by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
I GET LETTERS: Every week you have to talk shit about the Rock.Your
obviously just pissed that a black athlete has become one of the biggest
superstars the WWF has ever seen. It just eats you up inside, doesn't it.
I'm sure if you had it your way, every black wrestler would be nothing
more than a stereotyped mid-carder like the Godfather. Your a f*cking
I had to write this guy back to ask if he was serious, or just trying to
get put at the top of the column. Also, I asked him how I could like
Booker T., wish he were WCW World Champion and yet still be such a racist.
He wrote back: Hey David Dukes I didn't write that letter so I could
make the top of your sorry report, I wrote it because it's the truth. It
seemed to have struck a nerve with you, which leads me to believe that you
KNOW your a racist.
Oh yeah and of course you have no problem with Booker T. You realize that
he'll never be anything more than a mid-carder in Ted Turners World
Confederate Wrestling, so you don't feel threatend by him.
So congratulations, Name Withheld, you made the cut!
QUICK QUOTE: WWFE 20 15/16 (-2 7/8)
AWARDS: Your last chance to vote in the rec.sport.pro-wrestling Year-End
Awards is THIS WEEK! Get over to rec.sport.pro-wrestling.info and get the
A LITTLE BIT MORE
FAMOUS: I got quoted in a Philadelphia Inquirer
story about the popularity of Mankind's book - at least I *think* I did -
the way they positioned the commas, that could very well be a quote Mick
Foley made about ME. Check it out for yourself at http://www.phillynews.com/inquirer/99/Nov/28/books/UNDER28.htm. I don't
subscribe to the Inquirer myself, but I was wondering if maybe you did?
Did you keep your Sunday paper? I just wanted to show my parents I'm not
wasting my life! I swear! Some guy named Steve Anderson got quoted, too
- I wonder who HE is.
TONIGHT: The first ever WWF event from the brand-new Staples Center in
Lost Angels! EVERYONE anticipates THE Capital-W Wedding! USA Today had
the ad - tonight - RAW is LUV! Tonight: Will RAW come back or concede to
the mildly resurgent Nitro? Stick around, won't you?
One World TV-14-DLV Leader Attitude - WWF!
Opening Credits - right away? Closed captioned logo - Austin still there,
okay...come to think of it, SHAMROCK'S still there - anybody heard
anything about THAT guy lately?
WE ARE LIVE from the Staples Arena in Los Angeles, CA 29.11.99 - the
fireworks may not make noise but they're there, baby! USA, TSN, all the
bases are covered - because tonight - RAW IS LUUUUUUV
WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW & THROUGH HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE (with
Tori) v. BIG BOSSMAN & VISCERA - and we're right into a MATCH? What show
IS this? I'll note that ring announcer LILIAN GARCIA is dressed in formal
gown for the wedding. When was the last time the champion and standard
bearer lead off the show in a match? Show's right elbow is wrapped, I
must also note. Show now leads the crowd in the ahhhhhhtheCHOKESLAAAAAM
motion with a 1, 2, 3 so now you and I can play along! Yeah! Say, didn't
the Big Show and the Undertaker...but now he's with Kane...well, maybe you
can explain that to me later. Tonight, Jericho and Chyna FINALLY meet!
Viscera chews gum! I may make a smartass remark or two! ALL RIGHT HERE
ON THE GREATEST SITE IN THE WORLD...WHATEVER SITE YOU'RE READING THIS ON
RIGHT NOW! Show wants Bossman, but instead of tying up, he slides
outside. Kane meets him there, however, hits some uppercuts and rolls him
in. Hard into the corner, kicking away. Hard into the opposite corner,
let lthe loogie fly. Off the ropes, big boot, tag to Viscera.
Apparently, Show didn't know as Viscera puts on a clubbin' from behind.
But Show comes back with a reversal of the whip and a superkick. Tag to
Kane - top rope - flying clothesline! Show is outside but Bossman's got
the stick. X-PAC is in with a chair to the back of Kane, then an X Factor
onto the chair. Meanwhile, referee "Blind" Mike Chioda is occupied on the
outside with Bossman and Show, and now also PRINCE ALBERT, who came out
for fun. Meanwhile, in the ring Viscera hits a fat ass splash on Kane and
covers - Chioda in - 1, 2, 3. (1:35) Viscera walks off while Big Show
chases off Bossman and Albert following a headbutt to both men. X-Pac in
to taunt Kane - now Tori is in to give X-Pac what for as he continues to
taunt - hey, he spit in her face! Spinning heel kick? Yowza! This time
it's intentional! Kane pops up and X-pac takes off. That was so vile, we
need a replay. But I'm not gonna watch it this time, 'cause I don't
approve of such SHOCKING violence to women.
Here's a Special Video Look at Test & Stephanie's Romance - which has
lasted all of...what, just under six months? Now THAT'S a shotgun
wedding! Would someone PLEASE tell me what the HECK "but fate interceded
on love's behalf" is supposed to mean? Tonight will be a night we will
all remember ... but WHY?
Your hosts are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER, both
resplendent, decked out in their formal duds.
Are you ready? D-GENERATION X are out for an "unscheduled" appearance.
This just in - the Packers may suck this year but the 49ers are STILL our
bitch as far as the NFL is concerned. Strangely enough, some other music
fades in and out after the DX theme disappears. Triple H says the
warnings were given, but Vince McMahon crossed the line by making it ...
personal. It's all *his* fault, everything that happened afterwards.
Triple H reminds us that there's still a TOP out on V.K., ensuring he
can't come within fifty feet of DX lest he desire another trip to the
pokey. Triple H calls our attention to the EntertainmentTron, where we
are taken back to last week, where McMahon ran his car into the DX limo,
then played the game with a baseball bat and all those windows. The crowd
cheers all this, despite Triple H's consternation. "We could have been
seriously hurt! [cheer] But - much to everybody's delight we were not hurt
[boos] - but Vince McMahon WILL be hurt at Armageddon." H promises that
at Armageddon, Vince will be beaten within an inch of his "miserable,
billionaire" life, and it's all legal, 'cause it's in the contract. We
take a pause for the "asshole" chant. "At Armageddon, there will be no
retribution from you on me - I will do what I want to you and that will be
it. And one last thing, for everybody here that has come to see the
glorious wedding...and for all of you people around the world that have
tuned in to see that very wedding, I have bad news for you, I hate to
disappoint, but there will be NO WEDDING here tonight. I repeat, there
will be NO - WEDDING - HERE - TONIGHT." As you might guess, that
would cue "No Chance in Hell" and BILLIONAIRE VINCE. "What a bunch of
tough guys - DX - you need protection from me just because I used my
rent-a-car as a bulldozer? You need protection from me? You damned right
you do. Because there's nothing I wouldn't do to protect my family. As
far as you and me at Armageddon is concerned Triple H - your little
temporary order of protection isn't gonna be any good there, is it - it's
just you and me. Now, I'm not saying that you're not gonna have any of
mine on your hands, but I promise you this - at Armageddon, I will have
some of your blood on my hands. Because after Armageddon, you call
yourself the Game? After Armageddon, it's simply gonna be Game Over.
Just to make sure you degenerates keep busy tonight, I'm gonna give my
son-in-law-to-be Test a wedding present. He could have had anything he
wanted...you know what he wants, Triple H? *In that very ring tonight*,
it's gonna be Triple H one-on-one with Test. And to keep you other
degenerates busy - X-Pac and the Outlaws - there will be a special six-man
tag team match *in that very ring tonight* - and your opponents will be
Mankind and the RRRRRRRROCK! and a partner of their choosing. Now then,
one other thing. The most important thing. You make reference to
interfering in my daughter Stephanie's wedding night? No. You're not
gonna be involved - unless you're a McMahon family member or you've been
invited to this wedding, you're not gonna be involved - no one will be
involved, and if they are, and if they are indeed under contract to the
World Wrestling Federation - if any of you interfere in any way, I promise
you I will fire your ass here tonight in Los Angeles." Hit the music, off
he walks... Triple H breaks into a grin...and he laughs...
Backstage, Al Snow tells Head he'll be the mystery partner, and he'll be
the best partner ever - whether the Rock likes it or not. Then he mocks
Tonight, RAW is WAR is brought to you by THQ's WrestleMania 2000, the
JVCkaboom!Box, and Radio Shack!
MATT HARDY (with Jeff Hardy & Terri Nolastnametonight) v. EDGE (with
Christian - I think I know him! Or - wait...him!) - Just for fun, let's
take a look back at that damn ladder match that may have been great, but
STILL has no business being rammed down our throats almost two months
later... Handshake to start, lockup, side healock, chain to the hammerlock
by Edge, to the side headlock again, Hardy reverses, off the ropes,
gutshot, attempted swinging neckbreaker, countered, off the ropes,
flapjack by Edge. Into the corner, Hardy puts up an elbow. Second rope
swinging DDT for Hardy - legdrop out of the corner for 2. Into the rear
chinlock. Edge backs him hard into the corner - Hardy up on the second
rope, but Edge counters with an "inverted atomic drop - in theory" - good
ol' Ross. Clothesline takes him down. Off the ropes, reversed, slides
under - Edge hits a belly-to-back with a bridge for 2. Into the corner,
up and over he's dumped - Edge climbs, Matt punches - both men meet on the
top rope - who will get the move? It's Hardy with a SUPERPLEX! 1, 2, no.
MechWarrior 3 provides a double feature. Hardy climbing again - Edge pops
up and Hardy's crotched on top - Edge springs off with a dropkick that
takes Hardy to the floor, wiping out a cameraman in the process.
Christian throws him back in. Edge runs at Hardy who dumps HIM over the
top rope to the floor. Jeff is over to throw HIM back in. Hardy with a
pescado onto Christian. Edge with a somersault into a Thesz press on
Jeff. Now all four men in the ring and referee "Blind" Chad Patten is
trying to restore some order - good luck. Jeff is cleared out - Christian
pushes Matt into the spear from Edge. 1, 2, 3! Oops, I was watching the
Double Feature. Couldn't they have timed that better for my convenience?
No? Oh. (3:07) Here's a replay of the spear. Give Ross credit for not
even APPROACHING the word "scintillating."
Let Us Take You To the Bachelorette Party from Las Vegas - where
everybody's drinking - well, looks like Mae & Moolah have Kool-Aid - thank
God for that - there was a point to this segment but it escaped me - must
be because I'm a MAN
Tomorrow: WWF Greatest Hits! UPN Tuesday 8/7!
WrestleMania 2000 ad is all about the Rock. That's a little curious, wot?
I mean, even the video shots don't have Austin in them! Hell, that Santa
Claus is a DEAD RINGER for Dr. Death Steve Williams! But Austin? Nope.
Methinks THQ didn't pay the Austin tax so they didn't get him.
Here's a shot of the Exterior of the Staples Center.
THAT SLUT CHYNA comes down to ringside alone. Tonight she takes on
Jericho. "You know, Chris Jericho, you wouldn't believe how much better
my thumb feels after I whacked you on the head with that hammer. And I'll
bet you're wondering why I didn't press charges against you, and the
reason for that is, Chris Jericho - I wanna punish you myself and make you
suffer, go down to your knees and cry in front of me like a whiny baby."
Is she getting booed? "So if you got the cajones, come out here right
now, meet me one on one because I really think I could beat you with one
hand anyways." I wonder if it's really gonna be him when the Y2J
countdown ends. Hey, yeah it is! I was thinking Kitty dressed up like
Jericho. So is this match on? Hey, you know it was at the Great Western
Forum when CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO won the WCW Cruiserweight title from Syxx
in a surprise switch? Maybe there's something about the area... "Welcome
to RAW is -- now let me get this straight, you jacked-up mutant. You want
to challenge me to a title match tonight - tonight. Well, there's nothing
more that I would do than love to come to that ring and beat your flabby,
Jell-o ass..but unfortunately I can't do that. And let me show you what
happened, why I can't, roll the clip from SmackDown! I want everyone to
see what happened. Roll the clip...now look what happened, I'm
challenging you to a fair fight, like a true hero. I walk over to you and
you hit me in the head with the hammer TWO TIMES - twice - there it is
again, right there. You cost me the WWF title - and you gave me a very
severe and serious concussion. I had a HORRIBLE Thanksgiving - I couldn't
eat, I was vomiting all over the place, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't
think, I couldn't even play with my children - and for what, Chyna? Was
it really worth it? All I did was give you a love tap - break your
fingernail - and you try and smash my skull with a sledgehammer? How dare
you! How dare you! I can't face you tonight, but after some intense
physical therapy, at Armageddon I am gonna give all these Jerichoholics
what they want - and that is the end of your ridiculous embarrassment of a
career!" Chyna suggests Jericho chill out, and if he won't perhaps MISS
KITTY can help him - she's snuck behind him, you see, with a fire
extinguisher - WHOOSH. I don't know, I think that with any luck, the
brain trust over at Entertainment Towers is going to slowly do the double
turn here so that by Armageddon it'll be OKAY for us to cheer Jericho and
boo Chyna - and with any lucky, Jericho'll take the title as well. And if
that's not the case YET, well, maybe Rick can hit us again with that rant
about how the WWF usually can't help but listen to the fans and
stuff...you know the one I'm talking about.
Here's another look at - ugh - the bachelorette party
Hey! Steve Austin and Ivory are on the cover of Entertainment Weekly! But
I *still* fell asleep during "The Strip!"
GODFATHER (with a dozen - no, a half dozen ho's) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with
Riggs & Murtaugh) - you know, this is Los Angeles - I KNOW there are about
a HUNDRED THOUSAND less skanky blondes that they could have found and put
on television. If you haven't heard, Godfather's just a fun loving guy
who loves to have fun...and smoke the dope. Hey, remember that time
Godfather offered Blackman the ho's and he took them? And he smiled - oh,
poor Blackman. He's just misunderstood these days. I blame the lack of
that killer music he used to have. Did they say Blackman had a match at
Armageddon? Kick ass! Blackman attacks before the bell...kick, chop,
whip into the ropes is reversed, Godfather ducks a jumping spin kick, but
not two more kicks and a dropkick. Chop, off the ropes, head down,
gutshot, into the ropes, big boot from the Godfather, clothesline,
clothesline, scoop...and a slam. Off the ropes, goofy spin legdrop for 2.
Into the corner, reversal, gutshot from the Godfather, Blackman ducks a
lariat, then hits the Lethal Kick! - 1, 2, 3! (1:00) Well holy shit,
surely this man is a LETHAL WEAPON!
The Acolytes and Dudley Boyz play poker - the Acolytes pretend that they
don't know how to play poker so as to later steal their money. "Hey
Faarooq, what beats four aces?" "The only thing I know of that beats four
aces is a Smith & Wesson, you son of a bitch." Let's bleep the next ten
seconds. Buh Buh Ray says under the censor "Son of a bitch? You don't
even know my momma!" Bradshaw: "Not real well...hahahahahaha!"
Here's Another Special Look at Last Night's Bachelorette Party - oh boy!
Busting the proverbial move! The old folks have moved up to wine! Johnny
Mae Young doing the crotch chop! Say, is there anything else on?
RAW is WAR comes to the San Jose Arena Monday 14 February! Who
should I start kissing up to? I'll sing the national anthem for Kurt
Angle! C'mon, it'll be GREAT!
Al Snow and Mankind have a talk - Snow says "I hate the Rock" a few dozen
times, but for some reason...when he does it, it's funny! Sounds like
tonight it'll be Rock & Sock....& Al.
TOO COOL (with Rikishi Nolastnametonight) v. HOLLYS - Hardcore cuts the
music and tells Too Cool that they're not Super Heavyweights - unlike ol'
"Tub o' Guts" over there. "You got enough ass right there to make a total
eclipse of the sun, you know that, right? Hey Rikishi, you don't have to
worry about hiring Santa Claus this year - a few more seconds and thirds
at the dinner table - and you WILL be Santa Claus! Hey Crash - check out
that ass - he's got more dimples on that ass than a golf ball!" Rikishi
takes offense and wails on Crash, then rolls him in to Too Cool. By the
way, somebody please explain to me why Rikishi is hanging out with Too
Cool. Double stomps. Off the ropes, double back elbow, double mack daddy
elbowdrop. Reminds me of Public Enemy for some reason. Grand Master
Sexay with a powerbomb. Scotty 2 Hotty with a Snake and a karate chop.
Tag - off the ropes, held in place for the Veg-O-Matic! 1, 2, 3!
Hardcore never got in the match. (:53) Hardcore strikes after the bell,
possibly remembering the time on Heat that he and Scorpio no-sold that
finisher to start a "realistic" angle that promptly went nowhere, except
in the WWF Magazine - hmm...wonder who wrote that. Anyway, the doubleteam
is on. Off the ropes, duck, just when Holly gets ready to turn the tide
with a double DDT - Rakishi is in... Holly flips him off, but falls to a
belly-to-belly suplex! And now - dragged over for a Banzai Drop! Ross:
"Let's get cheeky with it!" Rikishi gives a wriggle for good measure.
Sexay proffers the goggles to Rikishi - now it's time for the SNL
"Cheerleaders" sketch. Before we get too into that dance routine...
Here's a Special Look Back at that Bachelorette Party - complete with
Carlos the Electrician, a male stripper - with whom Moolah & Young walk
off. It really DOES get better the more times we go back to it! Wow! I
hope we get three or four more of these tonight!
In a few hours, I'll have five or six emails asking me why I'm being such
a WCW shill
Back in the locker room, Test is lacing up...
...while Triple H also prepares himself for the upcoming match.
Now isn't that better than a bunch of "walking" clips? You damn right.
WrestleMania 2000 ad #2
Does anyone even detect a HINT of chemistry between Terri Hatcher and
Howie Long? Or did the director just want to sleep with both of them and
offer them the gig?
WWF Slam Cam ad
And now, the WWF Rewind - presented by MechWarrior 3! From last week on
RAW, Vince said "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" and I hope his seat belt was fastened.
Later in the week on SmackDown!, he was handed a Temporary Order of
TREBLE H (with RAW Credits & TV-14-DLV ratings box) v. TEST - I don't
know, it sounds like he's saying "One Two" to me...Ross announces the
attendance at 18,123 as the Game enters. You know, I hope that I'LL get
married one day - and on that day, I hope that approximately an hour
beforehand I too will have a wrestling match with Triple H. Test is
out...but no ref is out...well, wait here's SOMEBODY...dressed in a
Vince McMahon mask and wearing gloves - I feel bad for automatically
thinking it was Shane. It's probably a DX'er, right? Signs spell out
DON'T DO IT - heh heh heh. Test from behind to start, right, H with a
right, back and forth we go, now Test's punches are unanswered. H is
knocked down. In the corner, kick, right, right, right, to another
corner, head to the turnbuckle, and again, off the ropes, duck, Test ducks
a punch and swings into a neckbreaker. Off the ropes again, head down,
kick from Triple H - charge into a powerslam, though - 1 count - but Test
is on him with rights. Backstage, we see Patterson & Brisco laughing and
calling to Vince - who doesn't show up in the frame. Hmmm. Commentators
speculate on if that ref could be Vince incognito. Whip is reversed,
duck, there's a high knee from Triple H. Test's head hits the buckle.
Kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right. Vertical suplex. H is up in
the ref's area. Crotch chop, running kneedrop. H punching away on the
formerly broken nose. Stomp. Stomp again. Now on him with a rather
blatant choke. Again we take another look backstage as Patterson & Brisco
call to Vince - who apparently is in the bathroom. Right hand from Triple
H, right, Tes punches back, they trade again, knee from Triple H, sleeper
by Triple H. Lawler wonders if the Stooges are smart enough to be faking
so as to cover for Vince, then decides - naah. Triple H demands the ref
check and see if Test is out. Ross promises that the H/McMahon match at
Armageddon "is not gonna be a pretty wrestling match - because Vince
McMahon is not a wrestler." Arm falls once - the ref slaps Test awake.
Test elbows out, punches away with a second wind. But he put his head
down and H DDT's him. Got the legs - H asks the ref to check the time,
then drops a knee in a sensitive area - I think the ref saw it anyway. H
just a bit taller than the ref - must be X-Pac, right? Head to the
buckle, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
standing on the neck - the ref forces him off. Now they're having some
words - Test back up and punching H, H knees him. Off the ropes, Test
catches him with a gutwrench into a powerbomb. Both men are down - no
count from the ref. H off the ropes - Test catches him with a spin - and
a sidewalk slam. Punch to take him down - back up - punch - back down -
and so on. Into the corner, Test punching away. Off the ropes, reversed,
duck, gutshot, pumphandle - but Triple H goes up and over. Test counters
himself with a belly-to-back suplex after ducking. Test going to the top
- for the elbow? - but Triple H rolls outside. Test tries coming off the
apron to the floor but H hits him on the way down. Head to the commentary
table. One more shot. Announcers *swear* H is gonna break his nose
again. Rolled back in - H grabs a chair on his way back in. The ref
takes the chair away, then shrugs when H accosts him. Test is up - two
punches, off the ropes, head down, H with a face buster. Ref ready to
count - but doesn't even go down for a 1. H decks the ref. Going for the
mask now - SKIPPY comes out in tux, grabs the chair and whacks Triple H.
Test DOES hits a top-rope elbowdrop and the ref counts a quick 3. (8:20)
The ref hightails it while Shane raises Test's hand...again Triple H
breaks out into a smile and a laugh - what does he know that we don't?
Well I guess that ref probably WAS Vince after all.
Back to the bachelorette party clips - the old folks are back after their
romp with the entertainment. Mae, put those legs BACK together, PLEASE.
One last shot for Stephanie - so the guy handing out the drinks is gay,
right? I mean, look at that HAIR!
WWF Slam Cam ad #2
Sean "Puffy" Combs has NO business hosting the VH-1/Vogue Fashion Awards.
Not saying I do either, by the way.
Triple H stands with some cops - he demands that Vince's ass be thrown in
jail for violating his TOP. The cops are doing all they can to keep from
laughing as they leave.
MICHAEL KING COLE narrates a Special Video Look back at SmackDown!'s Gravy
Bowl match, culminating in the EMT losing her top at the hands of Ivory
following the good ol' Heimlich on Kitty. You had to be there, you know?
Cole now invites out that EMT. And out comes - and her name is -
oh boy - are you ready? BARBARA BUSH. Geez, let's call her "Patty Pussy"
while we're at it. "Vickie Vagina." She comes out...not wearing a string
of pearls. All her friends call her "BB," oh, isn't that great? "Snookie
Snatch." Anyway, in between stifling the giggles while the crowd chants
"We want puppies," she challenges Ivory to an Evening Gown match! Surely
the only way to fight the embarrassment of having your top ripped off is
to challenge the Women's World Champion to a match in which the winner
rips off a top! Right now, all the horndoggers are telling me shut the
hell up about the lack of logic and just let it happen, baby. "Connie
Cameltoe." Anyway, as you might expect, this brings out IVORY. "You
know, Babs, you're a pretty girl, but you're not too bright. Have you
ever considered why your friends call you BB? 'Blonde bimbo?' How about
'big boobs.' Or maybe 'bird brain' suits you better - you know that's
real silly to challenge me to an evening gown match - I just think you're
trying to make friends with all the PERVERTS in the audience! Do you all
wanna see Ivory naked? [YEAH!] So how about we get it on right here right
now, huh? I'm just gonna give you a little show myself - to save you a
little aggravation..." and off comes the top. "Hey, Boy Toy, hold this
for me, willya?" Cole gets the jacket and the mic - while Ivory rushes
Bush and removes her shirt. Bush grabs a leg to trip up Ivory, but she
crawls away. "Wow, that's a large bra she's wearin'!" says Ross, by way
of wishing it was smaller. Ross is a pervert, you see. The REAL winners
are the FANS!
The cops question McMahon - who denies being out in a ref costume and
Vince mask. Patterson & Brisco provide an alibi...sort of. Is Vince's
hair just a touch messed up - you know, as if it had been inside a
The bridesmaids are making ready - Linda shows off HER black number as
well. Oh man, it'll sure suck if this sucks, won't it?
WrestleMania 2000 ad #3
BALD VENIS v. OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST & CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE KURT ANGLE -
Val and the Bulldog clash for the Euro title at Armageddon, we are told.
That means that THIS month, Venis is a face! Venis takes the mic and
tells us his dick's really hard. Angle: "I realise we're in Los Angeles -
a city that lacks integrity and moral value. Where you would rather cheer
a pornstar over me? What is wrong with you people?" Venis attacks from
behind and stomps away. Head to the buckle. Right, right, right, into
the opposite corner, reverse, Venis puts a boot up - off the ropes, but
there's a bigtime lariat fron Angle. Right hands, clothesline to take
Venis over the top to the floor. Angle out, but Venis turns the tide.
Head to the barrier. Angle reverses a whip into the STEEL steps. Back in
the ring we go. Right hand, right hand, off the ropes, sleeper. Venis
turns it into a powerbomb variant for 2. Venis with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, off the ropes, Misabashi
elbows, side Russian legsweep, cover, 2. Angle comes back with some
punches - off the ropes, but Venis catches him in a huge spinebuster.
That's enough for him, climbing the ropes for the Money Shot - BRITISH
BULLDOG runs (runs?) out and crotches him. Angle over with a SUPERPLEX!
1, 2, NO!! Angle with a right, off the ropes, Venis ducks and slides out
to the floor where he and Bulldog go at it. Angle with an axehandle off
the apron onto Venis while Bulldog grabs a chair. When referee "Blind"
Teddy Long inserts himself between the combatants to separate them,
Bulldog strikes with the chair. WHACK. Venis runs into Angle's "reverse
fireman carry" for the pinfall. (3:19) Venis chases after Bulldog while
Angle celebrates in the ring. At Armageddon, Kurt Angle takes on Steve
Blackman in a "WWF rewards CRZ for his years of loyalty" match - I say
this because no one could POSSIBLYcare about this matchup but me - but
I'LL go ga-ga for it. Give it SIX stars, Scott! The only problem is...I
can't root for one guy or the other - I mean, Angle is the "undefeated"
guy, so we probably know HOW it'll end...but...man, who's the face in this
match? The answer, of course, is BOTH MEN! I LOVE IT!
The groomsmen get dressed...Edge doesn't like the moneky suit, you know.
Jeff looks like combing his hair is a foreign concept.
Al Snow and Mankind talk some more. Snow bemoans the Mr. Spock eyebrow.
Mankind goads Snow into talking about how much he hates the Rock while
Rock stands nearby behind him (Snow unaware, of course). I'm not even
sure Snow cares that Rock heard him. Rock accuses Snow of being Hacksaw
Jim Duggan. Then it kinda goes downhill from there. Rock talks
about Al as if he isn't there, much to Snow's consternation. Tonight's
rectal insertion du jour is a Los Angeles Kings hockey stick. ROCK E ROCK
E ROCK E ROCK E ROCK E ROCK E. To his credit, he only took about two
minutes with this shtick, so...
WWF WrestleMania 2000 brings you the WWF Slam of the Week! From
SmackDown! last Thursday, the Rock gets the pinfall to make the Rock &
Sock Connection #1 contenders.
MechWarrior 3 brings you Armageddon - oh, they told us that already,
D-GENERATION X (sans Treble H) v. ROCK & SOCK CONNECTION & ? - Outlaws do
their entire singalong shtick even though they're heels. THROUGH HELL
FIRE AND BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE is out - is *he* the mystery partner?
Mankind is out next - I guess he IS. Rock comes out to "My God - My God
what an ovation!" Hey Ross, tone it down JUST a smidge, wouldja? We know
you're gonna have to build the company around him, but just let it grow on
it's own, PLEASE. Crowd manages a formidable "Rock E" chant. Kane and
Ass start even as Kane tries to get his hands on X-Pac. Pounding away,
whip is reversed, duck, big boot, Dogg in, Dogg down, arm wringer, tag to
Mankind. Mankind will hit #1 this weekend, and bully for him. IT'S A
GOOD BOOK. Why isn't *Foley* on Imus? Ass with kneelifts, tag to Dogg.
Kicks to the midsection, off the ropes, elbow. Legdrop out of the corner
- 1, 2, no. Boot to the head. Ditto. Baseball slide dropkick takes Dogg
outside - X-Pac meets Mankind on the outside, he alternates between them
but he's one and they're two. Nonetheles, Dogg tastes the STEEL steps
before Mankind falls at the hands of a spinning heel kick. Back into the
ring and tag to Ass. All over him with rights. Stomping away.
Somebody's calling spots in there! Backstage, Al Snow is chatting with
Head - "Mick needs me! Yes, he does! Come on!" Ass still working over
Mankind - Rock distracting referee "Blind" Earl Hebner so the tripleteam
can happen. X-Pac with his patented set of three kicks. Off the ropes
with another spinning heel kick. 2 count, kickout. Tag to Ass. Kick,
head to the buckle. Distraction attempt actually gives Mankind enough
time to get in a few licks on his own - but Gunn take him into the corner
and then hits a splash. X-Pac in - broncobuster met with a Mandible
Socko! X-Pac with a Golota (kick) and both men are down. Who'll tag?
HOT TAG TO THE ROCK! It all breaks down from here. Down goes gunn,
again, down goes Dogg, down goes Gunn, DDT on Dogg, Kane in, X-Pac out,
Mankind takes Dogg outside, Gunn whip, reversal, Rock Bottom on Gunn!
Dogg is ready to break it up - 1, 2, AL SNOW is in and waffling Dogg with
Head! Hebner calls for the bell (DQ 4:08) and Rock has some issues. In
fact, here's a right, there's another, whip, reversal, caught, double leg
takedown - and there's the People's Elbow. I hope Al got paid tonight
even though he didn't get pinned! Rock poses on the ropes one more
time for the People. PLAY HIS MUSIC MR. SOUND MAN!
The Acolytes and the Dudleyz continue their card game. "You hear what he
said about our momma?" "Hahaha...not MY momma." Buh Buh Ray stutters -
Faarooq says he's tired of it and maybe if he and Bradshaw put their foot
up his ass, that'd fix it. Buh Buh says they don't know him well enough
to be sticking ANYTHING up his ass. D-Von says they might be their
enemies - but come on, they sure as hell ain't the Public Enemy! Aww,
man, that's just COLD.
Bridesmaids and Linda are ready - they get their first look at Stephanie
and awwwwwwwwwwww. Of course, WE'LL have to wait through this ad break to
get a gander at 'er
Here's one more ad for Tuesday's "WWF Greatest Hits" - ONLY ON UPN!
Shane, Patterson, Brisco, Vince and Test share a private moment - with the
millions of viewers
Back to the card game - Buh Buh Ray bets it all - including all the change
in his pockets AND both pairs of glasses. Bradshaw makes another "momma"
joke. "You need to lay off my momma!" "Yeah, I'll lay on your momma."
Dudley reveals his hand - six aces! Go figure, a brawl breaks out. And
some beeping. The officiating corp and Sergaent Slaughter attempt to
break it up - but they can't stop the bleep...
Here's a look at that USA Today ad one more time.
Here's a quick look at the DX quartet, who are yukking it up - what could
In other words, kids...here's one more ad break
Quite a transformation of the ring into a makeshift altar. Easily
hundreds of flowers dotting the aisle from the EntertainmentTron to the
ring. Red velvet curtains over the entryway. Time now to introduce the
wedding party, who come out to the sounds of an organ (no, the musical
instrument - pervert). EDGE, SHAWN STASIAK, CHRISTIAN, D'LO BROWN, JEFF
HARDY, MATT HARDY, FABULOUS MOOLAH, GERALD BRISCO, MAE YOUNG, PAT
PATTERSON (there's a couple) and several debutantes whose names I can't be
bothered to transcribe. Is it just me or is NOBODY from the Union in the
wedding party? The Union? Eh? Eh? The Union? Remember....aw screw it.
SKIPPY escorts LINDA McMAHON, the matron of honour. Then they play TEST's
theme as the groom walks down the aisle. "Here Comes the Bride" leads
BILLIONAIRE VINCE & STEPHANIE McMAHON to the ring. Stephanie wears white?
I dig that "Test - Just say No" sign right behind the priest. If you're
looking for a transcription of THIS, go find some report written by a
woman, 'cause I'm just waiting for something INTERESTING to kick in here.
There's a coupla of singers to kill some time by singing a song for
us. I wonder if they're gonna WRESTLE later! Boy, Test is sweatin' like
this IS his wedding. Do you think Kerwin Silfes and Kevin Dunn are living
out a dream here - that they always REALLY wanted to produce and direct a
soap opera? Look at all the lovingly slow dissolves between Vince,
Stephanie, Test, Linda, the singers. Crowd is getting restless - they
came to see WRESTLING, dammit! Well, maybe not. DAMN Test is sweatin'
bullets here. Here we go. "Should there be anyone who has cause why this
couple should not be united in marriage - they must speak now - or forever
hold their peace." Plenty of folks in the crowd pipe up - but nobody pays
any mind to it. However, they can't ignore the sound of "My Time" playing
over the loudspeaker just as Andrew's vows start and they DEFINITELY can't
ignore TREBLE H appearing 'neath the EntertainmentTron. "Easy Vince, now
I know earlier, YOU said that no family member, or anybody that wasn't
invited...that no family member any anybody not invited should not get
involved in this, but I really felt, I mean I REALLY from the bottom of my
h-felt, that you should take a look at this." Let's go to the videotape,
Warner! It's a shot of Triple H narrating a video from Lost Wages and
directing "Gene." We see a lot of adult movie signs - and now we're
pulling into the Little White Wedding Chapel...and the Tunnel of Love.
"This is exactly the way I envisioned it my whole life...all those little
fat cherubs with their weiners hanging out!" Anyway, pulling into the
chapel for the $40 "ceremony only" it's revealed that sitting in the
passenger seat of the convertible is .... a passed out Stephanie McMahon!
It's good and dark, apparently, since the woman performing the ceremony
doesn't seem to notice that Helmsley is providing the words for Stephanie
by putting his head in the way and making a female voice. Also, he's in
an ultra hurry. The state of Nevada proclaims the husband and wife.
Finally, it's revealed that the "Gene" running the camera that he keeps
talking to is ...heyyy, it's that gay bartender!! Whoa! He puts some
paper bells on the antenna and rear view mirror - ahhh, Triple H was
wearing that flower on his lapel last night, apparently. And now, the
payoff. "Get one more shot ... of the NEW Mrs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley."
Brandishing a JUST MARRIED license plate and plenty of empty cans tied to
the tail of the car...they drive off. Coming back live, Stephanie is
crying her heart out. "Now, Vince, as a member of the immediate
family..." as he brandishes his wedding ring "...I know that you can only
have one question on your mind...DAD. And that is...not DID we, but HOW
MANY TIMES times did we (Dice accent) consummate the marriage?" and he's
I think that'll do nicely. I ALSO think we probably could have done
without some of the chick stuff and also wrapped this up before twelve to
the hour, but...ahh, why quibble. As Hannibal would say, "I love it when
a plan comes together." If you didn't come out of this last segment
reminded of just WHY you watch this show, I guess you'll just have to
write me with accusations of bias - as far as I'm concerned, you'll be
wrong, but hey - maybe you'll feel better.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman