QUICK QUOTE: WWF 14.75 (- .36, last year: 13.60, two years ago: 16 3/4)
Is it just a coincidence that we're a year out from the historic simulcast
that saw the end of WCW As We Knew It? Well, actually, yes...but it's
still interesting to note.
Have you ever SEEN someone so in love with an idea that no matter what
happened to suggest it was a bad idea, they were still bound and
determined, by God, to follow that course of action? And that that idea
with which they were so in love came first to the detriment of everything
else - including all the normally good and important OTHER ideas that
SHOULD be shining bright at this point in time? I'm being a little vague
here, so let me spell it out again: I'm still miffed that WrestleMania has
still seemed to have been relegated to "afterthought" status in the grand
scheme of things - and I still have trouble believing that there are
people who have spent an entire year in steadfast resolution that *they
can actually come out of this making DOUBLE the money, if only they could
just finally execute that damn idea* (with which they're so in love,
mind).
Ah, so. The die is cast, blah blah blah. I had a point but I lost it so
long ago - let's just take this ride and see where it ends up, k?
TONIGHT: "It will be a historic night tonight live here on The New TNN on
WWF RAW from Penn State University, because tonight, and you're looking
live in two respective war rooms of Mr. McMahon and Ric Flair - the first
ever draft to extend the brands - to an exclusive RAW roster and an
exclusive SmackDown! roster, will be held tonight, King, but that's not
all." Wow, listen to Jim Ross pump this up with all the passion and
emotion of...say, Edwin Newman. Anyway, there's also a Triple Threat match
for the Undisputed Championship but I bet I'll be able to say more about
that in ten minutes or so...
T(O)N(I)G(HT): "Violations" - the one where Rick Berman no doubt said "You
know, we need a RAPE episode. But be sure and couch it in one of those
Trekian metaphor things so nobody gets offended!" Man, this is probably
one of Picard's most pompous and unnecessary show-closing speeches. This
episode was SO not necessary...even given all those shots of Troi in her
nightgown.
TV-14-DLV - CC - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Oh man, nothing - NOTHING says "passion, spark and excitement" than starting
this historic show RIGHT off the bat with......LINDA McMAHON!! Live from
the Prime Time Studios - she addresses an assembled locker room...and you
'n' me! "Good evening. Tonight, we will witness the first-ever World
Wrestling Federation draft - Vince McMahon will represent SmackDown!; Ric
Flair will represent RAW. In the interest of time, only twenty picks will
actually be made live tonight. A lottery will be held immediately
following RAW on WWF.com to determine placement of all other World
Wrestling Federation performers. The result of tonight's historic draft
becomes effective on next week's RAW. However, because of the Triple
Threat WWF Championship match, neither Triple H, Chris Jericho, nor
Stephanie McMahon is eligible to be drafted. And due to a contractual
clause, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not eligible to be drafted either. Mr.
Austin is therefore declared a free agent, able to sign with either
SmackDown! or RAW. Thank you for your attention this evening, and best of
luck to ALL World Wrestling Federation superstarzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Ohh sorry I dozed off there. I think I got her entire statement...
Wait - we're NOT seeing Stone Cold Steve Austin - AGAIN? Man, that's
MONEY, baby - MONEY
Opening Credits
It's DRAFT PYRO and off we go - coming to you LIVE from the Bryce Jordan
Center on the campus of Penn State University 25.3.2 on THE NEW TNN & the
crappy old TSN, THIS is WWF RAW! This show is transmitido en espanol SAP
as well as WWF New York
TONIGHT: Triple H vs. Stephanie McMahon vs. Chris Jericho in a Triple
Threat for the Undisputed WWF Championship! If Triple H scores the fall,
Stephanie leaves town - dare we dream...the impossible dream
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY.
LOOK! AN EXCITING PODIUM!
TAZZZZZZZZZZZ (with "Forceable Entry" CD cover - available tomorrow!) v.
MR. PERFECT - Amazingly, we start out with...why, I do believe this
resembles a MATCH! Nice catch on the towel toss by referee "Blind" Brian
Hebner there. Fortunately for us, however, Perfect grabs the mic to
prevent us from going through promo withdrawl: "Hold on, everybody.
Tonight you people are gonna see an example...the perfect pick. You know
who that is that's me" and he punks out Tazz in mid-sentence with an elbow.
Right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed - Perfect up and over, NICE
dropkick. Chop, right, right, Tazz reverses, kick, kick, kick, kick,
right, right, right, Perfect to the eyes. Into the ropes is reversed by
Tazz - head down so Perfect does a Martel cartwheel out of the way - so
Tazz clotheslines him instead. T-Bone Tazzplex. Tazz climbs in the corner
- but Perfect gives him an atomic drop before we get to a Countalong.
Perfectplex (!) but Tazz hooks the bottom rope with his arm - Perfect back
to work - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, right, chop, right, Tazz
right, right, Perfect, Tazz, Perfect, Tazz, Perfect - Perfect backs up and
delivers a running forearm. Tazz with a knee, right, into the corner is
reversed, collision in the corner - Tazzmission out of NOWHERE and Perfect
has to tap. Given the participants, I may have set my expectations to
high. (1:53) "Hey, it seems to me that the Perfect Pick has become JUST
ANOTHER VICTIM." And *that's* the cherry on top.
In Ric Flair's War Room, Arn Anderson and Ric Flair talk abou how clever
Vince McMahon is. Flair says they're not backing down - the whole world
may think they can't handle this, but HE'LL show them!
In Mr. McMahon's War Room, Vince thoughtfully taps his pen to his
desk...then gets up to leave, leaving open a file folder with a promotional
photo of Kurt Angle in plain view of the camera....which can only mean he's
picking anybody BUT Angle, right?
So each man makes ten picks and everybody else has to rely on someone
picking an egg out of the Royal Rumble tumbler? Boy, I'll bet THAT's a
morale booster!
You know, this thing about Austin - if he really IS unhappy about his
direction, there's gonna be some crowing about it from some web folk, and
it's gonna suck. If it's all a work, then the WWF is booking to swerve the
websites...a strategy that worked SO WELL when it played out on Nitro.
Either way, I don't like it.
Catch the WWF live - tomorrow in Philadelphia is sold out! Wednesday is
Wilkes Barre, Thursday is E. Rutherford, RAW is Albany, and next Tuesday is
Rochester!
Here comes BILLIONAIRE VINCE to make the first pick. The tension in the
air is...deflated by the "asshole" chant. "Thank you very much for that
warm Penn State reception. Since I (Vince McMahon) defeated Ric Flair in
the coin toss, it is my distinction to choose the very first individual -
the first individual in the history of the World Wrestling Federation to be
drafted. The #1 Pick comes to me (Vince McMahon). So on behalf of WWF
SmackDown!, I (Vince McMahon) choose....The Rock." Reaction shot from the
locker room...and he's gonna walk out here.
Graphic: THE ROCK - 6'5" 275 lbs. - 6-Time WWF Champion - Youngest WWF
Champion ever
And now THE ROCK is out. Vince quickly cuts the music. "All right, okay,
cut the music, cut the music. All right, Rock, just a couple of things I
gotta get off my chest. You are the #1 draft pick chosen by me, that's all
well and good, but there're gonna be some new rules on SmackDown!, Rock.
Those new rules would include you never ever again on SmackDown!, ever put
your hands on me. On SmackDown!, you never ever again talk about shoving
your foot or whatever the case may be up anyone's candyass. Never again on
WWF SmackDown! do you ever use the phrase 'It Doesn't Matter.'" Is Vince
staring at a teleprompter? His eyes aren't moving from the same spot.
"Because, Rock, it does matter - it matters to me, you see, it matters to
me that you and your newfound friend Hulk Hogan, quite frankly, have a lot
in common. ("Ass hole!") Now, come on. Rock's my #1 pick, don't call him
names like that! See, what matters is you and Hogan have these massive
egos - you gotta remember one thing, Rock - Vince McMahon, I made Hulk
Hogan. (Sign in crowd: THIS IS STUPID) And Rock, quite frankly (2) I'd like
to remind you, I made YOU, Rock, as well. Oh yeah. And uh, to paraphrase
a well-known comedian, Rock, just remember this: I brought you into this
world, I can damn sure take you out of it." Uhhh, Vince, Mr. Cosby's
lawyers on the phone. "Thank you very much!" Vince goes to leave -
where'd Rock get that mic?
"WhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoaWHOA! Are you
done? Are you through running your mouth? Because, if so, FINALLY THE
ROCK HAS COME BACK TO PENN STATE! Vince McMahon, you made The Rock your #1
draft pick - you're takin' the Rock from RAW, takin' the Rock to SmackDown!
And seein' is this is gonna be the Rock's very last RAW, well the Rock
wants to go out with a bang. Very last RAW - let the Rock remind you of
the history the Rock has made right here on RAW. It was on RAW that the
Rock WON the WWF title. It was on RAW that the Rock teamed up with Mick
Foley and made the Rock & Sock Connection. Oh yeah, you're looking at the
Rock like big deal right, that's no big deal, yeah, WWF title, Rock and
Sock Connection, how about this - it was on RAW when the Rock took your
face, and shoved it straight up Rikishi's ass! ("Rock E!") And now you
wanna take the Rock away from all of this. Is that what you wanna do - do
you really wanna take the Rock away from this?" "What I wanna do, Rock--"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER what you want! The only thing that matters is the Rock
clear up a couple things to you - is you never made Hulk Hogan. And you
damn sure didn't make the Rock - the Rock didn't even make the Rock - the
Rock's parents genitalia did not even make the Rock!" OH MAN HE SAID
GENITALIA!!!! "Just so you understand, crystal clear, it was the People
who made the Rock." "Rock E!" "And speaking of the People, listening to
the People as the Rock always does, seeing as we are here at Penn
State...the home of the Nittany Lions...and the Rock, the Rock has had the
privlege of playing right over at Beaver Stadium at many different a
nights...so, you see, the Rock just wants to remind you of something - when
you mess with the Rock on SmackDown!, you mess with the people on
SmackDown! But you see, they have a little saying up here, and it goes
like this. We are..." "Penn State!" "It goes like that. But, see, yeah,
you have that stupid look on your face, like (gibberish) I don't understand
- well, you will understand. You see, tonight, we're gonna do a different
saying. The People's Chant, and the People, we're gonna do a different
saying. And it goes like this: any time you mess with the Rock, tonight,
every night, every arena across the country, this side will say 'You are,"
THIS side will say 'an asshole.' Let me give you a little example of what
it sounds like - on the count of three - 1, 2, 3." Crowd chants like a
bunch of morons. "Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa
- whoa whoa - this is Vince McMahon - you have pride - you keep that
sumbitch goin'!" Oh boy, surely chants = ratings! Play his music as it
dies down - wait he's not done -
"whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa - cut the Rock's music, cut
the Rock's music, this is the Rock's last appearance on RAW, we don't end
with that, we end with this, IF YA SUHMELLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS
COOKIN'" Maybe I'll just skip SmackDown! from now on
Ric Flair is WALKING! And SMILING!
Here comes RIC FLAIR to the podium. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Despite my personal differences, I pick a man who is a cornerstone of the
World Wrestling Federation. My #1 draft pick for WWF RAW is The
Undertaker." Everybody in the locker room turns to look at Taker. "Thank
you." Taker tosses some furniture and walks away.
UNDERTAKER - 6'10", 328 lbs. - 3-Time WWF Champion - 10-0 at WrestleMania
In his war room, Vince reacts with unhappiness. Knock at the door.
"Yeah..." It's Kurt Angle and he is also unhappy. "Can you believe that?"
"No, I can't believe it - I can't believe it! I mean, I can't believe you
hurt my feelings." "What?" "You didn't pick me first? I cannot believe
you didn't pick me first. I'm an Olympic Gold Medalist - I'm the best you
have!" "Kurt, I know who the hell you are. I mean - look, I mean, I can't
believe that Ric Flair chose the Undertaker, that's what I'm saying. As
far as I'm concerned, hey look, I threw Flair a swerve out there, and he
just threw one back at me. I'm gonna make it right to you, all right?"
Taker storms in. "Vince! Damn! What is this crap?! You told me that
this wouldn't happen - did you or did you not tell me Flair would not pick
me?" "I told you. I don't have any idea what's in his head. I don't have
a clue." "No, I wanna know what you're gonna do about it." "I - quite
frankly (3), I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just know this: in some way
- in some way, I'm gonna make this right - and you've got my word on it."
"I got your word on it. Well this better be one time that you keep your
word...if you know what I mean." Vince does a comedic fulp for dramatic
benefit - unfortunately, the framing of the shot prevented us from seeing
whether Taker grabbed himself or not.
KING EDGE (with "Forceable Entry" CD cover - and Let Us Take You Back to
SmackDown!) and DR. TEETH v. CHRISTIAN (with Let Us Take You Back to
SmackDown!) and BOOKER TIO - the
Apparently, we're supposed to call him "DDP" now and not "Diamond Dallas
Page" - at least according to the chyron and ring flowerpot LILIAN GARCIA.
Ross has said it about a hundred times in the past two minutes - here also
is a graphic telling us that live lottery results are available at wwf.com
(live, that is, on the east coast - I'm screwed). Edge and T start trading
blows in the centre of the ring - Edge takes over right, right, right,
right, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, whip is reversed but T runs into
a boot, ducks an apron run clothesline by Christian, knocks him to the
floor, but T handles the distraction with a superkick. Tag to Christian,
open right hand, forearm in the back, into the ropes, powerslam - and
Christian gets 2. Edge fires back - right, right, right, Christian right,
right, off the ropes, Edge spinebuster and both men are down. Herb Kunze
has asked me to tell you that it's one minute in and they're acting like
it's been fifteen. Page riles up the crowd for the HOT TAG - T tagged in -
Page ducks, right, right, discus lariat, free shot for Christian, ducks the
Harlem sidekick, wants the Diamond Cutter but T shoves him to Christian for
a hot shot - T consults his glove and tries for the axe kick but Page ducks
out, spins T round for the Diamond Cutter - 1, 2, Christian saves.
Unprettier by Christian on Page!! Edge into the ring with a Viscera kick
and again they're back outside - Edge working him over - meanwhile, T DOES
hit the axe kick, and covers for the pin. (LA 2:13) Christian does the
happy dance.
In the war room, Angle reads his bio to Vince. "I know where you're goin'
with this, okay? Look...just let me collect my thoughts. I've gotta
figure out Ric Flair's next move. If Flair - if Flair chose the
Undertaker, then why wouldn't he choose my NWO next?" "Mr. McMahon, forget
about the NWO. Ric Flair is gonna choose me next. I'm an Olympic Gold
Medalist! I mean, think about this - Ric Flair picked the Undertaker
because of a personal vendetta." "That's a good point." "And he doesn't
want poison from the NWO." "No, I think you're right." "But what he DOES
want...is an Olympic Gold Medalist. And I don't wanna work for Ric Flair,
I wanna work for you, 'cause I LIKE you. We're good together, we're a
team. We're chums." "Ric Flair is not gonna get what he wants, because as
of this moment, on behalf of WWF SmackDown!, I (Vince McMahon), in my
second pick, I choose Kurt Angle." Angle throws his arms around Vince for
a big hug. "YES! Aww...beautiful. Oh, I love it - love you, man."
"Yeah, right - yeah." Angle points a finger. "But I should have been
picked first."
Commentators react. So did Vince suddenly realise there was a cameraman or...
Well I guess Flair saw it at least - he's back out to the podium. "While I
appreciate McMahon's - what he thinks ability to sign Steve Austin is, I
want everyone here to know that I will work as diligently as I can to bring
Stone Cold to the WWF brand. Meanwhile, Vince, as they say in chess, it's
your move next, because on behalf of WWF RAW, my second pick is the
collective unit of the NWO." I missed where Vince talked about Austin but
oh well.
Locker room reacts with boredom
Graphic: nWo - KEVIN NASH 6'11" 325 lbs. SCOTT HALL 6'7" 282 lbs. X-PAC
6'0" 212 lbs.
Vince reacts. "DAMMIT I said Ric Flair was gonna choose the NWO, didn't I.
Didn't I say that! That son of a bitch, he's got the NWO, he's got the
Undertaker, I'll tell you one thing - he's not gonna get Austin, Austin's a
free agent and SOMEHOW I'm gonna sign him - I'm gonna sign Stone Cold."
Vince knocks the "Prop What Sits on the Desk for the sole Purpose of Vince
Hitting It Away In Anger" off his desk...in anger! "Vince, listen, calm
down a little bit, okay? Now Ric Flair wants to throw you off your game, I
say you throw him off his game. See, there's someone that hasn't been
around for a while - but he's comin' back soon. And he's gonna come back
bigger, stronger, faster and better than ever...and I know Ric Flair's
talkin' to him every single day. I just saw the guy last week - he's
ready." He whispers in Vince's ear (why - surely Angle doesn't see the
cameraman?) Vince ponders what he's heard. "On behalf of WWF SmackDown!,
I choose...Chris Benoit." Quickly we fade out before we can hear the
smarks in the crowd gasp "OH MY GOD CHRIS BENOIT DID HE SAY CHRIS BENOIT I
LUV CHRIS BENOIT I WANT TO MARRY CHRIS BENOIT CHRIS BENOIT CHRIS BENOIT
CHRIS BENOIT"
I think this was the point where Frank called to tell me that everything
bad that COULD happen was happening - unfortunately, he was watching the
east coast feed, so in addition to being a spoiling spoiler, he also
simulteanously lowered my expectations! (Well, not much)
Funny, I thought Frank LIKED Benoit (wink).
Okay, now tell me again why Vince is so unhappy that the "poisonous" NWO is
NOT on his show? Wouldn't he WANT them on his show?
Also, why would Flair pick the NWO?
Also, why would Flair pick the Undertaker? Well, sure, because he's
awesome, but...
"Scorpion King" ad - with the Famous Rock
Check out that *exciting* Bryce Jordan Center marquee! WOW!
The side video screens display the current slate of picks on each side -
Ross openly admits he doesn't understand what the hell Flair's thinking
In Flair's war room, the NWO has arrived. "You think you're so smart,
Flair - you think you've got it all figured out? Well, you know what -
we're the NWO - you can't tell us what to do. Vince McMahon brought us in
- that's who we listen do. Know what I mean?" 'Pac fingers Flair's lapel.
"Don't go there. Listen, I'm gonna say something and make it so clear even
you guys can understand. You're the poison in the World Wrestling
Federation, in no way, shape or form am I gonna let Vince McMahon lead the
way for you guys - you guys work for me." Nash: "Maybe you don't hear
X-Pac right, Ric. We don't work for you, we only listen to Vince." In
comes Arn Anderson. "Let's go Ric, you're up. It's your pick." "Okay,
guys, I've appreciated the conversation but we've got plenty of time to get
together in the future and talk a little bit more about this. Right now if
you don't mind--" Hall: "Hey hey hey, wait a minute Flair. You don't blow
the NWO off like that. You're dealing with us right now, right here."
"Well, in that case, I'm gonna introduce someone to you guys you should be
very interested in knowing - gonna be my next pick. He's gonna be dealin'
with you guys directly. My next pick is Kane." The NWO react with...well,
not exactly "fear" - more like...well, let me consult the
thesaurus..."dashed hopes." Yeah, that's it. They leave. "Temperature
changed a little bit, didn't it." Sadly, Flair failed to tell X-Pac he's
won more world championships than he's had pieces of ass.
TRISH S
TRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (with RAW is brought to you by Tobacco,
which is Whacko, Arista Records' Custom's "Fast" CD, and Mint Skittles!) v.
IVORY - Ivory starts off fast with a kick, right, right, into the ropes, head
down, kick by Trish that misses by a mile - Trish with a hairpull takedown,
anotehr, and another, crossbody, hooks the leg, 2. Ivory counters with a
jawbreaker. Right, right, Lawler thinks Jazz is ugly - into the ropes is
reversed, back body drop by Stratus. Elbow, elbow, elbow, chop, chop,
chop, into the corner is reversed, Trish tries to jump up for a crossbody
but Ivory ducks. Nice dropkick by Ivory, stomp, stomp, stomp. Ivory opens
every orifice in Stratus' face. Forearm across the chest. Two handfuls of
hair - that's a revenge move for Ivory. Stomp, stomp, going up but Trish
heads her off with right hand. Trish does a handstand on the bottom rope
and Ivory helpfully catches her and sets up (with a tap on the kneees) for
a modified Frankensteiner. There's the Stratusfaction - that's her move!
1, 2, 3. (2:11) Two minute special, two minute special, two minute
special, and THIS match had the added attraction of having some of the most
blatantly UNdisguised signals I've seen in a loooong time on WWF television.
The locker room chatters amongst themselves.
Here comes Vince to the podium. This is about as exciting as you thought
it'd be, by the way. "On behalf of WWF SmackDown!...on behalf of
SmackDown!, I choose..." Vince helpfully turns his head to and fro to feed
the new chant. Vince goes to leave, but comes back to bellow "I CHOOSE
HULK HOGAN!"
Graphic: HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN 6'7" 280 lbs. 5-Time WWF Champion, 7-Time
WCW Champion
We come back to watch Vince play air guitar to Hendrix - then hit some
Hoganesque poses before swaggering off. Hogan doesn't show - oh well
Divas 2002 Swimsuit Issue ad
Here comes Flair to the podium. "Ladies and gentlemen, the RAW brand is
proud to announce its necks - next draft pick is the intercontinental
champion - Rob van Dam. Thank you."
Graphic: ROB VAN DAM - 6'1" 235 lbs. - 3-Time WWF Hardcore Champion -
Current WWF Intercontinental Champion
To Vince's War Room. "Dammit - dammit dammit." "What's wrong, you're on a
roll." "No, yeah, I'm on a roll...so is Flair! I mean, I wanted RVD for
SmackDown!" "When did you become such an RVD fan?" "Look, I'm not such a
great RVD fan, but he's an extraordinary athlete, but...he's got
unbelievable potential, but the most important thing is he has the
intercontinental championship - that's what I wanted for us on SmackDown!"
"Hello! Hello..." "What?" "If you want the intercontinental title, I can
get you the intercontinental title. All you have to do is sanction a match
between me and RVD tonight, and I'll bring the title back to Camp McMahon.
That simple." Angle does the "that's that" hand brush to emphasize his
point. "That's brilliant!" A handshake. "Kurt - that's brilliant." "All
right, man, I'm going to get ready." "You do that. That's why you're the
#2 draft pick...maybe you SHOULD have been #1..."
To the locker room, where Rock is still pacing. Here's Hogan. "What's up,
brother." Rock gives him another handshake. "How you feelin'?" "Good, my
friend. I heard what you said out there. And it made me do a lot of
feeling. The People DID make the Rock - but the People also made Hulk
Hogan." Rock with a BAFFLING shit-eatin' grin. "No doubt. They did."
"And as you remember just like I do, last week The Rock was powerbombed
through a table, and then the whole NWO blasted me in the face with a steel
chair. So the way I see it, Rock - since we've both been drafted by Vince
McMahon, I say tonight let's give these people something to remember us by
on RAW. This is our last night on RAW. Let's have the Rock and Hulk Hogan
take on the whole NWO, I'm talkin' about Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and X-Pac,
handicap match, the Rock and Hulk Hogan. What do you say, brother?" "The
Rock and Hulk Hogan, handicap match tonight against the NWO, powerbombed
the Rock through a table on SmackDown!, bleeding...last Thursday, bleeding.
Well the Rock says this: let's give these people something to remember,
let's go out with a bang. There's no other way. The Rock says this: what
they gonna do? WHAT they gonna do when the Rock and Hulk Hogan - what is
the NWO gonna do when we run wild on you?" (in Hogan voice) "I'll TELL you
what we're gonna do - we're gona lay the smack down on ALL their
candyasses, brother - let's do it!" Another hand slap and they go out arm
in arm. Hey, remember when Hulk Hogan ran a semi into the Rock's
ambulance? NO, YOU DON'T - NOBODY DOES (except Tom)
Here's Vince at the podium yet again - what pick are we on? I've
forgotten. "On behalf of WWF SmackDown!, I (Vince McMahon) choose the tag
team champions of the World Wrestling Federation, Billy and Chuck!"
Locker room reaction - Rico has spontaneously grown sideburns between
Thursday and now.
BILLY & CHUCK - Combined weight: 538 lbs. - Current WWF tag team champions!
Commentators explain how these guys could be picked with one pick...gee, I
wish they'd thought to explain that to me earlier.
The NWO is WALKING! 'Pac has brought back his nunchuku YAY
Tough Enough 2 spot - ALICIA'S gonna - she's gonna - SHE'S gonna - she's -
she's gonna PYOOOOOOK - also somebody gets cut - Jesse or Alicia is
implied, which probably means it'll more like Robert
WWF RAW for the Xbox ad YAY I saw Austin tonight! Wow I sure miss seeing
Austin wrestle
Whoops, we're in the middle of the Lugz Boot of the Week when we returun -
it's Hogan running out--
Oops, black screen.
Okay, NOW we start with the Boot of the Week from the very beginning. From
SmackDown!, Rock gets the jackknife through the table, Hogan runs out and
drops his leg on everything, but then X-Pac chairs him. Man, trading Hogan
for X-Pac is one of the BESTEST MOVES EVER when you think about it, isn't
it?
YOU KNOW WHO and THE
ROCK (with RAW credits & transmitido en espanol SAP) v. THE NWO - Well,
he's standing next to a mountain - chop it down with the edge of his hand.
Hogan needs THREE feather boas! So much for the "They'll play 'Real
American' when they're out of Canada" theory, huh? You know, I just
noticed this about the black 'n' white NWO entrance...wow, all those strobe
lights really work well to provide the illusion of MOVEMENT ahh ah ah ah
ah. Sometimes I regret not doing audio commentary just so you can hear me
pretend to laugh at my own jokes like I typed - ahh ah ah ah ah. Q: Say,
what's better than giving away the Backlash main event? A: Giving it away
two weeks in a row, silly! The TV-14-DLV & CC boxes make their appearance
at this point. X-Pac and Hogan start. Doesn't he look CUTE in his little
biker shorts? Lockup - Hogan tosses him over the top rope to the
floor...and poses. Well this bodes well. 'Pac back in - to tag out to
Hall. Let's try again. Lockup, Hogan shoves him away - and poses again.
Hall puts the toothpick in his face and tags in Nash. Here's the WWF draft
ticker for the first time tonight, in case Hogan isn't really satiating
your appetite for action. It would be cynical of me to suggest that
"Hogan" chant has a Canadian accent so I won't. Lockup, back and forth -
*Nash* pushes Hogan away! OFF COMES THE 'DO RAG! Lockup, knee by Nash,
elbow in the back, right, right, forearm in the back - ohhh NO SALE - block
by Hogan, right, right, right, off the ropes, big right, to the unfriendly
corner for a double noggin knocker, right for Nash, clothesline in the
corner, into the ropes head down, Nash responds with a clubbing forearm in
the back. Tag to 'Pac - forearm in the back, forearm, drops the fist on
the sternum, lighitning legdrop, 1, 2, Hogan kicks out with authority.
Right by 'Pac, to the corner, tag to Hall, right by Hall, right, right, Pac
with a sneaky shot as well. Into the ropes, Hogan ducks the clothesline -
double clothesline and both men are down. Crowd comes alive as Rock
gesticulates for the tag. Nash with the tag - Nash content to just stand
there and let Hogan tag out - maybe he WANTS the Rock? Rock ducks the
clothesline, right, right, right, right, off the ropes, ducks a
clothesline, ducks an backhand, flying clothelsine hits! Hall in - Rock
gives HIM a gutshot and DDT - X-Pac with a forearm in the back, crane pose,
but Rock kips up - right, right, right, crane, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT! ROCK
BOTTOM for Nash! But glory HOGan needs the tag...and Rock is dumb enough
to give it to him. Well he doesn't turn on him -
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" on Hall, leaving him for Rock's
spinebuster into sharpshooter as Hogan drops the leg on Nash - 1, 2, X-Pac
breaks it up! Also, 'Pac gives Rock a spinning heel kick and drops the
knee, pounds on Hogan, pounds on Rock - Hall stomps on Rock while Nash
punches away on Hogan. 'Pac's got the 'chuks...but the pyro hits, the
music hits and KANE is out. 'Pac tries a swing but Kane ducks -
clotheslines him out (oh hell), clothesline for Hall, eats one from Nash,
but into the ropes is reversed and Nash gets the big elbow. Referee
"Blind" Jack Doan has been frantically motioning to the timekeeper for the
last ten seconds and FINALLY gets that bell. (DQ 5:04) Choke for Hall -
but before he can chokeslam him 'Pac chairs him in the back. NO SALE!
Kane kicks the chair into 'Pac's face. Hogan punches Nash and Nash rolls
under the bottom rope - this leaves Rock and Hall (Hogan pantomiming) -
Rock right, right, right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT - Kane grabs him in the choke
- THERE'S the chokeslam. The NWO heads to the aisle as Garcia announces
the winners via disqualification. Kane's ring pyro and music cuts short
the NWO music, but 'Pac still has the ref raise their hands in a token of
victory.
Three NWO main events - three Nitro finishes. Not to make comparisons or
anything, yuk yuk.
TONIGHT: A Triple Threat for the Undisputed WWF Championship - and Jim Ross
smells a rat!
Vince pays a visit to Flair's war room. "Well well well - if it isn't Ric
Flair, the man who's in charge of WWF RAW. You STOLE the Undertaker form
me! You stole NWO from me! And for all I know, Kane, the man you just
chose, you sent him down to the ring just a minute ago! What's going on in
that demented mind of yours, Ric Flair?" "I've told this once, I've told
you a thousand times, I don't have to explain anything to you anymore!
We're fifty/fifty! And the RAW brand is gonna ride on forever without you!
But since you're so fired up about personal projects I'm takin' Booker T
right now, too." "Then I'll take the man who had a huge victory over
Booker T at WrestleMania - I'll take Edge." "Speaking of huge, I'll take
the Big Show." "Oh really. You wanna talk big, I'll tell you what....I'll
take the big cheek, I'll take Rikishi!" "Great. Maybe we'll get to see
him sit that big fat ass on your face again!" McMahon shoves him one...Arn
holds him back as Vince leaves. "We're winning! We're cracking him."
Ummm....have the picks stopped mattering *already*?
JEFF HARDY (with Matt Hardy & Cheata) v. BANDANA BOY BILLY (with Bandana
Boy Chuck & Rico The Stylist) - Lilian almost makes an "at a combined
weight" announcement for this singles match but catches herself just in
time. Check out the clips to admire Rico's Instamuttons! If Jeff Hardy
weighs 218 pounds, I'll eat my hat. Here's the ticker to take your mind
off this wrestling stuff. I should mention picks are listed "1. MR.
McMAHON" and "1. RIC FLAIR" with little TINY show logos right after the big
*important* parts - the NAMES OF FLAIR AND McMAHON. Lockup, to the corner,
kick by Billy, right, right, right, right, right, shoving away referee
"Blind" Mike Chioda, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, blatant choke.
Head to the adjacent buckle. Right. Right, more metaphysical arguments
with Chioda - just what IS a closed fist, anyway? Lottery later on dotcom.
Right. Into the opposite corner, running start and Billy misses - Hardy
right, right, off the ropes with a forearm smash - speaking in tongues
legdrop. Kick, into the opposite corner is reversed, Hardy counters,
managing a swinging DDT (Ross: "hurricane DDT"), climbing up for a swanton
- here comes our outside inteference (NO WAY!) as Chuck is kicked away -
Matt over to pull him back to the floor, conking his head on the apron -
swantonbomb MISSES - Billy directs Rico to grab a tag team title belt -
well here comes Lita with a Cheatacanrana from the apron to the floor - and
bashing her head into the commentary table into the process (OWCH) when she
fails to clamp onto him before following through - meanwhile, Jeff bridges
back on the rollup off the ropes - 1, 2, 3. (1:52) Two minute special,
two minute special, two minute special, two minute special. Lita STILL
holds her head. Ross says it's a good thing it wasn't for the tag team
titles - yeah, it sure would, GOOD OL' JR, 'cause it'd be REALLY WEIRD
seeing the titles on the line in a singles match!
TONIGHT: Rob van Dam v. Kurt Angle for the intercontinental title!
TONIGHT: Triple H v. Stephanie v. Chris Jericho! And JR smells a rat! And
JR smells a rat! And JR smells a rat! And JR **won't shut up** and stop
repeating himself for emphasis!
Big Show shills Stacker 2
"WWF Live - The Moments Are Waiting" promo
Another check of the big board - seven picks for Vince, six for Flair
>From the war room, Flair says he wants the most dominant team in WWF
history - and he'll start with Bubba Ray Dudley.
>From the war room, McMahon - go figure - pounces on D-Von Dudley, making a
funny face in the process.
The Dudleys react with displeasure. There's a handshake and a hug. Say,
how's Team Xtreme get back there so quickly? Perish the thought that this
was....taped earlier!!
Graphix: BUBBA RAY DUDLEY: 6'2" 300 lbs.
D-VON DUDLEY: 6'2" 260 lbs. Each graphic says "6-time WWF tag team
champion, 8-time ECW tag team champion" which is really helpful since
they've each been taken as SINGLES wrestlers....oops
WWF EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP: RIKASHMONEY (with ad for "Clockstopperse Live
Giveaway on TNN" hype) v. WILLIAM REGAL - Well before Regal can even get
halfway down the aisle, BROCK LESNAR & PAUL E. HEYMAN have inVaded the ring - Lesnar giving 'kishi a chance to do
his trademark triple spin flip with a clothesline off the ropes.
Belly-to-belly suplex. Despite the fact that he was announced at 350, GOOD
OL' JR still insists that Lesnar's hefting around "at least 400 pounds" of
Rikishi. There's the - let's call it an Argentinian TKO just for grins.
Heyman raises Lesnar's hand. As we go to ad break, that makes it a (No
contest) and thanks for coming out tonight, Regal!
Check out Times Square - that can only mean we're going inside WWF New York...
...where JAZZZZZZZZZZ awaits. "Well, JR, I'm just waiting. Waiting to see
where some of the WWF Divas end up. Because there's nothing I would like
better than gettin' in the ring with one of them like Trish, or Lita, and
messin' up their pretty little face. And if the people wanna call me a
bitch...fine. What they have to learn is that as WWF Women's Champion,
I'll be the only BITCH appearing on both shows."
As the WWF Draft graphic again takes over the EntertainmentTron, Vince is
out one more time...despite having just taken D-Von Dudley. Vince stokes
the crowd's favourite new chant - I don't know how well this'll work
outside Penn State, by the way. McMahon says he intends to choose Brock
Lesnar...but here's Flair. "It's not your pick." "Ric, I know it's not my
pick, but I've just chosen Brock Lesnar - you get two picks, so go ahead."
"You're not changing the rules, it's my pick...and I pick Brock Lesnar."
OOOH TAG WHAT A COUP ehhhh eh eh. "So what you're looking for here
obviously is potential - I'll choose someone who has every bit the
potential Brock Lesnar does - I'll choose a man who proved himself to be
once again the World's Strongest Man - I'll take Mark Henry." OH MAN WHAT
A COUP "I pick the European Heaveyweight Champion William Regal." We look
to the locker room for a reaction. (Q: Why did we look at Regal and not at
Mark Henry? A: Racism) Regal expresses umbrage - he's loyal to Mr.
McMahon! "It's pretty obvious, Ric, you're going for all the champions,
I'll tell you one you aren't going to get, because this division is going
to SmackDown! - that would be the Hardcore championship division, and I'll
choose Maven." We look to the locker room where nobody is trying to punk
him out for his title. "I think you've got one more pick, Ric, right?" "I
pick Lita." Another reaction. I think Bossman can't believe a woman got
picked before he did! I think Funaki is heartbroken. Also, I think Tajiri
is confused that he has a belt and nobody picked him. HOLY CRAP WHAT
HAPPENED TO RAVEN'S HAIR "Let me get this straight - Ric Flair just chose
in his last pick, he chose a woman - Lita. What the hell's the matter with
you? The only reason why you chose a woman, Ric, is because you are a
lascivious pig. And there's no doubt in my mind right now that you're
gonna turn WWF RAW into a cesspool. I can tell you this - if you think
you're gonna get lucky with Lita, maybe you will, maybe you won't. As far
as the luck of the Irish is concerned
during the lottery after RAW goes off the air on dotcom, you'll know what I
mean. And one other thing...Stone Cold Steve Austin is coming to
SmackDown!, okay? Just for the record. And uh, speaking of SmackDown!, in
the event this Thursday you're gonna lead your RAW guys into the very last
SmackDown they'll ever be on, if they get a little too frisky, believe me,
my guys'll lay the smack down on yours, don't make me prove it." "I think
this tremendous audience has said it best all evening long. You--" This
crowd is probably so happy they get to chant they haven't even noticed
they've paid twenty-five bucks on average to sit there and watch...guys
standing at a podium...all night.
UP NEXT: Intercontinental Championship!
"Scorpion King" ad - again
Big Show stills Stacker 2 - again
Here's a look at the final big boards - SmackDown!: The Rock, Kurt Angle,
Chris Benoit, Hulk Hogan, Billy & Chuck, Edge, Rikishi, D-Von Dudley, Mark
Henry, Maven. RAW: The Undertaker, nWo, Kane, Rob van Dam, Booker T, Big
Show, Bubba Ray Dudley, Brock Lesnar, William Regal, Lita. Lawler
proclaims McMahon an easy winner...there's probably a kernel of truth in
that.
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: KURT ANGLE (with Draft Lottery blurb -
again - and Castrol Motor Oily Presents Backlash!) v. ROB VAN DAM (with
"Forceable Entry" CD cover) - While van Dam displays the belt, Angle grabs
him in a surprise belly-to-belly...but only get 1. Angle right, right,
right, right, kick, kick, kick, right, kick. Into the corner, van Dam up
and overon the charge, tumbling run - Angle runs into the back kick for 2.
Right by van Dam, into the ropes is reversed, Angle catches him in another
great belly-to-belly suplex. Angle stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, WWF
ticker yet again. Angle with a verticle suplex - van Dam flips out (but
stumbles anyway) - Angle catches the kick, ducks the stepover heel kick,
locks the fingers and hits a German suplex, holds on for two, holds on for
THREE, JR smells a rat - Lawler: "You've said that A HUNDRED TIMES already.
I PUT deodorant on!" "Well, you've got that Nicole Kidman shirt on so your
nipples are showing--" "Hey!" "--nobody cares." "What are you doing
looking at Nicole Kidman's nipples?" "This is cable!" Man, Ross needs to
go back to classics like SMELLING YOUR TORSO. van Dam elbows away - backs
Angle to the corner - again - FINALLY breaking the waistlock - overhead
back kick - van Dam connects on Rolling Thunder - 1, 2, foot on the rope.
Angle rakes the face to turn it back around. Right by Angle, right, into
the ropes is reversed, but Angle eats a kick. van Dam going up...Angle
going outside and grabbing the belt. van Dam goes out after him - kick,
right, head to the STEEL steps, rolled back in the ring. van Dam to the
top - but as he comes off with the missile dropkick, Angle puts referee
"Blind" Tim White in the oncoming path! van Dam goes to check on the
zebra, allowing Angle to get under him with the Olympic Slam! Anglelock
applied, but White isn't calling for the bell for a tapout. (DQ 2:54)
After calling White a son of a bitch, he goes back to breaking van Dam's
ankle....until KING EDGE comes out to make the save - ducks a clothesline -
six quick elbows - Edge with a belly-to-belly - waiting for him to get up -
but Angle leapfrogs the SPEAR, lets him hit the buckle and gives him a big
German suplex! DOWN COME THE STRAPS!! Angle wants the Olympic Slam but
Edge lands on his feet - ducks a clothesline, off the rope with the SPEAR!
Edge rains rights on him as the ring fills with REFS. They finally get
them separated as Rob Zombie plays. Replay of Angle's beautiful suplex -
and Edge's spear. This match ALMOST broke the mythical THREE MINUTE
BARRIER
Stephanie McMahon is WALKING! MICHAEL KING COLE catches up to her for a
reaction. She promises she's not going anywhere - in fact, after she wins
the championship, she'll be on BOTH shows. You know....it could happen.
Do all the bleeps in this TNN ad means they're going to air "Beverly Hills
Cop 2" with bleeps instead of with wacky soundalike overdubs? "You (egg
roll)!" "You mother (lover)!" "What the (heck)?" "(Goldang)!"
The WWF Rewind is brought to you by Castrol GTX - Drive Hard! From
SmackDown!, Stephanie shrieks
WWF UNDISPUTED CHAMPIONSHIP: STEFFO CAN'T, WON'T, COULDN'T, SHOULDN'T,
WOULDN'T, HASN'T, DIDN'T, MUSTN'T, AND BELIEVE ME NOW, YOUR HAND ON YOUR
HIP BETTER BE GONE BABY GONE BEFORE THIS NIGHT IS OVER v. CHRIS MONDAY
JERICHO v. THE MAN - JR smells a rat! JR smells a rat! JR smells a rat!
Is this what hell is like? Oh look, Triple H is pouring water all over
himself! The WWF championship belt almost covers up his entire set of
trunks! I actually feel myself becoming more gay by the minute! Ooh,
here's the money shot - SPOOOOOOGE! Entrances sum total to just over five
minutes - oy. H gives Stephanie a hard look as she stands on the apron -
but seeing Jericho creeping up behind him, he turns round to block, right,
right, ring the bell, right, into the ropes, back body drop. Stephanie
decides to head back to the apron at thie time. Jericho right, chop, chop,
into the ropes is reversed, head down, Jericho kicks. Running clothesline
puts H on the outside. Stephanie quickly lies down and encourages the
cover - 1, 2, H manages to pull Jericho out of the ring. H inside -
Stephanie makes a run for it but H catches her - Pedigree attempt - no,
wait, let me do a 180 while Stephanie's in position, so Jericho can pull
her out of the ring - geez, I'm not very smart for being the smartest man
in wrestling! Stephanie and Jericho share a tender moment making sure
they're all right - so H does an alleged baseball slide dropkick (coming
REAL short) but Jericho stlil manages to collide with Stephanie for effect.
H puts Jericho into the STEEL steps, then rolls Stephanie back in the ring.
Stephanie cowers in the corner, but H again has a handful of hair - and
eeeeeever so slowly brings her to her feet - ah, THERE'S Jericho in the
back. Right, chop, into the ropes, dropkick is CAUGHT - and H gives
Jericho the WOW Catapult into Stephanie - and now it's time for Jericho to
play the part of Earthquake while Stephanie plays the part of Sting,
headbutting Jericho in the upper thigh while collapsing to the mat. H
holds his crotch to signify "ouch! That's gotta hurt!" for the
humour-impaired (which I am rapidly becoming) H wants a death suplex -
Jericho backflips out - HE fails to land on his feet just like van Dam did,
but still kicks the leg to trip up H. (GOOD OL' JR: "Jericho landing on
his feet") Seated dropkick. Jericho kicks the back of the leg again. I
think he's found his body part. Chop block on the bandage. Badmouth right
hand. Grabs the leg - elbowdrop on the leg - another one. "Give him one!"
Stephanie with an elbowdrop on the knee - and another one. Stephanie has
to adjust her rack as much as Nash adjusted his hair in the WCW! Jericho
applies the spinning toehold while Stephanie distracts referee "Blind" Earl
Hebner - Jericho getting the all-important added leverage by grabbing the
top rope. Jericho goes for another rotation - H manages to kick him away -
and into Stephanie! Jericho helps her up...and she slaps him. So Jericho
piefaces her. This is all breaking down! Stephanie finally convinces him
to get back on point. Bulldog by Jericho - Lionsault MISSES! So Stephanie
drops down and hooks a leg - you can hear a pin drop in the building - 1,
2, Jericho gets the shoulder up! Audible sigh of relief. Now Jerihco
wants to know what's up - blocks ANOTHER slap - double leg takedown into
the Walls of Jericho! H clotheslines Jericho in the back to cut that
short. Jericho in with another clothesline - H ducks and Stephanie eats
it. Jericho runs at H - but H steps aside and runs him over the top to the
floor. H looks to and fro for crowd support. International sign of the
Pedigree made - *again* H has Stephanie in position if he'd only complete
the damn move - instead, they duck walk closer to the corner, where Jericho
suddenly appears - missile dropkick connects - leg is hooked - 1, 2, no.
1, 2, no. Why not try again? 1, 2, no. Jericho argues the cadence with
Hebner...then goes outside to beat up timekeeper MARK YEATON (as he is wont
to do) puts a belt in the ring, the other belt in the ring, also grabs a
chair - Hebner and Jericho tussle over the chair, but Hebner wins - while
he puts it away, Jericho swings a belt at H...only *he* has a belt as well,
so when the gold hits the skulls, we end up with two men out cold in the
centre of the ring. Another hush falls on the crowd as Stephanie hits the
ring - she opts to cover H - hooks the leg - 1, 2, NO! She tries Jericho -
1, 2, NO! Stephanie and Hebner have their own debate - I guess Hebner
wins, 'cause it's still 2. Stephanie dares H to get up - off the
ropes...but H meets her with a big clothesline! Jericho grabs the
distacted H - WALLS OF JERICHO! H reaches for the ropes as a "Triple H"
chant starts up. He *just* can't get there (apparently - I think he could
stretch if he REALLY wanted to...but alas) - anyway, Stephanie climbs up
into piggyback on Jericho, breaking the hold...Jericho flails a bit, but
eventually finds himself and throws her over his shoulder. Too much
badmouth - H sneaks in with a gutshot and Pedigree (see, he's REALLY quick
when it isn't on Steph) - 1, 2, Stephanie saves with a forearm! Jericho
rolls outside as H stands over Stephanie for another cartoony McMahon
reaction. H with the hair once again. Stephanie whipped out - then pulled
back in for an Arn Anderson bootybuster - leg is hooked - 1, 2, 3! (8:06)
H drops to his knees to make a big wave goodbye and also count three on his
fingers. H directs SECURITY to haul her out of there - another ha ha wacky
chase ensues involving Stephanie latching onto everything nailed down while
they very gingerly pull on all her non-private bits. Crowd sings the
chorus of "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye." Heyman was back in what, four
months? I'll take that long in the pool. RAW Zone credits and one more
"Lottery results on DOTCOM" graphic - big WWF logo - and aloha means
goodbye.
Nitro Nitro Nitro!