QUICK QUOTE: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey it's the big anniversary! WWE 7.15 (- .22, last year: 11.01, two years ago: 14 7/8, three years ago: 23 7/8) For those of you keeping score, the new, NEW all-time low is now 6.76 - set last Wednesday. The all-time HIGH, by the way, was set on the first day of trading, 19 October 1999, at - get this - *34*. Of course, it ended up settling down that day and closing at 25.25, and I don't have to tell you it NEVER got that high again. What does it all mean? Well...I guess I just hope you don't have any in YOUR 401(k). (Of course, it's still worth more than XO...) TONIGHT: Boy howdy we made it through a whole promo without mentioning there was a pay-per-view last night! Stick around for a six-person intergender match when Booker T & Goldust team with Trish Stratus to take on Christian & Chris Jericho & Victoria! Belts on both sides, issues unsettled, intrigue, diabolical mayhem destruction and other big words to come! Also, an interview with Shawn Michaels - STILL in a wheelchair? Man, leave it to the kid to STILL find ways to bite on Bret Hart IT'S ON IN ELEVEN MINUTES The following is a special Vegas Month Presentation! Because...Nashville...is the....Vegas...of............. TV-14-DLV - CC - Attitude - Entertainment - Mug Pay-per-view opener kicks off the show - well, the Kane/HHH piece of it, anyway No credits, NORO, instead we go straight to an entrance by TRIPLE H, accompanied by RIC FLAIR. TONIGHT: Shawn Michaels updates us on his condition! "I have got a message for all the boys in the back, for all the fans - for all the 'writers' that said that I did not deserve to be handed the World's Heavyweight Championship - I've just got one thing to say to you all - SCREW YOU." Hahahaha "I have defeated every single person that has stepped in this ring with me, and after last night, I ended twenty-three years of intercontinental title history. I do what I wanna do, when I wanna do it, and there is not a damn thing that anybody can do about it. And the reality of it is, Naitch, the reality of it is, I can do it because in this world, I am *untouchable.* And not only am I deserving to be the World's Heavyweight Champion, I damn well might be the greatest World's Champion of all time. And beating Kane..." pause for "You Suck" chant "And beating Kane last night was just - lemme see, how would you say it - it's kinda like one more nail in Katie Vick's coffin. Y'know, and and - and speaking of nailing Katie Vick...you know, Kane's not even here yet, Ric - God, you know - I, I hope Kane hasn't gotten into a car accident and killed somebody." HAHAHAHAHAHA "But you know what, you know, Kane, I can't blame 'im - he probably just doesn't want to show up tonight and get in the ring with his partner, RVD - and face the Nature Boy and the Game tonight. Either that, or Kane hasn't shown up because he's got wind of this videotape. You see, I have the answers to all of last week's burning questions of whether or not Kane had sex with Katie Vick when she was alive...or if he waited until she was dead. Oh yeah, that videotape is the proof, and the fact is I've gotta warn everybody because that is the most graphic and salacious videotaped footage I have ever seen in my life. And after you have seen it, I can promise you this: you people will NEVER look at Kane the same way again. So you know what, I just..." HURRICANE hits the ring at this point - Flair tries to stop him, but he ducks, flying clothesline off the ropes - ducks H, right, right, right, right, right, into the ropes is reversed, ducks, neckbreaker - grabs the tape and the chase is on outside the ring - Flair chases him right into a clothesline from H - the doubleteam is on - Hurricane meets the STEEL steps. H collects his belt...then the videotape. "I'll tell you what...it's not gonna matter, superhero - it's not gonna matter what you do - it's not gonna matter if Kane shows up. Because I'm gonna show this videotape, and when I do, this issue with Kane, it's gonna be just like Katie Vick - DEAD." And one more stomp on Hurricane. Play his music! Why does Bob keep having to make these CSI presentations? The show's been on for WEEKS! In the local slot, we get an ad for UFC knockoff "King of the Cage: Sudden Impact," taking place in Reno at the Silver Legacy next Friday (1 November). Dan Severn RETURNS! butIbethedoesn'tactuallyfightanybody ANYWAY that's an interesting targetting of a spot... but it may just be that my new cable company is better about targetting spots than my old one was...did I mention I moved? Yeah The WWE Slam of the Week is brought to you by Sony Pictures' "Half Past Dead" - from last week, Al Snow and Christopher Nowinski and Tommy Dreamer...wait, THIS is the Slam OF THE WEEK? COME ON JEFF HARDY (Cameron, North Carolina - 218 pounds) v. CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI (Cambridge, Massachusetts - 260 pounds)
referee: CHAD PATTON
Oh, I get it - 'cause Nowinski is wrestling here. Geez, Nowinski looks kinda off during his entrance - maybe they could get him some trunks that aren't simultaneously loose AND tight in all the wrong spots. Lockup, full nelson by Nowinski, snapmares him over, flourish. We go again - lockup, side headlock by Nowinski, chain wrestling, shoves him away. Hardy wants to go right now but Patton keeps 'em separated. We go again - lockup, side headlock by Nowinski...Hardy powers out, shot nuff there's the shoulderblock by Nowinski. Up and over, leapfrog by Hardy, Hardy shoves Nowinski up and over and out. Here he goes - Hardy runs the ropes, vaults OVER Patton and hits the somersault plancha on Nowinski! ALMOST too short but he does make it, so let's give him the Xbox Replay. Nowinski meets the apron. Pulled up to be brought back in, but Nowinski drops down and hot shots Hardy. Nowinski back in for a blatant choke for 4. Forearm in the back - pulled to the center for an elbowdrop, elbowdrop, cover 2. Another cover, another 2. Right hand, into the ropes, but Hardy hits an Austin press for 2. Nowinski right back up, ramming Hardy into the bottom turnbuckle, then climbing on his back and bouncing. Oklahoma roll gets Nowinski 2. Another knockdown. Hooks the leg for 2. Gutwrench...into a gutbuster. 1, 2, no. Hardy sent into the corner sternum first. Nowinski points to his brain as if to say "I am smart." Stomp. Hardy sneaks in a small package and gets 2, but Nowinski immediately clotheslines him down again. Hooks the leg, 2. 2 again. Ross reminds us that Velocity will be on at 8 this week, with Confidential on at 9. (TV listings say it's "Rodeo" at 10 - they're pre-empting WWE for RODEO? Man, that *can't* be a good sign, can it?) Hardy FINALLY thinks about a comeback - right, right, right, into the ropes, reversed, ducks, Nowinski counters another Austin press attempt into a hot shot - 1, 2, no. Double underhook into a...umm, slam, I guess - 1, 2, Hardy's out! Stomp. Into the ropes, head down, Hardy slides under and delivers the uppercut. Hardy with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," right, right, right, into the ropes, Nowinski reverses but Hardy lands a flying fist. Catches the kick, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, sitout jawbreaker (ugh Nowinski has trouble selling THAT). Speaking in tongues double legdrop, and now he's going up...but Nowinski rolls out - so Hardy lands the double axehandle from the top to the floor instead. Patton encourages Hardy to get back in the ring, and while he does so, Nowinski moves over to the timekeeper's table and grabs a chair...but before he can use it, AL SNOW appears on the apron and tries to pull the chair away from him. This holds up Nowinski just enough to eat a dropkick to the chair to the face by Hardy. Now Hardy's going up again for the swantonbomb - Snow pulls Nowinski out of the way and Hardy lands on the chair (and it was a truly Herculean effort for Patton to miss THAT). Nowinski looks to and fro, sees a man down and promptly pins Hardy for the 1, 2, 3. (5:54) Snow keeps the cold look on his face and takes off as Nowinski celebrates his victory. Replays of what happened - looks like Nowinski kicked Snow away after he dragged him...no idea where they're going with this - or, sadly, if I care. (On the upside, that's better than KNOWING I *don't* care....umm, right?) In his office, a scowling Eric Bischoff views a tape of his encounter with The Big Show from last night. Knock knock - "come on in, Show." But it's Stacy Keibler. She wants to referee a match because she had so much fun last week. Bischoff says whatever, fine, pick any match that isn't the main event. She thanks him and takes off, saying "Hey, Show" on her way out. "So you wanted to see me?" Bischoff says about last night, it's all water under the bridge - and he really wants to tell him about his match tonight. He'll be facing Rico. "Rico." "...and Jamal, and Rosey. Kind of a three on one handicap match." "What?" "Oh yeah, you're gonna love it. And you know what the best part is? (laughs) There's not a damn thing you can do about it! Good luck, Show!" Show thinks about making him flinch...but walks off. Eric's smile returns to a scowl. Stacker 2 ad (Bubba Ray Dudley) - isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 kind of like trying to sell fiber-free Metamucil? Saliva Survivor Series spot Dreamer catches up to Snow and asks him what's up with causing him to lose to Nowinski last week. "Look, it was never my intention for you to lose. Chris is still one of my kids and I didn't want to see the kid get hurt last week, Tommy." "Well maybe YOU'RE gonna get hurt tonight, Al...'cause we're gonna have a Singapore cane match." He walks off before Snow can continue talking. Nowinski arrives from behind the curtain at this point. "Hey - I want to talk to you." "And I want to talk to you, too." "Oh do you?" "Listen, Al - thanks, but no thanks. I don't need, didn't need your help to get into the WWE...I sure as hell don't need it now." LANCE STORM & WILLIAM REGAL (470 pounds) v. BUBBA RAY & SPIKE DUDLEY (460 pounds) in a #1 Contenders' Match
referee: CHARLES ROBINSON
Storm & Regal bring out Canada and UK flags this week - unfortunately, somebody forgot to tell the video guys that we've moved away from the upside down US flag because the video walls on either side of the stage underneath the 'tron *still* show upside down stars and bars. Ha ha, that kooky Regal has HIS flag upside down! (Just kidding.) "If I can be serious for a minute...let me set the record straight. The Un-Americans are finished. But William Regal and myself are very much together. Because we share one common view - and that's that this country is nothing more than a zoo filled with crazed savages." He's right, you know. "Look how much of a cesspoll this country has become. People are even frightened of leaving their own homes! How far does this country have to deteriorate before you people listen to us and realise we know what we're bloody well talking about? You people should all be thorougly ashamed of yourselves." No word on which of Bubba Ray or Spike is the loopier this week. Spike and Storm start - waistlock by Storm, rides him down, spins around, armbar, reversed, reversed, reversed, Spike drops down, forearm, leglace takedown and hooks the arm into a pinning predicament and Spike gets 2! That looked neat. Storm wants the test of strength - which is funny, because the crowd wants tables. Knuckles locked - Storm with a knee, then a forearm in the back. Into the ropes, Spike off with a bulldog. Storm blocks the atomic drop but eats the clothesline for 2. Tag to Bubba - right hand, side headlock, Storm tries to reverses but Bubba's still got it on - two kidney shots by Storm and he manages to power out but - get this - Bubba comes off the ropes with a shoulderblock - off the ropes, up and over, Storm's hiptoss blocked, Bubba with a gutshot into a swinging neckbreaker. Back to the side headlock. Right by Bubba, head to the buckle, open-handed slap, into the ropes is reversed, Regal with a shot to the back of the head that Bubba sells like death (the concussion) - and Storm adds a heel kick to the same spot. Tag to Regal. Stomp, stomp, stomp, each boot landing on the back of the head. Cobra clutch applied - Regal wants to go for the left, but Bubba ducks and manages a back body drop. Split screen shows Kane arriving - does he drive around with that mask on? I guess he does! Bubba clutches his head and makes the tag - Spike with a dropkick, dropkick, free shot for Storm, forearm for Regal, 1, 2, Storm saves. All four men in the ring, right by Bubba on Storm, clotheslines him outside. Scoop...and a slam for Regal. "What Are You Doing?" prevented when Storm comes in and shoves off Bubba - so Spike leaps off the top with a huracanrana for Storm, instead. Regal barrels him over for behind - but only gets 2! Forearm, forearm, into the corner, whips Storm into...nobody home. Bubba with a right for Regal, catches Storm's superkick and gives Storm a Bubbabomb - meanwhile, Spike gives Regal a Dudley 'dog and hooks the leg - 1, 2, 3! The New Dudley Boyz are the #1 Contenders. (3:27) Post match, Storm superkicks Bubba in the back of the head and he goes TIMBERRRRRRR. Ducks the swing from Spike and applies a full nelson - Regal back in and his left is loaded - three lefts to the abdomen and Spike is out. Play their music, 'cause they LOST! Spike gives us some "internal injuries" blood before we head to the break. Catch the WWE live! Friday, Topeka! Saturday, Wichita! Sunday, Toledo! And next week is RAW in Detroit! Tough Enough III ad - everybody hates Scott - Man, I'M sold on watching it NOW! Here's a look at the Nashville skyline...and the Gaylord Entertainment Center. This might be a good time to mention that this is RAW #491 coming to you LIVE 21.10.2 on THE NEW TNN! and possibly on TSN if there isn't something better on to pre-empt it (like rodeo) TONIGHT: Booker T & Goldust & Trish Stratus v. Christian & Chris Jericho & Victoria! Backstage, the intrepid eyes and ears of the WWE camera catch a private moment between a photographer and Trish Stratus. Christian & Chris Jericho interrupt. "Hit the bricks, junior." "Get lost, you pansy!" "Don't you worry about what WE want, Trish - 'cause I KNOW what YOU want. WE just came here to wish you good luck in the match tonight." "Yeah, and we believe you too, Trish. I mean, any woman who'd crawl around on her knees and bark like a dog for Vince McMahon--" They take turns barking to her chest - I mean, her. "Yeah, any chick like that would never sleep her way to the top, would she? Come on." "Haha, and that's obvious, Trish. But what we really came here to say is we want you to pass on a message to your little buddies Goldust & Booker T, and that is this: last night, Chris Jericho showed the world that *I* am NOT a SUCKER!" "An' I ain't not no sucka, neither!" "But what I am is a HUGE rock star, and WE are the tag team champions of the world - we showed that last night, and we'll show it agayne, and agayne, and agayne, and agayne! And as far as those 'stories' Victoria's been telling about you, Trish, I think the truth...I see how you've been looking at me. I know you want me." "Aw, it's so obvious, come on." "And I think after the match, you should come back to my dressing room and get what you REALLY want...an injection of Vitamin.....C." Off they go. "Talk about delusional." THE WIFESWAPPER is back, and better than ever. "And I LOVE each and every one of you people, too! Hey hey hey hey - but tonight, Big Show's going to find out what happens when you lay your hands on Eric Bischoff. And at Survivor Series, Stephanie McMahon is going to find out what happens when you try to outPROMOTE Eric Bischoff. Now make no mistake about it, that Hell in the Cell match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker, it was a spectacle. No, it was a bloodbath! No mistake about it. But it is going to pale in comparison to the match that *I* have in mind. You see, at Survivor Series, you are going to witness an ingenious creation - one that could only come from the mind...of Eric Bischoff. At Survivor Series, you WILL bear witness...to the elimination chamber." Long pause. So they hit his music! OMG WHAT IS THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER Stacy Keibler is WALKING! Eric Bischoff hallway photo count: 5 Batista vignette - "The Genetic Revolution has begun" Special Guest Referee: STACY KEIBLER
D'LO BROWN (already in the ring - Chicago, Illinois - 268 pounds) v. TEST (Toronto, Ontario - 282 pounds)
Test has silver trunks! Call your mom! Keibler parts the ropes for Test...hmm, you think they're re-establishing the continuity of....naaaah. Nobody remembers that but Cubs and me. Stacy has some instructions for both men but unlike the professional refs, she's camera unaware and has her back to us. (Or, possibly since we want to look at her ass, she's actually QUITE camera aware.) After saying a few words, she hauls off and slaps Brown, then rings the bell. Test gets some yuks, then saves Keibler from retaliation with a forearm in the back, forearm, right, into the ropes, biiig back body drop. Xbox Replay of the slap. Back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, back elbow, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick. Gee, Stacy isn't counting to five and they're sure in the corner for a long time. Test does his Stacy impression by putting a boot to the neck. Opposite corner whip...and a clothesline follows. Back to the first corner - two boots up on the charge. Test hooks the punch but before he can do something, Brown drops down and kicks him away. Brown ducks, flying jalapeno off the ropes, clothesline, Test ducks but Brown hits a heel kick. Scoop...and a slam. Standing flourish legdrop. Leg is hooked - sloooooooow 1, sloooooooow 2....kickout. Right hand by Brown, into the ropes is reversed into a gutshot - Test wants the Meltdown but Brown gets out, and hits the Sky Hi...but unfortunately, Stacy's show needs to be tied, and her back is to the action. Brown up from behind. Stacy points to her patch but Brown ain't hearing it. Brown turns back to eat the Wotsitolla Boot - Stacy rabbits a 1, 2, 3 (2:22) and then they have share a big hug. Golly, it IS lost continuity! Hey watch those fingers, Test. She seems enamoured with his new pecs, har har har. When's Test's immunity up again? TERRI has Victoria backstage. "Hold up, Terri. Are you calling me a liar? Trish Stratus is the one who's a liar. Trish Stratus is the one that chose her personal career over our friendship. Trish Stratus, she said...we'd make it together." Goldust has snuck behind her and is making crying mime faces. "The truth is...Trish Stratus, she's the liar. The truth is, she said she'd never leave me behind. The truth is--" "(inhales) (as Sylvester) The truth IS, girlfriend...you CRAZY (bites)." "How DARE you - you don't know what I've gone through. You don't know the pain that I have...endured. ...what?" "WHAT UP DOG!" "Are you calling me dog?" "Calm down, calm down. So, uh...you teaming up with Christian and Jericho, right? Well the one thing I do know, you can't spell Jericho without the H-O hoooooooo! Jericho, he's talking about giving Trish a dose of Vitamin C? Well I'm gonna give him a dose of Vitamin P - straight up his Punk ass like a large-mouth bass. Now can u dig THAT...SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Goldust adds a pat on her rump on his way out. Terri is amused by her ex-husband! The WWE Burn of the Night is brought to you by Stacker 2! From No Mercy last night, Stratus pins Victoria...then Victoria kicks her after the match TRISH STRATUS - THE FITNESS MODEL (Women's Champion - Toronto, Ontario) and GOLDUST (Hollywood, California - 260 pounds - with RAW Credits & transmitido en espanol SAP) and BOOKER T (Houston, Texas - 256 pounds - with TV-14-DLV & CC boxes - with RAW is brought you by Atari's "Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee," Greyhound and Snickers!) v. VICTORIA (Los Angeles, California) and CHRISTIAN (co-tag team champion - Toronto, Ontario - 224 pounds - with RAW in Detroit hype) and CHRIS JERICHO (co-tag team champion - Winnipeg, Manitoba - 227 pounds) in roasting, toasting intergender action
referee: NICK PATRICK
How long do six entrances take? About four and a half minutes. How long will this match take? I'd guess about four and a half minutes. I've saved you an hour of "videotape" coming up hype, by the way. Thanks aren't necessary but greatly appreciated. Stratus decides she and Victoria should start, and the Austin press and punches show it. Right, kick, kick, kick, 1, 2, no. Victoria manages a drop toehold into the bottom rope. Into the ropes, big back body drop. Stratus manages a kick, and Victoria decides to tag out to Christian. Xbox Replay. Christian won't let her tag. Christian advances, saying a lot...finally she slaps him one. He ain't pleased. Again, he stands between her and a tag - but she goes between the legs and makes it to the corner! In comes Booker T - Harlem side kick, right, chop, slap, chop, slap, chop, right for Jericho as HE comes in, but that was enough of a distraction for Christian to take control - forearm in the back, forearm, right, into the ropes, clothesline ducked, flying jalapeno by T! Arm wringer into the back heel kick, cover - 2. Chop by T, right, chop, into the ropes, reversed, Jericho from behind on T - T turns back and punches him off the apron. VICTORIA grabs his hair from the apron...and hangs on until Christian can shove him over the top to the floor. Goldust into the ring, but all he does is monopolise Patrick's attention whilst Jericho and Victoria each stomp away on T. Christian outside, right hand, back in the ring. Jericho in without a tag, hooks the leg, 1, 2, no. Vertical suplex - Jericho got him over! Stomp, right, right, right, right, chop, blatant choke. "Booker T" chant. Elbow to the back of the head, into the corner, T up and over with a crisscross rollup - 1, 2, NO! Jericho with a forearm smash off the ropes. Elbowdrop. Tag to Christian. Free shot, right, T right, right, right, off the ropes, but Christian buries the knee. Hooks the leg, 1, Goldust breaks it up. Christian goes to the chinlock and adds a knee in the back. T makes it back to his feet - elbow in the gut, elbow, off the ropes but Christian hits a dropkick...and tags Jericho. Jericho climbing to the top and landing on the leg Christian was holding out for him. Jericho cups his ear before going back to T - right, right, right is blocked, T right, right, right, right, into the ropes, head down, Jericho kicks - Jericho off the ropes but caught - BIG BIG spinebuster and both men are down! Everybody wants a tag - well, the men do, anyway - Tag to Goldust! Right, right, right for Christian, Jericho into the ropes, BIG back body drop, atomic drop for Christian and a clothesline, buttbutt for Victoria (!), powerslam for Jericho, 1, 2, NO!! Jericho into the corner, whip is reversed, but the boot is up by Goldust - BULLDOG! 1, 2, no! Awww, remember when that was his move? Jericho reverses the whip and hits a back elbow - Goldust slumps into the corner and Trish decides she WILL tag herself in - climbing to the top for the (awful) crossbody - 1, 2, Jericho kicks out! Off the ropes, Christian ankles her and pulls her outside. Meanwhile, Goldust sets up Jericho for Shattered Dreams...but before he does, Victoria comes in with a forearm to the back. 'dust starts quivering, catches her punch, rubs himself and PLANTS one on her. Then shoves her into the corner, causing her to crotch the climbed-on-top-when-we-warn't-lookin' Jericho. Patrick tesnds to all this and misses Christian braining 'dust with the belt - that takes him out. T with a superkick on Christian, clotheslines HIM out of the ring. Stratus back in - handstand 'rana out of the corner on Jericho! But she runs RIGHT into a DEVASTATING clothesline from Jericho. Jericho wastes no time with the Walls of Jericho and Stratus wastes no time tapping out. (Boeing 7:07) Only a kick from Booker T breaks up the hold. Play his music again! We take the replays - Jericho wins THIS time, too! For an encore, Jericho doesn't forget to invite Stratus to his locker room one more time. HA! "You don't play this tape until I tell you to play this tape, you got it? Undertand?" From the production truck, Triple H is WALKING!! This week on Confidential: Kelsey Grammer vs. Tough Enough! Of course, the graphic still says "11/10PM" even though it's airing at 9/8 this week. Remember when they'd have people who wouldn't let mistakes like this get by and make it to air? It seems so long ago.... Another "King of the Cage at Silver Legacy" local spot Feast your eyes on the WWE.com homepage - thanks for watching No Mercy, everybody! Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY & JERRY. LET'S SEE THE TAPE Terri stands in front of an exciting door! She hopes that Kane will have a few words for them after we watch the tape. Over to JONATHAN COACHMAN, who stands at the interview set with Triple H. Why's he doing this? "Why am I doing this? 'cause I wanna show the world what kind of a man Kane is. You know, I called him a murderer, but he's a whole lot worse than that; he's some kinda twisted psychopath, some kinda sick freak. Believe me, only a man like Kane could do the type of thing I'm about to show you on this videotape. Now I gotta warn you: this is NOT for the squeamish. Roll the footage." Graphic: "WARNING The following scene contains material that may offend some viewers. DISCRETION IS ADVISED" Graphic on tape: "10/09/92 2:30am" Looks like a funeral home, complete with open casket. Why there'd be a cameraman here is anybody's...ohhh, never mind. I got it. "Hello. It's me, Kane. Is anyone here?" Well, it's not Kane entering the room - it's Triple H dressed up in a Kane mask and "BIG FREAK'N MACHINE" T-shirt. He approaches the coffin. "Hello, Katie. God...you look so good. Katie, you might look better - dead - than you did alive. You know, Katie...it didn't have to be like this. You didn't have to die. If you'd'a just given me what I wanted - if you'd'a just let me touch you...Katie, in that car. If you'd'a just...touch your beautiful breasts, then I wouldn't have swerved and gone off the road. And you would still be alive. Yes you would. Y- Yes you would - don't - no. N-- you would, too, you would still be alive and it's your fault. That's right. That's right, it is your fault, and you know it. 'cause I loved you, Katie - and you - you didn't love me when you were alive, because I was...some burnt up freak. What's that? Really? Now that you're...you're dead, you want me? I want you too, Katie. I've always wanted you, Katie. Look at you. I want you more than ever now - in your cheerleader uniform. I used to watch you bounce up and down. Your panties...would show. You know....if you want me, and I want you then there's no reason that...we shouldn't...be together." Picture gets pixellated where he feels her up. "Ohhhhh yeah. You like that, huh. Shhhhhhh. Don't be too loud. Your parents are next door, Katie. The other hand too? Ohhhh yeah. That's good. You know, Katie...you feel kinda stiff. Speaking of...stiff...maybe....maybe I should do what I've always wanted to do. You want me to?" He removes his shirt. "Yeah, Katie, I thought you would - I thought you'd never ask, but...I understand now you - you can't resist me. Maybe you should take off some clothes, too, Katie - I mean - maybe... maybe I should... (removes bra) This'll help. I bet it feels good to have them free, doesn't-- ohhh yes it certainly does. You know, Katie...these panties that I always saw under your skirt...you won't need these... (he smells 'em - eww) - ohhhh, I love the smell of formaldehyde in the morning. Katie...I'm gonna give you what you want. And I'm gonna take what I always wanted." Fortunately, we're from the chest up as he drops trou...then climbs in the coffin, lifts a leg... "What's that? Oh, I'm going to. Yeah. I'm gonna give you what you always wanted, Kaite - tell me how bad you want it - tell me - yessssss." We move to shots of flowers and candles and background music covering up the sounds of... oh who knows. "Oh - oh - oh, Katie - oh - who's your daddy, Katie, huh? That's it. Who's your daddy? Oh." Back to the picture as "Kane" sighs. "I hope that was as good for you as it was for me. What's that? I did? You're kidding me. I really did? I did? Oh my God...I did. I really did it! I really did... (displays - ugh) I screwed your brains out!" And he throws them on the camera lens. Back to H, who has to put his head on Coach's shoulder, he's laughing so hard. "Ohhhh what a sick freak!" Now back to Terri, who thinks Kane won't really want to talk to anybody after that. She'll try, though. She opens the door a little bit...but it slams in her face. MAN, THIS SURE MAKES ME WANT TO PAY $34.95 FOR THE NO MERCY ENCORE! Well at least no lesbians were harmed, so TNN will be happy Booker T shills chicken 'n' ribs AL SNOW (Tough Enough III - Lima, Ohio - 246 pounds - with Let Us Take You Back to Earlier TOnight) v. TOMMY DREAMER (Yonkers, New York - 252 pounds) in a Singapore cane match
referee: JACK DOAN
Those are KENDO STICKS, by the way. Say, when do they teach the kendo technique during Tough Enough, anyway? I guess never - when CHRISTOPHER NOWINSKI comes out, he ends up braining Snow with a stick when Dreamer ducks - and Dreamer covers for the pin. (2:22) Replay. Dreamer seems sorry - what, sorry HE didn't get to be the one to knock Snow the fuck out? Oh yeah - they had the onsale crawl during this match. I know you were wondering. TONIGHT: Big Show vs. Rico, Jamal & Rosey! "WWE Divas Undressed" available tomorrow on DVD & VHS! (If you REALLY wanted it, you'd have taped it when it aired on THIS channel) Survivor Series tickets go on sale at MSG Saturday - meet Eric Bischoff at the box office, just don't throw anything at him! Heavens! ROSEY & JAMAL & RICO (952 pounds) v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (Tampa, Florida - 500 pounds) in a handicap match
referee: Robinson
They've added Bischoff's voice saying "Did I just hear myself say 'three minutes?'" to Jamal & Rosey's music, just so you know ten seconds sooner that it's them....I guess. Of course, they start out attacking black ninja style, but at least when that doesn't work they try to attack en masse - Show shoves them all away, however, and they go back to one at a time. Everyone ends up outside for a huddle...Show is content to wait for someone to come back in. They end up on three sides of the ring. Sneak attack fails and AGAIN they go one at a time. Show is ready to give a double chokeslam to Rico but Jamal & Rosey both attack from behind. Into the ropes, Show runs right through the doubel clotheslines and clotheslines both of THEM out of the ring. Rico tries some of his impressive array of kicks but has no effect. Well it's the big slap in the corner - another one - well it's the big beal across the ring. Goozled him again - Jamal & Rosey back in to save. Lots of forearms in the back. Holding him for a superkick from Rosey. Double elbowdrop, Rico elbowdrop, double elbowdrop, Rico elbowdrop. They hold up Show for another kick from Rico, but Show puts up a boot and stops him, then pulls Jamal & Rosey into a collision - double clothesline - scoop....and a slam on...one of them. Sidewalk slam on...the other one. Rico right has no effect - Show slides him out of the ring. Rosey thrown out. Jamal gets ahhhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM and Show covers - 1, 2, 3! (2:54) Wow, they really buried the big superstar from the gay wedding and the guys they built up for weeks and weeks just then, didn't they? Replays of Show's domination, just to make sure we get the picture. Shawn Michaels is W---WHEELING! Catch the SmackDown! crew live in Memphis tomorrow, a week from tomorrow in Grand Rapids, Saturday in Wilkes-Barre and Sunday in Bethlehem! WWE Anthology ad (Ultimate Warrior) Coach has Show at the interview set - Bischoff halts the interview, saying Show has just been traded...and he'll also be hearing from his attorney in the morning. Show turns back to Coach. "Don't feel sorry for me...you've still gotta work for that (beep)." Camera looks right to see Hurricane opening the trunk of a car...and standing by. Commentators remind us that the main event is still to come You are looking live at The World! Let Us Take You Back to SummerSlam, where Triple H gave Shawn Michaels two sledgehammer shots Now INSIDE The World, Shawn Michaels wheels out to his music. "Well, Jim, I have to tell ya - I'm feeling better than the last time we talked. I'm not quite a hundred percent yet, and every morning I wake up, I still remember what I did for a living, and I certainly remember that last match at SummerSlam with Triple H, and - and him hitting me with that sledgehammer. Uh...as far as the rehab is concerned, it's going well, it's just, it's goin' slow. Uhh, there's times I think to myself, you know, forget it, just give up. You know, I've got nothin' else to prove, my career stands for itself, and I think that last match that I had with Triple H can also stand on its own merit. But then I realise that everything I do in my life, and certainly, everything I do here in the WWE is a testimony to, to God, my wife and my son and their impact and influence on my life, and then I realise that giving up is not an option. And ah, and that feeling of not giving up always brings me back to Triple H; you know, I know he sits there each and every Monday night and feels this great sense of accomplishment, he's the guy that put the great HBK out of business, he put him in the wheelchair just like he said he was going to do. But Triple H needs to understand one thing: I've told him once, and I'm gonna tell him again - don't hunt what you can't kill. Now I realise I don't look good, but the fact of the matter is, I'm gonna get ya somewhere down the line...and if you're a little bit skeptical, lemme prove to ya just how far I've come." And...HE STANDS UP!!!!! Well, he makes it rather dramatic, first faking that he can't actually do it...then he just springs up like he was never hurt at all (wink). Now in the HBK voice, he says "See the fact of the matter is...ol' HBK is and has been on the comeback trail. Triple H, somewhere down the line, from this moment on, each and every Monday night, I wantcha lookin' over your shoulder to the left, I wantcha lookin' over your shoulder to the right. Because HBK is up, and he's mobile! That means I could be comin' from the ramp, I could be comin' from the crowd, I could be comin' from underneath the ring, I could be comin' from the rooftop - you don't know, and you don't know where, you don't know when, but this I can assure you...HBK is comin' back - and somewhere down the line, HBK is gonna GIT ya!" Then he...breaks into softshoe! Woooo! Tough Enough III ad #2 CSI is NEXT! Stacker 2 ad #2 - hey, isn't trying to sell ephedra-free Stacker 2 a bit like trying to sell an all-instrumentals rap album? CSI is coming up at (ha) 11:05! "Always" by Saliva is the theme song of Survivor Series, here's a look at THEIR CD RIC FLAIR (Charlotte, North Carolina - 234 pounds - with tomorrow in Memphis hype - umm how can Lawler wrestle if it's a SmackDown! show?) and TRIPLE H (World Heavyweight Champion Greenwich, Connecticut - 272 pounds - with Xbox presents Survivor Series!) v. ROB VAN DAM (Battle Creek, Michigan - 235 pounds) and KANE (Parts Unknown - 326 pounds)
referee: EARL HEBNER
Ross pronounces wunderkind "wonder kind" and I am not even gonna try to go back and figure out why he wanted to even use that word in the first place. Maybe he'll bust out "surcease" in a few minutes. Kane and van Dam rush the ring and they pair off - van Dam punching Flair in one corner (Counting Along, if any, is quiet) - Kane pummeling H in the other. Kane to one corner and the other with clotheslines, big boot for Flair, van Dam with a Super Kwang (!) on H off Kane's whip, and Kane clotheslines him out. Kane follows. Flair tries to reverse and gets a chop on van Dam, but van Dam goes back to back off the ropes, stepover heel kick - forearm, bodyslam, off the ropes with a backflip press (Ross: "ROLLING THUNDER!") for 2. H and Kane still on the outside but we're not really watching them. Forearm, forearm, into the opposite corner is reversed, but van Dam gets the elbow up. Springboard off the second rope to a kick by van Dam. Now THEY go outside as H is rolled in by Kane - Kane up after him but H is off the ropes and shoving him back to the floor (and hard into the wall). H watching - van Dam up from behind with a heel kick. Into the ropes, spin kick. van Dam vaulting to the top...but Flair shoves HIM to the floor and the barricade. H rolls out after him - hard whip into the STEEL steps. H back in, and while he and Hebner talk about the sniper, Flair is out to add further punishment. One more trip into the STEEL steps (I suppose Hebner is deaf as well) - put into the ring for H's cover - 1, 2, no. Ross now talking about Mae Young giving birth to a hand. H with a suplex, floats over for 2. Tag to Flair - held open for the kick. Another kick to the ribs, and a stomp. Stomp, stomp, stomp - Flair and Hebner having a lot of words. H goes out for a free shot while his back is turned. Flair puts him in a corner and chops - van Dam fires back with a forearm - chop by Flair, forearm by van Dam, chop, forearm, Flair breaks the stalemate with an eyepoke. Into the ropes, back elbow. Tag to H. I could not have less interest in this match, actually. van Dam tries to punch his way back into it, whip is reversed, van Dam ducks, but H lands the high knee. 1, 2, Kane saves. van Dam reaches for the tag but Kane's not in his corner, see. Flair in to pull him back - right, right, right. In the corner. Right, left, right, left, right, left, kick, kick. Into H's knee. Tag to H. Flair with a clothesline, leaving van Dam on the mat for Triple H. Vertical suplex coming up...but van Dam (almost) lands on his feet and takes H to the ropes, rolling him up for 2. H with a clothesline. Into the ropes, H applies the sleeper. van Dam drops to a knee...to two knees. "RVD" chant - this is where Herb Kunze would tell you that they're chanting about their veneral diseases. van Dam finally shoves H hard into the corner to break it. Tag to Flair...but he runs into a superkick from van Dam. van Dam STILL can't make that tag, though. Flair with a chop, so van Dam lands an elbow. Flair powers out of the side headlock, so van Dam hits a shoulderblock. Flair goes up - Ross: "This never works. I guarantee ya - you see? What an idiot. He's tried that for twenty years, and it never works!" Funnier than when The Mark did it, but *still* probably not something commentators should point out to viewers. van Dam into the ropes, ducks, viscera kick and both men are down AGAIN. Flair decides to grab the ponytail before making his tag. Right by H, head to the buckle - Lawler and Ross are talking about whether it's "ying-yang" or "yin-yang" - and being wrong. H right, right, right, right. Commentators must be as bored as I am. Into the opposite corner, van Dam springboard kick. Lawler is actually breaking down laughing at this point, and Ross is trying to berate him for it. van Dam crawling to the wrong corner. Flair in to keep Hebner from seeing the tag - you know, this is actually turning into a pretty good "tag formula" match but I don't think ANYBODY here is too into it. H slides out and Hebner again gives Kane what for. H runs van Dam into the ringpost. Slid back in - Flair covers - 1, 2, no. Flair drops the knee. Hooks the leg - 2. Into the ropes, van Dam manages a heel kick. Ross: "Folks, just turn the sound down and read the close captioning." I pity the poor transcriptionist trying to follow ANY of this...probably thinking to themselves "Man, I've *never* had to type the word 'necrophilia' so many times before!" HEY HOT TAG - Kane climbs up top for his flying clothesline, right for Flair, H into the ropes, big boot, Flair into the ropes, big back body drop, H walks into a sidewalk slam, forearm to Flair - Lawler is trying to rhyme "Hulkamanic" and "necrophiliac" and Ross is calling him on THAT. Flair chop, chop, chop, chop, right left right, everything no sold - Flair begs off, right by Kane, into the ropes, choke - H up and HE gets choked - but he kicks him in the gut before we get the double chokeslam...right by H, Kane put into the ropes, Kane with a double chokeslam! Tag to van Dam, who climbs up and...gets crotched by Flair. Kane out after H. Flair pulls van Dam back into the ring - alerts Hebner to Kane and H's shenanigans, then lets his trick knee act up on van Dam. Let's look on the ramp - H with a knee, Kane with a block and a right. Flair suplexes van Dam. Well, H and Kane are up to the top of the stage. van Dam with the inside cradle for 2. Elbow, elbow, elbow, kick, kick, whip is reversed but the elbow is up, vaults to the top, flying kick lands on Flair. Off the ropes, THERE is Rolling Thunder, van Dam ready to go up - Fivestar! 1, 2, 3. (12:21) Quick, let's go Backstage now for our Hello David McLane. Kane punches away on H, into a table...hey, you wanna bet he loads him into the waiting trunk? Into the archway of the interview set, right, H knee, but Kane reverses a whip into the Pepsi machine. "You ain't seen nothin' like me before!" Into a door. Wow, look at all the people standing around. Into the car is reversed and Kane's head is rammed into the hood. Gutshot, Pedigree attempt...countered with a double leg...and a WOW Catapult onto the hood of the car! Kane with the choke - chokeslam on the hood! COME ON PUT HIM IN THE TRUNK ALREADY...scooped up...yeeeeeeeeeeah into the trunk! Hurricane slams the door. "You better get outta here, okay? Go on, kid." After Hurricane exits, Kane kneels down and knocks on the door of the trunk. "Triple H - you hear me in there? Now...I'M gonna screw YOU. The only question is...will you still be alive...or will I just wait until you're DEAD." Man, and we all know what kinda driver Kane is...credits are up, WW Entertainment logo, and I'm gone. Wow - and to think that YOU were worried that this angle was gonna be the drizzling shits!