QUICK QUOTE: WWF 12.05 (+ .44, last year: 19 7/16)
TONIGHT: This Sunday is SummerSlam, but wait - we're talking about
tonight, and TONIGHT, it's a big WCW tag team title return match - in a
STEEL CAG! Also, Austin and Angle will probably be skulking around -
wait, we're spelling O'Haire's first name "Shawn" this week? Who's
PROOFREADING these things?!
TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening Credits
WOW LOOKIT ALL THE PYRO - we are LIVE and in good hands from the Allstate
Arena in Chicago, IL (sign in crowd: SOSA .305) 13.8.1 and transmitido en
espanol on the National Network and the Sports Network! There's some
people in WWF New York as well...
TONIGHT: The WCW tag team titles are on the line in a STEEL CAGE return
match!
The soulful sounds of Drowning Pool herald the arrival of MOST OF THE
W/ECW ROSTER, who surround the ring - I don't see Booker T, but I *do* see
the referees. And now, with a separate entrance of his own, out comes
STONE COLD STEVE
AUSTIN and MAYBE they've finally settled on some
music for the WWF* Champion. Austin in the ring and hitting the corners -
crowd gives a healthy booing. "Under my leadership - under the leadership
of Stone Cold Steve Austin - every man around this ring has a chance, at
least has an opportunity to become as famous as Stone Cold Steve Austin.
I can't promise that it'll happen, but at least they have the opportunity.
Now ever since Stone Cold Steve Austin....ever since Stone Cold Steve
Austin JOINED THE ALLIANCE, I've led by example. I believe that anybody
can come out here and flap their gums - aww, big deal! I lead by example
- that's why I didn't have to wait 'til this SUNDAY to go to SUMMERSLAM
and beat the HELL...OUT of Kurt Angle, oh no I didn't. What I did was,
startin' last Thursday, if you'll pull up a little footage on the big
screen, this is leading by example. Thank you sir, may I have another.
I, come on, yes sir, leg in the chair, OOH, EH EH. How does that feel Mr.
Gold Medal Winner? Ohhh...'I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United
States of America.' Lookit you guys...look atchya. Flyin' the colours -
ECW, WCW, ya make me so proud. You even got a Austin 3:16 shirt on. I
LOVE it. But enough about Stone Cold Steve Austin - everybody KNOWS how
great I am. I've led by example. I've shown you what I've done. Who now
wants to become as famous as Stone Cold Steve Austin - to become a
household name? Which one of you guys is gonna stand up - tonight? Hey,
I damn near crippled Kurt Angle last week - I got him softened up. Who
wants a piece o' Kurt Angle? Is it - who wants...who wants a piece of
Kurt Angle - you wanna be the next famous guy? Guys...are you gonna
follow my lead? I got the guy softened up! This is an opportunity!
There's some... Step up, RVD! Yeah! YEAH! You get a chance to make a
name for yourself - the King of Extreme - the King of Hardcore - tonight,
yeah, tonight against the Gold Medal Winner, you get a chance to whip that
man's ass! Thank you very much. RVD gets the shot. Lookit that. RVD -
lookit that, you make me proud, you make me proud. Last Thursday, I gave
a speech, I poured my heart, I poured my soul out to the future of our
industry...some o' you guys responded. Some o' you guys responded very
well. Thank you very much. I'd like to talk to DDP and Kanyon. Thank
you, a round of applause for the NEW World Wrestling Federation tag team
champs...DDP...and who better than Kanyon. Thank you, guys. Test, where
are ya - stand up, ya big tall sonuvabitch. Hey! Test wasn't even here
last week, but he was so inspired by the words of Stone Cold Steve Austin,
that just take a look at the newest member of the Alliance, I give you
Test. Thank you very much, Test. Where the hell's Rhyno? Rhyno?
That's RIGHT. Ya mean little (beep). Lookit the man that gored Y2J,
Chris Jericho straight to the depths of Hell. Take a look at a man who
took advantage of a situation. But all good things must come to an end.
There were certain individuals... ["Y2J!"] There were certain individuals
who didn't respond accordingly to Stone Cold Steve Austin's words of
wisdom, and it's because of this, it's because of this, because there has
been a lack on some people to take the initiative that live on SmackDown!
this Thursday night, I will be having the first ever Stone Cold Steve
Austin Invitational, right here in the middle of this very ring - to teach
the basics that some of you are lacking - to teach the fundamentals that
some of you people are lacking - and speaking of lacking, I would like to
call attention to Tazz...c'mon up, Tazz. I would like to call attention
to Raven. I'd like to call attention to one Hugh Morrus. Where's Hugh
Morrus? Come on in the ring, you guys get extra special attention. On,
ah, before I get on with these three guys, I know you got the Austin 3:16
shirt on, but you ain't even had a stupid match yet! I seen you in the
back, carryin' guys' water and coffee. 'Can I get you a water? Can I get
you a coffee? Can I get you a protein bar?' Can I get you to grow a damn
backbone and be somebody?" Dreamer hangs his head in shame. Thanks for
coming out tonight, Tommy! "Lookityou guys, get over here. Wipe that
look off your face. Look at me. Who whipped your ass last Thursday?"
"I was in a--" "I didn't ask you to explain something, I said, 'who
whipped your ass last Thursday?'" "Y2J." "That's right! Heh - look
atcha. 'Y2J?' Lookatchya! You're 275 pounds - your name is Hugh Morrus.
What? Your name is...Hugh Morrus. What? Is that funny? Is that
humourous? Are you here to make me laugh? What? You're PATHETIC! LOOK
AT ME! You're pathetic! Y2J whipped your ass. I'm ashamed of ya. Step
back." Austin moves on. "Who whipped your ass...last week?" "Saturn."
"Hehehe - okay. Here's a guy...who carries around a mop. It's - he
carries a mop. What? As far as I'm concerned, you shoulda mopped the
damn ring with that lunatic. He's got a sexual relationship with a stick,
with a damn...mop on the end of it, and he whipped your ass? Am I
correct? If I'm lying, you tell me I'm lying." "You're - you're
correct." "I'm what?" "You're correct." "That's right, I am correct.
WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT RAVEN? QUOTE THE RAVEN NEVERMORE. You want me
to give ya a little speech? Do you want me too? You suck! Quote Stone
Cold nevermore. You make me sick." Austin turns to the last man in the
ring. "...which brings me to you. At least these guys went down
fighting. At least these guys tried. At least these guys had the
intestinal fortitude to FIGHT. But what did you do, Tazz?" Austin is
fixing Tazz' collar in loving fashion. "Master of the suplex - what did
you do? Huh what what what what did you do, Tazz? The Human Suplex
Machine - you came from ECW. You know what, I could sit and chastise you
here all night long, but a picture's worth a thousand words, so let's -
let's see exactly what you did. There ya are, right there in the circle
with your stupid orange shirt on - you got a headset on, your little
glasses - that's the boss - that's the guy who signs your paycheques,
THERE - BOOOOOOM! That man, part of the Alliance, just got - well he just
got the smack laid down to him right there on the announce table. What?
You're an announcer. What? Did you say something? Did you say
somethin'? No you didn't say nothin' because you CAN'T say nothin'."
Crowd has given up on this segment and is chanting "Rock E." "You're
pathetic. You always talkin' about being such a badass, about - 'HE
WAS...JUSTANOTHAVICTIM!' You let Shane McMahon just get crashed through a
damn table and didn't lift one finger. Does that make you feel good,
tough guy? Redhook, New Jersey, New York, wherever the hell you're from,
does that make you feel good?" Austin removes his belt. "Tazz...we're
gonna have a little come to Jesus meeting here...you've got to understand
the position that you've put me in. These guys, these men, these
superstars and future superstars that hope to be as famous as Stone Cold
Steve Austin look up to me. What? I said they look up to me. So you'll
understand that I have to whip you to make an example for these men.
Take that stupid little 13 shirt off and take it like a man." Tazz stands
fast. "Lemme talk a little slower so you understand me: TAKE - THAT -
SHIRT - OFF SO I can whip...your ass." Austin belts him across the
shoulder. Tazz steps back, feeling the sting. Crowd: "Ooh!" Tazz walks
back to his previous position. "I think you hear me now, don'cha?"
Austin casually swings the belt, punctuating his words.
"Taketheshirtoff. Takeyourshirtoff. Take the SHIRT off. I'm your
*leader* - take the..." Tazz is getting a little more perturbed, and
thinking about stepping closer to Austin... "All right, you're gonna whip
Stone Cold's ass?" A little shove from Austin. He goes to swing the belt
again...and Tazz catches his wrist. Austin tries to pull it back - but
Tazz holds on. So Austin kicks him in the gut. "Get that son of a
bitch!" Raven and Morrus lay in the beatdown. "Maul him! Palumbo,
O'Haire, where are ya? Get off of him, get off of him. Kick that
sumbitch's teeth down his throat!" They wait for Tazz to get up - then
double kick him. "AH! Bubba Ray, D-Von!" Crowd chants 3D - huh?
"Teach that man some respect - for Stone Cold, for the Alliance! Bring it
on!" Scoop...and a slam, What Are You Doing, testify dance. "That's
RIGHT. RHYNOOOOO! Gore that sumbitch straight to Hell!" Rhyno waits for
Tazz to get up - and spears him. "Bubba, turn that sumbitch down, turn
him over, hold him down." Palumbo and O'Haire grab the legs while the
Dudleyz grab the arms. Austin swings the belt, again punctuating his
words with whips. "Ahhh - you gonna LEARN aBOUT reSPECT from STONE - COLD
- STEVE - AUSTIN - AND - THE - ALLIANCE - YOU - SON - OF - A - -" Austin
lets the crowd finish it as he whips him a few more times. Play his
music! They leave Tazz in the ring as they get set to leave...and we
raise a glass, having kissed another 21 minutes goodbye.
Kane prepares some Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroni - but - but he's WEARING A
MASK! HE CAN'T EAT IT!
Hey, in Austin's world, there's NO Jakked and Heat, I guess.
Moments Ago, Three Paragraphs Ago - once is never enough
In the locker room, Christian catches up to "Edge, dude, you ready?
We're just about to go out there against LANCE STORM and Justin Credible.
What a lame name, Justin Credible, I can think of a better name than that,
Justin.....I can't come up with one now, but I'm sure there's a better
one." "Well, I was actually wondering...are you gonna make it down to the
ring for the match this week?" "Ah, man, are you still on that kick? I
told you, old Senorita Trophy had a big scratch right here over your name,
and there was only one place open that I could get it buffed out, and I
did it for YOU, man. I'm soorry you got hit with the Conchairto, but I'll
be there, don't worry!" "Well I'll tell you what...you keep the address
of that polishing store, because this Sunday, after I beat Lance Storm for
the intercontinental championship at SummerSlam, I'm gonna need it." "See,
that's the spirit, dude! Justin Stupidhead - ha, I still got it!"
TAJIRI (with Commissioner Regal - and Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!)
v. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALBERT (with X-Pac - hey, you ain't gotta look at him
like that - I said, you ain't gotta look at him like that) - Albert shoves
him down. Tajiri ducks a clothesline, kick, kick, Albert with a right and
Tajiri goes down. Tajiri put in the corner, but gets a foot up to stop
Albert's charge. Tajiri in...Albert presses and drops. Off the ropes
with a yaaaaaah splash - for 2. Going for...I dunno, something
Argentinian but Tajiri wriggles free and lands on his feet after going
down the back - back kick to the back of the leg - repeated side kicks
with opposite legs - off the ropes but Albert just knocks him down. I
believe this is a size mismatch. Head to the yaaaaah buckle. Yaaah
right. Into the opposite right - Tajiri is open and over on the
yaaavalanche attempt, hooking the arms with his legs and going for the
Tarantula, but X-Pac is over again to grab him and prevent it - actually
pulling him outside, but Regal comes over and inserts himself against
X-Pac. Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda is outside to get Regal away from the
action - X-Pac tries a running Kwang kick, but Tajiri ducks - then lets
loose with the GREEN MIST on X-Pac! Tajiri back in the ring - Albert
catches the kick - double choke...Regal is in with a clip! (Chioda now
very interested in watching X-Pac instead of the ring) - Tajiri is sitting
on his chest and looking for the pin - Chioda back over - 1, 2, kicked out
with authority...and Tajiri collides with the rope. Tajiri tries to
recover, sitting on the top buckle - Albert over with ANOTHER double choke
- now Tajiri lets loose with some RED MIST - missile dropkick puts him
down, winding up for the KICK - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! (2:27) Oh, by
the way, Tajiri and X-Pac go title for title at SummerSlam.
Backstage we go to the oilcan 'n' cyclone fence set, where MICHAEL
KING COLE stands. "Moments ago, Rob van Dam challenged Kurt Angle to a
hardcore championship match here tonight on RAW. The question is, what is
the condition of Kurt Angle's ankle following the vicious attack by Sto--
Kurt! A couple of questions. First off, what IS the condition of your
ankle following that brutal attack by Austin on SmackDown! and secondly,
will you accept Rob van Dam's challenge for a hardcore championship match
here tonight?" "Michael, I'm not gonna stand here and cry about it, but
yeah, Stone Cold hurt my ankle pretty bad...and yeah, it is a little sore.
But you see these babies? You know what these are?" "Gold?" "That's
right, gold. And I won these beauts in a lot worse condition than I am
right now. And never in my life did I EVER back down to a challenge...and
I'm not about to start right now. So yes, I DO accept a hardcore match
against RVD tonight. And furthermore, Stone Cold Steve AHHHHH" At this
point, Hugh Morrus surprises Angle with a beatdown...that is, until Angle
reverses fortunes - man, this cameraman is making me DIZZY with all the
bobbin' and weavin' here - Morrus run into the klangy pipes - then Angle
clamps on the anklelock. Morrus taps out (like that'll help) and finally
the refs and Slaughter convene to get the fracas broken up.
How come that guy's playing "Flashdance...What a Feeling" to that runner
now instead of "Eye of the Tiger?" Say, that reminds me - have I told you
about Irene Cara trying to SUE me?
Kane's back for seconds - but he STILL CAN'T EAT! Where does all the Big
Beefaroni GO?
And now for the Hardcore Smack of the Night...brought to you by Corn
Nuts! From SmackDown!, Storm and van Dam fashion a Conchairto on Edge
LANCE STORM & JUSTIN CREDIBLE v. KING
EDGE & CHRISTIAN (with the trophy) - Christian starts with Storm -
lockup, knee by Christian, right, into the ropes, no Storm reverses and
pulls into a short clothesline, which is ducked - Christian with another
right to put him down. Right. Right for Credible, hot shot for Storm,
off the ropes with a shoulderblock for 1. Storm to the face, into the
unfriendly corner, Christian with a shoulder to stop the charge, back
elbow for Credible on the apron, right for Storm, back elbow for Credible,
Christian ducks a Storm swing, brings him up (blind tag), and then down in
an atomic drop. Elbow puts Storm down, but Credible sails in with the
blind DDT. Head to the buckle, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick,
lifts him out with a powerbomb - 1, 2, no. Tag to Storm, held open for
the kick, elbow, elbow, Christian firing back, right, knee by Storm, into
the ropes is reversed, head down, Storm kicks - Storm off the ropes but
Christian lands a Viscera kick - both men are down and trying to get to
the corner - hey it's been a minute and a half so it must be a HOT TAG!
Edge is in for the first time...running forearm, clothesline, clothesline
for Credible, Viscera for Storm, Credible with a gutshot. Into the ropes,
reversed, Credible collides with Christian on the apron, who falls to the
floor clutching his knee. Edge wants the DDT, but Storm clotheslines Edge
to break it up - into the ropes, double clothesline ducked, Edge with a
double clothesline. Edge reaches for the tag...only to find nobody there.
Storm with the surprise superkick - leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Tag to
Credible. Storm holds Edge - and you can guess the rest. Storm eats a
superkick, Credible gets a gutshot and Buzzkill (or, as Ross says, "What a
DDT!") and secures the 1, 2, 3. (2:31) There will be no celebration,
however, as Storm wakes up and clips Edge's left knee...then applies the
half crab. Edge taps (like that'll help), but referee Nick Patrick is
outside the ring and not paying attention to these shenanigans - a fact
that may have been something for our commentators to play up if only
they'd cared about zany, wacky things like emphasizing plot points as they
happen. Christian is finally in with a chair and everybody
scatters. Play Storm's music! Here's a replay.
In the Room of Fun, Mr. & Mrs. Austin pep up van Dam, who seems confident
enough on his own. There's a knock at the door - it's Shawn Stasiak.
"Mr. Austin! Listen, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just gotta tell you
how excited, how inspired I am with not only you being the leader of the
Alliance, but your speeches, they're phenomenal! I mean they've got me
so...pumped up, I don't know what to do!" "You pumped up?" "Yeah, man!"
"You don't know what to do? What's your name?" "Umm...Shawn Stasiak."
"Oh you're the Stasiak kid, you're the kid I'm takin' under my wing."
"That's right." "That's right! I did a little checkup on you." "Oh
yeah?" "Wasn't your dad a former World Wrestling Federation champ a long
time ago?" "That he was." "What are you gonna do about it? You just
gonna be the son of a former WWF champ? Are you gonna be content to say
that? Are you gonna go out there and make a damn name for yourself?"
"Absolutely!" "I'm firin' ya up - I inspire ya - what - look at me! What
are you gonna do about it, Shawn?" "I'm gonna do something tonight that
you'll never forget." "What?" "I'm going to do something tonight that
you'll NEVER forget."
SummerSlam promo - Lies - lies - lies - lies - books - books - books -
books - burn - burn - burn - burn - FIRE - FIRE - FIRE - WOW -
Angle, Austin, Booker, and Rock are highlighted
So this movie "O" - is that like the sequel to "Save the Last Dance?" Or
do I wanna even know? (Nope)
SmackDown! is LIVE! This Thursday!
The "1st Austin Invitational," whatever it is, will take place
Check out WWF New York
As well as all the fans inside
Kanyon tells Palumbo & O'Haire it's all about the gold, and they need to
take their titles back tonight. Page says it's time to make an
impact...just like he and Kanyon have. He knows what Undertaker & Kane
are capable of, and it's time to show what the Alliance is made of. Or
something.
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle meets with the Commissioner. Regal suggests that
maybe he'd be better off taking the night off following Morrus' sneak
attack - nobody'd think any less of him if he blew off van Dam's
challenge. "You know, Commissioner, I respect your concern, but there's
one thing that you don't understand - that you can't quite possibly
understand - I'm an American! And Americans don't back down from ANY
challenge - no offense. I mean, let me tell you a little story about
Benjamin Franklin. Now Ben wasn't in the best of shape, but--" Angle
hears a shout and takes a step back...avoiding a charging Stasiak, who
collides with the ubiquitous suit of armour and collapses on the floor.
Angle stands over Stasiak as Regal wishes him luck against van Dam.
"Theme from a Lowering Cage" plays...
NEXT: the cage match!
Moments Ago, umm, we just SAW this segment mere SECONDS ago - oh well,
call it an early exit before the ad break
It's the WWF LIVE! Thursday is SmackDown! from Salt Lake, Friday is
Vegas, Saturday in Fresno, Sunday is SummerSlam in (not quite) sold out
San Jose, and Monday is RAW in Sacto!
Earlier Tonight, Stasiak promised Austin he'd do something tonight that
he'd never forget
Moments Ago, three paragraphs ago - check that, six paragraphs ago -
yikes, we REALLY needed to see it replayed on two separate occasions,
didn't we?
CHUCK PALUMBO & SEAN O'HAIRE (with RAW is WAR
is brought to you by Castrol motor oily, Lugz, and the JVC Giga-Tube) v.
FUN BROTHERS (with Sara) within the confines of the STEEL cage for the WCW
tag team championship - Palumbo & O'Haire try to get the drop on Taker as
he enters, simultaneously blocking Kane from getting through the door.
He tries to climb the wall...and O'Haire dropkicks him off. Taker coming
back against Palumbo as Kane slams the door on O'Haire. Chokeslam for
O'Haire. Forearm in the back for Palumbo. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE & KANYON
have appeared at the top of the stage - oh good, I was thinking how much
we NEEDED a run-in. Taker & Kane just mauling Palumbo. O'Haire is
climbing out but Kane is over to meet him - Taker rams Palumbo into the
cyclone fencing. Kane shoves O'Haire off the ropes but the camera is
watching Taker, alas. Palumbo has bladed? Those be some mean soupbones,
ash suppose. Taker with the coleslaw grate on Palumbo's forehead.
Another Kane chokeslam for O'Haire. Page & Kanyon are slowly making their
way down the ramp. Palumbo facefirst into the wall. Chef Boyardee brings
the Double Feature of the chokeslam. Taker with soupbone after soupbone.
Kane holding him back (as if it were needed). Kane with a right as well.
Palumbo pulling himself up...Kane with another right. Time now for the
Last Ride. Page is now running for Sara, and the chase is on - Kanyon
heads her off at the pass - Sara decides to climb the cage wall. Sitting
up top...Page & Kanyon starting up the wall...Taker runs O'Haire into the
wall, knocking them to the floor. Let's get the double pin out of the way
(4:17) and Taker climbs up to sit on the cage with his wife. Menacing
pointing all around.
Stephanie and Rhyno are WALKING! Stephanie is saying "does this dress
make my..." Nah, I think we can do without the breast jokes in at least
ONE recap...
SummerSlam IS this Sunday!
STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT & RHYNO THE MAN BEAST (with the RAW credits,
Transmitido En Espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) are out to "My Time" -
huh. Stephanie is wearing a flower patten in camoflauge colours - which
is strange, but camoflauge is usually used to make things DISAPPEAR, if
you catch my drift. "I FEEL GOOD!" I knew that she would? "You know
what, actually I don't feel good, I feel GREAT!" My ears hurt. "After
the way you, Rhyno, gored Chris Jericho right through the video wall and
destroyed the SmackDown! set last Thursday night. You know, I must have
watched the footage like a million times this weekend but I can't get
enough of it. Let's go to the footage one more time - WHAM! OOH! OW!
Rhyno. That is just absolutely fantastic. But you know, Rhyno....
["Y2J!"] you know, Rhyno, you must have knocked one of Y2J's screws loose,
because Jericho actually accepted your challenge at SummerSlam. I mean,
at SummerSlam, it's gonna be Chris Jericho versus RHYNO. Haha - does Y2J
even realise that every time he's faced you (Rhyno) he's been beaten?
Not only have you (Rhyno) beat Jericho, you've DESTROYED Jericho! You've
ripped Jericho apart! And I am so confident that you will get the job
done at SummerSlam that I would like to personally accompany you to
ringside to watch you finish off Jericho, once and for all." "Stephanie -
it would be an honour." "Well let's get a preview of SummerSlam - let's
watch that gore ONE MORE TIME!" The Y2J countdown takes over the
EntertainmentTron instead - CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO it out for a
counterpoint. This is gonna be another one of those really long interview
segments, isn't it. "Y2J!" "You know, I am still feeling the effects
from the vicious gore last week, and you're right...I have never beaten
Rhyno. BUT, at SummerSlam, I'm gonna take care of that smelly, greasy,
nasty animal...(wait for it)...and I'm gonna get you too, Rhyno! You
don't agree, Stephanie, well you did say that Rhyno was going to 'get the
job done,' but standing in that ring right now, I'd say YOU'RE the expert
when it comes to getting the job done. As a matter of fact, I have a
little bit of video to show of my own. Let's take a look at a still of
our little Stephanie from just last year." And there it is. Jericho
frames the shot against Stephanie in the ring. "All right, all right.
And now, let's take a look at our not-so-little Stephanie from just last
week." We take a split-screen with BEFORE and AFTER helpfully labelling
the sides to let us know we're supposed to be staring at her rack, then
comparing and contrasting. A lot of people will look at this and say TOLD
YOU TOLD YOU but damn, *that's what they WANT you to think.* Come on.
It's a *wardrobe* thing, not a *surgery* thing. Anyway, that aside isn't
gonna match the storyline, so I should just stop now. "Y2J!" Jericho
continues: "It seems like our little billionaire princess sure has grown
over the last year...well, in two specific places at least - talk about
foreign objects - you wanna say let the bodies hit the floor? I would say
let the BOOBIES hit the floor." OH MAN HA HA HA OH MAN HE SAID BOOBIES
BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES HO HO HO Stephanie raises her arms to cover her
chest - oh for the love of "I don't know what you're talking about,
Jericho. You must have some kind of imagination!" "Well, maybe, maybe I
do. Maybe you should allow me to take you out to dinner and we can
discuss this. I hear there's a Hooters just down the road from this
place!" Rhyno takes the mic from Stephanie as a "Hooters" chant breaks
out. "That's enough! You show this woman some respect! And if you
don't, then I suggest you come down to this ring, so I can BEAT some into
you!" At THIS point, we take the unlikely turn of NAPPY T's music
starting up...and the Champ walks right by Jericho, into the ring.
Hopefully he's out to put a stop to all this crappy sports entertainment
I'm being forced to endure...but I doubt it. Crowd chants "Rock E."
Stephanie, I know what it's like to be disrespected, believe me. But it
pains me to sit back there and listen to this punk-ass sucka dissin' you
like that! You see, Jericho, this woman right here is ALL NATURALE. You
see, Jericho...you see, Jericho...DAMN you lookin' fine, Stephanie! You
been takin' your vitamins, girl? You see, Jericho, since you seem to be
the expert on women with your long, pretty blonde hair... I hear there's
an opening for a new Backstreet Boy - maybe you oughta check it out."
"Ha ha ha! Oh ho! Oh boy was that ever a good one - eh. Well I hear
there's an opening on the new A Team Reunion Special. Maybe you
should....maybe you should check THAT out, Mr. T!" Heyman steps all over
Booker's new catchphrase - what an asshole. "You didn't say that. Tell
me he did not just say that." "I just said Mr. T." "See, Rhyno, I can't
wait to SummerSlam, because after you beat that pretty boy, I face...the
Rock. And I'm gonna take HIS punk ass STRAIGHT TO SCHOOL." IF YA SMELLLL
is out and *I* smell a tag team main event - I hope we get there quick,
we've almost burned an entire quarter on this. DAMN WHERE'S THE ROCK'S
HAIR oh wait he's gonna talk....no, on second thought, he's gonna drag
this out a bit MORE. "You just said that you were gonna take the Rock
straight to school. School. Well the Rock can just imagine what
YOU were like in high school. The oldest 27-year-old senior the world has
ever seen! Standing out in front of your house with yo momma, and that
short little yellow bus pulling up in front...meep meep. Meep meep."
That's it, I'm outta here. "Meep meep." Everything from here on in is
keyed in under protest. "You just walk in on the bus, goin' to class,
gettin' inside the classroom, teacher up on the blackboard 'okay class,
what is two...plus two? Do you know, Booker?' 'Oh eh, I know the answer
to that - two plus two - Thomas Jefferson, sucka!' Obviously, Booker T,
you're a highly intelligent man (makes a face), but not as intelligent as
your boss, Shane McMahon. He obviously had more intelligence than you
because he didn't want to come out here tonight after what the Rock did to
him at SmackDown! ROCK BOTTOM, RIGHT THROUGH THE TABLE! But the
Rock...guesses that old saying is true: Booker T, hair done by Whoopi,
Shane McMahon, still a (beep)." Jericho's still here? "Wait a second,
wait a second, Rock - that was a good one, but you're forgetting one half
of the family, I mean look what's standing in the ring right now...you've
got a man beast, and a hosebeast! I mean, we're DEALING with the GORE and
the WHOR--" Stephanie: "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" "Oh the Rock understands
this one, Chris, this is a little...rhyming contest between you and the
Rock! Well the Rock has got one better than that - oh yeah, the Rock has
gone one better than that. Here's a little rhyme, is: 'Booker T and
Shane, the punk-ass sucka and the silver spoon (beep)'" "THAT'S ENOUGH!
THAT'S ENOUGH! ROCK! JERICHO! If you want Booker T and Rhyno so bad -
Booker, wait - if they want you two so bad, why wait 'til SummerSlam?
Why don't you (Rock) team with Y2J, and face Booker T and Rhyno in a tag
team match In This Very Ring tonight?" "You know, I think that's just
what Y2J and the Rock wanted...thank you, Stephanie! You're the breast -
I mean, best!" "Oh yeah, it's gonna be the Rock, Y2J, 'gainst Booker T
and Rhyno in front of millions of people LIVE RAW is WAR. You see, the
Rock and Chris Jericho, we're gonna take you two on a little geography
lesson - yeah, we're gonna go to France, we're gonna go to China, we're
gonna go to Russia, but don't worry, we get in trouble, we can use
Stephanie McMahon's breasts as a flotation device, BUT....it doesn't
matter where we go, around the world once, some places twice, the fact
remains, we will end up right back here, whoopin' your candyasses all over
Chicaaaaaaaaago....if ya smellllllalalalalalooow what the Rock is
cookin'!"
TONIGHT: Kurt Angle vs. Rob van Dam in a hardcore title match!
Edge & Christian shill Stacker 2
SummerSlam ad in the local slot suggests we could still hit up
TicketMaster if we wanted to see SummerSlam live at the Compaq Center -
so, come on. "Sold out" is A LIE
Here's a look at the Allstate Arena marquee - it too says "SOLD OUT" but
now I just can't *believe* anymore
Another knock at Austin's door - it's Helms, who takes a seat, and a
carrot. "I guess go ahead and have a carrot...who are you?" "Hurricane.
Hurricane Helms." "Ha ha ha, that's right, I got my eye on you. You're
gonna be a hell of a superstar here, man." "Thank you." (big pause) "What
are you doing?" "Well, I saw that inspirational speech you gave out
there, I'm ready to do something." "That's cool. (big pause) What's -
what's that?" "That's a tattoo." "I know it's a tattoo, what the hell is
it?" "Oh, it's...the Green Lantern." "What?" Debra breaks up laughing.
"Oh my God - I cannot believe he's got a picture of the Green Lantern on
his arm..." Steve starts to laugh too, then stops. "What's a green
lantern?" "Superhero." "A what?" "Superhero. He beat Superman one time
- punched him right, BAM, one punch, that's all it took." "Mmmm. (big
pause) Your name's Hurrican Helms--" "Mmm hmmm" "and you got a tattoo
of a Green Lantern who's a superhero." "Yeah." Austin strokes his beard.
"Reminds me of Kurt Angle. He thinks he's a superhero." "He ain't no
Green Lantern." "He couldn't beat the Green Lantern." "Noooo" "He's got
a couple gold medals. What do you think about that?" "He can't beat the
Green Lantern, I don't think." Debra: "He's the Green Lantern." Austin
furrows his brow. "Does the Green Lantern fly?" "Mmm hmm." "He flies."
"Yes, all over the place." "Can you fly?" "I try." Pause. "I'm talkin'
'bout tonight, you can't fly out there and make a name for yourself, can
you?" "Yeah!" "You know about hurricanes? We have a lot of hurricanes
in Texas, the damn hurricane, it come through there, blowin' wind, rain
everywhere, it cause mass destruction - can you go out there tonight, act
like a damn hurricane and cause mass destruction?" "Yes!" "Can you do
that?" "That's what I'll do!" "Can you make some a name for yourself?"
"Tonight!" "Then take your little green lantern tattoo out there and
raise some hell, Hurricane!" "Okay." He takes another stab at the veggie
platter on his way out. "Help yourself to a tomato!" Debra laughs again.
"I'm sorry I made you laugh at the Green Lantern" Oh my God...STARRING
STEVE AUSTIN AS "COACH" KEVIN NASH
TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with Let Us Take You Back to
SmackDown!) v. SPIKE DAMN DUDLEY (with Molly Holly) - Spike ducks
the clothesline, elbow, elbow, whip is reversed into a knee in the gut by
Test, going for the Meltdown but Spike goes down the back, gutshot, going
for the Dudley 'dog but Test just throws him over the top rope to the
floor instead. I wonder why nobody ever figured that out in ECW. Test
outside - right, right, right, referee "Blind" Teddy Long trying to get
the action back in as we watch the Chef Boyardee Double Feature - Test
looks Molly back to a safe distance - stomp, back into the ringpost,
again, press - through the ropes back into the ring. Test going up
top...but the Savage elbow MISSES! Spike throws the elbow, elbow, Test
blocks, Spike ducks, dropkicks the knee, seated dropkick, right, into the
corner is reversed, but Spike gets the boot up - second rope - 'rana!
But he recovers quickly enough to hit the gutshot - going for the
powerbomb - you can't powerbomb Spike - gutshot, going for the 'dog AGAIN
but Test shakes off THAT attempt - Spike ducks a clothesline, but comes
off the ropes into the Wotsitolla Boot. 1, 2, 3. (1:49) Test ain't done
- he WANTS that powerbomb, dammit, and he's gonna GIVE it out! He
wants to deliver ANOTHER one, but Molly comes in - and slaps him one.
Test with a gutshot for HER...but before he can powerbomb Molly, the APA
run out...then THOSE DAMN DUDLEYZ run out, but the APA get the better of
them - Bubba Ray eats the big boot, while D-Von gets the spinebuster.
Play their music! Hey, there's a six-man at SummerSlam - try to figure
out the teams (hint: everybody in this segment) while we take this ad
break
LIVE! SmackDown! LIVE! Thursday! LIVE!
1st Austin Invitational! LIVE! This Thursday! UPN! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE!
LIVE! LIVE! LIVE!
Matt Hardy & Lita catch up to Kurt Angle, who is enjoying pre-match
cookies and milk - they want to make sure he's okay to go tonight,
considering he's got Austin Sunday and he needs to bring the Championship
home to the WWF and all. Angle reminds Hardy that he was with him
Thursday, so he knows the feeling (huh?) and promises to KILL Austin this
Sunday (but doesn't promise to come out of tonight the hardcore
champion....oh well, belts are always an afterthought anyway RIGHT?)
"And speaking of Austin...how 'bout these speeches he's giving to the
Alliance? I mean, talking to this Hurricane Helms kid, pumping him up
because he wears a Green Lantern tattoo on his shoulder - what a lame
superhero! The Green Lantern! I mean, Superman, Batman, Flash...umm,
Aquaman, a guy who talks to fish for a living is a better superhero than
that! Give me a break!" Helms enters the picture. "Excuse me, excuse
me...there's a hurricane coming through. Excuse me, excuse me. Talking
about the Green Lantern? That's untrue - that's DAMN untrue. What are
you drinking there, Kurt? A glass of milk?" He slaps it out of his
hand. "You spilled my milk." "Uh huh - whatchoo gon' do about it?" "He
spilled my milk." Angle takes Helms and slams him onto the buffet table,
then grabs the cooky tray and waffles him with it. "NOBODY spills my
milk! And by the way, Green Lantern? Comic book superhero is no match
for an Olympic Hero. OH it's true." Hrady grabs a cooky. "So who WAS
your favourite superhero?" Lita: "Wonder Woman...hello." "I should have
guessed."
Steve tells Debra he didn't deserve that (I think) - this is just to
establish they're still there
ROB VAN DAM (with Chef Boyardee presents
SummerSlam in six days and we're gonna keep saying it's sold out, dammit)
v. AD BREAK
NEXT: Hardcore championship match!
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: ROB VAN DAM v. KURT
ANGLE - van Dam meets him outside the ring and we're on...Angle
blocks, right, right, right, into the STEEL steps, head to the steps,
again, clothesline, cover - 2. van Dam's head hits the post. Into the
barricade. It's been all Angle - until the whip into the barricade is
reversed, and Angle goes over. The Austins watch their monitor. van Dam
drapes Angle over the barricade, kick to the head, right, right, climbs
the steps, spinning legdrop to the back of the neck - Angle back in on the
floor - van Dam covers...and gets 2. Angle rolled back in - van Dam
brings a chair in with him, then wedges it between the top and middle
ropes in the corner. van Dam back over to Angle - Angle with a dropkick,
and van Dam runs into the very chair he just set up! Angle hooks the leg
- 1, 2, kickout. Right hand from Angle, into the ropes, van Dam goes back
to back up and over and connects with a spin kick. Chef Boyardee Double
Feature of the head meeting the chair. Ross: "Perhaps the most popular
member of the Alliance..." Me: "...except for Austin, maybe?" van Dam
grabs the chair and runs into a dropkick to the chair to Angle's
face. Cover - 1, 2, shoulder up. van Dam with an elbow - into the
corner, elbow up by Angle - sitting on top but van Dam manages an overhead
kick (wow!) to the head. van Dam has the chair again - forward roll
(oops, left the chair behind) but right into a second rope clothesline
from Angle. "Woooooow!" DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Anglelock applied! Yeah,
you thought van Dam would tap - come on. Here come TOMMY DREAMER & RAVEN
& AWESOME MIKE AWESOME, who unfortunately attack black ninja style - Angle
punches Raven off the apron, punches Dreamer off the apron, belly-to-belly
suplexes Awesome...now from out of nowhere, JEFF HARDY shows up, runs the
barricade and clotheslines Raven - Angle ducks a spin kick - Olympic
Slam! Dreamer back in - HE gets an Anglelock - meanwhile, Jack Doan has
shown up as Jeff Hardy hits the swantonbomb on van Dam - 1, 2, 3! Charles
Robinson is a little taken aback. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new ROB
VAN DAM ACTUALLY JOBBED HOLY SHIT (3:26) Angle wants to know what's up -
no, he seems happy - well, Raven and Awesome try again to attack, but
Hardy and Angle shove them off. THERE'S the handshake. Play Angle's
music!
Austin reacts "That's pathetic. You have to lead by example, and show
these guys what I mean. Next Thursday on SmackDown!" oops cut away...
Moments Ago, two paragraphs ago. Dreamer sure looks FUNNY! in that
anklelock
Backstage, where Shawn Stasiak has found Debra. "Do you know what, I
think you SHOULD apologise." "You think so?" "Oh, absolutely." "I mean,
is he angry?" "Oh, Steve angry? Oh no. I mean, he's just invented maybe
like three new four-letter words, but Steve angry? Naaah, I mean you just
embarrassed the Alliance, I mean - you have nothing to worry about.
"Debra, is he in the bathroom?" "Oh yeah, he's on the bathroom - go on -
yeah, go on in there." Stasiak stands at the door. "Maybe I should
knock..." "Oh, go on in there." "Maybe I should just wait..." "GO on in
there." Suddenly, Austin smacks the door open, clobbering Stasiak out of
sight. "Steve!" "Let's get the hell outta here." "Did you realise what
you just did?" "I know what I just did, I didn't even flush the
commode." WEAK
RHYNO (with Stephanie Can't Act) and NAPPY T (with Shane Can't Dance) v.
AD BREAK - signs in crowd: "SUCKA T" - it may catch on yet
Wow! Rock's in his dressing room! No, wait, he's LEAVING - and so are we
SummerSlam promo - again - MUSCLE AND HATE - MUSCLE AND HATE - MUSCLE! -
MUSCLE! - MUSCLE! - MUSCLE!
RHYNO & NAPPY T (with Stephanie & Shane) v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO and 10
cc OF ROGAINE, STAT - Jericho and Rhyno are going to start - Jericho
ducks, right, right, kick, right, right, knee, forearm, forearm, forearm,
forearm, forearm, knee, knee, knee, chop, into the ropes, reversed, duck,
duck, crossbody, right, right, right, right, right, chop, chop, chop, into
the opposite corner, reversed, boot up, second rope, missile dropkick,
cover, Booker T. breaks it up. Believe me, that minute was about as
exciting as it sounded. Still all Jericho - head to the buckle, tag to
the Rock - WOW I BET *NOW* IT'LL PICK UP - right, right, right, right,
right, into the corner, reversal, but Rock pops out with a
clothesline...then turns to Booker T and makes the international "just
bring it" sign. He shouldn't turn his back to Rhyno like that - spinning
him around, but Rock throws the right instead. Tag to Jericho - elbow,
chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, T with a shot in the back to stop
Jericho. Rhyno charges, but Jericho sidesteps and runs him into T, off
the ropes with the (hairpull) bulldog...but T lands an apron clothesline
to FINALLY turn it around. Overhand right by Rhyno, stomp, stomp, stomp,
stomp, tag. Booker T in - arm wringer, back heel kick, leg hooked,
2. Right, measuring the chop, into the ropes, reversed by Jericho,
flapjack. Both men down. Can Jericho make the tag? MAYBE. Rhyno tagged
- Rock tagged - right, right, right, right, into the ropes, belly-to-belly
throw, free shot for T as he comes in, poised to deliver Rock Bottom to
Rhyno...but T makes it back and clobbers Rock with a forearm in the back
of the head. Rock nips up (!) (but unfortunately referee "Blind" Earl
Hebner obstructs the camera's view) 'cause it's NO SALE time, baby -
right, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed,
and Rhyno lowers the bridge, sending Rock to the floor. Rhyno stomping
all over him - overhand rights - elbow in the back - head to the STEEP
steps, and Rock rolled back in. Rhyno covers - 1, 2, no. "Rock E!" T
wanted Rhyno to bring Rock to his boot, but Rhyno tagged his boot instead.
Yikes. T points to his boot, Rhyno points to Rock lying there in the
ring. T gives up and gets in the ring. Rock with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right off the
ropes...but T lands a Harlem side kick! He's on top - 1, 2, Jericho saves
(or Rock kicks out, maybe) - Chef Boyardee says "let's see that kick again
on the Double Feature!" T taking charge - snapmares him over - off the
ropes with the measured kneedrop - leg is hooked - 1, kickout. Rock
strikes back with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, off
the ropes - but T hits a gutshot, off the ropes with the axe kick, then
breakdancing back to his feet - 1, 2, Jericho flies off the top with a
double axehandle in the back to T! Tag to Rhyno - block, right, right,
right, right, into the ropes, reversed (Rock has GOT to stop trying the
whip - it NEVER works for him) but Rock comes off with a flying
clothesline! Both men are down - who will tag? Jericho really, REALLY
wants that tag. Crowd chants "Rock E" - or is it "Y2J?" HA HA HA just
kidding. Tag to Jericho!! Off the ropes with a flying jalapeno! Into
the ropes, Viscera kick. Springboard dropkick for T on the apron...except
he COMPLETELY misses the ropes and has to improvise a weak little lovetap
right hand, while crumpling onto the mat. Off the ropes with a swinging
neckbreaker on Rhyno - 1, 2, T makes the save...then throws a right hand
to Hebner to shut HIM up....which puts him through the ropes and to the
floor. Rock is quickly over - right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT
and T goes outside to land next to Hebner. Rock out after him - Rhyno
reverses a whip, Jericho lands a back elbow - going for the Lionsault, but
Stephanie PASTES him in the face with a chair before he can miss another
rope springboard, saving him no end of embarrassment, I'm sure. Rhyno
covers as NICK PATRICK sprints out - 1, 2, Rock pulls him out! HE gets a
right hand! Rock back in - right, into the ropes, spinebuster...People's
Elbow coming up unless Booker can do something about it - yep, he ankles
him out of the ring - into the commentary table - right, head to the
tabletop, again....back in the ring, Jericho has the double leg
takedown...and the Walls of Jericho! Rhyno is tapping but there's no ref
to see it! MIKE CHIODA sprints out, only to get headed off at the base of
the ramp by a big tackle from Shane! Stephanie in the ring - grabbing
Jericho by the hair to break up the Walls of Jericho - swing is caught -
Jericho with a double leg takedown and Stephanie's dress almost goes over
her head - Stephanie frantically trying to keep her dress around her while
also attempting to sell fighting off a Walls of Jericho
attempt...mercifully for her, Rhyno is up from behind with an uppernut to
Jericho and a schoolboy as CHARLES ROBINSON appears on the scene - 1, 2,
3...."Rhyno beat Jericho again." (8:48) Rhyno with the GORE! GORE! GORE!
to put an exclam on the end of the sentence. Outside, Rock has apparently
put T into the steps, but we missed it. Rock back in - right for Rhyno,
right, right, into the ropes, reversed, Rock stops and pulls Rhyno back
into an arm wringer, gutshot, DDT! Shane in with a right hand that has
absolutely NO effect save to make Rock angrier - NO SALE. Right, right,
right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and Shane goes out to the floor.
Robinson makes a big show of protesting all these post-match hijinks - so
HE gets Rock Bottom! Rock stands poised ready for Rhyno to get up - ROCK
BOTTOM! Who's next? Shane's back in...but before he can do it, Booker T
forearms him in the back of the head...BOOKER T WITH THE ROCK BOTTOM!!!
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp...Shane has a STEEL chair. "Get
the hell up!" Field goal kick. "Get up!" Crowd chants "Rock E!" but not
tonight...T stands ready, waiting....BOOKER T WITH THE ROCK BOTTOM ON THE
CHAIR!!!!!!!! BOOKER T! BOOKER T! BOOKER T! PLAY HIS MUSIC! BOOKER
T! BOOKER T! BOOKER T! He goes ahead does *another* breakdance to make
sure we all know who he is. HE IS BOOKER T! Jericho and Rock are left
amongst the ruins of the referees in and around the ring - Booker,
Rhyno, Shane, and Stephanie stand at the top of the stage in triumph - and
all Rock can do is grimace. Commentators completely fail to mention that
SmackDown! is live - or mention SmackDown! at all, for that matter. Oh
well....that kinda seems how it's been going, lately...