This report is dedicated to the memory of my friend, former co-worker and favourite Hawaiian, Celestina Iwalani Baptiste Gauna. Aloha `oe, Tia. 1974-2002 THANKS TO: The Cubs Fan took the bullet for me last week and I'll have to mail him my Don Zimmer trading card or something. I thought I'd get around to recapping it myself, but you know that report was just fine and there's no point in me knocking myself out when it's only RAW. Man, did you ever think you'd live to see the day when we'd be saying something like "...it's only RAW?" QUICK QUOTE: WWE 8.25 (- .12 - last year: 11.52, two years ago: 14 5/8) - for those of you who track such things, the stock hit *another* all-time intra-day low today...down around 7.92. Those really bored may wish to investigate the number of shares vertiably trading hands sometime; it's surprisingly low - or perhaps NOT so surprisingly so. (Man, I need to write like LM Boyd ALL the time. "Those who keep track of such things consider the case of our Love-and-War man from whence came our modern word 'flabbergasted.' Thought you might be.") TONIGHT: I missed the pre-show hype. Happens about once a year, and I never have a good excuse. Kim said it promised RAW Roulette, also involved Lawler saying "whoopee" a lot, but I try not to rely on such anecdotal evidence. BY MIKE MAILWAY "The following is a special VEGAS MONTH PRESENTATION!" TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - Mug Look at Las Vegas! RAW ROULETTE NOW! Two giant feathers pull back to reveal...the mug. Mic's off when he says "Welcome..." but they bring it up in time for us to hear "...to a very SPECIAL edition of Eric Bischoff's Monday Night RAW. Ladies and gentlemen, live from Las Vegas, Nevada - RAW Roulette. Every match is going to be determined by a single spin of the wheel - BEHOLD the RAW Roulette wheel, will it be ...HLA match? Or how 'bout...Bischoff's choice? Perhaps it will be a Kiss My Ass match. See, this wheel represents the very best that Las Vegas has to offer, whether it's sex, sin, lust, greed, danger, unpredictability, it's all right here, and it's all right here on RAW, so ladies...(to showgirls on either side of him) looking for some action? I know I am. Let's see what our first match is gonna be...(spins wheel)...the first match is going to be...a STEEL CAGE MATCH! I *love* danger." Opening Credits - it can't go on much longer. It can't. Forget the lies, the money, we're in this together and through it all, they say that nothing's forever. There's a change is in the air - change is a good thing, I'm always told and now that there's FINALLY a light at the end of the tunnel I will sit back, smile, and accept the changes that are up ahead. But it's not me that causes the problems - it's the others. I change and I change and there's even more change to come, but these other people simply refuse to see it. Yeah, they REFUSE to see the change in me. WHY WON'T THEY WAKE UP MAGPYRO! LIVE from the Thomas & Mack Center in Lost Wages, NV 7.10.2, THIS is episode #489 of WWE RAW - deal with it - it's transmitido en espanol SAP (but never on my cable system) and I sure hope they spend all night talking about things that aired three hours ago on some other coast. Oh, look, The World - that's a big money pit - whoops, time to jerk a curtain... BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds) in a STEEL CAGE match, escape over the top or through the door to win
referee on the floor: NICK PATRICK
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY. Show is angry about losing to Jeff Hardy last week...and probably losing to T in just a few minutes. Show shoves T into the corner - knee, knee, T ducks out, right, right, kicks the knee, kick, kick, chop, into the ropes is reversed and Show pulls T into a sidewalk slam. Show shakes out his knee and pulls T into a corner - two boots up on the charge. T climbs the corner and Show pulls him back into the centre. Triple spin for T on the big clothesline! Well it's a big short clothesline. Show walks over T (but the camera is on closeup so you can't see it). ANOTHER short clothesline from the not short Big Show. Show paws at T with his size 20EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (I am exaggerating). Well it's a big open-hand slap. No disqualifications in the cage, remember. Into the opposite corner...but T's out and the avalanche finds only turnbuckle. T motions to Patrick to open the door - but Show is over with a forearm in the back. T dragged to the other end and thrown into the cyclone fencing - and T slides down the slide on his way to the apron. Ugh. Show with a stomp. Subway Replay. Show heads to the door...but decides he really shouldn't win this match, and goes back to give T some more. Again, T makes cole slaw out of his back by sliding down the cage wall. Show promises mooooooore paaaaaaaaaain for Master Fuji and puts a big forearm in the back. Another Subway Replay. Show picks up T - well it's the big death suplex. Show appears to be enjoying himself for now. Whip into the ropes, T ducks and lands a nice high viscera right on the noodle. Show recovers quick and knees T. T sitting on the second rope - Show shoves him into the cage wall one more time. Well it's a big vertical suplex - Show makes it look so easy. Subway Replay of T sliding down the wall. Show heads to the door - but once again decides to go back until he loses. Show ain't none too bright. Well it's a big open-hand slap. T fires back with a right, slap, chop, slap, Show with a knee. Forearm in the back and T's down again. T into the ropes, well it's the big boot - Ross says 22EEEEE so I guess I was closer than I thought. Show again steps on T and walks over himi. Later tonight, Jerry Lawler WRESTLES! Believe it when you see it. Show nudges T, who rolls a bit but that's all. Show spits on T and heads to the door. T up at the last minute - forearm, right, right, Show shoves him away, T back up, right, right, Show swats him away - T off the ropes with the side kick! T draped over the ropes - in perfect position to take the axe kick and end up back in the ring! T back to his feet - decides to climb a corner - ohh, so sloooooooow. Show back to his feet - T turns round and hits a SUPER AXE KICK from the top rope to the back of Show's neck! That took a lot out of the Book as well - Subway Replay from a few angles - T again gets to climbing (THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE) but Show grabs the ankle just in time - Show climbing up after him - I don't like the way this looks at all - Show has the goozle - T with a kick in the nuts - another - Show falls to the centre and T hops over the top of the cage and lowers himself to the floor! Always bet on black! (8:07) T drops to the mat and just before he can start breakdancing, CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO is out, punking him from behind, ramming T into the wall of the cage, giving Patrick a shot along the way, pulling the protective padding off the barricade, back to T and peppering him with right hands, and finally ramming him into the STEEL of the barricade. One more shot into the wall of the cage - T has actually bladed for Jericho here! Jericho goes back to rights. "Come on, you son of a bitch! Who's a sucka? Who's a sucka? Who's a sucka?" The REFS are out but Jericho shoves them aside (lots of abuse for Patrick tonight) and gets in a few more on T before removing his FOZZY shirt and heading back up the ramp... Meanwhile, Bischoff has the tag team champions. Kane promises he WILL take Triple H's title at No Mercy. Hurricane: "Yeah!" Bischoff says Kane is all about greed - but greed has its consequences. Spinning the wheel to see what kind of match they'll have for the tag team titles, we watch the spinning wheel end up on TLC: Tables, Ladders & Chairs. "Oh my! Holy Mick Foley!" Bischoff says he'll decide on the opponents in just a bit. But in the meantime, he wishes them the best of luck - Hand of Friendship. Kane doesn't let go, pulling Bischoff in close. "When it comes to the ring, LUCK is for LOSERS." Back to ringside, where the refs help a bleeding Booker T back up the ramp. Let's take a break! Honestly, do they have to announce "CSI" coming to The New TNN EVERY week? I'd think ONCE would be enough! Another look at Vegas by way of reminding you that this is the "RAW Roulette" show. Yep, that's the Riviera. Yep. MOMENTS AGO, Jericho flew in and put Booker T into the support beam of the STEEL cage. TERRI catches up to Jericho backstage - she wants to know why Jericho attacked Booker T for no reason. "No reason? No reason? I'll give you a reason, you little assclown. The reason is this: I'm sick of being treated like a second-class citizen - I'm sick of being overlooked by all the jackasses around here. A couple weeks ago, Goldust tells me that my band Fozzy sucks? Fozzy doesn't suck - we are HUGE rock stars. And on top of that, last week, Booker T accosts me on my way to the ring and calls me a sucker? Which then subsequently causes me to lose my intercontinental title to Kane and lose my shot at No Mercy to once again become the World Champion? Well you know what, you see that, that's the blood of Booker T on my hands. And that's what's gonna happen to any jackass who insults Chris Jericho from now on, because people are forgetting what I am. The very first Undisputed Champion - the Undisputed King of the World - and most importantly of all, a very dangerous and unbalanced individual. And one thing that Chris Jericho is not, and never will be, is a sucker. I - AM NOT - A SUCKER." To the spinning wheel we go...and it comes up BLINDFOLD. Triple H is a picture of disbelief as we zoom out. "Blindfold match? It better be with one of them (points to showgirls), I'll tell you that. Blindfold...do you know how dangerous it is to have a match where you can't see? What are you thinking? I'm the World Champion, man, you can't--" Flair appears from behind and calms H down. "I know what this is about - you're trying to keep me away from Kane, right? It's not gonna do any good. I guarantee you this, before this night is over, Kane's life will never be the same again." "Hey, don't worry about the champ, Eric. It'll be all right. But before you choose his opponent, let me introduce you to Mandy and Sandy. Come on in, ladies. Mandy and Sandy wanna put on a little demonstration of what's gonna be waitin' for you in your hotel suite tonight. Ooh, don't give him too much, save it for later on." As they all leave, William Regal comes in. "Are you bloody mad? Have you lost your marbles, lad? A steel cage match? A bloody TLC match? The world champion in a bloody blindfold match? Listen - I'm a gentleman...unlike some of the toerags around here (looks at Goldust rubbing himself behind him) please, don't spin the wheel - just make my match a respectable wrestling match, please." "Sir William...you know the deal, the rules are the rules, let's just give it a little spin and see what you're going to be doing tonight. ..." "LAS VEGAS SHOWGIRL. I like that sound of that one, I suspect you two lovely ladies will be accompanying me after my victory." "No no no, I think you've got it wrong. What that means is you're gonna end up wrestling DRESSED like a Las Vegas showgirl. You'll love it!" "Your country has a queen - now YOU can be one too. (kisses the air)" Regal makes a face!! No Mercy ad - Lesnar/Taker Hell in le Cell hyped Here's a Special Video Look at Batista working out - and sweating a lot. "This is just the beginning - consider yourself warned." OH NO ANOTHER BIG PICKUP FOR RAW FROM SMACKDOWN! THE BALANCE HAS TIPPED BACK TO eh TRIPLE H (World's Heavyweight Champion - Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds - with Ric Flair - and Subway presents No Mercy in just under two weeks. Subway: eat Jared!) v. D'LO BROWN (Chicago, Illinois - 268 pounds - with Phoenix hype) in a nontitle blindfold match
referee: EARL HEBNER
Brown won't let himself be hooded until H first puts his on. H complies, and so does Brown. Of course, they completely miss each other. Flair shouts to H - again, they walk past each other, brushing by each other and swinging at the air. Finally, they manage to lock it up - to the corner - Hebner gets the clean break and somehow Brown walks along the rope while H points his finger to the corner and addresses nobody. Crowd yuks it up. H finally lunges and eats turnbuckle. They end up bumping backs and Brown pastes H with a right hand...amazingly NOT breaking his own hand in the process. Brown reaches - and gets Hebner. Hebner does a lot of shouting and Brown realises H wasn't wearing a shirt...but this has given H a chance to follow the sound and strike with an axehandle. Right hand connects. H reaches - Brown draped over the second rope - H stomp, stomp, stomp. Right. Right. Going for the Pedigree...but Brown counters with a back body drop. Brown mounts - right, right, right, right, right, right, right, hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. Brown manages a Sky-Hi but H rolls to the rope and grabs the bottom rope. Flair over to whisper something to him - then climbs the apron and tries to get in - Hebner stops him, but behind his back H lifts his hood, gutshot and Pedigree on the blinded Brown, pulls the hood back down and hooks the leg - Hebner turns back and counts 1, 2, 3. Dean, I got no beef at all with any of this. (2:36) To Bischoff's office, where he's assembled Christian, Bubba Ray Dudley and Jeff Hardy. None of them want to compete in the TLC but he insists, threatening suspensions if they refuse. Each man gets to pick their own partner. Isn't this great? He turns to find Goldust standing between the two showgirls...dressed in HIS showgirl garb. "It sure is - VIVA LAS VEGAS, ERIC....(inhales, bites)" The WWE heads to Phoenix tomorrow, Utica Friday, Rochester Saturday, Beefalo Sunday, and next week, RAW is Montreal! GOLDUST (already in the ring - Hollywood, California - 250 pounds) v. WILLIAM REGAL (Blackpool, England - 240 pounds) in a Las Vegas Showgirl match
referee: JACK DOAN
I think Goldust is wearing the same peacock outfit Chyna wore at WrestleMania. Regal doesn't come out right away - in fact, SECURITY has to drag him out - Regal wears red high heels, socks, sheer white tights and...you know, he almost looks exactly like "Madame" and you have to wonder if Wayland Flowers has a hand up his back (now THAT'S a reference, folks!) ...or perhaps somewhere a little lower, if you catch my drift. (and NOW you're just piling it on. Let the man rest in peace already and ixnay on the aygay okesjay) Anywho, Regal's music changes from his own to a jaunty showgirl tune, and Goldy can't resist doing his own one-man (man?) kick line. Rock-ettes, eat your hearts out! (You know, you know WAY too much about all this.) Well, I'm trying to show that it's okay to share your knowledge, yet remain comfortable in one's own masculinity. (Because SURELY writing about something as homoerotic as professional wrestling AT LEAST twice a week isn't proof enough.) Hmm, touche. The reason we can fill line after line with text is that Regal is having great difficulty making it down the ramp - he's already given up on one of his shoes. Regal adjusts every strap he can adjust - ah yes, the old bikini bottom pull, how often have we seen that. There goes the other shoe. For some reason, Regal is also made up - lipstick and rouge and other things I don't really know the names of, but take my word for it, he's real purty. For a feller. Goldy's finally had enough of this wait and brings Regal in the hard way - wow, Ross makes a "Dame Edna" reference...that's another way to go, I guess. Right hand, right, right, into the ropes, butt butt - he's shaking his tail feathers! Right hand - setting up for Shattered Dreams (check out Regal's left calf - you can see the "MADE IN ENGLAND" tattoo through the tights) but before he can wind up and kick the field goal, he slides out of the ring, catching sight of LANCE STORM - right, right, right. Back in, Storm ankles him - 'dust kicks him off and Doan engages his full attention on Storm...allowing Regal to load up his left with the knux from his bra. Regal with a high kick, a sneer, and a cover. 1, 2, 3. (0:53) Regal puts his nose in the air, puckers up and shows off his lashes. Replay has a crystal clear shot of the brass knuckles. Storm and Regal walk off arm in arm - is Storm checking him out? Regal asks if his makeup is okay - haaa ha ha ha ha ha. That crazy RAW with it's no-wrestling! Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't selling ephedra-free Stacker 2 about as useful as selling Rockapella "instrumental" CDs? Oh man, the Fremont Street canopy - DO NOT MISS THIS when you go to Vegas. Also, hit the "Bay Area" for the best 99 cent shrimp cocktail in town. No lie - I always have two or three and they're AWESOME. Backstage, Terri has Christian - has he picked a partner? Christian says he won't pick any of the Un-Americans since he'd actually like to WIN the match. He was frustrated at first, but then he realised he's singlehandedly won three TLC matches - "I'm a TLC MASTER! In fact, the only TLC match I didn't win was..." Jericho walks in. "The only TLC match you didn't win was the one that *I* won, you remember Anaheim, the tables and ladders and chair match that was forgotten? The BEST TLC match? Yeah, that was won by me (Chris Jericho) but more importantly, since Kane ROBBED me of my intercontinental championship last week, I say you and I team up and rob Kane of one of his chamiponships this week. What do you think?" "Let's do it, partner." Meanwhile, Bischoff has Stacy Keibler and Trish Stratus. He says that the match has already been decided - and points to ____ ON A POLE. He's decided the blank will be a paddle. Title WILL be on the line. Trish: "Figures." Bischoff decides to go "double or nothing," spins the wheel again (Hey, he said SINGLE SPIN) - then stops it short on BRA & PANTIES MATCH. Bischoff says it'll be a bra and panties match, with the winner not only getting the Women's World Championship, but also getting to use the paddle to spank the loser. Trish says "fine" and walks off - Stacy starts to walk away but Bischoff gets in a butt smack on her way out. Stacy is taken aback - smiles to Eric but it disappears when she turns back our way. Hope Eric never watches the tape! "Span-- THANKS a lot, Stacy." Meanwhile (3), Bubba Ray catches up and asks Tommy Dreamer to join him as his partner. Spike gives us "crestfallen." He's seen his two big brothers team up in every TLC match - "I guess I was just hopin' maybe it would be my turn to be your partner, win this TLC match and take the world titles home." Geez, start crying. Dreamer gracefully bows out and Bubba takes Spike. Stacy Keibler is WALKING! A floor manager helpfully offers "Your shoe's untied!" and gets to see her bend over. If you missed Confidential, you missed Levon Kirkland! So tune in Saturday at 11! Yeah! The WWE Burn of the Night is brought to you by Stacker 2! From last week, Trish and Victoria go at it until Vicky disqualifies herself with a chairshot to Trish's head. WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP: STACY KEIBLER (challenger - Baltimore, Maryland - with Lawler shills "WWE Divas Undressed" magazine - on sale tomorrow! - and 2002 "Babe of the Year" contest on wwe.com hype) v. TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (champion - Toronto, Ontario - with RAW Credits, transmitido en espanol SAP, TV-14-DLC & CC boxes) in a bra and panties, paddle on a pole match
referee: CHARLES ROBINSON
Stacy gets the jump, repeatedly ramming Stratus' head into the mat - and then into the title belt. Field goal kick. Stands on the neck on the bottom rope. Put her in the corner, gutshot, gutshot, spread your legs to stand on the neck (Trish actually leaves her feet). Hairpull snapmare, goes for the top but Stratus finally lands a kick of her own. Back up, chop, chop, kick, kick, running kick...but runs into the boot. Stacy with a slap. Into the ropes, reversed, gutshot by Stratus, going for the bulldog but Keibler shoves Stratus into a straddle of the turnbuckle instead. Stratus in a second-rope Tree of Woe, kick, kick, top's off! Stratus wastes no time removing Keibler's top in mid-celebration. Stratus throws the shirt at her - forearm, forearm, forearm, chop, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, spinning roundhouse kick by Keibler, going for the PANTS but Stratus rolls forward and removes Keibler's hot pants instead - hot dog, we have a wiener. (2:20) Keibler adds another brain kick, then goes up for the paddle. Oh no, this isn't legal! But Stratus snapmares her and the paddle goes flying. Stratus keeps Keibler from crawling out of the ring by grabbing her panties and pulling her back - and now, the most gentle paddling you'll ever see. What, you don't want to BRUISE her, right? Stacy goes out but Trish is after her - hey, that's her back, not her ass! But now VICTORIA stands on the ramp - Stratus foolishly deals the paddle and eats a right, Stratus back, Victoria, Trish, Victoria - Trish runs her into the barricade, Victoria rams her into the apron. Victoria stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Stomp. Head to the apron. Two handfuls of hair - Stratus run into the barricade. Rolled into the ring - Victoria in after her - kick in the face! Two handfuls of hair, dragging Stratus around - scoop...and a slam. Climbs up top - moonsault! Victoria decides to take off - no, wait, dragging Trish to the floor for some more. Stratus run into the STEEL steps. Ross wonders why Robinson isn't trying harder to keep these two apart. Victoria sneers into a grin before backing up the ramp... Replay of the end of the match (and Trish flashes *this* camera, oh my), Stacy's kick, Victoria's moonsault, and Stratus' trip into the steps. Backstage, JONATHAN COACHMAN asks Jeff Hardy if he's found a partner. "Hey man, you wanna do this?" Rob van Dam emerges. "Tables, ladders and chairs? DUDE - yeah, I'm in." "Does that answer your question?" "The Rock: Just Bring It" collector's edition double DVD ad Stacker 2 ad #2 Another Special Video Look at Vegas - actually, I think this is the one that opened the first hour - never mind MOMENTS AGO: Victoria kicked and threw Backstage, Coachman catches out with her. Why's she keep leaving Stratus laying? "Do you think I have Trish Stratus' attention now? I bet when I beat her for the Women's Championship, she'll begin to realise what this is all about." "Soooo this all centers around your hunger for the women's championship." "I did this to show the whole world who Trish Stratus REALLY is. Why don't you ask 'Princess' about her past? About the things she's done - the people she's hurt. She'll deny it...but I know the truth. Because she's hurt ME...and now, it's her turn...to get HURT." And she walks off. TEST (already in the ring - Toronto, Ontario - 282 pounds) v. AL SNOW (Lima, Ohio - 234 pounds)
referee: CHAD PATTON
Wow, and I was worried that this "frozen contracts" thing would keep us from having SHOCKING TALENT JUMPS THAT SHAKE THE VERY CORE OF THE INTERPROMOTIONAL BATTLE well shoot we've already seen two tonight so fukket. HEY! Bischoff on the big screen: "Welcome to RAW, Al! Now why don't we find out what kind of match you're gonna be in tonight? (spins, LAS VEGAS STREET FIGHT comes up) Well I guess we ARE gonna find out if you're 'Tough Enough' when you're in a Street Fight match with Test over there. And by the way, everything you guys need...is right under the ring." Opposite apron dash for each man and the ring rapidly fills with weaponry. I see the bowling bag but Snow leaves it there for later. Is that a REAL roulette wheel? Naah. Well it's been thirty seconds of ring rummaging, so Test decides to grab a sign and WHACK make some contact, finally. Snow rolled into the ring. Test STILL looking for...something. He has a...pizza box? That can't be right. Anyway, Dieseling over the top rope, Snow decides to yank on the top rope and bounce Test's nuts for a bit. Hey he's got the giant dice from the old HIGH ROLLERS game show - paging Wink Martendale, paging Jim Perry...Die to the gut, die to the gut, onsale crawl. Snow with a sign and climbing up - but Test has the STOP - and DEMOLISHES Snow's torso as Snow leaps from the top rope. Snow also lands on the whatever it is, shattering it. 1, 2, Snow kicks out! Test grabs a trash can - set in position. Right hand. Right. Another trash can placed in the corner - lunging at Snow and he gives Test a drop toehold into the first trashcan. 1, 2, no. Snow with an uppercut, another, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, and reversed back to the first corner - Snow up and onto the apron - meets Test with a right - tries an apron run but Test brains him with a trashcan lid. Hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. Test has a word with Patton (that immunity is running out, Test m'boy) as we take a Subway Replay. Test has a handful of hair - Snow sat on top as the crowd chants "USA" - right hand by Test, right, pulls the trashcan out of the corner and places it in front of the corner. "We want head!" Ross says Test is "rockin' the casbah," and Shareef don't like it. Test wants a superplex onto the can - Snow blocks, blocks, gutshot, gutshot, front suplex off the second rope onto the can! Snow with a cross body - 1, 2, no. Test grabs a lid - no he doesn't - Snow's whip is reversed into a knee in the gut by Test - wants the powerbomb - Snow peppers him with punches at the apex, tries a 'rana but Test blocks that - so Snow reaches for the lid and WHACK. Snow staggers back to his feet as we take the Subway Replay. Test is in perfect position so Snow decides he WILL go back for that bowling ball. Snow probably shouldn't take all this time to put on the shirt, but he's got a routine. There's the ball - but Test is up - Wotsitolla Boot ducked, Snow swings the ball and Test ducks THAT, gutshot by Test, off the ropes, Snow sweeps the leg, WHACK with the lid, WHACK, WHACK, grabs the bowling ball again - to the head - Ross says "Dick Weber" OH MY GOD - 1, 2, 3. (5:41) Actually, I was more of a Mark Roth fan (haha now JR and I have a dueling references contest except JR doesn't know about it) Scott Christ suggested I provide a "Tough Enough" count for this segment, so here you go: "Tough Enough 3" FOUR, "Tough Enough" FIVE, "Tough" ONE, and "Tougher "ONE. Total: ELEVEN TONIGHT: 4 Way Tables, Ladders and Chairs match for the tag team championships! Lawler is standing on his chair and the commentary table - his match is next and he's EXCITED! Ross suggests that perhaps instead of being an HLA match, it might be an Inferno match....Lawler's mood changes. Hey WWE live events yep - Tomorrow, Phoenix - Saturday, Edmonton - Sunday, Calgary - Monday is RAW in Montreal - and Tuesday is Toronto! And now, the WWE Slam of the Week is brought to you by Dreamworks Pictures' "The Ring!" From last week, Kane chokeslams Jericho and retakes the Interkanetinental Champion - oh and Triple H was in the clip, too. Before Owen Hart died, he saw THE RING There's the infamous Bellagio fountains. RAW is brought to you by "The Ring" (geez, even GOOD OL' JR is forced to say "BEFORE YOU DIE, YOU SEE THE RING"), the new Castrol GTX High Mileage, and Greyhound's creepy talking dogs JERRY LAWLER (already in the ring - Memphis, Tennessee - 234 pounds) v. STEVEN RICHARDS (already in the ring - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - 235 pounds)
referee: Robinson
Those of you who are not regular readers have probably forgotten my three requirements for any match with Jerry Lawler to qualify as the GREATEST MATCH EVER so I will alert you to the 20 May RAW report if you're so inclined. Where's Eric? Spinning the wheel. "King, Steven, your match will be...IT'S LEGAL IN NEVADA!" Everyone's confused until the music hits and SMACKDOWN'S THE GODFATHER walks out with TWENTY - NO, TEN LADIES. Perhaps the purpose of this segment was for us to admire Lawler's plastic surgery? Hey I hope Godfather tells us what the hell he's doing on RAW. "Being that Nevada IS my home...I know what is legal, if you know what I mean. So listen up homeboys...the winner of this match tonight gets to take a ride on the train. Whoa whoa, whoa whoa, hodedo, hodedo, hodedo. I don't mean ANY train - I mean the..." and he lets the crowd finish it. "Show you right!" Richards, desperate for some action and with Lawler's back turned, punks him out from behind. Into the ropes, back elbow, hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. "Jerry" chant. Lawler in the corner, right hand by Richards, right, right hand puts Lawler up and over to the floor. Richards out after him, rolls him in, drops the elbow (sorta), 1, 2, no. Calls for the suplex - and hits it! Leg is hooked, 1, 2, no. Lawler positioned - Richards second rope - kisses his fist (!) but Lawler puts two boots up to keep him from biting on his move. But Richards is right back, knee, knee, right, right...oh oh - right, no sale starting, right, NO SALE, LAWLER is MAD, DOWN COMES THE STRAP!!! Left, left, left, LAWLER THROWS THE DROPKICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the fool director *almost* misses it collecting nonexistent reaction shots from ringside. Scoop...and a slam. Second rope - LAWLER WITH THE FISTDROP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1, 2, not only is Lawler up early but Richards has his foot on the rope anyway. HEY BOOBS - Richards into the ropes, big back body drop by the King. Into the ropes, head down, Richards signalling for the piledriver (!) but King backdrops out of the predicament - King sits down and hooks both legs - Richards twitches with all his might but he isn't getting out until at least 1, 2, 3. (2:24) Play Godfather's music again! What follows next is visually unfit for human consumption so let's make judicious use of our fast forward button No Mercy ad features Triple H/Kane - winner take all Here's a Special Video Look at Randy Orton - I don't know, I kinda liked these vignettes better when they were setting us up to hate Kurt Angle Here's a Look at The World Inside, RANDY ORTON slaps hands with the fans, signs and autograph and gets a hug. Awwwwwww, what a sweetheart. I guess I'm supposed to hate him now. I sure hate being spoon-fed my opinion, don't you? (Well, you ARE reading...) The crew is still dotting the ringside area with T, L & C... Jim Ross reminds us that this is a career-shortening match - sure is great for us that they're having it, right? Backstage to Terri, who stands with "take it from me, I DO mean the BIG Red Machine." Is he at a disadvantage going into No Mercy so soon after a TLC match? "Terri, I've been fighting the odds for a long time - but now, for the first time in my life, I'm happy. And at No Mercy, I've got a chance to make history! To be THE first man to hold the tag team, the intercontinental and the World's championship at the same time, and you know what - I know, I KNOW that I can do it. And all the Kane-enites out there - they KNOW that I can do it! And Triple H...Triple H knows that I can do it too. So you can put me in all the TLC matches that you want...Triple H, he can make all the threats he wants, but I AM going to do this! And I'll be damned if I let anything or anyWHAT!! WHAT." Coachman interrupts and stooges off Triple H and Ric Flair - they're currently beating on his tag team partner. Meanwhile, Triple H and Ric Flair are currently beating on Hurricane. Meanwhile, Kane is RUNNING! Back here - wow, how far away is he? The refs and officials get Flair and H off of Hurricane...finally, Kane shows up. "You SON OF A BITCH!" Hurricane is left laying... Before *I* die, I'll see the remastered "Metropolis" - FUCK "The Ring" One more stroll down the Strip - RAW ROULETTE MOMENTS AGO: Five paragraphs ago, four paragraphs ago, and three paragraphs ago - Ross (still solo) commits a faux pas by saying "Hurricane Helms" WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: ROB VAN DAM (challenger - Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds) and JEFF HARDY (challenger - Cameron, North Carolina - 218 pounds - with RAW in Montreal hype) v. BUBBA RAY & SPIKE DUDLEY (challengers - Dudleyville - 460 pounds) v. CHRISTIAN (challenger - Toronto, Ontario - 224 pounds) and CHRIS JERICHO (challenger - Winnipeg, Manitoba - 237 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight) v. KANE (Interkanetinental champion, co-tag champion - Parts Unknown - 326 pounds) in a tables, ladders and chairs match
referees outside the ring: Hebner & Robinson
Ross says there's been three TLC matches and even HE has forgotten the lost TLC match, it appears. I don't dare mention Hardy's red and white in his back right pocket because I don't even want to THINK about how one would "fist" him, seeing as he IS a him, still, as far as I know....oh dear. Also, if I don't mention Robert Lamb one more time, jdw says he won't put me over on tOA anymore, so there you go. We're all about inside jokes here, folks! Back to the matter at hand, Christian is back to his individual theme and pyro treatment, yep. Ja sure entrances DO chew up a goodly (or is it ungodly) amount of time. In case you are unaware, the object of this match is to grab the titles suspended from the ceiling on a cable - so it's a ladder match, but with more tables and chairs. Also, no Lawler, which will probably bear out to have its good AND bad points...but mostly good. I can see the thought process now - "Say, if we attack Kane BLACK NINJA STYLE we can't HELP but be successful!" And so...Kane punches Chrsitian, Jericho, van Dam, Hardy, Christian, back elbows Spike, punches Hardy, Bubba Ray, van Dam, whips Spike, big back body drop, sidewalk slam for van Dam, Bubba Ray right, right, whip is reversed, back body drop, Hardy in the corner, right, van Dam kicks the back of the leg, punched away by kane, punches Spike - meanwhile, Christian and Jericho actually show some brainpower and gray matter by setting up a ladder underneath the belts and climbing really fast - but the Dudleyz pull them off. Everybody pairs up now - well, except there's seven men, so somebody's odd I guess - make it van Dam - Kane takes turns on Spike and van Dam, looks like everybody else is outside. van Dam into the corner, up and over as Kane moves in, kicks the back of the leg, forearms, Hardy joins him SQUEEEEEEAL into the ropes, Kane with a double clothesline to take both men down. Ross: "My God, he is big. He is strong. When come back bring pie." Kane grabs Hardy - I think the reason Hardy is always so late is he spends all those hours putting on body paint - and tosses him over the top to the floor. Kane out after him, sheesh lookit all those people standing around and trying to be outside of camera range so as to not get caught. Hardy's head meets the STEEL steps. van Dam from the apron - caught in a choke - Hardy with a barricade run clothesline to save his partner. Bubba Ray has a ladder around his head and does the helicopter to repeatedly take down Jericho and Christian - Kane in and boots him in the face to take him down. van Dam from the top, flying kick for Kane (GOOD OL' JR: "Thunderous right hand by RVD!"). Hardy and van Dam with a double clothesline that takes all three men outside. Spike in - Jericho clotheslines him down. Christian with a ladder - Jericho with a death suplex on Spike, Christian and Jericho set the ladder along the top and Jericho whips Spike into it. Christian working on Bubba Ray - Jericho joins him. Give it a Subway Replay. Christian with a full nelson - Jericho runs at Bubba Ray and, of course, Bubba Ray frees himself and Jericho ends up clotheslining his partner. Bubba Ray left, left, left, flip flop and elbow. Clotheslined out over the top. Kane up top - flying clothesline on Christian. Bubba's outside and got a ladder - ladder in, Bubba in. Bubba swings the ladder into Kane, then stands it up underneath the titles. Fast climb but Kane pulls him off. And there's a chokeslam! Spike in - caught - scoop slam down. Scoop...and thrown onto van Dam on the floor! Jericho back in - ladder into Kane's head! Meanwhile, Christian manages a slop drop on the floor on Kane. Jericho directs Christian and together they place Kane on a table standing on the floor. Doubleteam pounding - Jericho climbs to the apron, then calls over Christian with him. They take too long to plan, however, and van Dam springs off the top, seesawing the ladder into their faces. Jericho and Christian fall to the floor. Now Hardy sets up the big, tall ladder, gives Kane (STILL lying on the table) a chairshot, sets up a second tall ladder next to the first, pounds on Kane, climbs a ladder, and drops the double legdrop from the top rung. "Holy shit" chant. Bubba Ray alone in the ring - throws a ladder at Jericho's head. Ross says it's break time but Bubba is climbing the ladder, alone in the ring...well, here's Christian - SUPERBOMB pulled off the ladder! Jericho climbs into the ring and NOW they sneak in that final ad break... Booker T shills Swanson's "Hungry-Man XXL" When we come back, "CSI COMING UP AT 11:05PM AFTER RAW" and Bubba Ray pops van Dam one. Two ladders standing in the ring - van Dam uses one to swing into a dropkick on Bubba. Wow, Ross has said "Hurricane HELMS" A LOT of times tonight. Bubba still tries to climb, as does van Dam - they fight from opposite ladders - now Jericho climbs the ladder Bubba is on - punches, head to the top rung, then "bulldogs" Bubba off the ladder and down to the mat! Meanwhile, Christian climbs up after van Dam - slop drop off the ladders to the mat! Subway Replay of what we've just seen (I guess nothing much happened during the break). Spike is the man climbing the ladder - but Christian pulls him off. Scoop...and thrown almost onto Robinson but he backs up just in time, Spike goes SPLAT on the floor. Christian puts the two ladders closer together...then tries to drag himself up one - but can't. Everybody's out. Crowd chants "we want tables." van Dam is up - kick for Christian, knee, Christian knee, kick, stomp, stomp, stomp. Christian starts the climb...but Kane is back up, tipping the ladder and crotching Christian on the top rope! Hardy leaps from the top rope - caught by Kane - and powerslammed down. Hardy put into the corner, clothesline by Kane, big boot as Hardy comes out, Hardy outside. Kane with a ladder in position - Spike is back in and grabs the leg - gutshot - off the ropes but Kane puts the ladder in the way and Spike takes a header. Kane folds the ladder and rams it into Spike's head, sending him back outside. Jericho's turn - has a chair and WHACKS the ladder - down goes Kane. Chair in Bubba's gut - WHACKs the back - then Jericho takes a spin kick from van Dam. Hardy in and Bubba's on all fours - Poetry in Motion on Kane! Hardy holds a chair in front of Kane and signals to van Dam - he points to himself and then hits a van Terminator on Kane! That'll get a Subway Replay for sure. Everybody down again - no, Jericho up, dragging Hardy up - Hardy blocks the suplex attempt, they switch positions, and instead it's JERICHO taking the suplex onto the ladder, probably breaking his tailbone in the process. Subway Replay - it looks just as bad. Christian climbs the corner - Hardy after him - throws HIM off into a tailbonebreaker on the ladder. Hardy sets up the ladder and starts a climb - it'll be Bubba Ray to stop him, climbing up the other set of rungs - right, head to the top rung, headbutt, ohhh suplex coming up - SUPERPLEX OFF THE LADDER! Four men in the ring, nobody moving. Another "Holy shit" chant. Subway Replay of the superplex from the beltcam. van Dam is up first...climbing soooooo slooooowly...reaching - Bubba Ray up after him - right, right, van Dam falls off the ladder. Dudley falls off as well. Jericho drags himself up and now HE starts up the ladder - it'll be Spike up after him - no, Jericho kicks him away - Spike back up - Jericho kicks him away - Jericho paws the belts but ends up swinging them away from him - and Spike shoves the ladder, sending Jericho FLYING off the ladder all the way down to the floor! Both refs check on Jericho and Hebner makes the "X" (oh oh) - Subway Replay and it's hard to tell how Jericho injured himself but it certainly seems possible. Back to the ring and it's Spike climbing up - he's nowhere near the belts, though - in fact, he may be too short...Christian pulls him down - Spike right, right, right, goes for the Dudley 'dog but Christian shoves HIM to the floor, through a table. One more broken tailbone on the list. Subway Replay confirms that ain't the best way to go through a table - as if there were a GOOD way. Christian and Bubba Ray look to dance next - Christian heading up the ladder and Bubba Ray grabbing the second ladder and climbing alongside him - Christian grabbing the belts - Bubba Ray grabbing Christian - BUBBABOMB off the ladders to the mat! van Dam climbs the ropes in the corner - Fivestar frog splash on Christian! Hardy's turn, climbing the ropes - swantonbomb MISSES Bubba! Hardy runs at Bubba but gets backdropped over the top rope and down through a table! Dudley with a chair - van Dam with a van Daminator! Subway Replay of Hardy going through the exploding table. van Dam climbing up - the ladder isn't quite under them, though, and before he can pull them, Jericho is back in with a chairshot to van Dam's rump. Well, I guess he wasn't THAT injured. Jericho climbs up after van Dam - gutshot, gutshot, elbow, elbow, van Dam over the top of the ladder - Jericho with an inverted tarantula arcing van Dam over the ladder! Jericho shoves him off and he flips to the mat...and outside. Jericho climbs the ladder...but Kane is back in and climbing the other side - Jericho right, right, right, reaching, not there, right, right, Kane with a choke, Jericho rams Kane's head into the ladder, again, Kane shakes his head NO SALE and CHOKESLAMS Jericho off the ladder to the floor! This would be a good time for a zombie situp - HOLY SHIT ZOMBIE SITUP - Kane repositions the standing ladder and climbs - we're already two minutes past 11:05 so this surely is it? One title grabbed - two titles grabbed - bell rung and champs retain. But Kane did it ALL BY HIMSELF. (25:10) But the music cuts - TRIPLE H & RIC FLAIR are apparently out for "Hello, David McLane" - Flair points at H Snoop style, and H says "Kane, I promised you that before this night was over, your life would never be the same. You said this is the happiest you've ever been in your life, huh? Well unfortunately, some people always can't be that happy. ["Ass hole!"] Lemme ask you a question, Kane - how happy is Katie Fick? Yeah, that's right - I know, Kane. I know it all. Ten years ago...you killed her. That's right, Kane. You...are a murderer." Closeup on Kane - RAW Zone Credits - WW logo - goodbye. Geez, did they *have* to pick the German word for FUCK? Exactly which German speaking country are they trying to get back at anyway...and for WHAT? Maybe we'll find out NEXT WEEK!!