by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
BLATANT PLUG: Mr. JF said he'd make me "Hunk of the Week" if I plugged his
page - well, actually, he didn't, but go click on http://www.geocities.com/thewholejfnshow/
SELF-PROMOTION: To make up for not spending Easter with my family, I did
Metal and Heat this week. Come to think of it,
THAT'S not true
either. What, is this whole report going to be a vicious web of
lies? That reminds me - gotta check the SportsLine stock price...
QUICK QUOTES: WWF 13.25 (+ .55, last year: 13 9/16), SPLN 3.95 (- .26,
last year: 11 5/8)
BLATANT PLUG *AND* SELF-PROMOTION: Go visit the CRZ EZboard at http://pub30.ezboard.com/bcrz
before they decide to pull the plug! Almost 400 registered users, over
100K visits a month, and over fifty million Elvis fans can't be wrong!
TONIGHT: Kurt Angle takes on Chris Jericho, one more time! Also tonight,
Jeff Hardy takes on Triple H, one more time! Come back in about seventeen
minutes when we'll have this show, one more time! Obviously, I have *Daft
Punk on the brain!*
TONIGHT'S SPECIAL MIAMI VICE GUEST STAR: Well, the 7pm one had Vincent
D'Onofrio and John Leguizamo but this one was a bit lighter. I mean,
sure, he's a good actor and all that, but let's face it: John Glover just
isn't as exciting - I'm sorry!
Immediatly after the closing credits this week instead of our usual
laserjet refiller ads... One World Leader Attitude - TV-14-DLV -
LAST WEEK: Jeff Hardy shook up the world! Say...if they play clips of
Triple H's Heat promo, does that mean he won't get to talk tonight?
Somehow....I doubt it
3.14159RO AWAY - we are LIVE from the University of Tennessee and
Transmitido en espanol SAP on TNN *and* TSN *and* WWFNY - the arena is
unnamed but JUST FOR DEL (who doesn't read these things) I looked up that
this is, in fact, the Thompson-Boling Arena in Knoxville, TN and the
Patriot's Day (observed) 2001 episode is underway...THIS is WWF RAW IS WAR
BILLIONAIRE VINCE makes a swagger and a strut and a down to the ring he
goes for our opening interview. Tonight, the Hollys get their tag team
title shot, and Chris Jericho goes one on one with Kurt Angle! "Well, can
you believe it? You know, it was just one week ago I was here In This
Very Ring, and believe it or not...there... ["ass hole!"] Before I was so
rudely interrupted, it was here In This Very Ring a week ago when I was -
me - me (Vince McMahon) - I was on my knees. I was looking up, trying to
reason with my wife (Linda) when my wife (Linda) callously looked down
upon me and asked for a divorce. Which is exactly what brings me before
you here tonight. Because, quite frankly, I would like to share my
thoughts with you on the sacred institution of marriage. You see, I
believe that when two people fall in love and ask to be married, and take
their vows for better or for worse, I believe those vows should be forever
- I believe the marriage itself, should last LITERALLY 'until death do us
part.' I do not in any way, ever believe a marriage should end in divorce.
I believe divorce should be unlawful - divorce should be illegal - half of
the world's problems today are, no doubt, caused by divorce. Think of -
think of the hardships of divorce, think of the heartache of divorce.
Think think of the effects of divorce on the children, and for those of
you who are a male (like me) and have worked your fingers to the bone,
think of the effects of divorce when you have to divide your
assets...divorce should, indeed, be outlawed. So, therefore, I know my
wife Linda is watching at home tonight - and that's why I've come to you
publicly - I've come here tonight, and this may not be the news you want
to hear, Linda...but for the sake of the *sacred institution of marriage*,
for the sake of the fact that many of you around America look at me (Vince
McMahon) as a role model...for that sake - Linda, I will NOT grant you a
divorce - no, I won't. I will fight it, I will make whatever personal
sacrifice I have to make - to make our marriage work." Suddenly, Jeff
Jarrett's music hits - and out comes MRS. AUSTIN DOT COM - why is Debra
out here and why is she so glum? "Mr. McMahon, I do not believe a WORD
you just said. AND I hope to God your wife (Linda) doesn't either.
Because I'll tell you one thing, one thing I do know - you had a negative
influence on my husband." "Oh now, wait a minute - whoa ho ho - whoa whoa
whoa whoa. You believe I've had a negative influence on your husband - no
no. Listen, don't blame *me* for Stone Cold Steve actions (whoops, he
dropped a word there) as of late - this is all Stone Cold Steve Austin's
idea. Don't blame me - don't blame me for what your husband did at
WrestleMania, don't blame me for your husband (Stone Cold) you can't even
blame me for your husband beating the hell outta the Rock and sending him
off forever - don't blame me for that, all right? You can't even blame me
for your husband getting together with Triple H, that wasn't my idea
either, and it certainly wasn't my idea - you can't blame me for when
Stone Cold was being interviewed by by...good old JR, and the beating that
JR took at the hands of Stone Cold - you certainly...can't...blame..me.
And, you definitely can't blame me, either, you can't blame me for what
even Stone Cold did to Lita on Monday Night RAW last Monday - that was an
intergender match; that was legal, it was an intergender match. So you
can't blame me for your husband's actions; in my view - in my view, my
view, your husband is a great man. He is. Not only is he a great man,
I'm proud of his personal accomplishments, because now we know the *real*
Stone Cold - and I'm proud of what he's become! The World Wrestling
Federation champion - I've said before, he's a great man, Debra. And you
know, it sort of brings to mind that old adage behind every great man,
there's a great woman. Well, uh, Austin certainly is - he's a great man
but I guess, I guess maybe YOU'RE the exception to the rule." "Yeah, I DO
blame Steve...but I blame you, too--" and she hauls off and SLAPS him one!
Crowd *pops.* Play Jeff Jarrett's music again! Vince gives it the old
stagger sell as the music hits and she walks off. After the shock wears
off, Vince's expression turns to a sneer....
TONIGHT: Kurt Angle takes on Chris Jericho! Triple H (with Stephanie)
takes on Jeff Hardy for the intercontinental championship - and coming up
next, the WWF tag team titles will be decided!
Wow, tonight's twenty minute interview segment was only ten minutes!
Somebody's being nice to me!
RAW is WAR hits the Compaq Centre 21 May! Tix on sale NOW!
Check out that skyline - that U of Tenn skyline
Moments Ago, Debra's not a bad actress - Heyman gets off a good
line: "I *abhor* female-on-male violence! It should NEVER air on
Vince walks off, pausing to exclaim "WOMEN!" before getting in his limo
and riding away
Meanwhile, Austin leads his wife into his dressing room and directs her to
sit. "Sit down. Do you understand what you just did? Look at me, do you
understand what you just did? You just slapped Vince McMahon - that's
your boss, look at me! I want you to sit your little ass in this chair
because I think you've caused enough trouble alerady. Do not leave this
spot until I come get you! Understood?" "Yes." "THANK YOU."
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: WWFEDGECHRISTIAN.COM v. CRASH & KOOL MOE DEE
(with Molly Holly) - Edge slips a piece of paper to Heyman, then returns
to the ring, where he and Christian (wearing Konnan's sunglasses) give
thumbs up to the colour commentator. "By the way, JR, I think it should
be said that Edge and Christian are the seven-time champions, and that's -
like, radically impressive!" Before the match, RHYNO is in the ring -
GORE for Hardcore! Edge screams for referee "Blind" Tim White to get the
bell rung because he's covering...1, 2, Crash breaks it up. Edge and
Christian work a stompdown while White puts Crash outside. Christian
using the ropes to accentuate the stand on the throat. truth Double
Feature of the gore. More stomping by Edge - Edge kicks back, they trade
rights, Edge back with kicks. Head to the buckle, tag to Christian.
Side Russian legsweep. 1, 2, kickout. Right by Holly, right, Edge pops
him from behind, turning him around to hit HIM - and he turns back to take
Christian's Slop Drop Backbreaker for 2. Christian points to Crash and
says "distract the ref!" - well, maybe not, but Crash did come in and
distract the ref. Hardcore gets in a few punches, but Edge throats him on
the top rope. Lots of tags here - Christian wants the powerbomb but
Hardcore is dead weight. Christian with forearms, trying again - Holly
reverses into a spinebuster! Both men are down...White is up to 4 as
Hardcore gets up - Christian holds the ankle and tags in Edge -
clothesline. Snapmares him over and goes to the chinlock. Holly makes it
back up, right, right, right, ducks a clothesline, Best Dropkick in the
Business lands and they're both down again! Molly starts the rhythmic
clapping...tag to Crash! Clothesline, clothesline for Christopher,
dropkick for Edge, ducks a clothesline from Christian, gutshot, DDT
("scores" count: one), tornado bulldog for Edge, another for Christian (or
are these Acid Drops?) but Edge spears him! White is putting Christian
outside, and Molly is on the top rope - and hits the somersault press!
Crash covers - 1, 2, NO!! All four men back into it -- Hardcore and
Christian tumble over the top and outside - plancha off the top buckle by
Crash, but Edge rolls through...he's got a handful of tights! That means
it'll work - 1, 2, 3, champs retain. (4:16) Replay of the gore...and the
The Hardyz arrive at the building - MICHAEL KING COLE ambushes Jeff.
"Michael, winning the intercontinental title was an amazing accomplishment
for me, but there's more to this than just a prize; I mean, what Austin
and Triple H did to Lita...it was wrong - it was real wrong! And I know I
have to give Triple H his rematch tonight, and that's fine. But there's a
little unfinished business that we need to take care of."
Damn, that guy's making fun of Kane's scooter AGAIN - will he *ever* learn
all he needs is a little Stacker 2?
On the other hand, will Kane *ever* learn not to take more than ten items
to the express checkout?
And now, Lugz presents the WWF Boot of the Week! From SmackDown!, Albert
puts Spike Dudley through a table on the floor with the dreaded Baldobomb
The "WCW 1" limousine pulls up, which can only mean Shane McMahon's
arrival is imminent! YES! He's...he's WALKING!
JUSTIN CREDIBLE (with Justin Otherguy & Yaaaaaaaaaaalbert and RAW is WAR
is brought to you by the JVC Giga-Tube, Foot Locker's House of Hoops, and
Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli) v. BUH BUH RAY DAMN DUDLEY (with D-Von
Damn Dudley & WWFDudleyBoyz.com & the wwf.com logo) - Right by Dudley,
right, into the corner hard. Into the other corner - Credible backs into
a death suplex. Overhand forearm, right, head to the buckle, open-handed
slap, deafening "X-Pac sucks" chant. Into the ropes, back elbow by
Dudley. Into the ropes again, reversal, 'Pac grabs the ankle...Dudley
pulls him up but 'Pac hits a hot shot ("scores" count: two) and Dudley
staggers back to take a superkick. D-Von over to try to get 'Pac, who
runs - and D-Von misses spotting the oncoming scissors kick from Albert!
Credible with a right, right, right, kick, snapmare, off the
roeps, rolling neck snap, truth Double Feature of the scissors kick.
Clothesline. Choke on the second rope - while referee "Blind" Teddy Longn
breaks it up, X-Pac gets a free shot. Credible with a gutshot...and a
DDT. 1, 2, shoulder up. Crowd wants...something. Right by Credible,
Dudley fires back, right by Credible, knee by Credible, right, ("scores"
count: three), kick, kick, kick, standing on the neck. Into the ropes is
reversed, Credible slips under and hits the waistlock, standing switch,
forearm in the back by Dudley, Buh Buh Bomb! Both men are down...Dudley
with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, into the ropes, BIG back
body drop, clothesline, Credible begs off (heh) - Dudley with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" again, into the corner - Credible flips
up and back... Dudley with a death suplex ("sidewalk slam," says Ross -
ooh, it's catching) - Dudley up top - but the senton MISSES! Credible
quickly to the second rope...but Dudley manages to hit a Buh Buh Cutter as
Credible flies off - 1, 2, Albert pulled Credible away. X-Pac in to hit a
spinning heel kick - Credible covers - 1, 2, NO!!!!!!!!! X-Pac is up on
the apron to argue the cadence - Dudley over to punch him off. *Albert*
up on the apron to argue...but all HE does is allow D-Von to slip in and
deliver "What Are You Doing?" behind Long's back after Buh Buh Ray scoop
slams him. Back around, 1, 2, 3. (4:25)
Backstage, Shane catches up to Grand Master Sexay "YO! Shano Mac - what
up, dog? Gimme some, gimme some, gimme some, don't let go...yeah, that's
cool. Hey man, you know what you did to yo pops Vinnie Mac, that booya
attack - that took some major sack. Hey man, and everybody wants to know
- what up with the wisiwah?" "The what?" "The WCW! How's it doin'?"
"Check this out - WCW is sublime, it's just a matter of time!" "Sublime,
time, I like it, that's cool!" "Hey, I'll holler atcha later, I'll drop
you a dime." "A DIME! He don't stop! I love it! Hey Showski!" "BEAT
IT." "Ain't gotta be so mean, Jolly Green." "What's up, man...tell me
you're here to check out my match tonight." "Actually, I'm not - I'm here
to confront my father, but since he took off, you know, that's what I'm
gonna go do too." "I understand all that, but you gotta stay around, you
gotta catch my match, I'm telling you right now - ME against Kaientai -
can you believe those two little (beep - why would they bleep "goobers?")
have challenged me?" "Handicap?" "Handicap! Those two against me, they
called me out. Dude, you know I'm just totally gonna get my stuff OFF
tonight. You gotta hang around and watch it - you gotta check it out."
"I'll check it out from the hotel, Show. OK? I'm outta here." "Hey, you
know, we got, you know, we go way back - we gotta talk, you know - I got
some ideas I wanna run by you, you know what I'm sayin'? Cool!" Show
makes the "yes!" fist.
Meanwhile, Cole stands by - we are told he will get a word with Stone Cold
Steve Austin when we come back! Come back FOR MICHAEL COLE
One more time, but THIS time for a million dollars - the San Francisco
Demons and the Los Angeles Extreme battle Saturday and it could be the last
NBC game ever so you better WATCH!
Answer me this: What exactly does UNCLE BEN know about PASTA?
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by Castrol! From
SmackDown!, the RTC manages to implode AND explode at the same time!
JONATHAN COACHMAN sits with Steven Richards. Hey, this isn't Cole and
Austin! "Despite the WWF's wishes for the Right to Censor to lay by the
wayside, what happened last Thursday was the culmination of months of
frustration for the Right to Censor in our failure in our efforts to
recruit people. So we turned on each other...and we feel terrible about
that. But tonight, I will right the wrong. Tonight, I will lead the
charge. Tonight, Mr. Coachman, I fight for rightousness. Tonight, I
fight for justice. Tonight, I fight for the title that we oppose the most
- the Hardcore title. And after my victory over Kane tonight on RAW, I
will be united with my brothers and sister once again...even if I have to
sacrifice myself to do so." Did somebody just say "we're out?"
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle bitches to Edge & Christian about Regal's booking -
why would he book himself against Benoit and Angle against Jericho?
Regal walks up behind him while Edge and Christian try to tell him so - "I
think he has the mad cow disease or something." Christian:
"*cough*rightbehindyou*cough*" "And that fake accent - please, who is he
kidding?" "Excuse me, could I have a word with you?" "Fine, but what's
the deal? I mean, I want Benoit, you should want Jericho. What is going
on here?" "That's what I have come to talk to you about. Let's take a
little wander to my office and we'll adjourn over some tea." Christian:
"*cough*Regal'steaisurine*cough*" Angle: "Hey, Christian - you should see
a doctor about that."
Meanwhile, Cole stands with Austin - Triple H lost the intercontinental
title after he left the arena. And then the thing with his wife - man,
it's been a bum couple of days for him, hasn't it? "First of all, don't
talk about my wife - are you writing a life story? A book about Stone
Cold Steve Austin? No you're not - shut up! As far as the Hardy Boyz go,
it took two men with a steel chair to beat Triple H for the
intercontinental title, they cheated--" Whoa! Matt Hardy up from behind
with a sneak attack! Into the clangy pipes! Hardy gets some pretty good
rights in. The refs are a bit late to break it up but eventually order is
restored. Austin pops up, furious. "You son of a bitch...you SON OF A
I think the scariest thing I saw in this ad for "A Knight's Tale" was this
credit: "'We are the Champions' Performed by Robbie Williams + Queen" -
"The Mummy Returns" ad
Moments Ago, you seen it.
The Helmsleys react to what they've just seen on the monitor.
Austin barges in, demanding they go get some retaliation. H says they're
not gonna do that - the Hardyz WANT to get beat up so Jeff is too injured
to compete tonight, keeping his belt. "I just got my ass whipped!" H
tells Austin he's not gonna do anything to jeopardize his title shot - and
in his state of mind, he doesn't even want him out during his match. He
asks him to just head back to the hotel and most of all, CALM DOWN.
"Trust me on this....trust me." "Fine - fine..." and off he stomps.
"I'll take care of it."
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: STEVEN RICHARDS (with righttocensor.com) v.
SCOOTER (with WWF: The Music [Volume 5] CD cover) - Richards is HARDCORE -
he's LOOSENING HIS TIE!! Plunder tossed into the ring, and he grabs a
garbage can - WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! NO SAAAALE! Kane with a right,
Richards goes down. Tossed over the top to the floor - Kane following -
and now, alongside the aisle we go - right by Kane, into the safety rail,
right hand, into the steel stairway next to the stage. Richards whipped
into a standing tool case. Behind the curtain we go - right hand by Kane.
Richards tossed into the garage door. Later tonight, Triple H takes on
Jeff Hardy! Richards whipped into another safety rail. Uppercut. Kane
tosses a plastic garbage can into Richards' back. Right. 2x4 shot...JUST
misses! Richards tries to hide under a semi as Venis, then Goodfather,
then Buchanan ambush Kane...the tripleteam is thwarted when Undertaker
arrives - he was behind the wheel of another semi playing with the horn.
Richards quickly tries to climb over a stack of bleachers to escape..Kane
catches him and gives him the old lawn dart treament on the nearby truck.
1, 2, 3. (3:08) Taker draws nearer to the laid out Richards. "Hey!
Hey you! You know, if I was you...I'd forget about the good fight and
find myself a good woman." Then Taker slaps his cheek a few times.
Angle psychs himself up - and begins WALKING!
Meanwhile, Jericho is ahhhhhhhhh heck with it
"Mick Foley: Hard Knocks & Cheap Pops" video ad
Moments Ago - wait a minute, I don't remember seeing this! Oh, wait...yeah.
We check out Debra's legs as she paces....Austin barges in. "Get your
little suitcase, we're gonne get the hell outta here!" You know, Austin's
leaving LAST time wasn't so hot for Triple H...
KING KURT ANGLE (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! & RAW Credits &
TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO - Angle would like to have
a few words with us. "Your Olympic Hero would l--" Oops, the Y2J
countdown just cut him off. "Unless you were gonna finish that sentence
with 'is a complete and utter ass clown,' then junior, you've got nothing
left to say, so please, PUH-LEEEEZE, SHUT THE HELL UP!" Crowd tried to
anticipate the catchphrase - laugh at them! Jericho with a right, right,
right, right, chop, right, The crazy "TNN takes over the video for ten
frames" montage interrupts at this point - MAN that's annoying.
("scores" count: four) Into the ropes, Angle ducks, shoulderblock by
Angle. Up and over, leapfrog by Jericho, Angle runs into a chop.
Armdrag by Jericho to an armbar - Angle with a headscissors counter.
Jericho handstands out and flips to a pinning predicament - bridge out by
Angle, backslide by Angle gets 2. Chop by Jericho, chop, chop ducked,
Angle with a right, right, right, kick, kick, stomp stomp stomp stomp
stomp stomp - referee "Blind" Mike Chioda pulls him off. Angle back to
the right - into the opposite corner, but Jericho pops out with a
clothesline. Into the ropes, hiptoss by Jericho - springboard dropkick
puts Angle through the ropes to the outside! Jericho running - VICIOUS
baseball slide dropkick in the back! truth Double Feature brings
the springboard dropkick as Jericho lands a forearm. Angle dropped on the
barricade. Jericho drags him over to the timekeeper's table and rams him
into a chair - Angle grabs the bell and puts it in his gut to turn things
around. truth Double Feature of the baseball slide dropkick. Angle
putting Jericho on the commentary table - Heyman: "Leave this table alone
- we don't speak Spanish! Ay dios mio!" Jericho's head bounces off the
table, and Angle rolls him back in. I think the crowd is saying he sucks!
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Angle with a suplex. Bringing him back up
for ANOTHER suplex. 1, 2, no - quick cover - 1, 2, no! Right by Angle,
right by Jericho, right by Angle, right by Jericho, chop by Jericho,
right, into the corner is reversed, boot up to stop Angle, Jericho on the
second rope but Angle blocks the double axehandle and hits a SWEET
belly-to-belly overhead suplex! Death suplex. truth Double Feature of
the overhead suplex as Angle gets 2. Going to a headlock...I don't think
Jericho is giving up, there. The crowd comes alive as Jericho rises to
his feet. Elbow by Jericho, elbow, right breaks it up, into the ropes is
reversed, but Jericho manages a rollup - 1, 2, NO! Jericho ducks a
clothesline and grabs a waistlock - Angle laces the leg to block it -
Angle with a drop toehold and going for the Anglelock! Jericho quickly
grabs the ropes before he can hit it. Stomp by Angle, stomp, right,
right, kick, kick, Chioda tells him to stop - so Angle kicks him again.
Into the opposite corner - Jericho gets a boot up but Angle won't fall for
THAT again...so Jericho kicks him with an enzuigiri! Awesome! Chioda
puts on the count - at 5, both men slowly stir - right by Jericho meets an
oncoming Angle - another right - Angle ducks the next one - waistlock -
but Jericho rolls forward with a Victory Roll! 1, 2, NO! Into the ropes,
Jericho with a flying jalapeno! Jericho going for the clothesline, Angle
ducks - gutshot, going for the Olympic Slam but Jericho lands on his feet
- kick, bulldog off the ropes - Lionsault NO, Angle rolls out and Jericho
lands on his feet - Angle rolls out and walks up the aisle. Jericho is
out after him...but now COMMISSIONER REGAL is out, and damn this was a
sweet match up to the end. (DQ 6:52) Regal manhandles Jericho all the way
back to the ring, but Jericho hits the double leg and applies the Walls of
Jericho! Regal taps (as if it'll help) - Angle in - Jericho drops Regal -
block, fireman's carry slam - LIONSAULT! Right for Regal, right, kick,
kick, kick, kick, Angle from behind - the two are finally taking over on
the one - so where *is* Benoit? Angle with another death suplex on
Jericho. Regal with the Regal Stretch - and Angle puts on the Anglelock!
*Now* here comes CHRIS BENOIT - punching down Angle, bowling over Regal,
DDT for Angle, German suplex for Regal - WHOA! He just release German
suplexed Angle onto Regal! Full flip for Angle! PLAY Benoit's music!
"The Mummy Returns" ad
When we come back, somebody's addressing the crowd, but first...Moments
Ago, this and that.
During the Break, Benoit checked on Jericho - ah, such a tender moment...
Oh, it was *Regal* on the stick - and he's not done talking..."Benoit!
You miserable specimen! You bloody blew it! I'm the commissioner, and
what I say goes here in the World Wrestling Federation. I want a match
with you RIGHT NOW! Get your bloody miserable carcass out here RIGHT
NOW!" Regal still has Angle with him...but Benoit doesn't come alone...
COMMISSIONER REGAL (already in the ring - with King Kurt Angle) v. CHRIS
BENOIT (with Chris Monday Jericho) - Pier Four Brawl to start - Angle and
Jericho end up taking their respective places on the outside after Jericho
clotheslines Angle out. Regal shoved into the corner, death suplex out.
Benoit going for the headbutt ALREADY - but it misses! Regal gets up -
stomp in the head, STANDING DROPKICK (holy cow), press gets 1, another
cover for 2. European forearm by REgal, again, again - VICIOUS, Euro
uppercut, Euro uppercut, MASSIVE suplex by Regal - cover - 1, 2, no.
Cover - 2. Cover - 2. Referee "Blind" Chad Patton is TIRED! Kick
between the shoulderblades by Regal. Drops the elbow. 2. 2. Benoit put
in the ropes, back elbow by Regal. Left knee to the head, right knee,
Euro uppercut, scooping him up but Benoit shifts his weight into a
crossbody block, getting a quick 2! Regal clotheslines him down with a
left lariat. 2 count. ANOTHER 2. Regal going to another submission hold
I know not - a head and arm lock with his knee over Benoit's left shoulder
at the same time. Regal to a standing headlock - Benoit up, back elbows
out, chop, but Regal gets a knee in the gut. Stomp by Regal - and a happy
wave to the crowd! Back to the stomp. Headlock, forearm across the face.
Headlock again, forearm across the face again. "Regal sucks!" chant -
Regal is unhappy with it...but reacts with a smile and a wave.
Regal's next trick is a double kneelift to the noodle. Forearm in the
back. Lateral press - ANOTHER 2 for Regal. Regal to the rear
chinlock...Beonit struggling to unlace Regal's fingers but Regal keeps it
on - knee in the back for added leverage. Benoit back to his feet -
European uppercut by Regal. Going for another, Benoit slips it and goes
to a waistlock - Regal quick elbows him in the face to break it - Benoit
put in the ropes, but Benoit hits an inside cradle for two! Another
forearm puts Benoit down. Regal has Benoit in the corner - European
forearm, Euro elbow, Euro elbow, Benoit trades places, chop, chop, chop,
into the opposite corner, knees up by Regal, but he runs into the German
suplex - holding on for a second German suplex - Regal elbows out of the
waistlock and shoves Benoit outside, where Angle runs him into the apron
and rolls him back in - Jericho flies over with a forearm and then stomps
away, drawing Patton out of the ring. INSIDE the ring, Regal has managed
to secure the Regal Stretch, but Jericho puts a forearm in the back of
Regal's head to break THAT. Benoit puts on the crossface - and Patto is
back in to see Regal tap! (5:00) By the way, if anybody sniffs and
scoffs and tells you "well, these two had a better match at the Pillman
show," - and you KNOW they will - just smile and tell them "well, I'M
happy *I* just had a chance to see *this* match - along with MILLIONS OF
OTHER PEOPLE - ya damn snob. That match was EURO AWESOME."
The XFL Million Dollar Game (I can't *believe* they didn't stick with "the
Big Game at the End") is Saturday - Let Us Take You Back to Week 1 when San
Francisco eked out a win over Los Angeles with............a field goal
Test and Billy Gunn are WALKING! Test is jovial despite teaming up with
The One. "What is wrong with you?" "I'm just not getting this. Listen.
I know why you're here--" "Dean and Perry." "Right, and me, Eddie
Guerrero - makes perfect sense...but Raven, why are you here?" "That's a
very good question." "Thank you." "You see, sometimes in life, we make
our own choices, and sometimes the choice is made for us, but sometimes,
there is no choice. It would be both my pleasure - and my torment to tag
with you two against the three of them. Fate, destiny, and pain." Gunn:
"Does that mean that we can trust him?" Test: "TRUST him? What the hell
did he just say to us?" Should we blame the acting or the writing?
Maybe a little from each column.
Prime Time Ratings are up 132% for the first three months of 2001. TNN is
now #7! Wow, this is JUST like WKRP! (But they went to #6) Oh, yeah.
Damn my fuzzy memory!
Scooter on a Kane
Kane items or less
Back in the locker room, Matt pumps Jeff up - "Jeff, look - you gotta be
on your game tonight. You gotta know that Triple H is gonna try and
cripple you out there, you gotta know it." "I know that, I know what he's
capable of. I'm still BLOWN away by what you did to Austin! You tagged
yourself the man when you did that. Felt good, didn't it." "Yeah it felt
good - and it's gonna feel good tonight when you successfully defend YOUR
intercontinental championship! That's gonna feel good-- what in the hell
are you doin' here? I thought we decided you were gonna stay at the
hotel, Lita." "I can't be there at the hotel, alone, watching you guys on
TV, all this action going on. I had to be here." "Lita, it isn't safe
here." "Matt, I'm not concerned about safety, okay? I'm in here too."
"So you can't stay away from the action, huh? Well let's go give 'em some
R3DICALZ (with Nipples) v. TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with wwf.com logo)
and THA 1 BILLY GUNN and CAW CAW CAW - Hang on a minute...let me
check....yeah, this *is* the War Zone - do not adjust your set - these six
guys ARE fighting LIVE on a Monday night. One guy just told me "It's
great to see the WWF FINALLY mix it up by letting these guys roll on RAW"
but another guy just told me "Golly, they're just not even trying without
any competition." I told both of them to stop interrupting and let me
finish this damn report already. Pier Five starts before Raven's entrance
- Test with Guerrero, Gunn with the other two, just like they agreed -
Raven goes for Saturn, clotheslining him out - Test upends Malenko as Gunn
stomps a mudhole in Guerrero until he rolls out. It's "faces pose" time!
Yahoo! Referee "Blind" Tim White attempts to restore order - it's Malenko
and Test - Test right, right, Malenko fires back, into the ropes is
reversed, Test with a spinning sidewalk slam for barely 2. Into the
ropes, head down, kick by Malenko, but he runs into a clothesline. Tag to
Gunn - arm wringer, Malenko to the eyes, tag to Guerrero. Gunn rubs his
eyes and now sees Guerrero in front of him, offering the Hand of
Friendship. Gunn takes it, spins him around and takes him down by the
mullet. Clothesline, clothesline, whipped into his own corner (dummy) so
Guerrero gets a blind tag before running back into a press...Saturn with a
superkick to break up the pile. Did Eddie land on his leg? Saturn drops
the elbow. Death suplex. Cover - or choke - for 2. Tag to Malenko,
stomp, stomp, stomp, sotmp, stomp. Whip is reversed as Gunn holds on -
Fame'Asser lands but he's too hurt to capitalise on it. Guerrero with an
apron clothesline to make sure he doesn't get up. Malenko drags him to
his corner and tags out to Guerrero for the trademark rolling senton.
Stomp by Guerrero, stomp, stomp, in the corner, right, right left right
right, right, right, Gunn tries to take on all three men and almost
succeeds, but Guerrero kicks him in the nuts. Gunn *again* comes back,
elbowing Saturn, but Saturn hot shots him. Knee in the throat by
Guerrero. Gunn put outside - Saturn takes his ass into the STEEL steps.
(Ross: "Lower spine") Wow, that was a *surprisingly* loud "TERRI'S A HO!"
from the crowd. Guerrero in - snap suplexed down. Tag to Malenko - off
the ropes with a kick. Kick, kick. Three field goals, nine points!
Barring the arm, to an arm wringer, yanking and cranking. Tag to Saturn,
who drops the knee. Big stomp. Free shot for Raven, who tries to come
in. Saturn with the shin across the throat. Into the ropes is reversed,
waistlock by Saturn but Gunn laces the leg - Saturn with forearms in the
back. Exploder! 1, 2, Gunn manages to get a shoulder up. Gunn with a
jawbreaker counter. Saturn into the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam by Gunn and
both men are down! Will he get that tag? Saturn does - in comes Guerrero
- HOT TAG to Raven! Right for Guerrero, ducks a Saturn clotehsline, right
for Saturn, whipped into Malenko, Guerrero sneaks in a kick, right, right,
whip is reversed, followup clothesline by Raven, bulldog - 1,2,
Saturn breaks it up. Test comes in - Uncle Slam for Saturn. Right for
Malenko, Really Big Boot for Saturn to take him outside. Malenko knocks
Test out and saves Guerrero - death suplex on Raven - Guerrero up top for
the frog splash - Raven rolls out of the way and Guerrero rolls through -
but Raven is there with the DDT! 1, 2, 3! (5:56) Is a Euro title shot
in Raven's future? Heyman proclaims this match an "upset."
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with the Big Show - what are his thoughts about
Kaientai's challenge? "What are my thoughts. Kevin, Kaientai goes out
and they talk about how evil they are. 'WE ARE EVIL.' The Big Show is
evil. Seven foot two, five hundred pounds of bad attitude. And tonight,
Kaientai is gettin' every bit of it - quick, fast and furious, and you
know why? Not just because they called me out, but also because Shane
McMahon's watching, and I've got something to prove." Then he scares the
hell out of Kelly by (get this) throwing a case.
And now, a Special Video Look at the Fun Brothers, set to Marilyn Manson's
"The Fight Song" (courtesy Hollywood Records) and his CD cover
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. KAI &
TAI - Heyman tries to convince me (and the censor) that Show earlier said
"goofs" by saying "Gooks! G-O-O-F-S, gooks!" - who knows, maybe he *did*
and the WWF is gonna take it on the chin unnecessarily - of course, since
they bleeped it, I have no way of knowing. All told, Heyman and Ross and
Heyman said or spelled it eight times, so you know they were *really*
worried about it. Anyway, let's listen to the gooks - GOOFS! GOOFS! I
said GOOFS! Oh MAN I'm gonna get it now. Let's listen to the men from
the rising sun. "Ha! Big Show! We have fooled you! We just wanted to
lure you down so you could fall into our trap! You may be Godzilla, but
Godzilla is no match for cold hard cash! This will show you not to mess
with TRUE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL ha ha ha ha ha!" "In-DEED." And here come
the APA. Show stands ready - knocking down Bradshaw, forearm for Faarooq,
got Bradshaw in the choke but Faarooq kicks the hammy to release him -
Bradshaw off the ropes with the Hades lariat! They get to pounding
(because they Always Pound - check the T-shirts) - into the ropes, WOW
double spinebuster! Referee "Blind" Teddy Long tells them to take off as
Kai En Tai hit the ring - Funaki with a top-rope elbowdrop - Michinoku
with a top-rope rolling kneedrop. They celebrate a bit - BOTH up on top -
off the ropes - oops, Show is up - and he caught 'em.
ahhhhhhhhTHEDOUBLECHOKESLAAAAAM. I don't think they're getting up,
Seadawg. 1, 2, 3 - Show FINALLY gets a win - and a *double* pin at that!
(0:33) Heyman says "goozle" - I *love* this man on colour commentary.
All told, Shane made the right choice by not sticking around to watch this
match - but it was still fun!
The WWF Fanatics Presentation for April is "Kurt Angle: It's True It's
Rest in peace, Joey Ramone - may your legacy be hopefully SLIGHTLY better
than "somebody called TNN after you died and told them you had pop"
In the local slot, AT&T Broadband helpfully provides us with a Backlash
spot - they really need to take the Rock out of these spots, don't they?
By the way, thirteen days away - zero matches announced - just noting it -
I'm sure they'll all be booked on SmackDown! or something
Earlier Tonight, WWF New York (which, you must know, is in the HEART of
Times Square) hosted Trish Stratus
And FROM WWF New York, here she is now to deliver her monologue for the
night. "Well, you know I realise that a lot of you think that I'm just a
naughty girl. Well you're right, 'cause I am. I mean, I have to admit, I
was attracted to Mr. McMahon, but you know, I think I was more attracted
to Mr. McMahon's billions than his grapefruits...you know...you know, I
always said that, uh, I would do anything for the right cause?
Well I found the right cause. You know, I realised that Mr.
McMahon, I found out what kind of a man that he really was, and I found
the right cause. I took Linda McMahon off her medication... and...I've
decided that if there is a divorce, I will be supportive and more than
happy to see Mrs. McMahon get everything she deserves, and then some!
(heh) And as for me? Well I'm just glad to know that deep down inside, I
am nice...but there's also a part of me that will always be naughty."
"You know" count: 5?
TONIGHT: Intercontinental Championship on the line!
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! - wait, did I already see this video
package? At the very beginning of the show, maybe? Yes...yes, I did.
(You're WEIRD. Didn't you see this MATCH on Thursday? Didn't you see
this interview on Heat last night? Why don't you just bitch about that
instead?) You know, you're just a CRUTCH. I can work just fine WITHOUT
you. (Oh yeah? Let's see you TRY it, Poindexter. I step out for a
segment and you're ALREADY making racist cracks)
Earlier Tonight, Matt Hardy surprised Steve Austin...and hopefully a smark
Triple H & Stephanie are WALKING!
Meanwhile, 2Xtreme are WALKING! But Regal cuts them off with the
announcement that, due to his actions against Stone Cold Steve Austin,
"sunshine," he's barred from ringside. If he takes ONE step towards the
ring, Jeff will have his title stripped on the spot! "Jeff, look, you
don't need me out there, you can do this - you're the intercontinental
champion, you're the champion, you can do it, Jeff." Jeff EMOTES!
"You're right...you're right...thanks." Matt *should* have said "and you
can always get counted out or disqualified if things get REALLY tough" but
*they don't go out like that!*
Here's a Special Video Look at Tommy Maddox - somehow they manage to make
Jesse Ventura sound like a complete idiot in the process, almost saying in
the same breath "Tommy Tantrum....brilliant brilliant brilliant brilliant
Have I yet mentioned your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN? Sorry about
that. Anywho, the XFL Chamionship takes place at the Coliseum (or the
Colesium, if you want to be annoying and spell it wrong, as I love to do)
and Ross actually says "great seats are still available" with a straight
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: THE NEW MAN (with Stephanie Can't Act &
Castrol presents Backlash & "WWF: The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover) v. JEFF
HARDY (with Lita) - instant prediction: Hardy by DQ after Triple H
disembowls him. Matt Hardy watches on the monitor; WE watch Matt Hardy.
HERE WE GO: Gutshot and HUGE right by Triple H to start. Hardy rolls to
the corner. Right, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, sotmp, stomp, stomp, stomp - shoving away
"Back from Vacation" Earl Hebner. Up by the hair, right hand puts Hardy
down. Head to the buckle. Shoulder in the abdomen - and again. One more
shoulder - make it two - no, wait, make it six (I'm too lazy to type
"shoulder," six times) - Hebner pulls him off. After letting Hardy writhe
a bit, H picks him up - into the opposite corner - boots up by Hardy, but
H ducks the clothesline - pressing him up and letting him drop. Bigtime
hairpull - right to the forehead, right, right, right, truth Double
Feature of the press'n'drop. H with a British Bulldog half hour suplex.
Out of the corner with a running kneedrop. 1, 2, Hardy kicks out. I
think H is happy he didn't stay down for three, though. Right, right,
right. Going for another half hour suplex...but Hardy returns to his
feet! Hardy with a right, right, right, right, off the ropes...but into a
powerslam. H tosses him through the ropes and goes out after him.
Hebner follows so he doesn't have to start counting to ten. H drops Hardy
facefirst on the STEEL steps. Lita cowers as H looks her way. H rolls
in, Hebner back in, H rolls back out. Classic. H puts Hardy back in and
now we're all back in. Hardy takes a swing - another - right
lands, right, off the ropes but H takes his head off with a lariat. 1, 2,
NO! H hooks the leg again - 1, 2, no! H puts him in the ropes - and
applies the abdominal stretch - and now *grabbing the ropes for leverage*.
I love that. Triple H *is* the freakin' MAN, yo. H now using his right
hand to pound on the exposed ribs - and his left hand to tug on the hair.
H laying in the badmouth as well. Hardy trying to find the strength to
break the hold...but again, H goes to the top rope. Hebner sees it this
time, though, and kicks it away - into a Hardy hiptoss! But H is right
back on him with a knee in the gut to stop his run. Picking up
Hardy...but Hardy hits a sitout jawbreaker! (H tries to sell it early,
and ends up having to sell it twice - heh) Right by Hardy, right, into
the roeps, head down, H hits the facebuster. 1, 2, Lita pulls H off of
him! Stephanie over - Lita blocks the slap! The chase is on...until H
rolls out between them, stopping Lita in her tracks. She quickly backs
off - H back in the ring. And now Stephanie is up on the apron to chat
with Hebner. H tosses Hardy out. Hardy has the belt - right by H - Hardy
*clocks* him over the commentary table and into the laps of Heyman and
Ross! Matt digs it. When H finally frees himself of commentator
entanglements, Hardy posts him - then rams his head into the
steps...twice! Into the commentary table! And finally rolls him back in.
Hardy going up top...MISSILE DROPKICK! Cover - 1, 2, H kicks out. First
near fall for Hardy but H has too much left. into the corner nu J, Hardy
up and over, dropkicking the back, schoolboy - another 2 for Hardy!
Hardy off the ropes, gutshot by H, trying a Pedigree Hardy counters into a
backslide - 1, 2, NO!! Off the ropes, Hardy ducks the clothesline and
hits a flying headscissors! Hardy up top again - corkscrew moonsault...is
easily stepped aside by Triple H. H goes to the corner - second rope -
Hardy dropkicks him, sitting him on the top turnbuckle. Hardy going up top
- Frankensteiner! Hardy going up top to try the swantonbomb...H JUST
rolls out of the way of that. We look backstage at Matt again - but this
time, Austin is back...and up from behind with a STEEL chair! A few shots
and a few stomps - and an oilcan in the back for good measure. Austin
leaves Matt laying...we look back to Lita, who has seen this on the
EntertainmentTron and now doesn't know whether to stay with Jeff or go
check on Matt - finally, she decides to head up the ramp...only to find
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN emerge from backstage at the top of the ramp with
a sinister look. Lita backs off as Austin slowly stalks... Oops, Triple
H just got a pin somehow. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new, four-time
intercontinental champion. (11:28) Thankfully, we quickly get a truth
Double Feature which shows Triple H hitting the Pedigree and hooking the
leg. Austin is in and his belt is off. Knee in the groin by H and Austin
is WHIPPING him, WHIPPING him like a government mule. MATT HARDY is out
but H is ready with the chair - WHACK! Austin starts whipping *him* as
well. Another chairshot for Jeff as Austin chokes him with his belt.
Now they're trading off - Matt gest the chair while Austin tugs on the
belt around Jeff's neck. Suddenly, their eyes turn to Lita, who is crying
on the outside. They DARE her to get in the ring one more time - and then
the decision is made for her as Stephanie rolls her into the ring. Just
before they get a chance to repeat last Monday once again, the lights go
out! "Rollin'" hits...and when the lights come back up, the FUN BROTHERS
are out! Austin and H stand ready for battle as they slowly head down the
aisle to the ring....and *then*, quickly head out of the ring as Kane and
Taker part the ropes to get inside. It's ten past the hour and the
credits are up - *this* confrontation is going to have to wait until
Christopher Robin Zimmerman