by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
I GET LETTERS: Just to confuse me further, I received a letter from a guy
who wanted me to know that there ARE homosexual males who find Prince
Albert's hairy ass attractive. I promise to stay on top of this
penetrating controversy.
Hey, seen the blurb on WrestleLine on the cbs.sportsline.com website? "You
didn't know? Check out WrestleLine - SportsLine and WOW Magazine team up
to bring you the most electrifying website in sports entertainment."
Notice anything - MISSING - about that?
If you REALLY want to talk conspiracy theories, check out the original
press release at http://about.sportsline.com/releases/wrestleline.htm. I
especially love the part where it says the site "will become the online
home of WOW Magazine." Gag gasp choke arrgh.
Good to see that the respect built up between all the WrestleManiacs in
the online community - culminating in the "People's Choice" Award from
ScoopThis.com - has been so well-invested in a site that will eventually
supplant the almighty wowmagazine.com in the hearts and minds of wrestling
fan web surfers everywhere.
Moving on - I have several levels of bitterness...
Wednesday night I did something I haven't done in a long, long time: I saw
a movie on its opening night. I felt like I HAD to go see "South Park,"
just to fill my bloodlust for naughty words - I've had this situation
dealing with naughty words lately, you see. That movie was AWESOME. You
must go see it. I know many of you will have to ask your 18-year old
friends to take you, but it's worth it, believe me. Filthy language is
DAMN entertaining.
Inspired, I offer apologies to Eric Cartman (AND Kyle's mom) and offer my
thoughts in song:
"Weeeeeeeelllllll......
WrestleLine's a bitch, it's a big fat bitch
It's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
It's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch
It's a bitch to all the boys and girls
On Monday it's a bitch, on Tuesday it's a bitch
And Wednesday to Saturday it's a bitch
Then on Sunday just to be different
It's a super king kamehameha beyotch
Have you ever surfed this site I'm on
It's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
It's a mean old bitch and it has a stupid look
It's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch 'cause
It's a stupid bitch
WrestleLine's a bitch
And it's just a dirty bitch
WrestleLine is a biiiiiiiiiitch..."
And in THAT vein, one more letter which sums things up nicely and takes us
to the next millennium: [WrestleLine substituting] "fricking" for
"f*cking" ... that had me in stiches. Ever see "Scarface" on regular TV?
When Al Pachino talks about eating pussy, and they subsitute the word
watermelon....ah, the hilarity. - Shawn Farmer
That's beautiful. Really.
Tune in next week when I submit a column translated to French, then back
to English, to German, back to English, then to Spanish, and finally back
to English! It'll look like this! "Grant in the following week, in which
inserted a column, that finally is translated with the French, on the
other hand with English, with German, again with English, then with
Spanish and again with English! He resembles himself this!" NOW THAT'S
ENTERTAINMENT!
LAST WEEK Austin regained the World Wrestling Federation title to join Bob
Backlund (and some other, unimportant peopl) as a four-time Champion -
TONIGHT Austin will answer the Undertaker's challenge to a First Blood
Match!
Hey, that new USA Network logo is kinda neat - I'd seen it in promotional
stuff a month ago and was looking forward to it, 'cause the one they WERE
using kinda stunk (and they must have known it! Good for them! Get those
people over to WCW STAT!) - still, four logos in under a decade - they may
want to STICK with this one a while.
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Here's a TV-14-DLV ratings box and a WWF-style clipfest from last week,
culminating in Austin pinning Undertaker to win the WWF Championship a
fourth time, closely followed by Undertaker waffling Austin with the belt,
bloodying him up. And a bit from last night's Heat, showing Undertaker
challenging Austin to a First Blood match at the next PPV.
Closed captioned logo - opening credits - RAW IS WAR'S A BORN FOURTH JULY!
We are NOT LIVE from the Unnamed Arena in Fayetteville, NC 5.7.99 (taped
29.6) for WWF RAW IS WAR! This sellout crowd comes to you en espanol
donde se disponible on the All New (Logo) USA Network and (Boring Old)
TSN.
We start right away with the Not Wrestling as STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN
brandishes the WWF Title belt and poses at all four corners. Last Night
on Heat (I'm gonna start doing a Heat report - naah) Undertaker challenged
Austin - I believe we just went over this. Austin says Vince's carefully
laid four months' worth of plans were crumpled up and shoved straight up
his ass - which is true on many levels, actually. Austin says he happily
accepts Undertaker's challenge - he remembers the last First Blood match
he had with Kane, where Undertaker busted HIM wide open and cost him the
title - payback's gonna be a bitch, yep. VINCENT K. comes out to a
rousing chorus of "asshole" to prevent us from withdrawl - he's got a bit
to add - this fed ain't big enough for the two of us, so tell you what I'm
gonna do - IF Austin wins the match, Vince promises to never, ever
interfere directly or indirectly with him again; however, if the
Undertaker should defeat Austin, then Austin has to promise to never again
go for the WWF title. Why's Vince doing this? "The thought of you
representing the World Wrestling Federation as the WWF Champion makes me
retch with emotional trauma - the thought of you, Austin, with that WWF
title right in the ring - the sight of it makes me physically ill - makes
me wanna VOMIT! That's why I'm willing to take that risk, but I'll tell
you this - if you decide to accept the challenge, Austin, if you decide to
accept then think about it. This, one way or another, will be the end of
an era. And Austin, if you are somehow victorious, neither you nor either
any of these people will EVER see Vince McMahon again." Crowd cheers.
Vince even goes so far as to say that Austin's own attorneys can draw up
the contract. Austin accepts, and that's the bottom line 'cause you know
you know.
Your hosts are JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER. Tonight, a steel cage match!
The Rock and Triple H - what, again? Also, three title matches! And
Hardcore Holly & the Big Show team up against X-Pac & Kane!
Hey! It's the Rock - and - oh my God - he's WALKING!
MICHAEL KING COLE works tonight! And he's got THE ROCK backstage. Rock
takes this opportunity to model his new Smack Down Hotel T-shirt by
placing it over Cole's head. Pretty funny. Rock says that the Rock emits
electricity. Threats for Triple H, threats for Mr. Ass. Sing along with
the Rock!
HARDY BOYZ (with Michael Hayes) v. ACOLYTES for the Tag Team Championship
- Let Us Take You Back to Last Night where Kane gave Bradshaw a lovely
tombstone on the STEEL steps in the ring in an impressive shot that
probably really hurt Kane's knees. Backstage, we see that Bradshaw
doesn't have medical clearance, but Bradshaw will beat up anybody that
tries to stop him from competing tonight. Matt with a pescado on both men
to start, who catch him - so Jeff flies with a somersault and takes
EVERYBODY down. Big brawl outside - now Faarooq and Matt inside and
Bradshaw destroying Jeff outside. Matt landing on his feet after a
backdrop attempt - neckbreaker. Off the top rope from opposite corners -
splash & legdrop! Only 2. Matt staying on him - off the ropes - but into
the spinebuster. Jeff charging in - Faarooq with a powerslam. Tag to
Bradshaw. Big boot to Matt. Doubleteam on Matt - Bradshaw takes him off
the ropes, another big boot. Shot to Jeff for good measure. Kneelift.
Scoop - and a slam. Into the corner, shoots him into the opposite corner
- Matt puts the boots up - but trying the plancha, Bradshaw catches him -
so Jeff dropkicks Matt into a cover for 2. Faarooq makes the save, and
they dispose of Matt. Now doubleteaming Jeff. Faarooq gets a 2. Reversal
into a DDT for 2. Tag to Bradshaw after the kickout. Head to the buckle.
Elbow. Another. Got him by the hair - Matt with a kick to the head to
prevent the move - tag to Matt - repeated shots to the head - off the
ropes - head down - kick from Matt but Bradshaw hits the giant
clothesline. 1, 2, Jeff breaks it up - Faarooq in and tossing him through
the ropes - Hayes up on the apron - Faarooq outside to deal with him.
While all THIS goes on, Jeff has taken Hayes' walking stick and cracks
Bradshaw's noggin with it - referee "Blind" Jim Korderas busy with Faarooq
and Hayes. Tornado DDT from Matt - 1, 2, 3!! Ladies and gentlemen, we
have new tag team champions. (4:25) Well, I'm sad Faarooq doesn't have a
belt anymore, but it's nice the Hardyz took the titles in their own
backyard. When we come back, Ross promises "the damnedest ho's you've
ever seen" - and if THAT doesn't make you want to keep it locked in on RAW
IS WAR, well, you're just not a wrestling fan. Or something.
WWF Attitude LIVE hits the San Jose Arena Friday 16 July! Be there or
stay home!
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago as a walking stick and a Tornado DDT
seals Bradshaw's fate.
TERRY TAYLOR interviews the Boyz and Hayez backstage. Matt starts saying
something with is undoubtedly inspiring to all of us, but unfortunately
the picture cuts out and fades into GTV, where Droz and Prince Albert are
putting on their ho outfits - and Droz thinks he LIKES it...
GANGREL v. GODFATHER (with four - no, two ho's and ... ) - Let Us Take You
Back to Last Week where Edge helped the Godfather out when Prince Albert
tried to do a pierce job on a ho, and Gangrel looked on from afar with
disapproval. In case you haven't had it beaten over your head, it's quite
possible Gangrel's having some problems with his Brood-mates. Ooh, not
that close to the ho's, zoom out, thank you. Last night on Heat (Slogan:
"Where Angles Are Born") Droz & Albert lost a match which made them "ho's
for a day" so mirth and hilarity are soon to ensue, for sure. I *do*
kinda like them dollar sign glasses Godfather has on. Anyway, VAL VENIS
comes out to share in the festivities. Godfather introduces his two
latest ho's - DROZ & PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN. Droz does a Grind (just like
- damn, who used to do that again?) and Albert stumbles about in his
shoes. Godfather and Venis make sure we all get that they're laughing.
I kept waiting for Droz to say "life's a drag" but it didn't happen.
Anyway, Gangrel FINALLY has decided wrestling might be nice so he jumps
the Godfather. Off the ropes, reversal, duck, right hands, spinning wheel
kick for 2. Out of the corner, Godfather puts the boots up to stop the
charge, clothesline out, clothesline again. Legdrop misses. Gangrel
scoops - and slams. Off the ropes, elbowdrop misses. Legdrop HITS from
the Godfather, 1, 2, 3. (1:19) Droz & Prince Albert decide to atack Val
Venis - Gangrel joins them after surprising Godfather with his jumpin'
DDT. The triple team is stopped when EDGE & CHRISTIAN come out and stop
Gangrel, dragging him off (and unhappy at that!) - Droz and Albert walk
off, the damage done to Venis.
Backstage, Stephanie tells Test she's worried about him, and Test tells
her not to worry, then Stephanie makes her "puppy love" face to remind us
that there's something there, we know now what.
The US Coast Guard brings you the Rescue of the Week - from Last Week's
RAW, GTV presents Stephanie and Test leaving a hotel - when Terry Taylor
tries to get the goods, the Mean Street Posse jumps Test backstage.
Let's take a look at that steel cage again - that steel is UNFORGIVING,
sayeth Ross.
TEST v. THE MEAN STREET POSSE'S JOEY ABS - Let Us Take You Back to Heat
Last Night, where Test found Abs in the front row and let loose, only to
fall at the hands of the rest of the Posse. Abs comes out to the theme
from those Mean Streets of Greenwich vignettes. Test spears Abs on the
ramp to start - bringing him into the ring to start the match - Abs takes
control and hits a nice suplex. Test ducks a clothesline and hits a
gut-wrench powerbomb. In the corner, punching away, choke, into the
opposite corner, clothesline that takes off his head, head to the corner,
into the opposite corner, elbow up to stop the charge, right hand, suplex,
right hands aplenty. Clothesline ducked, but big ol' chokeslam not.
Before Test can put him away, SKIPPY appears forcing STEPHANIE out with
him. Test, of course, is watching this, and failing to see RODNEY & PETE
"GAS" behind him - there's a clip, there's a doubleteam, now a tripleteam
as Joey is up (DQ 1:53) and Shane's making his sister watch. Finally the
Posse walks off to the top of the ramp, Shane does a lot of screaming and
Steph does a lot of scowling in his direction.
The APW 1999 Too Hot to Handle Tour continues with a stop in San Jose's
Silver Creek High School Gym! Get the card here!
Chyna & Triple H are outside Chyna's car with some cops - Chyna is furious
that her car is graffiti'd up with "DX" and "BREAK IT DOWN" - Chyna says
she saw Road Dogg & X-Pac doing the dirty deed.
D'LO BROWN v. AL SNOW for the Hardcore title - Brown talks on the mic and
misses Snow walking up from behind with a cooking sheet. Whack, whack,
whack, and it's on. Quick enough we're over the guard rail and making our
way back to the back. Broom to the gut - broom broken oover the back.
Head to the concession stand. DUELING BEVERAGES! Now on an escalator -
now off the escalator. I believe Ross sums it up nicely with "ah, the
dreaded potted plant shot" - now at the pay phones, so we can have some
gratuitous 1-800-COLLECT jokes - D'Lo reaches out and touches Snow with
the phone's headset. Head into the door. A quick edit and Snow finds a
shovel (a HUH?) and they take turns whacking each other with the shovel.
Snow takes a garbage receptacle shot. Now in a dining area with lots of
tables - but Snow's found a chain to choke with. NOW to a table - no,
reversal, reversal. Head to a round table - D'Lo to another table - FROG
SPLASH! Table doesn't break. Brown asks if he recognises. Snow manages
to take Brown to another table (with powder under it), then says he DOES
recognise him as he punches him repeatedly. Brown manages to reverse,
taking Snow through a table. Brown gets some other tables dumped on him
by MIDEON who happened to be strolling by, I imagine. Snow lays Brown on
yet another table, then walks behind the curtains - Snow reveals that he's
standing on a raised platform - splash off that, and through the table. 1,
2, 3. (5:10) Mideon walks out to check on Brown and makes a pretty funny
laugh at him.
Elsewhere backstage, the cops ask Finkel, Slaughter and Garea if they've
seen X-Pac & Road Dogg. Slaughter and Garea say no, and the Fink rats 'em
out, 'cause he ALWAYS ... you know. Finks.
The Rock "gets chefy with it" - that is to say, "stands around and
occasionally ingests ravioli while other folks dance and rap."
Yo! It's a cage! And people will be in it later tonight!
ROAD DOGG (with RAW credits) v. VAL VENIS (with "Earlier Tonight" clip and
TV-14-DLV ratings box) - said clip involves Droz & Albert putting the
boots to Venis - wow, no entrance at all shown for Venis - he either was
really raunchy or they've got SO MUCH ACTION they had to edit out the
entrance. Ha ha. Venis gets the early advantage but Dogg comes back with
two clotheslines, right hand and back to Venis with the whip/hold
on/clothesline bit. Side Russian leg sweep. Bump'n'grind, right hand
punches in bunches. Of course, I would be remiss if I noted that Lawler
and Ross can't be bothered with commentary, preferring instead to talk
about the DX merchandising money mystery and Chyna's spraypainted car.
Dogg breakdancing between punches now - hey, there's SOME COPS & X-PAC as
the kneedrop only gets 2. X-Pac in cuffs - and now the Dogg's in cuffs,
and led off, as we look backstage where Billy Gunn and Chyna are watching
in disgust. "They wanna play dirty, that's what they'll get." Hmm, let's
say (no contest 1:37)
Strangely enough, we DON'T take an ad break to go directly to
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with De-Bra) v. A BACKSTAGE LOOK AT X-PAC &
ROAD DOGG LOADED INTO A POLICE CAR - NO, WAIT - IT'S CHAZ (with Marianna)
for the Intercontinental Title - Ross wonders why Chaz suddenly gets an IC
title shot - hey, yeah! Me too! Ross mentions that Chaz is wrestling in
his underwear, causing me to wonder who could POSSIBLY be interested in
seeing some guy wrestle wearing THAT. Chaz has the mo' until missing a
second rope elbow drop. Whip is reversed, powerslam from Chaz for 2.
Off the ropes, dropkick, off the ropes, Bossman straddle. Debra up on the
apron and undoing her top - Chaz motioning to Marianna, who starts to give
Debra what for - while we're busy watching four breasts - no I won't say
"puppies" - whoops - anyway, Jarrett hits his Death Penalty for the pin
(1:45) - before being able to break the geetar on Chaz, THAT GUY WE KNOW
AS THRASHER runs in and cleans house. A joyful reunion between the former
Head Bangers ensues. Uhhh....yeah!
wwf.com promo deals with the sensitive
issue of dog crap
Michael King Cole stands in front of an exciting door - and promises that
right after this next match we'll hear from Triple H and Chyna
Let's sneak another look at that cage - why not
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Castrol Motor Oily and 1-800-COLLECT, AND
Western Union Money Xfers!
EDGE (you think you know him) v. BIG BOSSMAN - Wow, what's with all the
matches? I kinda like it. Lockup, Bossman throws him down. Back up,
lockup, side headlock from Bossman, off the ropes, shoulderblock and Edge
hits the deck. Bossman begs him to get up - lockup, to the corner,
headbutt to the heart from bossman, again, Bossman manages a reversal and
a punch - Edge dares him to come on and get some - drop toehold - back up,
off the ropes, reversal, spinning heel kick from Edge - Bossman slides out
to the apron, Edge slides between his legs to the outside, then drops
Bossman to the floor. Bossman back in - Edge back in with a missile
dropkick from the top rope. Bossman manages to kick out at 2. Bossman
brings him up and takes him down on the top rope. Splash from Bossman. 1,
2, arrogant cover nope. Better cover, only 2. Finally hooks the leg and
Edge kicks out at 2. After arguing with referee "Blind" Jim Korderas,
Edge sneaks up from behind with an inside cradle and gets 2 himself.
Bossman with a clothesline to knock him back down. Picking him up by the
hair - scoop - no Edge, reverses, there's that famous spear - 1, 2, 3?
(2:24) - hey, it's not THAT great a spear. Anyway, Bossman quickly perks
up and takes the nightstick to Edge - now the cuffs are out and Edge is
secured to the top rope - and now Bossman is giving the nightstick a
workout on Edge - there's a shot for Korderas as well. Bossman dangles
the keys in front of Edge as CHRISTIAN comes out, gives a shot to Bossman
and procures the keys - but before he can unlock him, Bossman takes the
nightstick to the back of HIS head. And now Christian is cuffed - Ross
wonders aloud where Gangrel is as Bossman wallops the (we've forgotten
they're) brothers with ye olde clube. Bossman raises his arms - he may
have lost the battle, but tonight, he's won the war.
Michael King Cole interviews Chyna and Triple H. Chyna says she's going
to press full charges - she'll make them PAY for damaging her property.
Triple H wonders aloud how beating the living hell out of the Rock will
get him closer to the WWF title.
Poor Keshia - from cute Cosby kid to annoying anti-smoking activist - how
the mighty have fallen
The WWF Slam of the Week is presented by Starburst Hard Candy - it's Billy
Gunn being Brad Pitt with an attitude, or something
KING ASS (with That Slut Chyna) v. MEAT (with PMS) - Odd enough we had a
fan favourites matchup earlier with Venis and Dogg; now, a matchup between
rulebreakers to further confuse the live crowd. Gunn pushes Meat off the
apron to the floor to start and continues to dominate from there. It
doesn't hurt that Chyna gets in a shot while Gunn discusses the 223rd
anniversary of Our Great Nation with referee "Blind" Mike Chioda. Meat
manages an armdrag and a - something - for 2. Off the ropes, Gunn manages
to come back with a suplex. Off the ropes - wow, that was one high
Fame'asser - 1, 2, 3. (1:39) - Jacqueline walks in and gives Gunn what
for - so Chyna steps in behind her, then hits a forearm and a DDT while
Gunn hits a DDT on Meat. Chyna takes out some spray paint - Terri gets
her ass tagged on her way out of the ring - Ryan escapes pretty much
unscathed. Gunn and Chyna take the spraypaint and paint the ring (AND
Jackie and Meat) "DX" while Ross and Lawler put two and two together for
the benefit of the more dim amongst the viewers. "Theme from DX" plays
while Chyna smiles and Gunn invites us to kiss his ass.
In 85 minutes, RAW and the War Zone have had as many matches as were in
three hours plus of Nitro. I just find that - interesting.
Let Us Take You Back to Ealier Tonight, where Chyna told the local
constabulary that she saw Road Dogg and X-Pac tagging her auto. Later in
the show, said finest took off DX in cuffs. And Moments Ago, Gunn and
Chyna sprayed up the ring and the folks in it with spray paint "awfully
similar to that on Chyna's car." Hey, do you get it yet?
WWF Fully Loaded comes to you a few Sundays from now thanks in no small
part to the kind sponsorship of Starburst Hard Candy!
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & HARDCORE HOLLY v. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE
IT'S KANE & NOT X-PAC - Unless my grasp of tonight's storylines deceives
me, X-Pac is still on his way to the Phi Gamma Slamma, making this a
Handicap Match - Holly is quick to tell referee "Blind" Earl Hebner AND
Big Show that HE'S running things for this team tonight. 'Cause he's
insane, you see. Last night, seemingly from out of nowhere, Kane and the
Undertaker started palling around together in the ring, because it
advances a storyline or something. Holly still layin' down the law for
Big Show. "This guy's unbelievable..." Show and Kane start - trading
punches - now a barrage of rights by Wight! (well, it rhymes anyway) -
Kane coming back with throat chops - Big Show blocks a punch and delivers
a head butt - off the ropes, duck, standing dropkick from Kane but he
doesn't budge. Off the ropes, but into a Big Show powerslam. Holly
demands the tag - Big Show complies. On him with kicks and elbows - Kane
is up - whipped into the opposite corner, repeated kicks from Holly -
Tomahawk chop? - well, it doesn't matter, Kane's absorbed all that and now
it's HIS turn to do damage. Standing on the neck - Big Show content to
stand there. Well here's UNDERTAKER & PAUL BEARER come out to distract
Big Show. Holly with a dropkick to Kane's knees, and another dropkick to
Kane, and now HE is looking at Undertaker - Kane manages to shake it off
and give another chokeslam to Holly to go with the four from last week. 1,
2, 3. (2:33) Big Show still mesmerised by the sight of the Undertaker,
so Kane clips him from behind. Now Kane & the Undertaker are
doubleteaming and generally confusing me and the audience. With X-Pac not
around, Kane's not to be stopped - Kane with the suplex - naah. Undertaker
joins him - WOW! DOUBLE SUPLEX on Big Show. Kane laying into him with
punches. Taking turns stomping - now Kane leaving by himself. Anybody
seen Holly? He disappeared during Heat last night, too. Slippery
bastard, ain't he. Undertaker has a chair during all this - WHACK. Kane's
left but Big Show's opened up - ahh yuck. This is a message to Stone Cold
Steve Austin, you see! Undertaker gets in another stomp, then walks off
with Paul Bearer, leaving Big Show bloody and groggy.
Looking for a videotape buy? May we suggest a fine choice from "Steve
Austin: Hell Yeah," "the Rock's Know Your Role," "Come Get Some," or "Best
of RAW, Volume 1?"
That cage - it just HANGS there - no no, not now! It's LOWERING! The
main event is NEXT! (But, but, but! There's twenty minutes left in this
show!) Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago where there's a double suplex,
a bitchin' chairshot, and a bloody forehead on the Big Show.
TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. AD BREAK in a Steel Cage match - hey,
I'm as shocked as you are.
TRIPLE H (with That Slut Chyna) v. ROCK in a Steel Cage match - Can I just
say there are FAR too many people on this World Wide Web that spend FAR
too much time staring at Rock's nipples? Thanks, I had to get that off my
nipples. CHEST! Cage matches are no fun for play-by-play - it's always
like "guy climbs cage wall - JUST at last minute, other guy pulls him back
down to the ring." Yawn. Anyway, both men have an exciting array of
kicks and punches to keep you entertained. To say that this match is just
like the ten thousand OTHER matches they've had is to minimize the
importance of the UNFORGIVING STEEL that's surrounding the ring. Then
again...seeing Rock hit his dozen right hand punches in a row... Rock is
the first to try to scale the cage - H pulls him down and not only
crotches him but gets a nice landing out of the Rock onto the canvas as
well. Ross: "I tell you what, when your face is thrown into that STEEL,
you know what gives, and it's not your face, it's that ... I mean, that
STEEL ain't gonna give up ..." I can't decide what I like more, the
Helmsley kneedrop or the Helmsley kneelift - or maybe the Helmsley high
knee! Speaking of which, there's the high knee following two ducks.
Triple H goes for the door (always wiser than scaling the wall) but Rock
holds on - H kicks him away but Rock catches him again, but not before
Chyna slips him a set of handcuffs. H loads up his fist and KO's the Rock
- there's another fisticuff! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Triple H locks one of the
cuffs to the cage and tries to soften Rock up enough to put his wrist on
the other. Face first into the cage wall. Lawler commanding Helmsley to
get Chefy with him - huh? Rock hits a Golotta to prevent the cuffing.
Rock takes Helmsley's head to successive top turnbuckles. Off the ropes,
head down, Helmsley with a swinging neckbreaker. Triple H scaling the
corner - ummm, the DOOR is right THERE, dude. Triple H one step away but
Rock grabs the ankle. H kicks Rock away - now poised on the top
turnbuckle - now trying to get out again - nope. Rock manages to turn
this into a SuperArmdrag and Helmsley tumbles to the mat. Rock crawls to
the door - referee "Blind" Tim White opens the door - but before Rock's
out, Chyna rams White into the wall of the cage, knocking him out, then
slams the door on Rock's head. Chyna in the ring and dragging Triple H
out of the cage. Only problem - White is still out of it and can't ring
the bell. As H and Chyna walk up the ramp, Rock is out and striking both
of them. Triple H coming back - no, back and forth now - now Triple H
going for the Pedigree out on the floor - Rock reversing to a catapult
into the cage. White starting to stir but not before Rock takes Triple H
back in the cage and shuts the door (ummm, why not stay outside, Rock?)
Rock taking Helmsley to the wall of the cage - Samoan drop - Rock climbing
the ropes (the DOOR! USE THE DOOR! WALK OUT THE DOOR!) but just at the
last moment - Helmsley grabs the ankle to pull him back in. Rock manages
a gutshot and then a DDT. Both men down and not moving. Rock up first -
again he climbs a corner (THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE!) - Rock climbing - now
turning around to hit a SuperAxehandle - just 'cause it looks cool, I
guess. Triple H manages to come back with a facecrusher on the knee -
Rock hits the wall and comes back into a clothesline. Crowd chants
"Rocky" but Triple H is the one that's moving - Chyna exhorting him on -
Rock is up and grabs the tights - now Rock on the ropes - Helmsley kicking
him down - Helmsley over the top - Rock holding him by the hair - and now
pulling him back in. Both men on top of the cage - exchanging blows -
thumb to the eye by Triple H. Calling for a chair, and Chyna manages to
just find one. Chair passed - whack! Rather gingerly swung, but I won't
complain - for now. Triple H climbs down to the - oops, he slipped and
crotched himself on the ropes, then tied himself up - now passed out on
the mat. You tell me why he felt like he had to climb down on the inside
instead of the outside. Man, cage matches are BRUTAL. Anyway, Triple H
crawling to the door while Rock slowly - so slowly - climbs down the wall.
Hey the standard ending! Unfortunately, Helmsley is leaving head first,
so you know Rock's feet touch first (13:56) Fortunately, the baddies have
the last laugh as KING ASS comes Fully Loaded (says Ross), hitting a
Fame'Asser on the Rock, on the floor. Lotsa rights. Head to the STEEL
steps, and now to the wall of the cage - Triple H helping. Gunn throating
him on the barricade - and we're gone.
10 matches, 36:31. Get this - the SAME amount of wrestling as Nitro. So
was this RAW pretty good or Nitro pretty awful? A little of this, a
little of that. See you next week - but WHERE?
Christopher Robin Zimmerman
www.CRZ.net