by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Props both mad AND phat to Philippe Dufort-Langlois for watching my back!
BLATANT PLUG: Hey, if you like watching television shows that AREN'T
wrestling, you might be interested in visiting mightybigtv.com. They're good people.
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 17 5/8 (+ 7/8)
TONIGHT: Another night, another city, another sellout crowd, another
appearance by members of the McMahon-Helmsley Faction, another Undertaker
cycle ride, and another pyrotechnic display by Kane! Just take it on faith
there'll be some matches, 'cause we ain't sharin' with ya in THIS promo!
Hey, a little bonus for us tonight - HOT FICTIONAL KICKBOXING ACTION! My
money's on the guy that's got WALKER, TEJAS RANGER in his corner! Most
likely, after falling behind...and finding himself in slow-motion,
desperately needing to reach deep down within himself...
Oh, sure enough.
You know what would have helped this guy win quicker? If only he'd gone
OVER THE TOP!!
Hey, what kinda crazy world has live kickboxing simulcast on AM radio,
Oh, wait, here comes .... umm... that guy! You know, the black guy! He's
got the information that'll bust this case WIDE open! Oh...I don't like
the looks of this...kick him, Walker! KICK HIM!!
Eh, nuts to this. I'm fast forwarding!
Whoops, I STILL want to hear Chuck singing the theme song,
though...ahhhhhh. "'Cause that's where the Rangers' gonna be." *sniff* I
still get chills hearing it...
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF!
LAST THURSDAY: Vince gulped
The Three Musketeers are WALKING! MICHAEL KING COLE catches up to this
pack and tries to ask Mr. McMahon how Triple H feels about having to face
not one but three #1 Contenders. "What? Do you think I CARE how Triple H
feels? Had it not been for Triple H's *ego,* maybe we wouldn't be in this
mess, and besides...if people'd just start listening to ME around here, we
won't have these kinda problems." Vince starts off...then pauses to ask
why he's carrying his own bag. Brisco dutifully takes the bag...hey, wait,
that's a champion carrying the bag!
PYRO! SIGNS! WE ARE LIVE from the Unnamed Arena in Parts Unknown (but
presumed to be Rochester, NY) 5.6.2K on USA and possibly TSN - tonight -
RAW - IS - ...
THE NEW MAN & STEPHANIE ONO are ready to rumble, or words to that effect.
Triple H *does* have the belt back, at least. Ross may be the first
commentator for months to note aloud that Stephanie never defends the
Women's Championship. "Ass Hole" chant starts right up - this IS New York,
after all - and it's time to hear from the Champ. "I'm gonna say this
once...keep it shut! Y'know, never before in the history of the World
Wrestling Federation has this Championship belt meant so much to so many.
NEVER has this belt been so hotly contested. And you can't blame people, I
mean... ["Rock E!"] ...you can't blame everybody for wantin' a shot at it,
I mean - hell, if you get this, that means you beat the very best that
there is...and that's a hell of a claim. To be the best, because that's
what it's all about, and this championship belt right here means that you
are absolutely THE undisputed best that there is. And never before have so
many people wanted to be the absolute best. I mean, look at it like this:
right now, as of this moment, there are three #1 Contenders. You've
got...Kane. You've got the Undertaker. And of course, you've got the
Rock. Three of the very best EVER in the World Wrestling Federation. And
the common thread between the three is...they all have a dream, and that
dream is to stand in this ring and to be able to lay claim... ["Slut!"]
...that dream between the three of them is to stand in this ring and to be
able to lay claim to beating The Game and becoming the World Wrestling
Federation champion. Well, the competition might be fierce, but rest
assure, I thrive on it. The hotter it gets...the more I love it. You see,
because competition turns me on. But I'll tell ya what turns me off -
that's egos. Big, huge, inflated egos. Nothing bothers me more. Now I've
heard it said a few times by a couple of different people that maybe I have
a big ego. But the way I see it, I mean, realistically, hell, I should -
as a matter of fact, I should - as good as I am, I should have the biggest
ego on the planet! Hell, after all I am that damn good. But the fact of
the matter is, I don't, because the claim to the biggest ego on this planet
is reserved for just one man...and maybe you know who he is. He likes to
tell you how big his grapefruits are, and he just happens to be the
Chairman of the World Wrestling Federation. Steph, he just happens to be
your dad. The problem is, your old man's ego is so big it's becoming a
problem now. You see, I'm beginning to think that where we were three or
four months ago, the way we were thinking about taking over...maybe that
wasn't such a bad idea after all--" "No Chance in Hell" starts up and out
comes a not-altogether-pleased-yet-still-oh-so-slightly-swaggering
BILLIONAIRE VINCE. "Hello, Dad!" Vince swipes the mic from Triple H -
then pauses for an "Ass Hole" chant. "Do you hear what they're calling
you? Well, you know, I believe in the law of the jungle, literally. I
believe that one day the bigger, stronger, smaller will eat the weaker,
less fortunate, and that's the law of nature. I believe in that law. But
if you're thinking that maybe it's Your Time, Triple H - wrong! Think
again. Because, quite frankly, hearing you 'put yourself over' as to how
good you are, and you know what? You are pretty damn good - no question
about it. But the best thing I think you've ever done for your career -
two things. One, enter the World Wrestling Federation under my tutelage,
my guidance; and, without a doubt, the single biggest accomplishment you
have ever made in this business and in life is marrying my daughter
Stephanie. All I'm saying, Triple H, is don't get ahead of yourself, your
time may come, it may not - but just remember...I made you - I can break
you." Triple H swipes the mic back. "You made me, huh? Well, just
remember this, Dr. Frankenstein - you might have made the monster, but the
monster can take over any time he wants. And just remember this: it was
only a short time ago - December, I believe, at Armageddon - when I was
kickin' your ass all over these arenas." Vince goes to grab the mic but
Triple H shoves him in the puss. "I'm not done." Vince takes off his
jacket to a rising cheer. "Oh ho, you wanna go? Hold this. You wanna go,
old man? You wana go, huh? Your ass is on!" Vince gives Triple H
a shove - about now I'd expect to hear the Rock's music...oh, no, it's the
other obvious choice as SKIPPY sprints out to play peacemaker. Shane
proclaims both men's egos out of control, then turns his head ever so
slightly to feed the "Shane's a pussy" chant. Shane tells them that if
their egos hadn't been so big, there'd only be one #1 Contender instead of
three. Shane also slips in that perhaps HE should be running the
company--H and Vince each take turns pushing Shane's arm away. Shane,
reminding us that he's the Giant Killer, vows to kill some Giant egos - two
on one, no problem! Vince and H each land a right on Shane, who falls like
a ton of bricks. Stephanie gives a slap to her husband - and her father -
and then one for Shane for good measure. *Now* the music hits and LA ROCA
comes out to offer HIS take. Let that "Rock E" chant ring out. C'mon,
Rock, it's a two hour show. "Now the Rock doesn't see a family feud. The
Rock doesn't see the owner of a multimillion dollar company. The Rock
doesn't even see a WWF Champion. What the Rock does see is three of the
biggest steaming, stinking, smouldering pieces of monkey crap...all three,
all at one time, being slapped around by a walkin' two dollar slut! Now
the Rock realises that there are two other #1 Contenders for the WWF title,
but the fact of the matter is this - is that the Rock is the #1 Contender,
too. So having said that, the Rock says this - the Rock wants his title
shot, and he wants it...tonight." Crowd chants his name yet again. "Now,
you've left the Rock with two options. The first option is the Rock can go
in the back, relax and wait until you're ready to face the great one...or
option number....two." Rock starts walking down the ramp. "The Rock
figured he'd get right in the middle of the People's Ring and just whip
your candyass all over Rochester!" But before he gets to the floor, the
wall of flame ignites and here's THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE.
Is he gonna speak again? "Rock...you've got it all wrong. IIII am the #1
Contender. And IIIIII want MY title shot TONIGHT." He gets about three
steps before the "His Judgment Day is Now" video starts playing and out
walks (walks?) THE WHITE VISCERA. Is he chewing on a tebacky there? Eww.
"You know in all my years here, I don't think I've ever seen quite so many
assholes gathered in one place. Three #1 Contenders...hell, with allies
like that, you don't need any enemies, Triple H. Now you two guys, I know
you got issues, but see, I don't give a damn. Tonight, I want MY shot.
And you know, I don't really give a damn if the three of us and you,
Hunter, get it on all at one time." Bingo. "Is that right? Well, I'll
tell you what...what would you say if all three of you had a shot at Triple
H tonight?" Triple H seems to be the only one against this idea. "So I'll
tell you what we're gonna do - tonight, here In This Very Ring...we're
gonna see a Triple Threat Match - and that Triple Threat Match will
determine just who will be the *undisputed* #1 Contender...and that Triple
Threat will see Rock, Kane and Undertaker go at it. Oh, but it gets better
than that! Because the winner of that match, In This Very Ring tonight
will face the World Wrestling Federation champion, Triple H, for the title,
right here...tonight!" "No Chance in Hell" plays again as Triple H nods -
he'll be happy to take on a tired #1 Contender following a brutal Triple
Threat match. Hmm, I wonder how they'll screw THIS up...
SHAFT! Right on...
Moments Ago, the McMahons and Helmsleys had a bitchslapping contest
TOO COOL & RIKISHI v. V & T & A (THE VALLEY TRANSIT AUTHORITY?) (with Trish
Stratus - the fitness model) in six man action - Let Us Take You Back to
Heat, where Val Venis advanced in the KOR against Al Snow. Hotty and Test
startup - lockup, to the corner, Test wailing away with rights, into the
ropes, Scottty slides under and HE hits some rights. Into the
corner is reversed, boots up from Scotty, running clothesline, tag to
Sexay, gutshot, double dancing, double head to the mat, double pose, double
elbow. Hotty leaves the ring and Test quickly takes charge and tags to
Albert. Open kick. Albert grabs the hair to take his head to the buckle,
but fails to realise that that hair is detachable, and Sexay ain't going
along with that ride. Gutshot, right, right, Sexay puts his lid back on
(sans dreads), whips Albert, but it's reversed. Superkick halts the
charge. Sexay on the second rope - nice missile dropkick following the
dance moves. Two count, kickout with authority. Benoit/Dogg in a KOR
Qualifier tonight. Hardcore Holly vs. Faarooq as well. Press by Albert,
but Sexay drops down, clothesline is ducked, but not the next one. Tag to
Venis. Elbowdrop misses, Sexay tags in Rikishi, who does the house afire
bit on Venis, culminating in a Samoan Drop - T&A in, T&A down with a double
clothesline. Fat ass splash on Venis. Venis slumps down and assumes the
position. But before Rikishi can capitalise, Albert is up from behind with
a collision. Into Tests's big boot following that. Venis and Test kick
away on Rikishi while Albert distracts referee "Blind" Teddy Long. Into
the ropes, reversal, duck, Albert tries a Sunset flip but Rikishi fall on
him. Up - and a big buttdrop. Hey, how about one more. Albert rolls
away and tags in Venis. Sexay tagged in - scoop slam - dropkick for Test,
dropkick for Albert. Hotty in - double into the ropes, double clothesline
for Test. Double gutshot for Albert, double DDT following the finger
touch. Venis to Sexay - block, kick, powerbomb, cover...Test saves after
2. Hotty manages the bulldog on Test and makes the face. Let's skip this
bit where he does the Wurm and rejoin as Sexay hits the Hip Hop Drop -
only, there's no ref, as Long was outside dealing with THEM goin's on.
Albert pulls out Hotty as Stratus gets up on the apron and removes a blue
boot. Sexay is over to head her off, grabs the boot in one hand - and her
hair in the other. Boot for Test as he comes up from behind. Sexay
covers...but Long is STILL outside, now standing between Rikishi....and
Stratus?!? Spunky, ain't she? Meanwhile, IN the ring, Venis whacks Sexay
with a tag team title belt and covers. Long back in - 1, 2, 3. (4:47)
Rikishi cleans house following the match, getting all three men in the
corner for a big butt splash. Superkicks by Hotty AND Sexay for T&A -
before Rikishi can advance upon Venis, Stratus is back in and giving some
harsh words to Rikishi - a shove - now a slap (!) - Rikishi threatens a
shove, and Stratus flinches all the way back to the corner, ostensibly
knocking herself out. Stinkyface coming up! Play their music! Replays of
the belt shot and stinkyface. When we come back...King of the Ring
Qualifying - CONTINUES!
The WWF Rewind is brought to you by the Lorillard Tobacco Companies Youth
Smoking Prevention program! From SmackDown! Thursday, Benoit manages to
counter Sky-Hi to defend his title against D'Lo Brown.
Backstage, the six members of the McMahon-Helmsley Faction make up with
apologies - and a group hug. Hey, where are Pat Patterson's arms? By a
shocking coincidence, Gerald Brisco just HAPPENS to slam a door right into
a charging Crash Holly and chair.
KOR QUALIFYING MATCH: ROAD DOGG (with X-Pac and Tori - and "The Kings") v.
CHRIS BENOIT - "Cut the music!" Benoit's music IMMEDIATELY starts up.
Ross: "Sounds like cut the promo!" Lawler: "Whatever happened to manners
here in the World Wrestling Federation ? I wanted to hear what Road Dogg
had to say!" Ross: "He'll tell you later - something about two tears in a
bucket or something along those lines." Feeling out process to start -
Dogg happens to catch the eye of referee "Blind" Jack Doan so X-Pac trips
up Benoit by the ankle. Dogg stomps away, right, Benoit punches back -
into the ropes is reversed, Benoit ducks the clothesline, then baseball
slide dropkicks X-Pac. Dogg outside with a double axehandle, sledge, back
in the ring. Block, right by Benoit, right, right, into the ropes, Dogg
ducks the lariat, left, left, left, juke, jive, right misses, Benoit chops
him down. Another big chop. Into the ropes, back elbow. Snap suplex.
That's it, he say. Benoit goes up top - Tori climbs the apron, drawing
Doan over - yup, X-Pac is up to crotch Benoit on the top rope. Now THOSE
DAMN DUDLEYZ are out. Dogg gives Buh-Buh Ray a shot on the apron, but now
his back is to Benoit - one German suplex (mit bridge) later, and Benoit
moves on. (1:43) Post-match, Tori checks on Dogg - Buh-Buh Ray FINALLY
grabs Torri and while he's got her by the hair, D-Von is out to find some
furniture. The table is set up out on the floor and Buh-Buh Ray has Tori
in the position...but X-Pac manages a save at the last minute, with a
Golota. They run off while Buh-Buh Ray holds his Little Dick Dudley.
Michael King Cole asks Brisco how his relationship with Patterson has been
affected now that he has a belt and Patterson doesn't. Brisco says if
there's a man he can trust, Pat is it. We see Crash Holly scheming and
plotting. Unfortunately, he misses Patterson trying on the belt (while
Brisco tries on Patterson's snapping new cap) and miswaffles the wrong
Stooge from behind the curtain.
Commentators shill "Tommy Boy," airing tomorrow on USA. Pathetic.
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Kane and openly mocks him by using a lotta
big words. "In this match, there are no allies. And when it comes to the
WWF Championship, (hair flick) I don't have a brother."
CRASH HOLLY (with Scale Holly) hits the ring and demands the mic. He seems
unhappy. "Brisco! Get your big fat rear end - I promised my mom I
wouldn't be upset, I wouldn't get upset, so - Mr. Brisco, get out here and
wrestle me right now!" Instead, PAT PATTERSON emerges from behind the
curtain. "This mic is not workin', is it? Listen, ya little squirt - you
want the hardcore champion? Well let me bring 'im to you! Direct
from...direct from the Brisco's Body Shop in Taimpa, Florida (and folks,
it's worth the trip) here comes the best hardcore champion of all time,
GERALD BRISCO!" Did Patterson almost forget his lines? Brisco comes out
to "Real American," flexing all the way down. Holly leaves the ring to
come after him - Brisco turns around and tries to run away. Holly catches
him - shot to the back - run to the ring, off the mat, Crash covers on the
floor...but unfortunately, referee "Blind" Jim Korderas is out of position.
Brisco hops off and tries to climb the barricade - Crash catches him again
- head to the ringpost. Brisco put in the ring. Holly outside for plundah
- various and sundry items introduced into the ring. Brisco readies the
fire extinguisher as Holly comes back in. Good faceful of the CO2 - Brisco
goes into a war dance and breaks a broomstick on Crash's back. Shouldn't
have celebrated, though - Crash with the trashcan lid. Crash outside, got
a chair, and positioned it back in the ring. Brisco's head run into the
opposite turnbuckle, kick, kick, right, right, right, Patterson is back out
and HE gets a shot, and a few stomps - Brisco tries a charge from the
blindside but Holly steps aside and runs Brisco into the chair he'd
previously set up. Holly has Patterson's drawers (which Patterson
apparently brought to the ring with him - oh my) and now Brisco's got the
skid mark in the face. And....now he's wearing them. Right hand by Holly.
Head to the buckle. Holly with a stop sign, but Brisco gets the shoes up
and Holly's charge stops short. That's a full stop, yeah. Brisco covers -
Patterson piles on - 1, 2, 3. (2:26) What the HELL did we just see?
Crowd is reverently silent...well, they didn't chant "Boring," I guess.
Michael King Cole tries to get a reaction from Undertaker about Kane's
comments about having no brother. "Kane said that - (spit) - well Kane's
damn right." Man, Undertaker has some PRETTY hair! Kevin Nash is in BIG
Meanwhile, Rock - is - WALKING!
Whoa, haven't seen WCW turn the tables in a LONG while, but sure enough,
they snuck in a Great American Bash promo in the local slot
THE NEW MAN comes out to join our commentators, a pair of kings - LARRY
KING & JERRY LAWLER...and possibly to provide a run-in later in this
KANE (with RAW credits) v. KID ROCK'S FATHER (with TV-14-DLV ratings box &
Kid Rock's CD cover) v. LA ROCA in a Triple Threat #1 Contenders'
match - Undertaker and Rock slug it out, the Kane hits Rock from behind.
Are the brothers forming an alliance? Alternating back elbows in the
corner. Kane holding him for Undertaker - but Rock's trick knee acts up on
Kane and he starts punching Undertaker. Undertaker comes back with a whip
reversal - picking him up for a tombstone, but Rock wriggles free - Rock
Bottom! Kane over, block, right, right, into the ropes, Kane reverses -
choke - CHOKESLAM!! 1, 2, Undertaker BARELY beats the count in pulling him
down. Staredown - Kane SHOVES Undertaker and goes back to Rock -
Undertaker spins him around and wails away with rights. Clotheslined out
of the ring. Rock blocks, right, right, right, KISS THAT RIGHT! and
Undertaker goes outside. Kane grabs his head, to the apron, to the STEEL
steps, Rock out to join them - to Kane from behind. Kane's head hits the
commentary table. Kane stops a barricade ram, gutshot for Rock, and HIS
head is put to the barricade. Undertaker slowly over to join the fun...but
Triple H is up and grabbing Undertaker from behind - repeated rights to
Undertaker - head bouncing off the table. Rock puts Kane into the STEEL
steps, but Undertaker comes to and starts unleashing rights on Rock. Rock
put back in the ring - Undertaker gives Triple H a shot while he's out
there. H has his chair - WHACK to the back of the Undertaker - and a shot
to Kane's head as he comes over to grab him. Kane staggers backwards,
where Rock awaits - Rock Bottom! 1, 2, 3! (3:44) Triple H hits the ring
and gives ROCK a chair to the head - then stands over him with his belt.
Play his music, he's outta here before Rocky comes to! Undertaker gives a
"you'll rue the day" look the champions way. Kane looks like he always
looks. Rock tries to get up - NO - HE'S *SELLING* THE CHAIRSHOT!!!!!!!!
Quick take me to an ad break - I need air!
Hey, is that Jean-Claude Van Damme...or Chris Gaines?
Big Show eats some - RAVIOLI!
Moments Ago, this happened - and that - and wow, that too
THA GODFATHA & DEAN MALENKO (with eight - no, FOUR women) v. EDDIE GUERRERO
& THAT SLUT CHYNA - Didn't we see this match three or four times already?
Let Us Take You Back to Heat One More Time Where The Ubiquitous Lead Pipe
Gave Chyna The Duke In The KOR Qualifier - Godfather and Guerrero battling
as we come back to live action - it's all Godfather - there's that legdrop
where he has to spin around first - goo-FEE. Malenko holding Guerrero in
his corner while Godfather warms up his Ho Train - but too close to Chyna,
who pulls him down by the hair. Guerrero with a back elbow to escape
Malenko, but running into a clotheslinen from Godfather. Stomp, tag.
Stomp, forearm, off the ropes, taking Guerrero up for a deep armdrag,
Guerrero attempting to hold on a counter, body scissors, wheelbarrow suplex
by Malenko. Stomp, into the ropes, Guerrero snaps off his 'rana (and
accidentally gets kicked in the head for his troubles). Subway brings the
Double Feature as Chyna is tagged in. Malenko ducks the clothesline,
gutshot, double underhook, Chyna counters, gutshot, double leg by Malenko,
setting up the Tejas cloverleaf, but he breaks it, seeing Guerrero com in -
tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Back around and into a clothesline from Chyna.
Kicks in the corner, to the opposite corner, handspring elbow, Guerrero
with an apron clothesline, tagged in, rolling senton(tm), dropkick for the
Godfather, Malenko to the head, into the ropes, head down, kick by
Guerrero, dueling hiptosses off the ropes and Guerrero ends up over the top
to the floor...and into a pile of ho's. Godfather breaks it up...AND Chyna
is over to ask her man wassup. Before THAT develops, Malenko has him back
in the ring by the hair. Suplex into the ring is countered, go behind,
waistlock reversal, two back elbows from Guerrero, off the ropes, Malenko
tries the tilt-a-whirl again, but Guerrero holds on for an inside cradle
(whacking Malenko's head on the way down in the process) - 1, 2, 3! (2:54)
Guerrero begs for forgiveness - and gets it. Hardcore Holly and Faarooq
KOR QUALIFYING MATCH: HARDCORE HOLLY v. ACOLYTE FAAROOQ - Subway
brings you King of the Ring in three weeks! Earlier Tonight, Chris Benoit
advanced - we'd show you a replay but this match is already underway.
(Translation: somebody didn't get their cue) Faarooq pounding away, KO
right, into the ropes, Holly ducks and hits the Best Dropkick in the
Business. Staying on him, into the ring, Faarooq reverses - spinebuster -
1, 2, no. Holly sent into the corner HARD. Karate chops by Faarooq. Into
the opposite corner, big powerslam, Holly kicks out at 2. Faarooq puts
Holly through the ropes to the outside, then has some words with referee
"Blind" Teddy Long. Holly to the apron, and Faarooq ready to bring him in
the hard way. Holly manages to slip the suplex attempt, however, and
there's a schoolboy - but only 2. Big clothesline by Faarooq - 1, 2, no.
Faarooq mat wish to consider hooking the leg - like Holly is doing with
that inside cradle. HE gets 2. Clothesline by Faarooq. Holly put outside
again - this time Faarooq follows. Into the barricade. Faarooq puts Holly
in the STEEL steps. Holly put back in the ring, and Faarooq gets back in
himself. "His ass is mine now!" Bringing Holly up for the Dominator, but
Holly follows through and lands on his feet - gutshot, Hollycaust! 1, 2,
3!!! (3:04) Faarooq is a bit pissed off - I think - his face ALWAYS looks
like that, though. Holly advances.
Meanwhile, Edge, Christian and Kurt Angle are WALKING!! "I know you guys
are really upset, and I'm sorry that midget hit you in the genitals and
cost you the tag team titles, but if we defeat Chris Jericho and the Dudley
Boyz tonight, if we are successful - I got good word (yeah?), I got
excellent authority (yeah?), I mean, there is no doubt about this guys (uh
huh?) that we will have defended the honour of Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley.
(D'oh! And?) And I'm sure she'll be in a pretty good mood and she'll give
you guys another tag team title shot. (Ahhh! Excellent!) You know I beat
Bradshaw last week!"
RC Edge Maximum Power cola delivers Maximum Power! Joe C. delivers a shot
to the nuts with a hockey stick.
EDGE & CHRISTIAN & KURT ANGLE v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO & THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ
- Ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA announces Edge & Christian as the WWF tag
team champions. Ross, in a shocking display of awareness, corrects her by
saying they're the *former* champions. "Attention, citizens of Rochester!
This city is SO known for three things - it's home of the best chili dog in
New York, (three years in a row) - it's home of the Rochester...well I
don't know what team plays here, or even what sport they play, but I'm sure
they're pretty good. And third, and most important, it's the home of Kodak
film!" Crowd pretty much ignores all this trying to get some chick to show
her tits. "You know, Your Olympic Hero finds it very ironic that the Kodak
moment originated in a town with such...unattractive people - it's true!
It's true." "So, for the benefit of those with flash photography - or, in
this town's case, for the benefit of those with teeth - we will give you a
TRUE Kodak moment - for five seconds only!" All three men spread their
arms wide and flash winning smiles. No mic time for Jericho - instead he
raises the sign of 3D - and the Dudley Boyz come out together with him.
Jericho and Edge start - gutshot by Edge, right, right, right, into
the ropes, duck, chop by Jericho, chop, chop, into the ropes is reversed,
flying jalapeno by Jericho - Christian comes in, gutshot, bulldog,
springboard dropkick for Angle on the apron - double leg for Christian, but
instead of putting on the Walls of Jericho, Edge is back in to break it up
and take control. BIG ol' "Y2J" chant for a massively over Jericho. Edge
punching Jericho, tag to Angle, who punches Jericho. Jericho kicks back,
Angle punches again, into the ropes, clothesline. Cover, leg hooked, 2.
Tag to Christian, open shot, into the ropes, powerslam gets 2. Choke. "We
want table!" Tag to Edge, scoop and slam, stereo headbutts, Edge covers
for 2. Jericho chops back. Wooooo! Into the ropes, Edge holds on and the
dropkick misses. Edge catapults Jericho into the turnbuckle. Edge over to
the Dudleyz, drawing them in just enough to ensure that referee "Blind"
Jack Doan is occupied trying to keep them outside. Jericho put in a bad
neighbourhood and the tripleteam is on behind the ref's back. Lots of open
shots for Angle. Right hand, into the ropes, Jericho kicks, double
underhook into a backbreaker. Crawling for the tag - but Angle holds the
ankle. Jericho tries to kick away. Nope. Into the corner, boot up by
Jericho - dropkick off the second rope - AGAIN, reaching for the tag - got
Buh-Buh Ray! You go down, now you, back body drop, full nelson buttdrop
for Christian, Bubba Cutter for Edge, DDT for Angle, leg hooked, 1, 2, save
by Christian. I am SHOCKED that he tried to pin the LEGAL man. I love
that. D-Von is in and Edge is out. Dudleyz doubleteaming Christian - I
have a feeling 3D is coming up - no, Edge trips up Christian off the ropes,
then pulls him outside. D-Von follows, but he's still just one and they're
two. Angle sneaks in the ring behind Buh-Buh Ray's back and hits the
Olympic Slam. Buh-Buh Ray is ALSO the legal man! 1, 2, 3! THEY WERE BOTH
THE LEGAL MEN FOR THEIR TEAM! DO YOU HAVE *ANY* IDEA HOW FUCKING COOL THAT
IS??? (4:10) By the way, Eric Bischoff still hates tag team wrestling.
Vince Russo doesn't mind as long as it's a mixed tag. The face take their
revenge post-match as Jericho puts Angle in the Walls of Jericho while a
table is found - there's 3D (Dudley Death Drop) through that table in a
highly-contrived spot - but nobody seems to care. I'm still basking in the
afterglow of one legal man pinning the other one, so I'll let this go. A
WrestleMania main event for free? I'll believe it when I see it - but
apparently, it's COMING UP!
Moments Ago, Kurt Angle was put through a table. Can we PLEASE get away
from using the word "orgasmic" in the associated commentary?
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol (buy some and get the "Best of
SummerSlam video!), Norelco, and Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli!
HARDY BOYZ v. BULL BUCHANAN & BIG BOSS MAN - Lilian Garcia manages to make
it through the introductions without identifying either team as the current
WWF tag team champions. Somebody will ask me why Buchanan & Boss Man are
on this late in the show and I'll respond "because the Hardyz wrestling
themselves may draw attention away from the big main event coming up."
Jeff and Boss Man start. Lockup, Bossman with uppercuts. Big ol' rights.
Into the ropes, Hardy ducks and slides under to the outside, Boss Man
follows. Hardy with a blind tag on his way back in - Matt attacks from
behind, into the corner, all fours side kick by Jeff, Buchanan in with a
clothesline for Matt behind referee "Blind" Tim White's back. Right,
right, left, right, left, into the ropes, big boot, off the ropes, stomp,
tagging Boss Man back in - into the ropes, double back elbow. Boss Man
covers - kickout at 2. Kneelift. Boss Man working over Matt as we look
backstage to see Lita watching on a monitor - with a concerned look on her
face. Matt whipped hard into the corner. Stomp on the hand. Tag to
Buchanan. Head to the buckle. Buchanan scoops up Matt - backbreaker
across the knee - scissored legdrop misses - tag to Jeff - top rope -
crossbody hits but Boss Man is on his way over - drop toehold for HIM,
elbowdrop to the back by Matt, Jeff on Buchanan with a Ten Punch Count
Along, but at six Buchanan dumps him over the top to the floor. Meanwhile,
Matt is trying to hit the Twist of Fate on the Boss Man, but he shoves him
into a clothesline of Buchanan - Matt sidesteps the folowup charge and the
tag team partners collide in the corner. Matt punches Boss Man through the
rope as Buchanan collapses into position for Jeff to come back in and hit
the swanton bomb - 1, 2, 3! BOTH MEN WERE LEGAL!!!!!! THIS IS THE
GREATEST SHOW IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lita gives a "yeah"
backstage. SHE knows who the legal men were. (2:40) Buchanan gives Boss
Man a shove post match - words are exchanged. ANOTHER shove by Buchanan.
Boss Man waits for him to turn to walk away - and then he BRAINS him with
the nightstick! I do believe we have trouble in paradise.
"No screwups tonight - all right? I don't want anybody out there.
I don't want you out there, I don't want you out there--" "Whoa, whoa,
whoa...we tried that before." "Yeah, well listen to me. I wanna prove to
the world one more time that I am The Game. I'm gonna beat Rock on my own,
understand? I don't want you, you, none of you - I want nobody out there.
You listenin' to me? Promise me nobody's out there."
Michael King Cole stands with Triple H - and almost misses his cue! Ahh,
Stephanie's with him, too. Cole reminds him that asking the Faction to
stay back didn't work on Thursday; did he mean it tonight? H says he never
says anything he doesn't mean - then he repeats all the stuff he said
before the break. Cole breaks that there's a special guest referee in this
match tonight. "Who's the special referee?" "Earl Hebner." Pause. H
says it won't matter; all he'll have to do is count three. Cole asks
Stephanie for a quick word as they take off. Triple H is possibly the
fightingest champion in the history of the WWF, while she's NEVER defended
HER belt. "Who the hell are you to tell me when and whom I should defend
my title against? Besides, Triple H is going to face the #1 Contender
tonight - I don't HAVE a #1 Contender!" Cole tries to bring up some viable
possibilities, but he's interrupted by IVORY and JACQUELINE who each make
little yapping noises until Stephanie schedules a Women's Battle Royale for
SmackDown! - with the winner to be named #1 Contender and ALSO receive a
title shot later that night.
Hey look! The Rock is PACING AROUND!!
You know, I was PRAYING there was one more set of ads before this main
event! Well, at least I got two see two more ads for "Shaft."
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: LA ROCA v. THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) - Challenger
enters first - ohhhhhhhhhhh ohhh oh ohhhhh oh. Seriously though, the WWF
is damned if they do and damned if they don't here. If they DO actually
have this match complete with clean finish, I'd be well within my rights to
bitch at them for giving this potential WrestleMania main event away for
free; on the other hand, any kinda screwy finish pretty much deserves some
general bitching as well. Rock brings in H over the top rope by the hair
in mid-pose and we're on. Clothesline, HARD right (mistake?), right, out
of the corner is reversed, Rock with a clothesline, right, right, into the
opposite corner is reversed and H flies over the top to the floor. Rock is
out after him. Right, right, head to the STEEL steps, head to the
commentator's table, head to the ringpost, Rock pulls the top off the table
and forcibly removes a monitor. Rock with a right, H on the table, H with
a right, right, off the table but he's caught on the way down - H elbows
out of the Rock Bottom attempt, but gets backdropped onto the table as he
charges him. Rock is over - head to the tabletop, again, legs spread,
punch in the jimmy, H rolls off to the floor. H put in the barricade -
clothesline ducked, H manages a neckbreaker. H rolls into the ring - and
as referee "Blind" Earl Hebner goes back in, HE rolls back out. Rock put
shoulder-first into the STEEL steps. H back into the ring - and back out
again. Off the apron with a sledge to the head. Rock rolled back in the
ring, and H follows. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, H stands on the neck and
Hebner ignores putting on a count and instead pulls H off of Rock by the
hair. Words exchanged between the champ and the referee. H turns back to
the Rock and finds that he's let him recover - right by the Rock, right,
right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, duck, high knee by H,
clothesline by H, cover, 1, 2, no! H mounts Rock and throws four right
hands. Vertical suplex coming up - and there we go. H with a
crotch chop and running kneedrop. Leg hooked - only 2! H tries another
cover - another 2. Another cover - and one more 2. H argues the cadence
while the crowd chants "Rock E." Right cross from the champion. Rock
brought to his feet, and another right hand puts him down. H goes outside
- climbing the corner in typical Flair-esque fashion - and just as you'd
expect, Rock pops up and beals him across the ring because THAT MOVE NEVER
WORKS! HEY! Ross stole my line! Rock's whip is reversed, but Rock holds
on - ersatz swinging neckbreaker! Right, off the ropes, Samoan Drop - leg
hooked - 1, 2, NO!! Rock still on him, right, into the ropes, but H hits
the facebuster and now both men are down and out. Triple H looks to be up
first despite the big ol' "Rock E" chant from the crowd. H again has words
for Hebner - shove - Hebner shoves back, into a rollup from the Rock - 1,
2, H kicks out! Clothesline by the Rock as the rest of the HOLLYWOOD
SQUARES trickle out. Shane up on the apron - Hebner shoves HIM to the
floor! Both men back up - Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine,"
again, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! Over with a punch for X-Pac, one
for Road Dogg, one for Shane, double leg takedown for H - oh, guess that
was a spinebuster - and now it looks like there's nobody left to trip him
up on those two sides so he WILL hit - the People's Elbow! Cover - leg
hooked - 1, 2, X-Pac pulls Hebner out of position! Hebner with a kick that
takes X-Pac down HARD to the floor! Dogg up on the apron - Hebner having a
chat with HIM, setting up a reversed whip into a big ol' collision - Rock
to Hebner to Dogg to the floor. Gutshot, DDT by the Rock. Everybody hits
the ring and gets some licks in on the Rock - a chair is fed to Triple H,
but before he can utilise it, out comes UNDERTAKER & KANE - it's ass
kickin' time! Punches all around! Kane has Vince in a choke while
Undertaker has X-Pac - Shane on Undertaker's back, Triple H over to try to
chair Kane - Kane gets H in the choke, letting Vince go - chokeslam! Rock
grabs the chair and swings for Shane, but Dogg pulls him off of
Undertaker's back at JUST the right moment - and Rock hits Undertaker with
the chair! 'taker turns around, feels some furious anger and chokeslams
Rock (!), then stomps on Triple H. To the outside, where Undertaker levels
X-Pac, Road Dogg and Shane for good measure. Meanwhile, Triple H has
crawled over and gotten an arm on Rock - Hebner just conscious enough to
make a trademark slow count - 1....2.......3. (9:32) Undertaker walks
into the ring and puts H outside with one uppercut. Ross: "We started the
night with three #1 Contenders - and now we have none!" The Faction walks
off - H raising the belt as high as he can as they all back up the ramp -
somebody got Vince and Brisco pretty good with some water. Kane,
Undertaker and Rock are left in the ring - but our last shot is a
victorious Triple H up on the stage. Hey, that ruled. Well, for me,
anyway. Good stuff.
Hey, how come they haven't released the "Farm Club Jam" as a single yet?
"It's the mutha(mute) Farm Club!"
Christopher Robin Zimmerman