BLATANT PLUG: It's time to play "Spot the Hypocrisy!" because you know
I'm ALL ABOUT the backhanded compliments, har har:
Let me be THE FIRST! to say that the Big Slow (hey, Herb stole it from Dean first!) has bad entrance music. - Oliver Postlethwaite
Hey Ollie! Herb steals from Dean but I WAS FIRST, BOYEE!
You go visit Ollie's Wrestling Resources. You be clickin' on that link there, you go read ALL the Workrate Reports. You laugh much. You thank me later.
Yeah, I should plug his site after weeks he DOESN'T send me hits, right?
I GET LETTERS: No hatemail this week, only good stuff! Rev. Ray Duffy makes
both columns this week. Here's the RAW portion of his email: I think you missed the most important reason why steve's upset in that
commercial. He's going through a divorce. He needs all the money he can get.
Zack Jones offers: Just realized something from your report..."Then he pops a cold beer - cooooold beer - coooooold beer - cooooold beer." Then he drives his truck, tisk, tisk, tisk, the WWF is promoting drinking and driving. I'm sure MADD will be all up in arms over this.
Finally, Jeffrey Moeller makes a point: You wrote recently:
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new Intercontinental Champion (3:56) and
surely this is a sign of the impending Apocalypse. The ho's come back and
the celebration is on!
As a longtime wrestling fan, I'd like to see more apocalyptic moments like
this, especially on a night when "loyalty" is being bandied about as a
theme. Here's Charles Evans, who's been in the Fed off and on for what, 10
years, with a clean pinfall to pick up a midcard title? I can't recall him
ever being in anybody's doghouse for any reason, or on the police blotter,
or in WCW. Instead, he just competently (though not spectacularly)
wrestles away in the midcard, stays out of trouble, stays out of jail,
stays in the Fed, and does what he's told. I'd rather see him get a
midcard title than, say, an over-the-hill steroid freak on probation for
running down a cop. In fact, this is one of the things that I've liked
about the WWF in the past few months: the loyal midcarders who keep their
noses clean have been getting titles, and the troublemakers have been doing
penance jobs. This appeals to my sense of justice for some reason. Just
my two cents.
Well, I *guess* can dig it - until the next time I see him walk out with the
belt again. Then I'll bitch again. But it's a good point, even though
you all know how I LOATHE making comparisons between the two feds in these
One Year Ago, Steve Blackman appeared in the main event, and had his
unbeaten streak broken at the hands of Dude Love thanks to a DEVASTATING
abdominal stretch - and the fact that Mr. McMahon called for the bell. To
celebrate the anniversary of that momentous moment in Blackman history, I
now give you
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
TV-14-DLV - flashback to WrestleMania - Austin wins the match - flashback
to just after - Steve wants HIS belt - Vince tells Shane to give Austin
his belt - Shane decides to give the belt to the Rock - then a rematch is
set up for Backlash - Austin is goaded into destroying the Titantron with
Paul Wight's help - then Austin is goaded into being thrown off a bridge,
with the belt following him after it.
Opening credits - RAW IS WAR'S A MORN IN YOUR BAR!
OH WHAT A NIGHT on the USA Network (and maybe TSN) 19.4.99 (but taped
13.4.99) from the Unnamed Arena in Unnamed, MI - we're closed captioned
and en espanol donde sea disponible. Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry
THE ROCK drives a hearse into the arena (ohh, so THAT'S why the ramp isn't
there!) - we see a gravesite, complete with funeral wreaths and Austin
photo. Rock's gonna bury his dead monkey ass - has Undertaker been
alerted that someone's stealing his gimmick? Rather sizable "Austin"
chant causes Rock to smell it. Austin will be BURIED tonight. Rock
couldn't have given three drops of monkey (beep) whether he'd drowned or
not. There's probably some other stuff I'm missing here but I keep
humming "Six Feet Deep" in my head. GETO BOYS BAY-BEE! I'll say this: at
least it was a SHORT interview.
We gaze outside, where Austin will hopefully arrive later in the show.
How's that work? "Hey Steve, go ahead and show up whenever you want
tonight. We don't care. In fact, if you want to wait until, say, 10:55,
that'd be GREAT!"
Later tonight, we'll hear from Vince McMahon and Stephanie, about Shane.
Later tonight, the Ministry! Later tonight, Bossman vs. Shamrock, no
holds barred! Later tonight, Mankind vs. Triple H! Later tonight, some
ads! No, wait, that's NOW!
Backlash promo - it's SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
We take another look into the WWF Studios where the McMahons are LIVE and
there's plenty o' Secret Service style security around.
ROAD DOGG v. OWEN NUH-GIT (with De-Bra) - Owen comes out to Jarrett's
music - making him officially, once again, nothin' but a eunuch tag team
partner. Let's kick it doggy style! Owen's wearing his "HO" tights.
Sunday at Backlash these two teams will do the tag team thing for a RAW
title shot NEXT Monday. Dogg calls their team "Canadian Country" - naah.
Dogg says he's got a proposition for him - if he wins their match tonight,
they can have the #1 slot, but if Dogg wins the match, Debra will have to
show her "puppies." This sets off Lawler into a frenzy the likes of which
we've never seen - automatically qualifying it as the single most annoying
performance in the history of our great sport. Owen attacks before the
bell, but Dogg quickly comes back with his swingy dingy punches and his
wiggly wobbly woozly kneedrop for 2. Shut the FUCK up, Lawler. Whip into
the corner, Owen's up but he forgot to bring his opponent with him. Dogg
shakes his knees but Owen ducks the punch and hits the spinning heel kick.
There's another one for good measure. Dogg's head to the buckle. Kicks.
Whip into the opposite corner, Dogg goes down hard. Owen with a
backbreaker across the screen and an "I'm not a nugget!" to start up the
chant. Neckbreaker by Hart. 1, 2, no. Standing legdrop by Hart. Off
the ropes, head down, kick from Dogg, kick caught - enziguiri! 1, 2,
shoulder up! Scoop and a slam from Hart - to the second rope - flying
elbowdrop for 2. Off the ropes, reversal, Owen catches him - going to set
up the Sharpshooter - but Road Dogg kicks him away - standing switch, gut
shot, pumphandle slam - 1, 2, 3. (3:15) Lawler is a great big ass.
Dogg wiggles his knees and calls to the crowd. Debra dutifully unbuttons
her top as Lawler's voice gets higher than a little girl's. Now JEDOUBLEF
JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out with a guitar to cover up Debra's assets. Ross
calls him a buzzkiller. I wish he'd kill Lawler while he's at it. Oh
Backstage, Undertaker gives the Acolytes directions for their match with
the Brood, ending with a warning: "Don't fail me!"
Chef Boyardee ad features Mankind. Sorry, it's still funny!
Rock practices his eulogy backstage. Whee!
EDGE & GANGREL (with Christian) v. ACOLYTES - Let Us Take You Back to Last
Week where Undertaker treated Christian badly, causing Edge and Gangrel to
dutifully take umbrage, leading to the split that we're feeling
aftereffects of tonight. Faarooq and Bradshaw attack before the bell, of
course, and quickly get the upperhand. As Bradshaw and Gangrel go
outside, Faarooq wipes the mat with Edge. Edge comes back from the
powerbomb with a leg lariat off the ropes. Kicking away on his head.
Off the ropes - Faarooq with a spinebuster. Tag to Bradshaw. Knocks him
down. Elbowdrop misses. I missed the tag but Gangrel is in. Bradshaw
takes him down rather quickly as well. Placed on the top rope - superplex
coming up - Edge distracts him and Gangrel pushes him off - swinging DDT
from Gangrel looks pretty cool. Ross bemoans how deviant Undertaker has
become. Off the ropes, Gangrel ducks the big boot but Bradshaw catches
him in a fallaway slam. Tag to Faarooq, who attacks with precision. NASTY
doubleteam move reminds me of Villano IV's injury - Edge breaks up the
pinfall attempt. Bradshaw stays in and before he can put on the
piledriver, Edge is in again. Bradshaw punches at Edge, Gangrel gets a
surprise rollup, but that's only 2. Gangrel to Faarooq's boot, cool face
shot from Gangrel, Faarooq tagged in, to the rear chinlock. Scoop and a
slam. Faarooq stands over him - buttdrop - there's another one - I think
this is the first time I haven't seen a crotch shot counter from this
move. Off the ropes, head down, DDT by Gangrel - tag? Yup. Edge is a
house on fire despite the illegal tag! Dropkick! Clothesline! Bradshaw
hits HIS clothesline, though. Edge kicks out at 2. Gangrel taken out of
the ring. "Tandem powerbomb" says Ross, all right. Faarooq attacks
Christian to keep him from doing anything. Now KING KEN SHAMROCK is out
with his baseball bat, and he takes Bradshaw APART with it. Then he's
outside whacking all sorts of inanimate objects with the bat. The bell
sounds (? 5:20) Backstage, we see Paul telling Undertaker "It wasn't
really their fault - he hit 'em with a damn bat!" "Paul, don't you
understand, I do not have TIME for failures!" and Undertaker beats up a
pallet. I guess they lost or something.
WWF SmackDown - coming soon!
During the Break footage shows the Acolytes trying to explain what
happened, Undertaker saying it doesn't matter - and Viscera taking out
Faarooq (this black on black crime's gotta stop!) while Undertaker attacks
the already damaged ribs of Bradshaw. Geez, Undertaker's down to - what,
GODFATHER (with eight - no, four ho's) v. HARDCORE HOLLY for the
Intercontinental Championship - Lawler can NOT suck enough tonight - is he
channeling Schiavone if he were a superlech? Aaaaaagh. Anyway, braless
ho's probably ARE good for ratings but it won't make the Workrate fans
happy, I'm thinking. The IC title is on the line but the Hardcore title
isn't - this is NOT a hardcore rules match either. Holly tries to get the
upper hand at the bell but Godfather is too big. Boot up after a whip
reversal. Big clothesline for 2. Holly rolls out of the ring and
procures a cookie sheet but referee "Blind" Jim Korderas won't allow it.
Rollup by Godfather for 2. Punching away on him. Whip into the opposite
corner, and it's time for the Ho Train avalanche. Scoop, ref knocked
down, and a slam. Cover but no ref. Holly rolls out again and grabs the
cookie sheet again. Cookie sheet shot! Again, again! And one more. And
there's another. Holly's none too technical tonight. Godfather thrown
over the top and Holly follows. Whip into the STEEL steps. Holly finds a
broom and breaks it across his back. Now using the broomstick on him.
Rolled him back in - Holly gets a chair before going back in himself.
Godfather puts up the boot and kicks the chair into Holly. As he covers,
GOLDUST is out to break up the slow count at 2. While Goldust and
Godfather fight on the outside, AL SNOW makes an appearance to give Holly
a Head shot. With Holly out, even the groggy ref can get to 3. (3:12)
As Snow disappears through the crowd (Holly following), Goldust and
Godfather fight in the ring. I guess it's on for Backlash between Holly
and Snow - oh and for Godfather and Goldust. Lawler comes again.
Undertaker's on a cel phone backstage. "Midian - is everything in place?
Midian - don't you fail me. Don't you fail me. Or it'll be you that pays
penance at the hands of the Lord of Darkness. Get it done."
Vince and Stephanie smile in the studio - we'll hear from them later!
The US Coast Guard rescue of the week - from last week, Nicole Bass
rescues us from having to endure a four corners Women's match!
"My, what big tassles we have!" says the nice lady shining the Rock's
shoes. Somehow we talk a bit about Austin in here. O-kay.
KING KEN SHAMROCK v. BIG BOSSMAN in a No Holds Barred match - Let Us Take
You Back to Last Week where Shamrock was assaulted not only by the
Ministry, but by the Corporation - hmmm. Shamrock rushes Bossman in the
aisle - duck - spear from Shamrock - they're trading punches and now
Bossman's in charge - whip is reversed and Bossman tastes the STEEL steps.
Shamrock thinks about taking out referee "Blind" Tim White but demurs.
Bossman again taken over the steps. Shamrock and Undertaker Sunday at
Backlash! Bossman rolled into the ring, Shamrock follows and the bell
rings (finally?) to start the match. Shamrock kicking away. Bossman's
head to the turnbuckle. These guys were friends, right? Back and forth
with punches, Bossman whips and hits a big boot. Buttdrop on Shamrock's
back. Bossman to the face. Whoa, Bossman hits a Ghetto Blaster!
Forearm to the kidneys - off the ropes - spinebuster! Another spinebuster
for 2. Bossman grabs a leg and gets another 2. Bossman immediately tries
again and gets 2. Smart! Whip into the corner - not smart. Shamrock
puts up an elbow. Shamrock runs at him but gets powerslammed for 2.
Right hand, right from Shamrock. Trade again. Now Shamrock only punching
- Shamrock runs the ropes but runs into a clothesline. Bossman poses to
the crowd and gets some hearty boos in return. Right hand from Bossman.
Shamrock puts up a boot, but Bossman comes back with a right. Shamrock's
head taken to the buckle. Punching away. Off the ropes, duck, Shamrock
with his 'rana! Shamrock shouts to signify that he's either "snapped" or
"in the zone." Belly-to-belly suplex - 1, 2, 3. Huh. (3:20 bell to
bell, more like 4:19 really) The lights IMMEDIATELY dim. "Shamrock, it's
getting late. Do you know where your sister's at? Because I do. And you
know Kenny, I would expect more of you - leave your sister in some rundown
hotel outside of Lansing on Interstate 96. Yes Shamrock, I know
everything. Why I even know what room she's in. So maybe I'll start
knocking - room two - twenty-three. Hahahahahahaha..."
TWENTY-THREE? THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!
Yeah, but isn't Undertaker, like, IN THE BUILDING? Oh, maybe that's what
Let Us Take Back to Moments Ago where the Undertaker delivered a message
of doom and gloom through the magic that is the TitanTron.
RODNEY & PETE "GAS" join the commentary team - this will most surely suck.
I mean, oh boy, Rodney & Pete "Gas!" The Mean Street Posse! Hooray!
MANKIND v. TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna, RAW credits and TV-14-DLV
ratings box) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week where Mankind took out
the Mean Street Posse, despite the revisionist history of the Special
Guest Commentators. Oh yeah, Triple H uses "No Chance in Hell" 'cause I
went a whole HOUR without hearing it and that won't do. The verboten word
"Hunter" is spoken. This sure feels like an awful lot of wrestling for
the WWF, doesn't it? Lockup, side headlock from H. Right hand, again,
again, chain wrestling to a wristlock, takes him down by the hair. Back
up - lockup, off the ropes, back elbow from Mankind. Mankind with rights
to take him to the corner. Off the ropes, Mankind knocks him down. Chyna
calls him over - then ko's him. Mankind not smart there. Ross says the
forbidden word "Helmsley" - oh my, the fines this week! Mankind fires
back with punches after absorbing Triple H's punches. Into the ropes -
Triple H ties himself to the Tree of Woe and Mankind drops an elbow on
'im. Right hands. They keep saying "beefy and juicy" even though those
raviolis, to my knowledge, have never been characterised as "juicy."
Anyway, Mankind misses a splash in the corner and hits his head (we are
told). Taken to the outside, Chyna hits a nice scoop and a slam. Triple
H with a baseball slide dropkick and know he's punching away on Mankind
right at the commentary table. Head to the STEEL steps. Rolled into the
ring - H follows. Vertical suplex - running kneedrop. 1, 2, kickout.
Triple H to the face. Head to the buckle. Mankind fights back with
rights. Going off the ropes, head down, patented facebuster on the knee.
Mankind clotheslined to the floor. For the first time, somebody reminded
us that Triple H is from Greenwich! Must have been an accident. Triple H
on the outside, Mankind blocks the stairs shot and takes Triple H to the
steps. But a whip into the steps is reversed and Mankind goes over them.
H breaks the count and grabs Mankind, then throws him back in the ring.
Kick to the gut, again, right, rightwhip into the opposite corner, kick to
the gut, Pedigree attempt, Mankind with a double underhook instead -
H kicks him off, he hits the corner and falls, headbutting H in a
sensitive area. Mankind up first - Socko is out - but Chyna grabs the leg
and drags him to the post. (DQ 7:07) BIG BOSSMAN & TEST are out - they
and the Posse take turns stomping on Mankind. Chyna delivers a chair to
the ring - Triple H sets him up for a Pedigree on the chair - but THE BIG
SHOW is out, shaking his head. Triple H pushes Test at him, so here's
ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAM, which I think Ross must want us to call "Showtime,"
and the Corporation scatters. That awful awful music plays and Mankind
gets the mic. "Big Show, Big Show, don't get me wrong, it's not that I
don't appreciate the sentiment - thank you very much - but in six days, we
still have a date with destiny in my Boiler Room. And I'll see you then.
Have a nice day!" I'm hurt - he forgot to say "mmmmm - beefy!" Nobody
says "Paul Wight" a SINGLE time during this exchange, although "the Big
Show" is said MANY MANY times.
Outside the arena, the Rock talks on the cel phone (to who?) about Austin,
then about his new car. How exciting!
TCI local Backlash spot is all Mankind - except we all know now that the
focus of this PPV has since moved to the Austin/Rock rematch - oops
Anyway it's SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
WWF SmackDown spot #2 - is that this week or next week? I forget
WWF Backlash is PROUDLY presented by Castrol GTX Motor Oily! SUNDAY
BADD ASS BILLY GUNN v. JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra & gee-tar)
- It may shock you to learn that Gunn's got two words for ya. I recommend
castration for Lawler if he's going to continue with this gig. Let Us
Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Jarrett came out with his guitar
and covered up Debra. Gunn tries to sneak in before the bell but it
doesn't work as it's all Jarrett to start. Kicking away in the corner.
Whip into the opposite corner is reveresed, out of the corner, off the
ropes, clothesline, off the ropes again, big powerslam, and Gunn does his
Norman Smiley impersonation. OWEN NUH-GIT is out to watch what's going on
- coincidentally arriving just in time to pull out Gunn's leg while he's
whipped off the ropes. ROAD DOGG is out to even things up but
unfortunately, the chase stops short as referee "Blind" Earl Hebner
catches up with Dogg while Gunn is double-teamed on the outside behind his
back. Second rope double sledge by Jarrett. Kneedrop, fistdrop, Gunn off
the ropes with a Sunset flip for 2. If Lawler says "puppies" one more
time I hole up in a clock tower. Jarrett back with a clothesline for 2.
Stompin' on him. Crowd chants "nugget" with nothing better to do. Jarrett
climbs the corner but the ten punch count along attempt is met with
Jarrett dropped on the turnbuckle. Both men down, both men up. Off the
ropes, Gunn stops and takes Jarrett down with a faceslam. Off the ropes,
dropkick attempt finds nothing. Owen chokes Gunn on the ropes as Hebner
tries to remove Jarrett from an illegal attack. Now Dogg's caught up on
the outside, pushing Hart away, then moving Gunn away from a straddle -
Jarrett meets the rope. Off the ropes, clothesline ducked, they collide
in the middle of the ring - geez, usually their HEADS have to hit in order
for them to be out like that. Both men up slowly at 9, Gunn ducks a
lariat but Dogg is on the apron and hits a right hand. Dropkick from Gunn
sends Jarrett into Dogg - neckbreaker from Gunn - no cover as Debra's up
on the apron and the top is unbuttoned - Gunn is so impressed by the sight
of the tops of Debra's breasts that he just HAS to show her his ass.
Whee. Fame'asser for good measure - 1, 2, Hart is in to break the count -
oops (DQ 5:03) and the Road Dogg is in - doubleteam is on but Debra is
ALSO in and fidgeting with her bra. Jarrett has the guitar and covers her
up again. Meanwhile, Hart, Jarrett and Debra make their eventual escape
as the Outlaws celebrate. Then, and this is REALLY weird, Dogg starts
SINGING! "Spending my days workin' hard on the go / 'Cause the hands on
the clock keep spinnin' too slow / I can't wait to be alone with my baby
tonight..." Well, okay, no he doesn't really. I just wanted to see if
you were paying attention.
Another shot of the WWF Studios where Vince and Stephanie and some
security guy and some Michael Cole are hangin' out
Back in the locker room - knock at the Rock's door "Rock you want to do an
interview with dotcom?" Rock declines as only he can - then he calls the
beautiful, talented AND lovely associate producer a "skank!" Well, that
just ain't right.
The Nestle's Crunch Slam of the Week is the big Showkeslam on Christian
from last week's Big Show - err
THE BIG SHOW v. VISCERA - yep, Paul Wight is dead. Good thing I suppose -
I was getting kinda low on cool nicknames to go with him! This is a DREAM
MATCH! What a pleasure to call this kinda of action - they're - they're
LOOKING at each other! Lockup finally, Big Show knocks him down. Lockup,
to the corner, chop by Show, again, (woooo!), whip into the opposite
corner, Viscera puts up an elbow, clothesline, right, right, right,
shoulder drive, again, I would describe these blows as "deliberate."
Belly to belly. Tries to pull him out, nope. Knee. Whip is reversed,
follow lariat from the Big Show. Alleged hiplock on Viscera. Viscera
manages a headbutt to come back. Belly bounce. Repeat. And one more for
good measure. This is the GREATEST MATCH I'VE EVER CALLED! Avalanche
splash staggers the Big Show - but he puts up a boot as Viscera comes off
the ropes - oh he AIN'T gonna chokeslam him. Sure enough, the lights go
down - UNDERTAKER & PAUL BEARER walk to the ring. I guess Undertaker
couldn't wait for Viscera to fail or he'd have no Ministry left! C'mon
Ross, call him "Paul Wight" just ONCE tonight, I dare ya! Undertaker
enters the ring, Big Show not backing down. Eye to eye stand winners and
losers. Undertaker with a right, another, kick, Show blocks and hits a
headbutt, right hand, off the ropes, Undertaker ducks - chokeslam? Yeah
right. So Big Show clamps HIS throat, then Viscera comes back to bring on
the double team. Where's the ref anyway? The Big Show is still standing
despite the doubleteam from Underatker AND Viscera. Undertaker hits a
towering right to take him to one knee. MANKIND is out now to repay the
favour. As he strikes Viscera, Undertaker ducks out of the ring. Mankind
holding Viscera for a superkick from Big Show. "Well.....it's a Big
Show..." You know, maybe there's too MUCH wrestling on RAW tonight - I
don't know. Let's ask Herb. Big Show gives us one more
ahhhhhTHECHOKESLAM pantomime. (No contest? Let's call it 2:30)
Shot of outside - no Steve Austin yet
Coming up next - we find out why Vince & Stephanie have been LIVE at the
WWF Studios all night!
Yet ANOTHER shot of the LIVE WWF Studios....arrgh
Let Us Take You Back to Last Week and a Very Special Video Look at Shane
using Stephanie as Bait to Bring Vince out So He Can Berate Him and Become
Drunk With Power while Vince Tries to Turn Face
Michael King Cole turns to Vince and asks if he's proud of Shane. "I've
always been proud of Shane..." Maybe he hasn't been there for him all the
time, building a business to provide for his family - and Shane probably
missed out on a lot without him there. "I've always been proud of Shane -
until last Monday. I wasn't proud of that." Stephanie doesn't know what
to think anymore. She sure seems to smile a lot, though. "I feel like I
don't know anybody any more - and the one person who's really stood by my
side is my father...I just hope that soon this can all come to an end, and
my family will be-" the security interrupts - suddenly Vince is off like a
shot, shouting quite a bit and saying "Sonofabitch!" a lot (and not
getting muted!) And now he's out there kicking *Midian's* ass. vince
gets in his car and tries to back over him! He missed (damn!) - Midian
blows by Vince, gets in the car and speeds off.
So who's after Ryan Shamrock anyway?
Hey, does anyone else think that one security guy kinda looked like Lance
What'shisname? Nah never mind
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as Vince kicked Midian's ass mightily,
then tried to run him over, backing the car into - a curb - then Midian
making his getaway - this time they bleep the word "bitch"
We take one more look for Austin, and don't see him
Here's a shot of the grave
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Chef Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli, Castrol
GTX Motor Oily for Drivin' Hard, and by 10-10-321 - call someone who
VAL VENIS is out to tell us how hard his dick is. Lawler: "They sure love
him!" Ross: "Every inch of him!" Before his opponent comes out, here's
SABLE'S BREASTS, followed closely by (THE LOVELY) SABLE. Val lets her in
and offers his mic as if it was ... oh never mind. Sable says no grind
tonight and FINALLY gets some boos. Oh boy, she's a *diva* now! THERE'S
a word that isn't overused as all getout. Sable's got an announcement so
IMPORTANT that Val's match will have to wait. Sable says in just two
short weeks she'll be shooting for her second appearance in Playboy (just
imagine Lawler's reaction - sigh). Now IVORY, HER SCARF and D'LO BROWN
make their way to the ring. Ivory immediately starts doin' the catfight
thing with Sable - when Val tries to break it up, D'Lo takes HIM on.
NICOLE BASS makes her way to the ring, getting lost twice along the way.
She picks up Ivory by the hair - chokeslam coming up and NOBODY has the
facial expressions Ivory's got (except maybe Gangrel) -
ahhhhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAM. D'Lo rescues Ivory, carrying her out threshhold
style. Sable says "I'm Sable! You can't do this to me!" while Ivory
softly mumbles "ohhhh....my scarf...we MUST go back for my
scaarrrrrfffff.." And now Val's checking out Sable in the ring. Sable's
MAYBE checking him out back. I guess Val's forgotten ALL ABOUT Debra
since last week.
We check out the parking lot one more time. Lawler and Ross say "is that
him?" but I don't see ANYTHING moving out there...
Backlash promo one last time
THE ROCK comes out for his funeral procession. Let Us Take You Back to
Last Week and "the Barrage on the Bridge" and it took me three times to
see the post production "black dot" covering up the (floating?) dummy
after the splash, so nice job there, WWF. Rock starts his eulogy,
"trailer park trash," "rudy poo candy ass," you know - all the highlights.
I don't think ANYBODY believes that Austin actually WON'T show up tonight.
Rock says since Austin won't be here, the Rock brought something else to
bury - he opens his jacket to reveal that he's wearing *the Smokin' Skull
belt*! So it was all a big lie last week! Hey, that's pretty cool
actually. Anyway, Rock's gonna bury that belt and you better smell what
he's cookin', 'cause he's a brahma bull and Austin's a candyass, and NOW
it's on. We cut backstage to see the 3:16 Monster Truck and there's STONE
COLD STEVE AUSTIN - he walks over to the Rock's brand-new car and after a
polite conversation with the attendant, he lifts the car - anybody else
know where this is going? After parking the Lincoln in the road, then
looking at his monster truck. You can just sense him talking to himself
"Hey Stone Cold, you thinkin' what I'm thinking?" It takes him two tries,
but he eventually runs over the Lincoln - we learn that this is a $40K
Lincoln Continental they're sacrificing here. I wonder if insurance will
cover this. There's a second run by the truck. That Lincoln looks a
little flat, now. Austin drives the truck into the arena (did they just
raise the Titantron?) and pops open a cold Silver Bullet (I destroy a
forty thousand dollar car and you give me LIGHT beer?) But Austin's not
done - For good measure, he parks his monster truck on the hood of the
hearse. Rock runs at Austin as he exits, but Austin lands the first blow,
then stays on him. Rock taken to a security rail. Right hand. Whip into
the hearse! Whip into the tire of the monster truck! Clothesline! One
more security railing shot! Back to the first security railing! And now
they're climbing the mountain - and Rock is waffled with the belt - he
falls six feet deep into the grave! Austin finds a cooler has
mysteriously appeared - must be time for drinks for all. Austin pours a
beer into the grave, then hotboxes two beers after toasting his smokin'
skull belt. NO WAIT! It's SKIPPY - who we haven't seen all night -
BREAKING a shovel across Austin's back. Austin is OUT and Shane holds the
belt high with an evil sneer...
7 matches, 30:46 or thereabouts. It seemed like a lot more, but that was
probably because there wasn't any wrestling in the final quarter hour this
See you after Backlash!