I GET LETTERS: One particularly angry guy not only sent me a letter
complaining about my treatment of WCW last week, he went on to send me
ANOTHER gem, which I quote here:
listen let me tell you what's going to happen on raw this week! stone
cold steve austin is going to call out mcmahon! here he comes followeed by
brisco and patterson. mcmahon starts to talk then comes the undertaker.
3seconds latercomes kane and mankind they make a match but it never
happens! surprise surprise!as for your puthetic comments [pu-th- e-tic] on
thunder being taped for 2weeks . otta 10 weeks in both wwf and wcw lets
count how many live events there are. wwf 5live events [all coming from
raw] . WCW 20 live events in that same span of time. mmmm! conspiricy
theory! the wwf can't even keep there superstars straght. heres somthing
you can feed off of I say kane and the undertaker together at a night club.
oh chris,
one word, taped!
The Internet: it's a bizarro world. All right, I confess, I'm doing my
part for the Conspiracy. Although, as long-time Usenet readers can
remember, TINC (There Is No Cabal). But damned if I can figure out what
that "Kane and the Undertaker together at a night club" is all about. Nor
do I care if it's taped or not - I really don't. But when Tony Schiavone
is a lying hypocrite, why, you can bet I'll probably say something about it.
The sad part is Gary ACTUALLY makes some pretty good points up there. RAW
*has* been formulaic, and it wouldn't take too much time to draw up a nice
Mad-Lib which would cover EVERY episode of RAW from the past month or so -
but hell, I *have* complained about it - to the point where people wrote me
asking me why I was biased against RAW - and dammit, I'm biased *for* the
WWF!
So what's my point, you ask? Ummm...I guess it's "Keep them cards and
letters coming!" They entertain me, and if they're really special, they'll
entertain YOU! And besides, what else have you done for me lately? *I*
had to sit through five hours of wrestling for YOU! Well, ok, I did it for
me mostly...
One more letter and then we'lll really get it started (tm MC Hammer -
whatever happened to that guy anyway? And is there REALLY gonna be
another Vanilla Ice album coming up soon?):
Please don't include my name in your report this week. -(name
withheld)
Don't let it be said that I never take requests.
THE UNDERTAKER appears from behind a door - and behind him, KANE follows...
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
WWF Monday Night RAW comes to you LIVE from Philadelphia, PA 24.8.98 closed
captioned and en espanol sea disponible AND rated TV-PG-V. Your hosts are
Jim Ross and Jerrly Lawler (and Carlos Cabrerra and Hugo Savitovich, making
a rare non-PPV in-arena appearance), who provide all commentary.
Of course, our opening remarks are provided by THE UNDERTAKER, who walks
side-by-side with his brother KANE. This should settle any question of
"cahoots" amongst us, I would presume, but let's see what the Phenom says
first. Ross mentions that the (Hell in the) Cell is hanging above the
ring, and sure enough, we get a shot of it. Before any comments are made,
out bounds VINCENT K. per standard formula. Happy birthday, Mr. McMahon!
"Well, finally Undertaker and Kane have come out of the casket. This is
the best television since President Clinton's mea culpa about a week ago -
after all those lies, finally we get to the truth. And the truth is,
ladies and gentlemen, *I told you so*! Let me repeat that - the truth
is...*I* *told* *you* *so*. There's no doubt that Undertaker and Kane,
combined, make the most awesome, the most destructive force in the history
of the World Wrestling Federation. And there's no doubt that with Kane at
your side this Sunday at SummerSlam, there's no doubt that you don't need
Vince McMahon to become the WWF Champion at SummerSlam. Because let me go
on record, since we're telling the truth, with or without Vince McMahon,
with Kane at your side, you will be the World Wrestling Federation
Champion once again at SummerSlam. However, Undertaker, as you look to
your reign as WWF Champion, there will come a time when you need Vince
McMahon. You'll need Vince McMahon for my wisdom. You need Vince McMahon
for my brilliant strategy and Undertaker - I'm talkin' to you - you will
need Vince McMahon for my friendship. And so, Undertaker, I ask you:
Vince McMahon - friend or foe? Now before this night is over, you think
about that, but before this night is over, I want an answer. Vince
McMahon: friend or foe? You ponder that." While we see a less than
pleased look on Undertaker's face, out comes PAUL BEARER, who is also
looking a little unhappy. In fact, you can almost see the tears welling
in his eyes - well, maybe not really. "Son! Tell me it's not true! Tell
me it's all been a lie! Tell me it's all been a dreadful nightmare! It's
me! Your father's talking to you! I'm the one who's always been there
for you...I'm the one, son! that's always loved you - something your own
mother didn't do for you, that sleazy whore!" Undertaker lunges, but Kane
stops him. "You stay out of this! Look me in the eye, son! Look me in
the eye! The same blood that runs through my veins runs through yours -
I'd never lie to you - you know who's being honest and who's being
deceitful! Listen to me, son - I'm your dad! Do one last thing for me if
you never do anything else - DESTROY HIM!" Kane turns to Undertaker.
"Destroy him please - for Daddy..." Kane turns his back, and the
Undertaker unleashes a barrage of punches on Bearer. Now here's MANKIND,
who comes in and turns his back - Undertaker attacks, and Kane *joins*
him. Kane sets up Mankind for the tombstone - Undertaker scales the
turnbuckles - DOUBLE SPIKE TOMBSTONE! McMahon: "And now Undertaker, let
me remind you - there's only one man left standing between you and the WWF
Championship - and that one man is quaking in his boots as we speak - that
one man that you will defeat at SummerSlam - Stone Cold Steve Austin" - no
sooner do we hear the name than we hear the breaking of glass. Why yes,
it's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - whoops, it's a wall of fire a la Kane's
entrance. Austin isn't burned, but he is rather surprised. After
inspecting the ramp for any more fire: "I knew all along that you two
were together and you're having a little family reunion, and I damned near
choked up in the back because I'm so happy for ya - you sonuvabitch you
damn near set me on fire here...SummerSlam is only six days away..." et
cetera. He knows against "both of ya big bastards" he doesn't have much
of a chance, so he'll just have to take one of them out tonight. "You
stand there and you play with fire and you think you're in Stone Cold
Steve Austin's head - when I get your ass at SummerSlam, I'm gonna burn
YOUR ass - and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so..."
Tonight Chyna calls out the Rock, Bradshaw and Bart Gunn fight in the
BRAWLforALL finals, we'll probably find out what's up with that (Hell in
the) Cell. Also, Shamrock/Severn III but nobody's mentioned it yet.
KING KEN SHAMROCK (with raving lunacy) v. DAN SEVERN (with a mouthpiece) -
oh, that's why. They're gonna have it right now. As Shamrock rushes the
commentators, we fade out for the first ad break.
Stri-Dex and Triple H. I don't know what they have in common either...
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - as Kane and the Undertaker combine
for a spike piledriver. During the Break, Mankind was taken off on a
gurney. Live, we see a shot of the ambulance being loaded. Let Us Take
You Back to last week where Severn won the Triple Threat match between
himself, Shamrock and Owen Hart, followed by his attack on Steve Blackman.
Shamrock rushes at Severn but he ducks the kick. Severn grabs the leg and
tries for a submission but Shamrock counters. Anklelock attempt, Severn
counters. Dueling leglocks and they roll to the ropes. Shamrock goes for
the double leg, Severn hits an axehandle and then a powerbomb. Severn
plays to the crowd. Apparently, neither man wants a pin here, they want
the submission. Faceslam by Severn. Fireman's carry takeover into an
armbar by Severn - Shamrock with a takeover. Shamrock breaks the UFC-style
monotony first with some punches. Whip into the ropes, powerslam by Severn
for 2. Maybe they DO want the pin. Fireman's carry slam by Severn.
Severn tries for the double-leg but Shamrock's in the ropes - As referee
"Blind" Tim White tries to separate the two, here comes OWEN HART to hit
Shamrock from behind - and now Hart's got Shamrock in the Dragon Sleeper
(DQ 2:53) - out comes STEVE BLACKMAN to give a big kick to Severn and break
up Hart and Shamrock. Hart and Severn take off but Shamrock has snapped -
with only Blackman left in the ring, it's *Blackman* who gets a
belly-to-belly for his troubles. This pisses off Blackman enough to give
Shamrock a belly-to-belly of his own, then HE takes off. Then Shamrock
runs around and headbutts the STEEL steps.
Backstage, we see Tony Garea on the floor looking dazed - apparently,
Mankind ran his gurney over him. Whoops, he escaped from the ambulance and
is being Mankind again. We see him rolling it off (towards - who is that,
Sable and Luna?) and fade out.
The Highway to Hell countdown is over - SummerSlam is SUNDAY! And after
that, we won't have to hear any more AC/DC for a while.
Exterior shot of Philly.
Mankind rides his stretcher down the ramp and runs into the ring. "So it
was cahoots all along. A good cub scout should always be prepared - and my
cub scout leader Mr. McMahon, he WARNED me Kane was no good...Mr. McMahon
has offered me my chance at redemption - and redemption, for me, lies right
above my head." Apparently, there's going to be a (Hell in the) Cell match
- or is there? Tonight, Mankind's going to walk to the top of the cage and
take on Kane there - oh, and there will be seven thousand thumb tacks
waiting for whoever goes through the cage. Mankind actually sticks a tack
in his head - which is, like, really gross. So tonight, Kane/Mankind. The
cell will be involved. I guess NOW we know why the Spanish commentators
are out tonight - so somebody can go through their table! HA!
Video package takes a look at Hell in the Cell 2 - where Undertaker and
Mankind did that thing that they did. It's STILL enough to make you go
"Oh, shit!"
SABLE bounces out - whoops, time for a break.
WWF War Zone for the Nintendo ad.
"Being accompanied to the ring tonight by the ODDIITES, I give you
KURRGAN!" Well, that wasn't worth sitting through an ad break. Ha! Sable
can't dance, either. Anybody miss Jackyl?
KURRGAN (with the Oddities) v. MARVELOUS MARC MERO (without Jacqueline) -
Let Us Take You Back to last week where Jacqueline is Not Sporting At All
after the arm wrestling contest with Sable - "As you can see, I'm all by
myself - and Kurrgan, if you've got any guts, you'll fight me one on one,
and get all those freaks outta here!" The Oddities are reluctant to leave
but Kurrgan says it's ok. This match consists of Mero punching, and
Kurrgan making a joke of the entire industry. Sable stays behind to smile
approvingly while Kurrgan busts the proverbial move. Whilst Kurrgan has
his way with Mero, a fan attacks Sable - well, actually it's JACQUELINE
disguised in funky dreads and floppy hat - by the time Kurrgan turns
around to see Sable getting beaten up - Mero hits the Golotta and is DQ'd
(1:46). The Oddities run out and Mero and Jackie run away through the
crowd. Don't worry though, Sable's outfit stayed on even though her hair
got a little messed up.
X-PAC takes us backstage - we see Jeff Jarrett's boots - and then we pull
back and - well, I hope he isn't REALLY urinating into them.
WWF on the Home Shopping Network is plugged - hey, isn't that Fit Finley's
music backing up this ad?
SummerSlam - 6 days away! Buy Stri-Dex!
RAW is brought to you by the JVCKaboom!box, and Castrol GTX, and WWF: The
Music Volume 2! Closed captioning brought to you by 10-10-321 (Kings of
Irony!)
ROAD WARRIOR HAWK is out acting drunk and trying to expose the business
just enough to make you wonder if it's a work or not. (Psst, it is.)
Ross says "Cut his mic" a few times and looks generally unhappy that
Hawk's sitting next to him.
SOUTHERN JUSTICE v. NEW AGE OUTLAWS - Hawk is still talking. Now
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out and he wants X-Pac out here right now -
when the house mic doesn't work, he grabs Hawk's headset. "Don't piss me
off! You shoot me from the waist up!" 'cause, you see, he's not wearing
his boots, if you catch my drift. Jarrett promises that in six days,
after he beats X-Pac, he's gonna shave him all the way. Crowd, having
nothing better to do, chants "Suck it." There IS a match going on but
none of us are paying any attention to it. This is the new, fiery,
hot-tempered Jeff Jarrett - which actually brings to mind every other Jeff
Jarrett we've ever seen. Mark Cantebury comes outside the ring to talk to
Jarrett, allowing Gunn to sneak up on Dennis Knight, hit a piledriver and
Jesse James covers for the pin (3:16). Jarrett and Southern Justice maul
a cameraman (Todd Aldredge, they said?) who panned below the waist one too
many times [there's a joke in there but I ain't touchin' it]. Then
Jarrett shaves him. [Ditto.] This is actually pretty funny and I'm not
giving it proper justice. Hawk is apparently still sitting at the
commentary table.
Backstage, we see Kane and Undertaker walking around.
The Cell is lowering when we come back. The Mankind/Kane matchup will
happen now! And then Sunday, they'll try to team up to get the belts over
to the Outlaws.
KANE (with the Undertaker, the TV-PG-V box and the RAW credits) v. MANKIND
in Hell in the Cell - I have doubts this match will stay TV-PG, can I say
that now. Mankind immediately starts to climb the cage - when two
referees try to bring him back to earth, Mankind beats 'em up. The
remaning two referees meet the floor. Kane lunges for Mankind - and meets
the door. Mankind has a chair now and it looks like he's trying to throw
it on top of the cage - he misses twice and hits Lawler the second time.
As Kane climbs the cage, Undertaker is following - ah, there goes the
Spanish commentator's table. (Ross: "It's happened again!") Crowd is
chanting "Austin." Kane runs Mankind's head into the cage. I wish I got
the SAP in my area. Taken back to the door area, Kane does the "I'm Curt
Hennig, you're Ric Flair" door shot. Finally in the cage - Kane throws
the STEEL steps into the ring. Kane uses the steps on Mankind, liberally
- first to the shoulder, then to the back. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner is
insane to be in there with those guys. Pescado (!) onto Mankind, who hits
the cage wall again. Kane throws the steps onto Mankind - no, he's out of
the way - he's also got a chair and the bag o' tacks. Chairshot to Kane!
Double chair! And now the bag is open - but Kane's got in tht first shot.
Mandible claw - Kane punches out. Mankind is throwing a lotta punches
here. Kick to the gut. Piledriver! (Not on the tacks at least). Kane
ends up sitting in the pile of tacks. Kane does the Zombie situp and
grabs the chair. Whack! Chokeslam by Kane as Undertaker looks on outside
the cage. Tombstone by Kane and Kane turns to his brother - who gives the
thumb-cross-the-throat sign. Kane takes the chair and places it
strategically. No, he picks it up - chair to the head. Ross is
apoplectic. Another chair to the skull. (Ross: "Dammit!") Time for
another tombstone, this time on the chair. Before the count can happen -
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN appears from *under* the ring and unleashes some
anger and furious vengence on Kane. Undertaker climbs the cage while
Austin takes the chair to Kane. Undertaker is trying to rip the cage
apart. Stunner for Kane! Undertaker is going through the cage - but it's
being raised! And VINCENT K. is at the controls of the cage! McMahon
apparently doesn't want you to see Austin and Undertaker for free - well,
that's just good business. Kane gets ANOTHER Stunner, and all Undertaker
can do is watch from about fifty feet in the air on top of the raised
cage. (DQ? 7:41) Austin runs after McMahon - no wait, he's got the
gurney...
WWF Sunday Night Heat is Sunday at 7! Tell 'em Hunter sent you!
When we come back, the cage has lowered and Undertaker has made his way off
of it. "Austin...I have given you far too much respect, beacuse what you
just did is come out here in front of millions of people and prove that you
are nothing more than a coward! You jumped Kane from behind with no
provocation. Well you need to understand this - when you jumped him, you
sealed your fate. And tonight, before this night ends, you will come
face-to-face with your destiny. This has nothing to do with SummerSlam -
this is personal." Kane's bleeding from the head, by the way - even with
that mask on! Wow!
Tonight - "Last Stop on the Highway to Hell" - a World Premiere video.
CHYNA is out. Let Us Take You back to last week, where Chyna stayed in
the back during the Street Fight and watched the Rock dismantle Triple H.
This week, she's going to do it her way and she's out. Here's THE ROCK.
Looks like he'll have to do all the talking, if you smell what he's
cooking. Before he gets in the ring, here's THE NATION with the ladder.
Oh, they're sweeping out tacks as we speak. "Tell you what Chyna, if you
want to act like a big shot, you want to call the Rock out, well, in the
flesh, here's the People's Champ - but before the Rock goes any farther,
he wants you to know that not for one single solitary second that this
whole damn thing wasn't a set-up to begin with." And *that's* why the
Nation is out with the Rock - in case DX had any plans for a sneak attack.
The Rock directs Chyna's attention to the TitanTron where we see that he's
parked a forklift at the door of DX (of course, the doors open INWARD but
I guess they're dumber than they look). The Rock talks about "the
People's Ladder," "the People's Champ," "the People's Choice," "the
People's Laundry Detergent," and a few other People's Items. Anyways, the
Rock tells Chyna that he knows what a crush she has on him and it ends
with "you just need to get some...and Chyna, honey, if you're lucky, about
1.30, 2 o'clock in the morning later tonight, the Rock's just the one to
give it to ya if you smell what the Rock's cookin'" She rushes the ladder
but Owen and D'Lo get her. "Put her on her knees where she belongs! ...
almost looks like a natural position." And...yeah, he tells her to
"experience the Magic of the Rock..." but instead of kissing her, he tells
her "there's no way [he'd] ever kiss a piece of trash like you!" So the
Rock asks Mark Henry to kiss her instead. Mark does a neat tongue thing -
approaches Chyna - and ... hey, there's SHAWN MICHAELS come to play the
white knight! Chair to Henry's head. The Nation scatters. Michaels
hands the chair to Chyna and goes over to the commentary table so he can
stand on it and dance to "(I'm Just A) Sexy Boy."
Backstage and out of the arena, DX is finally out of their locker room and
they're looking for the Nation. Let Us Take you back to Moments Ago where
Michaels hits Henry with the chair.
VAL VENIS v. TAKA MICHINOKU (with the Yamaguchis, no entrance) - "Hello,
ladies! You know you can forget about Pat's Cheesesteaks, and try the Big
Valbowski's - 'cause I got more meat than your buns can handle!" It's all
Taka at the start, befitting the fact that he IS a World Champion. Of
course, with Shawn Michaels sitting at the commentary table, we need to
talk some more about Shawn and Chyna - what's up with them? Val takes
control with a powerbomb and a Money Shot - thankfully, Taka is spared
embarrassment at 2 as TRIPLE H is out to chair Venis and cause a DQ (1:07)
- Helmsley chairs Michinoku for good measure. Then he gets the mic and
promises "Rocky...you're going to be my bitch!" There's a joke in THERE
and I won't touch that one either - maybe I'm just losing my touch.
Coming up NEXT - a video! Yahoo!
WWF War Zone for Nintendo ad.
Stri-Dex brings you SummerSlam on Sunday!
Here's the World Premiere of "The Highway to Hell." Well, it might be
filler, but nobody does this kind of filler quite like the WWF. You read
whatever you want into that - it's a compliment until the next time I have
to watch it. I just have one question - is that chick topless or what?
Now I know what Ross meant by "fire up your VCR's" 'cause he KNOWS we're
into the stillframe technique of analysing these kind of videos...not that
I have no life or anything better to do, oh no, not me. No sir.
Coming up next - X-Pac v. Gangrel! Backstage, Gangrel looks like Gangrel.
GANGREL (with a burning ring of fire) v. X-PAC (without Jeff Jarrett) -
Gangrel attacks before the bell - whip, reversal, shouldberlock by
Gangrel. X-Pac manages a leapfrog and a spinning heel kick - into the
corner, Gangrel eats a boot but hits a powerslam for 2. X-Pac is
chopping. Gangrel with a counter slam - he's climbing to the top - splash
misses. We see EDGE in the crowd for no good reason. X-Pac has Gangrel
to the corner. "Educated feet" - then the crowd-favourite Bronco buster.
Ah, THERE is JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET with his guitar and there's the
DQ (1:36) Well, sometimes I HATE being right. Once again, the guitar
says "DON'T PISS ME OFF" After Helmsley and Chyna take X-Pac away,
Gangrel makes it back into the ring - so EDGE can strike, for no good
reason. Gangrel is actually *smiling* though, after the refs manage to
pull them apart.
We see a split screen of Bart Gunn and Bradshaw - the BRAWLforALL finals
are NEXT! I *almost* forgot all about them...
We see Undertaker backstage, wheeling a casket - and if Kane isn't in it,
then by Gosh, where is he?
Ten minutes to the hour, and I haven't seen Al Snow yet...
Shot of the Code Red set. They might have Steve Austin after the show.
BRADSHAW v. (NO LONGER BODACIOUS) BART "LEFTY" GUNN in the BRAWLforALL
finals - winner gets $75,000 - loser gets $25,000. The Stri-Dex Triple
Action shows Bradshaw and Gunn taking apart various opponents in the
tourney. Good staredown as referee Jack Doane runs down the rules. Round
one shows Bradshaw throwing more but Bart landing more and better -
knockdown by Gunn halfway through the round! Bradshaw is GONE and doesn't
even answer Doane's questions. Gunn only needs two more punches to finish
the job. Bradshaw is knocked LOOPY. You know what the best part of this
is? Freakin' *Bob Holly* was the only one of Bart's opponents not to get
knocked out. (KO, 1st round)
MICHAEL KING COLE puts in a token appearance - he's backstage with VINCENT
K., who promises that he'll get his answer tonight. Vince then
acknowledges the fact that this is the first time in about two years we've
seen Cole without some carnage at the end of the interview.
The Gregorian chant is firing up - which can only mean some Undertaker
goofiness is coming up. Sure enough, the DRUIDS are out with the casket -
eight of 'em. After depositing the casket at the foot of the ring, they
file out single file. The Undertaker's music starts up - and out walks
THE UNDERTAKER. Hmmm. Maybe Al Snow is in the casket? I dunno. It's
now 11. Undertaker does that trick with the lights. "At SummerSlam, I
will take what is rightfully mine - the World Wrestling Federation title!
And I'm gonna do it like a man - you see Austin, I'm gonna be right there
in your face - I'm not gonna jump YOU from behind, and you need not worry
about my brother because Kane has his own agenda at SummerSlam. I've been
up front from the beginning, so Highway to Hell SummerSlam '98, it's gonna
be you, me, and the World Wrestling Federation title (weak "Goldberg"
chant?) but tonight, you decided to make this personal. Don't you
realise, boy, then when you jumped on Kane, you jumped on me. So what I
would like for you to do, Stone Cold Steve Austin, is take a ride on the
Highway to Hell tonight. You see..." And here's Mr. McMAHON. "Forget
about Austin. More importantly, Vince McMahon: friend or foe?" And
McMahon throws the mic at Undertaker's feet. Undertaker grabs McMahon and
gives him a chokeslam! STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN jumps out of the casket,
and after giving a few choice words to McMahon - turns to Undertaker. But
now KANE is exiting the casket! Kane does some manly whompin' on Austin -
but Austin manages to leave the ring, and after grabbing a chair, he makes
his way back up the ramp - which catches fire. Huh? That AC/DC song
plays one more time...and it's five after the hour.
...see you at SummerSlam!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
chris@kzim.com
Miss a week? Check out the CRZ Archives at
http://www.aimnet.com/~kzim/ - Just look for the WM logo!