Gwen Guthrie and Gene Siskel in the same week...
Do you realise that Saturday marked the 21st anniversary of Bob Backlund's
win over Superstar Billy Graham? That WWF Championship bout and the
memories thereof are old enough to DRINK. If you feel old right now,
you're probably reading someone else's column so what are you doing HERE?
PICTURE OF THE WEEK: The lost front cover of the 12" single release from
WWF's "the Wrestling Album" is restored for your viewing enjoyment!
If Shep Pettibone mixes it, you MUST dance to it, no matter WHAT it is!
Besides, the track is THUMPin'! Too bad KOCH didn't put this on the
Yeah, I bought the Wrestling Album (CD). What can I say, it was $11.99
and hearing Nikolai Volkoff sing "Cara Mia" in stunning digital clarity
made me weep. But I'm that kind of sick twisted wrestling fan.
As evidenced by the fact that I will still watch five hours of ...
whatever it's called these days ... EVERY Monday and then write about it!
One World Leader Attitude - WWF! Rated TV-14-V!
Clips from last week's ladder match for the WWF Title, complete with
"highlights" of Steve Austin commentary. We do not hear Michael Cole say
"Holy shit!" or whatever it was I didn't hear him say but got lots of
letters about. We DO, however, see the Stunner that we *didn't* get to
see after the live show ended last week.
FIREWORKS! We are ON TAPE from the Unnamed Arena in Chattanooga, TN
22.2.99 (but taped 16.2.99), en espanol donde sea disponible and broadcast
on the USA Network and occasionally on TSN when curling isn't pre-empting
it. Tonight, somebody's gonna BURN!
VINCENT K. walks to the ring for this week's opening salvo. I wish they'd
stop using "No Chance in Hell" for his music. "Asshole" chant as you
might expect. McMahon hopes we brought our marshmallows 'cause tonight
we're having a roast, and not a Dean Martin roast neither (anybody bought
that tape? Can I get a copy?), no tonight, an Inferno match! McMahon
uses the word "spectacular" in reference to the flaming shindig between
Kane and Undertaker, while the word currently floating in MY mind is more
along the lines of "suck." McMahon quickly turns to the main event at
WrestleMania XV, where Steve Austin will take on WWF Champion the Rock in
the main event. And HERE is that special guest referee for said match,
namely PAUL (the kids are all) WIGHT, who walks to the ring and embraces
McMahon. Crowd chants "Giant sucks" and Wight acts like "Who the heck are
they talkin' 'bout?" which is pretty cool. Wight compares the WWF to
"Heaven's Gate" - the horrible moneysucking motion picture or the web
designing cult? He must not have meant either. Wight says "the big
Nasty" when referring to Sacramento King Corliss Williamson...no wait, I
think he was talking about his chokeslam. Wight raises some ire when he
says that last week he *single-handedly* put the title around the waist of
the ROCK, who walks to the ring unexpectedly. McMahon gives him an intro
anyway. Wight applauds. "Rocky sucks" chant fires up as Rock says maybe
his hearing was a little bad because he thought he heard "this big
jabrone" say he singlehandedly put the title around the Rock's waist.
Wight said he said it and he was surprised it made it through Rock's thick
skull. Rock calls Wight a rooty-poot and a candy-ass and some other
things he always says, oh, and know his role and shut his mouth. McMahon
can see it breaking down and tries to make peace. Wight tells "Pebble" to
close his mouth or he'll put his fist in it. McMahon says they're just
making jokes. Rock: "Make jokes - the Rock's ass!" then he calls Wight a
500 pound bag of monkey crap. The Rock is like a living Mad-Lib, you
know. Giant - whoops, I mean Wight - picks up McMahon and gently places
him behind him - then there's a staredown but before anything comes to
blows, MANKIND appears at the top of the ramp, suggesting that they need a
moderator, or better yet, a referee - and he reveals Mr. Socko in stripes.
Since he's trying to petition Commissioner Michaels for the position of
second guest referee, what better way to show what a great ref he can be
but to referee a match tonight - between Rock and Wight for the WWF
Championship? McMahon tells Mankind to stay out of his business, Wight
asks "what do you say, chant?" Rock says a lot of stuff and I swear the
crowd knows about every third word he's gonna say and chants along. Did
the WWF become the Rocky Horror Picture Show when I wasn't looking?
Your hosts are a pair of Kings - Michael King Cole and Jerry Lawler.
Tonight, the Inferno Match between Undertaker and Kane. Shamrock vs. Gunn
for the #1 Contendership to the Intercontinental title, and here's some
We kick off the second quarter hour with a backstage glimpse into the
Corporation dressing room - there's a lot of shouting. It's funny how
Shane insists on having the Euro belt on his shoulder the whole time.
WrestleMania XV is presented to you by M&M's Crispy Choklit Candy.
GANGREL & EDGE (with Christian and a burning ring o' far) v. PUBLIC ENEMA
- well, shut my mouth, it's Flyboy Rocco Rock and Johnny Grunge come to
the WWF to kill us all. Watching the Brood walk to the ring, you'd SWEAR
that they weren't in the Ministry and it was all a bad dream 'cause the
entrance hasn't changed a bit - probably a wise move on their part. PE's
music sounds like, well, Public Enemy. "La-di-da-di, it's a whole NEW
party!" Brood attacks before the bell and now Grunge is outside.
Christian takes on Grunge on the outside while Gangrel & Edge go through
their doubleteam moves on Rock. Grunge manages to grab the legs while
they both come off the ropes. Cole is calling them "Rocco" and "Grunge."
Yeah, calling him "Rock" would be CONFUSING, wouldn't it? Double
clothesline ducked, but Grunge hits a double bulldog (or if you're Cole,
double DDT). Edge double whipped, double flapjack. Double whip on
Gangrel, double hiptoss - both men catch him, double drop. That looks
like the Quebecer's old finisher, the Tower - now Christian comes in to
break things up and referee "Blind" Mike Ciota calls for the bell.
(DQ 1:23) 3-on-2 is on - PE wisely leave the ring and grab some chairs -
the lights go out and the red light flickers - aw, nuts - there's a
bloodbath for PE. Hey, welcome to the world of sports entertainment,
Public Enemy! They run off angry, as well they should.
WWF: The Music, Volume 3 ad.
Let Us Take You Back to During the Break, where Undertaker says the Brood
need to be disciplined for losing - the Acolytes, Mideon and Viscera
commence a beatdown on the Brood.
VAL VENIS makes his way to ringside for commentary. Coming up later,
Inferno match! And Paul Wight vs. the Rock for the WWF title! Coming up
NOW, the match to determine Venis' #1 Contender! Does that title belt
look funny hanging over a towel? Did Venis say "hello, Kings?" Naah. I
forget, is Venis a heel or a face these days? He's acting friendly to
Lawler so I guess they really DO want him to be a heel...
BAD(D) ASS BILLY GUNN v. KING KEN SHAMROCK in a Intercontinental #1
Contender's match - Shamrock decides to forego entering the ring to rush
Venis - but Gunn meets him halfway with a lariat on the outside. Shamrock
to the barrier. Gunn is friendly with Ryan Shamrock, Ken's sister and
Val's "sloppy seconds," I hear tell. In the ring, the match finally
starts, and it's all Gunn. Venis lets us know that he used Ryan, he USED
Ryan, and also he clubbed baby seals the other day. Venis speculates the
Shamrock's never had sex, then says the only thing he's ever tossed is his
own salad. I wish I got that humour. Shamrock with a buncha kicks as
Cole calls Wight "the Big Nasty" and I smell a Corliss Williamson lawsuit.
Lawler and Venis turn "zone" into a dirty word. Shamrock with a pretty
sweet DDT while the crowd chants "Shamrock sucks." 1, 2, kickout. Right
hand for Shamrock. There's another. Gunn takes a distracted Shamrock
(trying to get out to Venis again) and there's a Rocker dropper. Both men
slow to get up and up together. Shamrock blocks a punch and fires away.
Repeated kicks. Venis is trashing both guys. Gunn reverses a whip into
the corner but Shamrock comes out with a lariat. Right hand. Right.
Gunn with a wek right, Shamrock with two rights and Gunn's down again.
Right. I LOVE punches. Whip, leg lariat by Shamrock. Lawler: "I gotta
apologise for Michael Cole - all he can think about is wrestling!" Well,
DAMN. Shamrock's huracanrana takes Gunn out of the ring. Venis says Gunn
needs a little help and throws him back in the ring - Shamrock thanks him
by way of leaving the ring and taking Venis' head to the STEEL steps. Now
Gunn is outside and attacking Shamrock. It's on - a Pier 3 has broken out
and the whole thing is breaking down. Bring on the referees and
officials, there'll be no resolution tonight. RYAN SHAMROCK puts in an
appearance just for the hell of it. Ken and Ryan walk off while we see
Venis and Gunn looking unhappy. (under 5:00ish)
McMahon talks to Rock and fails to talk Rock out of the title match. Is
somebody honking a horn through this entire bit? How annoying!
KEVIN KELLY works tonight! And he welcomes (THE LOVELY) SABLE to the
ring. Clips from last week's Sable appearance on "Live" - hey, that's not
REALLY Regis, you can't fool me! Also, we get a shot of the Playboy cover
- find it at wwf.com. Sable plays the prima donna and spies THAT STALKIN'
FAN in the front row again - this week she invites her into the ring.
She's in awe, of course. "You know, maybe I was a little hard on you last
week. So, um, what's your name?" "Tori." "Tori. Well, Tori, let me ask
you something. What is it about Sable that you find so fascinating?"
"Sable - you are so beautiful, graceful, athletic, powerful - I mean - I
adore everything about you." "Well, Tori, you are pathetic. And you need
to get a life. I am sick and tired of all you wanna-be's trying to live
your life through me! How sad. Now hit the road, skank!" Here's LUNA
TUNES. When was she on Access Hollywood, I missed it. "Let me tell you
something, and this time, this time, please, try to understand. We can't
all, unfortunately, we can't all be as beautiful as you. All women cannot
be Sable. Some of us just have to deal with the cards that we're dealt.
But we don't use people - and the only reason you are the WWF Women's
Champion is because of your looks." Sable laughs. "Well, Luna. Boo hoo.
You know, first of all, I don't care about all the women - I only care
about the men." Big cheer. "And as far as the cards you've been dealt -
maybe you need to reshuffle the deck - now hit my music!" And she strikes
a post. Then Luna gets waffled with the belt - then one for Tori for good
measure. Man, Tori (can't call her Terri, it'd be CONFUSING) is TEN times
the actress Sable is. Luna and Tori console each other... hey you know
when Luna isn't trying to hard to growl in a gravely fashion, she ALMOST
has a Jennifer Tilly-esque quality about her...wait, did I think that or
M&M's Krispy Khocklit Kandy brings you the WWF slam of the week - Paul
Wight's AHHHHHHHHTHECHOKESLAAAAAM on Mankind from the top of the ladder,
allowing the Rock to grab the title from the ladder.
McMahon tries to talk Giant - damn, I gotta stop typing that - Wight out
of the title match. Gi-FUCK - Wight says that it's no big deal, the belt
will still be in the Corporation. Cole says the Corporation is crumbling
As UMMM - ERRR - DAMN, I FORGET WHO THAT IS - HE SURE LOOKS FAMILIAR, BUT
- OH YEAH, IT'S D'LO BROWN walks to the ring, we are taken back to last
week where Debra used the gee-tar on Ivory, following a brutal attack on
Mark Henry's knee, leaving D'Lo alone. He BEGS for Jarrett & Hart to come
out and face him.
Right after RAW is the SHOP ZONE on the Home Shopping Network. Sorry, I
didn't tape THAT.
D'LO BROWN v. OWEN HART & JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with Debra) in a
Handicap Match - Jarrett & Hart are the WORLD tag team Champions - if you
think ONE man is going to beat them...well, who knows these days? Hart
attacks from behind while Brown is fixated on Jarrett slowly entering the
ring. Brown fires back and they're trading blows. Hart rakes the face,
whip is reversed and there's a Brown powerslam. Right hand to Jarrett and
Hart comes back from behind. Hart on him - whip is reversed but Hart
throws up a back elbow and tags in Jarrett. Off the ropes, Brown ducks,
Tigerbomb for 2, Hart making the save. Tag to Hart - off the ropes,
Jarrett ducks and Hart hits a blind bulldog. Nice suplex from Owen.
Jarrett puts up the boot and Brown's head meets it. Tag in Jarrett -
double whip, double back elbow. Make a wish! Right hand from Jarrett as
Hart steps outside. Head to the buckle, head to another buckle, tag.
Nonstop action such as it is. Whip, duck, Sunset flip, kickout at 2.
Enziguiri gives Brown a full flip. Somehow he kicks out at 2. Tag to
Jarrett. Coming up, an Inferno match. Tag. Spinebuster from Owen
immediately followed by a fistdrop from the top by Jarrett. Owen holds
him in the corner while Jarrett punches away. Brown fires back, punching
both men, but coming off the ropes, Owen kicks him. Jarrett holding Brown
while Owen scales the ropes - Brown elbows Jarrett, then comes off the
ropes to crotch Hart - dropkick of Jarrett. Slam, standing legdrop as PMS
make their way to the ring. Debra is up on the apron to distract referee
"Blind" Jim Korderas while Jacqueline scales the turnbuckles - dropkick to
the back of the head and Brown runs into a Hart spinning heel kick. 1, 2,
3. (3:27) Nice little match with lots of action. It's not over! Double
faceslam, Russian legsweep style, by Jarrett and Hart - the attack
continues as the rest of the refs come out to separate them. Let's see a
replay of that barefoot dropkick. You gotta admire Brown's integrity -
no, wait, don't you mean STUPIDITY? Two good men ALWAYS beat one good man
- especially when it's two good men and three fine women!
Mankind is spraypainting stripes on his shirt and throwing out some ref
cliches in a humourous fashion. The big title match is NEXT?
You know, the LAST time they had a big title match in the MIDDLE of a
show, it's was the "Rock/Austin" match on RAW Saturday Night...I
wonder...anyway, MANKIND makes his way into the ring complete with stripes
on the shirt and stripes on the sock. VINCENT K. walks out as the credits
are displayed and the TV-14-V box re-appears as we turn the hour. "I
regret to inform you that the proposed WWF Championship match here tonight
is, ah - not going to happen. Therefore you're going to have to take Mr.
Socko and put it away where the sun don't shine. Nice try, Mick, nice
try..." and the Rock's music fires up.
ROCK v. PAUL (might makes) WIGHT for the WWF Championship - it certainly
APPEARS that this match is going to take place. McMahon looks stunned
that Rock would walk out. "Vince, the Rock wants you to go and sit at the
announcers booth with those two jabrones 'cause you damn sure don't want
to get in between this. Now Paul Wight, the Rock says you bring your
rooty-poot candyass down that damn walkway so the Rock can put his fist in
your mouth and his foot in your ass!" Wight has pretty cool new music.
Cole AGAIN calls him the Big Nasty. McMahon is despondent, his commentary
turning into a defiant snarl. Ring the bell! They ring it again! Rock
shoves Giant, look I did it again, dammit, Wight shoves Rock HARD - and
now Wight's attacking MANKIND and Rock's joining him. McMahon is laughing
in an overacted matter. Well, we fell for it again (I *guess*). Both men
even hold Mankind for McMahon to throw a right hand. "No Chance in Hell"
plays for the MILLIONTH time and the triumphant trio leave the ring all
smiles and hoping Austin got a good look at it. Hey, where IS Austin,
anyway? Oh right, Howard Stern, Regis & Kathie Lee, okay.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where you see what you just seen and
McMahon makes me miss Ted DiBiase with that weakass heel laugh. Although
it is funny when he says "THIS is fun! THIS is entertainment!" and then
it's ironic when he says "THIS is the WWF!" Indeed it is, Vince. Indeed
"During the Break" footage shows the Corporation gloating and taking off
for dinner - "everything on the Rock!"
THE COOLEST MAN ALIVE STEVE BLACKMAN (with dayglo bashin' batons & Riggs &
Murtaugh) v. DROZ - Droz was suspended for two weeks, we learn, from his
unprovoked attack on Kevin Kelly, getting off today. Last week Droz
foiled Blackman's bid for the Hardcore title in retalitaion for Blackman
foiling DROZ' attack on Kelly. Got it? I am keenly interested in all of
this, you see, because Steve Blackman is my new personal favourite
wrestler since I don't see Barry Horowitz all that much anymore. Blackman
tries to get in the first shot but Droz ducks and goes on the offense.
Kicks and punches, whee. Whip off the ropes, lariat and Blackman goes
down. Off the ropes, Sunset flip by Blackman for 2. Forearm to the back
by Droz. Scoop and a slam. Elbowdrop. 1, 2, kickout. Blatant choke.
Droz gives a mini-shove to referee "Blind" Theodore Long to show us how
EDGY he's become. Right hand, then Droz tosses Blackman through the
ropes. Droz jaws with the fans, who are rightly booing him. Head to the
mat, rolled back in. Whip off the ropes, pickup and a slam. On the top
rope - elbowdrop misses. C'mon Stever, DO something! Right hand, right,
whip off the ropes, double thrust. Sidewalk slam! Off the ropes,
elbowdrop has CLASS, man, but only a 2 count there. Whip off the ropes,
is reversed, clothesline ducked, powerslam by Droz - 1, 2, no! Whip off
the ropes is reversed - was that the Lethal Kick? 1, 2, 3! Yes! (3:13)
But Droz is a poor loser because he attacks from behind with a dayglo
stick. Aw, man, that's the first time in MONTHS he's come out with those
things and somebody takes advantage of it like that - I hope that doesn't
mean he'll keep 'em in the locker room from now on! Bigtime choke. Refs
and officials separate Droz, who has "a new attitude," apparently. Screw
that, I'll take Blackman ANY day! Yeah! Steve Blackman RULES! I guess I
should have called em "nunchuks" like Cole. Oh well.
Backstage, McMahon asks Kane to promise that tonight, Undertaker will burn
in hell. He appears to be holding the contract Undertaker had Shane
deliver last week, if that's significant. Oh yeah, last night on Heat
McMahon ORDERED this Inferno match and it's got something to do with that
mysterious contract. OK, you're up to date on the plot points. I think.
I didn't really SEE Heat, I had to pick it up from the commentary. I
should probably try harder to watch that show except I was busy finding
things to bitch about SuperBrawl IX at the time...
Do you care about ANY of this? Aha! Got you!
Undertaker talks. I'd SWEAR this was a throwback to old school promos
since it's not out in the ring as a 15 minute interview - nothing wrong
with that, by the way. I wish he didn't look so hard like he was READING,
though. Tonight he intends to show how serious he is about his threat to
take over the World Wrestling Federation. He's got a surprise in store.
The WWF will be his - oh, and his Master's, one would assume.
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily! Get a poster at Pep
Boys! And by WWF: The Music (Volume 3) - get it at Circuit City! AND by
Eidos Interactive, makers of Tomb Raider III! Lawler says "YEAH" like
he's been having fantasies about Lara Croft...huh.
GOLDUST v. VAL VENIS in a nontitle match - you all know who the Master is,
right? Good. Later tonight, Hardcore title match, X-Pac takes on Chyna,
oh and that Infernal match. How can ladies dig that whole Val Venis
presentation? The dude has no HAIR, for crying out loud! Val takes the
mic, says "Hello Ladies" and that his dick is really big. Lockup, side
headlock by Goldust, off the ropes we go, shoulderblock by GOldust. Back
and forth, hiptoss attempt by Venis fails and there's a big clothesline
from Goldust. To the corner, Goldust skips some punches in the Ten Punch
Countalong to mess with the fans' minds. Stands on the neck. Goldust
with some provocative posing and Venis hits a clothesline. Off the ropes,
back elbow, elbow drop, 1, 2, kickout. Goldust comes back with some kicks
to the back of the leg. Working the knee. More kicks, now pulling the
leg back. Goldust goes out and gets the knee on the mat. Venis tries to
punch back and Goldust rakes the face. Off the ropes, Venis ducks and
punches, punches, punches, off the ropes, Val holds on and delivers the
knee to the gut, twice, side Russian legsweep, standing over him for a
pelvic thrust. Cole and Lawler discuss psychology as relating to both
men. Atomic drop from Goldust, spinebuster by Venis. Right hand from
Venis, whip, duck, Goldust slides under, stops, and has Venis leapfrog
onto his knee. Owie. Lariat. BLUE MEANIE is on the ramp - Goldust turns
to see him and Venis takes Goldust outside, then follows. Whip into the
STEEL stairs. Venis throws him back in but before he can follow, Meanie
hits from behind and hits a SUPER DDT on the floor - Venis does a
headstand and crumples to the mat, that looks cool. Meanie throws Venis
in and Goldust, surprised, pins him. (3:59) Meanie says "You're welcome"
and Goldust looks puzzled. Replay of the DDT 'cause that was such a cool
sell. Meanie's T-shirt hypes his
website so I'll hype it too. Why not.
We see X-Pac and Chyna getting ready for their big match coming up next.
And coming up LATER, the Inferno match!
Here's the US Coast Guard Rescue of the Week! It's Mankind rescuing us
from having to hear any more of the Rock's Elvis impersonation with a
Mandible Claw. From the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.
Shane poses with the European belt while Chyna promises that it'll stay
around his waist. "Is that a vein?" DON'T ANSWER THAT!
BOB HOLLY v. LEFTY GUNN for the Hardcore Title - I *don't* think I'll call
him Hardcore Holly, thank you very much. Yes, Gunn comes out to the
BrawlforAll theme. Yarrrrgh. The former New Midnight Express staredown
in the middle of the ring. Shove from the former Bombastic one. Shove
from the former Bodacious one. Right from Holly, left from Gunn, kick
from Holly, trading punches again. More lefts from Bart and Holly's
outside. Let the plunder begin! DAMN! Holly just broke a pitcher on
Gunn! Chair to the head! Second chair shot from Holly - this should be
over quick...right hand from Holly - kick from Holly, gutshot by Bart -
and a GLASS is smashed over Holly's face to return the favour. Bell shot!
Gunn rang his bell! M&M brings us the double feature - a better angle of
the pitcher shot. Meanwhile, we're over the barricade as Gunn hits a
clothesline. Looping left. Gunn removes the padding from the top of the
barrier and drops Holly on top of it. "Get up!" Another left. Holly
makes his way over to the fire extinguisher and prevents a chairshot from
Gunn. Cooler of ice and water dumped on Gunn (ooooh!) Whip into the
STEEL steps. STOP calling him Hardcore Holly! AAHHHHH!!! Ok, I'm better
now. Vertical suplex attempt is countered - Gunn hits a suplex on the
ramp. We relive Sparky Plugg one more time. Cover - 1, 2, kickout.
Double feature of the suplex. Gunn with a *DDT* on the ramp. Back near
the ring. Whip into the steps by Gunn. Now Gunn gets a fire extinguisher
shot in. Holly manages a gut shot, now he's back up and punching away.
Scoop and a slam onto the ramp. Holly and Gunn going up the ramp to the
stage area. Head into the scaffold. Superkick by Holly, Gunn gets a kick
of his own. Gunn finds a watermelon (...the HELL?) and puts it over
Holly's head. There's a metal pole which breaks in half over Holly's
back. I would say Gunn is in control. Whoops, spoke to soon - there's a
Golotta from Holly. Holly lookin' for plunder. There's a crate of
bananas. This is now officially declared by your columnist as "more
choreographed than a Jackie Chan movie." Holly eats a banana 'cause it's
funny and he saw the Rock do that on Halftime Heat. Garbage can to the
head. Gunn STILL manages to fire back with lefts. Garbage can lid to the
head. Gunn grinds a banana into Holly's head. Now they're trading blows
- Gunn with a sack of flour (ooh, that's GOTTA hurt) and now SOME GUY is
out and attacking Bart Gunn. He's wearing an "Oriental" outfit and doing
some martial arts on him - goofy mask - Gunn thrown off the stage and
through a table! That guy - what, he's Steve Williams? All right - walks
off, and Holly finds Gunn and pins him on the table. (8:17) That was
HARDLY fifteen feet there, Cole. Replay of the table throw.
Tonight - an Inferno match! May it be mercifully short!
Stone Cold Steve Austin - he crushed the Rock - he pummeled Mankind - he
even decimated Vince McMahon - but is he ready for prime time? (Don
Johnson, Steve Austin, and Cheech Marin:) "Oh hell yeah!" Austin 3:16 on
"Nash Bridges" - "Nash Bridges" - on CBS! FRIDAY! IF YOU WATCH NASH
BRIDGES ON CBS, YOU HAVE NO LIFE!
The WMXV countdown stands at *5* weeks! Sort of.
CHYNA (with SKIPPY) v. X-PAC (with TRIPLE H) for a WrestleMania European
title match - is it just me, or did Shane's X-PUNK shirt say X-CHUMP a
minute ago in that other clip? While H distracts referee "Blind" Tim
White, X-Pac rushes Shane until Chyna hits from behind with a Golotta. H
chases Shane around the ring a bit while Chyna uses her power moves on
X-Pac. Forearm. Is that a Wolfpack flourish there? Crotch chop and the
bronco buster attempt misses - X-Pac slides out of the ring and the chase
is on again. As Shane, X-Pac and White Run here, there and everywhere,
meanwhile, Triple H is IN the ring and giving Chyna a Pedigree. Shane
slides through the ring, X-Pac follows, sees Chyna laid out and covers.
Somehow White makes it in and counts 3. (1:11) WHATEVER. Triple H takes
the mic and says "one bitch down, one bitch to go." X-Pac does his Ken
Shamrock impersonation - they'll meet at WrestleMania.
This Friday night Steve Austin will open a can of whoopass on Nash
Bridges. Clips courtesy CBS. Even *I* have better things to do Friday
night, sorry. Besides, does CBS have ANYTHING worth watching? I mean, I
would watch "60 Minutes" but dammit, there's WRESTLING on then!
If they show ONE more anti-smoking ad, I'm gonna start smoking, I swear.
They're making it look so COOL.
Oh BOY! They're playing "No Chance in Hell" again! One more Home
Shopping Network SHOPZONE plug as VINCENT K. makes one more walk into the
ring. Once again he warns us that this match is not for the squeamish and
faint of heart. Vince drops some more plot points for us to digest:
"Tonight, the Undertaker, you're gonna get what you deserve. Undertaker,
you dare threaten me in that matter? What goes around comes around. You
burned your parents to death. Undertaker, you burned your home down, and
you charred your brother in the process. And for that, and for these
threats, Undertaker, nobody goes here, outside the WWF Arena, NOBODY does
this to Vince McMahon. And because of that, Undertaker, the Inferno
match - by God, you're gonna burn in Hell. So with that in mind, allow me
to introduce to you the Corporation's personal instrument of destruction -
here is - KANE!"
KANE v. UNDERTAKER in an Inferno match - Cole says McMahon is trying to
chop off the head of the Ministry in order to kill it. Every time they
say "first Inferno match ever on RAW" I keep thinking "and I HOPE it's the
last!" I suppose they're trying to amortize the costs of all that Inferno
paraphenalia, right? Har har. This is the first time we've seen
Undertaker wrestle (ahem) since December's Buried Alive match. McMahon
joins the commentary table. Cole tries to ask what was in that mysterious
envelope. Vince: "There's nothing mysterious about it - shut up! It's
personal, and we're gonna leave it at that - that's all. It's just
personal. And let me tell you - nobody - I don't care if it IS the
Undertaker - NOBODY goes THERE." Kane tries to strike first, but
Undertaker ducks and punches and kicks away as the ring is lit. Arm
wringer. Undertaker climbs to the top rope - daring tightropewalk and
jump. Undertaker trying to put Kane into the first but he strikes back.
Undertaker whipshim into the corner. Kane with a back elbow and a big
boot. Chop under the throat. Whip is reversed, but Kane kicks him.
Undertaker with kick and punch. Whip is reversed, powerslam by Kane
punctuated with flames. Choke by Kane. Right hand. McMahon says this
isn't business, it's personal. Kane with punches. In the corner - trying
to get him in the flames. Right hand under the chin by Kane. Undertaker
with a kick and an elbow, then a punch. Yeeha. Suplex attempt is blocked
twice by Kane. Kane with a suplex of his own. PAUL BEARER is out, and
he's bearing a black box with bow for McMahon - "Special Delivery Mr.
McMahon!" Kane has Undertaker to the top turnbuckle. Punches in bunches.
Whip into the opposite corner, Undertaker falls hard. Kane tries to push
Undertaker into the flames. Kick to the head. Undertaker comes back.
Punch from Undertaker and McMahon FINALLY opens the box. It's - McMahon's
face drops and he ages ten years. It's - It's BOBO, MR. BURN'S TEDDY
BEAR! Well, it's a teddy bear anyway. McMahon leaves the booth and walks
off, calling Paul Bearer a son of a bitch and asking him what he's doing.
Meanwhile, the punching and kicking continues. Whoa! Kane throws
Undertaker over the top rope and over the flames. Kane to the top
turnbuckle - he's gonna fly! He almost slipped, too. Anyway, he lands on
the commentary table - pushing it back too. Undertaker takes Kane to the
barricade, then runs the top of the table onto him. Whip is reversed and
Undertaker goes into the STEEL steps. Kane is up first - big boot attempt
- but Undertaker catches it and puts the boot in the fire! (6:50) I have
to give 'em credit - I never saw the gel on the boot. Meanwhile,
Undertaker has walked over to McMahon, who is melodramatically saying
"Why? Why? WHY?" 'Taker takes the teddy bear from McMahon, lights it on
fire and tosses it on the ramp while McMahon says "NOOO!" and then crawls
What does it all mean?
Well, I don't know - but I bet it ends in a WRESTLING MATCH! Haaaa!