by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 20 3/4 (- 1/2)
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: By the way: OTHER people talk about "CRZ" a HELL of
a lot more than *I* do. I am specifically referring to two other
WrestleLine telvision recappers who should know better but seem to sneak
in a reference to me EVERY SINGLE FRICKIN' WEEK. GIVE IT A GOD DAMN REST.
GET TO THE WRESTLING. - CRZ, One Year Ago This Week on RAW
If you want to have some fun, you would be well-served to take a trip down
memory lane with me. WrestleLine still has my RAW report from last year
- it features the end of the "Countdown to the Millennium." Where that
may have been Vince Russo's writing at it's best, you can also pop over to
the home skillet at http://www.CRZ.net/wrestling/raw/980810.html
and see a fine example of Russo's writing at it's worst (AND BY THE WAY,
you will ALSO see how TERRIBLY TERRIBLY BIASED I am...only it's not a
Nitro report, and you can't help but be confused.)
Oh yeah, for more wacky Russo-ness, check out my One Year Ago Heat recap
- Meat gets a hardon and Ivory paints "SKANK" on Tori's flesh. And Grimes
wears white. And some other stuff.
Rick said WrestleLine wanted some more WrestleManiacs hits this week, so
there're your free plugs. Will I write something tonight worth reading
NEXT year? Stick around...
TONIGHT: Last Thursday, that hug took a long, long time. Triple H and
Stephanie collide...at the top of the hour!
Waaaaaait--what the heck is THIS? "Nash Bridges?" Where's my "Walker,
Texas Ranger," dammit? WHERE'S MY "WALKER, TEXAS RANGER?!?"
No singing Chuck! No "'cause that's where the Ragner's gonna be!"
No...God, it's so sad. No *wonder* I went to sleep instead of watching
this show a second time to do the report.
TV-14-DLV One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
SmackDown! "highlight" package - by which I mean, Stephanie, Triple H and
Kurt Angle wackiness
Moving out of clips, we see Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley pacing
around...presumably waiting for her husband
Opening Credits - close captioned logo sneaks in there
BLOW IT UP AND SET IT OFF, we are LIVE from the grandaddy of 'em all -
Madison Square Garden in New York City, 7.8.2K and tonight on the USA
Network...RAW IS WAR!
LA ROCA comes out first - let's waste no time! This is MSG! Commentators
remind us that Benoit pinned the Champ on Thursday. Tonight, Rikishi takes
on X-Pac, Matt Hardy teams with the APA against the Big Show, Edge &
Christian. Eddie Guerrero and Too Cool take on Stable Stratus, the Dudleyz
face RTC, and probably a couple more matches. Hey, thanks, Ross! Ross
also announces attendance: 17,578. The reason I can type all this is
because Rock is *milking* it. "Now the Rock says that last week on
SmackDown!, Shane McMahon, like the man you are, hit the Rock in the head
with a steel chair...Chris Benoit, you got the 1, 2, 3 on the Rock, so
maybe Shane McMahon, you're trying to send the Rock a message. Maybe you
think that Chris Benoit was screwed out of the WWF title. Maybe you think
that Chris Benoit should be the WWF Champion. And maybe you think that
Benoit should go on and face the Rock at SummerSlam for the WWF title. Is
that what you think, Shane? Well, after careful consideration, the Rock
says this...............................he wipes a New York City sewer
rat's ass with what you think! You see, Shane and Chris Benoit, it's as
simple as this, forget about SummerSlam - because there's gonna be no more
back and forth, no more tit for tat - Benoit, you want your title shot, you
got your title shot, right here, right....now." Here comes CHRIS BENOIT &
SKIPPY. "Rocky, the entire world knows that at Fully Loaded, I beat you
for the World Wrestling Federation title ALL BY MYSELF. Only to have the
title stripped by Commissioner Foley. But you know, Rock, that's okay,
because by accepting your challenge tonight...["ass hole"]...accepting your
challenge tonight, it gives me the chance to beat you, and until you prove
me wrong, become World Wrestling Federation champion!" "Yes yes yes, hold
on one second, that is true, Chris Benoit will become the World Wrestling
Federation champion here tonight, Rock - but under one special stipulation,
which I'll get to in a second, but Rock... whatever. Quiet down! Now,
Rock, I'm actually shocked that you can remember anything from last
Thursday night at SmackDown! I mean, the chairshot to the head, Chris
Benoit coming off the top rope, but you know what? I guess, just for
giggles and my own personal amusement, I didn't think you would remember,
so I had the truck put together a special videotape, so Rock, allow me to
take you down to Memory Lane to last Thursday night at SmackDown!, please
roll the footage. Yes, there it is...Rocky goin' for the People's Elbow,
off one, with great ease, and two and OHHHH! WHAM and again! No, but that
wasn't enough, Chris Benoit coming off the top rope with the flying
headbutt - and yes, right there listen, - yes, Rock, did you hear that? 1,
2, 3, Chris Benoit did defeat you In That Very Ring in the middle. Rock,
that is your fate, that is exactly what Chris Benoit is gonna do tonight
because Chris Benoit will walk outta here the World Wrestling Federation
champion. But, Rocky, we're not done, no, the night is just beginning for
you, because it's not bad enough, Rock, that we just defeat you for the WWF
Championship, nono. What's gonna happen tonight, Rock...["Shane's a
pussy!"]...that's untrue and it doesn't matter because tonight, Rock, you
are gonna suffer the same fate of every target that our group has chosen,
whether it be Chris Jericho or the Undertaker, Rock allow me to show you
what's gonna happen after you lose the WWF Championship tonight - let's go
back to last Thursday night again, and let's show you, oh yes, there's Kane
and the Big Show, check that out, unbelievable superhuman strength by the
Big Show - wham, that's it and DOWN DOWN DOWN, oh yeah! Rock, you see
that's exactly how you're gonna be left laying, without the WWF
Championship and flat on your back, Rock. The Brahma Bull will be put to
rest, and Rock, that special stipulation I was talking about, listen to
this - tonight, the World Wrestling Federation Championship will be
determined with a 'no disqualification' stipulation!" "No
disqualification?" "No DQ!" "Well, the Rock has no problem with that -
the Rock in a no-DQ, Shane with no IQ, Chris Benoit with his goofy gap in
his teeth, never be on the cover of GQ - you see, 'cause the fact of the
matter is this, it just doesn't matter to the Rock, because he Rock is NOT
gonna lose the WWF title, the Rock is NOT gonna get taken out, but what the
Rock is gonna do, is the Rock guarandamntees to whip not one, not two, BOTH
your candyasses all over New York City! [Isn't that two?] If ya
smellllllllllllllalalalalalaloooow what the Rock is cookin'!"
Backstage, Kurt Angle catches up to Commissioner Foley, who has made his
office on a forklift this week. Did he just hear that? Foley says he was
going to save that match for SummerSlam, but if the Rock wants it tonight,
he'll give it to him. Angle says he wants to talk about SummerSlam
himself. He won his medals in the summer, and at SummerSlam, he should get
another shot at gold - he should be the #1 Contender. After being sure to
take in a shot about "grabbing a couple handfuls" Thursday, Foley tells
Angle...he'll take his request under advisement.
Triple H's limo *finally* arrives. Stephanie meets him and tells
him she needs to talk to him about Kurt. H says he needs some space - this
personal stuff is starting to interfere with their business, and it'll have
to wait. Asking where the Commissioner's office is, Stephanie tells him -
and he takes off.
X-PAC NEVER JOBS IN SINGLES MATCHES v. RIKASHMONEY - Hey, if you don't want
to call him Rikishi Phatu, perhaps you should remove "Rikishi Phatu" from
the entrance video, hmmmmm? Backstage, we see Road Dogg watching on the
monitor - he must be toasted, because he makes funny pantomime motions
about how big Rikishi's ass is and laughs. Then he scarfs an entire bag of
Munchos in three seconds. X-Pac peppers him with rights - 6, 7, 8, Rikishi
shoves him down. X-Pac back to rights - six more. Rikishi shoves him
again. Block, right by Rikishi, into the ropes, X-Pac ducks, Sunset flip
attempt, big ass drop counter misses. Kick, right, kick, in the corner
with the kick trifecta, another spin kick for good measure. Rikishi falls
to the mat, so it must be time (already?) for the broncobuster. Tomahawk
chop for good measure. Field goal kick with the ribs, kick, kick, here's a
Chef Boyardee Double Feature of a particularly nasty jumping spin kick.
Kick, kick, kick, Rikishi starting to no-sell, kick, off the ropes, but
Rikishi catches him in midair with a Stunner-like takedown. Rikishi warms
it up - then hits the fat ass splash in the corner. We hear X-Pac fall to
the mat - and Rikishi perks right up. It's stinkface time, and X-Pac ain't
escaping it this week. Road Dogg gets a good laugh outta that. X-Pac
walks into a superkick. Rikishi drags him over to the corner - hey,
remember when he used to do that Rikishi Driver? That was a cool move.
Anyway, he climbs up for the Banzai Drop, but ROAD DOGG is out to give him
an uppernut (DQ 2:57) and save his partner. X-Pac goes in post-match and
puts the boots to Rikishi - and Dogg helps. Play "the Kings!" Say, how
many times did Ross misidentify X-Pac as "Road Dogg" in this match? Hint:
once is too many.
Triple H hits up Foley - apparently, Joe got to him and told him about the
title match coming up - he wants to take on the winner at SummerSlam.
Foley says he guesses Joe didn't tell him that somebody beat him to the
punch about requesting the spot - Kurt Angle was already around. "I know
what you're thinking, Hunter - first he takes your wife, then he wants your
spot..." Foley says he'll take his request under advisement as well. Then
he honks the horn of his forklift a couple times.
Earlier Tonight, them two ho's led a chant
In the dressing room, Triple H walks in. Stephanie wants to explain about
what happened to Kurt Angle. H relates that Angle went in to Foley and
asked to be the #1 Contender. "So?" "SO? That's MY spot!" H says he's
getting sick and tired of this whole Kurt Angle thing...he's done talking.
If he sees him tonight, he's kicking his ass.
RIGHT TO CENSOR v. THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ - "Cut my music! Mayor Giuliani had
a dream of cleaning up the city that never sleeps, and thanks to his
efforts, this place is much cleaner, much safer, and more acceptable for
tourism! And just as he fought the good fight, so will we fight to make
the World Wrestling Federation a more wholesome place for entertainment.
And as long as the World Wrestling Federation has the Right to Censorship,
you can say goodbye to gratuitous violence, vulgarity, and most of all,
scantily clad women. And if anybody has a problem with that, they are more
than welcome to come to this ring and discuss it further." Now, of
course it looks like the Dudleyz are out to protect their right to beat up
women...errr, maybe not. Anyway, Buh Buh Ray's got the stick: "Steven
Richards, what the people in New York City really wanna see is for the
Dudley Boyz to put your asses through a table!" They rush the ring and
it's on. Pier Four brawl - into the ropes, double duck, double
clothesline. Goodfather put outside, Buh Buh Ray sent to his corner by
referee "Blind" Jim Korderas while D-Von and Buchanan stay in - off the
ropes, duck, flying clothesline by D-Von, tag to Buh Buh Ray. Into the
ropes, double shoulderblock. Off the ropes, big splash, leg hooked for 2.
Head to the buckle, tag to D-Von, stomp, eyepoke by Buchanan, tag to
Goodfather, into the ropes, double back elbow. Goodfather with a
scoop...and a slam. Elbowdrop, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, "Save the ho's!", off
the ropes, but the legdrop misses. Into the ropes, reversed, Richards
grabs the leg, turning D-Von around long enough for Goodfather to come in
with a big boot. Goodfather with a backdrop suplex for 2. Right, right,
right, into the opposite corner, the RTC version of the Ho Train splash
misses, and D-Von lands a flying jalapeno. Both men down - hot tag to Buh
Buh Ray - tag to Buchanan. Clothesline by Dudley, into the ropes, big back
body drop, shot for Goodfather, drawing him in and making sure Korderas has
his back to the "wassup" spot. Richards gets on the apron so Goodfather
can run into a powerslam and HE can get the "wassup" spot. Calling for 3D
- the Dudley Death Drop on Buchanan HITS - 1, 2, *Richards* makes the
save...only, you know, he ain't in this match. (DQ 3:24) The Dudleyz give
him a look - Buh Buh Ray blocks a right and bodyslams him. "Wassup" spot
for Richards. "D-Von...get the table!" The HO'S hop the barricade at this
point to get a better look. You know what would be the coolest right now?
If Buh Buh Ray put down Richards and said "no no no...I want to powerbomb
that ho at ringside!" Of course, they're faces now, so they can't do that.
Sigh. Anyway, before Richards can take the ride, Goodfather and Buchanan
steal the ho's signs and break the sticks over the Dudleyz' heads. With
them out of the way, Richards turns to the ho's, bringing them into the
ring. Goodfather looks around...then stops them...saying HE wants to rough
'em up. Whoa! Goodfather FOLDS HER IN HALF through the table. Now THAT
was pretty cool - that girl knows how to SELL, baby. The three men walk
off with handshakes all around...and Richards with a sinister smile on his
Stephanie and Angle take turns admiring each other's gold. Stephanie tells
Kurt that her husband is upset - about their celebration last Thursday,
about Angle asking for the shot. "I asked first - I *should* be the #1
Contender!" Triple H is VERY mad. "He didn't raise his voice to you, did
he?" Angle says that H should be a little more sensitive - perhaps undergo
sensitivity training. Be more sensitive to his wife. Stephanie melts and
thanks him for being such a good (pause) friend. They shake hands! GOSH!
Mick Foley tells us we have the power to elect. Visit wwfvote.com and smack down your vote!
Here's an exterior shot of the Garden - hmm, their clock is about three
There's a knock at Triple H's door - it's Joe. He tells him that he
thought he should know that the boys in the back are saying that Kurt Angle
might be the one guy who could take out Triple H. Triple H tells him to
get out. That Joe's got a real Canadian accent, don't he? Must explain
all the visa problems.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Goodfather powerbombs that lovely
young thing through that table.
EDDIE GUERRERO (with That Slut Chyna) and TOO COOL v. T & A & V (with Trish
Stratus - the fitness model) - Chef Boyardee presents SummerSlam 27 August!
Bigger, for bigger appetites, I hear. Before the match even begins,
Venis pulls Guerrero out of the ring and PILEDRIVES HIM ON THE FLOOR!
Guerrero sells it like it was hot death on a stick and doesn't budge. That
might be the ONLY good thing to come out of banning piledrivers - people
can actually sell them like they were meant to be sold. 'Course, I still
think the ban is totally lame, but THAT was pretty cool. Looks like
Guerrero's out of this match. Too Cool hit the ring and find themselves on
the wrong end of a T&A beatdown. Into the ropes, Hotty blocks the big boot
while Sexay slides under the punch. Test blocks and hits a right, but ends
up dumped over the top rope, while Sexay peppers Albert with punches,
Albert pops him right back, then runs at Sexay, who dumps HIM to the
outside. Venis and Hotty left in the ring - knee, right, right, into the
opposite corner, Hotty sidesteps the charging elbow, then bulldogs him
down. Don't tell me it's time for the Worm ALREADY? Well, I guess so.
Hi-ya. Albert comes in and gives Hotty the bicycle kick for his troubles.
Outside, Test drops Sexay facefirst on the STEEL steps. Venis back up and
punching Hotty down. Right hand. Into the ropes, ducks, double
clothesline and both men are down. Hotty crawling to his corner...only,
there's nobody there. Chyna decides she better take action, and leaves
Eddie to get over for the tag. Elbow to Venis, elbow, elbow, scoop...and a
slam. Albert in with a full nelson, but Chyna's trick knee acts up and
she's quickly over just as Test is straddling the rope to get in - have a
crotchin', mah man. Bouncy bouncy! Venis FLATTENS her with a clothesline.
Well, as flat as you can get with that much saline in ya. Yuk yuk! Stomp,
stomp, Venis makes the tag to Albert. Big ol' kidney shot. Right to the
chin, kick, Test in for a do si do avalanche, into Test's big boot. Crowd
appropriatley "oh's" at the right times. Venis tagged in - he's going for
the Money Shot - but Sexay has recovered enough to crotch him! Hotty is up
and around as well, and pulls Test outside. They brawl while Albert runs
over to brawl with Sexay. In the ring, Venis stirs...and gets Chyna in the
high fisherman's suplex! Of course, referee "Blind" Chad Patton is trying
to restore order outside the ring and doesn't see it. Guerrero, mustering
all the strength he can find in reserve, manages a frog splash onto Venis,
then rolls out in pain. Chyna drapes an arm over Venis and Patton is back
in - 1, 2, 3! (3:50) Lilian Garcia goes ahead and announces all four
participants as the winners - CHEATERS!! Eddie is STILL holding his neck -
that's how you sell a piledriver!!
In the locker room, (Just) Joe tells Kurt Angle that Triple H has been
going crazy, disrespecting Angle, his medals, and he's reduced Steph to
tears. Angle tells Joe to tell Triple H that he'll wait for him to show
up, slap a submission hold on him and make him cry like a baby.
All right, I'm REAL tired of watching that JC Penney ad.
STEPHANIE ONO is out. Call her a slut! "I would like to publicly
apologise to my husband. Hunter, I am SO SO sorry for what happened last
Thursday night on SmackDown! But I want you to know that Kurt and I are
just friends! There - there is nothing more between us. I - I was
incredibly excited after pinning Lita on SmackDown!, and, and Kurt was
there, and I shouldn't have hugged him for so long. I- I shouldn't have,
but- but Hunter, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, I mean, we were
right here - right in front of you! And...but I realise that - that it was
wrong - and I'm sorry. Hunter, will you please, please come down here?
And I know that you haven't wanted to talk to me since Thursday, and I
don't blame you, but - if - if I have to say it in front of the entire
world, then I will. Hunter, please come out here and let me apologise to
your face." THE NEW MAN makes *his* entrance. "Hunter, I am SO sorry.
I'm sorry I've been so impatient, I'm sorry I've been so quick to anger,
and I'm sorry I've been so quick to make assumptions. But you've given me
a lot of time to think about it, and I think I know why my behavious has
been so irrational. Hunter, this is very difficult for me to say." Good
lord, she's not pregnant, is she? "But I've been jealous." Whew! "I've -
I've been jealous! ["Bull shit"] You know, in marriages, and in
relationships, people who love each other, they fight - and - and - they
get jealous, and I guess if we didn't fight it would mean that we didn't
care, and Hunter...I love you. I love you more than anything else in this
entire world, more then I ever thought I was capable of loving anyone, and
I can't bear the thought of you with another woman. So all I can say,
Hunter, is I am truly, truly sorry. Do you forgive me?" Crowd: "Noooooo!"
Hunter takes a swig of his water, another one...and they hug. Crowd can't
boo loudly enough. This'll probably cue Mick...nope, she's got more to
say. "But now, getting back to what you said earlier tonight, now that
we've got our personal life straightened away, we need to talk about
business. Okay? So...now, I - I don't want you to get angry, okay? But
we need to straight this all out - we need to smooth everything over, so -
so business can be successful. So now, I'd like to call Kurt Angle
down to the ring--" H pitches a fit as KING KURT ANGLE walks down to the
ring with a smirk on his face. "Hold on a second, I just wanna do what's
right. You know something, Triple H? There's a common expression called
'in the heat of battle.' Soldiers use it when they're fighting...New
Yorkers use it when they're running from the cops...and athletes use it
like you and I, the best of athletes use it when they're competing in the
ring, and yes, I'll admit, Stephy and I - as friends - got caught up in the
heat of battle. But that's all it was. And I have to admit, I respect
your wife and I respect your marriage. And when Stephanie jumped into my
arms last Thursday night, all I could think about was our friendship, and
how sacred your marriage is - it's true, it's true." "Let me tell you
something, Kurt - you might have my naive little wife fooled...but me, I
know you're full of (beep)! And I'll tell you what, you come near my wife
again and I am gonna--" Stephanie pushes him back. "Hunter, this is not
helping matters, okay? Business is business. And listen - if you really -
Hunter, look at me, please look at me. If you really, really love me, then
you'll shake hands with Kurt. Business is business! There is nothing
between Kurt and I - I have no feelings for him other than friendship. If
you love me--" Well, before H takes the outstretched Hand of Friendship
from Angle, COMMISSIONER FOLEY *does* come out at this point, along with
the RAW credits and TV-14-DLV ratings box. "Wait, wait, wait...["Fo Ley!"]
Thank you. Thank you very much, but look, this is important. I don't mean
to come out here and break up this....threesome...wait wait wait, but
before you decide whether to forgive or not to forgive, I think it's
important that all of you involved examine the relevant information before
making your decision. And that information includes video evidence I
obtained from last Thursday's show - let's take a look! Okay, there we go
- oh my goodness! He's got a handful of Stephanie there - oh, and JJ, he'd
gonna be HOT when Hunter finds out. Oh! Oh, look, he's seething!" H
thinks about going for Angle again. "Wait wait wait - hey, hey I've got an
important announcement to make, it concerns both of you. I will admit to
caring just a little bit about your sick little husband/wife relationship
here, but not as much as I care about seeing you and you beat the living
hell out of each other. Simply because I am so tired of hearing you whine
and kvetch about your personal relationship! So what I am going to do here
tonight in Madison Square Garden (thumbs up) in beautiful New York, New
York, is we are going to have a #1 Contender's match between Triple H and
Kurt Angle, and whoever, at the end of that match has their arm raised will
be the undisputed #1 contender for the WWF title and will compete at
SummerSlam to become the WWF champion! Thank you very much, and have a
Chris Benoit and Shane are WALKING!
Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING!
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by Snickers! From
SmackDown!, Big Show puts Kane through a hole in the stage he made
himself...well, with a little help from that guy under the stage.
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: CHRIS BENOIT (with Skippy) v. LA ROCA in a no
disqualification match - Rock actually appears from behind and surprises
both men - as well as the timekeeper who forgets the ring the opening bell
for about fifteen seconds. Rock all over Benoit - right, right, right,
right, right, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, clothesline.
Stomp, elbow, forearm, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, Benoit
holds on, Rock catches the kick, dragon screw legwhip, Sharpshooter. Shane
comes in and lets fly with the forearm to the back of the head, breaking
the hold. Shane puts him in the ropes, jumpin' back elbow. Benoit puts
his head in the corner, knife-edge chop, chop, right, headbutt. Chop.
Right hand. Into the opposite corner is reversed, but Benoit puts up an
elbow...then runs into a powerslam...for 2. Benoit with a backdrop suplex.
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Rock rolls outside - Benoit follows. Right
hand. Right. Into the STEEL steps is reversed. Neither of these guys
should try the Irish whip. Shane takes Rock down from behind with a flying
wedidn'tseeit. Benoit puts Rock's head to the ringpost. As Benoit elbows
Rock, the Chef Boyardee Double Feature shows that Shane clotheslined Rock -
rather roughly, too. Back to real time as they're back in the ring.
Benoit stomps on Rock's head. Stomp. Snap suplex. Cover...1, 2, no.
Benoit argues the cadence of referee "Blind" Tim White. Benoit picks him
up - and drops him across his knee in a backbreaker. This gets 2. Rock
draped on the second rope - Shane gives him a choke. Benoit with a stomp.
Right, Rock blocks, right, block, right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT
- no, Benoit ducks the spit right, off the ropes, ducks a clothesline,
going for a backslide, Rock frees an arm, spins around, catches the
clothesline and puts on the crossface! Benoit frees his head and whacks
Rock with his free arm to break the hold. German suplex. Holding on for a
second one. Rock elbows out of the third one - it takes three back elbows,
gobehind, Rock with a HUGE German suplex, with release. Both men are down.
THAT gets a Chef Boyardee Double Feature. Both men stir at 8 - Benoit
blocks a right and throws one of his own. Gutshot, right, chop, into the
ropes, reversed (sigh), Rock with a sorta belly-to-belly suplex - cover -
1, 2, apparently Shane pulls White out of the ring, but since he isn't in
the shot, we have to guess. They seem to trot this spot out EVERY week,
though, so it's a safe guess anyway. Rock leaves the ring and the chase is
on - Shane in the ring, Rock in, Benoit collides with him. Scoop...and a
slam. Benoit says that's it and goes up for the headbutt. Swandive
headbutt hits! Benoit can't make the cover though - Shane in to try to
wake him up...Benoit covers - 1, 2, NO!! Benoit argues the count again -
then goes back to stomping on the Rock. Both men outside, right, chop,
right, whip is reversed (yup) and Benoit ends up colliding with Shane, who
goes over the barricade. Rock with a gutshot to Benoit, back in the ring,
spinebuster. Will Benoit sit there and take the People's Elbow? Why, yes,
he will. 1, 2, Shane flies in to make the save. He's got a chair, but he
doesn't get a chance to use it - Rock is over with the right, right, right,
NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Shane goes to the outside. Benoit manages to take
advantage, though and locks in the Crippler crossface. Benoit calls to
Shane, who comes in and lays in the weakeset boots you've EVER seen. Now
some pyro goes off - looks like CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is back, and just in
the nick of time - Ross: "THAT'S CHRIS BENOIT!!"
Michael Cole: "Can you BELIEVE they still let this guy call this show?"
Jericho (who is not Benoit) unleashes punch after forearm, and Benoit
dutifully bounces off the mat with every blow. Jericho with a powerbomb on
the chair - DOUBLE powerbomb on the chair - I think he might have gone for
a triple had Shane not interjected. Jericho chases HIM around the ring,
over the barricade, and out the exit. Meanwhile, in the ring this
match....continues. Both men up...Rock Bottom! 1, 2, 3. Rock retains.
(8:12) Here's a replay of Shane's AWFUL AWFUL stomping, Jericho's run-in,
Rock's uranage - and the three count.
New Blood Rising promo sneaks into the local slot
Moments Ago - another angle of Jericho appearing - if he REALLY wanted to
get the surprise entrance, he'd have not had his pyro and music go off -
but that's just me.
Shane and Benoit rant and rave to Foley. Jericho deserves to be punished!
Foley says he'll punish Jericho. "What if I put Jericho in a position
where two world-class athletes can beat the living hell out of him?" Shane
says they'll be happy to take him out - Foley says no, he's putting him in
the #1 Contender's match. Shane says that's not much of a punishment, and
I'm inclined to agree...
TAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ is out to make noise. "Madison Square Garden -
New York City - my home town! Well I guess that means you people and me
have something in common - we're all native New Yorkers. Well, you see the
comparison ends THERE. Because while you people are scraping nickels and
dimes together to feed your fat kids. I, in the game of life, have made it
- you haven't! BOOOOOOO on the hometown boy. Hahahahaha. Well you know
what. I expect you people to boo me. You see, you don't know any better -
you're preconditioned to boo the bad guy, but you see - there's somebody in
this building that I expect just a little bit more from, and that's you -
good ol' JR! Let's go back in time. Fully Loaded, you said, and I quote:
'oh that Tazz, he's a piece of garbage!' Unquote! You said, last week,
Monday Night RAW, and I quote: 'oh that Tazz, he's just another victim to
the stinkyface!' Unquote! You got a problem with me, old timer? You got
a problem with me? You know what you are? You ain't nothin' but a redneck
scumbag!" Ross stands up. "Hey Lawler, you better sit your ass down,
'fore you get choked out. This is between him and me - sit down, shut up.
So you're standing up - so I guess that means you wanna fight me, huh? You
people wanna see JR kick my ass? I'll tell you what--" and he knocks off
his hat. "Where I'm from, you just got punked out. You wanna fight, JR?
You wanna slap me across my face, hah? You know what - I'd love to slap
you across your face, but it looks like God already beat me to it." Crowd
(and me): "OHHHHHH!" Ross finally hauls off and slaps him one! "I didn't
wanna have to do that." Tazz laughs. "Hahahahaha - you know what would
make my day? You know what would make me the happiest man in the world?
If you were to do that one more time. C'mon, JR, be John Wayne, play hero,
one more time, right there, I'm begging you, hit me, hit me again, I'm
begging you, swing, swing, swing!" Ross is ready to do it, but Lawler
catches Ross' arm and holds it back - then HE pastes Tazz instead.
Lawler starts to remove his jacket but the referee corps is out to
keep them apart. We take another look at Lawler - then abruptly fade to
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Ross
apologises for his unprofessional conduct. Lawler: "I don't think you did
- what do you got to apologise for? The guy's a jerk!" Crowd chants
"Jerry." Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago. You know what's fun? Count
how many times you can hear Tazz audibly inhale while he's screaming.
Last Thursday, Drew Pearson was named GM of the New York/New Jersey XFL
franchise. Lookit the crazy football! Lookit the crazy Vince McMahon!
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with Skippy) v. ACOLYTES & MATT
HARDY - Hardy rushes Edge and it's on. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda
actually manages to keep it one-on-one at the start! Into the ropes is
reversed, duck, swinging DDT by Hardy, shot for Christian, shot for Show
has no effect - well it's a big headbutt. Edge stomps all over Hardy and
tags in Christian. Into the ropes, sidewalk slam/reverse DDT combo.
Christian covers for 2, Bradshaw breaks it up. Christian stomps, stomp,
Hardy punches back twice. Off the ropes, gutshot by Christian, going for
the powerbomb, but Hardy slides through and there's a Russian legsweep.
Tag to Bradshaw - big boot for Christian, one for Edge, right hand for each
man, Show in, right for HIM, Faarooq in, they both pummel on the Show, into
the ropes, double shoulderblock takes him off his feet. Faarooq stomping
on Edge - Dominator coming up, but Show has a tag team title belt - WAFFLE.
WAFFLE for Bradshaw. What a NOTHIN' match. No wonder the crowd wasn't in
it. (DQ 1:38) Hardy on top - going for a top-rope Thesz press - Show
catches him and powerbombs him down. The music fires up and THE GHOST
RIDER is back. Oh, THAT was the purpose of this match. I guess they gave
it away when the STEEL steps mysteriously ended up on their sides and away
from the ring, eh? Undertaker drives down, DOESN'T lap the ring, instead
throwing punches to take out Edge and Christian. "Big Show - I choose
YOU!" In the ring, block, soupbone, left, soupbone, left, repeat about
eight times total, ending with a soupbone, and a bit boot that takes Show
over the top rope to the outside. Shane tries to fly in and has no effect.
SOUPBONE! 'Taker tosses Shane over the top rope to the floor - then climbs
on his Lark - I mean, bike - to chase him up the ramp. Shane leaps onto
the scaffolding just to the left of the TitanTron. Undertaker leaves his
bike--but Show is over and they're gonna go at it again. Undertaker ducks
the Show's right hand, then goes back to the rapid-fire body blows. He
stole that from Yun Yang, you know. Seven pairs later, one big soupbone
reels the Show. Soupbone! Soupbone! 'Taker wraps his fist in a chain -
SOUPBONE! Choke with the chain - he's gonna toss him - and off he goes,
through a table at the edge of the stage. Hey, who is "SARA" and why is
Undertaker wearing a necklace with her name on it? (Wink wink) Play his
music! HEY HEY HEY HEY
Moments Ago - Show may lack conditioning, but he can still fall through
During the Break, Shane hightailed it to a waiting limo and drove off
Back live, the EMT's ask Show what day it is. He fails to answer.
Meanwhile, in Triple H's dressing room, Jericho flies in and
attacks. They ruin a PERFECTLY good plate of fruit
SummerSlam promo - hey, I thought the Kat and Terri had issues - how come
they're all friendly on the beach, huh? HUH? WHERE'S YOUR CONTINUITY
That was a real nothin' happenin' segment, yo
GOD I wish somebody WOULD pop the lock so I wouldn't have to see this JC
Penney ad anymore. Hey, how come they keep spelling it "Penny" in the
fineprint? Somebody should be FIRED for that GRIEVOUS misspelling of the
Hey, another exterior shot! This show is brought to you by Foot Locker
House of Hoops, 1-800-COL-LECT, and Stacker 2!
Moments Ago - didn't we just DO Moments Ago? Hey, let's have a replay of
the replay! BOLD INNOVATIVE TELEVISION
Triple H is WALKING! and looking for Jericho. He stumbles upon Angle and
gives him a shove. "Man, you really need some anger management classes,
don't you?" Shove. "You wait 'til the ring!"
Earlier Today, the line was long for WWF New York seating.
Moments Ago, a limousine pulled up to WWF New York, and Eddie Guerrero and
Chyna got out. Eddie fails to continue to sell the piledriver - well,
forget I said anything about it earlier, then.
Chris Jericho is WALKING! I wonder if Triple H will find him before the ad
break's up - probably not.
TWO wasted segments in a row! TWO!
Hey, didja hear that the Rock was at the Republican National Convention?
He also sat in front of President and Mrs. Bush - damn, he gets better
seats than the former president? Still, it would have been funny if he'd
said "suck it." True story: the Libertarian party called me up last week
and asked if I'd run for a nonpartisan Santa Clara County office.
Fortunately, they haven't been able to reach me since that call, and the
deadline to file is Friday - I think I'll escape the call of civic duty as
a citizen this year. I ALSO think the county is much better off without me
elected to serve on the Mid Peninsula Open Space District, El Camino
Hospital District, or Santa Clara Valley Water District.
KING KURT ANGLE v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO v. THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Ono)
in a triple threat #1 Contender's match - Ross proclaims Jericho's injury
"near career-threating," which would explain why he's back after a whole
ten days. Angle offers the Hand of Friendship to Jericho...Jericho spits
on him instead. H doesn't make it to the end of the ramp before LA ROCA
interrupts "My Time" with "If Ya Smell...." and walks out to provide guest
commentary. H hits the ring and he and Jericho go at it while Angle
watches. Into the ropes, reversed, Jericho tossed over the top rope to the
floor. Angle and H lock horns now - shoving match ensues - Jericho back in
with a double noggin knocker, knocking each man down with a clothesline,
right for each man, Angle into the ropes, back elbow, stomp, running
clothesline puts H outside. Angle runs at Jericho and gets dumped to the
outside. Jericho with a springboard dropkick to H on the apron, who falls
into a clothesline for Angle on the floor! Angle and H shoving again on
the floor - Jericho with a tope onto both men, and smacking his own head on
the ramp on the way down. H meets the steps, and Jericho rolls him back in
- missile dropkick gets 2 and Angle saves. Right by Angle, right, into the
ropes, Jericho reverses, Angle holds on, gutshot, going for the Olympic
slam, Jericho cartwheels out of the attempt, landing on his feet,
clothesline ducked, double leg takedown, Walls of Jericho! H
regards this with amusement, and waits a moment before saving him before he
taps. H grabs Jericho, Jericho with a block, right, right, right, into the
ropes, reversal, duck, high knee by H. H with a right, Angle pushes H
aside so HE can kick Jericho. H pushes him aside and HE stomps on Jericho
- Angle shoves him aside and so on. Now H and Angle have some words in the
centre of the ring. H grabs Jericho, who blocks and punches. Chop.
Right, into the ropes, head down, facebuster. 1, 2, Angle pulls H off of
Jericho. Right hand pastes H. Angle turns to Jericho with a right.
Right, right, into the ropes, NICE overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Leg is
hooked - 1, 2, H breaks it up. H runs Angle through the ropes to the
floor. Got Jericho up in a vertical suplex - and down. Angle in the ring
to break the count at 2. There's a shot for H. H with a knee, right,
right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, head down,
kick by H, clothesline by Angle, clothelsine by JERICHO on Angle, one for
H, gutshot for Angle, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, flying jalapeno
by Jericho! Gutshot for Triple H, right, right, right, right, whip into
the opposite corner is reversed, Jericho with a spinning heel kick. Jericho
rams Angle's head into Triple H's pecker. Bulldog for Angle. Jericho is
ready - but H clubs him in the head as he attempts the Lionsault. Triple H
ready to Pedigree Jericho - Jericho fighting it - double leg - he's got
Triple H in the Walls - no, check that - it's a catapult into the post! He
really rang H's bell there, and H falls backwards next to Angle. Jericho
to the ropes - Lionsault on BOTH men! 1--Jericho rolls backwards clutching
his ribs. He tries the cover again - 1, 2, both men get a shoulder up.
Jericho goes up top to try a moonsault...but H shoves referee "Blind" Earl
Hebner into the ropes, causing him to unwittingly crotch Jericho on the top
turnbuckle. Everybody down. Angle and H BOTH climb to the second rope -
DOUBLE BELLY-TO-BACK SUPERPLEX!! All three men are down again. Now Angle
*and* H each slowly put an arm over Jericho...Hebner counts - 1, 2, 3. But
who's won? (6:46) Who is the #1 Contender? No music plays... Hebner
tries to tell Stephanie what's up. Hebner makes the "I saw it" pantomime.
H and Angle start shoving again....Hebner raises BOTH their arms, just as
Rock comes in to make it ...well, I guess you'd want me to say
"interesting." Right for H, right, right, right, Rock Bottom, Rock Bottom
for Angle, Stephanie spins him around and slaps him one. Rock makes a
face. He catches a SECOND slap - and Rock Bottoms Stephanie! "If ya
smelllllll..." So is it a Triple Threat at SummerSlam...or will we settle
this at SmackDown!...or will we have a few more twists with five more shows
until SummerSlam? We won't tell ya tonight - credits and WWF logo see to
that - but I'll be back next time and we'll find out together!
AFTER THE FACT: Hey CRZ,
Thought you might like to know what went on before/after Raw tonight at MSG.
There were two dark matches:
The Dupps beat some team from Oklahoma with some sort of double spinebuster
type move which didn't look all that great, and the Mean Street Posse
(Rodney and Pete "Gas") beat some unnamed team with Rodney's full nelson
power bomb. Nobody really cared about either match but my friends and I
managed to get a decent "Mean Street Posse" chant going.
The Big Boss Man squashed TAKA Michinoku and pinned him after a Boss Man
Slam; Dean Malenko (w/ hos) beat Essa Rios with the Texas Cloverleaf; Steve
Blackman got good pops as he defended his title against Mideon and won with
a Lethal Kick to a garbage can; and Lo Down beat Crash/Gangrel when Crash
was attacked by the Boss Man, leading to the superplex/frogsplash combo.
Raw was one of the best I've seen lately, with Rock, Jericho, and Lawler
getting the biggest pops. I was quite pleased at the number of "Rocky
sucks" chants that were started and disappointed by the loud chants of "Save
the hos" and the big pop for the Undertaker. Triple H got mostly face heat
throughout the night, while Shane/Benoit/Stephanie got the most heal heat.
Triple H gave CPR to Stephanie, patted her on the ass a few times, posed and
hugged her, and left together.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman