QUICK QUOTE: WWE 9.76 (- .34, last year: 12.06, two years ago: 19 5/16)
THE "E" IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT: Haven't brought you up to speed on the
PHENOMENAL success of the Neurotica CD in a few weeks. Here, according
to SoundScan, is how things are going:
Spread out over seven weeks, the Neurotica CD has moved - are you sitting
down? - a whopping *8,945* units. Last week saw a grand total of 752
copies sold. WOW! Being on Ozzfest DOES move product - but not like
having your lead singer DIE, right? (Sorry.)
By way of contrast, the new Fozzy album "Happenstance" (which we should
note is NOT on Smackdown Records) has sold 5,471 copies over two weeks
(1,907 last week - check those per week averages). We'll have to check
back to see if they overtake Neurotica with the live appearance tonight.
Fozzy's FIRST album sold 28,172 copies, in case you were wondering.
C'mon, you KNOW you were! THEY sold 163 copies this week, which is 22% of
the Neurotica number.
PICTURE OF THE WEEK: Hey, look at this!
I shit you now, this is one of the new cards in the "SummerSlam Expansion"
of the Raw Deal trading card game. Big, big thanks to the
people at Comic Images and especially lead tester Jeff Englert (seen in
the picture above!) for sneaking me into the WWE, at least in a virtual,
virtually anonymous sense. Also thanks to Jeremy Billones for being the
first person to tell me about this, even though at the time I had no idea
what he was talking about.
TONIGHT: What a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big,
big, big, big, big main event we have for you tonight! Also, The Rock is
in it! Come back in seventeen!
TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - Face
I GET LETTERS: He's everywhere and he's back here, too. The Cubs Fan
checks in: I haven't done this since 04/01 and I thought I kept
spotting something odd in there so here goes:
Some random chick, "looking down her shirt" camera angle
Lead Singer, through a cage
A hallway, with a woman at the far end
Random chick looking at herself in a mirror (or someone doing the same
motions?) in a dark light room
Time laspe road scenes
The semi-crashing into the ambulance - two different angles
Triple H's water spit <- First actual wrestler!
Someone in the band? Can't tell.
Ric Flair, in darkness
Big Show - he slaps himself on his chest and sparks shoot out
HBK, posing in the nWo shirt. (Old: Steve Austin slams beers together)
Jeff Hardy (Old: Matt Hardy (I think))
(Old: Austin drinks that beer)
Random Chick (Mis-IDed as Lita before)
Rob Van Dam flying to the outside
A topless chick, facing away from the camera.
Undertaker, face scrunched up in pain
RVD, face scrunched up in pain
Bubba Ray, face scrunched up in pain (Old: Austin, face scrunched up in
William Regal, in darkness
the Rock, raising his arm up out of our sight (Old: Brock Lesnar)
The whole band
Tommy Dreamer (Old: Scott Hall)
Stacy Kiebler (Old: Matt Hardy)
Drummer, from below
Trish (Old: Lita)
Kane (Old: Triple H)
HBK posing in the nWo Shirt (Old: Austin, blood on his face and in pain)
Kane, in darkness, doing his pyro cue
Goldust (Old: Triple H)
Everyone not who's not the Singer.
Booker T, looking at his hand, near the old entrance.
The Rock. (Old: Brock)
Random (Topless) Chicks
RAW logo on the WWF-tron.
Raven - you can't see much of his funky hair here.
Raven (Old: Austin - many shots.)
Jericho giving Flair a chairshot on his return to RAW. (Old: Karate
fighthing X-Pac, in darkness.)
Booker T (Old: Triple H)
Jeff? Just a blink.
the RAW logo comes together and that's it. (:26)
Raven's in the open of the show he's specifically banned from, how odd
- I suppose they slipped him in when Austin left and never thought to
change it, despite not having the tag team champs anywhere in here yet.
Anyway, the downfall of the WWE could be directly traced to the heavy
amount of Triple H in the opens, as long as you believe it's getting
You read Cubs' Heat reports right? And Velocity? And CMLL? Also, do you
read his "White Space" columns? They're very good! I like the one about
Matt Hardy...I hope the WWE guys read it too. That settles it, you go
visit thecubsfan.com RIGHT NOW and catch up, I'll be here
when you get back.
The OTHER fun thing you can do is watch the closed captioning guy
valiantly attempt to transcribe the Union Underground lyrics...wow, we get
bored sometimes, don't we? But that's the problem, isn't it - WEEK after
WEEK after WEEK after WEEK after WEEK and STILL they refuse to see the
change in me, WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP
PHILANTHROPYRO and once again it's on - coming atcher LIVE from the SOLD
OUT Scope in Norfolk, VA 19.8.2 and airing on the New TNN as well as the
Stale TSN - and if you're so inclined, you can be a SAP - transmitido en
espanol. The people over here, to the people over there, to the people
the people the people people the people people
TONIGHT'S BIGGEST RAW MAIN EVENT EVER: The Rock vs. Triple H!
But we open tonight's show with THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER riding out on his
beautiful (American-made) Bourget Python for a lap around the ring and
possibly a few words with the folks at home. WHOA there sure is a gut on
JIM ROSS, who hosts with JERRY LAWLER. Suck that in, man, there's no desk
to hide behind in that shot! Did you ever notice that Taker never uses a
mic with a logo cover? "Oh yeah. The first thing I wanna say is I've
never been one to make my political opinions public...and I may not be the
poster child for the All-American Boy...but I just might be. Because just
like my country, I don't take no (shit)." Pause for "USA" chant.
"That's the very reason that I'm proud to be a man, and I'm proud to be an
American! Because only in America can a man like me...be me. If I wanna
be a tattooed fire-breathin' dragon, well that's all right with you. I
can do whatever I want, I can say whatever I want, and all I gotta do is
be able to back it up with these soupbones. You see, these - these are
the freedoms that I enjoy here in America. But you see, I realise that
those freedoms, they come with a price. I realise that there's a lotta
good men and women, fought and died to give me those rights! And because
o' that...I have a deep and abiding respect for those individuals. And
because of that respect, I gotta deep, deep problem with those individuals
who come into our country and take advantage and abuse those freedoms.
I'm talkin' about people who aren't even citizens of the United States.
That's right...I'm talkin' about the Un-Americans...and especially Test.
Y'see, Test...I'm not afraid to pledge allegiance to the flag of the
United States of America! Now this is where it gets good - I'm also not
afraid to pledge to each and every one of you - at SummerSlam, I will take
Test and make an example outta him, not only for all of you, but everybody
around the world, I'm gonna show him what happens when you screw with
America!" YEAH TAKE THAT OSAMA BIN LADEN Another "USA" chant. "No, I'm
not your All-American Boy...but I *am* the American Badass!" His music
starts up...wait, was he done talking? Looking up at the stage, we see
TEST drive out on a (presumably Japanese) motorcycle of his own, proudly
displaying his upside down American flag behind him. Test up to the apron
- and through the ropes - then swiping the stick from Taker! "Ya know
somethin' Taker - for the longest time, I thought it was just America that
sucked. Now that I'm standin' here in front o' you...I realise...you do
too." Soupbone puts him down! Soupbone, soupbone, left, soupbone,
soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, LANCE STORM & CHRISTIAN hit the ring to make
it three on one, BOOKER T & GOLDUST hit the ring to make it three on
THREE...and the Un-Americans scatter. Storm waves the flag wildly.
"Whoa! Whoa, hold, hold 'em up. I don't know about you, but I know this
gold freak right here, this American Badass right here, and the five-time
WCW Champion, we ain't through! Everybody know, SummerSlam, Sunday night
- but the way I see it, SummerSlam starts TONIGHT. So whaddaya say - you
three punk asses...against this right here? Now can u dig that,
SUCKAAAA!" Hit his music! Un-Americans nod, so now we got us a big
six-man added onto the docket. Let's take a break!
Tough Enough 2 trainers shill Stacker 2 - those racecar guys are STUPID
Why yes, I *am* tired of "Serving Sara" ads!
When we come back, JEFF HARDY joins JOHNNY STAMBOLI, CRASH HASNOLASTNAME,
TOMMY DREAMER, CHAD PATTON, TERRI, SPIKE DUDLEY, BRADSHAW, BUBBA RAY
DUDLEY and STEVEN RICHARDS in the ring. Why? Well, perhaps with the
entrance of THE WIFESWAPPER, we shall soon find out. Note to Robert Lamb:
Hardy is now wearing *both* hankerchiefs in his back LEFT pocket. Is this
dramatic shift from bottom to top merely coincidental with his brother
jumping shows? WHO CAN SAY? (You!) "The reason you are here tonight is
because the 24/7 rule IS NO MORE - over, finished, done, byebye. Now each
and every one of you is a former hardcore champion, including you, Terri -
which is why you've been invited here to compete tonight. Because at the
end of three - naw, I better make that *six* minutes, whoever is holding
the title will be crowned the *official* WWE hardcore champion. Hardcore
rules apply...everything you need is under the ring, you can take the
match anywhere you wanna take it (just stay away from that tarp). And by
the way, your time begins right about...now."
NINE PERSON HARDCORE BATTLE ROYAL - Terri wastes no time running away.
Dreamer takes his kendo stick to Stamboli and Hardy, but Bradshaw bowls
him over. Bradshaw and Stamboli forming an unlikely alliance on the
champion. Crash on Spike, Bubba on Richards. Into the ropes, Dreamer
kicks Stamboli but Bradshaw lands the Hades lariat for the 1, 2, 3.
(0:32) Sounds like these reigns are gonna count, from the commentary.
Stamboli on Bradshaw - quickly it's six on one with only Dreamer out.
Bradshaw taken outside. I should add that referee Jack Doan is in
position on the outside. Hardy and Richards go outside so the chicks can
squeal and so Bradshaw can take the cookie sheet to them. Clock
superimposed on screen looks about right. Bradshaw throws random objects
into the ring while Spike introduces a table. There's the old kitchen
sink, har har. Cookie sheet to Stamboli by Bradshaw. Dreamer has
Bradshaw's bullrope and throttles Crash - Richards with the Stevenkick on
Bradshaw - Crash shoved off the apron and he lands on Bradshaw - 1, 2, 3!
(2:04) Hardy with a barricade run and a broomstick to Crash's face - 1,
2, Bradshaw pulls him off (and removes a hanky! Oh no!) Richards
punching away on Bradshaw until Bradshaw rams him into the STEEL steps.
Stamboli working on Hardy in the ring...hmm, where's Crash? Bubba shoves
Stamboli over the corner to the floor, then drops to all fours to help
Jeff with Poetry in Motion over the top to the outside. THERE'S Crash,
shaking off Spike's Dudley 'dog attempt and tossing him over the top to
the floor. Crash backs up into Bubba - tries a "Bubba, get the tables!"
but Bubba ain't going for that, gutshot, table powerbomb! But Dreamer is
back in - Dudley ducks, left, left, left, flip flop and WHAMMO eats the
cane across the forehead. Dreamer covers Crash - 1, 2, 3! (3:43)
Bradshaw in - gutshot, powerbomb for Dreamer, Hades lariat folds up
Richards - covers Dreamer - 1, 2, Bubba flies in and saves! Dreamer
swings and Bubba ducks, Bubbabomb - 1, 2, Bradshaw saves! Spike sneaks in
a cover, 1, Bradshaw picks him up and tosses him outside. Bradshaw puts
Dreamer up top (almost flubbed but recovered in time ) - Bubba up from
under Bradshaw before he can superplex him and there's the old uppernut.
Bubba powerbombs Bradshaw, then climbs up after Dreamer - HE superplexes
him! 1, 2, Bradshaw saves. Under a minute to go now... Spike sneaks in
ANOTHER cover, Bradshaw shoves him off again. Bubba with the cane across
Dreamer's face, WHACK, Bradshaw with the cookie sheet to Dudley -
TIMMMMBER fell on Dreamer - Bradshaw pulls on Dreamer, shaking off Bubba -
Spike saves when Bradshaw gets 2, Spike prevents another cover, Spike
covers but Dreamer kicks out, Bubba with the cookie sheet, Spike Bubba and
Bradshaw all trying to cover at the same time...but time is up. (6:00
time limit) Hey, that was actually six minutes! Then the Kane pyro hits
- and the screen displays some words... "MY FUTURE IS CLEAR / A DATE WITH
THE DEVIL / A DANCE WITH HIS MISTRESS / MY PATH IS CHOSEN" So...he's
coming to RAW and he's gonna dance with Stacy Keibler? (No, Tori's coming
back! Don't you see?) I think that's just wishful thinking there, pally.
(Oh. Well, you're probably right about Bischoff, then.)
To Bischoff's office where Trish Stratus and Stacy Keibler are chatting
about why they're here. Stacy says she thinks Eric invited her here to
give her a title shot. "How is it that you deserve a title shot?"
"Well, *I* was the one that helped Eric screw Stephanie." "Or maybe
because YOU want to screw Eric." Eric's eavesdropping. "Okay, Trish,
isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? I mean, are you sure you
wanna be Women's Champ, Trish? Or would you be more comfortable barking
like a dog?" "Whoa, ladies, ladies, settle down, settle down. I mean,
the reason I invited you both to RAW tonight, and the reason I asked you
both to come by my office tonight is really...quite simple. Sex appeal!
You see, nobody really cares about women's wrestling--" "Excuse me?"
"No." "Oh, really." "Really. So, let's give the fans what they REALLY
wanna see - a bra and panties match! But...let's make it competitive.
Let's have a bra and panties match...in the mud! Ladies, I'd say you best
get dressed, or should I say undressed because you're next." Oh man he
said "you're next" that means GOLDBERG IS COMING
SummerSlam promo (Brock) - IT'S THIS SUNDAY
Heeeey check out Team RAW Friday in Youngstown, Saturday in Trenton,
SummerSlam is SOLD OUT, RAW is MSG, Friday in Lincoln and Saturday in
THE FINK is standing near the tarp to intro the bra and panties match -
and presumably to eat some mud pretty soon. Aha, he and Charles Robinson
remove the tarp to expose the mud...
STRATUS v. STACY KEIBLER in a Special bra and panties mud match -
Keibler up from behind and throws Stratus off the stage and into the mud!
(OUCH) No bell so we'll start the clock here. While Stacy makes her way
down to the pit, we take a Foot Locker Replay. Stratus pulls Keibler into
the pit. Of course, Stacy grabs Robinson and HE goes into the mud.
Everything's one colour now. Stratus spanks Keibler. Ross gets
all insider on us with "That'll leave a bruise, King!" Stacy tries to
dunk Stratus until she can't breath - big slap. Stratus somehow reverses
and...okay, let's fast forward to the end. Stacy falls out of the pool,
schoolboy (girl, whatever), 1, 2, 3. (1:49) For an encore, Stratus
shoves Keibler AND The Fink into the mud. Oh ho ho!
The Rock arrives (late)! Nikki, a production assistant, presents him with
a package from Paul Heyman. Rock thinks she said "package FOR Paul
Heyman" and wastes some time making a hilarious list (Viagra, twinkies,
Rogaine, copy of "Ass Fetish Weekly"), throwing out catchphrases
("Finally...") and pausing to listen to the crowd chant "Rock E." Then,
introducing himself to her with a handshake, Rock's leg starts
uncontrollably twitching - oh, see, that's not his leg, it's his MIGHTY
DICK. Finally, The Rock (HAS COME BACK TO) opens the FedEx...he ruffles
through the glossies inside, smirks, drops them to the floor and walks
off. Camera zooms in to see lots of pictures of a bloodied Hulk Hogan
from after his SmackDown! match with Lesnar.
MOMENTS AGO: Stratus took a header into the mud pool from the stage, but
managed to take the fall. Also, The Fink in the mud - AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Commentators display the latest RAW Magazine - and JR's gut
Next Monday morning in New York, head over to Federal Hall on Wall Street
and join the Pledge to Participate Tour with Edge, Brock Lesnar, Kurt
Angle, Stacy Keibler, Bradshaw, Mark Henry AND Governor George Pataki!
Also some fireman, but they don't get any graphic space - maybe they're
worried about a strike
TRIPLE H RETURNS! Sunday, he takes on Shawn Michaels at SummerSlam.
Later tonight, he takes on The Rock. Now, he takes on a pink polo shirt
and ready to wear slacks. In one hand, a clipboard; in the other, THE
STICK. "You know nine times outta ten, what takes place in this ring is
strictly business. You see, that's the way I do it - everything I do in
this ring, it's business for me. Except for this time. You see, at
SummerSlam, Shawn Michaels versus Triple H...this one's personal. It's
very personal. And you see (3), as much as I wanna fight Shawn Michaels
at SummerSlam, unless Shawn Michaels takes care of a little piece of
business, there is gonna be no match at SummerSlam. Now I sent these
papers, I sent copies of these contracts to Shawn Michaels over the
weekend - they need to be signed and they need to be sent back and I've
yet to receive a signature from Shawn Michaels. And until I do, the way I
see it there will be no match at SummerSlam. You see (4) 'cause what this
paper is, this paper is my piece of mind. This paper holds me harmless.
This paper says that when, not if, but when I cripple Shawn Michaels, when
I leave him a bloody pile in this ring, when I leave Shawn Michaels in a
wheelchair for the rest of his life....that I cannot be held legally
responsible. These papers, when signed, state that I can have my way with
Shawn Michaels at SummerSlam, and there is not a damn thing that anybody
can do about it. So Shawn, if you want your moment in the sun, if you
want your chance to shine, then Shawn, I suggest you sign these, and you
get these papers back to me as soon as possible. You take care of this
business, and I'll take care of you...personally. Now Shawn, tonight I
know you're gonna be watching - and I know somebody else that's gonna be
watching too - Brock L--" H stops to subtly encourage an "asshole" chant.
"You have no idea. The other person that's gonna be watching this match
tonight is Brock Lesnar. Now Brock, I'm sure you're at home, sitting in
front of the TV, waiting with great anticipation like the rest of the
world is, on the edge of their seat, knowing that tonight, the two
greatest franchise players in the industry today are gonna go head to head
in this ring. Because tonight, it's gonna be Triple H...and it's gonna be
The Rock. That's right - The Game and The Great One, one more time. But
the title this time is not on the line. But I'll tell you what is, Brock,
and this is where it interests you - what is on the line is The Rock's ass
- because Eric Bischoff as of a few moments ago has made this match No
Disqualification. And I am gonna send a message to Shawn Michaels through
The Rock. I am gonna annihilate The Rock in this ring tonight. But I'm
gonna do you a favour, Brock Lesnar - I am gonna leave just this much of
The Rock left. I am gonna leave just enough for The Rock to show up at
SummerSlam. And you remember this - Brock Lesnar, when you show up Monday
at RAW..." "Rock E!" "When Brock Lesnar shows up Monday at RAW the NEW
Undisputed Champion...Brock Lesnar, when you walk in that building with
your new shiny belt around your waist, know one thing...I'm gonna be
waiting for you. So Brock, tonight you watch - and Shawn Michaels, you
watch...but Shawn, if I was you, I wouldn't let your wife watch, and I
sure as hell wouldn't let your kid watch." The Y2J Countdown interrupts
at this point and CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out to model his Fozzy T-shirt.
"Oh, oh oh, I'm sorry, Hunter - did I interrupt your little speech? Huh?
It doesn't feel very good, now does it?" "Well, you know, you know what,
Chris, you've got a point there - it doesn't feel very good - but you
know, it probably feels a lot better than gettin' your ass kicked at
WrestleMania for the Undisputed title!" "Ha ha, ho ho ho - oh ho ho ho -
oh ho - oh that's rich - that's tremendous - oh, oh - Triple H should
stand for Hunter Hearst HILARIOUS! Oh yeah! Ha ha. But I think you've
got it wrong, Triple H. I didn't come out here to argue with you, I came
out here to agree with you, and I'll tell you why: I don't think you've
realised it, Hunter, but you and I have a lot in common. Oh yeah, oh
yeah, we've got a lot in common, for example, we share an intense hatred
for one another and we have from the moment I came to the WWE three years
ago. And for two, at SummerSlam, we're both facing opponents who are
nothing more than washed up has-beens. Oh yeah, you with Shawn Michaels
and me with Ric Flair. Oh yeah! As a matter of fact, Hunter, you and I
are almost exactly alike except for the fact that I have a hell of a lot
more talent. And I'm gonna prove it tonight, when my band Fozzy plays
live, right here in front of all these jackasses!" "Fozzy sux!" chant.
"Oh yeah, okay, all right, all right, you know what, come to think of it,
we don't have anything in common - especially at SummerSlam, because I
have a much easier opponent than you. *I* am facing that assclown Ric
Flair! Ric Flair, a man with one tenth of my talent, one tenth of my
CHARISMA, and one tenth of my legendary status in this business! Let's
face it - at SummerSlam, it's Flair, the sixteen-time LOOOOOOSER...versus
Jericho, the One and Only King - OF THE WOOOOOORLD!" Flair is out with a
garbage can to Jericho! Flair puts it over Jericho's head and shoves him
down the ramp. "The only thing you do better than me, pal, is talk trash!
Woooo!" Play his music! Triple H....watches. Wow, that sure was tossed
together at the last minute without any thought, wasn't it? Remember when
*Flair* gave kick-ass interviews? Maybe it was longer ago than I thought
The WWE Boot of the Week is brought to you by LUGZ! From a week ago, Test
pins Taker to win the big eight-man tag
BOOKER T & GOLDUST (506 pounds) and THE AWESOME UNDERTAKER
(Houston, Texas - 328 pounds - with RAW is brought to you by Stacker 2,
Whacko Tobacco, and Lugz!) v. THE UN-AMERICANS (Canada - 736 pounds)
referee: NICK PATRICK
They decide to take it to them out on the ramp -
Taker puts Christian in the ring and follows, so ring the bell! Oh,
there's the RAW Credits, "transmitido en espanol SAP," "TV-14-DLV" & "CC"
boxes, too. Christian into the corner, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, head
to the adjacent buckle, into the opposite buckle, powerslam out, Test
breaks it up at 2. Tag to T - open shot, right, elbow, into the ropes is
reversed, T ducks, flying jalapeno! Flapjack! 1, 2, Christian kicks out.
Christian with a knee in the gut, forearm to the back, tag to Storm...who
runs into a hiptoss - T arm wringer, opens him up for the back kick,
clothesline for Christian, free shot for Test, Storm sneaks one in and
tosses him outside, allowing Test enough time to run T into the STEEL
steps while Patrick chats him up...well, except for getting full view of
Test's actions. Now Patrick is out to stop Goldust and Taker from running
around the ring, while Test puts T back in - in without a tag, stomp,
stomp, stomp, right, tag to Christian. Kick, kick, kick, snapmares him
over, right, right, right, blatant choke. Mounts the back and there's a
good old-fashioned infuriatig enemy pummel. Tag to Test. Held open for
the knee. "USA" chant. Into the opposite corner, follow lariat by Test.
Back to the first corner, but T gets the elbow up - now T is coming back
right, right, ducked, full nelson slam by Test (an Un-American using the
"Uncle Slam?!") gets 2 and Taker saves. Test goes to the headlock.
Crowd claps for T - T fighting to get back to his feet - elbow to the gut,
elbow breaks it up, chop, into the ropes is reversed into a knee - Test
wants the Meltdown but T goes down the back, ducks again, and hits with
the sidekick! Both men are down and out of position - now each man crawls
- tag to Christian - tag to Goldust! Right, right, right for Storm,
atomic drop for Christian, clothesline for Storm, bulldog for Christian,
powerslam for Storm, to the corner for a Ten Punch Count Along for
Christian...now setting him up for Shattered Dreams (!) but Patrick tries
to block the way...now Storm is in - Taker heads him off - soupbone,
clotheslines him outside. Christian STILL in position - Taker turns
Patrick one way and 'dust DOES find Christian's 'nads with the quick kick!
But when he turns back, he eats the Wotsitolla Boot from Test! Taker over
to Test - soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, soupbone, into the opposite
corner, scooped on the shoulder, snake eyes, big boot off the ropes,
clothesline takes him outside! Storm tries to come in - Taker chokeslams
him! Test pulls Taker outside - right, right, knee by Taker, soupbone,
right, soupbone, they're heading up the ramp - meanwhile, Christian
finally manages a cover on Goldust - 1, 2, T breaks it up! Storm back in
the ring but T back kicks him - off the ropes with the axe kick! But
Christian slop drops T. Goldust back up - gutshot for Christian, wants
the Curtain Call but not before Storm is in the ring with a title belt in
hand - while Patrick tries to wrest the gold from Storm, Goldust lets go
of Christian and uppercuts Storm - but somehow Christian got hold of the
OTHER belt and brains Goldust - cover - 1, 2, 3! (6:16) Well, now
they're 2-0, but Ross SWEARS those sons of bitches are gonna pay at
SummerSlam! DAMN THEM!
SummerSlam promo (Rock does plyometrics - geez, this goes on FOREVER)
Check out the marquee of the SCOPE!
Bischoff talks to Rob van Dam - the intercontinental title is very
important, and he needs him to bring it back to RAW on Sunday. Big Show
interrupts, asking Bischoff "...what's the deal man? I thought you and I
were tight. Why's he gettin' the IC title shot and not me?"
"Uhhh....maybe 'cause....you're a tool?" "Look. I am seven foot two, I
am five hundred pounds. I'm a GIANT." "Okay - you're a GIANT tool."
"Look here - let me take him on one on one - winner faces Benoit at
SummerSlam." Bischoff says no way - RVD is the man with the clause.
"C'mon, Eric, lemme take him on anyway - then I can change your mind!"
Bischoff says he doesn't want to risk van Dam getting injured going into
SummerSlam and giving Benoit (and SmackDown!) an advantage. van Dam stops
him. "Nah, you know what, dude? I'm cool with this. No, I could use a
good match tonight - loosen me up. I can't be stiff for SummerSlam -
well, not too stiff." Bischoff reluctantly agrees, but says that the
title shot is NOT on the line, and he wants no funny business - he wants a
clean match because he needs RVD 100% going into Sunday. "No problem!"
He walks off. "Oh, there's a problem - there's a very BIG problem."
Terri stands at the interview set with Ric Flair. Just what was his major
announcement from three weeks ago? FINALLY, somebody asks! "Whatever my
announcement was, it has now been put on hold!" Ah, SHIT. "You wanna
know WHY? Wooo you wanna know why? Because Chris Jericho took it upon
himself to hit the Nature Boy with a chair, he's started something he's
not big enough to get away with! I'm totally focused on Y2J! And this
Sunday, woooo! at SummerSlam, I am gonna walk that aisle one more--" A
garbage can sails into the picture and I guess he wasn't TOTALLY focused
on Jericho. Jericho rams him into the set scaffolding, lays in the
badmouth, then runs him into - OH NO! NOT THE KLANGY POLES!! Flair's
bleeding. Chad Patton tries to restrain Jericho but he throws HIM into
NOOOOOOOO NOT *ANOTHER* SET OF KLANGY POLES Everybody's left laying.
Local ad hypes a SmackDown! house show - the San Jose stop on the JVC
Tour of Defiance 21 September! Check out Edge, Kurt Angle and Brock
ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds - with Fayetteville hype
- see The Rock!) v. THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds)
referee: JACK DOAN
We take a long, loving look at a muddy Fink during
Show's intro. Show evades a spin kick, but van Dam moves in with kicks to
the leg, off the ropes - Show shoves him into the corner. van Dam ducks
the charge - dropkick to the knee, second rope kick, tumbling run...Show
catches him and throws him into a corner. van Dam rolls out to recover.
Running knee - van Dam out of the way and Show knees the steps! van Dam
on the apron - spinning guillotine! Hit the WWE Live onsale crawl. Show
palms van Dam's head and shoves him into the barrier - now lifts him up
for a spine to the ringpost. Show tosses the top half of the STEEL steps
into the ring and Diesels back into the ring. Got him in the choke - van
Dam kicks him and gets out of the choke! Kick, kick, superfluous
backflip...oops, Show caught him in the choke AGAIN - and this time he
*does* drop him with ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM! Show picks up the steps -
he's gonna spike him. "Hey! Hey! Show! STOP! What the hell are you
doin'? What are you doin'? Dammit! Three minutes! Yeah, three
minutes!" Show continues to hold the steps over his head for an
excruciatingly long period of time while we wait for Jamal & Rosie - who I
think I'll now call THE NEW GOOD OL' J&R hit the ring and hit Show from
behind (DQ 2:35). Into the ropes, double shoulderblock - double
elbowdrop. Show's legs are pinned down underneath the steps while he gets
a top rope splash from...one of them.
SummerSlam spot #3 (Michaels)
There's the World! The World! You can watch the pay-per-view at The
JONATHAN COACHMAN stands with The Rock, who provides a detailed history of
The Rock and Triple H - they go back to when they were little babies ("My
diaper is that damn wet!" Rock sticks a rattle up his ass), back to
Colonial Days (George Rockington against Benedict Helmsley - "I cannot
tell a lie - you are a monkey's anus," sticks the Constituation up his
ass), and back to caveman days ("Fire good," Rock sticks a club turned
sideways up his ass). Rock says for the 4,999,000th time he's gonna lay
the smack down all ALLL over Nor-FUCK! Well, he must have said "Norfolk"
else he'd'a been bleeped, right? Coach says they've received a videotape
from Paul Heyman - once again Rocky has trouble hearing the word "from,"
saying "The Rock doesn't want to see a videotape of Paul Heyman! Paul
Heyman doing what? Probably laying naked on the beach, sittin' there
watching Brock Lesnar work out! What is that what he's doing - like a big
fat walrus, cheering on Brock (barking like a seal) Brock Brock Brock -
Brock Brock Brock - no the Rock don't wanna see that crap - show it, you
probably wanna see it, let's see Paul Heyman naked. (shudders) Good
Here's a Special Video Look at Brock Lesnar, with about a thousand
different shots of him giving the F-5 to everybody. "Footage courtesy of:
the Next Undisputed WWE Champion Brock Lesnar"
Coach says it's rumoured that Lesnar & Heyman are somewhere in the
building. Rock calls him Joan Rivers, then says "the millions." While
he's been begging Brock to just bring it, he's brought nothing, nothing,
nothing. Until Brock actually brings it, until he comes correct, no
half-stepping to the Rock, he won't be known as the Next Big Thing -
rather, the Next Big Bitch. Again, Rock invites Lesnar to Just Bring It.
Rock takes the mic and allows Coach to leave the frame so he can hit "If
Ya Smellllllllllllll" and so on. OH AND THE EYEBROW!
Hey, can I take a stroll into 1-style pretend insider mode? It's
just...well, it's kinda *funny* the way Rock got two segments to make fun
of Paul Heyman - segments that may have had input from a RAW writer who
might (as we in the business say) "have heat" with Heyman, the lead writer
for SmackDown! - perhaps under the gun, knowing that the popular opinion
is shifting towards the show that they're NOT writing on, perhaps out of
comic books to read and looking for ways to get some shots in knowing that
Heyman can't strike back in similar fashion, as there isn't any
equivalently exploitable writer slash character...hey, you see how rumours
get started now? Just mull it over; maybe it's something we can watch for
in coming weeks. You and I can have our own insider stuff! WOW! When
will Heyman put MY number on his speed dial?! (wink!)
When we come back, we follow Triple H into Eric Bischoff's office. His
FAX came in - Shawn Michaels' signature is on the release. "Beautiful."
"I'm sure you know, ah, you know that I'm showin' my ass on this one,
Hunter." "Really." He checks him out. "Why don't you bend over, Eric, I
can't tell from here." "Clever. Very clever. But I'm about to do
something even more clever. Who do you think is responsible if something
happens to either you or Shawn? Who do you think Vince McMahon's going to
come to if the WWE gets sued? Me. So I'm gonna protect myself on this
one, Triple H. I'm not gonna sanction your match at SummerSlam. As far
as the WWE is concerned, officially, your match'll never happen." "But it
will happen, Eric. That's the thing, it will happen. And everybody that
watches it on pay-per-view, and everybody that sits there at Nassau
Coliseum, will see the most brutal match that they have ever seen. The
last image that ANYONE has of Shawn Michaels is gonna be a bloody,
crippled, mess in that ring. And regardless of whether you sanction it or
not, it will be an image that lives in their minds, in your mind, and in
my mind...forever." Oh, there's a portrait of Eric on the wall, too.
There's Fozzy's CD cover!
Hey, it's a guy in a pig costume! Is he related to Jericho? "Performing
'To Kill a Stranger,' from their new album Happenstance, please
welcome FOZZY!" OW MY EPILEPSY Man, Jericho must be having problems with
his monitor because he sounds like he can't really hear himself. Lawler
makes sure he talks over the song repeatedly, just in case anybody felt
like making an mp3 out of this performance and saving a little scratch -
which is pretty much an unwarranted fear, because Jericho has to sound
MUCH better on the CD - I can tell that even from the short snippet we've
heard in the ads. Number of times Moongoose McQueen is mentioned: zero.
Man, talk about killing the illusion - you still could have said it just
ONCE even though there's no more kayfabe about Jericho's dual identity. I
know you're wondering. Song lasts (4:35). "Does Fozzy rock or what? So
that's how you appreciate true rock and roll talent, huh? Well, you know
what? You know what? We think that Norfolk sucks anyways - and even
though you don't deserve it, we're gonna play another song for you
jackoffs right now!" But RIC FLAIR is out, steals a guitar, breaks it,
chases Jericho to the ring...then goes back to the stage and pushes over
all the speakers, stomps on the mics, generates some really exciting
feedback (haha, no, I mean literally), then runs after Jericho with a
guitar corpse until Jericho runs out through the crowd. Lawler calls
Jericho "Fozzy" - pffft. Ross suggests "I Ran Like a Scalded Dog" for
Fozzy's next CD title. Flair breaks the guitar over the ringpost, ALMOST
taking out the front row (and almost certainly one cameraman) with
shrapnel. We fade out from here.
Another house show ad - tix on sale on the 31st!
Commentators shill Fozzy's appearance at The World Friday. Ross fails to
suck in his gut
Roll the footage! It's time to announce the upcoming card! Hey, just for
fun, let's do it Herb Kunze style:
The WWF has SummerSlam on Sunday. The line-up has:
On paper, this card looks stronger than any we've seen all year. Half the
matches have the potentital to really be something special given the
proper amount of time, while the other half (if kept short) shouldn't
prove as offensive as if Big Slow or Kane were on the card.
Hey, that was fun!
In the locker room, Rock psyches up for his big match. His cel phone
rings, but he doesn't bother answering it before leaving. Hmm I wonder if
Sure enough, IT'S ALL ABOUT PAUL & KING BROCK LESNAR walk down the
staircase to their front row seats. Heyman leaves Rock a voicemail.
"See ya in a moment!" Hey, dig that Nitro shirt on the guy behind them -
YES, ANOTHER STRANGE COINKYDINK
Stacker 2 brings you the WWE Burn of the Night! From last week, Brock
Lesnar's interference leads to Triple H giving Rock the Pedigree.
When we come back, THE WIFESWAPPER is back out to lecture Heyman & Lesnar
about the consequences of them even THINKING about interfering in the main
TRIPLE H (Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds - with Foot Locker's House
of Hoops presents SummerSlam SUNDAY!) v. THE ROCK (Undisputed Champion -
Miami, Florida - 275 pounds) with no disqualifications
- Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels in a No DQ match
- Ric Flair vs. Chris Jericho
- Lance Storm & Christian vs. Booker T & Goldust for the Tag Team
- Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio
- Undertaker vs. Test
- Edge vs. Eddie Guerrero
- Chris Benoit vs. Rob van Dam for the IC Title
- Rock vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title
Entrances burn off about four minutes. Well, let's see what
they got. Staredown. Now some words are being exchanged. Finally, H
puts up a hand for Rock to talk to...then steps back and makes the
international "just bring it" sign. More words - another beckon from H -
so Rock pops him, right, right, right, right, right, right, into the
opposite corner, reversed, Rock clothesline out, clothesline, clothesline,
right, right, right, right, into the opposite corner, reversal attempted
but Rock pulls him back to the original corner, taking H over the top to
the outside! Rock out after him...running clothesline. Scooped up - H
down, scoops up Rock - and drops HIM on the barricade! H in and out -
another drop on the barricade for Rock. H in - Hebner in - H out. Rock
rolled back in, now everybody's back in. Rock comes up punching - right,
right, off the ropes but H buries the knee and Rock flips. H with a
stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Knee. H outside, pulls Rock
over the edge of the apron, and throws an elbow. H back in the ring.
Rock comes back, right, right, H with a knee, knee, shoulder in the
corner, shoulder, shoulder. Into the ropes, elbow in the gut. Into the
ropes again...and there's the old abdominal stretch and why not add a
little leverage with the pull of the rope? We check outside - lots of
security still hanging around where Lesnar and Heyman are seated. H lets
go of the rope as Lawler decides THIS will be the time he mentions that it
doesn't matter if Hebner sees him or not since this is a no-DQ match -
gee, way to go to all that trouble to hide it from him, Triple H. Rock
executes the hiptoss after powering up. Rock right, right, right, right,
right, NOW KISS THAT no H pokes him in the eye. Running double
clothesline and both men are down. Hebner puts on the count. Both men up
at eight. Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" but goes down
afterwards. Both men up again - Rock again manages
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine." Rock right, right, right, right,
right, NOW KISS THAT RIGHT and down he goes. H into the ropes,
belly-to-belly throw, 1, 2, H kicks out! H goes back to the eyepoke...but
Rock pulls H into the spinebuster! There goes the elbowpad - let's see if
we get it - off the ropes, off the ropes, People's Elbow DOES land, Rock
clutches his ribs but eventually makes the cover - 1, 2, Hebner does that
annoying hitch so you know it's NO! H begging off in the corner...then
hits him with an uppernut (Hebner STILL decides to pretend he's not seeing
this stuff even though it's a no-DQ match - arrgh). Rock tossed outside.
H out - has the steps - BONG. H puts Rock back into the ring, then goes
outside to retrieve Ye Olde Sledghammere. For no good reason, Lesnar's
over the rail now...well that draws the attention of all the Security
folk, anyway. Hebner tries to stop H, but he knees him and tosses him
through the ropes to the outside. H awaits Rock getting up...but before
he can swing, MR. WHYSPYR is in the ring! Right hand, right hand, right
hand, running start - H ducks and LESNAR takes the hit on the apron!
Michaels turns back and H levels him with a clothesline. Here comes the
Pedigree - no, Rock is back up - right, right, right, right, into the
ropes, H counters with the facebuster. H with a choke...now *Lesnar* is
back in and trying to get Michaels, but after he spins him around it's
Michaels - right, right, right, right, superkick! Commentators are way
"WHOOOOOOOA WHAT A KICK" but really it wasn't. Lesnar back over the rail
and Security works on escorting him outta here. Back to the ring -
Michaels is holding his back (oh puhleeze) and now over to H and Rock -
Rock right, right, right, H walks into ROCK BOTTOM! and Rock runs to the
corner, climbing up and asking Lesnar AGAIN to Just Bring It...but he's
being escorted out. So Rock decides to go out after him. We look back at
Triple H with a security guard under each arm - looks like he's trying to
direct traffic, guiding them? Sure enough, Michaels decides to try a
tope, catches one of his legs on the top rope but STILL manages to land on
the pile. Security tries to keep them separated, taking H up the ramp -
actually more like he puts a guard in a headlock and backs up the ramp as
if he's being pushed except he isn't (ha) - now Michaels runs after and
jumps - Michaels right, H, Michaels, Michaels winds up and H rolls down
the ramp! Ross is uncharacteristically restrained as he says "FOUR YEARS
MY ASS!" Well, I'm kidding about the "restrained" part. HEY RAW Zone
credits are up and I guess we're outta here!
Hey, God bless Triple H for trying, 'cause it's sure starting to look like
it's *not* that Michaels is intentionally dogging it now to lower our
expectations but that he really IS rusty/can't bring it. I remain
optimistic for Sunday, don't get me wrong, just.....well, not *quite* as
much, you know?