by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
Hey STc, I'll miss ya - ya ol' BASTARDS
BLATANT PLUG: So if you're in the mood for some wrestling humour, and
you've read everything on ScoopThis.com three or four times, click over on
OUR so-called SPORT dot com.
If I can get ten more people turned onto this site, John said he'd send me
a set of steak knives *and* a coupon for a free Undertaker soupbone, so you
can see how I'd jump into full-on shill mode for them...
PUBLIC APOLOGY: I slept through my appearance on "In This Very Ring." You
would think I wouldn't do that sort of thing, but I did. I think we've
tried for THREE months to get me over there on WRJN but there's some sort
of planetary misalignment or deep delayed jetlag or *something.* Actually,
I thought it was THIS week instead of LAST week, and I've lost the email
contact and they had no way to reach me and and and... Anyway, the world
might have been better off - although, in my sleep, I'm STILL a better
guest than...oh, I'm just asking for trouble.
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 21 1/8 (+ 1/8)
I GET LETTERS: Jason COULDN'T be making this up: Hey,
Just wanted to let you know. Last Monday on Raw, when Steven Richards came
out during the Luna/Trish match, it was the first time I heard his
It was also the first time my dog, a longtime wrestling fan as well, heard
it. Well, the noise sent Busco [my dog] into a seizure. It was a good
twenty minutes long, and I had to calm him down. I didn't give much a care
about Raw, but still.
So, I guess that the PTA theme song needs a warning ahead of it.
Of course, this could lead to a funny plot turn, where Steven has to
censor his own music. Something about "seizures in household animals."
Oh, and of course: "Fuck you, WWF."
That one was for my dog.
TONIGHT: The Commissioner is back in town, and this ain't no Thin Lizzy
song! Lookit this CRAZY picture of the Rock in the Crippler Crossface!
Will we repeat it - LIVE - TONIGHT?
"To Be Continued?" What the hell is THIS crap? Screw it, I'm NEVER
watching "Walker, Texas Ranger" EVER again-- oh, wait a minute
One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV - WWF!
By golly, this Special Video Look is starting to convince me that ol' Chris
Benoit's got the Rock's number!
(well, not really)
Opening (close captioned logo) Credits
BOOM! LIVE from the Pepsi Arena in Albany, NY 17.7.2K on the USA Network
(and maybe on TSN) it's WWF RAW - is - UNOPPOSED! Hey, I hear there's a
pay-per-view this Sunday - I wonder if they'll mention that tonight
Here's a quick shot of the crowd at WWF New York
Wasting no time, COMMISSIONER FOLEY is out to give us a little jetlagspeak
of his own. "One thing's for sure-- ["Fo Ley!"] Thank you, thank you. I
gotta tell ya, one thing is for sure, they love the WWF in Southeast Asia!
But, as much as they love it, I'd like to say it sure is good to be back in
the good old USA!" Lawler: (muttering) "Thinks he's the Patriot now."
"You know, ah, I like a cheap pop as much as the next guy, I haven't done
this in about ten years, so why don't you all join me in by saying 'USA!
USA!'" Crowd complies. "Speaking of cheap pops, as much as enjoy being
back in the USA, it is definitely great to be back in Albany, New York!
(thumbs up) Thank you, I appreciate that - but there were certain things I
did not appreciate after reviewing last week's RAW. I did not appreciate
Triple H bending my authority...I did not appreciate him beating the crap
out of Chis-Chris Jericho. And even though Chris is not scheduled to be
here tonight, I did have a chance to speak to him, and he said he can't
wait to get his hands on Triple H at Fully Loaded! (Ross: "That's this
Sunday on pay-per-view!") But Chris also said he wanted a special type of
match - a Last Man Standing match - a type of match that is so barbaric
that the only way to win is to inflict a state of unconsciousness upon your
opponent. So, after sitting back for about two seconds, and visualising
Triple H in a state of inc-unconsciousness, I said 'you got it - a Last Man
Standing match at Fully Loaded!' And speaking of other things that I did
not appreciate--" The UNDERTAKER interrupts here, riding out on his
Beautiful Titan Bike - as if by magic, all the STEEL steps have
mysteriously turned themselves on end and positioned themselves out of the
way of his lap around the ring! It's *uncanny!* "Now, Mick, me 'n' you,
we go back a lotta years and a lotta wars, right? So I guess you could say
you probably know me pretty well." "I know you pretty well, I could say
that." "Well, then you of all people oughta know I don't appreciate the
disrespect Kurt Angle has shown me lately. I didn't appreciate when he
cost Kane and I the tag team titles...I didn't appreciate it when he a
bunch of crap all over my bike...and then, he tries to offer some weak
excuse, a scooter and some LAME apology, just so I don't beat him up. You
know, I think that boy's yellow. He's scared; you know that, right?" "I
know, I know." "But the thing I appreciate the least is when that little
(beep) hit me in the head with a sledgehammer." "Well, ah, 'taker, maybe
there's something I can do to make all this right to you." "Let me tell
you what you're gonna do, Mick. You are gonna make a match here, tonight,
with me and Kurt Angle." "Now--" "And Mick, if you don't make the match,
I'm gonna walk back there, I'm gonna find him, and I'm gonna hurt that boy.
And I'm gonna hurt him bad." "You listen here, you're trying to intimidate
me - it worked..." Well, it's been nine minutes, let's bring out KANE.
Say, I bet in two or three minutes, Triple H might come out, then two or
three minutes later, the Rock might come out. Then ... then *Tom Brandi*
will come out! Man, it'll be WILD! The crowd will go NUTS for Tom
Brandi!! Tom Brandi! Tom...Tom.....eh, screw it. Let's listen to Kane.
"So you think you've seen anarchy and chaos? Well you ain't seen' NOTHIN'
until you see what I do tonight! You ain't SEEN anarchy and chaos! But
you'll see it all through this building unless you give my brother what he
wants!" Umm, wasn't he already... "Wait, wait a second. Listen, while
you two guys were scaring the hell out of me, I got an idea in my head that
I certainly would like to see Kurt Angle In This Very Ring tonight, I got
to thinkin' that if m--" On the EntertainmentTron appears Kurt Angle.
"Uh, hello? Excuse me? Hey guys - hello! I'm sorry to interrupt, but
again, I would like to point out, as far as hittin' you in the head with a
sledgehammer, Undertaker, I am *really* sorry about that. I mean, I
thought the singing telegram I sent you this week was pretty clear on that,
I mean nobody wanted to see that happen (especially me), almost as much as
nobody wants to see you and me fight at Fully Loaded! What I'm trying to
say is...I had no intentions of hitting you in the head with a
sledgehammer. I was going for Triple H!" "Hey Kurt - Kurt - first off,
let me say that nobody appreciates your Olympic accompsh - accomplishments
more than I do. Second off, I'd like to say nobody can understand wanting
to hit Triple H with a sledgehammer more than me! But I'm inclined to make
a tag team contest tonight...pitting Kane and the Undertaker against you
and your new-found good-time party buddy, Triple H!" The Fun Brothers each
raise a fist - *they'll* take it. And now, the EntertainmentTron splits.
"Mick - hey - Foley! Now I know that, uh, you and I don't always see eye
to eye - I know you got a problem with me. Foley, I know you probably hate
me more than anybody. I mean, hell, you should - I've beaten you bloody
all across this country and back. I mean, after all - I am the guy that
made it possible that you never, ever wrestle another match again as long
as you live, so I know you hate me - but I mean, come on, Mick - you can do
what you want. Sunday at Fully Loaded you can book me in a Last Man
Standing match with Chris Jericho; that's just fine. But tonight, you
wanna book me in a - a handicap match, you wanna book me in a steel cage
match, you wanna book me in a handicap steel cage match, whatever - I don't
care. But Foley, I'm beggin' ya - I'm pleading with you - please - do not
make me team up with this Olympic twerp." "Twerp? I don't think I'm a
twerp! I don't think these people here tonight, who don't have the common
sense to move the heck out of this decrepit town out of All-banny don't
think I'm a twerp. And to be honest with you, Triple H, I don't think your
wife thinks I'm a twerp either, and that...is true." "I'll tell you what -
you don't hold up your end of this match tonight, and you're gonna get the
same thing as Jericho, you're gonna end up a beaten, bloody mess in that
ring. And, uh, as far as that goes, Angle, Foley, Kane, 'Taker, just like
this Sunday, when it's said and done, I will be the Last Man Standing,
because I am that damn good. And that, jackass - it's true. Oh yeah, it's
true." "Well, it looks like we got ourselves a hell of a tag team match
here--" "If ya smelllll...." God, does it ever END? Here's LA ROCA to
make sure we bracket this quarter hour. Oof. Since I have a
minute, I have to tell you that Angle's facial expressions while Helmsley
was talking were quite choice - they were - they were. "Now, Mick, seeing
as you're in the mood to give the people what they want - the People's
Champ has a one word request - no! A one word demand: Benoit. Now the
Rock already knows that in six days at Fully Loaded he's got Benoit for the
WWF title, but considering how the Rock feels tonight, the Rock says it's
gonna be the Rock - Benoit - WWF title match - tonight." "Now wait a
second, Rock, I guess I see a growing trend here - as much as I'd like to
see that matchup tonight--" For Christ's sake, it's the World Entrance
Federation! CHRIS BENOIT leads and BIG SKIPPY & EDGE & CHRISTIAN follow.
"It doesn't matter to me - you wanna put the title on the line tonight?
That's great! Let's look at what I've done to you over the past several
weeks. Every time I put you in the Crossface, hehehehehehehehe...I love to
hear the Rock SQUEEEEEEEAL! Squeal, Rock! Whether I win the title
tonight, or Sunday, one way or another you will submit - a tap out -
because I'm the greatest technical wrestler in the WWF today! And I will
be the next WWF Champion! Prove me wrong, Rock!" Shane: (as Rock) "Rock
it doesn't MATTER if it's tonight...or if it's this Sunday at Fully Loaded,
because you are looking at the next World Wrestling Federation champion in
Chris Benoit - if ya smelllll--" "Wait wait wait wait - hold on there sport
- you don't rip off the Rock's catchphrases - only *I* can rip off the
Rock's catchphrases! It just doesn't sound cool when you do it. So get
the picture straight, Shane, *I* call the shots around here - not you. *I*
make the matches - not you. Let me put it this way, Shano: think of it
this way, I'm Tony Soprano, and you're the guy who cleans the toilets at
the Bad-da-bing, understand? But look, I can't help but notice that you
brought your three Canadian friends out here, didn't ya? How ya doin',
guys?" "Thank you for asking...because we're feeling TOTALLY better,
Mick!" "Ya know, not 'ready to defend our titles' better, but...we're
better nonetheless!" "So you're not ready to defend those titles, huh?
Guys, there were a lotta times during my career where I may have had a - a
case of the sniffles or a bad back and didn't feel like wrestling, but I
always did, and do you know why? Because I had something...and still
do...that apparently you two gentlemen lack, that being a set of testicles.
(There ya are, ya little rascals!) But you know what, I understand you
don't feel like you can defend the tag team belts, but I kinda wanta give
the fans here a preview of the tag team match against the Acolytes that you
will have at Fully Loaded so what I'm gonna do is book for us, right here
In This Very Ring tonight, a six man tag team championship match - a six
man match pitting the two of you and Chris Benoit against the
Acolytes...and their partner, the Rock!" "That's just fine with me, 'cause
tonight is just gonna be a samplin' of what's gonna happen at Fully
Loaded." "Well, Chris Benoit, the Rock says this: how 'bout I come up
there and give you a sample asskicking all over Albany!" Rock walks up the
ramp despite the fact there are four guys up there - he gets in a few shots
on Benoit before the other three take over - now Benoit and Rock are locked
up and trading blows. The refs and officials come out and separate them as
Rock gets in the ring and makes his "blinking hand" motion. Play his
music! So, it took 22 minutes, but we've got two matches set up.
Moments Ago - please, do we REALLY need to extend this period of
non-wrestling-ness? It's like there's no show over on TNT or something--
THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ v. HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) in a "loser can't use the word
'Boyz' anymore" match - Hey, you know that "Your table is ready" shot would
make a damn fine poster - you know the one I'm talking about? Yeah, that
one. Hardyz decide to rush the ring and we're quickly off to the races
with a Pier Four brawl. Jeff tossed outside, and he manages to catch about
four different body parts on the bottom rope on his way out. D-Von working
on Matt in the corner - to the opposite corner, boot up - Matt to the
second rope, D-Von punching - meeting him up there - Hardy shoving him off
- superlegdrop (which we are now to call "the Drop Shot"), tag to Jeff.
Into the opposite corner, Matt on all fours for the leg lariat. 1, 2,
kickout. Jeff's whip is reversed, big back elbow by D-Von. Tag to Buh-Buh
Ray, holding him for the open shot. Right hand. In the corner, Dudley
rips off Jeff's shirt, not only to accentuate these open-handed slaps, but
to make the girls scream. Dudley acting heelish tonight - the crowd
doesn't seem to care. Into the ropes, biiiiig back body drop by Dudley.
Shot for Matt to distract referee "Blind" Jim Korderas. Jeff on Dudley's
back in the piggyback ride - punching away on him but no effect - walking
over to his corner where D-Von is perched - big clothesline, Devastation
Device style. Matt is over - but into a scoop and slam from Buh-Buh Ray -
now holding him for the "headbutt to the graun" spot. Both Dudleys end up
outside as D-Von does the war dance. "D-Von...get the table!" Each Dudley
gets outside the ring on opposite sides - each man finds a table. Buh-Buh
Ray sets his up at the base of the ramp as D-Von brings his in the ring.
Whoops, here's STEVEN RICHARDS walking out with Buh-Buh Ray's table. D-Von
decides to go after him while Buh-Buh Ray watches from the bottom of the
ramp. Meanwhile, the Hardyz have found a ladder and added THAT to the
ring. Buh-Buh Ray turns around to eat a plancha from Matt. D-Von back,
punching away on Matt - this would be where Jeff runs the barricade - holy
shit, I'm wrong...Jeff is ON THE LADDER in the ring and ready to dive - the
ladder is ready to go the other way as Jeff springs off and almost falls
short of the pile below. And NOW, here comes T&A and TRISH STRATUS - THE
FITNESS MODEL to surprise Lita from behind. As the four people in this
match find themselves with nothing settled (no contest 3:15), Lita is
deposited in the ring as Test and Albert position the ladder and
table *in* the ring. Test has Lita in the powerbomb position - Albert says
no, no - we want Trish on the ladder. Lita is placed on the table and
Trish (no WAY) climbs the ladder. But the Hardyz pull off T&A and scrap
with them on the floor. Lita starts to come to, so Stratus starts back
down the ladder (boooo!) Lita climbs the other side of the ladder and
grabs her by the hair....back up to the top, but Stratus is fighting back -
and now shoving Lita backwards and THROUGH THE TABLE!! Stratus gets off
the ladder and celebrates with her team. The Hardyz tend to Lita and call
for some help. Stratus' breasts look even *more* frightening tonight. The
EMT's are out...let's take a break
Moments Ago - boy that ladder wobbled a lot - Lita wanted the superplex off
the top of the ladder, but Stratus said "are you nuts?"
During the Break, Lita took the stretcher ride
And now back live, Lita shrugs off the collar, telling the Hardyz "I'm
gonna get that (beep)."
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: THA GODFATHA (with ten - no, five ladies) v.
THE LETHAL WEAPON STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - Hey, Godfather's
just a fun lovin' guy who loves to have fun - AND SMOKE WEED. Sign in
crowd: "FEAR THE MULLET" - yer DAMN right. No sooner has the crowd said
"Pimpin' ain't easy" than STEVEN RICHARDS comes out again. "What is it
with you people? Don't you know right from wrong?" "Ass hole!" "You sit
there and you cheer for violence. You sit there and you cheer for
indecency. Worst of all, you sit there and cheer for the Godfather and his
ho's! Can somebody tell me where our morals have gone? The - the
Godfather and the producers of this show are corrupting the moral fibre of
the youth of America - and it's wrong! Can you people hear me? It's
wrong!! Godfather...you cannot have scantily-clad women accompany you to
ringside. Because it's indecent and it's totally unacceptable! And I will
continue to censor you and your lady friends, because quite frankly, you do
not know any better." "Hey, Stevie! I do know one thing...that your
censorin' behind is costin' me the Hardcore title right now! So I tell you
what, my brotha - why don't you bring your conscience - bring all your high
morals - bring your butt in this ring, and we'll show you what we think of
your censorship!" "Godfather...violence has never solved anything. And
besides, I refuse to soil my hands with the likes of you. Unless it was
self-defense." "Well I tell you what, boy - you better start defending
yourself!" Godfather chases after Richards - who bolts. Godfather makes
the mistake of turning his back after getting to the top of the
ramp...oops. BULL BUCHANAN punks him out from behind - hmmm, he looks a
bit different...must be the white short sleeved dress shirt and
tie...saaaay, he looks like Richards! They fight down the ramp, back and
forth - Buchanan putting Godfather into the ring hard - now in the ring -
whip is reversed, but Buchanan hits his "will he won't he" no-hands climb
up the corner into a flying clothesline. There's a scissors kick.
Richards is back out and herding the women away. What *I* wanna know is
where the heck is Steve Blackman in all this? Richards and the women take
off - now Buchanan is taking off. Godfather staggers around at ringside.
*Where is Steve Blackman???*
MICHAEL KING COLE asks Kurt Angle for his thoughts about teaming with
Triple H. "Well, Michael - I've been to the Olympics, I've been all over
the world, and I've seen many people in my lifetime, and there are certain
bad apples. And Triple H is just a bad apple." Cole brings up H seeing
Angle hug his wife. "Wait a minute - what's wrong with a little pre-match
hug? Steph and I are friends - that's all - I felt nothin' by that - you
can't hug friends anymore? I mean you and I, we're not even friends, I'll
give you a hug, look! See what I'm talking about? What is WRONG with
that? You know what...this interview is over." Ross: "DXtoocoolNEXT!"
Moments Ago - I was deprived Steve Blackman on my television screen
- oh, and Bull Buchanan is now Steven Richards #2
Backstage, Michael King Cole stands with Godfather. He seems distraught:
"Man, Stevie Richards thinks he can tell people what to wear, how to think,
how to act, man, he don't know what the people want! And now he's gonna
bring Bull in on me? Well I tell you what - I'm gonna show 'em BOTH just
how hard pimpin' really is!"
D & X (with "The Kings") v. TOO COOL - Twix brings you Fully Loaded this
Sunday from the Reunion Arena in Dallas, TX *exclusively* on pay-per-view!
It's he, it's he, it's the ... whatever. I just *gotta* learn me that
"diggin' a hole" dance Grand Master Sexay does. Sexay shouldn't keep his
back turned trying to get people to do the American Males clap, 'cause when
the bell rings, it's no trouble at all for Road Dogg to quickly put him
down with forearms to the back. Rikishi vs. Test - tonight! Head to the
buckle - into the opposite corner, but Sexay puts up a boot - let me wiggle
and then missile dropkick. Vertical suplex coming up - and there it goes.
Tag to Scotty 2 Hotty - "X Pac Sux" chant is so loud, crowd forgets to
react to the breakdancing double clothesline - which could quite possibly
be the LAMEST move of the year, if not for the fact that they've only
busted it out twice so far so it's not getting the recognition it deserves
if not for the protracted lobbying on the part of your humble reviewer.
Where were we? X-Pac comes in and goes down to a double drop toehold - his
head landing roughly in the area of Dogg's PENIS. I mean, crotch. Right
hand by Hotty as referee "Blind" Earl Hebner says "I've had enough of your
comedy! This is WRESTLING! Now get back to your corner!" Whip into the
ropes is reversed, X-Pac gets a kick in the back, big boot by Road Dogg, DX
takes control. Front face to allow for some spot calling - Hotty punches
out, right, right, into the ropes, Dogg ducks the clothesline, left, left,
left, juke, jive, right, wiggly wobbly wooqly kneedrop - 1, Sexay breaks it
up. Dogg asks Hebner to please take care of that illegal man, and while
his back is turned, X-Pac comes in without a tag and helps him doubleteam.
Dogg with the standard "I'll clap really loud so he'll think we tagged" -
ahh, the classics will NEVER die. "LONG LIVE THE MULLET" sign in the front
row - it's MULET night! X-Pac stomps, HE goes to a front facelock, Hotty
punches out again - off the ropes, but into a spinning heel kick. Shot for
Sexay, lightning elbowdrop, Hebner occupied with Sexay so Dogg comes in
again. Off the ropes, Hotty ducks - double clothesline and all three men
are down. Hot tag to Sexay - you go down, you go down, X-Pac with a punch,
reversed whip, duck, powerslam by Sexay - 1, Dogg in with an elbowdrop -
Sexay scoots out and he hits his partner. It's broken down completely each
memeber of Too Cool puts a DX'er in an adjacent corner and both men are
punching away. Sexay dumped over the top to the floor by X-Pac, stopping
his flurry - Hotty with the bulldog on X-Pac, but Dogg surpises him in
mid-funny face with a gutshot and ye olde pumpe handle. Sexay is climbing
the corner, though - and he's got the goggles on - Hip Hop Drop lands on
Dogg and he turns the pile. 1, 2, X-Pac pulls Hotty out of the ring and
puts him in the STEEL steps. In the ring, Sexay puts Dogg in the ropes,
reversed, Sexay ducks, waistlock, rollup...X-Pac in - X Factor - 1, 2, 3.
(3:52) On one hand, I hate DX, but on the other hand, they kept the Worm
in the house. On the other hand, the breakdancing double clothesline DID
make it - ahhhh! Screw all of them!
Backstage, Edge feels some worry: "This reeks of uncoolness." Shane pumps
up his men, telling Edge & Christian that the Acolytes are going a million
miles an hour and it'll be easy to capitalise on their mistakes; meanwhile,
Benoit has had no problems "snatching" on the crossface whenever he's felt
like it. This upcoming match...will be a beautiful thing. He's channeling
Meanwhile, Rock and the Acolytes are WALKING! Hey, are Faarooq and Rock
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week is brought to you by Twix! In a clip
I'll never get tired of, Benoit punks out Rock in mid-catchphrase.
CHRIS BENOIT (with Big Skippy, the RAW credits and the TV-14-DLV ratings
box) and EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. ACOLYTES and LA ROCA - you gotta admit,
Shane's one sweaty dude. How come the cameras keep sweeping the arena when
Edge's music starts, even though it's been MONTHS since they've been
entering from anywhere BUT the entryway? Looks like some more mic time for
our tag team champions. Christian up first, as has been the case: "Now,
being the fightingest tag team champions in World Wrestling Federation
history, it's great to be back here in a city such as...little help here?
Albany....where we know we are SO respected!" "Now, we usually don't do
this, but tonight, we are going to forfeit our five seconds. We're going
to forfeit it to someone who reeks of awesomeness just as much as us. So,
for the benefit of those with flash photgraphy, we call this five second
pose 'The Next WWF Champion.'" And they point to Benoit - who flashses a
winning smile. Did you know that "catchphrase" is one of two English words
with six consecutive consonants? Hyatte told me that. He also said that
during his week off, he'd like all of you to write him and either (a) ask
him what the other word is, or (b) tell him what the other word is. Don't
write to ME about it; I'll just laugh and make fun of you.
GLORYDOG@msn.com is the address. We turn the hour in the middle of
the Acolyte entrance and just before the Rock entrance. Rock wastes no
time leaving behind his belt, going outside and finding Benoit. Right,
right, right, right, right, into the ring, where the Acolytes stomp on him.
Edge tries to help out Benoit, but Rock is over and giving HIM some right
hands. Christian from behind, and now the two take over on the one. I
fully expect Rock to absorb all this and come back. Blaaaaah. Referee
"Blind" Tim White manages to get the Acolytes to their corner after Benoit
rolls out of the ring. Christian continues to kick the Rock, right, right,
into the ropes, reversed (he shouldn't do the Irish whip), but Rock puts
his head down and Christian kicks him (never mind). Christian off the
ropes, but into a powerslam - 1, 2, no. Shot for Edge, shot for Benoit.
Rock puts Christian in his corner and tags Faarooq - I guess they ARE pals,
now. Open right, right, press, 2. Into the ropes, powerslam, 1, 2,
kickout. Head to Bradshaw's boot, tag to Bradshaw, into the ropes, double
choke bomb gets 2 - Edge breaks it up. Christian to the mat after the
right. Into the ropes, ducking the clothesline, caught by Bradshaw - Edge
in, eating a big boot - there's the fallaway slam. Powerbomb for Edge.
Benoit decides they've had enough and comes in to save their (back) bacon
with a shot from behind, kick, kick, right, kick, all three men joining in
on the beatdown on Bradshaw. Bradshaw to the outside. All three men work
him over as ... I guess Shane is distracting White or something. Back in
the ring, it's Bradshaw and Edge - stomping away. Tag to Benoit, holding
him for an open knife-edge chop. Right, left, right, stomp, right, tag to
Christian. Open kick, forearm, kick, right, Bradshaw kicks back but slumps
into the unfriendly corner - Edge and Benoit hold him for some kicks. Edge
tagged in - right, right, right, kick, right, into the ropes, head down,
Bradshaw pounds him. Man, they do SO WELL into they go to that whip into
the ropes! Bradshaw going to whip him into the corner, but Edge reverses
(yikes) - Bradshaw busts out a shoulderblock and both men are down. Benoit
screaming for Edge, but it's Faarooq that gets the tag, despite Edge
holding onto him. Clothesline, one for Christian, Edge put into the ropes,
spinebuster, 1, 2, Benoit kicks Faarooq in the head - Rock comes in and
punches, punches, punches, punches, now KISS THAT RIGHT! Outside we go,
Benoit's head to the commentary table, again, Shane flies in with a
clothesline. Rock tastes the commentary table as well, and now the wrong
end of the chair as foolish Canadian hold chair upside down. Faarooq takes
the edge of the chair RIGHT on his back as he comes off the ropes, and he
ends up in the Downward Spiral for 3. (5:07) The four bad guys bolt,
leaving Rock out on the floor, and the Acolytes in a heap in the ring.
Missed it? Here's Rock putting Benoit's head on the table - Shane flying
in and turning it - Benoit wielding the chair - oops, time to go
Fully Loaded, if you believe the hype, has a "triple main event." -
Rock/Benoit, Triple H/Jericho, and Undertaker/Angle. If you ask me, only
ONE thing can guarantee a buyrate: Hulk Hogan, brother
Moments Ago, you're gonna see this set of replays AGAIN - just in case you
switched to "Nuremberg Part 2" during the past five minutes or so
Backstage, Rock is WALKING! He's got a chair and he's looking for Benoit.
The Dudley Boyz, then Too Cool provide cameos - "no man, we ain't seen
'im." Rock puts his ear to a dressing room door....aha! Going in, he
manages a mighty chair shot to Benoit's noggin before Shane can raise his
"yoyoyo" alarm - Edge, Christian, and McMahon get on Rock - Rock manages to
turn the tidde against the tag team champions...where'd Shane go?
We cut to outside, where Shane has an arm around a bloodied Benoit -
they're trying to make a getaway, but Rock wants another chunk. Repeated
rights to the cut - Benoit put into some lockers, a soda machine - all the
refs and Sergeant Slaughter manage to form a human wall between Rock and
Shane & Benoit. Rock goes back to the dressing room...
...where Edge & Christian are still there. One more shot for them...and
Rock reclaims his chair.
Back out where the referees and officials part...and follow Rock. "Benoit!
Back to Shane and Benoit, slowly, slowly making it to their limousine.
Unfortunately, it's facing the wrong way. Shane asks the chauffer to turn
it around, but Rock's caught up to them - there's another chairshot, and
Benoit collapses on the hood of the car. Rock decides to join him up
there. Rock Bottom on the hood of the limo! Shane collects Benoit and
they get in the limo - Shane barks at the driver to take off...and they do.
Rock manages to throw his chair at them and sneak in an unbleeped
"chickenshit" after three other things DO get bleeped.
Your hosts are a pair of kings: LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. They say
that this is a Rock they've *never* seen before. Moments Ago...man, this
is a pretty ... "lean" ... show tonight, isn't it? You'da think I'da been
done by now... Seriously: what else could we POSSIBLY be watching that
we'd need a replay of the ENTIRE segment?
SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO (with four - err, two ladies) is out. "Women! What
can I say? You can't live with them, but lucky for me...you can wrestle
them. You know, there's only one thing in this world that gets me more
excited than watching two women fight over me is me fighting two women. So
Jacqueline, Ivory, come on down, and tonight I'm gonna give you what every
woman in this audience would love to have - a shot at the Light Heavyweight
Title. But it's EDDIE GUERRERO & THAT SLUT CHYNA out instead. "Oh,
Deany...now you know perfectly well that Jackie & Ivory aren't here to
accept your challenge, but it just so happens to be that I'm free right
now...so whaddaya say we give the people what they really, REALLY want, and
that's someone to shut you up!"
SMILIN' DEAN MALENKO (with four - err, two ladies) v. THAT SLUT CHYNA (with
Eddie Guerrero) for the Light Heavyweight Championship - Malenko
immediately beats down Chyna as she hits the ring - forearm, stomp, kick,
into the ropes, but Chyna holds on for a short clothesline. Elbow, elbow,
into the ropes, back body drop, right, Malenko to the eyes, kick, forearm,
into the ropes, head down, kick by Chyna, who stumbles over Malenko's body
- oops. Cover - 2. Chyna with an elbow, elbow, kick, kick, kick, kick,
kick, into the opposite corner, crappy handspring elbow MISSES when Malenko
leaves the corner - "nah, I ain't sellin' that" - into the ropes, dropkick
misses as Chyna holds on - she's got the legs and looks to be going for the
crotch - no, wait! She's going to put on the Tejas cloverleaf and beat him
with his own move! Malenko reaches for the bottom ropes - and easily
crawls over to grab it. Referee "Blind" Jack Doan calls for the break as
we see PERRY SATURN head on out. Malenko dumps Chyna outside through the
ropes at the foot of the ramp. Guerrero is over to check on her, but
Saturn takes *him* out as Malenko goes out to take out Chyna. Guerrero
dropped on the barricade, repeated elbows - whip attempt is reversed, now
they're trading blows. In the ring, it's all Malenko. Back to the ramp,
back and forth - somebody's gonna hit the STEEL hard - don't tell me he's
gonna BRAINBUSTER him - no, Saturn settles for a Meltdown-like slam. Chyna
leaves the ring to check on Guerrero, and I have a feeling she'll be
counted out here. Saturn back up to the top of the ramp, where we now see
NIPPLES - well, shucks, we can't help but wonder if Terri's had something
to do with all this. Doan *does* get to ten and Malenko retains (COR 2:32)
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with Triple H. Can he and Angle work together?
"Can Kurt Angle and I work together...get this straight. Kurt Angle and I
will never do ANYTHING together. Kurt Angle is a jerk. I don't like Kurt
Angle. And my wife - my wife can't *stand* Kurt Angle. But thanks to Mick
Foley, Commissioner Foley, tonight I am stuck with Kurt Angle as my tag
taem partner. But Kurt Angle is no idiot, so he will do the smart thing
tonight. Kurt Angle will come to the ring with me, he will stand in the
corner, he will keep his mouth shut. He will get in the ring when I tell
him to get in the ring; he will get out of the ring when I tell him to get
out of the ring. And when the match is over and the referee raises my hand
in victory, Kurt Angle will come and thank ME for allowing him to survive
in the ring with the Undertaker and Kane, and most importantly, survive in
the ring with me. And if Kurt Angle decides for any reason tonight that he
should screw with either me or my wife, I will personally take Kurt Angle
apart." Wow, who had "11" in the pool?
Golly! It's Tazz! AND HE'S WALKING!
Get Ready for some Maximum Power - brought to you by RC Edge Maximum
Power Cola! Here's a quick highlight reel of Tazz' run-ins over the past
And here *is* TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZ come out to have a few words with us. Hey,
let's compare it to the notes I took last of his practice speech last
Tuesday, just for grins, huh? "Everybody's talkin' about the NEW Tazz.
What's Tazz' motivation all of a sudden? Kane gets a steel chair cracked
across his big head - booooooo! Kane: just another victim! Then, a fifty
thousand dollar television camera smashed across Rikishi's fat head,
costing him the intercontinental championship - booooooo! Rikishi: just
another victim! Then - W - O - R - O - O - oh, I just choked your ass out!
The Worm - just another victim to the one man crime spree! I told you
people from the very first day I got here, The Mood Was About To Change,
and then, when it did, you want answers! Well I'll tell you what - until
you people or this company can find a hero - a role model - a man - a real
man tough enough - bad enough - mean enough - to yank the reason for my
actions out of my mouth, the path of rage will continue to run roughshod
through this joint! Because I'm Tazz: thug life born, thug life bred, and
when the time is right, I'll be thug life dead!" "Hold on a second there,
Mr. Tazz--" COMMISSIONER FOLEY is out. "--hold on just a second. You see,
Tazz, there's a lot of things I'm proud of here in the WWF as its
commissioner, but watching you interfere in matches is not one of them! So
you walk around here saying The Mood Is About To Change - well yes it is,
Tazz! Because at Fully Loaded, you will not be interfering in a match, you
will be HAVING a match...as soon as I can find a suitable opponent." This
brings out AL SNOW & HEAD - because this *is* the World Entrance
Federation. Say, I wonder if Snow will be a suitable opponent. "I can not
believe what I've been listeni--hey, Mick." "Hey Al." "You come out here,
acting all angry and miserable. You want to talk misery? For the last
seven months, I have been eating, I have been driving, I have been training
(and on one sad occasion, sharing a room) with Steve Blackman. *Fifty*
camera shots to the head can not compare to one heart-to-heart talk with
Steve Blackman expounding the virtues of quicklime in the use of disposing
of human remains. So please, Mick, I'm not asking you, I am begging you.
Let me show this man at Fully Loaded what misery is really all about. (And
I don't mean tagging with Steve Blackman.)" "Wait a second, Al, I like
you, I do. I pretend I don't, but I do, and I enjoyed making fun of you in
my towering, #1 New York Times bestseller Have a Nice Day, (which
will be available in paperback with a couple extra bonus chapters in
October,) but Al, it seems that every time I put you in a big match,
well...you choke." "I guarantee you, if you give me this--aaack!" Well,
Tazz heard the word "choke" so he clamped on the kati hajime on Snow.
Foley tells him to let it go. "Hey Tazz, you want a match with Al Snow at
Fully Loaded? Well, you've got it! You talk about thug life - well I'll
show you thug life, Tazz, but when Al wakes up - when Al wakes up - he's
gonna be really, really mad!"
Hey, want a copy of the EncycRAWpedia interactive CD-ROM? Send a copy of
your cable bill with proof of purchase of Fully Loaded to this address over
here! I'm gonna guess it's not compatible with the Macintosh.
Michael King Cole catches up with Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley and asks
what's her relationship with Kurt Angle. Stephanie says "relationship"
implies "sexuality" and a women of her principles would NEVER share her
favours with anyone other than her husband Hunter. It gets even less
entertaining from there...
And now, in order to make Stephanie look more attractive, here's a shot of
Rikishi's giant ass!
Hey, there's the state capital! Oh, wait, it's the Pepsi Arena - at 10:36
it's 78 degrees! Say, THAT'S *unpleasant* weather!
Clips of Mick Foley's promotional tour - from Jakarta and Singapore
T (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) v. RIKISHI - in case you missed
it, Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Lita went through a
table. RAW is WAR is brought to you by Stacker 2, Castrol Motor Oily, and
Sony PlayStation! Test says "damn, this entrance is taking forever" and
tries to get the jump on him - and fails. Rikishiright, right, right,
right, into the ropes, head down, kick by Test, big boot by Test puts him
down. Right, right, right, right right right right right right right,
shove for referee "Blind" Teddy Long who's saying "don't you know any OTHER
moves?," right, right, right, right, another threatening glance at Long -
"all right, here" and he clotheslines him. Test, for a laugh, tries to
bodyslam him - har har, ohh my back hurts because this is such a fat man I
tried to lift. Rikishi scoops him up with ease - there's a slam.
Off the ropes with a legdrop. He's warming it up - into the ropes
with a fat ass splash. Test slumps down in the corner - must be time for
the stinkface. Hey, remember when this guy used the Rikishi Driver? I
wonder whatever happened to that move. Stratus gets up on the
apron...well, geez, he already HIT the stinkface, you're too late to help
him NOW. Rikishi still walks over - but sidesteps Test's charge. Test
ends up kneeing Trish off the apron to the floor. Samoan Drop for Test -
1, 2, 3! Why'd Long say "three minutes" before counting the fall? (1:47)
Ahh, here's A & BALD VENIS and it's a doubleteam - now tripleteam on
Rikishi. Say, you think this beatdown will last three minutes? Venis with
the STEEL steps - and running them into Rikishi - and even his hard Samoan
head can't hand THAT. TOO COOL are out to join the fray - but Stratus'
stable has to have the way just a bit longer - okay, now they can turn the
tide. Rikishi and Test fighting off to one side of the ramp - Sexay and
Venis fighting at the bottom of the ramp - and Albert and Hotty fighting UP
the ramp - Hotty actually swinging from the bottom of the EntertainmentTron
with two boots - and there's a bulldog. Aw hell, he's gonna do the worm up
on the stage? That's GOTTA hurt. Venis is up post-karate chop, got Hotty
- and tossing him off the stage! Hotty with a nice flip and landing on his
back on the padding - I mean, floor. Thus ends our three minutes,
methinks. Venis makes an "intense" face while Rikishi and Sexay show
concern at the feet of their fallen comrade.
Fully Loaded promo #2
Moments Ago - yeah, you seen it already. During the Break, Hotty made the
Kevin Kelly stands with Stable Stratus and somehow turns Hotty's injury
into "Why Rikishi?" "You know something, Rikishi represents everything I
used to be! Doing everything in his power to please the fans - dancing at
the drop of a hat just for the cheers of the fans! I used to gyrate just
for the cheers of the fans! Giving competitors stinkyfaces just for the
cheers of the fans! I used to come up with clever sexual innuendos just
for the cheers of the fans! Yet I did nothing - NOTHING - for me - and
that made me sick! Well buddy old pal heh heh, times have changed, and
those days of utterings those words - 'Hello Ladies' - have gone by the
wayside, and gold has come waistside, so chump, come this Sunday, Fully
Loaded, I promise you this, I will not be a hard man to find, no, in fact I
will be standing dead square in the middle of the ring surrounded by a
steel cage, waiting for the cheers of those fans to turn to sorrow as I
beat Rikishi within an inch of his damn life, and I promise you this: I
will not be doin' it for the fans - I'll be doin' it for me."
To WWF New York we go - who's there tonight? It's KAI EN TAI! And they're
To Triple H's dressing room, and a knock at the door. "Listen, Triple H.
I know we have this match coming up next. So I have a few ideas, and this
is what I'm thinking--"
"Hold on. You thinking? As far as that goes, nothing good's gonna come of
it. All right, let's get this straight, Kurt. I don't like you. I don't
trust you. But the fact of the matter is tonight I'm stuck with you as my
partner. Now, if you stay out of my way, we can put our differences aside
and we can get through this - all right? Deal?" "Deal. You wanna shake
on it - or do you just wanna hug?" "Don't. Screw. This. Up." Angle
with a smirk after H turns away...
Undertaker and Kane are WALKING! Kane reaches behind him - and tosses
tobacco to Undertaker. Oh no - Undertaker's HOOKED HIM ON THE DIP!! Or
maybe Kane was just holding it for him...I can't really see him chewing
with that mask on...
Commentators shill USA's "The War Next Door"
KING KURT ANGLE and THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono) v. UNDERTAKER &
KANE - Is it just me or do Stephanie's makeup and wardrobe choices get more
hideous with each passing show? It's GOTTA be planned - right? No bike
for the Badass - the mind-reading STEEL steps stay put - increible!!
'Taker makes a beeline for Angle, who hotfoots it around the outside of the
ring, *into* the ring...and into Kane. Oops. That's a big right handed
clothesline. Into the ropes, big back body drop. Uppercut. Head to the
top turnbuckle. Into the opposite corner - clothesline - on the shoulder -
Angle breaks free. Kane tags Undertaker, and Angle can't move fast enough
to tag out to Triple H. Don't know WHAT he's telling Angle to do there,
but if it was distract Undertaker, it didn't work - soupbone! Soupbone!
Into the opposite corner, clothesline follows. H staggers out - into a
sidewalk slam. 1, 2, Angle makes the save! Undertaker shoots a look
Angle's way and he not only leaves the ring, but hops over the barricade
and jumps into the front row. Undertaker back over to H - into the
opposite corner, back elbow by H. Running clothesline. Tag to Angle.
Right, tag to Triple H. Angle is a scared, SMART man. H asking Angle
what's up - Undertaker over to grab him - soupbone! Left, soupbone,
leftsoupboneleftsoupboneleftsoupboneleft, soupbone, elbow, trying to give
Angle a shot but he jumps down to the floor. H staggers into a right from
Kane. Kane gets the tag. Undertaker puts him in - and Kane catches him in
a double choke...then drops him. H put in the corner - right, right, back
elbow, into the ropes, hea ddown, kick by H, clothseline ducked, H with the
hangman's neckbreaker, tag to Kane, H with one more kick, Angle trying to
keep an eye behind him on the Undertaker, kick, right, right, look back,
right, Kane fighting out, Angle right, Kane right, back elbow, H dropping
his throat on the top rope while Angle hits a chop block. Elbow to the
back of the head, elbow, tag to H, right, H in, shoulder, shoulder, up for
the suplex but it's blocked. Angle in with a shot to Kane's open side -
trying to get him up for the DOUBLE suplex - but Kane blocks it. Kane with
a double suplex of his own. Yikes! Angle goes outside while Kane punches
H - into the ropes, there's a big boot by Kane. Got him on his shoulder -
powerslam. Ross: "I thought that might be the tombstone piledriver."
Yeah, right, YOU BASTARD. Kane up top - "flying" clothesline - 1, 2, Angle
breaks it up - Undertaker is in with a big boot, and tossing him to the
outside...and following! Angle hits the commentary table and goes over.
'Taker isn't done with him. The chase is on as inside the ring Kane throws
random elbow to H. Angle is off, up the side ot the stage and 'Taker is
following. In the ring, H has managed to go to the eyes (through the
mask?), gutshot, Pedigree coming up - but CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is trying to
fight his way from the top fo the ramp through the refs & officials to get
to Triple H! H, seeing Jericho, stops cold - and ends up on the wrong end
of a Kane backdrop. Chokeslam! Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner in position -
1, 2, 3! (5:15) Kane's music briefly plays before Jericho finds his way
into the ring - his ribs are taped (good thing he's shirtless so we can see
the plot device!) - he gets a few shots in on H before the refs can break
them up. H staggers to the outside with a ref on each side...Jericho
running to the ropes - PESCADO!! Jericho gets in some more licks before
Garea & Slaughter manage to get them broken up again. Play his music!
11:07 is too late for this show - SEE YA!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman