KINGS UPDATE: We beat the Lakers - and WITHOUT CWebb! BONG ARE YOU
SCARED THEY'RE HERE
TONIGHT: Not only do they not give us a hint of what matches we might have
tonight, they DON'T even tell us who won the main event last night! Like
the ratings will be better if they manage to keep it a *surprise* to the
teeny tiny percentage that don't already know....wait, who won again?
Well, hell, we'll find out in thirteen minutes!!
TNG: "Pen Pals" - wanna see Nikki Cox as jailbait with a lot of ALIEN
makeup? Man, this is the episode for you! Otherwise, it pretty much
blows...except for the scene where they all GRAPPLE with HEAVY ISSUES
which is pretty cool (and I *think* the only time they had a "meeting" in
the captain's rumpus room, complete with snax)
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 12.85 (+ .56, last year: 15 3/4, two years ago: 16 1/2)
TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
PYRO and No time to waste! Coming atcha LIVE from the Pond in Anaheim, CA
10.12.1 on the National Network (and the Sports Network), this is the WWF
- and in the WWF, RAW is.......no, that's it. Sorry! This show is
transmitido en espanol SAP and of course there's some folks in WWF New
THE MAN kicks it off, walking that aisle with two belts in hand, and maybe
they'll FINALLY reveal who won last night? "Last night, San Diego,
California, at Ven gea nce, I promised the world that I would present the
Undisputed WWF Championship belt tonight to the winner. So without
further ado, let me introduce to you, MR.
CHRIS JERICHO." The crowd boos through the countdown, boos at the
pyro, boos at the mere SIGHT of Jericho, boos during his concerted walk
down the aisle, boos when he poses on the apron before entering the
ring...man, I don't know about you, but I smell MONEY! Jericho TAKES THE
STICK from Flair - to boos. He stops short of speaking to stoke a "You
suck" chant. "THANK YOU - thank you so very, very much! On such an
historic evening like tonight, I don't know where to begin; I mean, I have
so many people to thank, I had to make a list so I wouldn't forget
anybody...I don't wanna forget anybody's names." "Rock E!" This looks
shorter than his list of holds. "Like I said, thank you so very much from
the bottom of my heart, FIRST OF ALL, nobody thought I had a chance to
become the Undisputed champion. NOBODY thought I had a chance in hell of
walking out of San Diego victorious, except for one person! And that
person always had the faith in me - that person always believed in me -
and that person knew that against all odds, I would come out on top, and
that person is...myself! So I would like to thank myself for being so
strong, so athletic, and so talented to be able to prove all of the
doubters and all of the people who didn't think I could do it wrong.
(glares at Flair) And then, I'd like to thank the two competitors who
gave an A1, first class effort last night. I'm talking, of course, about
my opponents, Therock, and Stone Cold Steve Austin. Let's face it, I mean
let's face it, let's think about it - The Rock, Stone Cold, two of the
biggest icons in the history of this business. THE two biggest stars in
the World Wrestling Federation today! And for me, to be able to beat the
both of them back to back in one night, singlehandedly within the course
of 45 minutes...well that was quite an honour. But don't feel bad, guys -
raise your chins up. Buck up, little troopers! You gave it your best
shot, but you were just beaten by the better man last night. And then I'd
like to thank all of you - the little people. All of the little people
here, all of the little people at home, because if it wasn't for you, I
wouldn't be standing here right now. If it wasn't for me realising that
entertaining you meant nothing....if it wasn't for me reaslising that your
opinions aren't worth a damn...that my career wouldn't be the skyrocketing
Super Nova that it is today. And then, I'd like to thank one of the
owners of this company - a man with true class, true style, and true
dignity...I'd like to thank Vince McMahon. Because, Vince, you gave me
the opportunity. You even came down to ringside to make sure that there
was no outside interference from anybody! You evened the odds to make
sure that the better man won and for that, I THANK YOU, VINCE! And last
but not least, I'd like to thank YOU, Ric Flair. I'd like to thank you
because you're a man of your word; you said you were gonna come out here
and present me with my championships last night and here you are. And I
know the reason why you wanted to do it. All throughout your career, your
illustrious career, when you were winning title after title after title
fourteentimeswoo! You always wanted to be near a larger than life,
superDUPERstar like Chris Jericho....you always wanted to be in the ring
with a TRUE living legend, and tonight, your dreams are comin' true, baby!
So now, Ric Flair, the Nature Boy, I bestow upon you the honour of
presenting me with my TWO Championship titles, which signify ME to be the
first, the only, and the TRUE Un-disputed CHAMPION." Jericho holds out
his arms - and Flair drapes one on each shoulder. "Rock E!" "Hey Champ!
Hey Champ! How does that feel? D'you feel like the World Champion? D'ya
feel like the best there is? GOOD! Because tonight, you're gonna defend
the title! Right here...in a fifteen foot steel cage - woooo!" We look
up - by golly, there it is! "How does that feel? Now you wanna know what
the real punchline is? It'll be against STONE COLD WOOOO! STEVE AUSTIN!
WOOOO! Try that on for size, champ! Woooo! Woooo!" Jericho looks up -
and gets mopey.
The Boot of the Week is brought to you by - wait for it - Lugz! From last
night's pay-per-view, Undertaker chokeslams Rob van Dam off the stage -
and takes the hardcore title
WWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP: AWESOMETAKER (on his beautiful Bourget Python
bike - with headlight on - and RAW is brought to you by Slim Jim, Xbox,
and Snickers Cruncher!) v. SPIKE DUDLEY - Taker has the belt strapped to
his handlebars - pretty cool. I expect this match to be a showcase.
Spike decides he'd better fill the ring - sign - garbage can - sign -
garbage can - kendo stick - STOP sign - each time, Taker swats them away
or catches them. I think he's starting to get annoyed. Spike with two
lids. Taker shakes his head. Spike gets on the bike and makes "vroom
vroom" motions - THIS gets the Dead Man's attention. As he leaves, Spike
goes in - here we go! Spike with a pescado - ohhh THERE'S NO FAIR CATCH
IN THE XFL but Taker has him - and that's Dudley's spine meeting the
ringpost. "Don't you know better than to touch another man's motorcycle?"
Into the ring. Soupbone! Scoop...and into the turnbuckle, into the Tree
of Woe. Running kick. Taker chases away referee "Blind" Jack Doan.
Whoa, Ross called it the Tree of Woe! Is Kevin Sullivan on his way? Is
his father whispering in Taker's ear? (Probably not.) Taker doesn't
notice Spike has the stick - stick up between the legs in the crotch!
Spike frees himself - stick to the knee! Overhead - no, Taker catches it,
and muscles Spike to the mat by his own grip. Taker throws the stick down
- Spike comes back with the lids...until Taker boots a lid into Spike's
face. "What the hell is this?" WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, WHACK. I think that
hurt Spike more than the lid. Taker moves to the can proper. Last Ride
coming up - Spike is dead weight, so instead, Taker puts him on his back
and rubs his forearm into Spike's nose. NOW we get that Last Ride onto
the garbage can. Is he done? 1, 2, 3! Yep. (2:37) Taker tells a fan
to meet him in the back. I think. Here's a replay of the powerbomb.
Wait, Taker ISN'T done? Got him by the neck - choke - CHOKESLAM over the
top to the floor!! BONG KEEP ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' ROLLIN' A second
angle on the powerbomb - and another look at the chokeslam. Is it just
me, or did Taker leave his belt behind before he drove away?
Vince McMahon is just NOW arriving, flanked on all sides by security,
barking dogs...and Booker T! Ric Flair catches up to him and meets with
some resistance until Vince calls them off. "Let him through - oh wait a
minute, it's my partner, geez, uh, Ric - how's your head? How's your jaw,
and before you answer that - I got it, Book, I got it - before you answer,
allow me to apologise for getting a little carried away at Ven gea nce
with you." "Don't worry about my jaw or my head - what's he doing here?"
"Well, this is BOOKER T!" "I know the name." "And Booker T is here as my
guest tonight, and, quite frankly, Book and I, we're just gonna - we're
gonna hang...up in my [oh man, say "crib" Vince, come on] personal suite
and watch you run the show, okay?" "Really?" "Yeah." "Well guess what
we got lined up for ya." "What?" "You're excited - world championship
match - Jericho - in the steel cage! - against Stone Cold Steve Austin!
How 'bout that?" "That's not what I had planned for Austin, and you damn
well know it." "Problem?" "Yeah. Well, you can't change my plans with
the Rock, pal, even you know that. You see, since the Rock and Trish were
such a great tag team combination - they defeated Kurt Angle and myself -
in my book, that makes them #1 Contenders, and that's why tonight, Rock
and Trish will square off against the Dudley Boyz. Heh heh heh...
whaddaya say, Ric?" "Sounds good." "Yeah, it does, doesn't it?" "Now
let's talk about you and me - remember that apology? A little while ago?
Don't worry about apologising to me, because very shortly I'll be
apologising to you." Vince regroups his security and they take off for
Oh no! Kane is so distraught over not winning the tag team titles that
he's back on the Beefaroni!
Vince and Booker enter their luxury suite - Vince displays the doins - and
the server. "What's your name, girl?" "Felicity." "What do they call
you for short?" "Felicity!" Vince opens the window to show off the
"little people." From outside, we take a look high up...then back to the
KURT ANGLE v. RIKASHMONEY - Kurt has new music! It's a lot like his old
music, which is to say the Patriot's music. Kurt points up to Vince - and
waves! Oh, he's got the mic as well. "Despite the travesty, the fluke
that took place last night of Your Olympic Hero ["What?"] becoming the
Undisputed champion, or should I say NOT becoming the Undisputed champion
["What?"] - shut up. ["What?"] People, I have requested this match here
tonight for one reason and one reason only. ["What?"] For that man, Mr.
Vince McMahon. What that man went through last week on SmackDown! is a
horror that should never be talked about or seen ever again. ["What?"] Let
me show you what I mean, roll the footage." Ha! Okay, Let Us Take You
Back to SmackDown! "Mr. McMahon is a man of CLASS - he does not deserve
THIS - to have his face nearly engulfed, nearly swallowed by this
stench-filled ANUS [he's been on Delphi?] - that's disgusting! Take a
look at it here in slow-motion! I'm sorry...that is gross. I mean, think
about it, the stench, the terrible, terrible stench - Mr. McMahon - I
know, Vince, if I were you, I'd be upset too. ["What?"] But don't you
worry, because tonight, after I beat Rikishi ["What?"] I'm dedicating this
match to you. Oh it's true." Rikishi block, right, right, right, right,
into the ropes, head down, kick by Angle. Angle ducks a punch - GERMAN
SUPLEX!! Woow! Head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, Rikishi
shoves him away - RIKISHI right, right, right, Angle rakes the face - off
the ropes, Samoan Drop by Rikishi! Angle manages an elbow. Right, right,
right, right, right, right, off the ropes...sunset flip attempt -
SQUAAAAAAASH. Rikishi winds up - big butt avalanche in the corner!
Angle flumps down - Rikishi takes a look - raises the roof....but Angle
slides out of the ring just in the nick of time! Referee "Blind" Brian
Webber starts a count - is it just me or is Angle not coming back? WOW!
(COR 2:01) That's some good heelin' there. Rikishi - Rikishi has a hat!
RIKISHI IS DANCING WITH HIS HAT ON! OH MAN Angle's back in to punk out
Rikishi from behind while he's distracted and the lights are down AWESOME
- right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,
right! Into the opposite corner ... is reversed - Rikishi clothesline -
Angle flumps - Rikishi backs it up - Lawler makes fart noises. AND HIS
HAT STAYS ON!! HIT HIS MUSIC AGAIN, it's time to dance! Angle is BACK UP
with a chair - WHACK in the back! Whack, whack, whack! Point of the
chair in the back - SIX times! WHACK! Crowd chants "Rock E" but not
tonight, buddy. Play Angle's music! McMahon and Book applaud. Man, this
segment ruled it for about eleven different reasons.
This just in: it was recently discovered that papers authored by Dr. L. L.
Zamenhof very late in his life, long thought lost, recently had surfaced -
and in one, there was an explanation that yes, there indeed WAS a single
Esperanto word invented to describe the "absence of any semblance of life"
- and that word...I don't have to tell you....turns out to be "GUNDAM"
WWF Shop Zone Dot Com ad - no Steve Blackman merchandise available.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - or, perhaps, three paragraphs ago
In the dressing room, after we pan up Stacy Keibler's legs, we all notice
that Bubba Ray Dudley appears nervous. D-Von asks him why he's nervous.
"What am I so nervous about? What's wrong with me. You know something?
After being partners for six years, you think you'd know by now what's
wrong with me. You think that you'd know when I'm nervous. Tonight, the
Dudley Boyz face their toughest battle to date. Just last night, we were
able to overcome all odds and beat the Big Show and Kane and escape with
our titles. We show up to the arena tonight, and what does Vince do? He
puts us in a match with an undefeated tag team. D-Von, we are the
greatest tag team in history, and tonight, that can all come to an end,
and we can lose our WWF titles. And do you know to who? The
Rock...(breaks up laughing) and Trish Stratus." "Oh, man, I mean...Bubba,
there's no way we can beat these two." "I know!" "I mean...there isn't
any way!" "Now you know why I'm nervous!" "I mean, you know what? I
think maybe we should take these titles, go over to their, their locker
room, and before we just, like, embarrass ourselves any more, just...just
give it to 'em." "Hand 'em right over." "Just, just, yeah, hand 'em."
"I don't know how we're gonna do this. But I'll tell you what...you take
care of the Rock, and I know exactly what to do with Trish Stratus."
Stacy: "Me too." "Oh ho ho, testify." I dunno, if *I* were D-Von, I'd
have said "the hell you talking about? ME take care of the Rock and YOU
take care of Trish? FUK DAT!"
Meanwhile, Lance Storm pays Ric Flair a visit - just as well, since Flair
appears to be watching a monitor that isn't on - he's tired of mopping
floors and cleaning toilets - he's a former intercontinental champion,
he's wasted as a busboy! So he bought a ticket tonight and snuck back to
get an audience with the co-owner - he'd like a job. Flair says....no.
Meanwhile (3), JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with Edge, who he said last night
totally reeked of awesomeness. "Thanks, Coach, but I can't take anything
away from Regal - he's tough, and he brought it last night...he almost
escaped with my intercontinental championship, but you know what? He
didn't? And I have a message for Mr. William Regal: (as Mike Myers, as
"Simon") 'You don't have one o' these t'hold up ye' trouzahz, do ya?
Have you kissed any booms lately? You boom kisser, you cheeky moonky."
Before Edge can finish his puckering away, Regal comes in with his brass
knux and knocks him out. "Not so bloody funny now, are ya?"
Hey look - the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim has a beautiful exterior!
WILL SASSO is in the front row! They had a spare Kaientai shirt in his
size, as well!
Ric Flair goes to leave his office - and finds Lance Storm outside his
door. He's not sure Flair realised he was serious. "I would make an
EXCEPTIONAL addition to your roster. Woo." Flair says the answer is
still no - woooo!
KISS ASSMAN (with Royal Rumble onsale information) v. KANE HAD NOTHING
BETTER TO DO TONIGHT - Regal undergoes a protracted patdown from referee
"Blind" Teddy Long...no international objects are found. Regal borrows
the mic from ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA. "Are you quite finished?
What you just saw me do to Edge was just the bloody beginning! You're
looking at a new William Regal, someone who will be dishing out punishment
the likes of which you have never ever seen before! ["What?"] And if you
don't believe me, then just wait--" The Kane pyro cuts him off. Garcia
decides to just take off rather than intro him. Regal tries to sneak in
after the requisite flashpottery but Kane catches him with a right.
Right, right, into the opposite corner, clothesline. Back to the first
corner, back body drop out. Kane picks him up - right - head to the
buckle - back elbow - uppercut - kick. Right. Kane chases off Long -
Regal comes back with a kick, left, left, left, off the ropes but falls
into a sidewalk slam. Kane covers - 1, 2, no. Head to the buckle by
Kane. Irish whip into the opposite corner, head down, kick by Regal - but
Regal runs into a clothesline. Regal goes outside...and Kane decides to
go after him - no, he climbs to the top - leaping but MISSING and there's
a crash and burn on the floor. Regal finds a pair of brass knuckles
under the timekeeper's table (man, those things are EVERYWHERE) and puts
'em on. Long, of course, is busy checking on Kane and not watching. Kane
manages a big boot before Regal can swing. Regal put back in - Kane up
top again - THIS time, the top-rope clothesline lands. Regal STILL has
'em on - Kane making the international symbol of the chokeslam - Regal in
the choke - but Regal pops Kane in the gut with a loaded left - then in
the head - 1, 2, 3. (2:25) Vince and Booker toast with coffee - and
drink with their pinkies stuck out.
UP NEXT: The Rock & Trish Stratus vs. the Dudley Boyz - and the titles are
on the line!
"Best of the WWF 2001" is New Year's Eve! Clips of Austin/Triple H from
No Way Out probably mean this match will be a part of it
What's better than a Gundam ad during the break? TWO Gundam ads during
Catch the WWF live! Tomorrow, it's (ugh) Bakersfield! RAW is Lafayette
next week, and the next night it's New Orleans!
WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: DUDLEY BOYZ (with Stacy Dudley - and RAW
credits, Transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLV & CC) v. TRISH
STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL and THE
ROCK - Trish wisely lets Rock get in the ring and start for their
team. Vince and Book smile and wave from their perch. Check out the dude
standing outside holding up the big ol' LIGHT! Also, check out the dude
frantically trying to get him to put the light out of the picture. Okay,
HERE we go: D-Von stands on the opposite side of the Rock - kick by Rock,
right, right, into the ropes, back elbow. D-Von comes back with a knee
and a right. Right hand, into the ropes is reversed, Rock with a back
body drop. Running clothesline puts him outside - Rock with a free shot
for Bubba Ray as well. Rock outside after D-Von - walked to the
commentaray table - head to the table - again, again, again - Bubba Ray
over - Rock blocks, right, right, and throws him over the table into
Lawler's lap! D-Von gets shoved over to the floor as well. Rock in - and
back out. Bubba Ray's head meets the table. Bubba Ray rolled back in.
Psst, he's not the legal man - Rock with a right, into the ropes is
reversed, Bubba Ray hits the back elbow - off the ropes with an elbowdrop
for 2. I guess he's legal now. Into the ropes is reversed, Rock with a
semi-Samoan Drop for 2. Knee by Bubba Ray, head to the buckle, tag to
D-Von, right. D-Von with four rights while Bubba Ray holds him. Right
hand. Into the ropes, but Rock hits a clothesline. Right by Rock. Into
the ropes is reversed, and Bubba Ray makes a blind tag - Rock up and over
but into a clothesline by Bubba Ray. Rock slowly brought up for the slow
neckbreaker. Tag to D-Von. Choke on the second rope by D-Von. Referee
"Blind" Mike Chioda pulls him off. Right by D-Von - right, right, right,
right, right, right, right, stomp. Chioda pulls him off - so Bubba Ray
slides in with a slap to the chest. Then he directs Stacy into a choke.
D-Von back in control - right hand. Tag to Bubba - double into the ropes,
double flapjack - Rock lands on his right knee and starts clutching it.
Bubba Ray with an elbow to the head. Final Fantasy X replay of the
flapjack. Into the corner - Rock pops out with a clothesline (his knee
looks okay). "Rock E!" I wonder if Rock will tag. Nope. Bubba Ray with
a nice snap suplex - 1, 2, no. Tag to D-Von. Right hand by D-Von.
Dares him to get up - into the ropes is reversed, belly-to-belly throw by
the Rock. Both men are down again. Stacy runs over and pulls Trish to
the floor, just in case somebody thinks about a tag. Bubba Ray with
ANOTHER big neckbreaker on the Rock - leg is hooked - 1, nope. Rock put
in the ropes, and here's the sleeper. Rock is fading fast. Sign in
crowd: "QUE?" Well, it's been about a minute in this hold - Chioda
finally checks in - arm falls once - arm falls twice - arm falls NOT
thrice. Rock manages to turn in - and turn the hold into a death suplex!
Bubba Ray crawls to D-Von and makes the tag. Rock is up! Right - block,
right - right, right, into the ropes - D-Von holds on - Rock ducks the
swing, but not the next one. Right. Into the ropes, Rock ducks - Rock
with a right - right - shoved into the ropes, clothesline is ducked -
meanwhile, Bubba Ray is in without a tag and HIS clothesline finds the
mark. Of COURSE we tagged, is the implication. Scoop - and a slam by
Bubba Ray - and there's ANOTHER tag. D-Von right, Rock right - into the
ropes, D-Von holds on - Bubba Ray comes in - but Rock evades the charge
and Bubba Ray ends up taking out his brother! Gutshot, DDT on Bubba Ray!
Ross works in "malfunction at the junction" but doesn't say "Ed Whalen."
Chioda puts on the count as all three men are down - Rock up at 7 -
Dudleyz up - "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" on D-Von - same for Bubba
- another for D-Von, Bubba, right for D-Von, right for Bubba, right for
D-Von, Bubba finally breaks the cycle with a knee - Rock into the ropes -
double clothesline on both Dudleyz! Bubba Ray charges - Rock tosses him
up and over. Right for D-Von, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT - D-Von runs
into a spinebuster - into the Sharpshooter! But Bubba Ray won't let it
happen and breaks it up with a kick. He DARES Trish to come in...then
turns back to take a spinebuster from Rock! Elbowpad tossed - there's the
People's Elbow! 1, 2, D-Von makes the save - but Rock moves away and the
elbowdrop hits Bubba Ray! Rock clotheslines D-Von down - NOW Trish wants
the tag - Rock makes it - scoop slam on D-Von - *Trish* with a headbutt to
the graun! Stacy's up on the apron again - Trish wants at her but Rock is
making the "don't worry, baby, I'll handle this" face...and brings her in
the hard way. Scoop...and a slam - and spreading HER legs apart for
another top-rope headbutt from Stratus! Field goal kick by Stratus -
meanwhile, NARCISSIteST is out but Rock heads him off at the pass - right,
right, right, right - oops, Stratus is left alone and the Dudleyz are back
in - DUDLEY DEATH DROP! Bubba Ray hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3! (11:50) Rock
back in with a forearm to D-Von's back to put him out - Rock Bottom for
Bubba Ray - but Test is in with the Wotsitolla Boot to Rock. Test
*flinches* Chioda's way and he squirts out faster than the runs. Play his
Let Us Take You Back to Twenty-Two Paragraphs Ago, where Flair makes a
match for the Undisputed WWF Championship
TONIGHT: Said match - it's in a cage, remember
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by PlayStation 2 and
Kinetica! From Ven gea nce, Jeff Hardy gets the controversial pin when
Lita fails to catch Matt putting his foot on the bottom rope - and
apologies aren't going to make things right this time
"No Chance in Hell" plays - and we look up to Vince. "Yeah, well - hello,
everybody, we're up here having a wonderful time, we hope you are as well.
Matter of fact uh, Book and I see a lot of you waving at us and saying
hello, so...Book and I, uh, we're gonna wave back, so...here goes." They
do a synchronised beauty pageant wave. "There you go, see, we're
friendly. Nonetheless, uh, yeah, it's official. I admit, the Rock closed
the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club, he closed it. He closed it for good.
He closed it last Thursday when he took my face and pushed it into
Rikiri's - Rikshi's posterior. Yeah, you laughed, that's all right - but
last night at Ven gea nce, I laughed last. Which means, I laughed
loudest. So we've closed the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club, but we've
opened a new one. There's a new club, and this new club is known as the
Vince McMahon Kick YOUR Ass Club. A number of individuals have joined,
sort of, in honourary capacity. And that would be Ric Flair from Ven gea
nce, along with Stone Cold and the Rock, matter of fact a few minutes ago,
Trish - Trish Stratus - she just joined the Vince McMahon Kick Your Ass
Club - and and and Rock, and Rock joined it for the second time, you see -
you see, Book, you see in this club, you can join more than once - it's
just when you do, the dues keep going higher and higher and higher. But
anybody can join - to join all you gotta do is simply cross the boss,
that's all. And Ric Flair has crossed me. But make no mistake about it,
Mr. Flair - I am the boss. So without further ado, allow me to introduce
- a number of the luminaries are here from Hollywood tonight, there is a
huge superstar among you - I'd like to introduce him right now. Please
give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for the biggest star of them all - give
it up for....Booker T! Booker T." Sign in crowd: "BOOKER T STOLE MY CAR"
T looks at his hand.
Meanwhile, Lita is still trying to get on Matt's good side. "Matt, just -
please talk to me. I didn't do it on purpose, Matt! I didn't see your
foot. I didn't even wanna be the referee, Matt. You put me in that
position. And now you've got us in this handicap match? I don't wanna
fight you, Matt. Matt...I love you." Matt continues lacing his boots and
not looking. Lita decides to leave. When she gets to the doorway: "Oh,
you love me, huh?" "Yes." "I guess you're just trying to say that to
make me feel guilty for not talking to you. Is that right? If you didn't
wanna be the referee, why didn't you just say so? You didn't say
anything. You know why I asked for this handicap match tonight? Instead
of you and Jeff coming up with a little plan and beating me behind my
back, why don't you beat me face to face? Just like the Hardy Boyz, Lita,
me and you, we're breaking up!" He slams the door, leaving her to cry.
Go figure, Jeff just happens by at this time. She says something or other
and Jeff consoles her with a big hug. Awww....
Another look at the wwf.com homepage by way of reminding you that you can
pay them for streaming video. Anybody wanna tell me which browser they
MATT HARDY v. CHEATA & JEFF HARDY in a "please get all your girly
squealing out of the way" handicap match - hey, look, it's MICHAEL CLARKE
DUNCAN in the front row - and he's throttling Lawler! Jeff and Matt get
to arguing in the ring - Lita tries to stand between them, but Matt shoves
her away and starts opening up on Jeff - back and forth we go, roll
around, fists of fire, I guess they're not wrestling because you have to
PAY to see that. Matt takes charge in the corner. Meanwhile, Lita is
attempting to emote in the corner. Jeff manages to turn it around and now
HE gets to punching and stomping and punching and finally referee "Blind"
Tim White pulls him off. Jeff runs into a boot. Matt tosses him out.
Matt from the apron - flying clothesline to the floor (Lita didn't stop
him). Back to punching away. Matt in - and back out. Jeff blocks a head
to the apron and puts Matt's head there instead. They both tumble over
the barricade. Jeff with punches - and choking away. Back to the
ringside area. Matt blocks a head to the steps and bounces Jeff's head
off there instead. FINALLY, everybody's back in. Matt with the fistdrop.
1, 2, Jeff kicks out. Matt drops Jeff on the top rope - then clotheslines
him down. Jeff breaks free - tries some body shots but Matt punches him
down again. Jeff manages a right, ducks, clothesline off the ropes.
Into the corner is reversed by Matt, Jeff walks up the corner, and springs
off with a twisting press. Speaking in Tongues double legdrop. Back to
his knees, Jeff goes right and left with the fists. Gutshot, Twist of
Fate attempt is shoved away, and Matt uses the momentum to take Jeff over
the top and out. Lita goes up top at this point and hits the
Cheatacanrana. Why are the commentators talking about Matt dumping her on
national television as if they're aware there are cameras back there?
Jeff back up - swantonbomb ... MISSES!! Lita tags herself in (that's
probably supposed to *look* like her just patting Jeff on the back to see
if he's okay and not realising it's a tag...only it came off looking
TOTALLY like a tag, so who knows). Anyway, Matt calmly walks over, grabs
Lita, folds her up after a schoolboy and gets the pin. (4:40) Man, I'm
*cornfused* - why are they playing JEFF'S music when MATT won? Let's get
that Close Personal Friend of Scott's on that straightaway. Lita throws
Ric Flair shakes his head, as if to say "dammit, how DO you turn this
monitor on?" "Oh no, not again." This is Storm: "Ric, Mr. Flair, I'm
sorry to keep bothering you but this is too important. This is my life.
All I'm asking is for a chance to prove myself. I'm ready to go, if you
give me a match tonight, I'm ready to go right now. If I win it, I'll
have more than earned my right to have a job here. That's all I'm asking
for is a chance." "Here's the deal: I'm tired of looking at your face,
I'm tired of seeing you. You know who I am, right? You know this is the
World Wrestling Federation, the largest, the greatest sports entertainment
company in the world. Right? You wanna match tonight? You got a match!
But if you don't win the match, I never wanna see you again. Now get
outta my office!"
THIS "Best of 2001" ad highlights WrestleMania's TLC match - Lawler says
you can vote for your favourite matchup at wwf.com to influence the
special. I wonder if anybody'll vote for one of the fine matches I saw in
LANCE STORM v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - come on, YOU saw it coming.
Storm with a dropkick through the ropes - but the pescado attempt is
caught. Show from the floor with a press over the top back into the ring.
Show getting in when Storm tries another forearm - Show swats him away.
Show in the ring now - into the corner, well it's the big knee, well it's
the big knee. Well it's the big hiptoss all the way across the ring and
Storm slides out. "You wanna job? Come get you some!" Storm sneaks in
with an eyepoke - elbow - elbow - into the ropes is reversed and Show
pulls him into a short clothesline. Well it's the big forearm in the
back. Lawler eats at In-N-Out? Well it's the big kick. Well it's the
big Irish whip into the opposite corner. Storm gets the boot up but Show
catches it, pushes it down, and slaps him in the chest. Into the opposite
corner - Storm evades the splash - forearm, forearm - Show shoves him away
again. Well it's the big headbutt. Show's big boot hits the turnbuckle
when Storm escapes - nice reverse kick puts Show down. Storm outside,
trying to wrap his leg around the post but Show kicks him away. Storm
back in as Show is on his knees...flying leg lariat to the back of the
head. Storm up top - missile dropkick! 1, 2, but Show kicks out with
authority. Storm tries another kick - Show catches it, puts him down,
choke - ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM - 1, 2, 3. So long, Lance. Back to the
Internet commentary circuit with you! (2:37)
Felicity serves sandwiches to McMahon and Booker - Booker suspects Austin
trickery and makes her sample them first. Hilarity fails to ensue.
Shawn Michaels (who?) is the Special Guest Star of Excess this Saturday!
Ross categorizes it as a "rare television appearance."
"WWF Desire" spotlights Triple H, set to "Beautiful Day" by U2. This
segment is a recapper's DREAM, 'cause all *I* have to type is a beautiful
nine character word known in Esperanto as FUHFUHWID
Next thing we see is a shirt with "WHAT?" on it. Pan up - it's Austin!
"What? ["What?"] What? ["What?"] What? ["What?"] What? ["What?"] Y2J is
the Undisputed champion? ["What?"] Y2J was declared the winner at Ven gea
nce? ["What?"] Vince McMahon and Booker screw Stone Cold? ["What?"] Vince
and Booker T screw Stone Cold? ["What?"] I said, Vince McMahon and Booker
T screw Stone Cold? ["What?"] After last night, I sat there and I thought
about it, and I said 'Stone Cold, ["What?"] there's no use in sittin' here
cryin', ["What?"] whinin', ["What?"] pissin', ["What?"] moanin' ["What?"]'
so I asked myself, I said 'Stone Cold, ["What?"] do you want Y2J ["What?"]
or do you want Booker T?' ["What?"] So while I was tryin' to make that
decision, I drove over to the Sonic drive-in, ["What?"] ordered a jalapeno
burger, ["What?"] a chicken-fried steak sandwich, ["What?"] a chili cheese
dog with extra onions, ["What?"] french fries, ["What?"] Tater Tots,
["What?"] washed it down with one beer, ["What?"] two beers, ["What?"]
three beers, ["What?"] a shot of whiskey, ["What?"] a margarita, ["What?"]
and a bloody mary, ["What?"] and I said 'Stone Cold, why have one when you
can have 'em both?' ["What?"] Booker T, you show up tonight with Vince
McMahon and you got your security guards, ["What?"] you've got your guard
dogs, ["What?"] you've got your pepper spray ["What?"] so you can sit up
there in your stupid little skybox and you can watch Stone Cold Steve
Austin kick the crap outta Y2J in a steel cage! Y2J, you said--you're
calling Stone Cold Steve Austin a little trooper? ["What?"] Tonight, Stone
Cold Steve Austin ain't gonna be no little trooper and since we're right
here in Anaheim, California....Hollywood is right down the road, so
tonight, Chris Jericho, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna make you a star
["What?"] - no, he's gonna make you a superstar ["What?"] - no, just like
you said he's gonna make you a superduperstar. ["What?"] Because you're
gonna get the starring role in the movie I'm directing, and the name of
that movie is My Name is Chris Jericho and I'm Getting My Ass Whipped
in a Steel Cage. And when it's all said and done, Chris Jericho,
Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna take his Undisputed Championships and
walk outta this ring, and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Said
One more look at the cage - it'll probably be lowered by the time we come
Look! It's Times Square! It's WWF New York! There are PEOPLE inside WWF
UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: STONE
COLD STEVE AUSTIN (with Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X presents Royal
Rumble!) v. MR.
JERICHO within the confines of the unforgiving STEEL cage - Jericho
now hits his "outstretched arms" pose with a belt in each hand. Referee
"Blind" Earl Hebner mans the door, while Austin waits in the far corner.
Ross says that this match can only be won via escape - through the door or
over the top to the floor. Apparently, Hebner will be STAYING outside the
cage. Jericho is so interested in jawing with fans, he's completely
failing to get in the cage! Hebner tries to prod him, but doesn't have
much luck. FInally, Austin comes outside and forearms Jericho in the back
- forearm, right, right, right, right, right, right, scoop...dropped on
the barricade. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop,
right. Kick. Head to the commentary table. Austin grabs Garcia's chair
- but Hebner grabs it back. Jericho climbs the cage wall to avoid Austin
- as soon as he gets over the top, Austin goes in through the door and NOW
the opening bell tolls. Jericho hasn't seen Austin come in, otherwise
he'd hop the top and just get out. He TRIES, but Austin pulls him into a
stun gun - into the ropes, Austin press - six rights - off the ropes with
the Fuck You elbow. Sign in crowd: "WCW = XFL" Head to the buckle, chop,
chop, chop, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, (crowd chanting "What?"
with every stomp) stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp
stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp - stomp. Jericho whipped into the opposite
corner, but he leaps to the top and starts climbing - Austin runs after
him, catches him, and pulls him down back into the ring. Jericho crawls
to the door - Austin is content to stand over him as he struggles to crawl
out - then pulling him back in - chop, chop, chop, chop - into the ropes,
back elbow. Into the ropes is reversed - and Jericho uses the momentum to
run Austin into the cage! Jericho takes over - kick - mount right, right
right, right, right, right. "Jericho sux!" chant. Jericho removes a
turnbuckle cover - Austin blocks the attempted head to the bolt - back
elbow, back elbow, elbow, right, chop, into the ropes, Jericho with a kick
when Austin's head is down - Jericho charges, but Austin upends him into
the wall of the cage! Austin climbs up...then changes his mind and goes
back to Jericho - AGAIN running him into the cage walls. Back to the
first wall. Austin stands on Jericho's neck and uses the ropes to add
leverage. Jericho to the eyes - chop, chop, chop - into the ropes,
Jericho with KICK WHAM no Austin shoves him off - double leg by Austin -
Walls of Austin fought off....so Austin just steps on his nuts instead.
Stomp. Head to the buckle - into the opposite corner (too bad they're not
using the corner with the exposed STEEL) - running clothesline by Austin.
Back to the first corner, but Jericho gets the boot up. Running
"bulldog." Lionsault! But both men are down. Jericho manages to get up
first, and starts the slow climb (but the door is RIGHT THERE) - almost
makes it, but Austin grabs his ankle, climbs up after him, and pulls him
down. They're balanced on the top rope - chop by Austin, chop, slap,
slap, and Jericho slumps on the top turnbuckle. Austin jumps down,
crotches him, climbs the corner and pulls Jericho back up - SUPERPLEX!
Jericho spots the door again and tries the crawl - Austin has his boot,
though, and pulls him back. Jericho manages an enzuigiri and starts
crawling again...he's through! Well, only his body - and Austin has the
boots again. Jericho pulled back in. Jericho ducks the swing - JERICHO
KICK WHAM STUNNER!! *Again* Jericho starts the slow crawl to the open
door...trying to pull himself out - one hand on the floor but AGAIN Austin
has the boots. Austin with the boot. Jericho with a right - KICK WHAM
shoved away - Austin rams Jericho into the wall of the cage - into the
opposite wall - and back to the other wall. Austin does a little
turnbuckle surgery of his own, removing the protective covering off the
large screw holding the ropes to the corner - off all three ropes - now
HEAD TO THE BOLT! AGAIN! AGAIN! Seven times in all - and then back
into the screw - two more times to the bolt - and one more time into the
wall of the cage. It's safe to say Jericho is bleeding by this point.
Austin isn't done - WOW Catapult into the eyebolt! And Snake Eyes onto
the screw! Austin with a stomp for good measure. Door open and Austin
is.....incredibly stupid, because he turns back when Jericho flips him the
double bird (Aha! So JERICHO is the one guy watching "Excess!" This is
St. Valentine's Day Massacre all over again!) Austin back in - double
bird - KICK WHAM STUNNER! NOW he's leaving...oops, BOOKER T is out and
slamming the door in Austin's face! I think he's SWEARING a lot, too!
Jericho, bleeding all over the place, crawls and crawls...and makes it out
to the floor. (11:02) From the skybox, Vince applauds. Jericho looks
like his balloon is flying away, but he again takes hold of the two
championship belts. The RAW Zone credits are up and the last thing Ross
promises is a "hell toupee," whatever the hell THAT is.