QUICK QUOTE: WWF 14.05 (+ .32, last year: 20.07, two years ago: 15 7/16) POINTLESS NET FEUDS: Oh no, I'm on ROH'S GABE SAPOLSKY'S RADAR!! Quick story: I've been getting ROH spam ever since Rob Feinstein first announced he was starting the thing. Now, ROH is on the east side and I'm in California - I *ain't* going, it's pointless to get me interested. I'm not gonna put his ads up on my site, so I'm really not sure what the point is of telling me about it. All that aside, I was content to just delete the emails as they came, and all was well...until Wednesday, when I got a big-ass graphic attachment sent to me - it kinda looked like this:
Please remove firstname.lastname@example.org from your spam list. Thanks, CRZStraightforward enough, right? I mean, that's nice and polite, isn't it? Granted, I didn't HAVE to choose to use the prejorative term "spam," but it gets my point across, and I mean ALL the man has to do is take my email address off his list. He doesn't even have to send back an "okay" or even a "sorry," although it would be NICE, but bascially all I'm looking for is no spam about ROH. OKAY. Well, within five minutes, I get not one, but TWO emails back: Email #1: This isn't a spam list, it's a press release list That's the entire email. Yikes. Not promising! Email #2: I would like to continue to send our press releases to my friend Harry Slash. I thought this was his email address. I'm sorry if it isn't. Does he have a new email? Thank you. Now, think about this. #1, how the fuck would *I* know? I must be some OMNIPOTENT GOD to this man or something. #2, you can call them "press releases" - *cough*bullshit*cough - you can call them that a HUNDRED times but they're STILL unsolicited. Hey, I'm PRETTY sure I've got my semantics right by referring to unsolicited email as spam. Before I continue, I'll share with you my (by now, admittedly testy) reply:
Dear Gabe, If I didn't request it, it's spam. I have no idea who Harry Slash is. Please at least attempt to do your research in the future. Thanks, CRZNow actually, I DO know who Harry Slash is - as leader of the Slashtones, he did some music for ECW back when they WEREN'T bankrupt...and he had (and may still have) a website running on the same server as all those ECW websites that Ryder and Scherer were running but not publicly 'fessing up to, but that's a whole 'NOTHER story and I digress. MY naive thinking was that if Gabe REALLY thought as he did, *all* he'd have to do is fire up a web browser and point it at either his site (www.slashtones.com or www.harryslash.com) to get his address - OR look at slashwrestling.com to at least know that I WASN'T who he was looking for. Of course, it's just EASIER to throw a bunch of email at a bunch of addresses, isn't it? Duh, of course it is. Anyway, a half hour later Gabe crafted this response: Sorry, I mistook you for a journalist. I won't make that mistake again. You won't get anything from us. **Journalist?!** Well, hell, THERE'S your problem! Believe me, that's a common mistake! Thus ends today's fascinating episode. Gabe obviously won't read this, but I'd just like to say "Apology accepted. Now keep your word." in case anybody gets back to him for me. I'd email it to him but I'm afraid he'd want the last word and respond back AGAIN, and then this opening would continue and we'd NEVER get to the RAW report...... Oh my. And this is only a mere speck, a mere fraction of what Bob Barnett has to live with every day of his life from the REAL RF? I need to start apologising to him. Wow, I didn't have all these problems BEFORE I joined Online Onslaught... TONIGHT: Believe it! Maven gets a shot at Undisputed WWF Champion Chris Jericho tonight! Also, to find out who the winner faces at No Way Out, Steve Austin takes on Kurt Angle just one more time! And HEY! What's all this about the NWO? Don't even THINK about using your remote! TNG: Well, I mean it's "Best of Both Worlds I," isn't it? That makes it TOTALLY GREAT...at least it was, the *first* time we saw it - the Part II kinda wasn't so great, though, which kinda kills the buzz a little bit. Still... TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF! Let Vince Vince You Vince to Vince Opening Credits PYRO! WHAT? PYRO! Coming to you LIVE from the SOLD OUT Coliseum in Richmond, VA 28.1.2 and broadcast on THE NEW TNN (and the boring ol' TSN), transmitido en espanol SAP, with folks in attendance at WWF New York - YEAH! It's WWF RAW! TONIGHT: Chris Jericho vs. Maven for the Undisputed Championship! Yes, Maven! TONIGHT: Triple H vs. Booker T! TONIGHT: Stone Cold vs. Kurt Angle - a #1 Contender will be decided! And that's not EVEN all! KANE (with Let Us Take You Back to Royal Rumble) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - I guess this now that this tag team is colliding, Show can go back to his preferred method of tagging with cruiserweights? This replay of Kane elminating Show from the Rumble is ALSO rated TV-14-DLV, thanks! Also, it's still pretty impressive that Kane could keep him off the ground even if he didn't press him three or four times like he usually does with less...I would say "hefty" folk. Show moves from staredown into shove in the face, Kane shoves back, and we're on. Show with repeated punches and knees - well it's the big right - well it's the big into the ropes, well it's the big clothesline. ZOMBIE SITUP! Show with a kick - and drops the elbow. 1, 2, nope. Right, stomp, stomp, well it's the big sidewalk slam, leg is hooked, 2. It's all Show thus far - and now he clamps on the headlock. Kane to his feet - elbow, elbow, elbows out - ducks a Show clothesline, right, right, right, off the ropes, clothesline, STILL on his feet, off the ropes and Show unleashes the big bad boot tonight. Kane put into the corner, but he evades the charge. Show walks into a HOLY SHIT BODYSLAM! Thumb crosses throat - Kane's going up. Show's back on his feet...Kane to the air - Show catches him with the goozle and here's ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM. It's ALL over - 1, 2, NO!!!! Crowd: "1, 2, 3 - OHHHH!" - Show: "What the (beep)?" Well it's the big elbowdrop MISSES and Kane slowly gets back to his feet. To the corner, but Show puts up the elbow. Show rushes in - KANE with a choke - Show fights out with two elbows and a big headbutt. Off the ropes - KANE with a back elbow - big boot - choke - CHOKESLAM - 1, 2, 3!! Kane wins! (2:50) NOW what do you do with him? In his office, Flair talks to ME on his cel phone! There's a knock at the door - it's the APA. They wanna know what's up with Vince killing the company and bringing in the NWO? Flair says nobody knows more about how the NWO can destroy a company than him - he's on their side - he's gonna try to appeal to McMahon's business sense as soon as he shows up...and get to the bottom of it. "If this is who we think it is, we know them. And they ain't nothin' - nothin' but a buncha damn self-serving egomaniacs, lying, ass-kissin', back-stabbin', (shit) disturbin' sons o' bitches!" "And that's the BEST we got to say about them." Flair should be making his "you are not telling me something I do not know" face here, but instead they hit an "aaaaaaand...FREEZE" take before we fade out to the first ad break When we come back, it's time once again for Another Shattered Dreams Production: "The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world he didn't exist. Kevin Spacey, The Usual Suspects, 1995. Well rest assured, I do exist. I am very much a reality - a reality HE is one step closer to getting a taste of. (inhales) Mmmmm, tastes delicious. I saw him perform last week - impressive, most impressive. And oh, how the people rose to their feet in admiration. Congratulations, they like you - they really, realy like you. Congratulations, they like you - they really, really like you. And I like you too. I like the way you have no idea what it is you're about to be dealing with. Right now, you're so joyous - so enthusiastic. Here's lookin' at you, kid. Because one day you'll look back on all this period in your life and remember how happy you were - how life was simple back then - before the pain - before the suffering - before your life was forever altered by the name you will never forget..(inhales)... Goldussssst." What, he saw Page on Excess last week? Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY. Let Us Take You Back to the Royal Rumble and show you how Maven *singlehandedly* eliminated the Undertaker - or that's what they keep saying, anyway, despite the fact that we can clearly see Lita up there on the apron. (Lita? Lita Who?) You know, the woman who turned on her webmaster and... (Okay, okay, I didn't really care.) Hey, now we all know why the "M" in ROYAL RUMBLE logo is a contrasting colour! ANYWAY, since Maven was never "officially" eliminated, he gets this title shot...and another chance to shock the world. Wait, is that right? Let's cut to MICHAEL KING COLE stands in Jericho's dressing room. Is it true that HE was the one who lobbied for this title shot for Maven? "Of COURSE it was me that granted Maven the title shot, why? Because I am a fighting champion...I am the Undispyooted Champion! And it's got nothing to do with the fact that everywhere I go, when people talk to me about the Royal Rumble, they don't compliment me on my glorious win over the Rock! No, all they wanna talk about is Maven. (whines) 'Did you see what happened to Maven? Maven was never officially eliminated! Maven deserves a title shot! Poor little Maven Maven Maven Maven MAVEN!' I score the biggest win of my career, and all anybody wants to talk about is the kid from Tough Enough? TOUGH ENOUGH? All right Maven, we all know that you're Tough Enough - but are you good enough? I don't think so. And after I beat the holy hell out of Maven tonight, I'm going to watch Angle and Austin beat the holy hell out of each other, and at No Way Out, I am going to give one of them exactly what I give poor little Maven tonight, and that is an Undispyooted Beating...from the Undispyooted Champion...ME." Hey, remember how we used to complain about twenty minute opening interviews? I'm trying to figure out where I stand relative to that on *two ad breaks in the opening twenty minutes.* I guess we're counting on some long, uninterrupted breaks of action later in the show? (Now by "action," do you mean talking?) Umm...no. Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 Catch the WWF LIVE! Tomorrow at the Scope is SOLD OUT - Saturday, it's Vancouver! Sunday, Seattle; RAW is Las Vegas and Tuesday at the Staples Center is also SOLD OUT! WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: POINTS TO SELF v. WILLIAM REGAL - we take a long, loving look at ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA, who is sporting "coffee burns" from Thursday - I didn't really see them, but I'm sure they're there if they keep bringing 'em up. We also take a look at referee "Blind" Teddy Long conducting an anthrax sweep of the ring for weaponry. Long insists on an involved patdown for Regal as well...unfortunately, van Dam stupidly interrupts before Long can finish it so he gets what he deserves if Regal produces them later. van Dam with an elbow, elbow, elbow, into the ring, spinning heel kick, and Regal goes out. Big "RVD" chant. van Dam out after him - Regal meets the post. Into the STEEL steps. Kick in the gut, elbow, rolled into the ring, and van Dam follows. Regal goes out again. van Dam out again - elbow, elbow, elbow, rolled back in...Regal tries a kick, but van Dam catches it and hits the stepover heel kick for 2. Roundhouse kick. Backflip press - 2. WWFShopZone.com replay. Off the ropes, Rolling Thunder gets 2. Ross: "van Dam is OWNING the Intercontinental champion." Regal *finally* scores - unfortunately, it's with a kick to the nuts - and Long saw it. This match is over. (DQ 1:24) Regal reacts by giving Long a left hand. Regal grabs his belt and takes off. van Dam rolls out after him - spun around, elbow, elbow, rolled back in the ring - stomp, well now THE DUDLEY BOYZ are out and doubleteaming van Dam - big beatdown occurs and many elbows are dropped. Here comes KING EDGE. Spear for you, spear for you, over the top rope and outside you go. For an encore, van Dam hits a plancha off the top to the floor on Bubba while Edge hits a somersault plancha on D-Von - oops, Regal's loaded up his left hand. Edge to the apron - headbutt through the ropes to Regal...climbing up top but Edge runs SMACK into the Power of the Punch. Now it's van Dam up top - jump and kick on Regal - van Dam pointing to himself, but now the *Dudleyz* are back in - 3D (DUDLEY DEATH DROP) on van Dam! Play...Regal's music? Well, okay. Hmmm.... Did they ever actually suspend Edge? TONIGHT: they actually play an ad for RAW....during RAW. Presumably this is from the same braintrust who thinks calling themselves "the new TNN" is a good idea Look! It's a...big statue outside the Richmond Coliseum? "Richmond Light Infantry Blues 1789" Huh. I guess he guards the place Another knock at Flair's door. Why, it's time for our Pointless Stephanie Segment of the Night! "Oh, God...what?" "Oh, don't get up for me, Ric. I wanna know who the hell you think you are - booking MY husband in a match with Booker T tonight. I had PLANS for Triple H tonight...but I guess you couldn't take that into consideration, could you? I guess you just don't take people's (watch Flair's eyes here - he can't help himself, the old dog) FEELINGS into consideration, do you, Ric? You know my husband's got a lot on his mind Triple H has got a title shot at WrestleMania for the Undisputed WWF Championship!" "Oh, wait a minute - stop!" Flair gets up. "I'm sorry...for not bowing down when you walked through the door, princess, but let's get something straight right now. If you're lookin' for the reason Triple H is wrestling Booker T tonight, talk to your father - HE booked the match...not me." "My father?" "Yeah." "He couldn't be...that vindictive? Because of...the name Hunter called him on - on SmackDown!?" This exposition is KILLING me. "Yeah - maybe - DOESN'T MATTER. You got a problem with that, get in line, because when your dad comes through the door tonight, he and I are talking about the N - W - O. And again, excuse me for not standing and bowing - I'm learning - I'm a real fast learner." "So am I." So is -- the hell does THAT mean? GOD suck suck suck suck suck just go away please I'm BEGGING you LEGITIMATE GODFATHER (with eight - no, four legitimate escorts - and with Las Vegas RAW ticket hype - PLEASE sell it out - PLEEEEASE) and DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE v. LANCE STORM & CHRISTIAN - 31.20 Godfather now hands out legitimate business cards. Cubs asked me to time Godfather's entrance and make a Goldberg comparison. I'll meet you halfway: the entrance took 1:26. And after Page's entrance, Godfather gets some time with THE LEGITIMATE STICK: "Welcome to the Godfather's escort service! Service, class, with a lotta fine ass. There's no-HOOOOOOOOOOO doubt about it." That's it, I'm outta here. "Let's just ask one of the Godfather's satisfied customers...D - D - P. Did you use the Godfather's escort service last night? And...were you *completely* satisfied? You know, this man hasn't been able to physically stop smiling ever since he called one of Godfather's escorts." "And that, Godfather, isn't a bad thing - it's a GOOD thing!" Let me just ponder this for a minute...Godfather and Page are.....okay, we've got Godfather, okay, and he's teaming with... ..... .... okay, DDP is teaming with..... no, I can't ("Random tag team generator") OH! RIGHT! Actually, if somebody could be bothered to bring up the fact that Page got the nontitle victory over Christian last night on Heat, I MIGHT even think there's a budding feud over the European championship brewing - making this a "combine two feuds with one tag team match" match - of course, since they didn't bring ANY of that up...well hell, I don't even know why I'M bringing it up. Also, Page cheats on his wife. I guess THAT'S a good thing, too. Hey, let's talk about the NWO some more. It's Godfather and Storm - kick by Godfather, forearm in the back, right, into the corner, into the ropes, back elbow. Scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes - elbowdrop. Into the ropes, gutshot, off the ropes...but Christian lowers the bridge and wails away on him - rolled back in for Storm - elbow, elbow, elbow, into the ropes, NICE dropkick - also he landed on him - 1, 2, no. Storm puts him in the friendly corner and tags out - doubleteam kicks until referee "I Always Work Godfather Matches" Tim White restores order - leaving Christian alone for the stomp - that's five, plus a step on the neck. While Christian and White converse, Storm sneaks in a big choke. The crowd reacts with complete indifference. Christian right, right, right, right, gutshot, tag. Double suplex - Storm covers, but only gets 2. Snapmares him over, legdrop, legdrop, cover - 1, 2, no. Crowd chants "DDP" - out of boredom, I guess. Tag, Christian with a side Russian legsweep - 1, 2, no. Christian throws a major league tantrum - this is starting to become a pattern with him, no? Right by Christian, right, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner, Godfather gets the elbow up. Christian runs in - Godfather steps aside and puts him into the post. Tag to Storm, HOT TAG to Page - duck, right, right for Christian, right for Storm, right for Christian, discus lariat for Storm, wants the Diamond Cutter but Storm shoves him away...off the ropes, Christian collides with him - Storm with a rollup and tights pull - Godfather saves at 2. Kick for Storm, kick, right, meanwhile Christian climbs to the top - Godfather shoves Storm into the corner, crotching Christian and hanging him out to dry - so here's the Escort Train on Christian. Storm manages a superkick on Godfather, but Page is up from behind with the Diamond Cutter! Leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3. (4:02) Page leaves through the crowd 'cause he's a suckup. Lawler reads off the number on his business card: 1-9-GODFATHER. Hmm, that's pretty wise of them, as the 969 area code isn't in use. I guess they learned their lesson after directing people to a murder-for-hire number LAST week... Wow, THEN they TOTALLY flub the post-match ho dance, as the legitimate escorts head up the aisle before Godfather's music starts, so instead we cut to... Outisde, a limousine pulls up...well *there's* Vince. He looks like he has no idea where he is. The chauffeur offers: "I'm very sorry for being late this evening, Mr. McMahon...I won't let it happen again." Vince closes his door...taps him on the shoulder...and talks away without saying a word. When we come back, THE MAN is true to his word, heading to the ring to talk to Vince...I mean, us. "Wooooo! Thank you. God, I love Richmond, Virginia. ["He said Richmond!"] A lot of tradition, a lotta memories. A great part of my life in wrestling was lived right here in this city. But I've got something much more important than myself to talk to y'all about tonight - last week, as you know, another high in the career of Ric Flair, I walked out of the Royal Rumble a winner over Vince McMahon. I was livin' woo! as high as the WWF would let me go. And then on SmackDown! Thursday, I was havin' at it, again, and I'm watching Vince McMahon melt down - hell, we all have tough times in life. He clearly was havin' a bad day...but not bad enough, Vince McMahon, to bring in the NWO. There...is so much about you, your father, the World Wrestling Federation that nobody understands. You were talkin' about it, but ya don't understand it yourself - the tradition of this great company. So how do you impress a billionaire? Through his family, no. Through his wife, no. Through his friends, no, I tell ya how I do it. I go back to Stamford, Connecticut to a company I own half of, I say 'put together the greatest video of all time. Start with Vince Sr., go to Vince Jr., and allll that lies between. The history.' Watch it, folks. Three of the greatest technical people in the world put this together after a hundred hours - this is the World Wrestling Federation. Please put it up right now." If it looks good, you'll see it; If it sounds good, you'll hear it, If it's marketed right, you'll buy it; but...if it's real, you'll feel it. - Kid Rock This 3:45 package set to Kid Rock's "Lonely Road of Faith" (credit: Feely) is GREAT. GREAT. I won't even try to list all the people in it - fortunately, Trey already did it for me - but I will hit the spots that I noticed: All we get of Vincent J. is a photo - was he ever on TV? (And if not, hey, how different does that make him compared to Vincent K.?) They lift the moratroium on Owen clips for this package. I think this is the FIRST time they've ever actually aired Hart writing "WCW" in the air after the end of Survivor Series. I NEVER thought they'd show Madusa tossing the belt in the trash on Nitro. Hey, look, Wendi Richter - boy they screwed HER. No Savio Vega, sadly. They only show Hulk Hogan - never Hollywood Hogan...if that means anything. Sable in the handprints whee! Including Tyson is an interesting choice (but maybe too late to edit out?). The best part are the parallel clips - Savage spinning to Michaels spinning to Angle spinning, Moolah to Alundra Blayze to Chyna to Lita to Trush - Maivia to Johnson to Rock - Savage and Liz to Hardy and Lita - and just about all the WWF Champions from Sammartino to Jericho. The final shot is one of Vincent K....fading back to that portrait of Vincent J. Then we get the Kid Rock CD cover and "WWF Desire" title. MAN THIS WAS AWESOME I'm telling you find a copy on wwf.com tomorrow 'cause they've GOT to make it available if you missed it. It WAS that good - I mean, if you wanted to do something to keep the hardcore fans around, this is how you do it - in spades. Okay, back to the show. Flair is smart enough to stay quiet and let it all sink in. Lawler, of course, is not. "If that doesn't say it all...Vince McMahon, Sr. had a vision, and his son, make no mistake, Vince McMahon Jr., took this whole World Wrestling Federation to the level it is today - the greatest sports entertainment company in the world, and Vince McMahon, if you've arrived in your limousine, if you're anywhere and can hear me, I would like you to come out here right now. ... There are ten thousand people here tonight that just lived their entire wrestling dream in four minutes - that is..." the soulful sounds of "No Chance in Hell" bring BILLIONAIRE VINCE to the ring...slowly. Hands in pockets and looking at the ground - I believe Vince is, shall we say, "acting." "This is what I'm talkin' 'bout with you. Every time we step over the line - we talk about the reality of a life - we talk about what makes us different...you especially, because this is yours, you were right. On SmackDown!, I don't know who you were talkin' to, but you're right - this is your baby. You built it. There's ten thousand people here that wanna LOVE you for that. They're here tonight, because you've survived, you've made it. You're Vince McMahon - this IS yours, and if I have done anything - I'm serious - if I have done something SO wrong in the last three months that you would bring those people here, then I owe you a huge apology - what is it? What is it? What do you want from me? Did you watch that? That was your father - all this was his vision - you made it bigger than life! You took it to the next level! Bigger than the NFL - bigger than the NBA - bigger than baseball! You did it! This is yours! You want me to lay down? Lay down, right, you wanna beat me? Is that it? Do you want me to - you wanna hit me in the head? You want me to bleed in Richmond? Do you wanna get a pipe, hit me in the head? God (damn) it, what do you want me to do?! Do not DO this to your company! Look at the Rock and Austin - Undertaker - Foley - all these guys, they don't deserve it. What do you want me to do? I've said it - I'll lay - unequivocably - tell me what you want me to do. Do not screw this up - ya spent a lifetime - good, bad or indifferent, it's YOURS, and right now it's GOOD! It's the best God (damn) sports entertainment company in the world! Listen to 'em!" Off goes the jacket. "GO ahead, punch me in the mouth! I'm asking ya - I'm asking you for your own good, and I'm asking you for everybody back there - what - what possibly could you be thinking, bringing the NWO in here? Knowing the problems that hang in this...what? Tell me, tell me what I can do to heal it. God (damn). Tell me what I can do to heal it. I'm asking ya. I've known these fans for 25 years - I'm asking ya in front of Rich--" Vince swipes the mic from him. "I want my company back, I want 100% of it back, not 50% and I want you OUT. However, I'll do the right thing for the company as long as you will, and...quite frankly, the right thing for you to do is to sell me all of your stock at the price you paid for it, Ric - that's the right thing to do! If you do the right thing, I can call this whole NWO thing off, but if you do the wrong thing, Ric....then the fate of the World Wrestling Federation lies in your hands and I assure you, if your answer is no....I'll give you a coupla days to think about it, but if your answer is no, then the poison of the NWO will flow through World Wrestling Fderation veins, wiping out everything in its path...and it'll destroy the fan interest, it'll destroy all fan interest all over the world, thus it'll destroy the careers of every WWF superstar, and ultimately that NWO poison will destroy the World Wrestling Fedeartion itself! It's in your hands, Ric. Think about it, I'll give you a couple of days, but if the answer is no....the only solace I take, Ric Flair, if the answer is no, the only solace I take is that I will see you, I will see every WWF superstar, I'll see every WWF fan in the world, I'll see you all in HELL! And the reason I'll see all of you in hell...is because, on the NWO Killing Fields, I'll be the last to survive." Vince and Flair's eyes finally meet. Play his music again! Vince lowers his eyes again (Ross: "Vince never looked Flair in the eye" - oopsie) and slowly leaves...stopping to rest at a ringpost - and is that a hint of a smile curling up on his lips? UP NEXT: Chris Jericho vs. Maven! Have a look at WWF RAW Inside is NIDIA (WHO? OH YEAH, NIDIA) She's really excited for Maven and she's got boobs. WWF UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP: MAVEN HAS AN ENTRANCE VIDEO v. MR. JERICHO (with RAW Credits, TV-14-DLV & CC boxes) - Maven is announced as hailing from Charlottesville, VA...just in case he wasn't going to get enough fan support in this match already. Ross says HE thinks that Jericho wanted no part of this match, and Flair probably booked it. MAYBE Ross should have kept *that* opinion to himself - I mean, it's not quite as subtle as you think to pass by "portraying the champ as a weasel" on the direct path to "completely burying the champ." Jericho takes time to give Maven a friendly slap in the face. Oops, he shouldn't turn his back there - Maven strikes first with a forearm in the back! Maven with the forearm, right, elbow, head to the buckle, head to the buckle, into the opposite corner is reversed, but Maven pops out with a clothesline. Jericho ducks a clothesline, but Maven hits the DROPKICK! - 1, Jericho out at 2 - and rolling outside. Maven follows - forearm in the back, forearm, Jericho rakes the face to turn it around. Jericho with a right cross, chop, chop, head to the barricade, scoop...and drop, slap, slap, to the STEEL steps - Maven blocks, gutshot, takes JERICHO to the steps - and again! Jericho rolled back in - Maven follows but eats a big dropkick from Jericho. Jericho takes over - field goal kick, make it double, says "son of a bitch" a lot, right hand, shoulder-first into the post, shoved away. Jericho goes to work loosening a set of turnbuckle covers. Back to Maven - who pops up - elbow, elbow, elbow, into the ropes, but the head is down - Jericho with a kick, clothesline, drops the elbow, and grabs the legs...Walls of Jericho coming up - Maven trying to fight it off - rolling his shoudlers - now winding up, and flipping Jericho with a body scissors! Gutshot by Maven - into the ropes is reversed, Jericho tries a dropkick but Maven catches the legs - WOW Catapult into the exposed STEEL!! 1, 2, NO!!!! Maven tries again with an inside cradle - 1, 2, NO! Jericho comes back with a rollup - and then puts on the Walls of Jericho! Maven reaches for the ropes...Jericho steps back to the centre and REALLY leans in - and Maven has no choice but to tap. (3:23) Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda has a bit of trouble getting Jericho to break the hold, but he eventually does. Suddnely, the music changes from Jericho's to "Rollin'" - Jericho quickly leaves the ring and grabs third headset as AWESOMETAKER walks out. He's putting on his ass-whuppin' gloves! Taker tells Chioda "I just wanna talk to him" - heh. Taker walks to the corner, trapping Maven - big stare...and just plugs him in the gut. Maven tries to come back with an axehandle - I think he made him REAL mad - Taker soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, kick, kick ,kick, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone. Scoop...spine first into the exposed eyebolt! Tree of Woe stompdown commences. Taker puts him through the ropes and follows, grabs a STEEL chair (ha - Jericho again works Mark Yeaton's name into his commentary), puts it against Maven's windpipe...and gives him the Matt Hardy-style decapitation. Play "Rollin'" again! It's the WWF - LIVE! Tomorrow Norfolk, Saturday Tucson, Sunday Reno, RAW Las Vegas, and Tuesday Los Angeles! Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - not Maven's best day, I'd say. JONATHAN COACHMAN has caught up with Taker backstage. "Coach, let me ask you a question. Are those your teeth?" "Yes, sir, they are." "Would you like to keep your teeth in your mouth?" "Yes, sir, I would." "Well can I suggest to you that you never say the name Maven out loud in my presence again? 'cause if you do I WILL be wearin' your teeth as a necklace. You know that little punk...he comes down, I coulda put him out right away. But no, outta the kindness of my heart, I spared him. I said, 'I'm'a let this kid get a little ring time.' So as I'm slappin' knots into the Hardy Boyz' head, what's he do? He takes the liberty, he kicks me in the back of my head and out I go. Well that was his decision. Now he's gotta live with the consequences! He paid at the Rumble, he paid it tonight, and he will continue to pay, Coach, until I'da th-- until I *decide* that he's paid up. Now as far as the Rock goes...what business is it of the Rock's who eliminated me? Was Rock in the Rumble? NO, he wadn't in the Rumble! So it's none'a his business, but he sees fit to tell the whole world who eliminated the Undertaker - yeah, it was Maven, but it still ain't any of his business! You see, everything's a big joke to the Rock, everything's a big song and dance. Well you see, Coach, I'm not you. I don't sing and I don't dance...and I don't get disrespected. What happened to the Rock last week...will continue to happen every time he disrespects me. And come to think of it, I don't think he thought what happened at SmackDown! was too funny! So maybe he'll decide to keep his mouth shut. Are we done, Coach?" "Yes- yessir, we're done." "Why are you still here?" Coach backs off...slowly. Taker walks off in another direction. Meanwhile, Jazz is WALKING! She hears voices from beyond the dressing room door... "Hold it - a little more - almost - oh yeah - right there - oh God, that's the spot - yeah, that's it - yeah." Jazz goes ahead and opens the door (she's a voyeur!)...and spies Chuck helping Billy stretch his hamstring. "Whoa! What's going on?" "Oh, hey Jazz!" "Hey Jazz!" "Well hey, we're just stretching..." "Yeah, you gotta loosen up before you get in the ring! All right, that's good - all right, now you get down here, let me do you, it's my turn." "All right, but Billy - go easy - it hurts. Oh yeah." "How's that?" "That's it. Hey - what about our groins?" "Good call! Hey, Jazz - check this - you should probably do this - this is good." I believe they're now doing "the maturing tadpole." "No thanks - I'll see you guys out there." "Sure thing, Jazz!" "See you, Jazz! That's a good one, Billy - that works." Meanwhile, Stephanie catches up with Triple H. Taking his hand...she wants to know where his wedding band is. He says he always takes it off when he wrestles. "You know, speaking of wrestling, your match against Booker T tonight - Flair didn't make it - my father did. You know maybe you should have thought twice before you called him an (asshole) last week on SmackDown! Who knows what my father has up his sleeve? He's a manipulative, maniacal man, you know that." "Hold on a second...I called your father one, because he is one. Okay? And...really, does it matter? I mean, does it matter who booked the match? For that matter, does it matter who it is against? I mean, Booker T tonight...who cares? I will kick Booker T's ass." "And I hope you do...but I hope that you don't underestimate Booker T, I mean my father's used Booker T in many situations and he can be a dangerous force in that ring." "Oh, you're right...Booker T can be very dangerous..." "He can be!" "...but I'm unstoppable." Way to step on his line, Steffo. "Well, I think maybe you need some help." "I need help, and...what would you propose that be? Hmm, maybe - maybe you come down to the ring with me? I tell you what...I think I will be just fine...by myself." "Have it your way." "Okay." Heeeeeey the Stacker 2 Burn of the Week! From SmackDown!, Jazz takes it to Trish...eventually getting disqualified in the process TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL and A.P.A. (with RAW is brought to you by Stacker 2, M&M's, and Burger King!) v. JAZZZZZZZZZ and BANDANA BOYZ in saucy, secret intergender action - why does Lawler boo Jazz? That's not very "heel" of him. Oh, right, he sucks about that. Trish really wants to start with Jazz - and so they do. Lockup, to the ropes, referee "Blind" Jack Doan wants the break, and Jazz sneaks in a slap. Clothesline by Jazz. Shoulderblock off the ropes - up and over, leapfrog by Trish, drops down for a monkey flip, dropkick takes Jazz through the ropes - she manages to ankle Trish, though - pancakes her onto the apron, and puts her back in. Double chickenwing applied...but she releases it. Stomp. Wants a suplex, but Trish manages an inside cradle - 1, 2, Chuck comes in and breaks it up. Trish wants to slap him, but he blocks and shoves her away. Big thumbs up to Billy! Unfortunately, he shoved her to her corner, so she tags in Bradshaw - in with a shove for Chuck - into the ropes, big boot - into the ropes, back elbow - hmm, I guess Chuck is the legal man now...anyway, he crawls to Billy and hugs him - Bradshaw gives HIM a big boot, putting him on the floor. Forearm in Chuck's back - Billy in to take Bradshaw from behind - I mean, with a forearm - right hand - whip is reversed, Billy up and over, nice dropkick. Right, tag to Chuck - held open for the right hand. In the corner, right, right, right, kick, right, right, right, right, kick, standing on the throat for 4. Chuck takes a moment to adjust his trunks, as they're riding up on him. Back to Bradshaw - whip is reversed and Bradshaw catches him in a death suplex. Tag to Faarooq - open right, right, into the ropes, double shoulderblock. 1, 2, no. Into the ropes, back elbow, picks him up, into the ropes, Chuck ducks, JUNGLE KICK! 1, 2, kickout. Oops, I guess nobody told Bradshaw that was his move and so he'd need to save Faarooq - so much for THAT finisher. Into the ropes, reversed, Faarooq puts his head down, kick by Chuck. Off the ropes...but Faarooq catches him in the spinebuster. Off the ropes, (did Trish just tag?) dropped headbutt...well now Billy's in - well now it's ALL broken down - we end up with Trish and Chuck - I guess she IS legal...Trish climbs up to the top for a Ten Punch Count Along - but Chuck grabs her and gives her a stuff powerbomb - meaning her stuff was all up in his face while he powerbombed her - hmm, and Chuck appears to not have liked it too much. Instead of hooking the leg, he scrunches up his nose and merely locks knuckles to keep her pinned to the mat for the 1, 2, 3 (4:05) and it sure looks like Chuck caught a whiff of something nasty...to him, anyway. I've spent too much time on this match as it is - I don't dare speculate TONIGHT: Triple H vs. Booker T! TONIGHT: #1 Contender match - Stone Cold vs. Kurt Angle! The WWF Slam of the Week is presented by Squaresoft's "Final Fantasy X!" From SmackDown!, we learn how Angle made it to this match - with a little help from Chris Jericho and the Undertaker Cole catches up to Angle. Angle immediately regrets saying "What?" Cole mentions rumours that Austin is pretty unhappy after the SmackDown! sneak attack, and also that he'll take out his frustrations on him later tonight. "Oh really? Well, that's exactly what I'm counting on. Oh, you people wanna know what? I'll tell you exactly what. Tonight, I'm either gonna win the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is that Austin's gonna get so frustrated and so angry that he's gonna get himself disqualified and I'm gonna win the match, and I'm headin' to No Way Out. The hard way is that I'm gonna do it the old-fashioned way, and I'm gonna take Austin's ankle and I'm gonna tear it apart, and make him tap, tap, tap, tap. Oh, it's true! I said it's true." Booker T is WALKING! RAW Magazine ad Trish Stratus shills Stacker 2 BOOKER TIO (with WWF Shop Zone Dot Com presents No Way Out! It may have sold out in three hours but we STILL couldn't find a sponsor!) v. THE NEW MAN - Ross: "...and still to come is Austin and Jericho - or Austin and Angle, I should say, for the right to see who'll meet Jericho at No Way Out." Oops, I think Ross just gave away our main event...not that we didn't know anyway, wink wink. I *believe* Triple H's entrance is longer than Godfather's. Staredown. Lockup, elbow to the gut by T, trying to turn the hold his way - H to a knee - muscles back up - T turns it to a hammerlock, H reverses, T with a back elbow. H decides to spear him and punch away. What a bad sport! Right hand, into the corner is reversed, H pops out with a clothesline. Kick, climbs to the second rope, Ten Punch Count Along gets to six before T brings him out and gives him Snake Eyes. T spins in with heel kick. He can't follow up - H right, right, right, T eyepoke. T right, into the ropes, H ducks, but T hits a flying jalapeno - 1, 2, no. "What?" T grabs the hair - wants the reverse heel kick but H ducks it - T blocks the clothesline - T off the ropes, but H catches him in a spinebuster! Referee "Blind" Charles Robinson puts on the count - both men up at 3. H with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, into the ropes, T ducks, but H hits the high knee. H ducks a clothesline - and hits the hangman's neckbreaker for HIS first 2 count. Right hand by H - right, clothesline and T goes outside. H leaves the ring and meets him with a running lariat. T rolled back in - but before H can come back in, CHRISTIAN is out and attacking from behind - SLOP DROP ON THE FLOOR!! Christian rolls H back in...and T covers - 1, 2, NO!! Christian is a little upset about this. T consults his hand - gutshot - off the ropes, axe kick MISSES - H gutshot, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, head down, H with the facebuster. T rolls out. Christian tries to hit the ring, but Robinson sees him this time and won't let him in. Well now STEPHANIE CAN'T ACT bounces out and tries to grab Christian's ankle - SHE's on the apron - slap! Christian grabs HER - she screams - H to the rescue, shoving Christian off the apron - and taking GREAT exception to his wife's presence at ringside. *T* up from behind - forearm to H, collision with Stephanie, H backs into a schoolboy with a tights pull for good measure - 1, 2, 3! BOOKER T WINS! (5:07) Stephanie...EMOTES! H walks on by, leaving her to screech two steps behind. The Countdown Sez: 7 Weeks to WrestleMania! Thanks, Skittles! Moments Ago, Two Paragraphs Ago During the Break, Stephanie...EMOTES! Triple H slams the door on her. "Hunter! I was trying to help you, I'm SORREEEEEE....I'm SORRY! ... open this door! OPEN THIS DOOR!! I luv you!" H opens the door... "I didn't - I didn't mean it, I was only trying to..." ...hands her her luggage and high heels... (ooh, handing her heels - SYMBOLIC! SEE HE'S HANDING HER THE HEEL eh shaddup) "Hunter, Hunter, I was only trying to help you..." ...and slams the door again. Steffo gets SCREECHY AND SOBBY and wow people will sure keep the channel right where it is with THAT on KURT ANGLE (with Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown!) v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN to determine the #1 Contender - Creative Crowd adds "What?" to the "You Suck" chant. Austin wastes little time getting into the ring and getting this match underway - block, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, no Angle rakes the eyes. Angle right, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes, Austin ducks, ducks again, Angle tries the leapfrog but Austin catches him in a powerslam - 1, 2, NO! Actually, Angle didn't kick out in time, but referee "Blind" Earl Hebner helpfully pulls up before 3 anyway. Austin wants the Stunner - Angle catches the ankle and tries the Anglelock, Austin rolls Angle up using his legs - 1, 2 no. Angle up with a right, right, right, whip is reversed, Angle ducks, Austin press! Eight rights, off the ropes with the Fuck You elbow, 1, 2, kickout. Angle put into the ropes, no, it's reversed - and Angle catches Austin with a belly-to-belly suplex! 1, 2, Austin kicks out! Angle stomps. "You Suck What" chant starts up again. Say...is it just me or does Hebner's hair look *a lot* different than it did before his vacation? Angle with a right, right, right, right, right. Into the opposite corner and Austin hits hard. Angle with another hard whip into the corner - and again Austin's back takes the blow against the turnbuckle. Angle right - whip is REVERSED, but Angle pops out with a clothesline - and gets 2! I gotta say, Hebner's near falls are SO obvious...to the point of being distracting. It's almost...I mean, I can't watch Hebner; he is detracting from the enjoyment of my match, yep. Angle right - into the ropes - but Austin catches him with a BIG-TIME spinebuster than even whips *Austin* back to the mat. Both men are down and the count is on - Austin manages to make his way to a cover - 1, 2, Angle kicks out! Give that a wwfshopzone.com Replay! Austin sets up the suplex - but Angle goes down the back, grabs the waistlock and hits the German Suplex! Angle keeps his fingers locked - that's TWO! Angle wants three - Austin DOESN'T want three - Angle wins the battle - THREE! Angle wants *four* - Austin finally manages to put together enough back elbows (3) to get Angle to release the hold. Austin puts Angle on the top turnbuckle - BIG chop from Austin! Chop! Chop! Chop, slap, chop, slap, chop, slap, chop, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, climbing up after him...superplex coming up? Austin BITING him...(or calling a spot)...yow! Austin with a foot on the TOP rope - SUPERPLEX!!! 1, 2, ANGLE KICKS OUT! Angle rolls out - he needs a breather - Austin wants to stay on him...and catches up on the ramp - chop, chop. Angle swings and misses - Austin right, right, right, put back in the ring - Angle tries to roll out again, and again Austin follows him out. Austin lifts up Angle...and cracks his jaw on the STEEL steps. Austin puts Angle back in - and AGAIN Angle rolls outside! Austin grabs him again - head to the OTHER set of STEEL steps. Back in the ring - Angle reverses a whip into the corner, but Austin steps aside and Angle goes shoulder-first into the ringpost! Give THAT a wwfshopzone.com Replay as Austin puts Angle back in the ring. Stomp, what, what, what, what, what, what. Right, right, Hebner tries to pull him off...Austin shoves him away, and while he doesn't get DQ'd, Angle DOES get to sneak in a big ol' kick to the nuts while Hebner isn't looking. (Did you see how they set this up earlier in the night with the van Dam/Regal match? No? How about after I pointed it out?) Angle goes outside and grabs a chair. Hebner is rather prominently displaying his unhappiness with the rulebreaking turn this match is about to take, but Angle slides the chair in nonetheless. Oops, took too long - Austin has the chair - but wait, maybe that's what Angle wants? After first hiding behind Hebner, Angle changes his mind and DARES Austin to pop him one. Angle points to his chin - oh man, I think he's being a little too obvious about the whole thing. So Austin slides the chair away and slaps him in the chin instead. Stomp, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what. KICK WHAM NO Angle shoves Austin away - right into Hebner, who collapses like a sack of oranges. Angle gets his smarts back, grabs the chair - WHACK! RIGHT IN THE HANDS - I MEAN HEAD! ONE IN THE BACK! ANOTHER IN THE BAC!K TO THE KNEE BRACE! TO THE OTHER KNEE BRACE! MAN THOSE KNEE BRACES ARE NOISY! One more in the butt! Angle tosses the chair outside and falls down, pantomiming fatigue. Angle hooks a leg - 1, 2, JESUS CHRIST HEBNER YOUR COUNTS SUCK TONIGHT. Angle tries one more cover - 1, 2, NO! Angle mounts him - right, right, right, right, right. DOWN COME THE STRAPS!! ANGLELOCK! Austin is feeling it...but manages to crawl to the ropes and grab the bottom rope. Angle pulls him back!! Austin tries to use his other leg to break free but fails. Austin FINALLY grabs another bottom rope - this time Angle breaks. "Get your ass up, Austin!" Angle picks him up - OLYMPIC SLAM!! 1, 2, foot on the rope, Hebner pulls up like it's another near fall even though his shoulders didn't budge - WAY TO GO, DUMBASS. Poor Angle gets up and celebrates DESPITE all this happening - I guess he's not listening for a count, but he DIDN'T feel Austin's shoulders budge for three seconds. Big celebration in the corner and taunting the fans - and to add insult to injury, Angle is apparently SO deaf, he doesn't notice the complete failure of his music to play. Hebner tells him "Bullshit, there was a foot on the rope" - shoving/pointing to WWF patch match ensues, which Austin breaks up with the good ol' KICK WHAM STUNNER - 1, 2, 3 - man, Angle was robbed, I tell ya. (10:27) Not their finest match, I'm sad to say. Beer me, beer me again, MR. JERICHO is out but Austin gives *him* KICK WHAM STUNNER - oh MAN it'll be SWEET when Jericho wins AGAIN. Play his music! Beer me, beer me, no I don't want that one, beer me again. Raw Zone credits are up, it's 11 after and we're desperately out of time - SEE YA! Hmm, where WAS the Rock? That's twice in three weeks...how much saving can one movie need?