by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 13 1/8 (- 7/8 ... last year: 22 13/16)
PPV: Rick was right and Scott was wrong - wait, I say that EVERY month
AWARDS: Already got sixty ballots! By next week, I'll have a webified
version, but you should go find it on Usenet NOW! Here's a link to the call for
votes if your browser has a news server specified, a link to the past winners and
category descriptions, a link to the list of
nominations, and finally a link to the official
ballot. Jump on board!
CATCHY LYRIC: BIRD OF PREY...BIRD OF PREY...FLYING HIGH...FLYING
HIGH...BIRD OF PREY...BIRD OF PREY...IN THE SUMMER SKY...FLYING HIGH...
TONIGHT: Hot off the heels of a polarizing pay-per-view, tonight we'll have
a first-ever "Tables vs. Titles" match! The Dudleyz will either win the
titles...or forego the use of tables! A big pair tag team pairings as Rock
and Chris Jericho team against Rikishi and Kane! Plus, we'll see the
shocking conclusion of Survivor Series! Is Triple H still with us? All
signs point to....tune in at 9
One World TV-14-DLV-CC Leader Attitude - WWF!
LAST NIGHT: Although you gotta ask - how *did* Helmsley MISS that GIANT
forklift coming right at him?
Well, we haven't heard ten bells by now, so I guess he ain't dead -
otherwise, it's really out of place to have all this PYRO! WE ARE LIVE
from the Waterhouse Centre in Orlando, FL 20.11.2K and transmitido en
espanol SAP on TNN and maybe TSN for WWF RAW is WAR!
OH NO THEY'RE GONNA BLOW THE WHOLE THING - oh, wait. "My Time" (the old
one) plays and out walks....STEPHANIE ONO! In case you've been missing
out, let me relate to you that the latest "smart" thing for you to do to
look "smart" is to openly and publicly bash Stephanie for "writing 100% of
the show," which apparently sucks now. And THIS, my friends, is why
"smart" fans are by and large, and for the most part...*idiots*. Yeah, you
too. ESPECIALLY you. Nutjob. And you want us to think you're making a
LIVING doing this? Jesus Christ. Now where was I? Ahh, yes....clad
completely in black, Stephanie (who, despite extensive AND derisive reports
to the contrary, DOES NOT appear to be carrying a book of some kind) is
ready to address the live crowd - AND you and me! "It's a miracle! It is
truly a miracle that my husband Hunter is alive! After what Austin did to
Triple H last night at Survivor Series...I mean, Austin RAMMED Hunter's
car, jacked it up some forty feet in the air, and then just DUMPED the car
CRASHING to the pavement! The car flipped in midair - it landed on its
roof - the roof was all crunched in! The car was totalled! I THANK GOD -
I thank God that Triple H even survived! I would be at Triple H's bedside
right now if he didn't ask me to come to this arena tonight and speak on
his behalf to all of you! Okay...I know a lot of you don't like my
husband, Triple H. But after what Austin did to Triple H last night, I
know that you are all deeply concerned for his physical condition.
Miraculously, Hunter didn't suffer one broken bone...but, but he does have
severe contusions, and and deep lacerations, not to mention.... ["Austin!"]
Not to mention all the mental trauma. The doctor has Triple H under
medical care for the next few days...maybe even until Thanksgiving. The
doctor says it was a miracle Hunter was able to breathe on his own. But
then, holidays are all about miracles, aren't they? ["Austin!"] Y'know,
I'm not sure if it's because of the holiday season drawing so near, or if
it's because of his near-death experience, but Hunter is finally listening
to me...he finally understands that this thing between he and Stone Cold
Steve Austin has got to end, and it's got to end right now. Hunter wanted
me to come here tonight and offer his deepest, his deepest regrets for many
of the things he has done. And I regret the things that I have done, too.
Triple H wanted me to publicly apologise to Stone Cold Steve Austin...and
to all of you! I know, I know...I don't expect any of you to believe us -
I mean, why should you? But, I'm here to apologise on Triple H's behalf
nonetheless. Triple H does not hold anything against Stone Cold, and
neither do I, but quite frankly the stakes are just too high. I nearly
lost my husband last night. But speaking of life and about miracles...I
wanna let you know where I've been the past few weeks. Hunter and I have
been trying to discover the miracle of life together. (Uh oh...) I'm not
talking about our marriage or, or, even relationships, but about FAMILY.
Triple H and I are trying to have a baby! So... ["slut!"] Hey, now I'm
not sure if it's because of this brush with death, but Triple H finally
realises what's important in life - it's his family, and his legacy, so
Steve...I'm begging you to come out here...please come out here and accept
Triple H and my apology on behalf of my future family. Please end this
thing between you, Austin, and my husband Triple H...before it ends us
all." "Austin!" I hear glass, must be time for STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN to
STEP OFF BECAUSE THE MAN SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING and
stagger to all four corners. I hope he'll say "at least I got my hat
back!" Austin has a mic of his own. "You know you come out here and
you're talkin' about miracles - honey, let me tell you what a miracle is -
a miracle is the fact that I don't give you a Stone Cold Stunner right here
right now for bein' so full o' CRAP! However, you come out here, apologise
about this, apologise about that - hey I got some apologies I wanna make
too. Now I ain't gonna say I'm sorry for raisin' Triple H forty feet up in
the air and droppin' him on his head, because I enjoyed every second of it.
What I *am* sorry about is the fact that I didn't scoop that car up again,
and drop that sumbitch as many times as it took to get that job done!
Hell, I'm sorry 'bout the fact that he's layin' in the hospital bed right
now instead of down there at the county morgue! I'm sorry right now I
gotta smell your stinkin' breath when you should be at the funeral home
pickin' up a casket! Then, you got the nerve to ask me to accept Triple
H's apology. You got the nerve to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin that. So
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do...I'm gonna give you a little message to
take back to Triple H - I'm gonna g- no no no no. I could give you a
message to take back to Triple H, but I know the sumbitch is in a hospital
bed with the TV - with his TV right there in front of him, so Hunter, look
at your little TV screen. Does Stone Cold accept your apology? (middle
finger) Eh eh! That's what I think about your little apology, and you know
- what really, what really gets me sick to my stomach, I hear you come out
here and you flap your gums about having a baby with Triple H. I regret
the day that comes around when I drive up to the hospital on that day to
offer my condolences - roll over and look at that little, uh, incubator
thing, look down there and see a fifteen pound nose so full o' manure they
can't keep diapers on the little bastard." "(sobbing) How can you say
th--" "Shut up! You look at me - woman, you look me in my eyes, and you go
back there and you get your ass out of this ring and you tell Triple H that
it ain't over, it ain't over by a long shot, between Triple H and Stone
Cold Steve Austin, and that's the bottom line 'cause Stone Cold said so."
Ladies and gentlemen, we have an attempted heel turn. Stephanie walks off
crying. Before Austin can get a beer, CHRIS BENOIT's music interrupts and
oot he comes. "You know, for someone that claims to be THE toughest
SOB in the World WRESTLING Federation, I don't see a hell of a lot of
wrestling! Sure, you've proven to *everyone* that you're DAMN good with a
forklift...(sarcastic clap)...and yeah, you might be pretty good with a
Stunner, too. But you know what, Steve, *I* have been toe to toe with you,
and I am not impressed. So I wonder just how well you'd fare in an actual
'wrestling' match...you do know what this is, Steve? *Wrestling?* THE
business that we're in? One man versus another? No monster trucks, no
chef hat, no forklifts, no...Steve, just WRESTLING. And if you don't, why
don't you step in the ring tonight and let *me* teach you, 'cause when you
step into the ring with the best damn technical wrestler in the entire
industry, you will leave knowing that there is no way you will EVER Prove
Me Wrong, and that is just the way it is!" "Well, then allow me to rebut.
You know, I hear everybody flapping their gums every week about how Chris
Benoit is the greatest technical wrestler in the history of the World
Wrestling Federation - I think that's just fine and dandy because, hell,
Stone Cold Steve Austin probably ain't in the Top 5, 10, whatever, BUT the
last time I did check the rankings, technically, Stone Cold Steve Austin
was the #1 rated beer drinker IN the history of the World Wrestling
Federation! BUT...let me go to public opinion on this deal - if you wanna
see me give this snaggletooth son of a (beep) a Stone Cold wrestling
lesson, gimme a hell yeah! All right, you dumb bastard, you got your
match." Play his music again! Maybe NOW he can have a beer!
Outside the arena, a crying Stephanie gets in her limousine...and it drives
off. When even *Jim "It's my sole purpose in life to give Steve Austin
blowjobs" Ross* says "I think Austin's gone too far," it ain't TOO hard to
see where they're trying to steer us...we can only wonder how long they'll
try it, if they have the guts to stick with it, AND....if it works.
'twould be interesting, non? ("You're so wrong! Clearly this is
DESPERATION and the WWF is LOSING IT!" "Hey, I *already* called you a
nutjob - GIT.")
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by the motor oil that
drives hard - Castrol! From Survivor Series last night, Venis and Richards
each go through a table. I heard some "smarks" tell me that this was
UNDENIABLE PROOF that RtC was disbanding tonight, which just goes to prove
what I'm saying tonight: smarks are IDIOTS
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: RIGHT TO CENSOR (with Steven Richards) v. DUDLEY
BOYZ in a "titles vs. tables match" - Buchanan: "Dudleyz - tonight we will
put our titles against your tables, 'cause RtC is gonna FIGHT the
GOOOOOOOOD FIGHT! Because every tahm you drag a table from underneath this
ring, it promotes gratuitous violence, and we will not - CAN NOT allow it
anymore!" Goodfather: "People...when you cheer for a man goin' through a
table...you are cheering for the VERY thing that keeps us uncivilised -
creates chaos - and WE WILL NOT ALLOW IT! So tonight, after we beat the
Dudley Boyz, the tables are GONE...and so are your preverse cheers. And
it's *for* YOUR OWN GOOD." Richards is STILL holding his neck from last
night's table romp and has no words. The Dudleyz carry a table - for the
last time? - and set it up outside the ring. Pier Four brawl as the men in
camo hit the ring. In opposite corners with RtC in control. "We want
table!" chant. Double whip, Dudleyz do si do and land clotheslines. Ivory
defends the women's title tonight! D-Von tosses Goodfather while Buh Buh
Ray bodyslams Buchanan - sat up on the second rope...distracted by
Goodfather, and Buchanan pops him one in the gut, then beals him back in.
Forearm to the back, tag, shoulder-first into the turnbuckle, forearm to
the back of the head. Buchanan, on the outside, wraps the arm around the
ringpost. Goodfather pulls him up and goes to work on the arm - pound,
pound, pound. Arm around the top rope...to a hammerlock. Referee "Blind"
Mike Chioda forces a break - he tries to kick, but Goodfather goes to the
eyes. Tag, axehandle off the top...to the arm. Into the ropes, sleeper by
Buchanan. Molly Holly is the challenger later tonight! Richards screaming
at Buchanan to keep it on him - arm falls once, arm falls twice, arm does
not fall thrice....Dudley turns in and hits a belly-to-belly suplex.
Crawling to D-Von - tag! Duck, into the ropes, jumping back elbow, into
the ropes, flying jalapeno, shot for Buchanan, hangman's neckbreaker, 1, 2,
Buchanan saves. "We want tables!" Both RtC stays in - into the ropes -
duck, double clothesline by D-Von! Covering Goodfather - 1, 2, Buchanan
breaks it up. Buh Buh Ray comes in as well - what happens if it's a DQ?
Goodfather knocked out with a clothesline. Buchanan has D-Von sat up on
top...setting up for a superplex, but Buh Buh Ray goes to the back and puts
him on his shoulders - Dudley Device! Steven Richards, who was on the
apron, is brought in the hard way...then tossed outside. Goodfather put
into the ropes - the crowd sees it coming - yes! 3D! (Dudley Death Drop!)
D-Von covers....1, 2, Richards pulls him out of the ring. Somehow, Chioda
actually *sees* this and calls for the bell. (4:20 - huh) I guess we get
no change...Buh Buh Ray manages to pull in Richards by the tie post-match,
however - "wassup" spot - testify - D'Von, get the table. Buh Buh Ray
superbombs him through the table and Richards is sure to stick his ass high
in the air while selling it. Here's a replay. Did Buh Buh Ray hurt
his left arm? Hmm, Right to Censor still have the belts...
MICHAEL KING COLE stands with Chris Jericho. "Mitchell Cole, would you
please SHUT THE HELL UP? And Kane Kane Kane Kane Kane Kane Kane. After
all we've been through, I don't hate you - no, I would like to thank you.
Yeah, I wanna thank you for everything that you've taught me, I mean my
whole life, first my father taught me how to shoot a hockey puck, then my
second grade teacher Mrs. Yakovitz taught me all about pathogenic
oculodissonance [whatever], and now, Kane, you taught me how to go through
a plate glass window using only my head, and you taught me how to go
through an announce table using only my ass. So in return, after our match
last night at Survivor Series, I decided I would teach you a few things.
So I taught you what it felt like to have your head rammed through a steel
garage door, then I taught you what it feels like to be beaten mercilessly
about the head with a and upper torso with a 2x4, and then I taught you how
to get up close and personal with members of the steel pipe family. And
now, since I'm not stable enough to have a one-on-one match with you, we
have a tag match, so it looks like, Kane, that Y2J's lesson in violence is
not going to end tonight. No, as a matter of fact, as far as you're
concerned, jerky, this lesson will never....ever....end.
Kurt Angle takes the Rock's spot in this sequel to the "WWF SmackDown!" for
the PlayStation ad - strangely enough, the game is named "WWF SmackDown! 2"
Mayhem ad in the local slot - it's SUNDAY!
The WWF Rewind is brought to you by "WWF No Mercy" for the N64! By the
way, I bought an N64 last Saturday...unfortunately, I haven't yet opened my
copy of "No Mercy" because, and I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but I'm
COMPLETELY hooked on "Hey You, Pikachu." Anyway, from Survivor Series,
Rikishi takes his loss rather poorly, hitting a Rikishikick and FOUR Banzai
WOW! Kevin Kelly stands in front of an EXCITING DOOR!
At the T&APA office, Test and Albert admire the new digs - disco ball,
optic light, and all they need is...women dancing? There's a knock at the
door...it's William Regal! He's got a hardcore match with Bob Holly
tonight, and he needs some protection. After a brief bought of confusion
amongst T&A, they finally figure out what he's asking for. "You're hired.
And Trish, as far as what kind of girl I think you are, I think you're very
Meanwhile, Holly watches this on a monitor - HE MUST BE THE SMARTEST MAN
ALIVE!! Behind him stands...Crash. "I got your back tonight!" "Well if
that isn't a comforting thought! Ya dumb bastard." "Just trying to help!"
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY, who missed his cue and tried to start talking before
we were done with the LAST shot, stands in the towering presence of the
Rock. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Orlando! You see, Rikishi, with
everything that the Rock did to you last night at Survivor Series, beating
you in the middle of the ring, 1, 2, 3...with every Rock Bottom, with every
People's Elbow, the Rock still stands before you tonight...not satisfied.
You see, Rikishi, with every Banzai Drop, with every sledgehammer to the
chest, with every ounce of blood that the Rock was spitting up, the Rock
doesn't want you to bring it, nononono, the Rock is simply gonna bring
it...to you. And Rikishi, this tag match tonight - it's not about winning,
it's not about losing. The Rock could care less whose shoulders get
pinned. Whether you pin somebody's shoulders, whether you pin the tail on
the donkey, or whether, Rikishi, your momma pins a note to your chest that
says 'the Rock just whooped my big fat candyass!' You see, Rikishi, just
like at Survivor Series when you left the Rock layin' - just like at
SmackDown! when you left the Rock layin' - just like on RAW is WAR last
Monday night when you left the Rock layin'...in tonight's match one way or
the other, the Rock is gonna plant you with the Rock Bottom, and you will
be layin', the Rock will be walkin', this hermaphrodite will still be
standin', and one way or the other, the millions of the Rock's fans twice
the world over, from Chesapeake Bay, to Sydney Australia,
Ching Pong Ding Dong, Japan will ALLLLLLLLL smell what the Rock is cookin'!"
I think he set a record for most "lists of three items" in one promo just then.
Hey, look! There's two ORLANDO RAGE players in the front row!
Michael King Cole stands with EARL HEBNER. Let Us Take You Back to
Survivor Series last night and show you the AWESOME ending to the
Angle/Undertaker title match. "Michael, it was just that simple. When I
went down to count 1, 2, 3, it was not the WWF Champion Kurt Angle, so
therefore I could not count to three and award the Undertaker the victory.
It's just that simple - what don't you understand?"
WILLIAM REGAL v. KOOL MOE DEE in a hardcore match - "I'm not sure of how
many of you are aware of this, but there is an XFL American football team
coming to your city called the Orlando Rage. But we all know that American
football isn't *real* football...and English...and English football..."
Poor Regal hasn't been able to finish a sentence since Hardcore Holly came
back. "WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP" graphic makes no sense, but they don't
have a plain old "hardcore rules" graphic. Holly brings a staff to the
ring with him, but Regal surprised him with a stomp, stomp, and grabs the
stick and breaks it across his back. More knees take Holly outside, and
Regal follows. Wow, this IS hardcore - Regal actually using PUNCHES!
Left, left, knee by Holly, right, left by Regal, Holly puts Regal's head
into the barricade. They brawl aside the stage and to the tech area -
Regal into a barricade. Holly with a fire extinguisher. Backstage, Steve
Blackman is watching the proceedings on a monitor. Gutshot, head to a
case, and here we walk behind the curtain. Regal shoves Holly into a
DEADLY PILE OF BOXES! Regal stands over him and throws a few lefts. Holly
with a pair of rights - got a trashcan but Regal is running off to find a
leather strap. Holly manages to take the can to Regal's head, but he hands
on and swings the strap - whip - stomp - into some catering shelves.
Right, right, head to a table...behind ANOTHER curtain and into a
dark area. To another table. Forearm across the back. Head to another
heavy case - forearm, kick, it's all holly. Got a camera - and hitting
Regal in the head with it! 1, 2, no! Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas staying
with them - Holly runs Regal's head into a truck. Here comes T&A to beat
up Holly - run into a garage door - and Albert squashes him with a
yaaaaaaah splash off Test's whip. Regal with a 2x4 across his head. Yeah,
that'll do it - 1, 2, 3. (2:59) Crash and Steve Blackman join the party
post-match and make merry with trashcan lids. The garage door opens, and
T&A make their escape in a...golf cart? Play Blackman's music!
Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Kane is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Rikishi is WALKING!
Meanwhile, the Rock is WALKING! THE WWF IS CREATIVELY TAPPED AND DESPERATE
"WWF SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role" for the PlayStation 1 ad #2
Backstage, Tiger Ali Singh and Lo Down arrive...or, try to. Once again,
they're not on the list, and are denied entrance. Why doesn't Singh bribe
these guys? Or is he not THAT rich anymore?
RIKISHI and WELL IT'S KANE v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO and IF YA SMELLLLLLLL -
Rikishi's robe says "AKJ 4-Life" on the back. If I were smarter, I'd know
what that means and whether or not it was a Yokozuna thing. Jericho waits
for Rock, then they both sprint to the ring and it's on. Referee "Blind"
Teddy Long is gonna have a tough time keeping this one on one - Rock
quickly puts Rikishi outside while Kane decides to leave Jericho to be put
outside - Right hand puts Rock down. Here's our one on one. Right hand by
Kane. "Rock E" from the crowd. Into the corner, Rock pops out with a
clothesline, then points to Rikishi and makes the "just bring it"
pantomime. He runs at him...but Rikishi drops to the floor. Kane with a
blind clothesline. NOW Rikishi will take the tag. Stomp. Stomp, forearm,
stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp.
Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes with a dropped headbutt. Tag to Kane.
Holding him for an open shot to the chest. Kick. Into the ropes, Rock
ducks the clothesline, right, right, right, off the ropes...but into a
scoop...but he breaks free and hits a side Russian legsweep! But both men
are down. Tag to Jericho! Flying forearm for Kane, kick, kick, kick,
kick, kick, kick, kick, right, into the opposite corner is reversed, boot
up by "Y2J" (big chant)...but he runs into a Kane klothesline. Big right
hand. There's an elbow. Right hand. Into the ropes, Kane presses him
up...Jericho tries a dropkick at the apex, but barely grazes him. Jericho
DOES land a spinning heel kick....for 2. Right hand. Right. Chop. Into
the ropes is reversed by Kane, head down, kick by Jericho, off the ropes,
but into a big boot. Tag to Rikishi. Right hand to the chest. Stomp
between the legs. Castrol Double Feature. Into the ropes, hiptoss, no,
Jericho tries a hiptoss, HA HA NO, short clothesline by Rikishi. Taunt for
the Rock. BIG backbreaker across the knee by Rikishi. Jericho tries to
punch out - right, right, right, chop, chop, off the ropes, RIKISHIKICK
stops him cold! Tag to Kane - a shot from each man for Jericho. Kane
presses him up...holds him for a while...then slams him down. Cheap shot
for the Rock, drawing him in again. Doubleteam behind his back - Rikishi
stomping when he turns back around. The irony, of course, is they COULD
have tagged since they dragged him all the way over there...not too
dastardly, huh. Into the ropes, and Rikishi applies the sleeper. Jericho
is fading...no, he's back up - elbow, elbow, but Rikishi holds the hair -
going for it again, but Jericho slips behind...suplex - HA HA NO - shoving
Rikishi into the corner instead, schoolboy when he bounces back...only 2.
Going for the Walls of Jericho?? Nope, too much ass. Rikishi kicks out at
1, instead. Rikishi is up first - Jericho fires off a right, anothe
right, a third right, Rikishi with a chop. Into the opposite corner...he's
warming it up...but Jericho sidesteps the fat ass splash and dropkicks
Rikishi! Rock REALLY wants that tag - tag to Kane, HOT TAG to the Rock!
Right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, duck, gutshot, DDT,
shot for Rikishi, spinebuster for Kane, People's Elbow coming up...but
Rikishi pulls on his ankle. Rock gets up...and stumbles into Kane's choke!
But before HE can do anything, Jericho is off the top and OFF THA HOOK with
a missile dropkick that sends everybody tumbling...but HE runs into a
RIKISIHIKICK! While Rikishi goes over to the Rock to get back to stompin',
Jericho decides to bring a chair back in with him. WHACK! Long missed it
talking to Rikishi. Jericho with a shot to Rikishi, taking him
outside...and following. A woozy Kane staggers towards Rock - and into a
Rock Bottom! 1, 2, 3!! (8:29) After the match, Jericho mounts Kane andn
rains down rights on him, while Rock decides to go up the ramp to get
Rikishi. Rock brings HIM back to the ring as Jericho is attempting, once
again, to get the Walls of Jericho on somebody tonight. Rock with a
spinebuster on Rikishi. Jericho FINALLY gets Kane turned as Rock locks in
a Sharpshooter! More REFS come out to break up these holds. Play the
Rock's music again! Jericho manages a Lionsault about 3/4 of the way
across the ring onto Kane - WHOA! Not to be outdone, Rock gives Rikishi
Rock Bottom again! PLAY HIS MUSIC A THIRD TIME! IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL
Hell, I'm not even sure it's over...oh, I guess it is....for tonight,
Outside, another limousine pulls up...Kurt Angle and Kurt Angle #2 are
WALKING! Hmmm, I bet those guys who were keeping Singh and Lo Down away
are mysteriously GONE when THESE guys go through that door...
WWF SmackDown! returns to the Oakland Arena 9 January - tix on sale Friday,
1 December! Coincidentally, that's one night after RAW at the San Jose
What a picturesque view of the exterior of the Waterhouse Centre!
TONIGHT: Women's title on the line as Molly Holly challenges Ivory!
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER.
TONIGHT: Steve Austin takes on Chris Benoit!
KING KURT ANGLE 1 & 2 come down to ringside, along with the RAW credits and
the TV-14-DLV-CC ratings boxes. "Before I begin, I would like to address
something that's been brought to my attention. A little piece of business
known as the Survivor Series Screwjob. From Austin getting run down last
year to Bret Hart and Vince McMahon in Montreal, it seems that each year,
something *screwy* goes down and a new champion is crowned." Whatever DID
happen to that Big Show guy, anyway? "And for those of you that were too
cheap to buy the pay-per-view, I am pleased to announce that the annual
Survivor Series Screwjob was avoided. And no, a new champion was NOT
crowned! For once...the good guy prevailed! And managed to retain the
title. Unfortunately, last night did not go without a hitch. I would like
all of you to meet my older brother, ERIC ANGLE. Although not an Olympic
Gold Medalist (but let's face it, not many of us are), but Eric is an
all-American athlete, and the best big brother a guy could have. And it
was Eric's idea to surprise his baby brother by hiding underneath the ring
and then coming out, as a surprise to celebrate MY win over the Undertaker.
Isn't that right?" "Oh, it's true, Kurt...it's true." "So...["ass
hole!"]...would you people have some respect, please? So, here's my older
brother, waiting to come out from underneath the ring, to surprise me, to
celebrate with me after my win, after the match, when the Undertaker
cowardly pulled him out from underneath the ring and gives him the Last
Ride! I mean, honestly, Undertaker, what is your problem?! So. Last
night...I ended up winning the title. I ended up the Champion. And I will
remain the Champion for a very, very long time. Isn't that right?" "It's
true, Kurt...it's DAMN true." BONG ARE YOU SCARED HE'S HERE HEY HEY HEY
HEY is out, shakes his head, removes his cap and sunglasses...and walks
down to the ring. Kurt helpfully shoves his brother into the path of the
oncoming Dead Man - choke, boot for Kurt, chokeslam for Eric. Soupbone for
Kurt, soupbone, soupbone and Kurt falls outside. 'Taker follows - head to
the apron, soupbone, up the ramp we go, boot, soupbone, at the top of the
ramp now...soupbone, left, soupbone, left, soupbone, choke...he's not gonna
chokeslam him off the stage - OH YES HE IS, and through a table to boot!
Play his music! Ross proclaims him chokeslammed all the way to hell.
Sunglasses back on, cap back on. 'Taker walks back over to survey his
carnage...then proclaims "Power to the people!" Here's a replay of Angle's
carcass doing major damage. Big six man coming up after the break!
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"SmackDown! 2" ad #3
Moments Ago, Undertaker had a spot of fun with the Angle Brothers
During the Break EMT's tended to Kurt
Backstage, Undertaker visits the Commissioner, telling him it's time to pay
up. "What do I owe you for?" "What do you owe me for? You owe me for
throwing you 25 feet off the top of Hell in the Cell!" "Owe you? You just
about killed me that night!" "Yeah, that may be true...but what I did was
I make you famous!" Foley can't argue with that - what's he want? He
wants to make the Angle Brothers famous just like he made Foley famous. He
wants a handicap match. "I wanna get it on!" Foley says he made a mess
out of those two. "Well let me clean up my mess!" Foley says until he can
determine the Angles' condition, he'll have to take his request under
advisement. 'Taker tells him to make it happen, or Dead Man Inc. will go
into business for itself. Foley gives us fear.
MOM II and THA 1 BILLY GUNN v. EDDIE GUERRERO & DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN
(with Nipples) - Guerrero runs in and goes after Gunn, so there's your
starting couple - right, right, right, right, right, all simultaneous, now
only Gunn with the right, right, into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl, but Guerrero
lands on his feet - into the ropes, duck, tilt-a-whirl slam connects. Tag
to Dogg - into the corner, press - one-handed press by Gunn - and drop.
Dogg with a wiggly wobbly Wookiely kneedrop, but only gets 2. Guerrero
right, right, right, into the ropes, duck, Dogg left, left, left, juke,
Malenko in and HE gets a pop from Dogg, Dogg ducks a clothesline, then hits
the right, but Saturn is in with a superkick that puts Dogg down. All
three men stomping away until referee "Blind" Jack Doan finally notices
more than one guy in for this team. Malenko tagged in - open kick - into
the ropes, double back elbow. Malenko with a press - 2. Head to the
turnbuckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, choke, kick, into the opposite corner,
follow clothesline, kick, snapmare, tag to Saturn, stomp by Saturn, half
exploder/half death suplex. Dogg put in the corner, but he gets a boot up.
Gobehind by Saturn, to a hammerlock, back in front, knees to the head. Sat
up on top - death superplex is countered when Dogg twists in midair into a
splash! Both men down and slowly getting to their corners....Saturn grabs
an ankle, but Dogg kicks him away and makes the tag to K-Kwik! Right,
right, right, wacky dancing, right. Into the ropes, YIKESrana, somehow
Kwik is still walking despite landing on his own head, right, into the
ropes is reversed, slightly less scary headscissors, gourdbuster, cover,
but Guerrero breaks it up - whoops, better bar that door as a Pier Six has
broken out...make that Pier Seven as even *Terri* comes in, pulling Kwik
off of Saturn - he turns around, but before he can pop her one, Saturn
clotheslines him in the back and tosses him out. But Gunn is in...big
press - toss to Saturn, who makes the XFL fair catch...but that's enough of
a distraction to allow Gunn to catch him in the Fame'Asser...and Kwik is in
position to hit a firebird (450) splash for the 1, 2, 3. (Call 4:11) Ross
proclaims it "scintillating" and also adds about 270.
Back in the commissioner's office, Edge & Christian seek an audience and
express concern over their actions in Angle's match last night with the
Undertaker. They think they may have overstepped their bounds with a man
with a decade of destruction behind him. "You know, no one has heard from
Kamala ever since the 'taker put him in a casket!" Christian asks Foley to
relay their apologies...and deliver this urn. Foley says it's too late -
after what they've done at Survivor Series, they've "urned" a handicap
match with the Undertaker tonight! "Look on the bright side, he'll make
you famous!" They take off. Christian: "It's cold and everything!"
Foley: (to himself) "Did Kamala work for Baba two years later...?"
BAZOOKA JO(ANI)E, who is the guest host this Sunday on Heat, is out.
Remember when Heat also had special musical guests? She takes third
headset...why? All that's happening NOW is a li'l ol' Women's
Championship...she'd have no interest in THAT, would she?
WWF WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: IVORY (with Let Us Take You Back) v. MOLLY HOLLY
- Last night at Survivor Series, Ivory connected a little too well with a
punch to Lita, busting her open and requiring plenty of stitches. Ross
notes that Ivory is in pants tonight - hope it helps! Ivory runs at Holly
(comes out to Crash's music), who drops down in a semi-drop toehold. Arm
wringer. Another wring. Was that La Majistral? 1, 2, no. Ivory with a
full nelson, Holly breaks free and cartwheels out - but Ivory hits a
facejam, stomp, stomp, stomp. Head to the buckle, again, into the opposite
corner, bulldog is blocked and Ivory lands hard. Holly climbing up top -
big splash! Knife-edge chop! Chop (right in the booby)! Ivory pulls her
through the ropes to the floor. Holly back up on the apron - Ivory swings
but Holly ducks - hot shot. TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL catches
Holly with a DDT out on the floor and puts her back in - Ivory is quick to
cover and referee "Blind" Chad Patton wakes up - 1, 2, 3. (1:34)
The Undertaker leaves his dressing room to find the urn outside...with a
note attached. "Undertaker, for a decade of aweseomeness. You totally
rule. Edge & Christian. Sounds like somebody's messin' around in the dead
man's yard..." and he dumps the urn in a nearby trash can.
WWF cookbook ad
WCW Mayhem ad #2
Tonight on the Channel 5 news, an expose of REAL backyard wrestling! CRAZY
CBS SYNERGRY MAN
This Sunday on WWF Superstars, a special look at the Rock's special guest
appearance on "DAG!"
EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by THQ's "WWF No
Mercy," Norelco, and Twix!) v. HEY HEY HEY HEY (on his Beautiful Titan
Bike) - I notice that the STEEL steps have mysteriously floated their way
over to the barricade, standing up on end. How DO they do that? I may
NEVER know. Here's a riddle I just wrote: Q: What do Undertaker and
Goldberg have in common? A: They both throw a mean soupbone. Except
Goldberg. Did you hear referee "Blind" Tim White tell them to go home?
(Last Ride -> pin Christian 2:42) Replay of the Wedgiebomb, and a
post-match chokeslam for Edge. VROOM VROOM DEAD MAN - Power to tha peeps!
Guerrero says "esse" a few dozen times and tells Benoit to take on Austin
"Chris Benoit style." Malenko tells him if Austin tries anything like he
did with Hunter last night (Saturn: "Man, I HOPE he tries it!"), they got
his back. Benoit pronounces Austin "done" tonight.
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"SmackDown! 2" ad #4
Here's a look at WWF New York
Let Us Take You Back Once Again to the same highlight package that opened
the show - I guess you're as relieved as I am to learn that Triple H's last
words won't necessarily be "holy shit"
Commentators make some noise.
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight when Stephanie made some noise.
Then, Austin made some noise. Did you notice Stephanie's hair has gone
straight again? Remember, if "perm" equals "heel," what's the OPPOSITE?
Castrol Motor Oily presents WWF Armageddon 10 December!
CHRIS BENOIT v. AD BREAK - "A lot of you came out here tonight to see
Austin 3:16! Well, you're not gonna get it - what you're gonna get is
Benoit 101 School of Wrestling and tonight, Austin, you are gonna fail!"
Stone Cold Steve Austin is WALKING!
XFL nekkid cheerleaders ad - let's see how nekkid they are when it's twenty
degrees below outside
Chris Jericho eats ravioli and makes funny faces
CHRIS BENOIT v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - lockup, go behind by Stone Cold,
waistlock takedown - Austin lets him get up, then shows him his middle
finger. Ha! Ready to go again - Benoit goes behind with a hammerlock,
reversal by Austin, to a side headlock - Benoit tries to break it with
elbows to the kidneys - three of 'em - Austin busts out some chain
wrestling, to a double leg, floatover, into a front chancery. Benoit
punches out, kick, into the ropes, hiptoss by Austin, armdrag takeover by
Austin. HOLY SHIT THIS IS SOME DAMN GOOD SHIT. OH HELL YEAH SMARKS SUCK.
Austin pins down the arm and drives a knee to the point of the elbow.
There's another knee. Arm wringer by Austin - Benoit throws the elbow in
an attempt to break it - three, four, Benoit finally reverses it, but
Austin goes right back to that armbar. Right by Benoit - Austin drops
down, scissors the leg and brings Benoit to the mat, floating over into an
armbar. Knee to the elbow! Still holding the arm - Benoit punching him to
the corner, Austin turning it around, and now AUSTIN goes to the rights -
into the opposite corner, Benoit ducks the clothesline and hits a death
suplex. Both men are down. Benoit up first - stomp. Backbreaker across
the knee gets 1 for Benoit. Forearm to the kidney, right, kick, kick,
kick, into the opposite corner, Austin hits hard. Benoit pulls Austin out,
but he surprises him by going back to the arm wringer, then, showing that
he's been watching his WOW, stomps to wrench it in...scoops him up, but
Benoit tilts into a crossbody, covering for 2. Benoit pops up with
a clothesline. If Austin busts out the Million Dollar Dream, I WILL DIE.
Austin slumped in the corner - Benoit stomps, stomp, stomp, stomp, standing
on the neck. Austin pulls himself up - Benoit with a Euro elbow. Snap
suplex. Cover...2. Austin rolls outside...Benoit tries to follow, but
Austin trips him up and makes a wish on the ringpost...or, tries to -
Benoit pulls his legs in and posts Austin head first! Austin tries to
shake it off...Benoit out after him. Gutshot by Austin, another kick, head
to the steps is blocked, and Benoit DOES put his head in the steps. Then
to the commentary table. Back in the ring we go for more WRESTLING!
Benoit with an elbow. Hard whip into the corner. Elbow by Benoit. Kick.
Into the opposite corner, Austin collapses coming out. Benoit climbs up
top - swandive headbutt to the lower back! Benoit shakes it off and hooks
the leg....1, 2, NO!! Into the ropes, reversed, Austin with a sleeper!!
Benoit powers out, and clotheslines him down. Cover gets 2. Benoit with a
kick, into the corner is reversed, Austin with a spinebuster and both men
are down. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner puts on the count - Benoit is up
first. Kick, into the ropes, reversed, Benoit tumbles under, but Austin
connects with a right, right, right, into the ropes, Thesz press - right
right right right right, Benoit tries to roll him up with legs on the
shoulders, Austin rolls through and covers, but Benoit grabs the arm and
turns it over - CRIPPLER CROSSFACE!! What will Austin do now? Reaching
for the rope...so close, yet so far. Austin inches closer...and grabs the
bottom rope. Coward's way out, if you ask me! Benoit is right back on him
- stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Hebner taking a bit of umbrage at
Benoit not obeying his commands. Shove for Hebner, shove for Benoit.
Benoit ignores him and goes back to Austin, who has pulled himself up in a
corner - kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, into the corner, no, Benoit
holds on, then drives Austin's shoulder into the post. German suplex!
Trying to hold on for two...Austin tries to elbow out but Benoit DOES land
the second one. Austin manages to elbow out before the third. Now they're
each trading rights...now it's Benoit trying a clothesline but Austin
ducking - KICK WHAM STUNNER - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! (8:35) That RULED.
I take back everything I've ever said about Austin. Have a beer, Austin!
Have two! The WWF is ALIVE AND WELL and I am GLAD that you and I are
watching it TOGETHER. See you at Thanksgiving!
AFTER THE FACT: Victor weighs in with: I was at tonights Raw from
Orlando and wanted to drop a note to say.
1. Nothing kills a crown response better than the Road Dog "rappin"
2. Not only did we get to see the steps magicaly move but just to make
sure we were surpised we got to hear the motorcycle rev up in the hall way
for 2 min.
and 3. My section was wondering who the hell was that actually wrestling
Chris Benoit at the begining of the main event.
Final beer count was 16 beers (1 with Earl and 1 with JR) and including
dark matches 5 Sleeper holds that did not work(how surprising). Over all
it was pretty entertaining show.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman