddest, meanest competitor in
the business today! And it's true! They also say I'm a monster that's
completely unstoppable - and you know what? They're right! But there is
so much more to me than, that. I mean, you guys must have seen me on
"Saturday Night Live," right? And then, you know that I'm a funny guy,
right? I'm a talented guy! I'm ENTERTAIIIINING! But what I'm trying to
say is that there is so much more to me - there's so much more to the Big
Show than headbutts and *chokeslaaaaams*. I mean - just ask my fiancee -
I've got layers upon layers - sometimes I feel like fighting - sometimes I
feel like relaxing - and then sometimes....I feel like DANCIN'. So you
boys in the truck...hit the music!" Too Cool's music plays and AWAY HE
GOES! Well, he's kinda got it...crowd digs it, chanting "Go Big Show."
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the closet we'll ever get to an instant face
turn, so there we are.
Michael King Cole stands backstage with the Rock. "You know, it is
amazing. It is truly amazing. With all the great decisions that Vince
McMahon has made over his lifetime - the decision to expand the WWF in 1983
- the decision to create WrestleMania in 1985 - the infamous penis implant
of 1991 - with every single decision you've made, Vince, after last night,
with every accomplishment you've made - they all mean absolutely...nothing.
Because last night, Vince McMahon, at WrestleMania, when the Rock was down,
and you hit the Rock in the head with a STEEL chair not once but twice, and
shattered the Rock's dreams - you did it all - the Rock says you made the
single worst decision of a lifetime. And the Rock guaran-damn-tees as sure
as tonight the Rock is gonna whip Shane McMahon's candyass, as sure as last
night at WrestleMania the Rock Rock Bottomed that slut Stephanie... is as
sure as the Rock is gonna make this promise to become WWF ... Champion. If
ya smell...what the Rock...is cookin'."
WrestleMania encore presentation ad
Back in the dressing room, the members of Too Cool critique Show's
performance - Sexay thought he was horrible, while Hotty was a bit more
kind - proclaiming him "pretty good - for a big guy." Sexay piles it on -
"that wasn't a worm, that was a whale!"
CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) v. HARDCORE HOLLY for the Hardcore
Championship - Ross reminds us that this title changed hands ten times last
night - and they say that the title is devalued! Crash strikes, grabs the
belt after Hardcore drops it and WAFFLES him with it, then goes outside for
plundah. COOKIE SHEET! Cover - 2 . Into the ropes, reversed, facebuster
on the sheet by Hardcore. HE goes outside and emerges with a push broom.
Broken over the back. Using the stick repeated on him. Now going outside
for the fire extinguisher - Crash slides outside - PSHHHHHWAAAA - 1, 2, no.
Rolled back in the ring, Hardcore grabbing a chair - but Crash hits a
gutshot and he drops it - a few rights - setting up the chair - Hardcore
with a gutshot of his own - vertical suplex coming up - Crash scoots free -
front suplex onto the chair - 1, 2, Hardcore kicks out. Off the ropes,
clotheslined over the top rope to the floor. The ACOLYTES comes out as
Crash grabs the bell, but Hardcore once again has the candy dish, which he
breaks over Crash's head. Bradshaw hits a lariat on Hardcore, then puts
him in the ring for both members of the APA (where's Mideon?) to work him
over - double uranage, and Crash is placed on top - 1, 2, 3! Ladies and
gentlemen, we have a new Hardcore champion - and the first four-time
champion. (3:02) Crash gives a handshake to each Acolyte to let us
know he'd paid them off. As he walks off - he's pummelled from behind by
the MEAN STREET POSSE, who - go figure - end up fighting amongst themselves
while Holly gets away. Apparently, the 24/7 rule...will continue. Man,
what was the point of all the title changes if it just ends up on Crash
when it's all said and done? "It doesn't matter?" God, this WWF can
really get annoying sometimes....
Backstage, Shane dresses for the match - Triple H stops by to offer some
advice, but can't think of any that Shane would be able to use, other than
"Just watch out. Just remember it's the Rock and be careful."
Yow! Bill Kazmaier looks ready to re-sign with WCW! He can manage that
"Big Jakes" guy
One more live shot from the Staples Center - the sun never really seems to
go down with the hazy smog in the sky
Backstage, Big Show catches up to Grand Master Sexay. "Hey Brian, can I
talk to you for a second? It's cool - it's cool. I just got a question -
was my dancing really THAT bad?" "Well - it wa'n't that bad - but then
again, it wa'n't that good--" so Show pounds him one, then splashes him
through the table he's perched on! Then he grabs the glasses and
dreadlocks hat and wears them. "I gotta go take a meeting with my agent -
so *I* will catch you later!" Then he mocks Sexay's mocking of his
chokeslam - now THAT'S layers!
BALD VENIS v. KURT ANGLE - "Hello, Ladies! You know something, the Big
Valbowski--" just got interrupted by the music of his competitor. "This is
one of the darkest days in WWF History - if not US History! It's true! To
lose is one thing, but to lose two titles without being pinned - THAT'S
ridiculous. I've received calls from parents telling me that their
children were too depressed to go to school today, and quite frankly, I
don't blame them! In fact, I'm not sure the WWF will ever survive without
Your Olympic Hero as the Eurocontinental champion. In less than 24 hours,
I've gone from owning two titles to being forced to wrestle a film star -
the lowest form of life there is - and since I CARE about my body, and
since I don't want to taint myself, it's only fair that I wear rubber
sanitary gloves." Venis decides to attack him before he can finish putting
the gloves on. Rights, stomps, standing on the neck - referee "Blind" Mike
Sparks pulls him off. Into the ropes is reversed, head down, kick by
Venis, right, into the ropes, back elbow, elbowdrop, off the ropes with the
kneedrop, cover, 1. Knife-edge chop by Venis, chop, Angle ducks the short
clothesline and puts on a waistlock, to the ropes, Venis shrugs him off,
but Angle hits a clothesline. Venis pops up with one of his own. Right
hand pastes Angle, another right, clothesline to the floor - Venis follows.
Off the apron, but Angle buries a punch into the gut. Venis hard into the
STEEL steps and Angle back in to celebrate. Hairpull (watch the plugs!)
but Venis hot shots him. "USA" chant is confusing as Venis is Canadian and
Angle's ostensibly the heel. Gutshot, DDT for Angle, cover, 2. Elbow to
the small of the back. Another. Head to the buckle, into the corner hard,
into the opposite corner even harder, vertical suplex, right, into the
ropes, duck, head down, Venis hits a neckbreaker. Both men down - Angle
tries an avalanche as Venis is in the corner but Venis puts up a boot.
Right, right, right, into the opposite corner, follow lariat hits. Venis
tries it again, and again it works - butterfly suplex! But only 2. Venis
going for the fishermanplex - but apparently hurting his back. Angle with
a right, right, setting him out to dry on the top (Venis almost falls off)
- Angle climbing up to look for the superplex - Venis holds on and shoves
him off - Money Shot...MISSES! Angle PROCURES THE CROSS FACE CHICKEN WING!
Venis taps out. (4:15)
Shane stretches out - Vince pays a visit, and tells him "I gotcher back -
okay?" Shane thanks him and gives him a hug. "Triple H gave me the worst
advice - watch everything!" "That's GOOD advice! I got your back..."
Farmclubdotcom is next! NWA reunion - I thought that happened LAST
week? Hey, is it REALLY a reunion is *Arabian Prince* isn't there?
And now, the FRAM Trap of the Week - from WrestleMania, last night - Pete
Rose tries one more time to take out Kane - and fails. Rose suffers a
chokeslam from Kane and a stinkeye from Rikishi Phatu.
In case you were wondering, WWF Backlash is brought to you by Castrol GTX -
and it's 30 April from the MCI Center in DC! And it's sold out!
THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with Paul Barrow) v. BULL
BUCHANAN (with Big Boss Man) - Boss Man distracts Kane and Buchanan strikes
from behind - rights and lefts - into the opposite corner, Kane springs out
with a clothesline, uppercut, uppercut, into the ropes, big boot. Head to
the buckle, into the opposite corner, Buchanan tries his "stand on the top
rope and spring off with an elbow" but slips and drops. Kane with another
uppercut. Into the corner, back elbow by Buchanan,
right/clothesline/something that takes Kane down - Buchanan climbs the
corner while Kane surprises everyone with a zombie situp - got him in the
choke, but Boss Man is up on the apron - well, now he's down with a right
from Kane - Buchanan off the top, landing in the choke - chokeslam! 1, 2,
3. (1:15) Too late, Boss Man is in - working him over with the nightstick
- Buchanan out to help - cuffed to the bottom rope! Buchanan getting in
some free shots - Paul Bearer tries a chair to Buchanan but it has no
effect - Buchanan takes out Bearer with one right. Chair to Kane's hand,
ceasing HIS choke of the Boss Man. With both men laid out, the men in
black walk off... Hey, how about a replay? Whack!
The Rock is pacing around - his match is NEXT!
SKIPPY v. LA ROCA - Shane does a Rock impersonation, climbing the corner
and inhaling deeply. BILLIONAIRE VINCE walks out soon after Shane - but
referee "Blind" Earl Hebner won't let him into the ring. After a reminder
of which one of them has the ability to fire the other, Vince is let into
the ring, where he has some words for ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA. Rock
is still in a sprintin' frame of mind as he hits the ring and manages to
get a handle on Vince's blazer before he can escape. Ross says the Rock is
pissed, and then the censor bleeps out the next few seconds having already
missed it. Ah well. Rock still glaring at Vince, who tries to signal to
Shane to jump him from behind - Rock turns around and Shane scatters, Rock
outside - the chase is on - and Rock catches him at the top of the ramp,
where I expect TREBLE H to emerge any minute now - ah, thank you very much.
Right, right, STEPHANIE ONO is peeking out from behind the curtain as H
punches Rock down the ramp and back to the ring. Rock falls to the floor
following a KO blow. Hard whip into the STEEL steps. Apparently, Vince
has been talking to Hebner this whole time...Rock put back in the ring and
the opening bell sounds. Clothesline by Shane - second rope axehandle.
Cover, 2. Rock up, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed,
Triple H pulls the top rope and Rock sails outside. H over to get a piece,
but Hebner stops him. Behind his back, *Vince* comes over and clotheslines
Rock over the commentary table. Got him again - rolled back in for Shane,
who pummels away as Hebner continues to talk about the Microsoft decision
with Triple H. Ross has told Lawler to "shut up" about fifteen million
times this match - funny. Off the ropes, back elbow by Shane. H giving
directions - Rock laid on the second rope, and Shane says to Hebner that
HE'S got some opinions about the Microsoft decision if he'd like to talk to
him - behind his back, Triple H all over the Rock. Lawler: "Good Lord you
complain a lot. Why don't you quit whining and call the match?" Amen
brotha! Hebner back around, Shane hopping up and down - right hand.
Shane with another right. That one actually hurt his own hand.
Shane with a flip-flop-and-fly right hand. Shane off the ropes - but Rock
catches him in a spinebuster! People's Elbow coming up? Well, Vince is on
the apron - Rock over to give him an overhand elbow, unfortunately taking a
piece of Hebner in the process. H is in - PEDIGREE! H trying to raise
Hebner while Shane has him covered - could have counted to THIRTY by now.
Trademark Hebner count coming up ........ 1................
2.................. shoulder up! Crowd is strong and loud. Vince in the
ring with the title belt as Triple H ties up Hebner - Shane holding up the
Rock - but he kicks Vince, wriggles free of Shane, right hand - everybody
scatters - H hits Rock from behind, then hits a right, kicking and stomping
away and even Hebner has to see what's going on by now. So H turns around
and shoves him to the mat. Standing on Rock's neck, choke, repeated
rights, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, H holds on - so Rock pulls
him into ROCK BOTTOM! Cover, leg hooked, Hebner counts 1, 2, 3! (5:20)
Ummm, Triple H wasn't the opponent. Also Rock shouldn't be posing with the
belt so as to confuse the fans into thinking he's won it again. Oh well,
who cares. Credits are up, one last WWF logo and we'll see ya
Thursday...if not tomorrow!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman