QUICK QUOTE: WWF 15.05 (- .26, last year: 12.95, two years ago: 15 11/16) KINGS UPDATE: 1-0! 1-0! 1-0! They tried really hard to lose but they couldn't do it (thank God) ALSO I have completed my Carl's Jr. bobblehead collection (thank God AND Mom) without having to go to Ebay ALSO I have already bought two new hats. Catch the Kings and Jazz in Game 2 TUESDAY night on TBS! They'll be the second game of that night's doubleheader. MOVIE REVIEW: Yes, I actually went to a movie for the first time in...hmm, this year, when I saw "The Scorpion King" at a Friday matinee. I had no expectations going in and they were met. I was glad I spent $5.25 and not $8.75. Joe, on the other hand, found my review "biased" when I told him what I thought of it, so I guess he really hated it or something. And there are another 67 opinions available over at the MRQE if mine's too short for you - I'll bump the link back up on the slashwrestling.com home page if you can't figure it out yourself. TONIGHT: We can't stop CAN'T STOP talking about the Rock's movie! Also, Hulk Hogan won the title last night - yep, he did - he'll have something to say for sure - hey, that's all you get the night after a pay-per-view - come back in fifteen T(O)N(I)G(HT): "Time's Arrow I" continues the tradition of intriguing cliffhangers which ultimately result in disappointing denouement - only this one has the ADDED bonus of not being particularly intriguing as well. Picard and Guinan's "special relationship" was probably best left unexplored, don't you agree? I GET LETTERS: I haven't posted a call for email in a long, long time but given the recent events of our favourite programming source (that I write about) I thought I'd compile another batch of letters. How's the split treating you? How do you feel about the NWO? How do you feel about that guy who USED to be in the NWO now that he's holding the belt? And if you don't want to talk about any of THAT stuff, then...well, what do you think of me? I dunno, just write something that'll look good with your name next to it and it'll be read by....well, hundreds at least. I promise. Keep it brief and fire it off - there are email links at the bottom of this report - I'll try to have something put together on the home slice before Thursday. THE RECAP STARTS: RIGHT NOW One World TV-14-DLV-CC Leader Attitude - WWF! Courtesy: WWF Magazine, here's some stills from last night's main event and run-in-o-rama Opening Credits Pyro's away and so are we - coming to you LIVE from the Savvis Center in St. Louis, MO 22.4.2 and transmitido en espanol SAP on THE NEW TNN, this is the WWF - and *this*... is... RRRRRRAW! BROCK LESNAR (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 275 pounds - with Paul Heyman - and Let Us Take You Back to Last Week) v. MATT HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 226 pounds)
referee: EARL HEBNER
Matt's still hurt but he wants some REVANCHE! Instead of looking at the entryway, we stay fixed on Lesnar...which can only mean Hardy's going to attack from behind - and sure enough, there he is - forearm in the back, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, kick, whip - no, Lesnar whips him into the corner instead. Lesnar with the charge - runs into a boot. Lesnar shakes it off and runs in again, catching the boot this time, pulling him out by it and into a big spinebuster. Lesnar rips off Hardy's shirt to display the rib tape/plot device. Knee in the ribs. Scooped up - raised high - gutbuster - and holding on for a second run at it. Bearhug - Matt plays rag doll for benefit. Lesnar rams Hardy's back into the turnbuckle. Running at him...Hardy escapes and Lesnar shoulders the post. Hardy outside - wraps Lesnar's arm around the post, again, right, left, right, left, right...back in as Lesnar shakes it off - he's MAD - runs at Hardy and eats a boot again. Hardy with the jawbreaker. Second rope - ahhhhhhdrop. Hardy to the top rope - SUPER ahhhhdrop. Hardy signaling - gusthot, Twist of Fate - is blocked - Lesnar picks up Hardy on his shoulders, then drops him in his modified TKO. Heyman tells him not to pin him, but to "break him in half." Lesnar picks him up - spins around a few times - then powerbombs him down. Hebner decides to end this now. (ref stop 3:09) Hebner makes haste in calling for help from the back. Let's take the replay - say, how many weeks has Lesnar been here...how come they STILL haven't given us a name for this move yet? Ric Flair is WALKING! He greets a couple of the tech crew. "Hey, what's up? Richie, man-- (hey, is that Richie Posner? Can you tell I'm reading "Foley is Good?") how's it going?" They give him the cold shoulder. "Aww, come on, man - not you guys, too - you don't think I stuck it up Austin's ass, do ya? Hey, I clearly did not see his foot on the rope. We got a show to produce tonight, man, come on, let's get with it. Huh? I did what I thought was right--" Flair turns to face Taker. "Thanks, Ric." "Thanks?" "I just want you to know that, ah...you did the right thing. You know, I know with all the adversity, I know you had to be intimiated out there. Anybody would. I just want you to know...you did the right thing. You did." "I didn't do the right thing, I did what I saw. I did not see his foot on the rope, I counted him down 1, 2, 3, 'cause I thought you were on him. I did not see you sweep the foot from the rope." "Hey, say what you will - all I'm sayin' is that I owe you one - in fact....I'm gonna go out in front of the people right now and thank you publicly. You did the right thing!" Ross proclaims Flair "absolutely guilt-ridden." Lita shills Stacker 2 Catch the WWF LIVE! Next week, Buffalo is RAW - in two weeks Hartford is RAW, and in three weeks Toronto is SOLD OUT Sure enough, AWESOMETAKER walks out with the "Forceable Entry" CD cover. Judgment Day tix go on sale Saturday in Nashville, by the way. "As your #1 Contender, I would like to take this time....I'd like to take this time to compliment somebody on a job well done. I would like to compliment Ric Flair on the job that he did at Backlash. Ric Flair called that match right down the middle - and when the time was right, he counted 1, 2, 3. Ric Flair did the right thing! Now don't get me wrong...it wouldn't have mattered who the referee was, I was gonna beat Austin's ass last night. It just so happens that Ric Flair was the referee. Now... ["Austin" chant] In case you don't know, he lost! Now as your #1 Contender, that means...that means I get to go to Judgment Day - and I get to fight...the Immortal - Hulk - Hoganuh. That's right, I know everybody is all caught up in this Hulk Hogan comeback story. Everybody's caught up in that miracle win last night. And yes, Hogan...you're welcome. Because without me, you wouldn't'a got that victory. But what that also means - at Judgment Day, I become judge...jury...AND executioner of Hulkamania! At Judgment Day, I will be crowned World Wrestling Federation UNDISPUTED Champion." We look backstage to see that Triple H is WALKING! Hey there's your Justin Credible/Steven Richards/Crash cameo of the night - thanks for coming out, guys! "Whoawhoawhoa - hey - hey - HE can't be here! He can't be here! Only the Champion can be on both shows - what's he doing here? He can't be here! He's supposed to be on SmackDown! Why is he here? Why the hell--" Triple H walks past a bunch of refs (who do nothing to stop him) and also Arn Anderson (who does the same) - camera follows him to the go position (Slaughter, Lanza, Patterson [I think] and two other guys I couldn't make out) and all the way out to the stage... Out comes OOPS HE'S NOT THE MAN - takedown, punches in bunches - Taker rolls over - H rolls back - tussle tussle - back to their feet - H with four or five more rights to take him outside... following out - Taker with a back elbow...but H comes right back, barreling Taker over the announce table and keeps punching. H does a little remodeling - monitor in hand - and there's five monitors to the head! Ross' headset goes out as H trips over all the cables...and then walks right back (whatever) - H picks up Taker and unleashes some more rights - finally the gaggle of REFS is out and managing to separate the two men. Taker finally back up as the crowd chants "Triple H" - there's a right for H. Taker tries to walk away, but H punches out all three refs and flies back over to Taker. And now the chase is on...Taker is relieved of his shirt - alongside the aisle they go. H rams Taker into the sided of the stage, leaving a nice bloody mark. Right, right, right, right. H rams Taker into the stage again. H removes his shirt (squeeeeal) and rams Taker's head into the stage again. But Taker fights back with a soupbone - kick - kick - and walks off. Nope, H is gonna follow him - and so's the cameraman. We're backstage now - H right, Taker into a heavy case, right by H, right, Taker swings and misses, H right, right, right, now out near the trucks - H runs Taker into a semi. Taker begs off and H makes noise. Taker is run into a car...and H pulls a sledgehammer out of the back seat. And there's the sledgehammer to the gut! "your ass is MINE now. You don't screw with me, you understand me?" As H raises the hammer over his head, two Security guys rush in and grab H - he's ready to fight THEM off as well, but now the *police* are here, hands on their guns (eerily reminiscient of another infamous "cops ready to unholster" moment, isn't it?). H gives up and holds out his arms - they cuff him. H STILL talking smack - Taker, too: "Get his ass outta here before I get up!" H manages one more stomp on Taker's chest before being led away by the cops. Taker bleeds some more for our benefit before we head out... When we come back, our hosts (LARRY & JERRY) are still trying to get their work area straightened out Let Us Take You Back To Moments Ago - Ross proclaims H "a man possessed - a man with the strength of ten men" - there's the monitor shots. Lawler repeatedly states that Triple H has no business appearing on this show. Back we go to what must have been Triple H's car - and there's the sledgehammer to the....wow, that's really more of the...groinal area. At least, from this angle. Let Us Take You Back To During the Break, Triple H takes a ride in the black and white Talk somehow turns to the Rock's big "best April opening EVER" movie opening - Lawler mentions the countless rave reviews from all the critics - I'm not sure he and I have visited the same websites, but then again maybe he got an advance viewing of AT THE MOVIES WITH GOLDUST & BOOKER T: "Welcome to the Premiere Edition of Goldust & Booker T At the Movies." "What up, dog." "Tonight, we will be reviewing a cinematic tour de force entitled The Scorpion King. Note the Fellini-esque way in which our protagonist must engage in his goal, in his quest for salvation. The pahtos we feel is only underscored by the magnaminous--" "Yo what the HELL you talkin' 'bout? Just roll the damn footage!" (Rock's big entrance, archery, sword and "boo" scene - which actually sounded more like "poo", but) "Now that's what I'm talkin' about. That was a good movie! It was great, it had action, suspense, comedy - it had it all! I give it two thumbs up. However, there was one little problem: the Rock. Whoever said this guy could act, man? Whoever said this guy was a movie star? Man, if I was in this movie, it would have been over the top. It would have been a bigger smash than it was, man!" "That really sounds....delicious." "You're damn right it sounds delicious! Now THIS is what WOULDA happened if *I* was in this joint. Roll that footage, man." Same scene, except we see T in place of the Rock. "That's right! You suckas better FIND somewhere to run! 'cause it's me - Booker T - not only am I the Scorpion King, but I'm the five-time WCW Champion - and I got a sword, too! Now can U dig THAT - SUCKAAAAAS" "That's what I'm talking about! That was off da hook! That was bizzy, man! This is movies, dog!" "Excellent performance, Book." "Oh yes!" "But there's one thing missing - one thing that woulda made this film a four star classic - one thing woulda made this film an Oscar contender! That one thing is...(inhales) Goldust." "--the hell are you talkin' about." Same scene - Goldust inhales, says "boooooo" and bites. "As you can see, I should have been the Scorpion King." "You shoulda been the Scorpion King?" "That's right." "Man, if you woulda starred in this movie...they woulda called it The Scorpion QUEEN. AHHHHHHahahahahahaha - hahahahahahahahaha!" "Tell me you did not just say that." "Hahahahahahahaha!" This kinda ruled a lot. TONIGHT: Goldust & Booker T take on Bubba Ray & Spike Dudley! Flair gets some coffee - Regal is already working on some pee - I mean, tea. "Hey William - what's up, man." "Ah, Mr. Flair." "How are you?" "Oh I'm wonderful, how are you, I mean I must congratulate you on your wonderful job of refereeing last night. It was...rather a novel way to count three on Stone Cold Steve Austin, wasn't it, when his little foot was on the rope." "It was an HONEST mistake. I clearly did not see Austin's foot on the rope. It was an accident." "Well, let me be the first to congratulate you on your little 'accident.' Bye bye." Hey, why exactly do all these people care so much about Austin getting screwed, anyway? Doesn't affect THEM as far as I can tell...ah well, let's sit through another ad break while we ponder such things "WWF Divas: Tropical Pleasure" video/DVD ad EDDIE GUERRERO joins the commentary team for the next match... MR. PERFECT (Minneapolis, Minnesota - 262 pounds) v. ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds - with Forceable Entry CD cover)
referee: CHARLES ROBINSON
van Dam gets some BOOM pyro added to his entrance now. Spending a little too much time looking at Guerrero, van Dam finds himself on the wrong end of a blindsiding by "Senor Perfecto." BIG "RVD" chant. Forearm in the back, forearm, run into the apron, uppercut, chop, thrown in the ring and the bell rings. Perfect with a fist in the back, forearm, right hand, into the ropes is reversed, van Dam does the splits underneath Perfect's leapfrog, van Dam with a monkey flip as Perfect returns, van Dam kips up, dropkick puts Perfect outside. van Dam flips to the apron and jumps off with a moonsault that takes Perfect to the floor! OH MY GOD I THINK HE PISSED HIS PANTS van Dam with a right, back in the ring, kick, elbow, into the opposite corner, tumbling run, Perfect evades the monkey flip out, slips underneath van Dam and hits a nice super death suplex. Perfect with a stomp. Chop, chop, snapmares him over, rolling neck snap. "That's why I'm Mr. Perfect!" Oops, here comes van Dam - pops him in the gut, elbow, elbow, elbow, kick, right, into the ropes is reversed, back to back over the top, Perfect ducks the kick and grabs the waistlock - van Dam elbows back twice to break it up, to the ropes, ducks a swing from Perfect, Viscera kick finds the mark! 1, 2, Perfect kicks out. Scoop...and a slam by van Dam. Spinning legdrop. Off the ropes with Rolling Thunder - 1, 2, foot on the rope. Robinson, unlike Flair, sees it. van Dam with the kick, kick, into the opposite corner, head to the gut, head, superfluous backflip, up for the monkey flip but Perfect blocks, puts two feet on the ropes and Robinson counts 1, 2, and then catches Perfect and stops. You know, that's *twice* they COULD have brought up how a "real" referee would notice feet on the rope as opposed to Flair's failing to notice it, and both times none of the commentators take the opportunity to put over the story - and it's not like they're talking about anything else that's AS important...or, indeed, anything at all. Arrrrrgh. van Dam tries a kick - it's ducked - *Perfect* tries a kick - that's caught, and van Dam hits the stepover heel kick. van Dam vaults to the top - Fivestar frog splash lands - 1, 2, 3. (3:02) Guerrero is in the ring - and gives van Dam a belt in the back of the neck - right, right, right, right, death suplex. Guerrero isn't done - climbing up to the top...frog splash MISSES!! van Dam back up - spinning roundhouse kick connects and Guerrero heads out. Robinson holds back van Dam - play his music! WWF FLASHBACK: January 23, 1984 - Madison Square Garden - Hogan wins the WWF Championship for the first time, becoming the 11th WWF Champion The Slam of the Week is brought to you by 1-800-CAL-LATT! From Backlash, Molly unleashes a verbal barrage on Trish Stratus - then adds a physical barrage as well, with a mic to the throat and a whip into the STEEL steps TRISH STRATUS (Toronto, Ontario - with the cover of Oxygen magazine) and JACQUELINE (Dallas, Texas - with RAW is brought to you live by Stacker 2, Honda, and truth) v. JAZZ (New Orleans, Louisiana) & MOLLY HOLLY (Mobile, Alabama)
referee: JACK DOAN
You know, the ONLY person saying Molly is a virgin is Lawler. So either everybody but Lawler needs to get on the right page...or Lawler does. Molly starts with Jackie - lockup, side headlock by Jacqueline - elbow by Molly, elbow, into the ropes, Jackie with a shoulderblock. Up and over off the ropes, Molly's hiptoss attempt is countered; Jackie's is not. Arm drag by Jackie. Molly scoots back to her corner and tags out. Jazz wants Trish, and Trish wants the tag - and gets it - Trish ducks the swing, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, into the opposite corner is reversed, but nobody's home on Jazz' splash. Arm wringer by Trish, chop, whip is reversed and Molly puts a knee in Trish's back - then Trish runs into a clothesline. Leg is hooked, 1, 2, no. Two handfuls of hair for Jazz - there's the takedown. Off the ropes - big splash MISSES. Tag to Molly - HOT TAG to Jackie! Right hand puts Molly down, right, into the ropes, big back elbow, dropkick for Jazz, spinning kick for Molly, leg is hooked, 1, 2, Jazz breaks it up. Here comes Trish - she and Jazz spill outside - Jazz reverses a whip and Trish AGAIN goes into the STEEL steps. Back inside - Molly reverses a whip into the corner, and Jazz adds a belt shot to the back of the neck - Jackie staggers into a clothelsine - Molly hooks the leg and gets the 1, 2, 3. (2:17) Trish back in the ring to check on Jackie - Jazz & Molly decide to do a number on HER as well. Into the ropes, Trish ducks, Trish with a double clothesline! Forearm for Molly - Jazz decides to head out. Play TRISH's music! Shockingly, this match lasted ALMOST longer than the entrances! To Flair's office, where we find him talking to Anderson. "Man, I'm frustrated. This is really gettin' the best of me, man. I go up to people, they ignore me. People turn around when they see me comin', walk the other way, hey I own the company. I mean, I need some resepct from these people - I, I clearly did not count Austin out thinking his leg was on the rope. You know that. You believe me, don'cha?" "(pause) Yeah - yeah, Ric, I believe ya. I'm your best friend. But the fact is, there's some crew members who don't believe ya...and there's some guys in the back that don't believe ya - which would indicate to me there's probably some people out in that audience, there's a lotta fans that don't believe ya. I think, if I was you, I'd straighten it out. I'd go out there and I'd tell 'em the truth." "Out in the crowd." "Yep. Go tell 'em the truth." "You know what - that's a hell of an idea." "There you go." "That's what I'm gonna do. And you know what, I'm not only gonna go out there and TELL 'em the truth, I'm gonna go out there and PROVE to 'em beyond the shadow of a point - shadow of a doubt that I did not see Austin's leg on the rope. I can prove it." "There you go - there you go." "That's what I'm gonna do. Thank you. That's a hell of an idea." "Good luck." See, Flair doesn't WANT to go out there - *it's Arn's fault* WWF Excess is part of TNN's Slammin' Saturday Night - for people who don't like to go out on Saturdays! WWF Shop Zone dotcom ad WWF FLASHBACK: April 2, 1989 - Hogan defeats Randy Savage in WrestleMania V to win his second WWF Championship - and become 14th WWF Champion Here comes RIC FLAIR (with RAW Credits & Transmitido en espanol SAP & TV-14-DLV & CC) to bring us into the second hour. "Thank you. I needed that. I did not come out here tonight to make excuses; I came out here tonight to set the record straight. Last night, at Backlash, as a special guest referee...I did a lousy job. I made a mistake. Steve Austin's... foot was clearly on the rope - I blew the call. And it's something I'll probably have to live with for a long time. Clearly, taking the match between Taker and Austin put me in a position I wasn't qualified to be in - then you take the NWO walking down in the middle of the match, the excitement of thousands of people, the magnitude of the event - I can understand why Stone Cold is real upset with me. But I think, in a city like this...if Ric Flair says something, you know it's gospel. ["Woooo!"] And I'm that sincere... now. I would like them to play the footage of what you saw last night, and why a lotta people are upset with me right now." Let Us Take You Back to Last Night. "That looks like I made a bad call - it looks like I saw Austin's foot on the rope and still counted him out. That wasn't the case - please play this next footage." We get Flair's angle - and it does indeed seem to show Taker's body shielding Flair from seeing Austin's foot on the rope. "Now THAT'S - now that's what I saw. I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt Steve Austin. I respect Steve Austin. I told him to his face he was The Man. And he is. Hell I LIKE Steve Austin. Austin and I are friends. And I wanta take this opportunity in front of the whole world...because Stone Cold is in the building tonight...I want him to hear this. From the bottom of my heart...Stone Cold, I apologise. That's right. From the bottom of my heart, I--" and here's the breaking of glass bringing out STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN...who makes his way to the turnbuckles, but can't quite see work up the wherewithall to climb them. Wait, THERE he goes. Austin gets a mic. Flair looks at his feet as Austin speaks. "You're sorry? You apologise? You made a mistake? You're standin' right there - tellin' me you made a mistake - tellin' me you're sorry. I say you're fulla CRAP! ... You come out here, showin' your little footage, flappin' your mouth, the bottom line is - Stone Cold Steve Austin - ain't the #1 Contender - no more! You talk about the gospel - I don't hear no church bells. The more you sit there and whine about the mistakes you made, the more you piss me off! You said you made a mistake last night? Look at me! I said look at me, ya son of a bitch." Flair slowly raises his eyes to meet Austin's. "You said you made a mistake last night? WHAT? You damn right! When you screwed Stone Cold, you made the single - biggest - mistake - of your life! And I don't care what you've done in the past. I don't care what you're gonna do in the future." Austin grabs his chin. "I don't give a rat's ass how many championships you've had--" "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - sixteen championships! I didn't mean to interrupt you. I did not mean to interrupt you. We gotta set the record straight, man. I made an honest mistake last night. I did not bring the NWO down - I am not your enemy, Stone Cold. And I sure as hell am not Vince McMahon." "You damn right you ain't Vince McMahon - you don't look like Vince McMahon - you don't talk like Vince McMahon - [sniffs him] - you don't smell like Vince McMahon - but you know what? I'm startin' to wish you WERE Vince McMahon. You know why? Because I'd rather deal with a sumbitch - that's gonna look me in the eyes - and tell me he's gon' screw me - then deal with a sumbitch like you - who's gonna look me in the eyes - shake my hand - pat my back - say how good a friends we are - turn around - and screw me first chance he gets! So what I got my eyes locked on them little beady eyes o' yours, and since we're standin' here in my ring, and we are in Missouri....and this is - and this is the Show Me state - since you showed me all your footage - Stone Cold Steve Austin got something he wanta show you - how 'bout THAT?" And he birds him. "I don't blame you for feeling the way you feel - if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd feel the same way. I screwed up. I've apologised. But in one night, I can make it all right. I can do the right thing by you. Tonight, I can make sure the NWO never screws with Stone Cold again. I'm gonna take that other badass Texan Bradshaw - make him YOUR partner - versus the NWO. That's right! Tonight, Stone Cold and Bradshaw versus the NWO! Right here in...St. Louis, Missouri." The music plays and Flair walks off...before Austin can tell him exactly what he thinks of that plan. Here's a look at the dotcom - HOGAN DOES THE IMPOSSIBLE, it says - when Hogan last held this title, there WAS no World Wide Web - chew on THAT. BUBBA RAY & SPIKE DUDLEY (Dudleyville - 475 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back 2 Weeks) v. GOLDUST (Hollywood, California - 250 pounds) and BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 251 pounds)
referee: NICK PATRICK
Wow, it must make Richard Roeper SO happy that they keep comparing the gold and black to "Siskel & Ebert." Actually, he probably couldn't give a rip, but still. While they chat on the outside, Bubba presses Spike and throws him to the floor onto both of them! Spike puts Goldust in for Bubba and we're off. Right by Bubba, right, right, open-handed slap, again, head to the buckle, in the corner, right, Goldustesque pose, double trap chop. Dudley still in command - Goldust into the opposite corner, but finally gets the boot up. Dudley comes back with a death suplex. Vaderbomb MISSES! Kick by Goldust, right, right, into the ropes, Bubba ducks, Bubba left, left, left, flip flop and fly (!) and elbow - one more fake Bionic elbow, Bubba turns to Booker T on the outside and shakes his hiney with an invitation to "kiss it" - then clotheslines down Goldust. Scoop...and a slam - and a tag as Spike climbs to the top - PERRO AGUAYO! Spike comes off the ropes with a flying forearm smash - 1, 2, no. Goldust swings and misses - Spike rolls him up for 2. Right by Spike, into the ropes is reversed, T with a knee in the back, Goldust with a clothesline. Spike goes out, and T rams him into the steps while Patrick is occupied with Bubba Ray. T drops him on the barricade, then throws him back in - Goldust puts him into the ropes, then hits the butt butt. Tag to The Book. Gutshot by T - to the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Arm wringer - to the back kick. T folds him up - but Spike kicks out at 2. Into the ropes, BIG flapjack by 2. Tag to Goldy. Spike put into the ropes, head down, Spike tries the sunset flip - Goldust makes his way to the ropes, but Bubba clocks him, breaking the grip on the ropes, so Goldust falls back to complete the sunset flip - 1, 2, kickout! Hairpull takedown by Goldust. Stomp. Off the ropes with the elbowdrop - 1, 2, no. Into the ropes, Goldust puts on the sleeper. Bubba leads the clapping at ringside but Spike is fading fast. While Goldust has this sleeper locked in, let's talk some more about Hogan. Spike finally manages to elbow out - off the ropes, head down by Goldust, hairpull takedown by Spike. Off the ropes, head in the gut by Spike. Spike between the legs...but Goldust grabs him - Spike manages a mule kick, though, and makes the HOT TAG! T gets the tag as well - Bubba blocks, right, block, right, left right, left, slaps the chest, into the ropes, big ol' sidewalk slam, right, right, in the corner, into the opposite corner, clothesline, apron run clothesline for Goldust, T sneaks in a gutshot, but Bubba reverses the whip attempt into a bodyslam, elbowdrop, elbowdrop, wacky dancing, and double sledge. Spike goes up and gets the tag - Spike sits on him for 2 but Goldust breaks it up. All four men in the ring now - Bubba right on Goldust. Spike dumps T through the ropes at the same time - they're left alone in the ring and the crowd gets loud as Spike puts on the mean face and shoves Bubba. "Get the tables!" Bubba dutifully goes outside and pulls a table out - but Goldust hits a running clothesline before he can even do anything with it. Meanwhile, a distracted Spike runs into a gutshot and axe kick from T - 1, 2, 3. Hey you know I think both men were legal, too! (6:16) T helpfully provides the post-match breakdance routine while Goldust points to him - Bubba Ray in the ring and T out. Whoops, here's STEVEN RICHARDS with a trashcan lid - WHACK! Cover, hooks the leg and referee "Blind" Charles Robinson is in position - 1, 2, NO! Richards tosses Dudley back outside...but Spike it on him - Dudley 'dog - NO Richards blocks it, throwing him over the top to the floor! Richards outside and having great difficulty setting up the chair. Bubba's back up - clubbing blow to the back - and powerbomb through the table!! Play his music 'cause he LOST! Bubba adds some wacky dancing as well. WWF FLASHBACK: March 24, 1991 - Hogan pins Sgt. Slaughter at WrestleMania VII to win his third WWF Championship, and become 17th WWF Champion - damn, and he wouldn't even hook the leg Kurt Angle (who does not appear on this show) shills getting tough on angina Take a look at the Savvis Center Earlier Today, Stasiak talked to no one...or maybe the cameraman? "You gotta sit back and analyse the situation and that somethin' that you--" "Shawn - are you all right, man?" It's Tommy Dreamer and his 7-Eleven Slurpee cup! "Why do you ask, Tommy? Do you think I'm a bit of a MANIAC? Do you think that I've gone a little CRAZYAK?" "Shawn Shawn Shawn Shawn, that's what I'm talking about. What's with this Planet Stasiak thing?" "Oh, Tommy. Planet Stasiak is all about CHOICES and the sounds of the VOICES that run through my head. Some may think it's WACKY while others might thing it's TACKY but it CANNOT be IGNORE. So is my sanity under ATTACK? Is it my mental faculties that I LACK? That's just another day in the life of Planet Stasiak." William Regal has happened by to make a funny face, and while Stasiak reacts to it, Dreamer takes his opportunity to sneak away. "What the bloody hell are you doing? Have you gone crackers, lad? You're rambling on about a fictitious planet that no one's ever heard of, ya silly pillock. Jabbering on about 'crazyak' and Stasiak and bloody choices and voices. Start talking some sense ya silly tart." "Okay, Willie, don't get silly! Perhaps you have a lot of questions, and perhaps tonight, you'll have a chance to explore Planet Stasiak. Tonight, in the ring." "Listen, sunshine. I won't do it for the sweet taste of victory, I'll do it for the chance to knock some bloody sense into you!" OHHHHH I GET IT - Stasiak is the Ultimate Warrior! (It was the snorting at the end that gave it away.) WILLIAM REGAL (Blackpool, England - 240 pounds - with Buffalo RAW hype) v. SHAWN STASIAK (Planet Stasiak - 261 pounds)
referee: CHAD PATTON
Stasiak psyches himself up, then runs to the ring - and straight into the Power of the Punch. Regal stashes his knux and demands Patton count the fall...Patton kinda shrugs...but then he does! 1, 2, 3, see ya. (no opening bell - no closing bell - call it 0:03) Backstage, Flair, Anderson and the refs are on the run. They catch up to the EMT's and Tony Garea, who are looking over a fallen Bradshaw. Anderson tries to ask him who'd done this to him, but he's out cold and not readily providing an answer. "Arn... I think I know who did it." Flair walks off while Arn keeps trying. "JOHN!" When we come back, it's the locker room...where Flair accosts the NWO. "Can't wait 'til tonight, I never get tired of beatin' up Austin, I never--" "Hey, guys. ...again." "What?" "You know what. Bradshaw is unconscious and on his way to the hospital." "No! Is he gonna be okay?" "I don't know if he is or not. But don't tell me you two weren't part of it." "I don't know what you're talking about, Ric." "Yeah, you never do. Either do you. The problem is I always know. And you guys clearly are part of it." "Well Ric, I just got a question, if Bradshaw's hurt, he's out. That means, uh--" "He's more than out - he's on his way to the hospital...unconscious. "That's too bad!" "Well, that's really a shame, but back to tonight, Ric, that means X-Pac & Hall against Austin all by himself, right? Handicap." "No, no, rewind that, it means I'm gonna find another partner for Austin right now. I'll be back. You'll find out who it is real quick." "Oh, come on." We hear a toilet flush...coincidentally, Kevin Nash appears. (Make your own joke - it's fun!) "Ho ho ho! Did you guys get hollered at." Flair's back in. "Man - surprises - it never ceases to amaze me. You, what are you doing here?" "I'm just hanging around." "Yeah, you're out. You're suspended indefinitely, you're not allowed in the building, you're not allowed to hang around these guys during work." "Come on! Lighten up!" "You're not allowed to hang around 'em, period..." "I'm driving 'em!" "...during work, no you're not. You're out the door right now. You wanna go down for life? That's right, for life. You know, NWO for life? Nash gone, for life." "I'M GONE, BYE." Everybody sulks. "Hey, Flair, who's the partner. Did you pick a partner there?" "As a matter of fact, I did. It's gonna be NWO: X-Pack, Scott Hall against Stone Cold...and The Big Show." "AHHHHHHHH" "Yeah. Right here, tonight, St. Louis, Missouri." Again, Flair fails to tell X-Pac he's had more championships than he's had pieces of ass. WWF FLASHBACK: December 3, 1991 - at Tuesday in Texas, in full view of Jack Tunney, Hulk Hogan wins his fourth WWF Championship - and become the 19th WWF Champion UP NEXT: *Six*-time champion Hollywood Hulk Hogan! Tough Enough 2 ad - aka "My Mom Is A Bitch Because I Sleep Around" MR. OBVIOUS: Damn, this show's got a lot of ads, doesn't it? WWF FLASHBACK: April 4, 1993 - at WrestleMania IX, Hulk Hogan pinned Yokozuna to end his 128 second title reign - and simtulaneously make everyone gathered in a Modesto apartment GROOOOOOOAN (And, in case you're interested, that made him the 25th WWF Champion) Fire up the voodoo chili - 66th WWF Champion YOU KNOW WHO is out and he's got his belt on. You know, without getting too creative with the math, Hogan can now claim up to fourteen times as champion - and darned if he probably isn't STILL thinking of ways to lose and win it three more times, just to pass up Flair once and for all. Well, let's listen to what he's got to say. Poor Hogan, he can't find a way to put the mic to his lips - not while he can still milk the crowd reaction. And yet, they're not chanting his name like they always seem to do during SmackDown! - if you catch my drift. "Man, it's STILL runnin' wild, isn't it? You know, the first thing I've gotta say - as far as I'm concerned - Triple H, my man - YOU deserve a rematch, brother. Because if it wasn't for the Undertaker, maybe I'd be standing here the WWF Champion, and maybe I wouldn't. But there's one thing I do know - that 18 years ago, January 23rd, 1984 in Madison Square Garden, Hulkamania was born - AND, on April 21st, 2002, Hulkamania was REborn - because last night, at Backlash, I became the Undisputed World Wrestling Federation champion, brothers! But when I think back to last Thursday - when I think back to last Thursday's SmackDown!, Vince said 'what'cha gonna do, brother - what'cha gonna do, Hulk Hogan, when reality comes crashin' down on you? Well, Vince, thanks to all my Hulkamaniacs - [removes belt] - I'm holdin' reality right here in my hand, brother - I'm walkin', and I'm talkin', and reality is right here in my hand, because I am the WWF Champion." Whoa did you hear his voice CRACK? "As far as my run goes, if it ends this week, or my run ends next week, or it runs any time soon. OR, if the big man upstairs calls my number and I have to leave here tomorrow, then by God, I'll leave here a happy man, because Hulkamania, as of right now is alive, and it's well, and it's runnin' wilder than it's ever been. But you know something, maniacs, I didn't get to the top of the mountain by myself. It was all you Hulkamaniacs that helped me get there - that's right - and you know something maybe it was destiny, but as far as I'm concerned, I believed in the power of the Hulkamaniacs - and Undertaker, YOU better believe in the power of the Hulkamaniacs - because Undertaker, what'cha gonna do, what'cha gonna do at Judgment Day, Taker - what'cha gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania, and all my Hulkamaniacs run wild on..." and nobody completes the catchphrase very loudly, so the whole thing ends up sounding kinda....umm....tepid. GOOD OL' JR: "What a great reception here tonight live in St. Louis!" Golly, but you sure can tell the difference between a live RAW and a post-produced SmackDown!, can't you? Hey, play the Hendrix again! THEN, they spend a full minute watching Hogan's posing routine...ohh, I've got an uneasy feeling about this whole situation - and it ain't getting better UP NEXT: Stone Cold & Big Show v. X-Pac & Scott Hall! Forceable Entry CD ad Lita shills Stacker 2 - again Behind the Scenes at The Scorpion King: swords are heavy - wait, didn't I see this before? Man, I was hoping once the movie opened we wouldn't have any more of these fluffy...hey wait, Rock isn't even supposed to be ON this show! QUAAAAAAK QUAK QUAK QUAK QUAK QUAK QUAK SCOTT HALL (Miami, Florida) & X-PAC (Minneapolis, Minnesota) (492 pounds - with 1-800-CAL-LATT presents Judgment Day - it's coming!) v. THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds) and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN (Victoria, Texas - 252 pounds)
referee: Hebner
X-Pac wears the now ubiquitous Kane mask. You know, I'll forgive everything - EVERYTHING else that's happened tonight if I can just get ONE good, classic Big Show imitation outta Hall in this match. Hall and X-Pac cower behind Hebner as Show comes out - heh. Austin listens to his imaginary watch as he heads to the ring. Austin doesn't deny the fans his four corner climb THIS time. Show volunteers to start it off and Austin lets him. Both men decide to come in to face Show - no, looks like 'Pac going into a Karate Kid routine. Austin gives 'Pac a bird and walks to his corner. Here we go. Lockup, Show shoves 'Pac to the mat. 'Pac holds his neck and tags out. Hall puffs up his chest (well, that's CLOSE - but not quite), then puts his toothpick in Show's face. Lockup, and Show shoves HIM away. Hall expresses some fear...then points to Austin. Well, that's ONE idea. Show asks Austin if he wants in - and Austin finally makes the tag. Crowd digs it. Here we go. Gutshot by Austin, right, right, right, right, right, right, free shot for X-Pac, Hall into the ropes, head down, big kneelift (and slap in the back for effect) by Hall. Hall goes to work. Right hand, right, right, tag to X-Pac. "Yeah, you're not so tough now!" Kick, right, chop, right, into the ropes is reversed by Austin, head down, but Austin makes it work with the spinebuster. Hall in - HE gets a spinebuster. 'Pac into the corner - ten heads to the buckle, running over to Hall as he tries to get back into it and there's a right by Austin - stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp, stomp - X-Pac's head to the buckle, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, into the opposite corner - and into Hall, who's still there. Stomp on both, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Austin stops long enough to get an earful from Hebner...and responds as you might expect, telling him he's #1. 'Pac draped across the second rope - Boss Man straddle. Looking for the same on Hall, but he moves out of the way...and Austin ends up crotching the rope. 'Pac adds a clothesline to put him down. 'Pac goes to work - axehandle. Tag to Hall - held open for the right hand. Scoop...fallaway slam, Hall leaving his feet on it. Austin reaches for the tag - not close enough - Hall with a stomp. Discus right. Tag to X-Pac. In the corner, X-Pac omits a kick from his usual trifecta. Into the friendly corner, and 'Pac tags out again. Right by Hall, into the ropes is reversed, Hall ducks the elbow but not the Austin press as he comes back - Austin with six quick rights, then off the ropes with the Up Yours elbow. Leg is hooked, X-Pac rapidly breaks it up. Austin in the corner - Hall stomps, stomp, stomp, stomp. Austin pulls himself up but Hall kicks him again. Time for the abdominal stretch - Hall reaches back for X-Pac's hand and that all-important extra leverage. Crowd boos and X-Pac holds a finger to his lips in an attempt to shush them (ha!) That's twice they've gotten away with it. I think Hebner's gotten wise - sure enough, on the third attempt, Show gets Hebner to look behind them and see the shenanigans - there's the trademark kick by Hebner to break it up, and Austin promptly hiptosses Hall to turn it back around - right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, Hall with a kick - a clothesline - a 2. Hall covers again - 1, 2, no. One more cover - 1, 2, no! Hall tags out. But 'Pac runs into *another* spinebuster - Austin with nine rights - Hall in and stomping on Austin - no effect - 'Pac put into the ropes, ducks the backhand, lands the spin kick - covers - but only gets 2! Tag to Hall - held open for the right hand. Hall whips Austin into the corner and follows with a clothesline. Another cross-corner whip, another follow lariat. Into the ropes, Austin reverses - and puts on the sleeper. Hall fights out, puts Austin in the ropes and HE puts on the sleeper. Hmm, that's an interesting way to call the sleeper. Show leads claps on the outside - he's been out of this match a long, long time. Hebner checks in - arm falls once, arm falls twice, arm doesn't fall thrice - Austin manages a Stunner-alike to break it up - and Hall is LUMBER. Austin is ready to tag - no, X-Pac puts a forearm in his back to prevent that. Hall over to tag - X-Pac spending too much time dancing his way over because Austin MAKES THE TAG! Both X-Pac and Hall drop to their knees and beg off - DOWN COME THE STRAPS - ohhhh sheeeeeeit Show turns rouns and gives Austin ahhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAM. Fuck, they did it - they actually DID it. GOOD OL' JR: "THE BIG BASTARD JUST CHOKESLAMMED AUSTIN ALL THE WAY TO HELL! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? My God, has the Big Show joined the NWO? My God, the Big Show!" "Theme from NWO" plays and Show, Hall and X-Pac raise their arms. (No contest? 7:30?) "What a no good bastard, The Big Show - chokeslammin' Austin - my God, I can't - can you imagine what this means?" Ohhhhh.....in fact, yes. Yes, I can.