PICTURE OF THE WEEK: Experience the glory that is Steve Blackman through the kind
courtesy of Mike Guerrero. That's an *authentic* signature! They didn't
say WHOSE sig it was, but...
I GET LETTERS: It must be said, and William Goat Stillwell says it
Y'know those horrible PSA's for not smoking. I heard you mention that
if you saw too many more, you'd actually START smoking (maybe that wasn't
you, but, oh, never mind). My problem with them is their hidden message
from the pervs at the AD Council. Don't smoke, but by all means, when some
strange man with a video camera starts asking you questions, feel free to
talk to him about personal matters while your friends aren't around.
Pretty scary, huh?
Yeah, chew on THAT pup for a spell.
One World TV-14-V Leader Attitude - WWF!
Clips from last night's Heat show Rock and Wight having big fun talking
separately and to each other - and Austin deliver the sneaky Stunner while
Wight is on the ramp waiting for him. Did Wight know all along this would
happen? The intrigue continues...I guess
Opening credits are closed captioned (eh?) and still have Hawk in 'em
FIREWORKS! welcome you to the Igloo in Pittsburgh, PA for RAW is WAR
8.3.99 (but taped 2.3) where EVERYONE MUST bring a sign! This telecast is
en espanol donde sea disponible! Pruebala, ya!
Tonight's opening interviewfest begins as THE ROCK makes his way to the
ring to continue to brood about the Stunner he suffered at the hands of
one Stone Cold Steve Austin last night on Heat. "The Rock has a big
problem with Paul Wight..." We are reminded of the previous suspicious
circumstances surrounding Rock, Wight, and Austin as we Take You Back to
Last Night where Rock sent Wight up the ramp to await Austin's arrival,
while Austin entered the ring from behind, through the audience,
surprising Rock with a Stone Cold Stunner. Rock demands Wight appear -
"No Chance in Hell" fires up but it's VINCENT K. on his way to the ring.
"Rock, you've gotta stop washing Corporate laundry in public, and you've
gotta stop it now - and if you don't stop washing Corporate laundry right
now, then certain Corporate members are going to start wondering not only
what the Rock is cooking, if you don't stop now, certain Corporate members
are gonna wonder what the Rock is SMOKIN'. Now now now, I know it's not
your fault - it's not your fault, it's THEIRS." He points to the fans,
who play their part and boo. "It's the expectations that all of you place
upon a WWF Champion. Those extraordinary pressures on a WWF Champion,
much less, the most electrifying WWF Champion of all time. Much less,
someone who brings you the Corporate eyebrow and the Corporate elbow, much
less, did I mention 'roody poo.' So Rock, it's not your fault, it's
theirs. I just don't want you to listen to them - I want you to listen to
ME, Rock. And I assure you that I will lay out all of the answers - SHUT
UP! -" 'cause that chant is going pretty good here "I will lay out all of
the answers for you, Rock, in good time, but just take my word for it - as
far as Paul Wight is concerned, believe me, he is a card carrying member
of the Corporation, indeed a first-class card carrying member in good
standing." Rock says he trusts McMahon, but there are too many
"coinky-dinks" and he doesn't trust Wight. After calling him a "roody poo
candy ass," everyone's favourite song, "No Chance in Hell" fires up again
and PAUL (fight for your) WIGHT makes his way to the ring. He reminds
Rock that it was *he* who sent Wight up the ramp and he's a big dummy.
Wight says that McMahon brought him in to protect the WWF title and keep
it away from Austin, but he offers to give McMahon his money back, with
interest, and then take Rock down instead. Just before we see any of THAT
happen, MANKIND appears at the top of the ramp and once again offers to
officiate a match between Wight and Rock, firing off a "smell what the
Sock is cooking" again. McMahon accuses Mankind of having a mental
deficiency, and tells him he's not really the second referee yet - huh? -
well, apparently he can be the second referee if he gets in the ring
tonight with Steve Austin. Oh, and there's an unbiased special guest
referee - Paul Wight. All right! McMahon says that this match will prove
to the Rock what kind of official Wight will be, oh and for an encore -
why not do guest commentary for that match? Because not enough has
happened in this segment, here's STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN to swear and
curse and I think somewhere in here he said he'd win at WrestleMania,
which probably shouldn't come as a shock to any of us.
Your hosts are a pair of kings - Michael King Cole and Jerry "the King"
Lawler. Tonight, Austin/Mankind, special ref, special commentator. Also
a Steel City Street Fight between D'Lo Brown and Owen Hart.
Oh boy! It's the Ministry of Darkness! And they're WALKING! Not exactly
worth Cole's apoplexy if you ask me, but... They enter a locker room and
ask two ham'n'eggers if they've seen the Bossman. They say no, and
Undertaker says "well, if you see him, send him a message for me" and then
the Ministry administers the beatdown. Wow, we haven't seen jobbers on
RAW since Dwayne Gill won the Light Heavyweight title!
Backstage, Mankind asks Austin to lay down for him so he can become the
special guest referee. Austin says he doesn't CARE who the special guest
referee(s) are and no way. Mankind says if he changes his mind, to just
give him a little signal.
WHAT'S HIS NAME - YOU KNOW, THAT GUY - I CAN'T REMEMBER WHO IT IS RIGHT
NOW, BUT HE SURE LOOKS FAMILIAR - I'M FEELING DEJA VU HERE - OH WAIT,
THAT'S D'LO BROWN! v. OWEN HART (with De-bra) in a Steel City Street Fight
- that means, "Come as you are - bring weapons" and Brown has the cookie
sheet of viciousness while Hart chooses the more traditional broomstick
and steel pole. Let Us Take You Back to the exciting saga of Brown as a
man alone as Mark Henry was taken out with a knee injury, Ivory injured in
her match last week when PMS interfered. It's also announced in here that
there will be a battle royale the night of WrestleMania - the last two men
in the ring will get a tag team shot against Hart & Jarrett for the straps
later in the night. Just how many ways CAN you make a cookie sheet shot
interesting? While you ponder that, I'll remind you that Chef Boyardee
presents the WrestleMania Rage party the night before WrestleMania,
special guest Isaac Hayes - the anti-Boyardee! Also Big Pun, Cherry
Poppin' Daddies and I think I heard that they'll be serving beer nuts.
This match has it all! Groin shots! Cookie sheet shots! Ummm....groin
shots! M&M's brings us a Krispy Double Feature shot of Owen putting on a
DDT at the top of the ramp. Hart meets the STEEL steps once they're back
down to the bottom of the ramp. Oh boy, another COOKIE SHEET SHOT! You
can probably tell by now I'm not terribly into this match - in fact, I
find myself wondering when the Blue Blazer will show up. Later tonight,
the New Age Outlaws return to tag team competition! Hart and Brown both
go down after a joust with the broomsticks. Here's JEDOUBLEF
JADOUBLEREDOUBLET come down to the ring with a guitar - whoops, D'Lo
caught it! Now HART'S caught it, right in the mush. 1, 2, 3. (4:33)
Hart does a nasty blade job to boot, just to give a little "fuck you" to
Undertaker sends the Ministry out to find Bossman. Acolytes go one way,
Viscera & Mideon another, Brood a third, Velma off with Shaggy and Scooby,
and Fred gets Daphne. Fred ALWAYS gets Daphne. Doesn't Edge look like he
could play the Joker without facial prosthetics?
Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Beef Ravioli ad features Mankind and still makes
me laugh. BEEFY!
Next week RAW is WAR comes LIVE to the San Jose Arena! If Dok Hendrix is
on my TV, can it be sold out? No? Maybe I should buy a ticket.
NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. HARDCORE HOLLY & AL SNOW (with Head) - Cole says
they're together again "for one night only" - not that we should put any
stock in what Cole's saying, as he goes on to say the Outlaws were maybe
the most successful tag team ever. Now, we all know that the Smokin'
Gunns were the most successful tag team *ever*. Dogg mentions in his
spiel that they're the soon to be "tag team champions of the
wooooooooorld" but maybe he just said that 'cause he wanted to have an
excuse to say it again. Hardcore Holly - I thought that was a porn star -
anyway, he's got new music and a new first name. Matches at WrestleMania
mentioned here: Four corners elimination match for the IC title - Gunn,
Shamrock, Goldust and Venis. Triple Threat Hardcore match - Dogg, Snow
and Holly. In a stunning cameo appearance by Logic, Snow and Holly don't
get along - Holly demands to start the match, but as the fight between he
and Dogg progresses close to their corner, Snow sneaks in a tag. Now
*Snow* is all over Dogg. Dogg briefly comes back, and Holly sneaks in a
tag on Snow's back. Now both men are in - now Snow's hitting Holly and
Holly's hitting back. Can you see it now? "I wanna beat up Road Dogg!
No, *I* wanna beat up Road Dogg!" Meanwhile, Dogg, walks over on his
knees and tags in Gunn, who cleans house until Holly comes back with a
boot and a clothesline. Whipped off the rope, Holly runs into Snow and
they stare down. Snow moves back to his corner, but it's to grab Head.
Holly, meanwhile, has turned around to return to Gunn, so he takes a full
on Head shot. One doubleteam spike piledriver later, and Gunn's pinned
Holly (2:09). The lights go out before the winners can be announced,
however. BONG....BONG...UNDERTAKER & PAUL BEARER appear at the top of the
ramp. The lights come up and the rest of the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES
swarms the ring. 7 on 4 and the 7 get the better of them. Cole lets out
some gratuitous "what the hell"ing as Undertaker and Bearer slowly
approach the ring. Say what you want, and it's probably a little
"workrate incorrect" of me, but I think it always looks DAMN impessive to
see Viscera splash somebody. "Bossman, before this night is over, you
will come face to face with your maker and the Lord of Darkness."
Split screen shows Paul Wight and the Rock in separate locker rooms!
Whoa, Wight took his shirt off and he didn't look (as) fat!
Kripsy M&M's presents the WWF Slam of the Week! Or rather, the slap of
the week - Ross on Bart Gunn. Also Dr. Death comes in and does some nasty
stuff to Bart's head. Like dropping him on it.
Backstage, we see Jim Ross promise to Steve Williams that "they're not
gonna treat you like they treat me - they're not gonna MAKE you like they
MADE me!" Williams tells Ross to take it easy.
Cole & Lawler talk about Ross' situation as JIM ROSS makes his way to the
ring. We see a picture of Ross and his momma, and a clip of Gunn's
knockout of Williams in the BrawlforAll. There's an OLD photo of Ross and
Williams, wow. "Well folks I guess I've got some explaining to do -
before I get started I'd like to invite Michael Cole to come up here in
the ring and join me please - Michael would you join me for a second? I'd
appreciate it." Cole is uneasy, but complies. "JR, what's with the
shopping bag?" "Well, you're obviously on top of your game - great
question. You know folks, when I was sittin' home for three months,
tryin' to heal from this Bells Palsy thing again - I had a lot of time to
think. And I sat there one day, and I come up with a HELL of an idea.
Matter of fact, I believe it's going to be one of the most REVOLUTIONARY
ideas in the history of sports entertainment, 'cause you know Michael,
we're not in the wrestling business anymore, this is sports entertainment.
So what I've got here, folks, is a red Japanese - what do they call it, a
gi? There's a top, and look at this mask - look at this - isn't this a
stroke of genius? This is the idea that the creative and marketing
geniuses in this company came up with for a legitimate, four-time
wrestling All-American to wear in the ring, and I'm talking about Steve
'Dr. Death' Williams. This is the biggest pile of horse crap that I have
ever seen in my life. I can take it from here" and he takes the mic from
Cole. "Now Michael I got a couple things I'd like to address with you -
when you first came here to the WWF, who was the guy, the first guy
that went to you and said 'if there's anything I can do to help you, let
me know?'" "You did, JR." "Who was the guy who worked overtime - we looked
at tapes and we got you all ready to go to do your work on television, who
did that?" "You, did JR..." "Absolutely. And what thanks did I get for
it, Michael? You've got the little mousse on your hair, and your
little narrow ass - you're a pretty boy, that's all well and good - I
can't be that way, that's ok. But you went to the boys, you went to the
office, you went to the executive producer, you went to everybody and said
'well, you know ol' JR is never gonna be back - look at his face! Hell,
old JR would scare small children and animals,' isn't that what you said?"
"JR--" "That's exactly what you said so don't try to lie about it, so what
I want you to do - I want to leave you with something that you will
remember me forever and ever here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania..." and he
kicks him right in the nuts. "Now Michael, just like everybody else, you
are going to learn to respect JR...now drag your Yankee ass outta here to
the back, 'cause I'm gonna go back to work where I belong at ringside!"
It might be just me, but they're not gonna get him over as a heel with
crotch kicks - more like a FACE. Ross takes his place next to the King,
who is a bit flustered, but accepts him there.
We cut backstage, where McMahon calls Terry Taylor over. McMahon says
he'll give Cole the rest of the night off - go get Ross out of there and
then take his place. Turning to his Associates, McMahon asks Brisco and
Patterson to go keep tabs on the Ministry tonight. And, yes, I see that
we're gonna have a "Pat & Gerry Show" tonight which will no doubt put us
in stitches. Har, har, I'm laughing already.
TERRY TAYLOR arrives at the commentary table while Ross starts to rant
about "all I want to do is make a living, dammit! What's wrong with
that?" "Mr. McMahon asked me to get you out of here, so I'm asking you
nicely, please do what the boss says." "Well, I'll tell you whatMcMahon
has screwed me on many occasions and you're just gonna do what he says -
what, Red Rooster gonna get a little cocky? You gonna peck me to death?
... The Red Rooster is gonna replace Jim Ross doing play-by-play, that's
the most ridiculous thing that I've ever heard." Meanwhile, DR. DEATH is
out - and he manages to get Ross - still ranting about "a midcard wrestler
at best with a horrendous won-loss record" taking the play-by-play slot,
backstage. "My job! My chair!"
Backstage, Goldust asks Ryan Shamrock if she can taste gold. One seat
over, Blue Meanie seems kinda sad that Goldust has found somebody who
This is probably pretty poor taste but while I was watching Ross I kept
thinking about that one guy on the Trinity Broadcasting Network - you know
the one if you've seen him before, yeah. They kinda look...no, never
mind. Sorry. Don't you be laughing! Shame on you!
Patterson & Brisco are dressed like druids - Brisco wearing a flashlight
like a miner's helmet and fearing rats. Patterson assures Brisco that
they won't be seen in their outfits and puts down his hood to show us
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Napa auto parts - car parts for the 2-14
crowd, Propecia (to fight male pattern baldness in the 2-14 crowd) and
Castrol motor oil, for cars driven by the 2-14 crowd!
KING KEN SHAMROCK v. GOLDUST (with Ryan Shamrock & Blue Meanie) - Shamrock
rushes Goldust on the ramp and they brawl around the ring. Now they're IN
the ring and it's still all Shamrock. This match answers the question,
"What does the commentary sound like with two colour announcers and no
play-by-play announcers?" and it ain't pretty. Somehow Goldust turns
thing around and sets up Shamrock for Shattered Dreams, when for no reason
at all - Blue Meanie kisses Ryan, who is less than thrilled with that.
Meanwhile, Shamrock has freed himself and put up a knee for Goldust's face
to hit. One belly-to-belly suplex later, the match is over. (1:21)
Shamrock nails Blue Meanie and Dustin and Ryan make an escape while that's
Backstage, Shane and Chyna and Test - they're WALKING!
"Mean Streets of Greenwich" clip. I don't care HOW many of you write me
and tell me I'm nuts, I'M not finding it funny. Okay.
The Undertaker appears Sunday night for a Sci-Fi Channel sneak preview -
three shows including his appearance on "Poltergeist: the New TV Show."
Pat & Gerry show: they lurk outside a locker room. Gerry says they should
bust in and bust 'em up - Pat asks him if he's smokin' that stuff again.
Gerry reminds us he was All-American at Oklahoma and we're left to kinda
chuckle a bit...
X-PAC (with Triple H) v. TEST (with Skippy & That Slut Chyna) - Terry
Taylor still has the habit of referring to Triple H as Hunter Hearst
Helmsley despite a fairly implicit WWF media directive that that name
doesn't exist anymore. Oh well. We turn the hour and pop up a TV-14-V
ratings box while H does his boring, boring Buffer imitation, in which he
promises that X-Pac will take the silver spoon from Shane's mouth
and...well, I didn't catch it but it involved a "Corporate cornhole."
This is the first time I've hear the "This is a test" intro for Test and -
well...it seems kinda corny at that. Chyna has a new weave, too, by the
way. Shane joins the commentary team. If I didn't know better, I'd say
that they were trying - and failing - to combine overdubbed commentary
with taped commentary. What, you think I'm gonna talk about WRESTLING
tonight? I've gone a whole HOUR without having to do that! This match
consists of Test hitting a power move and Shane screaming like a banshee.
X-Pac manages to kick out at 2 after a sidewalk slam. Rear headlock and
X-Pac elbows out at the speed of light. Reverse neckbreaker for 2 by
Test. Slam. Test over the top rope - to the top turnbuckle - but he
meets and eats a boot. X-Pac is up - Test is up -
Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Kick by X-Pac. Off the ropes -
clothesline with a superfluous flip, just 'cause he can, I guess. Test
comes back with a powerbomb. Off the ropes - clothesline ducked, spin
heel kick by X-Pac. Bronco buster time? No, Shane leaves the table -
wait, Triple H is on Shane - Chyna is in the ring instead - Triple H pulls
HER out before anything can be done - X-Pac manages to hit his bronco
buster. Now Shane's made it in - he CLOCKS 'Pac with the European title
belt. Test makes the cover. 1, 2, 3. (3:55) The chase is on - Shane's
quite the sprinter anyway - but Chyna was lying in wait and hits a bigtime
lariat on Triple H. The three Corporate members walk off in celebration
as X-Pac and H are left in the ring. H gets the mic and tells us that
he's sick of this crap. Tonight he's gonna go find her and bring her to
the ring and humiliate her in front of the world. Stay tuned!
Pat & Gerry show - they break down the door - oops, it's the Godfather and
two ho's. Godfather KO's them both with one punch each. "Did you see
that blonde?" "Oh Gerry you're driving me crazy!" Next week, Pat & Gerry
watch "Sonny Bono: Behind the Music" and find out how they can get TV Land
on their DSS system.
The Undertaker is the Soulchaser on "Poltergeist: the Legacy" - THIS
APW (slogan: "We Wrestle")
comes to the Mt. Pleasant High School gymnasium FRIDAY NIGHT! Bell time
is 1930 and the main event is Mike Modest vs. Maxx Justice. It's a
fundraiser so you have NO excuse for not going! Unless you're me.
RAW is WAR is NEXT Monday at the San Jose Arena! Bell time for THIS event
is 1730. I can't HANDLE all this local action!
H walks around calling for "'gina" - oh wait, he's saying "Chyna."
GODFATHER (with four - no, two - ho's) v. THE GREATEST SPORTS ENTERTAINER
ON THE PLANET, STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh) - isn't this
considered a face on face matchup? Who do you root for? Blackman, of
course! Word on the street is that pimpin' ain't easy. Let Us Take You
Back to Last Week Where Blackman got jobbed in the kendo stick match
thanks to Teddy Long. Godfather offers Blackman his choice of either of
the ho's for the whole night. Blackman SMILES! "They know what to do
with a Lethal Weapon!" Blackman studies the fine female forms 'fore him.
Blackman, who is as smart as he is athletic, says he wants both of 'em.
"Well, listen up Super Stud, if you want 'em both, ya got both of 'em for
the whole night!" I think this is the biggest ovation Blackman ever
received - even LAWLER has respect for my main man, Blackman. (Forfeit)
Unfortunately, since no one EVER enjoys ho's on this show, DROZ is out to
attack away at Blackman. Fortunately, Godfather remembers he's a face, so
pretty soon it's two on Droz - but the lights go out - BONG...BONG...yep,
it's time for another appearance by UNDERTAKER & PAUL BEARER - the lights
come up and the rest of the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES once again
administers the beatdown. Geez, these guys must think they're the NWO or
something. "Now Bossman, how many innocent people are gonna have to be
hurt here tonight before you come out of hiding? Because one way or
another Bossman, tonight - there will be a sacrifice." Now I THINK
Blackman took out all nine guys in the Ministry right after we left this
shot, but I can't be sure.
Chyna, backstage - WALKS!
The WrestleMania countdown is at *3* weeks away! How many packages of
Kripsy M&M's can you eat in that time?
Take a shot every time "No Chance in Hell" plays over the PA. That's
kinda like a Sable hairdo, except not blonde, huh? "Hey Hunter, you don't
have to look for me pal. You want a piece of me? Come getchoo some!"
Oh no, she caught the Terry Taylor disease where you forget to call him
TRIPLE H! Before anything happens - the lights go out AGAIN - but this
time, THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE. Triple H *cowardly* holds
Chyna as a shield - then shoves her into Kane and attacks. Chyna grabs
H from behind for Kane, who shoots a fireball out of his glove. Whoa!
That was pretty cool! Unfortunately, Triple H had ducked and the fireball
hits Chyna full-force in the face. H tries to attend to her, but Kane
throws him out of the ring and sits over Chyna. A couple EMT'S show up
but Kane throws THEM out of the ring as well. Finally, Kane picks up
Chyna, whose hands haven't left her face all this time, and takes her out.
Replays STILL have me wondering how they did that with such precision.
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago - another angle and DAMN that still
looks pretty cool.
TOR(r)I (powers) (with Sable) v. LUNA TUNES - We look at an autograph
session with Sable from last week as we continue to talk about (and talk
about, and talk about) Sables Playboy appearance. Let Us Also Take You
Back to Last Week where Tori and Sable conspired to take out Luna with
Sable ignoring Tori afterwards. Sable joins the commentary team and
Lawler does one of his ultra-exciting drool takes that the fans love. See
Lawler leer over the Playboy pictorial! See him make indirect references
to masturbation! Anyway, there's a match here. Luna with a takedown and
clubbin' away. DDT. Is this it? No pinfall attempt as she keeps
punching, and choking. Finally, referee "Blind" Mike Ciota rings the bell
(DQ :39) since Luna doesn't let up with the illegal stuff. Sable and
Lawler are still doing the magazine talk - FINALLY Sable says she'd better
go help Tori, but he "help" looks more like some more beatdown. Then for
no particular reason, she relives Tori of her shirt. The bra is - BLACK!
This is the attention to detail I know you're all reading for.
Bossman arrives at the arena. Undertaker is waiting...so is the rest of
the Ministry. Seven on one...hmmm... - I like the odds for the seven.
The Coast Guard presents the Rescue of the Week! From last night's Heat -
Steve Austin rescues us from a Rock/Wight confrontation. Wight FAILS to
rescue Rock from a Stunner.
The lights go out for yet another segment - BONG....BONG....it's - yes -
it's the MINISTRY OF COMIC BOOK SALES! They've got the BIG BOSSMAN in tow
and - whoops, there's that "symbol" we've heard so much about - and he's
getting lashed. "You understand, McMahon that one by one your Corporation
will fall until there is only one - and then, she, too, will be mine.
Bossman, you can never rest in peace now. You have been sacrificed before
the Lord of Darkness." Bossman manages to break one of the bonds, and
then the other - but the Ministry is quickly on him - now the CORPORATION
is out to rescue their own. Paul Wight is having little trouble getting
through the Brood. Patterson & Brisco wave to off camera - now some COPS
arrive and advance on Undertaker - Undertaker takes out about four cops
and then - everything stops. The Corporation runs off and the Ministry
stands behind Undertaker. He motions to Paul Bearer, who takes a cel
phone and makes a call - Undertaker raises his arms - and when the lower,
the symbol lights on fire. Undertaker has also left his arms in position
to be cuffed. So he's under arrest - I guess for beating up cops? He
turns to the Ministry and shakes his head. He's walked off alone - the
Ministry won't fight - and Bearer continues with his call. Stone Cold and
Mankind are NEXT!
Another plug for Undertaker on USA's Sunday Night Heat (the prime time
schedule, not the WWF show, okay).
Backstage, we see the Undertaker led off in cuffs - Mr. McMahon manages to
show up to gloat about the Undertaker not being so tough now, and he'll
rot in jail, and stuff. "You threaten me, you threaten my Corporation,
you threaten my family? You better stay in jail, 'cause if you don't, I'm
gonna git you when you git out - I'm gone git you! Sonofabitch, I'm gonna
get you!" That cop was acting way over the top there, by the way. Oh
Hey, guess what? Remember how that embalming and that whole "cuttin' up
people and drinkin' blood" shit was stinking up RAW? Do you notice how
this week they managed to do NONE of that? Do you notice that the whole
Ministry angle is about kicking ass now? Well, I do. 'cause I kinda like
all this now. Three or four good ass-kickings can cancel out one teddy
bear on fire in the long run. Quote me!
ROCK, who is out for his guest commentary stint, will be on "The Net" this
Saturday. YOU go watch it, I'm gonna pretend to have a life this Saturday.
MANKIND v. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN for Mankind's guest ref spot with
"BLIND" PAUL WIGHT (NOW) as guest referee - Mankind enters first, then
Wight, then Austin. Huh. I think Mankind just got screwed there!
Austin demands to Wight that Mankind be checked before the match, and
Wight accedes. When Wight turns to check Austin, Austin is a weasel and
declines. Eventually, Austin lets him check. Mankind tries to attack
while Austin is talking to Wight but Austin gets the gut shot in instead.
Off the ropes, kick, Stunner attempt is shrugged off as Mankind goes
outside. Austin folows but Mankind gets the shots in first. Wight
decides that counting both men out won't accomplish anything so he goes
outside too. Austin's head meets the STEEL steps. Mic cable choke.
Austin kicks back. Mankind blocks a head to the commentary table shot and
delivers one of his own. Austin laid across the table and Mankind's up on
the apron - Austin walks off before we see a cool spot or something.
Hey, this is FREE TV! No cool spots for you! Mankind runs at Austin, who
back bodydrops him over the commentary table to the floor. Rock is
furious that Mankind landed in his drink. Back in the ring, vertical
suplex from Austin - 1 count seems a LITTLE slow, but we don't know his
cadence. Mankind to the apron - Austin trying to suplex him in, Mankind
countering with a hot shot. Mankind on him now with kicks. Rock calls
Mankind a "jabrone, flunky, hamburger." Hamburger? Austin to the
outside, Mankind crotched on the post. "Monkey piss" gets bleeped. Austin
wraps Mankind's leg around the post twice. Elbow to the forehead and
Mankind falls outside the ring. Rock calls a spade a spade, which must
mean - nah. Both men back in the ring - Austin with successive rights - I
*think* Wight should be breaking that up. Both men on the outside again.
Austin's head meets the STEEL steps. Mankind runs at him, but he ducks
and Mankind's knee hits the steps. Head to the steps, again, again.
Both men back in - off the ropes - sleep appplied! Mankind pushes him off
and HE puts the sleeper on. Austin with a jawbreaker to break the hold.
Choke on the second rope - Austin comes off and goes for the straddle but
Mankind is out of the way. Mankind with a - well, they didn't show us -
'cause we HAVE to see the Rock speaking. Anyway, it's a 2 count kickout.
Mankind with a chinlock and Wight and Rock are jawing at each other.
Austin punching out, now there's a double clothesline. Both men up at 6,
Austin getting in the first shot, punches in bunches, stompin' a mudhole
in him, choke on the second rope - off the ropes, THIS time the straddle
succeeds. 1 count and Mankind rolls out. Austin takes exception to the
count - Mankind from behind, gutshot, double underhook DDT. It's time for
Mr. Socko (wearing sleeves) to make an appearance. I notice several fans
in the front row swinging socks. Austin is up - claw attempt ducked -
Stunner attempt pushed off - Austin off the ropes and they collide.
Austin to the outside while Mankind puts the claw on - Wight is now
counting at the SPEED of light. 8, 9, 10. Mankind is your winner (COR
9:01) and now Wight gives Mankind a chokeslam just to make sure you're
good and confused. VINCENT K. is out to do some badmouthing, but he's
preventing Austin and Wight from fighting. Wight is out - Austin hangs on
to Vince (hey, he's not allowed to do that!) but before Austin gets
himself fired - Rock is in the ring and on Austin. But Austin fires back,
culminating in a clothesline that takes him out of the ring. Wight holds
back Rock and Vince barks at both of them. All three men walk off and we
can only assume that we'll learn a bit more of how all this fits into
Vince's plan...NEXT WEEK!
Well, the wrestling sucks, but those storylines are humming along nicely,
aren't they? Oh, I know, I know...I'M BIASED. Guess what I'll be
watching next week? And I'm not just saying that 'cause it's in my home