by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
FOR SMACKDOWN! COMPLAINTS: You have to wait until the next SmackDown! report,
CHARACTER REFERENCE: "...let me just say that while I have a lot of
respect for CRZ the Writer, I have no respect whatsoever for CRZ the
Person." - Sean Shannon, 24.9.99, answering the rhetorical question "Why
keep something to yourself when you can say PUBLICLY?"
SONG LYRICS: "Don't think 'cos I understand, I care / Don't think 'cos I'm
talking, we're friends" - Sneaker Pimps, "6 Underground"
WHAT COLOUR IS THE SKY IN YOUR WORLD: "...maybe he'd like my Nitro recaps
for WrestleLine as well. It's not like they've got anyone with any real
talent doing them now, right? Right? Relax. That was a joke. Maybe." -
Sean Shannon, in the WrestleLine Heat report (aka CRZ's table scraps)
BLAST FROM THE PAST: "Me, I think...Zimmerman is a screaming bore depite
the legions of soulless copycats floating through the recapping ranks.
That's me." - The first WrestleManiacs Heat recapper...his name escapes
me...Fresh something or other (where is he now? Is he still trying too
damn hard to be JUST LIKE ME?)
REALIZATION: Apparently, I've been spending too much time of late doing silly things
like "transcribing interviews," "taking down play by play," and in general
"reporting show results" as opposed to "getting myself over" and "dissing
other online columnists" and for that, I apologise. I'll try to get back
on the ball as the weeks roll by.
REALIZATION 2: By the way...
I may be spiteful, bitter, bizarre, crusty, annoying and overly expressive
...BUT YOU ALL CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!!
CRZ ON THE ROAD: I'm going to the big Coachella thing weekend after next - if you're going,
let me know, but only if you're going to see Art of Noise, BT, Banco de
Gaia, Gus Gus, DJ Shadow, Chemical Brothers, Beck and About Fifty Other
Artists That Are Not Named Morrissey. You're a Morrissey fan...back of
the line, poser. (Fortunately for me, my ex-roommate's wife does not read
this column so I can get away with stuff like that.)
I'll also be slumming around San Diego and LA next week, but those are big
places and I think I've already filled out my schedule. Still, if you
want to buy me stuff or sleep with me or whatever...well, you'll probably
scare the hell out of me, to be frank, if you actually cop to ANY of that,
BRIBES: Oh shit, that reminds me, Martin Zacks is double cool for mailing a SECOND
time a copy of IEEE Internet
Computing magazine, where he is a contributing editor. I have managed
to completely forget to thank him publicly for like three or four weeks
now. And that's not fair, 'cause he actually gets PAID to write all
professional and stuff! Thanks again!
MORE SHIT THAT ISN'T THE RAW REPORT: I have a problem - the WWF thinks that KICU airs Metal at noon, while KICU
thinks they air Jakked at midnight - they're BOTH wrong - I get Metal at
midnight. Now, Kevin Kelly and Terry Taylor are pretty damn funny and
preferable to the pair of Michaels as far as commentary goes, but my big
problem is I'm getting TV-PG action in a TV-14 slot! Reading the Jakked
report (you mean there ISN'T a Jakked report on WrestleLine?), I KNOW I
missed some hot ho action 'cause I had to watch Metal. Also, they take
all the blood out of the flashbacks! (Well, most of it anyway). All of
this begs the important question and perhaps the ultimate REAL problem out
of all this: namely, what the hell am I doing watching WWF syndicated
programming during the weekend, anyway?
AND FINALLY: Anybody that gives Unforgiven a "thumbs up" needs to send a little of
whatever they're on my way, I think. Jericho and X-Pac had better matches
in WCW, the main event was good but hardly great, and everything else was
textbook mediocre, save the abysmal,
should-be-universally-selected-as-Worst-Match-of-the-Year, Kennel from
Hell match, which was so bad as to GUARANTEE that the main event could NOT
come CLOSE to saving the card.
But let's try to move on, shall we?
TONIGHT: From the historic Greensboro Colesium, the new WWF Champion
Triple H will be here, Chris Jericho takes on his biggest challenge - the
Big Show, and that Austin character will be running around.
The best thing about this Roddy Piper "match" on "Walker: Tejas Ranger" is
that that isn't really slow-motion - that's Piper's REAL wrestling speed
these days. Ha! Didn't I just recap this match a few short months ago?
Weird how it always seems to come around and show up on Mondays, isn't it?
Har har har...
TV-14-DLV - One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Still shots from last night's 6 Pack Challenge, along with a few slo-mo'd
MOVING shots show the clusterfuck - albeit an *entertaining* clusterfuck -
that was the main event resulting in Triple H regaining the title in a
move that should have surprised no one - with the WWF, it's not WHAT
happens, it's HOW it happens.
"Earlier Today" footage shows the good and just (and gentle!) Vince
McMahon resolving the referee's dispute - just like that? Well, that's a
bit of a letdown. Vince goes on to give a pep talk, telling the zebras
that they have the authority, and now it's up to them to take command in
the ring. Jim Korderas, we will note, is wearing a sling and stands just
a bit away from the rest of his comrades...
Opening Credits - RAW IS WAR'S A IS THIS ON?
FIREWORKS mean WE ARE LIVE from the Greensboro Colesium in Greensboro, NC
27.9.99 for WWF RAW is WAR! Let's waste no time introducing the new champ
(or is it the old champ? Well let's at least give him a new moniker...)
TREBLE H (along with THAT SLUT CHYNA) makes his way to the ring and this
is no doubt the first of at least 57 times we hear that wonderful theme
music tonight. Will he be over before THIS title reign is over? You
know, they don't boo HIM, they boo that MUSIC. One weak "asshole" chant
won't cut it as far as heel heat goes, I'm thinking. Well, let's listen
in. "Like I give a crap what you think! Each and every one of you can
rest assured that EVERY SINGLE TIME I hold THIS in the air, you can kiss
my ass! Last night, I proved it again to the worrrrld, that Triple H is
beyond the Man - that Triple H is stronger than all - that Triple H is
indeed The Game. And as a matter of fact, is the best damn Game there has
ever been in this business! Because last night I got into the ring - six
of the best professional athletes in this game today, and when it was said
and done...when it was all finished, I proved to the world that they
weren't even in my league! But the sweet justice of it all, the best
thing of the night was that none other than Stone Cold Steve Austin...that
Steve Austin had to get down on his hands and knees and he was forced - he
had no choice - it was that dominant - he had no choice but to kneel and
count 1, 2, 3 - counting me to the victory. And in the other sweet
justice, over none other than the People's Champ. But Austin, it will not
stop there. Because Jack, it goes like this. You are next. You are
going to be the last notch on my belt of success. Because Austin, I will
not sleep - I will not rest - until I beat your ass right in the middle of
this ring." BRITISH BULLDOG is out, and he's wet. I consider the new
theme a step back, by the way - thanks for asking. I'm STILL humming the
one from SmackDown! Pretend I'm typing with an accent: "Cut it. First
of all, let's forget about Stone Cold Steve Austin right now. Because YOU
and I made a deal last night - and correct me if I'm wrong, Triple H - Mr.
Game Boy - and the deal was that if either one of us became the World
Wrestling Federation champion at Unforgiven, the other one would get the
very first title shot the next night on RAW, and guess what, Hunter - I
think tonight - RAW is WAR." Crowd is...apathetic. I bet they're all
waiting for him to say that he's BIZARRE! "Hey! I didn't tell you to
speak! Third of all, I bailed your ass out last Thursday on SmackDown!
AND I did not come back to the World Wrestling Federation for nothing, I
came back to the World Wrestling Federation for one thing and one thing
only, and that is to become the World Wrestling Federation champion - and
tonight, that belt is going around the British Bulldog's waist." "Now
easy here, Davey Boy...you just calm down before that bucket-sized head of
yours pops off. Relax, all right? This is plan and simple. And I'm
gonna explain it to you nice and easy so you can understand it. The fact
of the matter is - *I lied to your ass.* You ain't gettin' nothin'." "You
know what? We can do it any way you want, Game Boy. Because tonight, I'm
gonna take your ass out - I can take your ass out right now, or I can take
it out later on RAW for the WWF title. Triple H, Game Boy, it's plain and
simple - the choice is yours." I hope he says "Game Boy" one more time!
"The choice is mine, huh? Yes, plain and simple - screw you." "You know
what? Being the arrogant son of a barrogant son of - I knew, I KNEW you'd
say that..." and he jumps him. The USA censor has been replaced with some
kind of weird echo instead...that's what that was up there. Anywho,
Bulldog wailing away - but he's forgotten that they are not alone in the
ring. Chyna from behind, Smith spins around and there's a Golota from the
champ. Now the doubleteam is on - three refs come out and manage to break
it up ('cause they're not scabs!) - a familiar theme fires up and VINCENT
K. comes out. Whew, I missed him. "Triple H, first of all -
congratulations Triple H on once again becoming the World Wrestling
Federation champion. I hope the British Bulldog caused you no bodily
harm. I'm disappointed, however, to hear that you are reluctant to defend
the WWF Championship in Greensboro, North Carolina. Because tonight, YOU
WILL. And Triple H, you won't be defending the title, however, against
the British Bulldog, no, not tonight. You'll be defending the title
against the man whom the British Bulldog SCREWED out of his championship
opportunity at Unforgiven with a foling metal chair. That's right, Triple
H, you defend the World Wrestling Federation championship...and you
defend the title tonight in Greensboro against the Rock." Ross
says he thought it was Austin's opportunity, and *I* was gonna say that
too, but Ross is a big Austin mark so I just lost the will to say it
Your hosts are in fact the aforementioned JIM ROSS & JERRY LAWLER. How
will Austin react to this disappointment? Also tonight: Chris Jericho and
the Big Show hook 'em up! The New Age Outlaws throw down an open
challenge - who will pick it up? And ... Ivory takes on Moolah and Mae
Young in a handicap match? Let us take you back last night on Heat where
Ivory had fun at the expense of the two elders, only to suffer from a
punch from Moolah - and here's a clip from Unforgiven where Ivory had the
misfortune of selling some more offense from said seniors. Woo boy
Backstage, Jeff Jarrett talks to Dr. Tom Pritchard while Miss Kitty looks
Mankind holds balloons and presents...and leads a mysterious figure under
a black hood...together, they're WALKING! The Rock is gonna go banana
when he sees what's under the blanket!
We take one more look at Jarrett, Kitty and Pritchard - because this time,
"Earlier Today" footage shows Stephanie and Test picking out a tux.
Listen to the ladies scream when Test walks out dressed like a penguin.
Man, don't watch RAW with your girlfriend...God knows WHAT ideas'll pop
into her head!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, MIDOUBLES KIDOUBLETY and DR. TOM PRITCHARD
walk to the ring. Let Us Take You Back to Last Night, where Chyna won the
Intercontinental Title, but suffered a reveresed decision at the hands of
"Head Scab Referee" Pritchard. As a result, Pritchard suffered a
pedigree. Now let's listen to Jarrett: "Now Chyna, Debra, I don't want
any women out here tonight getting hurt on your behalf, so tonight I'm
gonna make this real simple. Accept our challenge and there won't be a
skank in the house tonight to get hurt. Last night at Unforgiven, you two
women were completely out of hand, and tonight us men are gonna put you
back in your place. That's right, tonight on RAW, the battle of the sexes
- Dr. Tom and myself against you Chyna, and you Debra. Let's see if you
two women have the..." and then the wacky USA echo takes over to cover up
the word "balls." You know, I sure prefer the "fake crowd mute" to the
FRAM! brings you RAW is WAR - along with WWF: the Music (Volume 3 - Goody
Got it!) and WWF SmackDown! trading cards
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW v. CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Curtis Hughes) -
"Welcome to RAW is JERICHO. And I know that a lot of you people expect me
to brag and gloat about the fact that I ended Ken Shamrock's career, but
to be quite honest, that's EXACTLY what I'm gonna do! Scamrock, you
should be absolutely thrilled that you survived your encounter with Y2J
with only a body cast and traction to worry about - I mean, I am one bad
mammajamma - look at my track record. Road Dogg - career ending injury.
Scamrock - incapacitated indefinitely. And now tonight, the World
Wrestling Federation's newest Most Dangerous Man is going to end the
career of the World Wrestling Federation's biggest waste of sperm in YOU
Big Show because when I'm finished you will never, EEEEEEVER bore these
Jerichoholics agayne!" Jericho in quick, sticking and moving, whip
reversed, duck, Show catches him, presses him - and drops him. PRINCE
ALBERT is out to take a good look at "the Big Slow." When he knocks off
Show, HE'LL be the WWF's "skyscraper." Well it's a big clubbing forearm.
Well it's a big boot on the neck. Hughes up on the apron - well it's a
big headbutt to take HIM to the floor. Jericho dropkicks the knees from
behind to take him down. Jericho on the knees. Eidos Interactive's
"Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver" brings you the Double Feature. Show picks
him up, Jericho holding onto a short arm scissors, and drops him again.
Jericho holding the top rope to stop the chokeslam. Jericho manages a
kick in the nards as referee "Blind" Teddy Long stops to warn Hughes, Show
catches him anyway and there's - well, there's no chokeslam as Long rings
the bell (DQ? 2:03) because Albert is on the top turnbuckle and there's a
dropkick off the top rope! Hmm, usually we don't ring the bell until
AFTER the interference...oh well, must be a little rusty. Anyway, as
Jericho and Hughes try to leave, who should appear at the top of the ramp
but the ROAD DOGG, who gets a few licks in before they disappear off the
ramp and out to the back.
Again, Mankind talks to the guy underneath the hood. If you're
like me, you had a feeling it might have been Stevie Richards...so who
should walk into the picture but Stevie Richards, decked out in Dude Love
regalia. Richards asks Mankind if he could borrow his gimmick - he wants
to be Dude Love. Foley does a spit take. "Why?" "'Cause he's a chick
magnet!" After he walks off, Foley confides to his hood "The chicks HATED
Dude Love, that was part of the gimmick!"
Steve Austin is WALKING! Whoops, there's Pat Patterson - get out of the
shot! Whew, that was close - you were almost spotted!
The all-new therock.com - it's
You wanna talk Attitude? You better be talking Acclaim Sports!
MICHAEL KING COLE has caught up with Chyna - she's more than happy to take
part in the challenge, but Debra might want to just stay out of the way...
I hear glass, time for a drunk ass STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN to wobble to
the ring and stagger to four corners. He's a little surprised and a lot
pissed off that Vince McMahon isn't living up to his promises by giving
HIS title shot to the Rock. Austin calls out Vince as he has some
'splainin' to do. "No Chance in Hell" brings out VINCENT K. to the ring.
"You want an explanation?" "Oh you're damn right, I want an explanataion,
because I reinstated you so I could get my title shot, so you're damn
right Einstein, I want an explanation." "You're entitled to one, and
first of all, even though I've said it privately, I'd like to publicly
thank you for reinstating me in the position of power here in the World
Wrestling Federation. Secondly, Stone Cold, I did say - the agreement
was, you reinstate me, you get the title shot. That was the agreement.
The only thing is, I didn't say to you WHEN you'd get the title shot.
Wait a minute...those looks are unnecessary. I've seen that look before,
and that's not called for and I'll tell you why - because I AM gonna live
up to my word - man to man, just like was promised Stone Cold, just like
was promised - you WILL get your title shot. You'll get it in less than
three weeks time. You'll get it at No Mercy no matter WHO the WWF
Champion will be. No matter." Austin gets confirmation (title shot at No
Mercy - absolutely), and promises that if he DOESN'T get the title shot,
he'll stomp a mudhole like never before in Vince's ass and walk it dry -
and that is the bottom line, because he is saying so.
GTV shows Joey Abs and Rodney kicking Terri to the curb following a
playful romp in the shower ("That train's left the station!") - before
Pete "Gas" got his chance! "Why do I always have to be the caboose?"
WWF Unforgiven encore presentation is TUESDAY!
I always boggle at a Hardee's ad in California.
I always boggle at that chick's REALLY short skirt in the SMINT ad
Now I'm boggling at the Designer Republic making a contribution to Wipeout
3 - can another killer soundtrack be far behind?
Triple H prepares for his big title match tonight
Rock paces because preparing is for suckers
STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh - and a bag of FUNK) v. D'LO BROWN
for the European Championship - Let Us Take You Back to Last
Night's match between Blackman and Venis - and the aftermath including a
Jim Dotson spear. Brown's Sky-Hi and 'Lo-Down on Mark Henry last night is
the Lugz Boot of the Week. Blackman on him to start. Hey there's DROZ
come out to get some commentary time, since Prince Albert already did it
tonight. These two don't seem to be getting along as well, do they?
Atomic drop from Brown, there's a clothesline. Blackman ducks a
clothesline, kick, kick, dropkick. Off the ropes, duck, 'rana from Brown!
There's a kick - flourished legdrop for 2. Up and over - hot shot from
Brown, then pulling him out to the floor. Whip is reversed into the STEEL
steps. Blackman's got a kendo stick - whack! Jim Korderas rings the bell
with his good arm (DQ 1:46) - Blackman walking away - no, wait! WHACK on
JIM DOTSON! WHACK! Blackman NEVER forgets...no...Blackman NEVER forgets.
Too bad this can only end with Blackman jobbing out to the "Security Guy"
in a probable pay-per-view opener. Poor Blackman - he'll just never get
over that hump. Meanwhile, Droz calmly walks over, beats up Brown - then
pukes on him. Here's ...SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY? Yup, he's checking
on Brown - who wants nothing to do with him. What's up with all THAT?
For the third time, we see Mankind and his special guest - and for the
third time, Mankind promises that the Rock will be incredibly surprised
(and, presumably, so will we). They're WALKING! Could they be...NEXT! ?
"During the Break" footage shows a disappointed Austin politely declining
an invite to the party from Mankind. He'd MUCH rather lean against a wall
and sulk! Probably just 'cause he's sober...
MANKIND is out with balloons, presents, and a "THIS IS YOUR LIFE" book.
Whose birthday is it? It ain't Mick's...his is the same as mine, 7 June!
"Hello Greensboro...I guess probably a lot of you watched the show last
night - maybe some of you saw that I stuck Mr. Socko in the Rock's mouth -
hey, I know what I did and I've got to live with it - so I stayed up all
last night thinking of a way to make it up to the Rock and I've got it
right here. So after a lot of soul searching I'd like to say that at
least in my heart the Rock and Sock Connection lives on. So what I'm
gonna do, now Rock I hope you're back there listening - I'm gonna ask the
People to play your music - and if you come out, well, that'll be the
first step toward forgiveness, and if you don't, I guess I'll have to
accept the Rock and Sock connection is dead ... hit the music! Go ahead,
hit the music!" The new music plays - and LA ROCA *does* appear at the
top of the ramp, looking. ever-so-slightly amused. There's the RAW
credits, the TV-14-DLV ratings box, and also a logo for THEROCK.COM. The
crowd chants his name for a while. Rock wants to know what Mankind wants
- Mankind says that "this IS your life!" There's a bit of pyro and a
jaunty theme - confetti and balloons fall from the sky. "Rock, let me ask
you this - does Mankind know how to throw a little pardukey or what?
While all these people pop these balloons, I want you to listen real close
and tell me...as we look into the pages of yesteryear, do you remember
this voice?" "Duane? Would you like to answer that important question?"
"That's right, Rock, Mankind has pulled out all the stops and he
has brought to you your sixth grade home economics teacher MRS. BETTY
GRIFFITH...largely acknowledged as the women who taught the Rock his wit
and wisdom, as your home economics teacher Mrs. Griffith may have very
well been the first one who truly smelled what the Rock was cooking!" Is
that Dean Douglass' old theme? She wants a hug, but the Rock holds her
off. "Sure the Rock remembers you, sixth grade, home ec class, right. Do
you remember how all year long the only thing the Rock wanted to do in
your class was make pancakes? And you never let the Rock make his
pancakes, did you. You wanted the Rock to make chocolate chip cookies,
blueberry muffins! But never pancakes. And then right before summer
vacation you said 'hey Rock, tomorrow I got a nice surprise, because I'm
gonna let you FINALLY make your pancakes.' And then the next day you came
to the Rock, and you said 'Rock, unfortunately I'm all out of Aunt
Jemima.' Well, that's ok, the Rock says this - you still like to cook?
You still like to bake bread? You *know your rolls*, right? Well then
the Rock says this - you should know your role and shut your mouth - take
a little walk down Know-Your-Role Blvd., hang that right on Jabrone Drive,
and then proceed to check your Aunt Jemima, no-pancake-havin'
ass...direckely into the Smack Down hotel!" Much to the fans' apparent
delight, Griffith is escorted out of the ring. Well, Mankind will try
again. "All right, Johnson, hit the ground and let me see ya do me
twenty!" The second guest is COACH EVERETT HART from the Freedom High
School Warriors, coming out to Lex Luger's "I'll Be Your Hero." Lawler:
"This is television at its best!" I'm turning on this segment, myself.
Of course, Rock has a tale of woe for THIS guy as well - apparently the
Coach made him run sprints when Rock decided to hot dog it instead of show
good sportsmanship. Rock says he'd like to take his whistle, shine it up
real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways, and ... God this segment is taking
FOREVER. That's Strike Two, says Rock. Mankind has another guest -
coming out to the Narcissist's theme (is this Lex Luger night?) is Rock's
high school sweetheart JOANNE EMBRIANNE (YOU figure out the spelling). Of
course, Rock has a sad story to tell for her too - apparently she cut him
off at second base. Rock says something about "poontang pie" - I sure
wish I spoke whatever language that was! Then Rock tells her to "poontang
your ass outta here." Can we GET TO THE PUNCHLINE already? Mankind tries
to apologise - he didn't think things would turn out this way. "I didn't
know your home economics teacher was going to be a bitch - I had no way of
knowing that your football coach would be such a jerk - and I had no way
of knowing your old girlfriend was such a complete skank. I just wanna
make this night special, and dammit, it's gonna be, because we are going
to open up the People's presents!" Drum roll highlights Rock opening the
box - it's a jacket with "Rock" on the front and "Rock and Sock
Connection" on the back. Mankind has one for himself, which apparently
was in the other box. Mankind has an envelope for the Rock as well - IT
contains a sock with the Rock's face on it - *Mr. Rocko!* Of course, Rock
is nonplussed. FINALLY Mankind turns our attention to just outside the
ring where that figure is under the black hood - I snapped to and figured
out about three seconds beforehand that it was YURPLE - undoubtedly the
cherry on this whole steaming pile of...hey! Doink's "good guy" theme for
Yurple! Yurple places an "IYQ" on Rock and a streamer. Ross:
"I'm beggin' for a Rock Bottom." Rock smiles and asks the clown what her
name is, then tells her it doesn't matter what her name is. Mankind
finally takes some umbrage, telling Rock he's a very ungrateful little man
- but more importantly, Yurple is going to lead the crowd in "Happy
Birthday." Very badly. Somebody brings out a cake, decorated for the
Rock - and we all know where this is headed. The Rock is appreciative to
all his fans, but he reminds Mankind that his birthday is in fact 2 May.
Mankind says he knows, but every day he spends with him FEELS like
somebody's birthday...oh, please shoot me. And now TRIPLE H is out,
swinging the sledgehammer, and missing, but FINALLY helping signal an end
to this segment from hell. Everybody scatters. H sqaushes some balloons
and chews gum meancingly. Hey Triple H, come out about fifteen minutes
earlier and you'd be my new favourite wrestler. This segment DESERVES to
lose if there's anything resembling wrestling at ALL on Nitro. Of course,
it'll probably just double up on the competition. Sigh.
It bears noticing that the cake somehow managed to escape getting pushed
into somebody's mush. I believe that's the first time that has failed to
happen in professional wrestling in approximately 32 years.
Tonight after RAW, Emmanuel Lewis gets...well I won't spoil it for you
NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. ? for the tag team championship - if you didn't watch
SmackDown!, you didn't see the Outlaws reform AND win the tag straps much
to everyone's confusion. The USA echo seems to have been repaired, with a
proper muting out of "beyoooootch." Backstage, we see the Hollys discuss
whether or not they're super heavyweights. They decide to go get the
scale. We'll have that match - NEXT!
While I have you here, what happened to that Hollys/Hardyz matchup hyped
for Heat? Couldn't have a match as it'd break up the flow of PPV
shillin'? Oh well. Serves me right for watching Metal!
The lights are out - and ... Kane's theme? The DX theme? HAH?
NEW AGE OUTLAWS v. X-PAC & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE for
the tag team championship - well, the *pyro guys* knew, anyway. Makes you
wonder where the Hollys are. Just like Thursday, a tag team reformation I
have no clue why it done happened. As X-Pac and the Dogg lock up,
HARDCORE, CRASH & SCALE HOLLY walk down to the ring, take headsets and ask
what is up with Kane & X-Pac taking THEIR tag team title shot. We look
back at the ring as Gunn and Kane lock it up. You wonder what exactly
the Hollys are waiting for, since they don't seem to have anything
important to say on headset except "what's goin' on here JR?" about a
MILLION times. All four men in the ring now. I'm just WAITING for
the Hollys - ah, there they are. (DQ 2:23) Hardcore Holly tastes a Kane
chokeslam and Crash Holly has fun with the broncobuster. Everybody shakes
hands - I guess Mr. Ass and X-Pac have no issue no more. Waah.
TERRY TAYLOR is hanging backstage with MAE YOUNG & FABULOUS MOOLAH -
Moolah does the "aunt pinch" on Taylor, then says they're going to teach
Miss Ivory a lesson - she should respect her elders. Young pipes up with
an Admiral Stockdale-esque "She's a tramp!" Moolah says you're never too
old to kick some ass. Both these ladies are into their eighth decade of
life, and they're absolutely KILLING my ability to make fun of Hogan over
on the other channel. I hope they're happy.
The US Coast Guard (Slogan: Not On My Coast) presents the Rescue of the
Week - Steve Austin coming to the rescue of picket crosser Jim Korderas
who was suffering at the hands of the striking zebras. This marks the
only time EVER that referees were actually *causing* damage instead of
IVORY (with feather boa instead of scarf - I'll let that go) v. FABULOUS
MOOLAH & MAE YOUNG in a nontitle Handicap evening gown match - see, it's
called a Handicap match because *that's the Zone where Moolah & Mae are
parked.* I bet at least ten guys come up with that line tonight (or steal
it from me, at least). It's an EVENING GOWN MATCH? Let's HOPE not. Oh,
there's your exterior shot of the building. Ivory knocks Moolah down with
a shoe. Mae Young with a takedown. Ross reiterates: "You're never too
old to kick ass in the WWF!" Oh God. It's like they're TRYING to prove
to me that they don't have to show wrestling. DAMN! Feather boa takeover
and I SWEAR she landed on her head. There's another bump right on Young's
head - maybe she just doesn't notice at her age. Semi-bodylam by Young to
turn the tide, but only briefly. Ivory ducks a clothesline from Young but
not one from Moolah. Young with a headlock - Ivory with a rake of the
face - and now she's relieving Young of her gown (umm...err...) and takes
her over the top rope to the floor (yowch) - this is, frankly, quite
disturbing to watch. We can only shudder to think of who in the upper
echelon of the WWF braintrust got a major woody thinking of how this match
would play on television and subsequently approving the booking. Well,
Moolah is in and thankfully, she's slightly more frisky. Hairpull
takedowns - now riding her back and bashing her head into the canvas. Now
Ivory loses her gown, to everyone's delight (2:53) and relief! Ivory with
a dropkick in the back of Moolah - Young holding onto the hair. Ivory
escapes up the ramp - then Young s-l-o-o-o-o-w-l-y chases her up the ramp
while Moolah works the crowd.
There's Chyna - she's WALKING! Her matchup with Jarrett is NEXT!
GTV presents Val Venis picking Mr. Rocko out of a garbage can - then
rolling it up and stuffing it in his pants.
When was the last time you heard me say that RAW has pretty much blown
chunks? Stick around...
Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver brings you WWF No Mercy Sunday 17 October!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & DR. TOM PRITCHARD (with Midoubles
Kidoublety) are out. "Let's go Chyna - what's it gonna be? Are you gonna
run and hide like every women would and should do? Or are you gonna have
a brass set and step into MY world - a MAN'S world. Let's go!
This is the last time! Just what I thought - women are only good for
three things - cookin', cleanin' and--" THAT SLUT CHYNA appears at the top
of the ramp. She'll agree to the match, but only if, should she pin
Jarrett, she gets a rematch for the IC title at No Mercy. Jarrett says no
problem, since there's no way she'll pin him. That matchup is NEXT!
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET & DR. TOM PRITCHARD (with Midoubles
Kidoublety) v. THAT SLUT CHYNA & DE-BRA - Debra isn't wearing her ring
attire - and comes out to Jarrett's theme. Ah, she's here to remove her
top and distract Pritchard. There's a Golota from Chyna to take Mr. X
out. Clipping - 15 yard penalty for Jarrett! "This is gonna be easy
work!" Elbowdrops on the knee - Figure four is applied - Debra in and
pulling on the ears. Miss Kitty in and on Debra - oh boy I HOPE they
catfight! Why, Kitty's wearing a white thong! Chyna manages a Golota on
Jarrett while he watches this - meanwhile, Pritchard is in with the
gee-tar - there's the Kabong on Chyna - but she falls with one arm draped
over Jarrett! Referee "Blind" Teddy Long turns around and counts the fall
- 1, 2, 3. (1:11) Oh boy, another month of Jarrett and Chyna! Debra
checks on Chyna...
Triple H is pissed - and he's WALKING!
The Rock is also WALKING! Their big match is NEXT!
It's NOT thinking, God dammit!! It's just a videogame!
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN is out - but he's not part of this match! Looks
like we just picked up a drunk colour commentator.
TREBLE H v. LA ROCA for the WWF Championship - Triple H's music starts off
midway through, and he starts attacking before the bell - must be tight on
time. Rock reverses and punches away as well. Whip into the opposite
corner - FLAIR FLIP! Rock outside. Helmsley over the barricade, Rock
follows - they're out to the rink wall - now back over the barricade.
Head to the STEEL steps. I *dare* Earl Hebner to DQ this match over.
Vertical suplex - blocked - Helmsley hits one instead. Helmsley takes
Rock's head to the commentary table. Over another barricade. Punch,
punch, right blocked, Rock back with rights. Where are they going now?
Well, out of camera range, I suppose. That's not a good idea. Looks like
they're in the benches. Helmsley taken into ...a sign? Surely a
staggering array of punches and kicks is the sort of thing that will earn
- nay, DEMAND - Rock a berth in the WWF Hall of Fame. Coming back
over the barricade now. Back to the commentary table again. Back...IN THE
RING? NO WAY!! Right, right, off the ropes, Rock reverses, head down,
facebuster. Rock catches him - but before he can hit the uranage,
Helmsley busts out - Pedigree attempt, no there's a counter - there's a
catapult into the turbuckle. 1, 2, no. Right, off the ropes, duck,
Samoan drop by the Rock - 2 count. Clothesline takes him over the top to
the floor. Helmsley blocks the punch and drops the Rock on the commentary
table. There's another clothesline. Rolled back in, H grabs a chair
before HE comes back in. Hebner trying to wrest it from Helmsley - Triple
H decks him. Chair to the Rock! H says he's got one left for Austin -
Austin rushes the ring, firing away with rights, off the ropes, duck,
gutshot, Stunner, Rock up, Rock Bottom. STILL no ref. Aren't there like
five other refs? Apparently they've all missed the buffet they didn't get
have while they were striking. Finally, the Rock stirs. Hebner with the
trademark slow count. 1.................2.............BRITISH BULLDOG is
out to make the save. Hebner calls for the bell. (7:15) Bulldog
stomping away on Rock - now stomping away on the CHAMP - running powerslam
for Triple H as the WarZone credits are up - and we're out.
Ugh, a bad night. A bad, bad night. Couple that with the PPV and you
have to wonder when exactly the meltdown took place over the last month.
Okay - onward! Commence complaining about my terrible, terrible bias!
Christopher Robin Zimmerman