QUICK QUOTE: WWF 12.26 (- .31, last year: 17 5/8)
TONIGHT: The Hollys and the Dudleyz COLLIDE! What do you MEAN you've seen
it before? C'mon, you LOVE watching Molly go through tables! Besides,
there'll also be two KOR Qualifiers if you don't like that. COME ON!
THIS WEEK'S SPECIAL MIAMI VICE GUEST STAR: David Andrews, I guess - boy,
they get light towards the end of the last season, don't they? At least
that means THEY'LL START ALL OVER SOON! WOOOOO By the way, if you get
*really* bored (or you're *really* into Vice - not sure where I fall
between those lines yet), you can tune into "The E! True Hollywood Story"
later this week and catch *their* hour on Vice. It'll be rerun
Thursday, Friday and Sunday. (Later on Sunday - that's right - "New Kids
on the Block." Set those VCR's NOW!)
TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening Credits - funny they've kept Shane in there, isn't it?
ONCE AGAIN IT'S ON - coming to you LIVE from the Richmond Colesium in
Richmond, VA 11.6.1 on TNN (and maybe TSN), transmitido en espanol SAP and
don't forget about WWF New York, THIS....is the WWF! And in the WWF, RAW
TONIGHT: All three Dudleyz take on all three Hollys! What will happen to
Molly? And will it involve KISSIN'?
COMMISSIONER REGAL takes the plum opening tirade spot. CORRUPTION!
"Tonight, my friends, I come out here with a simple question. Where has
all the sportsmanship and decency gone? Last week on SmackDown!, the
match between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Mr. McMahon versus Chris Jericho
and Chris Benoit will be forever tained. Please, roll the footage. Roll
the footage, please. (Benoit pulls the tights to get the pin) Shame on
you, Chris Benoit! Not only do you perform such foul, disgusting tactics,
but you promote nudity as well! ["Asshole!"] If that, the actions of
Chris Benoit, are the actions of a man befitting of being a champion, then
I should stand down from my commissionership right now! (pop) But I won't,
because I still think that sportsmanship and good manners will TRIUMPH in
the end! So if you disagree with me... ["Foley!"] ...so if you disagree
with me, Benoitr and Jericho, I give you the chance to 'prove me wrong,'
so to speak. Chris Jericho, after the unsportsmanlike conduct last week
of putting ME in the Walls of Jericho....tonight, you will face in a
handicap match Rhyno and the Big Show! And you, Chris Benoit...tonight,
you will face in competition a man that abhorrs foul play as much as I do,
Your Olympic Champion and Hero Kurt Angle! And to make it such a special
event for all of you, my friends, it will take place in the confines of
this steel cage that hangs above me. Now, it's coming soon to King of the
Ring, and I'm in a little bit of a bid, you see, because although Chris
Jericho and Chris Benoit both hold wins over Stone Cold Steve Austin in
tag team matches, that doesn't really prove anything to me that you are
worthy of a title shot for the WWF title against Stone Cold Steve Austin.
I will not put up with your nonsense. Tomfoolery may have gone on with
other commissionerships that were here in the WWF, but not while I'm here,
because I (William Regal) am by far--" SKREEEKRASH here comes MICK
FOLEY to talk about his book - oh, wait, for once he isn't carrying it
with him. Ross quickly picks up the slack by exclaiming "FOLEY IS GOOD!"
Sheesh. Crowd chants "Foley" again. "Thank you. Thank you very much,
this - this may come as something of a shock to you, but I'd like to say
to you, William, that I wish in the past I'd taken a little bit more time
to listen to your words of wisdom, because I'd just like to admit, and
it's going to be hard for me to do, but I would like to admit that many
times in the past I have been guilty of committing tomfoolery. As a
matter of fact, my entire commissionary reign was plagued by rampant,
nonstop acts of tomfoolery! And as we all know, tomfoolery just begets
more darn tomfoolery - what a fool I've been!" "What the bloody hell are
you talking about?! I know I say this to you every time I see you, but is
there any point to this incoherent rambling?" "Actually William (my good
chap) tonight, there is - and speaking of tonight, did you see my
performance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno? Tonight, there is, because
right here IN RICHMOND VIRGINIA! I have come to announce a very important
guest." "Let me just stop you right there, sunshine. Listen, you don't
have ANY power here whatsoever anymore - I'M in charge! The only guest
that you'll be getting is a visit with somebody that you know very well,
and that is Security. Security, please take this foul disgusting,
miserable pillock away! And so I am sorry, Michael, but your guest will
just have to wait outside with all the other deadbeats - Security, come
and get this fool--" But once again the music interrupts - it's "(Oh oh)
WrestleMania" and that can only mean OH BOY! Some NEW BLOOD to liven up
this segment - or LINDA McMAHON - take your choice. Regal grins. "Ah,
Mrs. McMahon, what an unsuspected (unsuspected?) surprise, I mean - what
do we owe the pleasure? It's absolutely wonderful to see you, honestly,
it's so---" "William - William, thank you. But let's just dispense with
all of your little pleasantries if we may. You see, William, I've been
spending a lot of time talking to lawyers, and I've been spending a lot of
time thinking about what would be an appropriate main event for King of
the Ring. You s-- you see, I don't agree with you, William, in your
judgment of Benoit and Jericho, I've heard you say you don't think they're
worthy of a title shot - but I do. I believe BOTH gentlemen are worthy of
a title shot. And I thought that what might be fair - and you think about
this - what might be fair would be to have Stone Cold Steve Austin defend
his title against Benoit and Jericho, but in individual matches.
Wawawait, wait, hear me out. You see, if Austin first faces Benoit and is
successful, then in a second match on the evening of King of the Ring, he
would have an opportunity to face Jericho." "But Mrs. McMahon, please, I
mean Stone Cold Steve Austin having to wrestle two matches in one night at
King of the Ring - is that fair?" "Well, you know, William, I think this
is one time when you and I might see eye to eye. Actually, I *don't*
think that would be fair, but I don't think it would be fair to Benoit or
to Jericho. You see, if Benoit faced Austin and he won, Jericho would
have no opportuntity at a title match, so it wouldn't be fair to either
fellow. So I put that idea aside and - actually thought, I'll just forget
about having any involvement in King of the Ring...but then I got a call
from Mick. And, ah, it was Mick who pointed out to me something that was
said last week on SmackDown!, so let's roll that footage so you can see
exactly what I'm talking about." "William, you're gonna LOVE this one."
"Stone Cold Steve Austin can beat Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho, any
night, in this ring, at the same time, because that's what kind of
champion Stone Cold Steve Austin is." "So, what I have to say to that is,
Mick, thanks for the tip, and Stone Cold...thank you!" "Foley!"
"Because, having just heard in Stone Cold's own words that that's the kind
of champion he is, then I think (in the interest of fairness) that the
main event of the King of the Ring should definitely be Stone Cold Steve
Austin defending his title against both Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho in
a Triple Threat match! That way, obviously from Austin's own lips,
he gets what he wants, Benoit and Jericho definitely get what they want,
and probably Mr. McMahon himself will be happy knowing that my lawyers and
I have gotten what we want, which is the only fair thing. But ah,
Commissioner - is that what you want? What do YOU think?" "Yes, William
- what indeed do YOU want?" "Well, Mrs. McMahon, if you and your lawyers
are happy, then....I'm sure Mr. McMahon will be very happy and so...at
King of the Ring, Stone Cold Steve Austin will be in a Triple Threat match
against Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit for the WWF title! Now is there
anything else that I can do for you?" "I'd just like to point out that
that was one fine piece of commissionary work you did, and also point out
that you did refer to Mrs. McMahon as a 'deadbeat.'" SKREEEEEKRASH Linda
- I think - makes a face. WOW WHAT A PAYOFF! I wonder why Linda didn't
have Regal change Jericho and Benoit's matches for tonight - ohhhh I'm
I went back and checked - Linda tugs on her jacket somewhere around *31*
times. That woman needs to find something else to do with her hands while
she addresses the nation!
And now, Combos presents the WWF Slam of the Week! From SmackDown!, Kane
gives X-Pac the big powerbomb to retain his title, but Albert strikes
post-match with HIS Baldobomb.
Backstage, Edge chats with Rhyno. "Hardcore title, huh? How's that
treatin' ya?" "Fine. You're not thinking about trying to take it are
you?" "Oh, dude, that's not my cup of tea--" Here's Christian. "What's
going on here, guys? Huh? What are you guys doing? Oh I get it - I get
it - this is the 'already advanced in the King of the Ring' club. Yeah.
That's why you guys are so smug, that's great. Well I got Kane next, the
intercontinental champion. I have to go through Kane to qualify for the
King of the Ring - man this REEKS!" "Man, don't worry about it! I'll be
in your corner, and Rhyno will be back here rootin' ya on, you'll
advance!" "Oh - that's pretty reassuring - a lot of good you did me last
week." Off he goes. "You know what - he's my brother, but sometimes he
can be such a (beep)!"
KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCH: KANE v. CHRISTIAN
(with Edge - and Edge's music) - Kane with a boot in the gut, right,
right, Christian goes down. Into the corner, double choke...and
drop. Off the ropes, but the elbowdrop misses - Christian with a seated
clothesline. Right, right, right, right, whip is reversed into a short
clothesline by Kane. Christian pops up, right hand from Kane down. Into
the ropes, tilt-a-whirl slam. Each show, Kane's bandages are a little
smaller. Into the corner, but Christian gets the elbow up. Christian
with a right, right, Kane shoves him back in the corner. Christian ducks
the clothesline - but runs into the big boot. Kane going up for the
flying clothesline - and hits it! Cover - 1, 2, Edge pulls Kane
off. Kane looks Edge's way - then tries a swing at Christian - ducks,
hooks the arm, going for the Tomokaze but Kane breaks up the hold on his
arms - ducks under Christian's legs and gets him on his
shoulders. Christian falls back to get out, off the ropes..but into a
choke. Edge up on the apron before Kane can unleash the chokeslam - Kane
lets go and grabs Edge - Christian runs at Kane, who moves out of the way
and there's the "misunderstanding" collision - oh no. CHOKESLAM!! Edge
has referee "Blind" Tim White tied up at the ropes, however, which means
he *completely* misses YAAAAAAAAAAAALBERT coming in, hitting a Baldobomb
on Kane, and leaving - Christian covers - 1, 2, 3, and Christian
advances. (2:14) Kane with the zombie situp - and general cursing - but
Christian and Edge are long gone.
Outside the arena, Mr. & Mrs. Austin arrive - Debra pulling the luggage,
Steve with the belt over his shoulder. They come in as Linda and Mick are
leaving. "Debra, how are you - Steve, how are YOU?" "How do you think I
am, Linda? You're making my life - take this - take it and put it in my
dressing room. (Debra groans) You're making my life miserable! Just like
you're making Vince's life miserable! That's what you do! You make
people miserable! You got no business here! You got - why don't you go
do what women do - why don't you go scrub some pots and pans--" Mick
steps in front as Linda gets in the limousine. "Why don't you shut your
mouth - you listen to me. I don't like the way you treat your wife..."
"What's my name?" "...your name's Steve Austin, and I'm telling you, you
can treat your wife how you like, I don't like it, but I can't do anything
to do it, but that's Linda McMahon, and you WILL treat her with the
respect she deserves...Steve." Mick walks off...Steve rushes the limo
window. "Go scrub some pots and pans, Linda - takin' all his money, are
you happy? Do you think you deserve that much money? Five hundred m--
don't roll up that window, Linda! You don't deserve that much money,
Linda! You didn't do NOTHIN' for it! You didn't--" "Hey Steve! Steve!
Maybe you didn't hear the match that Linda McMahon just made out there,
the match that Commissioner Regal officially ratified, so let me tell you
- it'll be you defending your WWF Championship against Chris Benoit - and
Chris Jericho - at the same time in a Triple Threat match! How's that
hitcha, CHAMP?" Austin runs around but Mick's already in HIS side of the
limo, which drives off. "Come back here you - son of a bitch!" Austin
upends a trash can, then yells out "YOU SON OF A (BEEP)!"
WWF Fanatic Series: "Chris Jericho - Break Down the Walls" spot
Chyna (who?) shills Stacker 2
Mick Foley shills Big Beefaroni
Here's a look at the exterior of the Richmond Colesium
Here's a look at Mick Foley on the Tonight Show (courtesy NBC
HARDY BOYZ (with Lita & Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. JUSTIN
CREDIBLE & JUSTIN OTHERGUY (with Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks to
SmackDown!) - Footage of Albert tossing Eddie Guerrero out of the ring and
Guerrero clutching his knee is offered by way of writing Eddie out of
things for a while - he's gonna "be away several weeks to take care of his
issues - including his knee." And just when his angle was getting good,
too, right? Poor Eddie - hope he gets well. X-Pac starts with Matt -
'Pac with a lunge for Lita, just in case you forgot he was a
heel. Lockup, Hardy with the side headlock, X-Pac to the gut, powering
out - shoulderblock by Hardy. Up and over, leapfrog by X-Pac, hiptoss by
'Pac blocked, knee over the neck, flippy flippy, spinning heel kick
ducked, sitout clothesline by Hardy, arm wringer, X-Pac punches out,
right, Hardy right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, X-Pac shoves
Matt through the ropes and outside, then runs over to give Jeff a free
shot - and also draw the attention of referee "Blind" Chad Patton away
from Credible, who superkicks Matt on the outside. Rolled back in for
X-Pac, who covers as Patton figures out what's up - 1, 2, no. Head to the
buckle, tag to Credible. Kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right,
right, right, pulling him out of the corner into a powerbomb-alike for
2. Head to the buckle, tag out. Kick by Credible, crowd chants
"Lita." 'Pac runs Matt's head into the adjacent corner, kick trifecta,
skipping into the broncobuster - but nobody's home! Credible in to try a
seated dropkick - Matt evades THAT and Credible lands between the
turnbuckles, trying to wrap his ankle around the bottom rope in the
process. Matt makes a lunge and MAKES THE TAG! Jeff flips into the ring
- ducks X-Pac's clothesline and clotheslines Credible on the
followthrough - double leg takedown on 'Pac, double legdrop between the
legs, gutshot for Credible, into the corner where Credible goes up and
over - Matt crouches next to him for Poetry in Motion - X-Pac tries a
whip on Matt, but that's reversed - Poetry in Motion for him! Matt with a
scoop slam on X-Pac as Jeff climbs up...but Credible crotches him on
top. Matt right Credible, right, right, taking him outside - meanwhile,
Lita hits the scary rana on X-Pac - Jeff is back up and THERE'S the
swantonbomb - and there's a 1, 2, 3. (3:18) But Credible turns it around
on Matt with a DDT on the floor - then comes back in to take it to
Jeff. X-Pac outside, bringing a chair in - WHACK for Jeff. Play THEIR
In the Commissioner's office, Tajiri learns that the best way to become a
WWF Superstar is to continue to do the commissioner favours. In barges
Austin. "Boy you're about to get your damn ass whupped! Don't give me
that stupid look - you booked a King of the Ring Triple Threat match -
Stone SHUT UP - Stone Cold, Benoit and Jericho - who do you think you
are?" "I had no choice--" "Yeah you DID have a choice - LOOK AT ME - my
name is Stone Cold Steve Austin and I did not-- get your ass over here"
Austin clears his desk for him. "GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE. You look at me
like a damn man. Who do you think you are? Do you know who I am?"
Tajiri thoughtfully rubs underneath his nose. "I know who you are."
"Then what are you thinking?" "Well, it was the lesser of two
evils...Mrs. McMahon--" "I just sent her ass outta here!" "...look, I'm
trying - she wanted you to wrestle both Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho in
singles matches at King of the Ring, I'm only trying to do the best for
you." "How you figure it's the best for me? I got two guys in one match?
See look - there's a conspiracy going on against here, trying to get the
World Wrestling Federation title from Stone Cold." "If Mr. McMahon would
sort out his marital problems, we wouldn't have any of this, would we?"
"That's the excuse you're gonna use - you better come up with something
better than that..." Tajiri interrupts at this point, seeing Austin put
his hands on Regal - Austin, however, doesn't speak Japanese and doesn't
take kindly to the interruption, laying into Tajiri with a big right hand,
running him over the desk (breaking the tea service in the process), and
continuing to stomp a mudhole in him, then shoving the chair over him.
Austin calls him a (beep) and takes off, leaving carnage in his wake.
"Tough Enough" ad
When we come back, Trish Stratus catches up to Steve Blackman, who is
wielding his mighty kendo dick - stick. Kendo stick. She offers her
support at ringside in his KOR Qualifier match with Saturn. Blackman
suggests she's not there to help him, but to get some more payback against
Terri since she didn't get enough in the bra and panties match.
"Speaking of that bra and panties match, you seemed to pay close attention
to that, huh?" "Well, I mean I - I was watching it for the wrestling
moves." "Right! What was your favourite move?" "Umm...uh...." "I know,
it boggles the mind really, I mean it was such a technical match and all.
I'll see you out there, Steve." Blackman ponders...and let's his staff
fall from half to limp. YUK YUK YUK
Meanwhile, Jericho and Benoit discuss. "Just think about it, Chris - what
a chance at King of the Ring, in a Triple Threat match for the World
Wrestling Federation championship - Austin versus you...versus me. And
how long have we been waiting for this opportunity, our entire careers,
and I just wanna tell you man to man, friend to friend, that if I win that
championship I want you to be the first one that gets a shot at it." "If
you win?" "Yeah." "Well Chris, I'm glad to see you've got that
confidence, but I don't want you to forget I'm also gonna be in that
ring." "No." "And when *I* win the championship, out of respect, I'm
gonna give YOU the first shot." "Well keep this in mind, too, Chris, it
might just come down to you versus me. And with the championship on the
line, I wanna tell you I'm gonna be giving it my all - 100% - to win the
title." "You know I wouldn't expect anything less - but after all the
hell we've been through - and what we've accomplished, and after all the
hell Stone Cold's put us through - at King of the Ring - heh - he's due
for some serious payback." "Yeah, you're damn right he is." After
nodding knowingly, they part ways...
Meanwhile, Spike and Molly are FINALLY alone - they've been walking around
since SmackDown! looking for a place of their own! "Molly, I'm so psyched
to see you." "You are?" "Yeah, I've been thinking about you all week,
and tonight I promise to give you what I tried to give you on SmackDown!,
and I always keep my promises. But then I get to the arena and I find out
about this six person tag match!" "I know, I'm so sorry about Hardcore
and Crash. I don't know why the Hollys always feel like they have to
fight to solve their problems. And then tonight, me and my cousins having
to wrestle you and your brothers - I wish my cousins would just leave me
alone, and let me live my life!" "Molly, you don't have to apologise for
them - they're just being protective of you and I can certainly understand
that. But as for this match, you've got nothing to worry about. I won't
fight against you - I'll only fight for you. Our families, they can fight
if they want to, but as far as I'm concerned, nothing's gonna come between
us." "Oh, Spike..." They grab hands and lean in....only to have Bubba
Ray pull back Spike by the hair at the last minute. "Oh. I'm so sorry!
Was I interrupting something? Huh? Come on, Spike. We got a match."
"Oh yeah, Molly - don't worry - I won't forget to bring the table."
Meanwhile, Austin is in the underground parking lot with Vince McMahon.
"Made it? Yeah, your stupid wife made a match at King of the Ring - Stone
Cold Steve Austin versus Benoit and Jericho in a Triple Threat match, it's
a conspiracy, two on one, and I do not like it! And I hold you
responsible." "Steve, I don't know a damn thing about--" "I THINK YOU
DO!" "I don't know a damn thing about this - let's talk about it in the
dressing room!" Vince starts to walk, but Austin grabs him by the
lapel and pulls him back. "Don't you walk away from me! Don't you dare
walk away from me." There's a long, uneasy staredown...and then Austin
HUGS McMahon. The camera walks around to McMahon's back - Austin has a
blank expression on his face as he pats Vince's back.
It's SummerSlam in the Compaq Center at San Jose! Tickets are still
available for this 19 August show!
Time now for a Classic King of the Ring moment! From last year, Jericho
applies a Greco-Roman liplock to Stephanie.
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Combos Snax presents King of the Ring!) v.
RHYNO THE MAN BEAST AND WELL IT'S A BIG SHOW in a handicap match - Rhyno
rushes the ring and they trade rights as Show's entrance begins. Whip
into the corner by Jericho, bulldog out, suplex, then running to the ropes
for a springboard dropkick for the Show, keeping him out on the floor.
Right for Rhyho, into the ropes, back elbow, Lionsault - 1, 2, Show pulls
Jericho outside - knee, into the STEEL steps, well it's a big short
clothesline. Show presses Jericho over the top rope and back inside,
where Rhyno uncorks a clothesline. Head to the buckle. Kick, kick, kick,
kick, words for referee "Blind" Mike Chioda, into the opposite corner, big
shoulder to the gut. Head to Show's boot, tag. Well it's a big whip into
the ropes, well it's a big boot. Well it's a big elbowdrop. You know
what? I STILL find this riff funny, so screw the lot of you. Show puts a
boot onto Jericho - Chioda counts 1, then Show decides to walk over
Jericho and say "you don't count 'til I tell you to!" Chioda: "Yes sir!"
"How's your Jericho now?" "Y2J" chant. Tag to Rhyno. Open kick, right,
into the ropes, head down, Jericho kicks, enzuigiri. Both men are down -
Show yells for the tag. Chioda up to 6 - both men up - Jericho lands
first - right, into the ropes, reversed, Jericho with the flying jalapeno!
We'll hear from Triple H later tonight! Free shot for the Show. Right
for Rhyno - oops, shouldn't have made him angry - Show in with a double
sledge to Jericho's back. Well it's a big knee. Slap. Rhyno and Show
take turns. Into the opposite corner - Rhyno whips Show into a do si do
whip of Rhyno, but Jericho's gone - Show runs at Jericho, but he sidesteps
him so he can splash Rhyno instead. Right by Jericho, right, Show with
the choke. Jericho kicks him in the....Little Show. Rhyno tossed over
the top rope. Jericho up top - missile dropkick! Going for the Walls of
Jericho - and he's got it! But Rhyno comes in - Jericho releases Show,
double leg, Walls of Jericho on Rhyno! But Show stops THAT, grabbing him
by the neck - ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAAAM! (Ross: "what a spike
piledriver!" YIKES) But now it's Rhyno with the GORE! GORE! GORE! on the
Big Show (WOT!), then covers Jericho to steal the fall. (4:13) Show
seems unhappy - Jericho seems concussed.
Hey look! It's Shane O Mac! And! He's! WALKING! He catches up to Kane
- after they have an irrelevant conversation about Albert, Shane thanks
Kane for saving his bacon last week. Shane repeats that he has nothing to
do with the Sara thing, and he shouldn't stick his nose in family
business, but... "Shane, if you KNOW something..." Shane says that he
knows one person who interferes in marital affairs - for instance,
Stephanie and Triple H - and it's Kurt Angle. "That goody two shoes image
just might be a little too goody two shoes, if you know what I mean."
Wow, maybe this *is* continuity - like, if Kane actually FALLS for this
and drops the dime on Angle to his brother, it'd prove that he's STILL
When we come back, MICHAEL KING COLE catches up to Rhyno backstage.
Why'd he do what he just done? "Simple, Michael. I've beaten Chris
Jericho not once, not twice, but three straight times. Now, at King of
the Ring, if Chris Jericho wins the WWF title...makes ME the #1 Contender.
Not bad, huh?"
Your hosts are LARRY KING & PAUL HEYMAN. Still to come tonight, Blackman
and Saturn in the KOR Qualifier, and a huge cage match with Benoit and
In the trainers room, Chris Trainerguy checks on Jericho - nobody's home
from the concussion. Suddenly, Steve Austin comes in and lays out Jericho
with a vicious beatdown.
Here's KING KURT ANGLE (with "WWF:
The Music [Volume 5]" CD cover and RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box &
CC box) to share a few words. "As an American hero, it makes me SICK
whenever I set foot in Richmond, Virginia. Richmond - 'the capital of the
Confederacy.' Boy did your ancestors screw up - big-time! And as bad as
your ancestors were, you people are even worse! At least they fought in
real-life battles - you people spend perfectly good time re-enacting those
battles - battles in which you lost, I might add; you got your butts
kicked! And since you people are so fond of re-enactments, I decided to
have one right In This Very Ring tonight. Tonight you will see the
historic re-enactment of Kurt Angle kicking the H-E-double hockey sticks
outta Chris Benoit one more time! Only this time...it's gonna be in a
steel cage. Shut up. And this time, I'm gonna snap his ankle in two!
You know, all my life I've lived by one motto and one motto only: Cheaters
never win. And Benoit, you're a cheater. And me, I'm a hero WORSHIPPED
by millions! Oh it's true - it's true. And it's my non-cheating ways
that have enabled me to be the very first WWF Superstar to be inducted
into the National Amateur Wrestling Hall of Fame. You people wanna see
the footage? I thought so - roll it. Stillwater, Oklahoma - Your Olympic
Hero, proudly accepting the National Wrestling Hall of Fame honour. Of
course, you people wouldn't know about a true American hero, wouldja?
You people HAVE to respect that! Shut up and show some respect to Your
Olympic Hero! You know something - all of you combined haven't
accomplished a hundredth of what I've accomplished! Oh it's true. And to
be honest, I'm ABOVE the average man, and I'm not being arrogant. In
fact, I'd go so far to say...that I'm the closest thing to a modern-day
superhero there is." "Angle sux!" "No I *don't* suck, I'm a National
Hall of Fame inductee!" Ha ha "I mean, think about this, I can take down
any person at any given time - WOW! Real life heroes - firemen,
policemen, teachers - they've all done great things, but compared to me,
they got NOTHIN'! And it's my superhero qualities that will enable me to
be the very first WWF superstar to win back-to-back King of the Ring
honours. I will be the King of the Ring champion two years in a row, oh
it's true, it's true. And if that's not enough, after I successfully
defend my King of the Ring crown, I'm gonna have MORE than enough to teach
that snot-nosed punk Shane McMahon a little lesson. And Shane, I know
you're in the building, walking around like some idiot talent that you
are, planning your little sneak attack. Well Shane, for once in your
life, don't be a coward - if you wanna face me, if you wanna confront me,
come out here right now. That's right, Shane, I'm calling you out, let's
go!" Of course, the response is from TAKER, who walks out and backs up
Angle. "Whoa whoa, I got no beef with you--" "Shut your stinkin' mouth!
I'll TELL you when you can talk. Word has it you like messin' with other
men's wives. Shut your mouth, Kurt. Now if you know anything about mine
and what's goin' on with her, I suggest you start talkin' while you still
got teeth in your mouth." "What are you talking about? Whoa whoa whoa.
Hey I'm sorry some maniac is stalking your wife but I got better things to
do! First of all, I met your wife once - I didn't even like her! I
didn't even find her attractive!" Oops. SOUPBONE! Taker helps him up,
to give him the Last Ride. At this point, the EntertainmentTron fires up
with another video.
"Undertaker, we're back here at your home. But Sara's not there - where
is she? What have you done with her? (cut to a black glove opening a
hotel room door) I know where Sara is. Yeah, Sara's here. Sara's here
in this hotel room where you've hidden her out. Trying to keep Sara away
from me. I don't like that, Undertaker. I don't like you keeping Sara
away from me. I'm growing tired of your games, Undertaker. Very tired of
your games. I'm warning you, don't keep Sara away from me. Because
wherever Sara is...I'll be. And I've left your wife a special message.
Sara...I know where you are." Yikes, pawing through the underwear?
Taker runs up the aisle and outta here - meanwhile, SHANE O MAC hits the
ring from the crowd, gives Angle an Olympic Slam (!), then runs off before
Security can catch him - but they play his music anyway. Ummm.....yeah
And now, the WWF Rewind, presented by 1-800-COL-LECT! From RAW last week,
Hugh Morrus moonsaults Edge, affecting Kane's match with Christian...well,
not in the slightest. I guess I was the only guy on the Internet NOT to
notice that he Morrus landed on him, but thanks to the WWF Rewind, I can
notice it now! How does Vince feel about a WCW superstar appearing in
this segment, I wonder.
Wow, NASCAR at Sears Point NEXT week!
Shop Zone spot
One more look at the exterior of the Richmond Colesium
Here's a Special Video Look at the Rock's appearance at the MTV Movie
Awards - along with several celebrities' impressions of the Rock. I
notice that practically ALL of these people made it to E!'s "Fashion
Victim" report - damn, they didn't talk to Li'l Kim? I mean, it IS after
10 and all...
KING OF THE RING QUALIFYING MATCH: SUPERSTAR PERRY SATURN (with Dean
Malenko & Nipples & Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. MR. PARTY TIME
(with Trish Stratus - the fitness model - and the wwf.com
logo) - Saturn seems more interested in locking it up with referee "Blind"
Jack Doan than his opponent - Blackman watches this chase with confusion -
Saturn sneaks in a schoolboy for 2. Blackman with a clothesline. Into
the corner, dropkick to the back by Blackman. Second "WWF Live" crawl (I
forgot to mention the first one - oh well - most of you wish I'd forgotten
this one as well, har har). Right by Blackman, right, into the ropes,
Saturn reverses into a knee in the gut. Into the ropes, clothesline.
Swinging neckbreaker. 1, 2, no. Knife-edge chop, chop, Blackman chops
back, knee by Saturn, Northern Lights suplex gets 2. Into the ropes,
Blackman with a kick as Saturn's head is down. Saturn tries a clothesline
- ducked - Blackman with another chop. Back kick. Into the ropes,
spinebuster. Terri on the apron, Doan dutifully over to pay attention to
her. Blackman tries to get Doan back to the match as Stratus starts the
chase on the outside - Terri hides behind Malenko. Saturn takes advantage
of a distracted Blackman, ducking the Lethal Kick, hooking the clothesline
and hitting a crucifix for 2. Gutshot by Blackman, into the ropes,
Blackman with the press, drop and chop. Drops down for a splits uppercut.
Blackman does a brief martial arts display with the air, then informs the
crowd that "IT'S PARTY TIME!" Belly-to-belly suplex lands. Malenko on
the apron - Balckman tries to give HIM a swing, but Malenko gets away.
Saturn with a hot shot, into the moss-covered, three handled family
gredunza (Ross: "Fisherman suplex" - it wasn't) - that's his move! 1, 2,
3! (2:03) Stratus in the ring to get some of Terri afterwards.
CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT! Malenko is ready to break it up with
Blackman's kendo stick, but Blackman reclaims his penis, then gives Saturn
a big whack in the noggin for good measure. Ohhhh that's not gonna help
When we come back, Debra tries to calm her frazzled husband...with a
carrot. Austin doesn't remove his hands from his face when he says "I
don't want a carrot." "Okay, I'll put it back. All right - you know how
you love broccoli, you want a--" Austin removes his hands from his face.
"I DON'T WANT NO BROCCOLI! I don't want carrots or broccoli - what I
want, Debra - LOOK AT ME - what I want is to not to go to King of the Ring
and face Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho in a Triple Threat match. I don't
deserve that! What's my name? Stone Cold Steve Austin, and you know
what? You wanna offer me vegetable...you wanna give me...huh? Huh?"
Austin goes Cookie Monster on the veggie platter...then throws it into the
wall. And off he walks.
Meanwhile, Hardcore and Crash limber up. Here comes Molly. "Look, guys -
please don't hurt Spike tonight. You don't know how I feel about him!"
Hardcore: "How you FEEL about him? You're just a little girl, you don't
know WHAT you feel!" Crash: "Yeah - what you know? You're just a little
girl!" "Yes I do know how I feel - Spike is nice and intelligent and
tough!" Crash: "Tough - we'll see how tough he is." "Please don't hurt
him on account of me!" Hardcore: "Look, the only way your little geeky
boyfriend's gonna survive...is if you beat him. You pin him in the rin 1,
2, 3." They yuk it up. Crash: "Come on, Mol - we're next."
Meanwhile, Regal surveys his wreckage. "(sigh) Mrs. Thatcher gave me
this. And look at my knob, it's completely useless!" Terri and Dean
enter. Regal's eyes go straight to Terri's headlights - she tries to
direct him to her eyes. "Commissioner...hi, I need to ask you a very big
favour. Well, I don't know if you'd paid attention lately but Perry has
taken quite a few shots to the head, and because of that, quite
frankly....well...." "He's NUTS!" "Yes." "He's totally out of his
mind!" "And because of that, we need to ask that you PLEASE give us
SmackDown! off. That would give Perry a little break, Dean has a date set
up, we could do a little double thing maybe, and maybe take a little
pressure off of Perry." Regal says fine. Here comes Saturn. "British
people fight dragons so they don't get all firey." "Yes, I - I suppose
they do - thank you." "You're welcome." "No, thank you." "You're
welcome." "Perry, we need to get your head checked." "You're welcome!"
"Oh God..." Malenko: "This is what I have to live with."
"Tough Enough" ad
(THREE) DAMN DUDLEYZ (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by Stacker 2,
Castrol motor oily, and Universal Pictures' "The Fast and the Furious" -
check out the sweepstakes at WWF.com!) v. MOLLY HOLLY & CRASH HAS NO LAST
NAME & KOOL JAY PEE - They demand that Spike start - Crash awaits. Knee,
scoop slam, tag out to Molly. Molly tries to help up Spike, who rares
back - then sees it's Molly and stops. They don't want to lock up, while
the four men on the apron all scream at them. Finally, Hardcore reaches
over and pulls Spike down by his hair. Molly expresses concern, then
backs too close to her corner, and Hardcore tags himself in. Kick, kick,
head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right,
right. Double underhook slam. Stomp. Tag to Crash. Scoop...and a
slam. Crash going up top - but Spike crotches him. Spike crawls towards
his corner - strangely, both brothers are reaching out - and D-Von is even
encouraging some rhythmic clapping - tag to D-Von! Ducks a swing, right,
right, right, into the ropes, jumpin' back elbow, powerslam, 1, 2,
Hardcore breaks it up - here comes Bubba Ray on HIM. D-Von tosses Crash
through the rope. Whip (crowd chants "3D" - ha), Hardcore reverses, but
Bubba Ray pulls him into a scoop slam - that can only mean it's time for
"What Are You Doing?" Bubba Ray shoves Crash off the apron again, stares
at Molly while D-Von does the Testify Dance, then snaps to and asks D-Von
to ... do something or other. Both men outside to set up the table
(which, Herb Kunze, will remind you, is the most over man in this match -
and he'd be right). Bubba Ray has a hold of Molly - no, she's
free. D-Von bac in the ring - Crash on him - whip is reversed - oh
now THERE'S that 3D. (Dudley Death Drop) D-Von covers - 1, 2, 3. You
know, I think both men were even legal! (3:56) Hardcore in post-match
with a double clothesline - surprisingly, Bubba Ray doesn't go unconscious
from the steel plate in Holly's left arm. D-Von gets the whip
spinebuster. Hardcore to the apron to lay rights into Bubba Ray - Bubba
Ray fighting back with lefts - both men with rights - both men falling off
the apron through the table! That's five men down and Molly on the apron
looking concerned - but wait...here comes Spike back into the ring, to his
feet - smiles around - grabbing hands - HIYO! Ross: "Just like Brad Pitt
and what's her name!" Wait, so Ross remembers the name of the
GUY? Quick, take me to the break
As the ominous "Theme from Cage Lowering" plays....(duh) the cage slowly
To kill time while that's being set up, here's a Special Video Look at
Triple H's rehabilitation. He's ready for the pain. Kevin Wilk talks a
bit about what it takes to come back, and that Triple H is ready to put in
that hard work to come back. "If it takes me six months, I'll take
six...but if I can be back and be 100% in three, I'll be back. And when I
do come back, I will be the best, one more time. And uh, there's a lot of
people out there that will talk trash while I'm gone - a lot of people
will run their mouth when I'm gone, but when I come back...it's all gonna
Commentators tell us they miss him
It's WWF New York!
TEST is inside. He sneaks in a Stephanie barb (more time lying down than
standing up), then congratulates Shane on his "Olympic Slam" - oops, he
didn't get the memo about having to call it the Angleslam. As for WCW, if
the rumours are true about what Shane's doing with it..."yeah. Test may
want a piece of that action."
Earlier Tonight, Austin went from losing it to lost it - Linda,
Mick, Regal, Vince, Jericho, Debra all interact with our champion
Another look at the cage, on the way to our last ad break
When we come back, believe it or not, the cage is STILL there. Earl
Hebner climbs inside as we learn that pinfall, submission or escape will
win this match...
MY NAME IS STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN makes his way to the commentary table,
sets up his own chair and sits aside Heyman. Ross puts on his wounded
puppy face as Austin takes third headset. "Don't you look at me like
that, ya little bastard. You eyeballin' me? Don't you dare. I done
whipped your ass once, you little sumbitch, don't think I won't do it
rigyht here right now - BAM! You know that guy Tom Bodett, leaves the
lights on for ya? Just the opposite - I'll turn your lights out. Do you
understand me? That's right, that's what you call me 'yes, sir, no sir.'"
KING KURT ANGLE v. CHRIS BENOIT within the confines of the STEEL cage - "I
hate it when those guys have their little sparklers and the explosions.
... You probably liked that Angleslam, didn'tya? You think he deserved
that, huh? Huh LOOK AT ME HILLBILLY BOY! You're damn right it don't, I
don't give a damn WHAT you like. Don't even look at me. No, look at me,
you ain't gonna look at me when I'm talking to ya? You disrespecting me?
Look at me, JR. I said look at me. That's right. Boy, I'll run right
over you like a speedbump. Don't get nervous. Stop sweatin'." Dammit,
is this guy the most awesome guy ever or what? Okay, here we go. Angle
awaits Benoit through the cage door - big shoulder in the gut, to a
waistlock - back up, knee - pulling Benoit into a belly-to-belly overhead
suplex! Angle pulls him into ANOTHER belly-to-belly! "I HATE him! I
hate that little snaggletooth bastard. Can I go on record saying that,
Jim? Does that offend you?" Angle picks up Benoit, again trying to whip
him and pull him back into the suplex, but this time Benoit grabs his arm
and tries for the crossface! Angle rolls under to break the hold, runs at
Benoit who AGAIN gets the arm, arm wringer counter by Angle, Benoit
counters back - Angle runs Benoit into the wall of the cage to evade the
threat. Wow, this "over the back" shot of the commentators brings back
old-timey memories of the weekend syndies - remember that? Angle rams
Benoit into the cage wall again. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Head to the
buckle, right, right, kick, kick, kick, right, Benoit reverses positions -
chop! Chop! Chop! Right! Right, chop, Euro elbow, whip is reversed,
boot up by Benoit, chop, chop, ("I hate those knife-edge chops!") into
the corner, but Angle grabs Benoit on the charge and uplifts him into the
corner of the cage! Angle puts Benoit's back into the wall of the cage.
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Head to the cage. Angle lifts Benoit
up, but Benoit comes back with another chop. Chop! Chop! Gutshot, snap
suplex - and holding on for a second snap suplex! Trying for a third, but
Angle puts a knee in the gut. Knee, knee. Angle with a gutwrench suplex!
Angle brings Benoit back up - ANOTHER gutwrench suplex! Ross wonders if
Austin will have a match with Benoit after THIS match. "You sassin' me?
It ain't none of your business - don't sass me! You lookin' at me through
your stupid little glasses." Angle with a THIRD gutwrench suplex - man,
he makes it look so easy. And now Angle climbs the wall of the cage - umm
- THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE - Benoit up from behind - Angle kicks him away -
Benoit grabs again - Angle kicks again - Benoit climbing up after him -
Angle rams his head into the top of the cage - three times - but Benoit
STILL stands on the top rope - now directly behind Angle, and - holy shit
- applying the waistlock - he's not gonna - three forearms in the back -
trying again - six more forearms in the back - he's - HE DID - GERMAN
SUPLEX FROM THE TOP ROPE! Ho-lee SHIT. "I hope they both stay down, I'm
gettin' sick of it." Combos Double Feature of that suplex. DAMN. Both
men are down...no, Benoit is up! And now Benoit climbs up the corner (THE
DOOR! IT'S *RIGHT THERE!*) as we take one more Combos Double Feature but
Angle pops up after him, climbs up the corner, and shoves Benoit off.
Angle with a Savage elbow. Both men slowly up. Benoit with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, Angle rakes the
face, into the ropes is reversed - Benoit sends Angle into the wall of the
cage. Benoit throws him into the cage wall again. And now Benoit runs
Angle into the wall one more time. Benoit with a stomp. Benoit climbing
up the corner - but Angle is up from behind with the uppernut. Benoit
falls back to the mat. OLYMPIC SLAM!! Does Angle try to pin him? Does
Angle use the door? No, he's climbing up the corner again. "Pin him!
Angle's an idiot, why didn't he pin him? Olympic Slam, what the hell's he
thinking?" Angle up atop the cage...FUCK! MOONSAULT FROM THE TOP OF THE
CAGE! AND NOBODY HOME! "He had him right where he wanted with the
Olympic Slam, he does a belly flop off the top of the cage - what a
jackass!" Combos Double Feature of the missed moonsault. Benoit is back
up - stomp. Into the ropes, knee in the midsection. Into the ropes,
ANOTHER big knee buried in the gut. Again he tries to put Angle in the
ropes, but Angle reverses...then sends Benoit into the cage wall. "I
can't believe Angle's so damn stupid. Now he's getting smart again.
STAY ON HIM, KURT. Jesus... STAY ON HIM!" Angle picks up Benoit...on
the shoulder - javelin into the cyclone fencing. "Angle sux!" Angle puts
him on his shoulder again - THIS time Benoit goes down the back, shoves
Angle into the fence, and catches Angle with a German suplex (Crowd:
"ONE!") - holding on for another ("TWO!") and holding on for the third
("THREE!") - Angle finally blocks the attempt, back elbow, back elbow,
trying a clothesline but Benoit ducks and reclasps the waistlock - German
suplex ("FOUR!"), holding on again for two ("FIVE!") and again ("SIX!")
Benoit is up first, and heads for the door (well it's ABOUT TIME somebody
did that) - Angle desperately lunging for him - Benoit lets him run into
the door, then reapplies the waistlock - "SEVEN!" - "EIGHT!" - "NINE!"
That's THREE triples by Benoit - wow. Benoit climbs the corner - he's
gonna make it this time - no, wait, Austin is off headset, grabbing his
chair - and swinging it on the cage! Another swing! Benoit perches on
top - he should leap onto Austin, but I doubt that's gonna
happen....instead, he looks back to Angle - and decides "well, if I did it
on Thunder for NO viewers, I might as well bust it out for the overrun of
the War Zone, too" - OH YEAH, SWANDIVE HEADBUTT FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE!!
Both men are down, and STAYING down, which allows us another set of Combos
Double Features. Austin is screaming "Get your ass up!" but I don't think
Angle is listening to him right now. It's been almost a minute since
Benoit hit the headbutt - only NOW is he stirring - Austin runs over and
shoves doorminder Teddy Long into the barricade, then grabs the door
himself. Benoit wants out but Austin stands in the way - Benoit
*dropkicks* the door into Austin! Benoit crawling out...but Angle is over
- ANGLELOCK!! Benoit has the bottom rope but this it's no DQ in the cage
- will Benoit tap? Benoit pushes himself up, turns around - enzuigiri!!
Again Benoit slowly crawls to the door...but Austin slams the door!
Apparently, the ringing sound was really close to his ears, because Benoit
falls backwards to the mat. Angle, head in the clouds, looks to the door
and sees Austin...so he decides to climb the opposite wall - he's up - on
top - legs over - and drops down for the win. (14:30) Psst, let me tell
you a secret. I think we have a ready-made #1 Contender just in case
Benoit wins the title. Austin grabs his chair and comes into the cage -
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! Point of the cahir in the sternum -
THIRTEEN times! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! Again with the
point of the chair - again - WHACK! And a stomp for good measure.
Austin's music plays - Austin grabs his belt - and heads up the
ramp....and stops at the top to look back at his handiwork. Benoit is out
cold. Austin paces across the stage - then starts back down...and stops
halfway. Benoit STILL hasn't managed to get up from the
beating...Austin's expression is vacant. War Zone credits are up, WWF
logo, it's 11:11 and we are outta here!