by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
I GET LETTERS: It's time to play spot the errors! Read along with Name
I think you (like many recappers) have an over-exaggerated sense of
self-importance. You do a rundown of what happened on a wrestling program.
Aside from that, you are not the least bit consistent. If you're going to
make an off color, and tasteless Owen Hart comment, at least say something
sick and fucked about about the Droz..
I saw your pic over at TOA.. Wrestleline is pretty smart, they don't run
that dorky, zit-faced, oily-aired photo of you, and there's a reason or
two for that.
Now that I know what you look like, and being on the West Coast myself
(NorCal, just like you, except I don't listen to KSJO metal bullshit
stations like YOU do, or any stations here, they ALL SUCK), so I think
what I may do is look for you at the next Oakland Colesseum (sp.?) or Cow
Palace, or San Jose Arena events, and do many people a favor and kick your
fucking scrawny ass up and down the coast, drag you around by your long
stringy hair and give you something flippant to write about it.
You have a necktie with the WWF logo on it? Just like your sweaty, fat,
out of shape idol, Mick Foley? Really!? How about you wear that to the
next house show (I'm sure you already have) and I FUCKING HANG YOU WITH
Try to have a nice day.
Hell, I've already had a nice WEEK - your letter is the CHERRY ON TOP!!
In case YOU can't make your way over to tOA (home of the BEST wrestling
discussion on the planet - oh, except for the fine forums here at WrestleLine
*cough cough*), I'm happy to provide a glamourous QuickCam exposure. I'll
encourage the editors to crop it up and stick it in the right hand photo slot in place of whatever they had planned, but if they're not so inclined, then here's a hyperlink instead.
But I think we can best say that my sense of self-importance, if anything, is
vastly UNDERrated. Oh, AND I have to add that if you ever met me in person,
you would quickly be relieved of the notion that kicking my ass would prove
But I'm not here to put myself over! I have people who do that for me! Just not this week.
YEAR-END AWARDS: In my other life on Usenet, I run the rec.sport.pro-wrestling
Year-End Achievement Awards. If you've never heard of Usenet, you're a loser who doesn't deserve 'Net access. Sorry, but it's true. Anyway, if you'd like
to be part of the most prestigious, oldest 'Net tradition of ... whatever, stop
by rec.sport.pro-wrestling.info later this week, when I'll drop all the skinny.
COACHELLA: It was awesome - well, the parts that weren't 120 degrees and
100% humidity (damn tents). Outside it was a cool 104 - because it was a
DRY heat and it was breezy. If you ever get a chance to see Banco de Gaia
live, DO IT. I got a strong vibe that Amanda Flohr was somewhere out
there that weekend, but it may have only been a false reading as I'm not
even sure she lives on this coast anymore. Anyway, she would have really
enjoyed it. That seems the most confusing, shortest way of wrapping up
the weekend. If I get some free time (ha), I'll write up a detailed
description of who I saw, who I DIDN'T see, and the whole general "been
there, done that, bought the knockoff T-shirt for $5" spiel and put it up
on some site that handles pieces that have nothing to do with wrestling.
Hint: IT'S THE URL WHOSE DOMAIN NAME HAS MY INTIALS IN IT. If nothing
else, I think we've all learned that there can be no doubt at all that of
all the things a woman can wear there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING sexier than
the glossy sheen of her own perspiration. That, and I definitely don't
get out enough....
TONIGHT: I don't know - I missed the preview! Damn you, Walker, for your
irregularly timed commercial breaks!
Gorilla Monsoon tribute is played one more time - some people
deserve to be remembered more than once. Rest in peace.
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening credits - Closed captioned - rated TV-14-DLV - RAW IS WAR'S
A-BLOWIN' IN THE WIND
Remember those fireworks they didn't shoot off LAST Monday? Well to make
up for it there's twice as many FIREWORKS! this week - just possibly
because RAW IS WAR is on the home turf of the competition - LIVE from the
Georgia Dome in Atlanta, GA 11.10.99 for the great big Columbus Day
VINCENT K. walks out to open the show - for the sole purpose of getting a
standing O in Atlanta. And who among us can say he doesn't deserve it?
Well, that guy, probably. And maybe that guy over there. Just ignore
them. "On behalf-- on behalf of the World Wrestling Federation, I would
just like to say it feels GOOD to be with you here tonight in Atlanta!
Allow me to introduce to you now the man whom this Sunday, at No Mercy,
could very well once again become the World Wrestling Federation champion
- he is...STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!" Hey, how about that growl and finger
waggle? Vince apparently leaves while Austin poses at all four corners,
which saves me some annoying continuity checks, thank you. Triple H is
here tonight, we hear. "For the last two wee--for the last two months,
Stone Cold Steve Austin has been on the sidelines because of one
particular asshole...and that asshole's name just happens to be Triple H!"
Is the censor dead? "I got a little message for ya Triple H - tonight,
here in Atlanta, Georgia, Stone Cold Steve Austin is BACK, you dumb son of
a bitch! You know ever since I been gone, you come out here, and hell,
every week it seems like you beat up good ol' JR - all due respect to JR,
the sumbitch ain't no wrestler. Then you come out here, and you put your
little rattlesnake in a burlap sack and you beat that sumbitch up too.
Big deal, 'cause you ain't scarin' Stone Cold Steve Austin none! When I
get your ass in this very ring at No Mercy, you can rest assured that that
WWF title is coming back to Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's all I got
to say about that! But it's like I said, I am a little pissed off and I
really don't feel like waitin' 'til No Mercy so why don't you bring your
little scraggly carcass down to this ring because I got something for ya!
You can sit back there all you want, but I know your long-haired ass is
here, so bring your ass out here...punk!" The sound of a strangled goose
brings TREBLE H out, underneath the EntertainmentTron. After the
requisite spit takes and "asshole" chant from the crowd, H speaks.
"Austin - you know I hear you out here running your mouth..." pause for
the chant again. Time for Austin to tell H what the crowd's saying (again
no censor). "What I got is forty thousand people that I don't give a crap
if they live or die! This is between me and you - now you can come out
here and you can run your mouth about 'you want me tonight' - now I could
walk down to that ring and there is not a retard in this crowd out of
fourty thousand people that doesn't think I would walk into that ring and
rip your ass from one end of Atlanta to the other, but - but - seeing as
I'm in the driver's seat Jack, I'm not doing that. Because Sunday is
gonna come soon enough - Austin, you wanna tell everybody that I'm not
scaring you - I don't need to scare you anymore - 'cause I've looked in
your eyes, and I've seen it. You are scared, because YOU know - you know
deep down inside, you know without a shadow of a doubt that Sunday, at No
Mercy, YOU CAN NOT BEAT ME. The censor finally wakes up and mutes out a
long passage, which I believe involves something about an asshole and that
he's The Game. "And you know what?" H stews until the chant fires up
again. "You want an ass(muted - I'm guessing 'hole, you're gonna get one.
I've got no problem with') that - you and me right now." He puts the mic
down and removes the jacket. But instead of entering the ring, he walks
around - around - to the other side - I'm waiting for someone to jump him
from behind now but the ramp isn't in the shot. H turns around - and
knocks JIM ROSS' hat off his head, then gives him a shove after he stands
up. Ross almost knocks over JERRY LAWLER in the process. Ross throws
down his pencil, then grabs an electric fan and gives H a sledge with it.
H turns around - and Austin strikes from the apron to the floor. The
brawl is on - over the commentary table, to the barricade, to the STEEL
steps. Austin drags Triple H into the ring and calls to Ross to get in
the ring. Austin stomping a mudhole into H in the corner, then holding
him for Ross. Ross calls to the crowd, then buries a right into H's gut.
Lawler is so excited he almost calls Jim Ross "Jimmy Hart" (turning it
into "Jimmy R." instead) Austin hits a right, flooring the champ. Now
THAT SLUT CHYNA is out and there's a spear on Ross. Chyna wailing away
with rights. Austin over to pick her up by the hair, then deck HER with a
right cross. Well, I'm just offended by such BLATANT violence to women!
The horror! I hear glass which means this segment is almost over.
Helmsley disappearing while Chyna was under attack, now they're both up on
the ramp. Something's muted, something else is muted, and Triple H
challenges Austin and Ross to a tag match against himself and Chyna.
Austin asks the crowd for a "Hell Yeah," then says that's all he
got to say about that. Damn, he forgot to tell us that was the bottom
line and all that! Ross looks uneasy. Lawler asks him if he's lost his
We look backstage to a pen of bulldogs - and bulldog manure. This'll
surely lead to an exciting quarter hour down the road!
Triple H vs. Steve Austin is the subject of this PPV promo - and that PPV,
WWF No Mercy, is presented by Eidos Interactive's Soul Reaver and takes
Mankind will appear on GvsE following the show! Just in case you missed
it last night.
Speaking of ol' Mick, he's anxiously pacing up and down waiting for the
Rock. Hey, there's that tie again!
Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! last Thursday where Mankind failed to
help the Rock by mistiming a chair shot in his match against Val Venis.
KING ASS (with Road Dogg and the same ol' Outlaw spiel) v. CRASH HOLLY
(with Hardcore & Scale Holly) - Attendance is announced as 35,721, which
is a pretty damn big number, ah reckon. Mike will tell us later this week
how many of them actually paid. "You see, I say whatever I want - you say
'Why?' - I say "'Coz" - right now I'm sending our prayers out to our
homeboy Droz." How long you think it take him to come out with THAT
rhyme? Censor is too late to mute "dizzope," so gimme a farkin' break.
Gunn is rooting for the Atlanta Braves, apparently. Crash hands the scale
to Hardcore, then rushes the ring - just before we would FINALLY get to
hear his weight announced on RAW. Oh well. Of course, the first attack
REALLY goes to Ass with the stomping and the stomping. Head run into the
buckle. Right, right, right, right, whip into the opposite corner - press
- and overhead slam. Vertical suplex - well, actually it's more of a
jackhammer (or as Ross calls it, jackknife) for 1, 2, - Gunn up as
Hardcore is up on the apron - but Dogg takes care of HIM. Back in the
ring, there's the Fame'Asser. Looks like Crash was just made Fame-ass
with this DAMN short match. (:49) Hardcore is in wielding the scale and
both men are taken down - referee "Blind" Mike Chioda narrowly escaping as
well. Clothesline with the metal on Dogg. They're left laying.
MICHAEL KING COLE is backstage with Mankind. First we take care of the
GvsE encore presentation, then we get to the meat. "I'm here to say that
we all make mistakes, and I realise that by bashing the Rock with a STEEL
chair maybe I made a little mistake...or maybe I didn't. Maybe
subconsciously I've picked up on Rock's snide little remarks and maybe
there was a part of me that wanted to wrap a metal chair around his skull.
You see, one of us is not being a team player and there sure as hell is no
'i' in 'team,' there's no 'i' in 'r-o-c-k', and there's no 'i' in
's-o-c-k.' So what I'm telling you, what I'm telling the Rock, and what
I'm telling his millions and millions of little fans is before I can
commit to making some very lucrative Rock & Sock Connection endorsement
deals, I need a commitment from the Rock. So tonight in the Georgia Dome,
I'm ready to say that it's put up or shut up time, and Rock it's up to you
because I truly do not give a damn - I could go either way."
And now, the WWF Boot of the Week - brought to you by LUGZ! It's Chyna's
boot into Jarrett's back - causing him to flip into the ring of mud. From
last week's SmackDown!
Another look at the bulldogs - and their by-products
No Mercy, you may have heard, comes to you with the kind sponsorship of
Eidos Interactive, who produce "Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver!"
IVORY (with That Damn Scarf) v. MAE YOUNG in a nontitle match - "Ladies
and gentlemen, in a few seconds, I am going to beat the Metamucil out of
that old sea hag Mae Young - and this match will serve as a demonstration
to the Fabulous(ly Old) Moolah at No Mercy this Sunday! Now
listen, I will not hold back. I don't care if it makes you feel
uncomfortable watching me clobber a bunch of old ladies - you don't know
what they've been putting me through! Every waking moment, I have to live
in anxiety and stress - I don't know what corner they're hiding behind -
ready to rip my clothes off my back, or pull my hair out in clumps! I
wake up from my sleep in nightmares, seeing their old wrinkled faces and
their hunched backs! I don't care - justice will be served at No Mercy!
So Mae Young, you strap on your Depends, 'cause you're gonna need 'em when
I knock every bit of your regularity outta you tonight!" Wow, Ivory gets
me kinda hot. Young confidently powerwalks to the ring in robe and crown.
She fails to remove the crown and while referee "Blind" Chad Patten
(thanks, Kevin Kelly) keeps them separated while the crown can be removed
- Ivory CLOCKS her in the back with the title. (DQ 0:00) Before we can
get further along with this, FABULOUS MOOLAH *is* out - Ivory manages a
second belt shot, then holds the belt behind her back a REALLY long time
while Moolah gets in the ring - and fails to stop her, going for the hair
instead (which, I guess, works just as well) There's some hairpull
takeovers. Right hand. Ivory crawling to the corner - Moolah mounting
her and yanking on the hair. Yee-haw! Ivory slides out of the ring -
grabbing her precious scarf but leaving the title. Moolah poses with it -
then figures out Young is still out cold on the mat, so she goes to tend
Backstage, Mankind paces anxiously some more. It's kind like - WALKING!
Jim Ross claims to get the Rock on the phone - only Rock starts talking
before the "ringing phone" noise is faded down - oops. Anyway, the Rock's
in his limo and he'll be there soon.
Here's an exterior of the Georgia Dome.
TERRY TAYLOR is backstage with BRITISH BULLDOG. After Lawler is done
talking over the beginning of the interview, we learn that Bulldog is NOT
responsible for the "mutts" backstage, and if it's someone's idea of a
joke, it's gonna backfire. On Sunday, he's going to destroy the Rock and
get one step closer to the WWF title.
Let Us Take You Back 9 Days to WWF Rebellion in the UK, where Bulldog
tossed a metal dustbin right across the noggin of Stephanie,
causing...snicker...amnesia. I'll bet what REALLY happened was her EVIL
TWIN took over!
MICHAEL HAYES provides an "Earlier Today" interview with SKIPPY &
STEPHANIE. She's got post-concussion syndrome - physically she's a lot
better except for the headaches, but mentally, she has problems with
short-term memory. "I have to write every single thing I do down - I
don't even remember what I did last night! And I understand that tonight
was supposed to be my wedding night. You know, of course I want to get
married someday - and Andrew's so sweet and so nice, and I just can't
remember any of the feelings that I have for him - I can't remember him at
all..." She ends up breaking down, while Shane plays the understand,
comforting big brother. Where's Test all this time? Anyway, seems a
little sad that they went to all this trouble to set up a special site for it...
Mankind paces some more - then gets attacked by Val Venis, British
Bulldog, and a plastic trashcan top. The truckload of referees and
officials deigns to separate them, with varying degrees of luck...
Yo, the limo's arrived - finally the Rock has come to Atlanta - whoops,
it's Mark Henry and a woman - is that his therapist? I can't remember...
EDGE & CHRISTIAN (2) v. BROOD (1) (with a burning ring o' far) in Match 4
of the Terri Invitational, in a "non tag team match" - or at least that's
what Lilian Garcia called it. Backstage, we see Terri checking out
the action. I'm too busy to stare at her protruding nipples to notice her
licking her lips...the (no longer New) Brood rush the ring and it's on.
Edge & Christian seem to really enjoy the "one guy on all fours and the
other guy springs off his back" moves these days. Commentators are pretty
busy talking about Ross' involvement in the main event tonight. Jeff gets
the first near fall following a springboard split-legged moonsault from
outside on the apron. Matt tries a cover on Christian as well, but also
only gets 2. There's a hot shot, now choking him on the second rope.
Jeff with a kneedrop on the back of the neck from the apron to the floor.
"Did you see me?" Ummm, yes? There's a slam. Matt with the top-rope
guillotine and it misses - Jeff tries one as well but Christian rolls out
of the way again. Tag to Edge! Knockdown! Knockdown! Knockdown!
Knockdown! Dropkick! A charge to Matt fails - cover, feet on the ropes,
but Edge manages to kick out at 2. Double spear (ugh) by Edge to turn the
tide. Matt puts a foot on the bottom rope. Edge ready for the Downward
Spiral, but Jeff breaks it up - Christian come to and it's broken down
again. Jeff takes him out while Edge DOES hit the Downward Spiral on
Matt. Cover - 1, 2, Jeff off the top rope with the senton bomb -
Christian manages a save at 2. Again all four men in - Christian with the
Tomikaze on Jeff - but Matt breaks it. Matt takes Edge from the apron to
the floor. Top rope moonsault from Matt (DAMN!) onto Edge. Christian
springs off the second rope to the floor, landing on Matt. Jeff from the
top turnbuckle onto Christian AND Matt! Remember when JR called planchas
"planchas?" Edge with his tope con hilo to complete the lucha trainwreck
portion of the match. All four men outside. Referee "Blind" Tim White
gives up and calls for the bell (DDQ 4:43) - does this mean Edge &
Christian have clinched a tie?
X-Pac has a DeForest Kelly moment: "Ahhhh - dammit Kane! Man you're hard
headed. You didn't listen to me last time, but TONIGHT you're gonna
listen to me. No matter what happens in my match man, you've got to stay
out of there. You can not come down to the ring - no matter what. DAMN
you gotta let me do this by myself..."
Hey! Another limo! THERE'S your Rock! He's WALKING!
During this ad break, why not visit therock.com?
KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY is backstage with LA ROCA, who apparently wipes his
ass with how Mankind feels about the Rock & Sock Connection. Those of you
who expect Rock transcripts from me should know better by now. I get a
laugh out of Kelly gazing outward as the crowd chants the Rock's name.
Rock says he's brought some Georgia Bulldogs here tonight. Rock reprises
his "parody" bit of Flair's, Savage's, and Hogan's taglines before hitting
his own. Right afterward, Mankind asks for his answer. Rock suggests
taking a variety of objects, rolling 'em up, turning 'em sideways,
and....but VINCENT K. appears and announces that this team can't break up
for another 24 hours because tonight they'll take on Venis & Bulldog.
Rock says tonight instead of winning one for the Micker, he'll win it for
X-PAC (with a can of Hansen's Energy Drink) v. ACOLYTE FAAROOQ
(with Acolyte Bradshaw) - Ross encourages all of us to hit wwf.com to read a Special Note from Darren
Drozdov and family. He's doing much better now - thank goodness. X-Pac
ducks a lariat, and punches away. There's the trademark Triple Kick.
Into the corner, but Faarooq comes out with a lariat. Stomping away, into
the corner, and X-Pac collapses. Stomp, into the corner, coming out with
the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Faarooq throws him out to Bradshaw while
Kane watches backstage on a monitor. Back to the STEEL ringpost. Referee
"Blind" Jim Korderas talking about his healed forearm with Faarooq while
this is going on. Dumped back into the ring, off the ropes, powerslam for
2. X-Pac ALWAYS does that thing with shaking his hands when he kicks out.
Bearhug in full effect. Kane still watching. Commentators talking about
Ross wrestling later tonight. Arm fails to fall enough times - X-Pac
claps the bell to get out but runs into a spinebuster off the ropes.
Kane's watching, okay, gotcha. Off the ropes, X-Pac hits his flippy
lariat. Both men up after a fashion - X-Pac with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine" twice, there's a spinning heel kick.
Lawler says Kane's a "sissy" for the sole reason that it's a verboten word
over at WCW. Whip into the corner is reversed, but the charge misses -
X-Pac beats him down and administers the broncobuster. Bradshaw on the
apron, X-Pac distracted, Faarooq from behind. The Dominator attempt is
shaken off, X-Pac hits another kick, Faarooq backs up into his partner,
runs into the X Factor and there's your winner. (3:24) Bradshaw is
quickly back in and the doubleteam is on. THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE
IT'S KANE appears - well, at the top of the ramp. He watches while the
Acolytes double powerbomb X-Pac and taunt him. Kane pacing, the crowd
shouting for Kane to do it. X-Pac set up for the superplex - but Kane
rushes the ring, knocks out Faarooq and chokeslams Bradshaw. Kane tends
to X-Pac who SHOVES HIM AWAY. Ingrate. Just like the first time, Kane
waited for the match to be over, but X-Pac can never be happy unless he
totally gets his ass kicked, I guess...
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Tonight where Triple H and Jim Ross had a
confrontation at ringside - Austin, of course, making sure Ross doesn't
get attacked. 'cause we all know that Steve Williams was ROSS' BOY.
Ross leaves the commentary position to get ready for his big match.
Lawler: "Dead man walkin' - dead man walkin'!"
The WWF returns LIVE to the Shark Tank Friday 26 November! Tix on sale
The United States Coast Guard presents the Rescue of the Week! From last
night's Heat, Glenn Ruth supplied the rescue with the timely intervention
of a GTV clip preventing another night in the pokey for former partner
Oh boy! It's "Mark Henry's 2nd Sex Therapy Session!" I guess that WAS
his therapist. She cross and uncrosses her legs a bit, and says that
tonight Henry's going to undergo "drastic overstimulation." in the hopes
help him wtih his problems.
MICHAEL KING COLE is out to make it a pair of kings at the commentary
area. Cole suggests it's a different therapist, so I'll believe him.
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO & CURTIS HUGHES (with TV-14-DLV logo) v. HEAD BANGERS
- Looks like we have an admission that they never should have bothered
taking these guys apart - Chaz & Glen are gone and Mosh & Thrasher are
back. Each guy has a lock of blonde hair in the center of the tops of
their head by way of mocking Jericho. Jericho and Mosh start. Jericho on
him - Mosh powers out, but Jericho knocks him down. Off the ropes,
leapfrog, Mosh dumps him on the top rope. Punches in the corner, whip out
is reversed, Jericho with knife-edge chops and an X-Pac like jumping back
kick. Mosh takes Jericho to the corner, and he flips and ends up tied in
the tree of woe. Mosh with a butt splash on him and tag to Thrasher.
Mosh has him held up against the rope, Thrasher with the leapfrog over his
partner onto Jericho (sorta). Off the ropes, Jericho slides through -
gutshot - double underhook into a backbreaker. Jericho steps on the face,
and tags Hughes. Running lariat. Cole says Ross is not a "sports
entertainer." BLEAH. What is he, then? Side headlock, blind tag, off
the ropes, flying clothesline off the top from Mosh. Quick tag -
doubleteam kicks. Thrasher takes Hughes off the rope, Hughes ducks,
there's a double clothesline. Hughes up, tag to Jericho, hot tag to Mosh
- whip is reversed, Mosh tries - a rana? Anyway, Jericho holds on and
turns it into the Walls of Jericho! Thrasher from behind to break it up -
off the ropes with a double flapjack for 2. 1, 2, Hughes in - and hits
his own man! Jericho shoves Hughes "You son of a bitch!" Hughes shoves
back - Jericho KO's him with a right cross and takes off. Mosh with the
gutshot, awkward powerbomb while Thrasher completely misses the top-rope
guillotine - oh well. It's still a (sorta) Stage Dive and it's a pinfall
victory for the reunited (and it feels so good) Bangers. (3:24) Jericho
doesn't look back. This is the second time in two nights for Hughes to be
Backstage, D'LO BROWN catches up with WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW. Show says
something about "cancer...terminal...my father's gonna die - it's just a
matter of time." Brown says if there's anything he can do, to let him
know. Then he keeps calling him "dog."
It's October and I'm ALREDY tired of that army man saying "nutcracker." I
hope they don't run that ad through Christmas.
Mankind's GvsE promo again.
Backstage, Rock hands a pooper scooper, shovel, and tray to Mankind and
barks some orders.
GODFATHER (with a damn lot of ho's) v. SEXUAL CHOCOLATE MIZARK HENRY in a
ho-jack match - Godfather is just a fun loving guy who loves to have fun -
and he smokes a lot of weed, too. Backstage, Terry Taylor is with Henry's
therapist, who is named - get ready - DR. ANDREA EARLY. Supposedly, this
is the just what the doctor orders for Henry. This is the kinda of
lumberjack match that'll keep people entertained...apparently. I think
there were some wrestling manoeuvres in here somewhere but actually I
didn't see any except for the Ho Train and schoolboy for the pin (1:26).
We cut backstage a few times to see that Dr. Early is unhappy with the
results. Apparently the women are supposed to be all over Henry, except
they're not. Oh well.
Kevin Kelly is backstage with Triple H & Chyna. Austin should be worried
- all the time - as far as Triple H is concerned. Triple H promises to
Jim Ross that it'll be a good ol' slobberknocker - a nice little piece of
business - coming right up.
BIG BOSSMAN v. WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW - so did Undertaker whisper
in the Show's ear that his father had terminal cancer? Wait, is the Show
still a heel? Bossman's a heel, right. So that makes Show...well, let's
listen in. "Listen up, Big Show. I don't give a damn about any problems
you may have, because you've got a bigger problem in the form of the Big
Bossman standing right here, so get your fat ass down here and deal with
me!" Big Show is....distracted...coming to the ring - but still manages a
thrust kick as Bossman tries to rush him on the outside. Well it's a big
elbow to the back of the neck. Off the ropes, duck, well it's a big
flying jalapeno. Into the corner, well it's a big kick, another, another,
manhandled to the apron out of the corner. Bossman crawls over to the
nightstick, hmm, didn't I see this last Thursday? (DQ :35) Nightstick!
Nightstick! Golota with the nightstick! AL SNOW is out to wail away on
the Bossman. Big back body drop. Snow laces up the arms and headbutts
away. Standing dropkick. This was almost longer than that match but
Bossman's got the nightstick again. Stick, stick, stick, FINALLY referee
"Blind" Teddy Long brandishes the suddenly almighty WWF referee's patch
and Bossman walks off.
Mankind is done shoveling shit...well, in a literal sense at least
Ross and Austin - discuss strategy?
Mankind GvsE promo ... again
RAW is WAR is brought to you by Hansen's Energy Drink, Burger King, and
TREBLE H & THAT SLUT CHYNA v. GOOD OL' JR & STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN - Ross
comes out to the Oklahoma State fight song and with his wrists taped -
also, he comes out alone, because he's an idiot. H promptly leaves the
ring and decks him. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, I hear
glass - Austin runs down the ramp and meets Helmsley halfway while Chyna
continues the beating Helmsley started. Austin and H brawling on the ramp
- dueling suplex attempts finally work for Austin. Cole: "Those STEEL
stage - right into the back of Triple H" - yeah, you gotta watch those
STAGE. Umm....well...anyway, brawling on the outside come more. Hey,
kinda weird this wasn't the main event, huh? Guess we know where the Rock
and Austin land on the card. Anyway, Chyna just choking Ross 'cause the
camera isn't really on them too much. Austin and H into the ring, out of
the ring, over the barricade, and off we go. Quick look in the ring, and
Chyna is kicking a defenseless Ross. Austin and H have made their way to
... somewhere outside. H hits a barricade, then a wall. Now
they're brawling through some doors - referee "Blind" Jim Korderas follows
as we go back into the ring, where Chyna is pretty much destroying Ross -
as she should, I suppose. Referee "Blind" Teddy Long has joined the
festivities at ringside. Chyna standing on the neck. Axehandle blow to
the back, another, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, Chyna's calling spots?
Setting up for the Pedigree - yup. Lawler evokes a memory of "A Christmas
Story." JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET is out with a toaster to waffle Chyna
and prevent her from putting Ross in a figure four. MIDOUBLES KIDOUBLETY
is out with a laundry hamper - Jarrett with a fireman's carry and he dumps
her in the bin - then he and Kitty push her up the ramp and backstage.
Just in time, Austin and H re-emerge from behind those doors and back into
the crowd - now to a Tostitos Nachos stand - popcorn everywhere. Now to
the Icehouse beer stand. "Icehouse! Icehouse!" (Slogan: "Out here, all
we know is beer - and to make fun of the short, dumpy bald guy") Austin
opening beers, and alternately drinking and smashing them on H. Austin
tells H he's got somebody he wants him to meet. Apparently he said he had
a friend he wanted him to meet, because Lawler and Cole parrot it for our
benefit. No idea what the outcome of this contest was...or if it even
started...? Anyway, it took (over 8:00) when it was all said and done
Cut backstage to Jarrett who shoves the hamper off a ... loading dock?
For some reason, that doesn't look terribly lethal - guess they could have
done a better camera angle to, you know, not show me the floor off the
Poor Keshia - from "the cutest Cosby kid" to "no-name bit part on
anti-smoking commercial" in only a few short years...but at least she
"knows what's goin' on!"
Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago Where Jarrett shoved the laundry cart,
where it plummetted a good - hmmm - FOUR feet.
Somehow, Chyna apparently landed in such a way to bring about a great deal
of fake blood in the head and neck area. EMTs are quick to bring out the
BRITISH BULLDOG & BALD VENIS (with closing credits) v. ROCK & SOCK
CONNECTION (with a tray containing a steaming pile of ... are you SURE
Russo isn't still churning out this stuff?) - that "doo-doo" looks a lot
like hot dogs. "Mmmm...beefy" sign reminds me that I failed to write down
the earlier "Today is actually Tuesday" sign that appeals to me because
it's SUCH a mind trip to try to get away with that to the more gullible
amongst us. Pier Four Brawl to start -Mankind on Bulldog and Rock on
Venis. Heels are cleared from the ring and Rock shoves Mankind away when
he tries to embrace him. Venis pulls Mankind out of the ring - Venis
punching away - Mankind closer and closer to the tray - Mankind
clothesline Venis to stop that tease. Venis thrown back in the ring -
Rock and Bulldog in their corners so I guess it's a real tag match now.
Quick tag and Bulldog continues the attack. Another quick tag, more
kicking and punching. Whip is reversed, Mankind off the ropes with a
bulldog for 2. Rock fails to put the knee out but Mankind tries to drive
Venis into it anyway. Tag to the Rock. Right, right, right, right, head
to the buckle, whip into the opposite corner is reversed, Venis follows
with a lariat. Venis does his Rock impersonation offense-wise with
a right, right, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, kick, kick,
stand on the neck. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner pulls him off. Rock comes
right back with a clothesline. Gutshot, DDT, cover, Bulldog saves. Rock
taking Venis to Mankind's boot, then tagging him. Mankind with rights -
Venis pushes him to his corner, then fails to tag his partner (oops) -
Mankind with a kick and a running kneelift off the ropes. Tag to the
Rock. Rock with a couple of rights - whip is reversed, back elbow from
Venis, cover, 1. Tag to Bulldog who is on him, until Rock turns it around
for no apparent reason. Whip into the corner is reversed, but Rock
catches him for the uranage - until Venis comes in. Mankind tries to help
out Rock but Hebner throws him out while the doubleteam goes on behind his
back. Venis with the fisherman suplex on Rock - 1, 2, no. That move
never works! Rock with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine", some more
punches - whip is reversed, that reversal is reversed, and Rock hits a
Samoan Drop. Both men are down. Mankind waving his "Rock & Sock" jacket
to incite the crowd. Both men make the tag. Mankind is all over Bulldog
- Venis from behind, Mankind's trick knee acts up. Double noggin knocker
- DDT on Venis - Rock in and Bulldog taken over the top rope. Mankind
motions for the sock - but goes Val's trunks to produce Mr. Rocko - but
Bulldog is back in from behind. Now all four men are outside - Mankind's
head hits the STEEL steps, while Venis grabs a STEEL chair to use on the
Rock. Doubleteam on the Rock - but Mankind comes to and goes for his
*own* Mr. Socko - Venis spies Mankind and takes off - the chase is on - up
the ramp and outta there. Rock, meanwhile, reverses a whip and Bulldog
goes hard into the STEEL steps. Rock grabs the tray and slides it into
the ring. Hebner holding his nose to let us know that's poop on the tray.
Let's let Cole call it from here. "Rock's got that tray of dog poop into
the ring - what's he gonna do now? No, he, he, he-no. Bulldog now is up
- oh no - Rock Bottom - Rock - NO! not - not in the dog poop - ROCK
BOTTOM! Into the dog - into the dog poop! The dog poop! The dog poop!
A Rock Bottom in - into the dog poop!" Rock removes the elbowpad - it's
time - but Bulldog rolls over onto his stomach. His back is ...dirty.
Rock doubleclutches and decides not to soil his elbow. Rock's music plays
and he walks off. I hope Hebner counts him out of the ring and awards the
match to the Bulldog! Here's a replay of the Rock Bottom. I think Bret
Hart just got something to talk about in his Calgary Sun column Friday...
Backstage, Austin is WALKING! Oh, look, Austin closes the show - Triple H
with the sneak attack - they brawl - Austin getting the upper hand - head
to the door. Austin throws Helmsley into the coaches' locker room - where
there's a rattlesnake (behind a pane of glass - oops) - Austin turns out
the lights on a screaming Triple H - and we're out.
Hey, I watched this here GvsE, it wasn't bad. Probably won't watch it
again, but hey.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman