by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
MAD PROPS: To Martin Zacks of the IEEE
Computer Society...once again. Thanks yet again for a copy of your
work, and remind me to tell you how ICANN screwed me out of membership
some time. (No, it's got nothing to do with that funny, funny guy who
stole wrestlemaniacs.com and won't even SELL it back to us.) Speaking of
stuff in the mail...
CHRISTMAS LIST: Too lazy to say "thank you for transcribing your two
thousandth promo" in an email? Send a card to PO Box 64405, Sunnyvale, CA
94088-4405. Be sure to include something you'd like me to say at the top
of the column - who knows?
AWARDS: No, see the deadline passed. YOU won't be counted, but almost 600
others WILL be! I already have seven of the 47 categories tallied, but
that's NOTHING since these are the easy categories where everybody votes
the same. Hopefully I'll have it ready by the 15th...or, more likely, the
18th, since I'll probably need ONE more weekend than I've planned...
A SAD TALE: Gather round my children and hear my words, in case you
haven't already heard this story on the EZboard. Last Friday, tickets
for SmackDown! at the Oakland Arena went on sale. Like a good fan, I
stayed up all night to try to be first into the tickets.com website to get
some good seats.
I hit tickets.com precisely at 10am and managed to tie up six ALMOST
PERFECT tickets - ringside, section 1, row 4. Right in front of the
cameras. I had the credit card ready, I was GOING to commit $300 to these
tickets, damn the torpedoes, don't worry whether I'd be able to hit up
people for $40 + $6.25 "convenience" fee + $2.50 "some other tax" fee,
just DO it, baby,just do it.
Of course, tickets.com decided at that EXACT moment that suddenly, their
servers were too BUSY to take my order.
I tried to submit the order again. "Sorry, our server is experiencing
high usage and you didn't get through."
What they were REALLY saying was "we don't care WHAT kind of uberfan you
think you are - you *ain't* gettin' six choice seats because we're only
interested in selling them to EVIL SCALPERS who have NO love for wrestling
but will happily turn around and break up THIS block for $250 per because
IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY AGAINST CRZ."
I know this, because after the requisite period of time, tickets.com gave
up on me. Never mind that I was frantically trying to complete the damn
order if only they'd LOOK at my credit card - no, they decided that since
their time limit had expired and they hadn't heard from me, I *obviously*
had no interest in purchasing these tickets, so they returned them back to
the pool, where a Satan-worshipping drug fiend used a stolen credit card
to quickly snap them up. HE managed to get through on THE PHONE, you see,
because it was probably a stolen cel phone with a wicked speed dial.
Hey, I can only hit "Reload" so many times.
Is it possible I'm telling this sad story here in order to elicit sympathy
from the company I faithfully detail for thousands - nay, TENS of
thousands of fans, fans who are *hungry* for a happy ending to this sad
tale? "Mmmmmm, COULD be...."
Hey, it never hurts to TRY.
I GET LETTERS: Long-time close personal friend and correspondent of not
Edward Burkett anticipates my long work day by sneaking in this report of
happenings prior: Dear CRZ sir,
Hello. How is the ballot counting going?
A few friends and I attended Raw live at the Continental Airlines Arena .
Not much happened off camera, but I'll pass along what I can anyway.
We got to the arena later than usual while the Fink was talking. A match
then started while we found our seats, so as far as we can tell, that was
the first match. I hope you find this helpful.
Dark Matches (or what happened to Scott Vick???)
#1: Haas Bros. vs. the Dupps
The Dupps have degenerated to wearing regular tights instead of looking
like hicks or slobs or whatever the Dupps were supposed to look like. I
don't know if they still have those silly names. Anyway, the Dupps seemed
to be playing heels, and after some heel miscommunication which bought the
Haas brothers time to hit some nice offense (one Haas did an overhead
belly-suplex off the top rope to the other Haas which flipped him onto a
Dupp in the middle of the ring), a ref bump allowed the Dupps to walk away
with the victory.
#2: Chris Chetti vs. Funaki
Surprisingly large pop for Chetti, who I thought looked like Eminem, and
an even larger pop for Funaki, probably because they were each the first
recognizable superstars to appear. Decent match, puncuated by chants for
Funaki. Funaki won.
Some Kid Rock song plays, and Jonathan Coachman, Kevin Kelly, Tom
Pritchard, and Michael Hayes come out for our
#1: Al Snow vs. ???
I think it was some jobber. I didn't hear his name. Nice pop for Al and
Head. Al wins with the snowplow after teasing Head. I'm amazed that
people would cheer for him to lose the match on a dq. Anyway, after the
match Al ran into the crowd, then ran back to the commentators brandishing
head, and then pulled a cameraman halfway up the ramp before letting him
go and leaving. I just think Al should grow his goatee back.
#2: Too Cool vs. Lo-Down
This is what happens when we spontaneously book Rikishi as a major heel.
Nice pop for Too Cool. D-Lo is SO being misused if he has to be hidden
under an orange turban. (and Chaz is better than this too...)
Regardless, nice little match punctuated with the Worm (which pleased the
crowd), but D-Lo hit the frog splash for the win.
#3: Raven vs. TAKA Michinokou (sp?)
Did you know that in Smackdown 2, even the WWF spells it as TAKA? (and if
I can just say that that game is amazing!!! YOU CAN GET RUN OVER BY A CAR
-- ITS JUST LIKE THE REAL WWF!!!) Anyway, Kaientai goes 50-50 on the
night when Raven hits his Evenflow DDT. Judging by the crowd, if JR was
right when he said that we would determine if Raven or Tazz would be a
face or a heel, it seems that Raven will be a face.
Then JR comes out to his Oklahoma music, and Lawler comes out to that King
music that he comes out to. Lillian sings the national anthem. We go live
for a minute. Then RAW starts.
I'll take it from here, Eddie-torial!
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 13 1/8 (- 1 ... last year: 16 5/8)
TONIGHT: Armageddon LOOMS on the horizon, and tonight's show LOOMS from
another fifteen minutes of *Sammo* - check out the cool graphic with all
six participants of the main event! They'll all be here tonight...and so
will Vince McMahon! Matches? Forget 'em! RAW is LIVE at the top of the
Man, between *Sammo* and Arsenio Hall, this is the UGLIEST version of
"Caged Heat" I've EVER seen
TV-14-DLV-CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
LAST THURSDAY: That wasn't Austin! It was......it was VINCE, Austin! It
was Vince ALL ALONGE!
SHWOOOOOOM BOOM WE ARE LIVE from the Continental Airlines Arena at the
Meadowlands in LOVELY East Rutherford, NJ 4.12.2K - 17,129 in the building,
MILLIONS watching around the world (including WWF New York) - YOU - and ME
- right here, right now...transimitido en espanol SAP... RAW...... IS...
HEY HEY HEY HEY (on his Beautiful Titan Bike - Undertaker.com) v.
RIKASHMONEY - NO TIME FOR TALK DADDY it's FAHTIN' TAHM - no, I didn't say
"fart," I said FIGHT. These two are in the big Hell in a Cell match at
Armageddon, just in case you've been living in a cubicle with no Internet
access. Rikishi tries to get the jump, but no - kick, soupbone, soupbone,
soupbone, into the corner, back elbow up by Rikishi. Ross said "studs."
Clothesline from the Reaper. In the corner, soupbone, into the opposite
corner, running clothesline in the corner. Soupbone blocked, right by
Rikishi. Soupbone by Undertaker. Right by Rikishi. Soupbone by
Undertaker. Right...is blocked - 'Taker with a headbutt! But it looks
like it hurt HIM more than the big Samoan! The Undertaker *hurt?* He
headbutts him again - Rikishi no-sells it and headbutts HIM - down he goes!
Clubbing forearm. In the corner, right, right, right, right, right, right,
kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, finally referee "Blind" Teddy Long
manages to enforce the rules by forcing Rikishi to relent. Into the
opposite corner and 'Taker lands hard. He's warming it up! Running
start...but 'Taker steps aside! Soupbone! Soupbone! Running start on the
BIG clothesline! Arm wringer - OLD SCHOOL - Rikishi doesn't have the
ropewalk scouted, apparently...but maybe KING KURT ANGLE does, since he's
out to ringside as 'Taker stands on top. Angle can't get involved...unless
he wants to forfeit the title - but perhaps it's just enough to provide
distraction, as Rikishi pulls him into the ring HARD. Right hand from
Rikishi - another right. Crowd: "Angle sux" Rikishi gives a
not-quite-silent count to three and hits the BELLY-to-belly...for 2. Right
to the back of the head, again, into the ropes is reversed, big boot from
the Badass. Off the ropes, big elbowdrop - 1, 2, shoulder barely up!
Castrol provides the Double Feature of the BELLY-to-belly...as we watch
that, 'Taker sneaks outside and starts laying 'em into Angle...is he nuts?
He'll lose his title shot for sure! Soupbones a-flyin'! 'Taker back in -
Ross says "soupbone" - hi, Ross - I learned that trick from Hyatte. Back
in - soupbone, soupbone, into the ropes is reversed, 'Taker ducks..but
lands in the Samoan drop! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO!! Right hand from
Rikishi - into the ropes, head down...'Taker DDT's him! Hey, how come THAT
hurts the big Samoan head? Who can say. Angle has a chair on the
outside...he's not gonna interfere, is he? 'Taker in position for the
choke....got it....Angle on the apron with the chair and 'Taker lets go,
running over to give him ANOTHER soupbone that puts him out on the floor!
But he turns back and EATS THE RIKISHIKICK. Off the ropes...DRUMSTICK
DROP! That'll be it - 1, 2, BULLLLLLLLSHIT - 'Taker may have raised his
hand but his shoulder DAMN sure didn't move. Teddy Long is in the
Undertaker's pocket! Rikishi stands at the ready as 'Taker gets to his
feet. ANOTHER RIKISHIKICK! Dragging him to the corner....he won't...will
he? BAN - ZAI - DRAWWWWWWWWWWWWP! NOBODY gets up from that - 1, 2,
3!!!!!!!! THREE!!!! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! GREATEST OPENER EVER!!!
(5:15) The Smark just told me that this match was "dull and plodding" but
*I* think it was a "classic big man battle that belongs on a compilation
tape - I wish the crowd was louder." Angle is quickly in to add stomping
to injury - right, medals in the hand - right - ducking a clothesline,
Rikishi puts him down. Angle continues stomping. Crowd chanting for
*anybody*...but all they get is Angle's theme. Is there an alliance here?
They just did the Wonder Twin Powers signal!
TONIGHT: Vince McMahon - he's here to save the ratings! A "state of the
WWF" address may be imminent!
We check out the office of the Commissioner (and Lt. Commissioner) - the
signs are there, the stuffed animals are there, the cacti and lava lamp are
there....but NOT there are our Commish and Lt. Commish! What's up? Come
back to find out!
SmackDown! 2 ad
I guess that "no interference" thing was just for SmackDown! then....or the
writers have no short-term memories
Moments Ago, Undertaker felt the power of the awesome standing side
kick...and the Banzai Drop. No sooner was the match over than a doubleteam
MICHAEL KING COLE is backstage with Debra. Angle's interfered
again, and Foley's absent! Debra says he's stuck in traffic after a book
signing in New York, but he should be here soon. That's funny, I thought
all the traffic would be trying to get OUT of Jersey
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: HARDY BOYZ (with Lita) v. WALL BUCHANAN &
GOODFATHER (with Steven Richards & Bald Venis & Ivory & Let Us Take You
Back to Rebellion) - It would be wrong of me to wonder aloud why Edge &
Christian haven't gotten their shot at the RtC, given their efforts to get
the belts OFF the Hardyz, so instead let's look at these clips from last
Saturday, where the Hardyz had the titles won until interference from Val
Venis swung the scales back to the champions. When we come back live, it
looks like referee "Blind" Jim Korderas is clearing the ringside area of
Right to Censor members not competing in the match! I notice he's letting
Lita stick around....back to the ring where the champs take advantage of
the distraction. Into the ropes, double duck, double slide under -
Goodfather and Buchanan slide under as the Hardys come back in - double
dropkick through the ropes! Double pescado! Buchanan and the Harydz back
in - gutshot, double suplex - Matt covers but only gets 2. Right, right,
into the ropes is reversed, and reversed through the ropes to the outside.
Goodfather over - big right, into the post. Backstage, Dean Malenko is
watching a monitor...VERY intently. Is that a new Light Heavyweight belt?
Matt's apparently thrown back in the ring for Buchanan - right hand. Kick.
Tag. Into the ropes, gutshot by Buchanan, kick off the ropes by
Goodfather. Clubbing forearm. Yanking on the arm. And again. Into the
ropes, head down, kick by Hardy, right hand by Goodfather is ducked, DDT by
Hardy and both men are down! Goodfather is up, but Matt ducks under him
and leaps for the HOT TAG! Right, right, right, off the ropes, dropkick,
right, right, right, right, Buchanan in illegally with a forearm - into the
corner, ducking the double clothesline, leaping up to the top - BEAUTIFUL
corkscrew moonsault! All four men in now - Hardyz on Goodfather, into the
corner, Buchanan into Goodfather, Poetry in Motion on the stack. The
shirts come off and the girls scream! But here come....THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ,
still in camo pants and boots but wearing...white shirts and black ties?
They have a very solemn walk...the Hardyz are confused, and so is the
crowd. RtC from behind to take control. Into the ropes, Matt holds on to
avoid the big boot, Buchanan runs at him and gets dumped to the floor.
Goodfather has Jeff up in a backbreaker...Matt pulls him off - Twist of
Fate! Swantonbomb! The Dudleyz on the apron and Korderas devoting all his
attention to...pointing at them, I guess. Jeff covers but Korderas is
stlil busy telling the Dudleyz to get to the floor. Buchanan with a
*vicious* scissors kick on Jeff - then he and Matt exchange punches in the
corner as Goodfather makes the cover....1, 2, 3. (3:41) WAZZUP with the
Dudleyz? Even Goodfather and Buchanan are confused by the new look for the
men from Dudleyville...
Back to the Commish's office, where Debra reads a copy of RAW Magazine
(available at a store near you). Road Dogg and K-Kwik show up and plead
their case, saying that THEY should have had the title shot instead of the
Hardyz - they had them dead to rights last week, but Teddy Long let Ivory
interfere. Debra says the ref was reprimanded, and she thinks they deserve
a rematch...just happening by, though, are Edge & Christian. Edge asks how
they, three-time champions, have received NO title shots against the RtC
while these "reekazoids" get continual title shots. Dogg sports some
umbrage, telling "Percy Sledge & Sister Christian" that if they wanna dress
up like Ike & Tina, they'll be happy to whoop both their asses. "That
doesn't even make any sense!" "Makes sense to me and him." "That makes no
sense at all... 'Boff?' Nice shirts, how old are you guys, like seven?"
Debra says that they're both worthy, and she and Mick will definitely be
interested in who wins tonight. She walks out, leaving them to bicker...
In the local slot, AT&T Broadband puts up a WCW Starrcade promo
...and a Golden State Warriors ad. Oof - they go together, somehow
We get a shot of Debra's gams - she's WALKING! And waiting in the parking
area for Mick Foley to arrive.
Moments Ago, Five Paragraphs Ago
Back in the locker room, the Hardyz wonder aloud what the hell'z up with
the Dudleyz. "Oh, Lita..." Dean Malenko enters with a bouquet of flowers.
The Hardyz give him two seconds to clear out. "Hey hey, hold on a second,
did I come here at a bad time? Guys, I'm not here to talk to you, I'm here
to talk to Lita. Lita, I wanted to give you something and apologise to you
for everything that's happened...and, you know, given the right chance, I
really do think you can like me and all I'm asking you is just for once
chance...and more importantly than that, a date." "Okay, can I think about
that?" "Sure, no problem!" "Thought about it, no!" and she tomahawk chops
him with the flowers and Matt shoves him out the door. "What was he
thinking? Cheap flowers..."
Meanwhile, in another dressing room, Triple H and Rikishi celebrate his big
win. "Hell of a match - not many guys can claim they've beaten the
Undertaker. That was awesome, you're a machine. Listen, Thursday I
started to tell you about this but this Hell in the Cell match
Sunday...this is a different beast, man - I know you wanna be World
Wrestling Federation champ - I do too, but we gotta play this game smart.
Hell in the Cell is the most dangerous match in the World Wrestling
Federation. I know, I've been in there. But this one's different. Six
guys. SIX guys. We gotta play this smart. I look at it like this...if
it's every man for himself, it's pretty tough, but if we form an
alliance...you think Austin, the Rock and 'Taker - you think they can...can
work together? Naw, their egos won't allow it. But if you and I - if you
and I work as a team, Rikishi...one unit. An alliance. Just think about it
- we would be the most powerful force at Armageddon - and it's ours, and
it's ours for the taking - you know what I mean?" "Well let me ask you
something - what about you and McMahon, are you cool with him?" "Ahh, see
the thing with me and Vince, it was a misunderstanding. You know what I
mean? Don't worry about that - the old man will be cool with all of it.
Trust me." "Triple H - if you're cool with that, then I'm cool witchoo."
We focus on it just a BIT too long...did I hear a director?
CHRIS BENOIT v. KOOL MOE DEE - "The One Billy Gunn. Will someone please
tell me what the hell that means? Well, I'll tell you what I think it
means. He's The One I'm going to beat for the intercontinental
championship! He's The One the world's greatest technical wrestler is
going to abuse. He is The One that will NOT prove me wrong at Armageddon
and that is JUST the way it is! And tonight...Hardcore Holly...huh...well
let me tell you what I think of your name...they c--" the music cuts
him off. "Benoit, now you're a weapon, and you'll always be a weapon. But
I do have to agree with what you say. But let me give you *my* definition
of what The One is. The One is you laying flat on your back, Chris,
staring up at the ceiling after I finish showing you exactly what I think
about the best technical moron in the WWF. So how ya like me now?" That
cameraman better hurry out of the ring...Holly hits it and it's punchin'
time! Benoit, Holly, Benoit, Holly, Benoit Holly oh my it's fast Benoit
rakes the face, knee in the gut, nice snap suplex. Backbreaker across the
knee...gets 1. Death suplex. Cover...2. Benoit with the chop.
Knife-edge chop. Chop. Right, into the opposite corner - no, Holly holds
on and reverses with a SHARP short clothesline. Holly looks at his left
arm, then looks down at Benoit. I think some gears just turned in his
head. Checking Benoit...no, he's out cold. Cover - 1, 2, Benoit *barely*
manages to move his toe touching the bottom rope...and referee "Blind" Tim
White spots it. Holly showering him with rights. Holly puts him on the
top rope and pulls the ankles back - then looks behind him - when White
turns to look, Holly kicks him in the crotch. Is he gonna do that EVERY
match? I mean, he just figured out how to use the plate in his arm - does
he REALLY need that crotch stuff? Into the ropes, (right armed)
clothesline gets 2 - Benoit kicks out. Vertical suplex gets 2 for Holly.
Clubbing forearm, stomp, stomp, into the ropes, Best Dropkick in the
Business...2. Benoit STILL trying to shake off the Ace Toolbox
clothesline, apparently - no, he's got his arm and goes for the
Crossface...Holly trying to fight it - Benoit with forearms to the back,
grabbing the arm again - Holly STILL fighting it - Benoit to the back with
elbows - got the arm - Holly slips it again - Benoit floats over and puts
the *right* arm in the crossface...that one's got no metal in it, so Holly
has to tap. (2:32) Benoit cranks it in a bit extra after the bell...then
slumps back in the corner, STILL feeling that big clothesline. Holly, in
return, sells the Crippler crossface. These two guys are PROS.
Out in the garage, Debra is still anxious and waiting. A black limousine
pulls up - that must be Commissioner Foley....ohh, no, it's Vince McMahon.
Debra seems EXTRA anxious, now...
As we check out Giants Stadium...then the Continental Airlines
Arena...there's a big inflatable XFL football and tee....
And here's RUSTY TILLMAN, the coach of the New York/New Jersey Hitmen,
along with his (apparently) no-name assistants! How much a success do they
plan the XFL to be? THEY'VE GIVEN IT THE BRAWL FOR ALL THEME
Another look at the cool graphic and a listen to the sounds of "Sweet Home
Alabama" - at Armageddon, it's six men and one cell.
Back to the garage, where Mick Foley arrives in his rental car. After the
requisite plug for "Christmas Chaos," Debra catches up Foley on what's been
happening, not the least of which was McMahon showing up...
Cut to Rikishi and Triple H, who rise as Vince enters their dressing room.
Vince glares at Triple H...then turns to Rikishi. "How 'bout givin' me and
Triple H a minute?" "Sure, boss..." "You know why Steph's not here,
right? 'Cause I don't want to put Steph in the middle...not between you
and me. But there's gotta be some sort of explanation - one that I'm
satisfied with. What the hell were you thinking? Huh? What the hell were
you thinking? I'm not so sure what I'm thinking here tonight, all right?
I don't know whether to take your head off right now...or sit down and talk
it out...or just what." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. Before you get
carried away here, I tried to call you. I've gone by your house - you
don't come to the door, you don't answer the phone. I've explained it to
you on your answering machine but you don't listen so I'll tell you face to
face. That was a mistake. Vince, I thought you were Austin. Now YOU know
better than anybody how Austin can get under your skin - what he can do to
a man inside. That was a mistake, Vince." "Mm hmm." "I thought you were
Stone Cold." "You got Armageddon coming up this Sunday, right? You
remember what happened at LAST year's Armageddon? 'Cause I do." And he
walks off... "Yeah. I'll never forget. And don't worry...I'll make it up
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY (holy CRAP! What happened to his HAIR? Did he lose an
ECWA match or something?) stands in the towering presence of the Rock, who
puts up a hand for him to talk to. Mug, mug, mug. "Finally, the Rock HAS
COME BACK to New Jersey! Just as sure as for the very first time, Kevin
Kelly, the Rock
stood right in this arena and called you an ugly hermaphrodite, is as sure
as this Sunday night at Armageddon, the Rock will be in Hell in a Cell.
This is gonna be the most brutal match the Rock has ever been in - the
dangerousest match the Rock has ever been in - the Hell in the Cell, and it
doesn't matter, Kevin Kelly, whatcha call it, whether it's called the Hell
in the Cell - Rage in the Cage - Painus in Your Anus, the only thing that
matters...is that the Rock is going in this Sunday night to do exactly what
he does best, layeth the smacketh down and get back the Rock's WWF title.
... And the fact of the matter is this, is that the Rock knows that this
Sunday night, he has his work cut out for him. The Rock knows he's got
five other guys he's gotta compete with...and even if the Rock has gotta
beat Kurt Angle, which means... (glasses off, eyes wide and bright) 'I'm
gonna drink a big glass of milk! Eat some chocolate chip cookies and then
maybe I'll take three Viagra!' Or maybe the Rock is gonna face Rikishi -
beat Rikishi. 'I did it - for de Rock. I did it - for de People. I did
it - I' aww shut your mouth, ya thong wearin' fatty. Or maybe even the
Rock has gotta beat the Undertaker, the American Badass, beat him so bad
that one more time he'll raise up... (rolling eyes back in head) 'Rest...
in.... peeeeeace.' Or maybe the Rock has gotta beat Triple H himself
'which means-uhh, he's gotta beat the Game-uhhh, in the middle of the
ring-uhhh, and he has a two dollar (beep) for a wife-uhhh...' [somebody
tell Rock Vince is here tonight].... .... .......or maybe the Rock has
gotta beat...(puts on an Austin cap) 'Stone Cold Steve Austin...which means
I gotta git in my - I gotta git in my pickup truck, drink some
Steveweisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys...and that's the bottom line,
'cause the Great One said so!'" Rock puts the cap on Kelly...and puts his
shades back on. "And one more thing...this Sunday night at Armageddon, the
Rock is gonna do all he can to win the WWF title...IF YA
SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL what THE ROCK is cookin'!"
The Undertaker leaves the Commissioner's office...perturbed. "DAMN!" We
look inside the office. "Sorry, Undertaker! I'm gonna make it up to ya on
SmackDown!" Foley says since Angle is so keen on interfering, maybe should
defend his title tonight.....right here in Cheap Pop! In fact, maybe he'd
like to defend the title against..Chris Jericho!
Let Us Take You Back to Heat where the Rock and some pies hosted
Dean Malenko catches up to Lita one more time - "haven't you heard of
giving a guy a second chance?" Lita is ready to slam the door on him
again, when Malenko motions to his crotch...oh, I mean his belt. Malenko
offers her a Light Heavyweight title shot. If she wins, he'll move on. If
HE wins, there'll be no SmackDown! for them Thursday - instead, it'll be a
dinner that she'll NEVER forget. He offers her chocklits - she takes
one..."you got yourself a match...." then upends the rest of the box in his
face and slams the door. "She really digs me!"
EDGE & CHRISTIAN v. MOM II - "Road Dogg & K-Kwik - you think you're so
special because you come out here and rap...we got a little surprise for
you, 'cause we...are about to..KICK IIIT!" "We're Edge & Christian and
we're total bliss / that's because we reek of awesomeness!" "Now we're the
E to the C and they're in liggety-luck / Gonna beat Dogg and Krush 'cause
they totally suck." "Now even tho' we're in Jersey - a state with skanky
ho's / We'll still break it down for a five second pose!" "Whodat?" They
make with the phat posedown, yo, until Dogg & Kwik run out *without* music
and take it to them as we start. Christian goes out and referee "Blind"
Mike Chioda decides that putting Krush - sorry, Kwik - in his corner is in
order at this time. Lawler says this was Dogg & Kwik's greatest, most
entertaining entrance ever. Rights by Dogg. Into the ropes, reversed,
hiptoss blocked, clothesline by the Dogg. Right, tag to Kwik. Right hand
by Kwik. Right. Into the opposite corner is reversed, Kwik up and over,
superfluous back cartwheel. Off the ropes with a flying jalapeno. Chioda
over to keep Dogg from coming in, so Christian comes in with a surprise
Slop Drop to turn it around. Edge on Kwik - six quick rights. Tag to
Christian - open shot, right, Kwik fires back, another forearm by
Christian, blatant choke. Tag to Edge, open kick, head to the buckle, tag
to Christian, into the ropes, double clothesline ducked, double press, but
Kwik manages a double dropkick on his way back down. Dogg wants the tag -
and gets it! Right for Christian, right for Edge, clothesline for
Christian, scoop slam for Edge. Christian coming at him with a crossbody,
but Dogg ducks it and Edge takes the blow! Left for Christian, left, left,
juke, jive, right for Edge. Kwik in with a clothesline that puts Edge on
the floor...Christian tries a Slop Drop on Dogg, but he turns it around and
puts him in a bearhug - Kwik with an eight foot high heel kick! Dogg
covers, but Chioda is trying to tell Kwik that only one man is allowed in
the ring at a time. Behind his back, Edge is back in - Edge-O-Matic!
Christian covers...1, 2, 3! (2:43) Did we just decide the #1 Contenders?
Kurt Angle invites himself into the dressing room and suggests the three of
them team up against Rock, Austin and Undertaker....just like the Three
Musketeers! Angle suggests that if it came down to the three of
them...they could make it a Triple Threat...this interests Triple H enough
to lean forward on the sofa...or maybe it's just his sciatic nerve
bothering him (yuk yuk - jokes for smarts). "Of course, to make it
effective, we're gonna have to start the alliance tonight - I'm gonna have
to beat Chris Jericho tonight...if you catch my drift." "We'll think about
it, Kurt, we'll think about it." "Great. All right, guys." And off he
goes. H turns to Rikishi...and smiles...
Meanwhile, Chris Jericho is WALKING!
Meanwhile, Vince McMahon is SWAGGERING! Walking up to the door with the
skull on it...he won't go in THERE, will he?
JESSE VENTURA: "Why did you cheer the football legends of yesterday? Was
it because of his seven figure salary, his five houses, the jewelry around
his neck, or was it because he made diving catches across the middle, took
a blind hit, and still got up, played with a busted hand or a broken bone
in his leg..." "The XFL, coming this February." "It's real football."
Didn't those legends usually die broke and broken?
SmackDown! 2 ad #2
WWF SmackDown! at the Oakland Arena 9 January! Up yours, BASS! Up yours,
When we come back, it's a healthy staring contest 'twixt Steve Austin...and
Vince McMahon. Vince offers a hand...and a querying visage. "You want me
to shake your hand?" "All right. I'll cut to the chase. Maybe I don't
give a damn personally, but professionally from an investment standpoint, I
do. I don't like you in Hell in the Cell. I don't like a lot of these
guys in Hell in the Cell match. It's a lousy investment, you going in
there - I wanna protect my investment, all right? And if you go through
with this Hell in the Cell match, it's your first one, but it can be damn
well be your last one." Off he goes...
WWF CHAMPIONSHIP: KING KURT ANGLE (with RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV-CC boxes)
v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - Champ enters first because he's got something to
say. "Now Your Olympic Hero realises that this state isn't exactly
associated with winners...but this is ridiculous! I mean, I'd love to come
out here and entertain all of you, but I need at least a few minutes
preparation time to defend my WWF title tonigh--" BOOM I ask you -
WHAT are they gonna do in a month when it ain't Y2K no mo'? Jericho rushes
the ring, duck, flying jalapeno, right, right, right, right, chop, chop,
chop, into the ropes is reversed, spinning heel kick. Springboard dropkick
and out goes Angle. Jericho out, kick in the gut, scoop, dropped on the
barricade. European elbow. Rolled into the ring. "Ang Gull Sux!" Angle
finally manages a right, right, but Jericho drops down with a hot shot.
Back in the ring - clothesline ducked by Angle, BIG belly-to-belly overhead
throw! Right hand, right, right, right, right, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp,
shin across the neck. Vertical suplex. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, no.
Unusually fast count from referee "Blind" Earl Hebner... Right hand by
Angle. To the headlock...to the apron...Jericho almost rakes the face.
Elbowing out, elbow, right, catching the knee in the gut and rolling him
up...only 2. Angle with a German suplex...for 2. Right, into the ropes,
back elbow by Angle. Leg is hooked - 2. Jericho with a right, right,
chop, into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up by Jericho - going for
a double axehandle, but Angle catches him and throws him with ANOTHER
belly-to-belly overhead suplex. Cover - 1, 2, kickout. Snapmares him over
- shoots the half - 2! Back to the headlock. Is that a "Y2J" chant?
Guess not. Jericho with a jawbreaker to break the hold. Kick, kick, kick,
into the opposite corner is reversed, boot up by Jericho, but it's
caught...but Jericho lands an enzuigiri! Both men are down - Hebner up to
6...7...Angle up. Castrol Motor Oily Double Feature of the Ghetto Blaster.
Duck, right by Jericho, right, Angle ducks, waistlock - Jericho blocks the
German suplex - rollup! 1, 2, NO! Jericho with a chop, whip into the
ropes is reversed, Jericho with a gutshot, clothesline off the ropes,
second rope....missile dropkick! 1, 2, NO!!! Jericho puts him in the
ropes, reversed, Jericho's flying jalapeno hits Hebner after Angle ducks.
Gutshot, bulldog, Lionsault!, cover....no ref. Here comes Teddy Long....1,
2, NO!!! Either that was 2.999 or Long's made his second questionable call
of the night. Of course, Rikishi still won his match, so that one was moot
- at any rate, Jericho and Long have a bit of a discussion...and now
there's just too much Long between Thursday and now for us to wonder...is
there an angle brewing here? Jericho back to Angle - pound, chop, kick,
kick, into the other corner, Angle ducks and Jericho posts his shoulder.
Going for the Olympic Slam, but Jericho swings his body back to the mat -
double leg takedown...Walls of Jericho! Will Angle give it up? WELL IT'S
KANE pulling Long out of the ring...then going up to the apron - Jericho
fires a shot at HIM, causing him to fall off the apron...onto Long! With
both referees not looking, Angle throws an uppernut to Jericho - OLYMPIC
SLAM! Leg is hooked - Hebner is awake - 1, 2, 3. (6:53) In the ring,
Kane is in - ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! Kane sets the four corners on fire as
Angle smiles. So did Triple H and Rikishi send Kane? 'Cause otherwise,
I'd be thinking that Angle might want to ask them where the hell they were
during the last moments of that match....here's a replay of Kane running
insane. I wonder if Jericho will get Kane at Armageddon!
Armageddon ad - it's THIS SUNDAY!
Moments Ago, two paragraphs ago
Angle busts in on H & Rikishi and asks the heck is going on. "We were just
about ready to come down there, but then when we saw Kane, we figured you
were all right, man." "Steph was right - you really DON'T need any help at
ringside! I mean, you know... Kurt..wait a second. But your idea about
an alliance? That was a pretty good idea, why don't you come and sit down
for a second."
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: THA 1 BILLY GUNN (with That Slut Chyna
Fatone) v. BALD VENIS (with Ivory) - Why the camera chose to focus on the
line of signs saying "The One Bad Ass Monty Sopp!" I'll never know. Maybe
it's the Sopp family out there or something. Lockup, no, right by
Venis, right, right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner is
reversed and Venis hits hard. Suplex. Cover - 2. Right by Gunn, right,
right, right, right. Stomp. Venis come back with - wait for it - rights.
Right, right, right, right, right, off the ropes, clothesline by Gunn, leg
is hooked, 2. Head to the turnbuckle. Pulling him out...hard whip into
the opposite corner, but Venis ducks the charge and runs him into the
buckle, then hits an armbar takedown. Venis with an arm wringer. Legdrop
on the arm. Venis with...oh oh, it's one of those submission holds I'm not
sure about. Call it "variation of the chicken wing" for now - body
scissors as well. Gunn manages to inch his way to a foot on the bottom
rope. Venis outside - arm around the ringpost. I think he's picked his
body part! Another post for the arm. Ivory gets in a slap to the face as
well. Venis puts the arm around the top rope...and pulls. Right, right,
right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, referee "Blind" Chad Patton gets
him out of the corner...Gunn hits a shoulderblock out of the shoulder -
wrong shoulder, though. Both men are down...now both men slowly up. Gunn
with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, into the ropes,
biiiig back body drop. Running clothesline, clothesline, into the ropes,
powerslam, leg is hooked - 1, 2, no. That's it - Fame'Asser! But Ivory
puts the foot on the bottom rope - Patton almost misses it but catches it
just before the 3. This brings Chyna onto the apron to protest. Ivory
passes Venis the Women's title - WHACK - Gunn's down and out, and Chyna is
in with a clothesline for Venis. (DQ 4:26) Chyna kicking away on
Venis...Ivory in...double axehandle - no effect as Chyna turns arouns -
Ivory makes a scared scary face. Chyna has Ivory by the hair...scooped up
on her shoulder...running powerslam! Ivory rolls out of the ring...and
Chyna is out after her. Scooped up again....but Venis is out with a
superkick. Clothesline onto...and over the announce table! Back into the
ring - DDT on Gunn, stomp, stomp, stomp, Ivory choking Chyna and punching
away simultaneously...refs are out to get everybody separated...but Chyna's
Vince McMahon hits the Rock's dressing room. "Rock - easy, easy. Listen,
you're perhaps the most intelligent, okay, of all the WWF superstars, so I
will plead to your intelligence, you don't have to compete in this Hell in
the Cell match this Sunday. Think about it...you've got more to lose than
anyone else. You're young, you've got your entire career - you've got your
entire career ahead of you, Rock. Think about it, you can tell Mick Foley
to go to hell." "The Rock appreciates your concern. He appreciates your
generosity. But from the bottom of the Rock's heart....thank you." "All
Lita is WALKING! She's a GIRL!
Meanwhile, Dean Malenko applies cologne. "Tonight's your night, Lita..."
SmackDown! 2 ad #3
Time now for the Castrol Motor Oily WWF Slam of the Week! From last
Thursday, Lita lands a moonsault on Malenko, Guerrero lands a frog splash
on Lita, and Malenko expresses...concern.
WWF LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: LITA (with RAW is WAR is brought to you
by THQ's SmackDown! 2: Know Your Role, Castrol Motor Oily, and Squaresoft's
Final Fantasy IX) v. DEAN MALENKO IS NOT JAMES BOND - belt vs. date - no, I
*can't* remember the last time Malenko defended this belt on RAW. Malenko
doesn't take his eyes off of Lita all the way down the aisle. Well, if
anybody can drag a good match out of Lita....lockup, Malenko shoves her
down. Then heh walks over to help her up, but Lita surprises him with a
rollup for 2. Lockup, Malenko chain wrestling, reversal by Lita, fireman's
carry takeover by Malenko, nip up by Lita, arm wringer flips him down,
working an arm bar, Malenko back up. Sent into the ropes, going for the
tilt-a-whirl, Lita counters with a head scissors, sorta. Lita with a
hammerlock, Malenko elbows out...rather hard, at that. Lita holds her jaw.
Malenko has her in the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick,
kick, kick, standing on the...chest? Family-friendly camera angle is
unsure. hop. Into the ropes, sunset flip by Lita, Malenko follows
through, flipping her backwards into a pinning predicament - for 2. Into
the ropes, no, gutshot by Malenko....going for a powerbomb, but Lita goes
up and over, and takes him down with an armdrag. Dropkick and Malenko goes
outside. Tope through the ropes! Crowd apparently doesn't care! Malenko
put back in the ring...head to the gut, sunset flip...Malenko holds the
rope, so referee "Blind" Jack Doan kicks the hand away, then counts 1, 2,
no. Kick by Lita, kick, into the opposite corner is reversed and
Lita hits implants first. Malenko puts her on the top turnbuckle...he's on
the second rope - going for a doggie-style suplex, but Lita elbows him off
- Malenko's in perfect position for the moonsault, so she hits it - will
this be it? 1, 2, NO!!!!!! Lita can't believe he kicked out and argues
the count..Malenko from behind, knee to the gut, into the corner, sat up on
top once more...Malenko going for a big punch, but Lita kicks his bicep
instead. Another kick to the other bicep. Malenko counters the tornado
DDT attempt by tossing her outside the ring...but she lands on her feet!
Lita climbing back up...going for the scary rana, but Malenko catches her
with the POWERbomb. Tejas cloverleaf is academic...as is Lita tapping.
(3:49) Malenko SMILES! He checks on Lita - but gets an elbow and a slap
for his troubles. Did he like it? He checks his reflection in the belt...
Six men for the WWF championship - Hell in the Cell - it's this Sunday!
Vince McMahon tries on the Undertaker's bike for size...then tells the guy
shining it up to go tell the Undertaker he's looking for him...
XFL cheerleaders ad
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER - and a copy of
the WWF cookbook. Chyna's been taken to the hospital, we're told.
Clips from Rebellion in Sheffield, England.
Vince is checking out the chrome...when he looks up, there's the
Undertaker. "You NEED to get your ass off my ride." "Well, you know, I
thought maybe you might show up - I need to, to help you out here a little.
You need to be thinking about the ride YOUR ass is gonna take at Hell in
the Cell - you've been there before, of all people, you KNOW what Hell in
the Cell is all about, and you need to give Mick Foley a message, and that
message would be 'Well, you know, Mr. Foley, I don't think I wanna compete
in Hell in the Cell.'" "Well, you know, you need to give Mick Foley a
message." "What's that?" And 'Taker spits his chaw on Vince's lapel.
"You've got something on your jacket." Vince makes a face.
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: WILLIAM REGAL (with Let Us Take You Back to
Rebellion) v. CRASH (with Molly Holly) - "In case you missed it, Regal lost
the European title in the UK - I think that's, like, a rule or something.
"I stand here in this miserable state a man besmirched! Because, in my
home country of England on Saturday night in front of my friends, in front
of my family, and most of all, my poor dear old father, who was humiliated
because his only son was beaten for his European title not by Crash Holly,
but by that bloody tart, Molly Holly! And so, what I suggest now is for
that miserable little specimen, and bring that bloody scrubber with you!"
Regal is quickly on him as he hits the ring - kick, Euro elbow, elbow, into
the opposite corner, elbow as he comes out - European elbow, Crash with a
punch, Regal with the elbow, Crash with the punch, Regal with one more
elbow...Crash switches places with him in the corner, right, right, right,
then five quick elbows, another elbow - he's European now! Into the ropes,
clothesline, hooks the leg, and gets 2. Regal to the eyes. Through the
rope to the floor, kick. Into the ringpost. Right hand, right, forearm to
the back. Put onto the apron - and the neck is rammed into the corner of
the apron. Regal back in - off the ropes with a measured elbowdrop. Big
death suplex. 1, 2, Crash kicks out. Crash with a right, right, right,
into the ropes, but Regal kicks him. Into the ropes, reversed, back elbow
by Crash, Ducks a clothesline, Leprechaunrana, no cover. Crash with a
scoop slam, going up top...missile dropkick! 1, 2, no! Into the ropes,
reversed, Regal counters the headscissors by dropping him on his face.
STF...and Crash taps. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new European
champion. You'd think the commentators would get a little more excited
about this. Regal refuses to let go of the hold. Molly does nothing...oh
wait, she's climbing the turnbuckle - big splash onto the waving Regal!
Regal rolls through it, picks her up - BIG DEATH SUPLEX - BIG BIG STF.
Molly taps...but it doesn't help much. KOOL MOE DEE comes out, pounds on
Regal, and tosses him. Regal gives us a wicked grin. You know, not only
did they NOT announce the new champion, but they never announced Crash as
champion! Oh well, no matter - it's JUST the *European* Championship...
Chris Jericho eats ravioli
If you're thinking that it's looking more and more like our main event is
going to be Vince's fifteen minute "state of the WWF" address...
At WWF New York, T&A throw out some T&APA merchandise to the crowd
Moments Ago, four paragraphs ago. Ross *still* calls him "Steven Regal" at
least once per segment.
Backstage, Molly cries...and Hardcore throws a tantrum.
Michael King Cole stands with the Commissioner and Lt. Commissioner. Foley
announces two new matches for Armageddon - a European title match between
William Regal and Hardcore Holly... and Kane and Chris Jericho in a Last
Man Standing match! There'll be some more matches made at SmackDown!, but
for now, let's talk about the six man Hell in the Cell....or not, as Vince
comes in. "Hey, Vince." "Oh Commissioner, so nice to see you. I wouldn't
be so sure that your Hell in the Cell match is gonna come off. You see, I
have to go deliver the State of the WWF address." Mick's voice drops to
match Vince's stage whisper. "I can't wait, Vince, I can't wait."
Armageddon ad - SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY
SmackDown! 2 ad #4
One more look at the outside of the arena - and that big ass XFL football.
Armageddon is brought to you by Castrol GTX - Drive Hard!
And now, the main event you've all been waiting for....BILLIONAIRE VINCE is
out. "I come before you tonight to deliver the State of the World
Wrestling Federation address...but considering the length of my absence,
quite frankly, I really don't know where to begin. Perhaps I should begin
with the CEO, my wife Linda's decision to appoint Mick Foley as the
Commissioner. That was a decision that I vehemently disagreed with at the
time and as I stand before you here tonight, am convinced it was the wrong
decision. I mean, my wife and I have - well, we do disagree on a number of
topics, that being one of them, but through counseling, we have learned to
agree...to....disagree. ["Ass Hole!"] Now, notwithstanding my wife's poor
judgement - I can forgive her for that, but I can't forgive Mick Foley for
his lack of judgement. You see, while I was at home making great personal
sacrifice for my marriage, Mick Foley was here in the World Wrestling
Federation. Mick Foley was here, sacrificing - sacrificing the careers of
great WWF superstars, and quite frankly, only a - a masochist - only a, a
sadist like Mick Foley, only someone with a demented, twisted mind could
take six WWF superstars and put them in the most hellacious match ever!
Only Mick Foley, the Commissioner would take arguably the six greatest WWF
superstars of all time and put them in a Hell in the Cell match at
Armageddon!" COMMISSIONER McFOLEY is out...to offer response? "Fo Ley!"
"What brings Fatass Foley out here?" "Nice jacket, Vince. So I'm sick -
I'm twisted and I'm demented, huh Vince? That means a lot coming from a
guy who, when he was in charge, kidnapped his own daughter, knocked out his
own son, good move, booked himself in WWF title matches, and gave us all
the pleasure of seeing Gerald Brisco and Pat Patterson in an evening gown
match, and now you've got the audacity to call me sick and twisted for
booking the six greatest athletes in the WWF in a Hell in the Cell match -
I consider it a compliment, Vince, because I booked that match because in
my personal life, my two Hell in the Cells represented two important
milestones - one, the first one made my career, and the second one ended
it. So Vince McMahon, you get this clear, until I am no longer the WWF
Commissioner, and make no doubt about it, I still *am* the WWF
Commissioner...that Hell in the Cell WILL take place at Armageddon, and
yes, I do expect careers to be made, and maybe I expect careers to be
ended, but who knows, Vince? Sick, twisted, demented...well, maybe I am,
because on Thursday night, when the lights went on and the smoke cleared
and I saw it was your face that Triple H had been hammering on, when
I saw the blood stream outta your head, Vince - well, you know that fat ass
you talked about? Well, I just about laughed it off." "You know, I don't
blame Triple H for putting these three stitches in the top of my head. I
don't even blame that son of a bitch Stone Cold Steve Austin. Mick, I
blame YOU. I'll have you--" Oops, I heard glass - STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
(stonecold.com) is out to STEP OFF or something. There's two
corners...there's three....and that makes four. "I'm touched by the fact
that you're concerned about my well-being. So I'm sure that, in turn, you
can appreciate the fact that I'm concerned about your well-bein'--" KICK
WHAM STUNNER #34 - Austin grabs a beer and heads up the ramp...but here
comes IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLL - they stare down briefly on the ramp...and
then they continue on their separate ways, Austin behind the curtain and
Rock into the ring. He stares at McMahon on all fours...he's fixated on
his ass...oh, no, he's setting up for Rock Bottom. I think I'm sensing a
pattern... Play his music again! Rock's back up the ramp...sure enough,
HEY HEY HEY HEY walks out...THEY stare...and then Undertaker continues down
the ramp. See, *Vince* has PERFECT hair for the tombstone...there's a
trademark "gulp" - and now here's a Last Ride wedgiebomb for McMahon. Play
his music! Foley takes the mic again. "Vince? Vince...geez, ohh, not a
good day is it, I mean, you've been Stone Cold Stunnered, you've been Rock
Bottomed, hell, you even went for the Last Ride, so I guess there's really
only one thing left to do..." and Mick pulls out the sock. "'Kiss my fat
ass, Vince!' and Have A Nice Day!'
We look backstage, where Undertaker is beating up Angle - Triple H comes
in...then Rikishi's ass flies in - tripleteam beatdown ensues - right into
the Big Pile of Noisy Metallic Objects! We pan back to see a bloodied
Rock...and a barely conscious Austin. Angle, Rikishi and H walk off,
leaving all three men unable to stand...credits are up, logo is up, we're
AFTER THE FACT: Oh, wait, Edward Burkett wasn't through: The only
things that happened during the show were that Lillian hawked merchandise
and they aired some XFL commercials. After the show, Vince was helped out
by a bunch of refs.
It was a good show, but I don't know how much the crowd liked it given
that the Rock, Austin, Foley, and Vince didn't come out till the end. I
personally wish HHH had appeared more, but that's just me. And no
Blackman sucked too...
I think that's everything. Have a good day.
And I hope YOU have a good day as well.....WHOEVER you are!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman